Chapter 8
A few weeks had gone by and everything between me and Jade seemed to be going well. But the last few days, she hadn’t been the same. She stopped driving me home from school, which wasn’t really that much of a problem, I don’t expect her to do that every day for the rest of the school-year. But it wasn’t just that. She had stopped responding to my texts, and if she did, it took hours and was always short. She didn’t stay as close to me as she used to, and just overall felt distant. I don’t know if it was something I did, or if it was something going on with her. Usually when it came to the latter, she wasn’t one to reach out.
Today was the only day of the week my classes ended before hers, so I stayed and waited for her by her locker. When her class ended, she didn’t exactly look happy to see me. Not disappointed either, more bothered.
“Can we talk?” I asked her while leaning on her locker, blocking her from making a quick exit.
She sighed and looked at me with tired eyes. “Can I just put my stuff back?”
“Of course, but that’s not what I asked.” I responded, but didn’t move.
“We are talking now, or what do you call this?” I could hear frustration starting to build up in her. I rolled my eyes with a sigh and moved away from her locker. She quickly threw her books in and slammed the door shut before making her way out of the school. ‘For fucks sake’ I thought to myself and followed her. I caught up to her just as she reached her car.
“Jade..?!” I looked at her with a mix of desperation, worry and annoyance. She turned to look at me unamused and gestured for me to get in.
“What’s going on?” She didn’t look at me, instead she just looked down at her hands.
“If I remember it correctly, you didn’t exactly appreciate when I pulled this stuff with you and now you’re doing it to me.” I was starting to let my frustration get the better of me, which is not what this situation called for. I knew it as soon as I spoke. She still didn’t say anything, now shifting her gaze to stare straight forward.
“Okay, so is it me? Did I do something?” I desperately wanted her to say no, or maybe yes? At Least then I could fix it.
“No,” she said without looking at me.
“Then why are you shutting me out?”
“You want me to take you home?” She asked without looking at me.
“No?” I furrowed my brows at how she completely avoided everything said. “I want you to talk to me.” She didn’t respond to that either, instead she started the car and began driving me home. She stopped outside my house without saying a word and still didn’t look at me.
“Jade, this will never work if you shut me out like this.” I turned to look at her again, and I had meant what I said. I couldn’t be in a relationship with her if she couldn’t be honest with me.
“If that’s how you feel.” Her tone was cold and distant. I looked at her surprised, feeling hurt that she would give up this easily.
“Is that what you want?” I hesitated as I spoke, not sure I wanted to hear her answer. She just shook her head, still avoiding looking at me. I could tell something was wrong, but I didn’t know what to do in order for her to feel like she could talk about it with me.
“Do you want to come inside? No one’s home, but you already knew that.” I asked her in an effort to get her to maybe open up about what was going on. She was silent for a moment, thinking about what to answer. Eventually she just shook her head no.
“Look at me.” I told her in a serious tone, but she just acted like she didn’t hear me. A part of me was starting to question if it really had nothing to do with me or us. I pushed that thought as far back as I could, and instead reminded myself that this is what she did. She didn’t deal with emotions well, and if she did, it was often with anger or avoidance.
I leaned over to her and carefully placed my hand on her cheek. She flinched at my touch, almost like she feared what would happen if I touched her. I gently forced her to look at me and when she did, I could see tears starting to form in her eyes. I pulled her in and wrapped my arms around her, holding her tight. I could feel her holding her breath as a way of not crying.
“It’s okay.” I whispered to her.
“You don’t know that.” She answered with a shaky voice.
“Come inside.” And this time, she didn’t say no. I let her go and she quickly turned away from me, to hide the fact she hadn’t been able to hold it all in. She followed me up to my room and sat down on my bed with her back turned to me. I walked around the bed and stood in front of her. She glanced up to me, and all of that cold and tough exterior she had shown me earlier, was gone. I sat down next to her and interlocked my fingers with hers. She squeezed my hand before letting go to play with her rings.
“Talk to me.” I said, barely above a whisper as I stroked her hair. She sighed and laid down on the bed staring up at the ceiling. I laid down next to her with my shoulder against hers.
She told me that her dad had come back home, and he was being worse than usual. I knew her dad was distant and that their relationship was strained. I didn’t know much about her mom, other than that she rarely saw her, and that they rarely spoke. Jade never brought her up, so I never asked.
She continued to tell me how her dad had been speaking negatively about her for days. How she dressed, how she acted, about her friends and how she was never going to become anything from this school. Basically telling her she’s a waste of space, time and money. At first I didn’t know what to say. I knew things weren’t great at home with her dad, but not that he was straight up mean to her and berated her every chance he got.
“I’m the worst fucking mistake of his life. At least when my step mom’s home he keeps his mouth shut, because he knows she’d take my brother and leave. She’s already told him she won’t have him growing up with that because ‘look how Jade turned out’.” She was both angry and hurt at the same time.
“Where is she?” I asked her, not really knowing what else to say.
“Don’t know, don’t care.” I could tell from the way she said it, that wasn’t the truth. I think she did care, but she would probably never admit it. I moved closer to her and she turned her head to look at me.
“Don’t believe him.” I told her, knowing my words couldn’t do much to help with how she was feeling.
“I don’t, usually. It’s just, he’s really good at getting to me.” She shifted her eyes back up at the ceiling. “Takes one to know one I guess.” she laughed ironically.
“Look at me.” I told her, calm but firm. “You are not him, and don’t fucking compare yourself to him again.” She gave me a smile that didn’t reach her eyes, and I could see her eyes becoming glossy. I pulled her towards me and she buried her face in my chest. I could feel her starting to cry, and I just layed there and held her, since that was all I could do. And maybe, that was all she needed right now. I ran my fingers through her hair and occasionally kissed the top of her head, until she calmed down and the tears stopped.
“If you tell anyone about this..” She said against my chest, causing me to laugh a little.
“Don’t worry about it.” I told her.
We spent the rest of the evening together, and I held her until she fell asleep.
.
.
The next day everything between me and Jade was back to normal. I told her not to wait for me after school, since I had made plans with Emily a week earlier. Jade reacted by letting go of me and giving me a look I can only interpret as a mix of jealousy and disappointment.
I walked down the stairs towards my locker to see Jade standing there waiting for me. I felt a little worried about what she had in mind. I looked at Jade confused and was just about to ask her what she was still doing here, when she told me she was going to take me to Emily’s. I decided it was not something to argue about, and if it made her feel better, then I really had no issue with it. I texted Emily to let her know I was on my way and that Jade was taking me.
When we arrived, Emily was outside waiting for me. I guess she too was a little unsure of why Jade decided to drive all that way just to drop me off. I turned to give Jade a kiss goodbye but she was already on her way out of the car. I got out after her and locked eyes with Emily who looked surprised, and I gave her an apologetic smile. Jade walked up to her and stopped, not saying anything.
“So.. What do you plan on doing?” Jade eventually asked Emily. Emily laughed awkwardly and I was now starting to catch on to what Jade was doing. Jade was there as an example, I guess to try and intimidate Emily, and to show her not try anything. That would also require me to want it too, which I did not. A small part of me had hoped she had come here to get to know Emily, since she and I are friends, but no. That’s not what was happening, and to be fair, would probably never happen. When Jade had decided she didn’t like someone, it was next to impossible to get her to change her mind.
“Not much, just hang out, maybe grab something to eat, maybe have sex a few times if the moment calls for it. You know, the usual.” Emily responded sarcastically, but I knew this was not the time for that. Jade was already unsure about our friendship and I knew she worried about me cheating on her, which I would never do.
Jade turned to me, and I could tell she was pissed. “I would never do that, you know that.” I said.
“Oh, do I?” She raised an eyebrow and crossed her arms. Emily rolled her eyes before speaking up.
“Hey, I’m kidding. She’s all yours.” Emily told Jade with a smirk, and Jade smiled ironically in return. “I’ll see you inside” Emily told me and gave me a knowing look, and I nodded in response.
“You don’t need to do this. I’m not gonna cheat on you or whatever it is that you think I’m gonna do. I get that you have that worry, given everything, but can you atleast try to not judge me by him?” Jade looked down, her arms still crossed. It looked like she realised herself that what she was doing was unfair.
“Sorry.” She whispered to the ground and we were both silent for a moment. “But I’m not sorry for coming here, she needed to know not to try anything.” She spoke up.
“I am included in that as well, you know? It takes two people to cheat, not just one. So it wouldn’t even matter? And, if you had asked me if she had any interest in me whatsoever, I could’ve told you that the answer is no. Because we have already talked about that. Before you and I even happened. And I’m sorry I kissed her, back when I thought you didn’t feel anything at all for me. But you can’t keep judging me by your dad or Beck, can you please just fucking try, Jade.” I knew it was a bad move on my end bringing up her dad, and on top of that, insinuating that her actions are because of him. She squinted her eyes at me, but didn’t say anything.
I did like the possessive part of her, it made me feel seen and cared for. But when she turned to try and intimidate my friends and showing zero trust in me, it didn’t feel so good anymore.
“I’m not leaving you, but I am angry with you, and a little hurt honestly..” I continued, now calmer than before, trying to reassure her. I knew what she was like when I got into this, so it wasn’t completely fair on my end either, setting those expectations on her.
“I get that.” She said calmly. I gave her a kiss on the cheek and she gave me a small smile. I then walked inside and found Emily just scrolling on her phone. “What was that about?” She asked and put her phone down. I went and sat down next to her on the couch with a sigh.
“She has her reasons, okay? I’m not saying I’m cool with it, but I get it.” She nodded, understanding what I meant. “And your ‘sex-thing’ didn’t exactly help,” I continued, and we both laughed a little at that.
“Yeah, sorry about that.” Emily said with a giggle.
After a few hours of me and Emily hanging out, ordering some food and not having any moments that called for us to sleep together, I got a text from Jade.
[08:14 pm] Jade🖤: if you need a ride home let me know
[08:16 pm] You: thx
[08:16 pm] You: u can come whenever, let me know when you're here
Maybe she wasn’t upset with me for saying what I did, at least I wasn’t with her, not anymore.
After about 45 minutes Jade texted me that she was here, so I said goodbye to Emily and walked to Jade’s car. I got in and at first we didn’t say anything to each other, then Jade broke the silence.
“I do trust you.” She looked at me quickly, before turning her eyes back to the road.
“Thank you. And I’m not mad at you, I get why you acted the way you did. I shouldn’t have said what I said, not like that.” I looked down to my hands, starting to feel more and more guilty for the way I had spoken to her earlier.
“No, you were right.” She shrugged and kept her eyes locked on the road. I didn’t know what to say to that. I wanted this whole thing to just be over, and for the tension to go away, but I didn’t know how. I could tell what happened before wasn’t gone and forgotten about.
“I didn’t mean that the things he says to you are true, I mean that the opposite is true.” I was referring to her dad, and I think she -understood that too. I didn’t mean to turn what she had told me against her, but I can understand if that’s the way she took it. I wanted her to know that I didn’t see her in his words. I didn’t think badly of her, she was probably the only person to really make me feel seen, the only one I truly wanted to be around. I never got tired of being around her, or of her. This was new to both of us. I didn’t know how to deal with my own feelings of abandonment, or the fear of this not being as real for her as it is for me. I couldn’t stop myself from always having a small part of me worrying that she’d run to anyone better than me if she got the chance.
“Yeah..” Jade swallowed and nodded slightly. The tension persisted, and I didn’t know what to do about it. All I could think was that I fucked up. I didn’t think, and now I’d hurt her because I couldn’t just bite my tongue. I told myself I wasn’t going to cry. I had no right, and I didn’t want her to comfort my bad consciousness, not when she was the one I had hurt.
I noticed Jade didn’t go towards my house or hers, instead she started driving towards the spot she had shown me before. She stopped and turned the engine off, then she turned to me and told me to stay in the car. I looked at her a little confused and worried as she opened the door and got out. I sat and watched her walk towards the rock we had both been leaning against when she told me she was never getting back with Beck again. She sat down and all I could see was the back of her head.
I decided to not stay in the car, instead I got out and quietly walked up to her.
“I told you to stay in the car.” She said without turning around to face me as I stopped behind her. She didn’t make any effort to show me she wanted me to go away either, so I sat down next to her.“I know.” I said quietly. She gave me a small smile that was mixed with hurt and I felt like this was all my fault. We sat there in silence, but the silence wasn’t as tense anymore. It was a mutual understanding of quiet and we didn’t have to say anything to each other.
Jade wrapped one arm around me and pulled me closer to her. I looked up at her and she gave me a reassuring smile before kissing my forehead. I smiled into her chest and found comfort in her body against mine. We didn’t say anything the whole time we were there, or the whole drive home, and we didn’t need to.
I didn’t want to spend the rest of the night alone, and I didn’t like the idea of her going back to her dads, so I asked if she wanted to stay. She nodded with a smile and followed me inside. She walked into the kitchen and made tea for the both of us, since we both got pretty cold from sitting outside for quite some time. I sat down on the barstool on the other side of the kitchen island and just watched her. I caught myself thinking that I loved her, but shook my head at the thought, trying to force it away. I couldn’t, not yet, not now. All I knew was I wouldn’t trade her for the world.