“…And that is how Stef and I got into our seventh argument this morning.”
Monte nods along, sympathetic and attentive as always. “That is exactly what my ex-husband did too, right before we separated. I had leave him because he did all of that. All of what Stef is doing now."
(Her selfless compassion for Lena's struggles with no ulterior motives is truly breathtaking.)
"Not - that our situations are the same," Monte falters, realizing what she said. "He just wasn’t right for me. In the way that Stef doesn’t seem right for you.. is my unbiased third-party opinion.”
Lena sighs. "I just don’t know what to do. She’s constantly keeping secrets, making decisions without me, putting the carton back in the fridge when there's only a few drops of milk left. I mean, last night she gave a dollar to a homeless woman without even talking to me first. It's like she doesn't value our marriage at all.”
"Disgusting." Monte readily agrees. "You could, AHEM, get a divorce, AHEM," she coughs weakly into her hand, "Pardon me, that’s some bug going around, huh?”
“How could you even suggest that?” Lena asks incredulously. “I’m in lov- I’m incredibly happ- I mean, we are not getting a divorce.”
The lunch bell rings just as Monte realizes she’d be better off taking her leave. In moments like these, Monte Porter was especially grateful for her highly-educated mind, a mind that could take a hint like no other. She'd just have to come back later that afternoon with a bottle of red and a lower cut blouse.
Monte pulls herself off the couch and bends over to slip into her heels, because women always lounge barefooted when they’re having heartfelt conversations behind their spouses' backs. They had an entire seminar about it at Princeton, along with a presentation on how to casually imply to your colleague that their mere existence makes you question your sexuality.
Lena looks displeased as Monte makes her way to the door. “Where are you going? I haven’t even told you all the the times Stef took longer getting ready than she said she would.”
"Oh.. Well, lunch is over and I have to get back to staring at the wal-, I mean, all the important, classified principal things that I do when I’m not in your office or trying to ingratiate myself through your children.”
Lena heaves another sigh. "I'm sorry, I'm just feeling a bit stressed out today."
Monte immediately gravitates herself back onto their couch before Lena even finishes her sentence, eyes wide with emotion. “Tell me. You're too incredible an educator to be unhappy. Have I told you that yet today? I don't know how I could ever run this school without you by my side, my talented, hard working, awe-inspiring, work slash life partner.”
“What was that last part?”
“Hmm? Nothing. I was just platonically praising your name, as friends do.”
Lena watches the Other Woman until Monte is once again curled up comfortably next to her on the couch. Heels off, legs tucked underneath her, pencil skirt riding up, gazing up at Lena with admiration. She feels a lot better.
“I just wish for once Stef would prioritize me, you know? I wish there was someone out there who would pay more attention to me and fulfill my inconvenient need to discuss every minuscule detail before making a decision. Someone that would bring me tea in the morning, and listen to me, and treat me like an equal.”
Like a magnet, Monte draws closer to Lena as she vents her frustrations.
“I want someone with looks that could kill. Luscious dark hair, firm tanned skin? Not to get too specific or anything. Someone who looks jaw dropping even in a vomit-coloured dress. Someone who can cook a perfect, grass-fed steak and regularly brings me wine. Like a six pack of wine. That’s not too much to ask for, right?”
With every word that comes through Lena’s lips, Monte’s hope soars higher and higher.
“Most of all, I need someone who can make me laugh as we unprofessionally mock our staff together in front of a romantic fireplace in an empty cabin in which our lesbian partners are conspicuously absent." Lena heaves a great big sigh. "Do you know what I mean? Ugh, what am I saying, you were married to a man.”
Monte licks her lips, “I understand completely, Lena.” She surges forward, reaching out to Lena’s gorgeous self. Just one more caress of her cheek, and then a kiss, and then - As soon as Monte’s hand makes contact with Lena’s face, Lena pulls away in shock and disgust.
“What are you doing?,” she snaps, “I’m happily married.”
Monte flounders. Did she read the situation wrong? That was impossible. She went to Princeton and Yale, she reminds herself. “I thought – “
“You obviously thought wrong.”
Princeton AND Yale! “But you –“
“Monte.” Lena immediately shuts her down, folding her hands across her lap, ready to deliver this hot piece of principal a lesson on R-E-S-P-E-C-T. She wasn’t head of curriculum for nothing. Just because an attractive woman cultivates an emotional bond with her attractive colleague based on mutual admiration and a whole lot of dissatisfaction in her current marriage doesn’t mean it’s an invitation for said attractive colleague to fall in love with said extremely attractive woman. God.
“I’ve been meaning to talk to you about this for a while, but I was waiting for the moment you crossed the line between being completely devoted to me and actually acting on those emotions. In fact, Senorita Rothin and I wanted to tell you this together: Your behaviour towards your female subordinates is completely inappropriate.”
“Hey, that was a joke! Our joke.”
Lena ignores her. “You can’t just go around giving special treatment to beautiful women, Monte. Even if they do look like the Greek gods themselves crafted them in their likeness. Which they did in case you were wondering.”
“I can’t believe you would share our joke with Senorita Rosarita Rothin,” Monte says with a flourish towards the end.
Lena shakes her head. “No. That moment died in the cabin. We can no longer tolerate your inappropriate behaviour. This is a serious, professional working environment. Next to a beach. Which we like to take long, romantic walks along sometimes while drawing comparisons between your divorce and my marital problems. I mean, there are rules.”
“Of course there are,” Monte exclaims, “but sometimes for the greater good, we bend them a little.”
“…What does that even mean?”
“You. You’re the greater good," Monte says smoothly, almost irresistibly.
“I know,” Lena han-soloed the Other Woman just as smoothly, shattering Monte’s bicurious heart ever so slightly. “Then you should have thought about that before telling Jenna you tried to kiss me, huh?”
“Actually, Jenna gave Stef the PG version. I may or may not have screamed your name several times while we were having lesbian sex together. Just that night at the cabin alone.
“Oh.” That was news to her. Lena’s eyes glaze over ever so slightly with all the details about Monte’s chest and apparent sexual prowess that Jenna overshared with her that morning in front of her daughter.
“But in fairness to me, Jenna found the shrine I have of you in my bedroom closet a few weeks ago, so it’s not like she didn’t already know.”
“Yeah, that’s reasonable – I mean, wait what?”
“We’re getting off topic here, Lena. The point is,” Monte says quickly, “it wasn’t my fault that whatever that thing that was happening between the two of us ended. My best guess is Jenna finally realized that night that compared to her, my chemistry with you could literally stoke the deepest layers of hell for an eternity or two, so she tattled to Stef.”
“It’s true, we do look ridiculously good together.”
“Right?” They share a little smile and Monte looks hopeful again for the first time in thirty seconds. “Divorce?” she boldly suggests.
“No.”
Princeton was absolutely no use.