Babs was shaking. That terrible feeling in the pit of her stomach, tearing at her. That voice in the back of her head telling her how little she was worth.
Her mother’s words echoing that she was “just confused” and “life would be so much harder for her.” The dread in the woman’s voice as she asked (and not for the first time) if this girl was “Just a friend right?”
Her hips throbbed with the need, that ache to have something slice and hurt. She wanted, no needed, the sting of the words to translate to the sting of the blade. She wanted to cry and scream and tear herself apart, but she just sat in her room trembling, hugging her teddy.
It’s not worth it. Not worth it. One second of relief won’t change anything.
But nobody likes you or needs you. You’re an abomination. Humans cannot like people of more than one gender. Hell, only two exist. Your entire existence is unnatural.
Her thoughts battled as she tried to focus on her breathing. Tried to focus on the homework that was due in seven hours. Tried to focus because she had to be presentable and at work in an hour and a half.
Tried… her hands were clenched, bitten down nails digging into her palms.
Stupid, stupid abomination. Worthless. Can’t help anyone.
She tried to remember what the therapist had said. The one she went to for a month and a half and then her parents couldn’t afford anymore, even with the insurance. The one she knew had cost them too much and she hated going to anyways because it never really changed anything. The one she had lied about to save money and (try to) do something to be helpful.
Her mind wandered to how much Arryn would be disappointed. Arryn, fighting her own battles. Arryn, who could barely take one bite of food without compensating with sixty push-ups. Arryn, who she couldn’t even talk to on the phone anymore. Her best friend who could have been something more. Arryn would want her to stay where she was and fight too, not get up and grab the knife and slice, slice, slice. Arryn would care more than anyone else did.
Arryn is the way she is because of you. She hates herself just as much as you do because you didn’t show her people care. Didn’t tell her she was beautiful enough. You didn’t even notice when she started tearing herself apart.
The girl hated herself. She was full of regret and self hate. An hour now till she had to be at work.
A deep breath.
The snap of a rubber band on her wrist over and over.
Coping, coping, coping.
This would have to do.
She got dressed, put a smile on her face, and walked out to the car. She made a stupid pun and strapped herself in.
Little did her mother know how much the smile was a shield.