Chapter 9
Three months had gone by, and I was still getting hit with the thought of loving her from time to time, but I never said it out loud. Saying it would make it real, and what if she didn’t say it back? No, I couldn’t take that chance. One might think after knowing her for over a year, that I’d know her well enough to know how she felt, but this is Jade. You can never be 100% sure of what and how she thinks or feels. The only thing I could be sure of (most of the time) was how I felt. And I knew that she was the only person I didn’t mind sharing my space with.
I also caught myself thinking it when she got dressed in the morning, when she was in the kitchen making us something to eat or when she sat in silence writing her plays. Everytime I pushed it back, just so I wouldn’t push her away. I thought about it when she got overprotective, and I thought about it when she got jealous. Still, I pushed it as far back as I could. I couldn’t say it, not when there was a chance she didn’t love me back. I knew she had feelings for me, but that’s not the same.
Jade was also starting to be more accepting of mine and Emily’s friendship, even hanging out with us once. Emily actually liked her, which meant a lot to me. It would’ve been unbearable having one of my closest friends hating my girlfriend. I never really had an issue with anyone Jade hung out with, but she had spent a lot of time with Beck lately. I knew it was because they were in a play together, but that didn’t mean the thought hadn’t crossed my mind. I knew she wouldn’t cheat on me, she wouldn’t be so scared of me doing it to her if she was then going to do it to me, right? Besides, she knew what it was like to be on the receiving end of it, so it wouldn’t make sense. I think she also knew a part of me worried that she’d leave me for someone better. She had told me more than once that she hated everyone else. I knew that was an exaggeration, but I still appreciated the acknowledgement.
It was now Saturday evening and everyone was meeting at Tori’s. Beck and Jade had been rehearsing for the play during the day, so I had gone to Tori’s earlier than the others. The plan was to hang out at her place for a while before going to karaoke, not that I did much of the singing. One by one our friends showed up, everyone except for Beck and Jade. At first I didn’t think much of it, someone must be the last to arrive right?
My phone was about to die though, so I asked if anyone had a charger I could borrow because I didn’t bring mine. André told me he had one in his car I could borrow and tossed me his keys.
“There wasn't any space here so it’s parked just down the street.” He told me as I walked towards the front door. I started walking down Tori’s driveway and just as I was about to cross the road, I looked up. Further down the street, I could see them. Beck cupping Jade's face and kissing her, and she didn’t push him off, didn’t step away, nothing. Was this whole play just an excuse for them to be together? I froze for a second, not knowing what to do, or where to go. I dropped André’s keys on the ground and pulled out my phone. I texted Tori that I wasn’t feeling well and needed to leave, my hands now shaking. I put my phone back in my pocket and ran. I ran all the way home, unlocked the door, and sat down on the floor with my back against the door. I couldn’t move. I couldn’t breathe. Everything I had feared from the beginning was true. This wasn’t as real for her as it was for me, she would leave me the second she found someone better, this was only temporary until she realised she wanted him back again. She didn’t need me, and she sure as hell didn’t love me.
—
*Pov at Tori’s house*
“Who dropped their keys?” Jade asked, holding up André’s Keys.
“Mine, wasn’t Alex out there? She was getting a charger from my car.” André answered, looking puzzled.
“You LOST my girlfriend?!” Jade asked all of them in disbelief. That’s when Tori grabbed her phone and saw the text she had gotten from Alex minutes earlier. Jade frowned at Tori, thinking that Alex’s actions didn’t make sense. She grabbed her own phone and tried calling Alex, but got no answer. Jade was starting to worry now, had something happened to her?
“I swear to god, if anything’s happened to her, I’m gonna kill all of you.” She tried calling Alex again, still getting no answer.
“No need to kill anyone, she’s home.” Tori said with an awkward smile, turning her phone to show Jade the conversation with Alex. “See?”
[07:24 pm] Tori : Did you get home okay?
[07:26 pm] Alex : yes
“You. Outside. NOW.” Jade said pointing to Beck, who threw his hands up in surrender and started following her outside. Everyone looked at each other confused, unsure of what was happening.
“Why Beck, why?” Jade asked him when she had closed the door, anger now spread across her face.
“I don’t know!” He shouted in response and gestured desperately with his hands in front of him.
“You fucking KISSED ME outside Toris house, where all of our friends are, including my girlfriend ?!” Beck walked backwards and leaned against the wall, avoiding looking at Jade.
“We had been spending more time together, and I, I don't know..” He trailed off, trying to find words to explain why he did what he did. Jade didn’t respond, but her patience was thinning. “It just happened! If it makes a difference I don’t miss you, and I didn’t feel anything. It was kinda weird if I’m being honest.”
“WEIRD? ‘It just happened’? Are you INSANE?” She looked at him in disbelief, not knowing what to do. “Why even do it in the first place?”
“I don’t know Jade, I’m sorry.” It looked like he meant what he said, but Jade didn’t react to his apology.
“I will never fucking forgive you for this. EVER.” She turned to walk away. Beck tried calling for her, but she ignored him. He watched her leave and sighed to himself, before walking back inside.
“Where’s Jade?” Tori asked him as he walked back inside. Beck just shook his head looking defeated. She gestured for him to follow her into the kitchen, to try and get some privacy while the others chatted on the couch.
“I fucked up.” He told Tori. “I kissed Jade. I don’t know why I did it. We had been spending so much time together, and I just got this thought that I should kiss her. Not because I miss her, more like, just because? To see if that’s what I wanted?” Tori looked at Beck with scepticism as he spoke, but nodded for him to continue. “Well, Alex must’ve seen it. That’s why she left. That’s why she won’t answer Jade's calls. And Jade will never forgive me for this, not if she loses Alex because of it.”
Tori looked at him in disbelief, her jaw dropping slightly as she tried to think of something to say. “Wow, yeah.. That was pretty stupid.” They both nodded before Tori continued and asked him what Jade had done when he kissed her…
—
I threw my phone across the room in frustration when I saw Jade calling me for the third time. I wished the battery would run out faster, or better, that the thing would just break so no one could call or text me any more.
I couldn’t be bothered turning any lights on so I just sat there on the floor, knees to my chest, in the dark, crying. I don’t think I’ve ever felt as worthless and unlovable as I did at this moment. Have you ever loved someone, and then caught them with someone else? I hope you haven’t, I wished I hadn’t. A knock on the door followed by Jade’s voice broke me out of my thoughts.
“Alex!!” I could hear the desperation in her voice, but I didn’t open. What was she even doing here, when the person she really wanted to be with was Beck. “I’m gonna stay here until you open the door.” I could hear her sitting down on the front porch. I didn’t want her there, I didn’t want her at my house and I definitely didn’t want to see or speak to her. But I knew she was serious, I knew she wouldn’t leave until I opened the door. I took a breath and tried to muster up the courage to open the door. My hand was shaking slightly as I unlocked it and stepped outside. My heart was racing and I found it harder to breathe.
“Alex, I don’t know what you think y-” She stood up and walked towards me but I backed away. I didn’t want her close to me, and I didn’t want her touching me.
“You’re a fucking hypocrite, Jade!” I could feel tears streaming down my face, but there was no point in trying to stop them from coming. She looked scared, hurt and worried, but I couldn’t care. Not after knowing she had been using me for months, lying to me.
“What? Let me explain, it’s not-” but I didn’t let her finish. I didn’t want to hear what she had to say, I didn’t want to hear her explanation.
“Just leave Jade, I don’t want you here.” I was so angry and hurt at the same time, I could barely speak. I could physically feel my heart break the more I thought about it. All I wanted was for her to leave, at the same time there was no comfort I craved more than hers.
“It’s not what you think!” Jade was crying now too, and I hated everything about this. I hated to see her cry, I hated that I wanted her here, that I didn’t. I hated myself for loving her, for being stupid enough to believe her.
“I’m begging you Jade,” but she just shook her head, her mascara starting to smear as she cried. There was nothing I could do. I couldn’t be around her, I couldn’t do that to myself. So I turned away and walked inside, locking the door behind me. I stood there, trying to hear if she left. Several minutes went by, but all I heard was silence and my own sobs. I was just about to give in and let myself be comforted by her, even if she was the reason I needed it in the first place, when I heard her walking away.
—
Jade left Alex’s house and swallowed all her tears and hurt on her way back to Tori’s. She took out her phone and did some minor touch ups to her makeup before walking inside. Beck could tell she had been crying, but figured he was the last person she wanted to see, and he was right. She walked straight to the kitchen and grabbed herself a drink without saying anything to anyone.
Everyone agreed not to go to karaoke, given how the evening had started, instead they stayed at Tori’s. More people started showing up and everyone was starting to get a little tipsy. Jade however, did not hold back. She acted like she had nothing to lose and like every sip was another thought forgotten.
There were people from other schools, some they knew, some were friends of friends. Jade got up from her spot on the couch to refill her cup in the kitchen, when a guy she didn’t know started talking to her. She smirked towards him and hopped up on the kitchen counter, pulling him towards her. The guy looked pleased and didn’t resist her movements. She pulled him closer and leaned in to kiss him sloppily, and he returned it. Their makeout session was short lived, when Beck walked up to them and pulled the guy off of her.
“Can’t you see how drunk she is? Bother someone else.” The guy frowned at Beck and left.
“Come to ruin my life again?” Jade looked at him with anger, her voice laced with irony.
“You don’t want this.” He tried reasoning with her, but to no avail.
“You don’t know what I want.” She pushed herself down from the kitchen counter before continuing. “You’ve made that very clear.” She told him and walked away.
Another group of people showed up and Tori greeted them, clearly recognizing one of the girls. “Jade?” The girl looked over Tori’s shoulder and made her way over to Jade. Jade didn’t recognise her until she was standing right infront of her.
“Oh, it's you.” Jade said, trying to sound disappointed. “What are you doing here?” She continued with a cold voice.
“Well It’s good to see you too Jade” Emily responded in a sarcastic tone. “I didn’t even know this was Tori’s house until she opened the door.” Jade just rolled her eyes and turned to walk away when Emily spoke again. “Where’s Alex, I thought she’d be here?” Jade froze, not knowing what to say. She had done everything she could all night not to think of her, and then Emily of all people shows up. A few seconds went by without any answer from Jade, that’s when Cat showed up and saved her from giving one. Emily instead asked Cat where Alex was, and Cat told her that she had gone home.
“I think they had a fight or something.” She whispered to Emily, who nodded. Emily walked up to Jade again and asked her if what Cat had told her was true, but Jade did what she usually does in these situations. This wasn’t something she wanted to face or talk about, so she reacted with anger.
“I’m not your friend, so why don’t you ask someone who is.” Jade didn’t stick around for Emily to respond, instead she went outside to catch her breath. She walked outside and tried to breathe as the world around her was closing in. There wasn’t anyone else out there, or so she thought, until she felt a hand on her shoulder.
“You want me to take you home?” Beck asked her, but there was probably nothing she wanted less than that. She slapped his hand away and turned away from him. He sighed and told her if she needed anything he’d be there. This made her snap.
“What i need is my fucking girlfriend, or ex-girlfriend now I guess thanks to you, to not think I’m cheating on her with YOU!” She raised her voice to him, but he didn’t react to it. He could see tears starting to form in her eyes, and he knew it was his fault. He had caused this.
Meanwhile, Emily tried calling and texting Alex but got no response. She started to get worried and walked up to Tori to ask if she had any idea of what was going on. Tori told Emily what Beck had told her earlier and then how Jade had disappeared and later came back. “..and well, she’s clearly not fine, not that she’d ever tell you that.” Tori finished and gave Emily a knowing look. Emily had a look of realisation at how straight to hell everything had gone. She also knew Alex. She knew she wouldn’t take this well, at the same time she didn’t know what to do. She had the whole picture, and knew more than Alex did. But that didn’t change how hurt Alex was and she knew going over there to try and convince her to listen would be pointless. It would only make her think that she didn’t have her back. She decided to send her a text in hopes she’d see it.
[10:58 pm] Emily:I heard what happened with Jade, I’m sorry. There’s more to it than you know, please hear her out and try not to tear yourself apart. Call me when you see this, I love you.
[11:12 pm] Alex:Are you fucking serious?
[11:14 pm] Emily:How long have we known each other? trust me, please
[11:14 pm] Emily:I know u love her dude
Emily spotted Jade and Beck outside and walked over to them. Jade turned around in frustration when she saw her approaching and Beck just looked distraught.
“Frankly, you’re a piece of shit. Would you be so kind and fuck off somewhere else?” Emily told Beck who looked a little shocked, but didn’t argue and just went back inside. Jade sat down on the porch steps and Emily sat down next to her.
“Thanks.” Jade said quietly, without looking at Emily. Emily gave her a small smile in return.
“You know she loves you, right?” Emily said it so casually that it caught Jade off guard. “And you’ve seen her life, you know she feels like no one gives a fuck about her and will just up and leave at any opportunity.” Jade knew what Emily was getting at, and she didn’t want to hear it. She didn’t want to sit there and listen to her accuse her of cheating on her friend, when she hadn’t. “Beck told Tori who then told me, so I know you slapped him square across the face.” Jade turned to look at Emily, a little surprised she wasn’t there to tell her all the things she was going to do in revenge for hurting her friend. “But Alex clearly doesn’t know that.” Emily said and locked eyes with Jade who quickly looked away.
“I guessed as much.” Jade whispered and swallowed her tears, not knowing how she was going to make Alex listen to her.
“I tried telling Alex to hear you out, and she basically told me to go fuck myself.” Emily smiled sarcastically and Jade put her head down in her hands for a moment.
“It’s officially fucked, cheers.” Jade reached for her drink but Emily stopped her. Jade furrowed her brows at her actions and Emily just sighed and let her take it.
—
I had no more tears left to cry and I couldn’t bear the silence any more. I walked over to find my phone, which had survived me throwing it, and charged it. When it lit up I had several missed calls from Jade, Tori and Emily. Emily had sent me several texts I was not going to respond to, except for that last one.
[10:58 pm] Emily 💛:I heard what happened with Jade, I’m sorry. There’s more to it than you know, please hear her out and try not to tear yourself apart. Call me when you see this, I love you.
Excuse me? What does she even know about it? I saw them, I saw them kissing and now she’s texting me, saying to hear her out?
[11:12 pm] You:Are you fucking serious?
[11:14 pm] Emily 💛:How long have we known each other? trust me, please
[11:14 pm] Emily 💛:I know u love her dude
Whether or not I love her is irrelevant. How long we have known each other is also irrelevant, since she’s showing zero support towards me, and instead wants me to listen to someone who’s clearly cheating on me. What kind of friend is that?
[11:20 pm] You: You don’t know shit
That whole conversation with Emily made me feel so angry and disappointed in this situation. If there was one person I thought would actually be there for me in all of this, it was her. But clearly, that wasn’t true either.
I went upstairs and layed down on my bed, hoping if I stayed there long enough maybe the rest of the world would disappear. I couldn’t sleep and I couldn’t cry, so I just stayed there. I don’t know how many hours it had been, but my phone started to vibrate with I don’t even know how many texts from Jade. I didn’t read any of them, I just layed back down, trying my hardest to fall asleep.