Chapter 3
It was a three day ride back to Polis, but they made it in less than two. Lexa had refused to stop, urging her horse forwards until he could go no faster. She had cradled Clarke in one arm, and held the reins in the other, occasionally shaking Clarke to ensure she was still on this earth. Clarke had slid in and out of consciousness the whole time, murmuring incoherently, a look of panic and confusion on her face. Lexa thought it was down to her fever, and she had spoke softly to her on their way back; telling her stories of her childhood, and of Polis.
Lexa had sent Marcof ahead to inform Indra of the situation. If Clarke was to be seen as the formidable Wanheda, destroyer of mountains, then it was imperative that her people did not see her like this. Lexa needed Indra to help her get Clarke into Polis without any of her people finding out.
Clarke stirred in her arms, she had taken a sudden turn for the worst a few miles back, and Lexa felt a flood of relief when she saw the gates of Polis, standing tall amongst the forest.
“We’re here, aihodnes” she murmured against Clarke’s hair.
The gates swung open with just enough room for them to enter. Indra stood to the side, bowing her head in respect for her great leader.
“Welcome back He-”, Indra started, but Lexa cut her off
“Is everything prepared?”
“Sha” Indra “The guards have gone to deal with a situation near the market, and our best fisa is waiting”
Lexa dismissed Marcof and dismounted, striding silently through the sleeping city towards the Skaihou. Indra walked swiftly beside her
“I have had a room prepared for her.” Indra informed her “5th floor”
“She will stay in mine” Lexa said, her voice low and laced with authority. She could not be separated from Clarke, not now, not after everything.
“I’m not sure that is wise” Indra said carefully after a moment.
“It is not up to you” Lexa growled, picking up her pace. How dare Indra challenge her?
“Heda, think about this, please. Do not endanger your life because of misguided trust in some skaigada”
Indra was treading dangerous territory. Lexa carried on moving forwards, a murderous calm on her face
“Clarke is not some skaigada” She spat “Clarke is mine” Lexa regretted the words before they even left her lips. She knew exactly what she had just said. She had just claimed Clarke as her own, as her gadalukot.
Indra stopped dead in her tracks, but Lexa carried on moving forwards; she was almost there. She could deal with Indra later
“I demand an explanation”
Lexa stopped and turned to her, a dangerous fury in her eyes.
“You demand nothing Indra” Lexa snarled “You are treading dangerous ground. Do not challenge me again. Do you understand?”
Indra stood defiantly
“I said, Do you understand?” Lexa repeated, her voice dangerously low
“ShaHeda” Indra said, bowing her head in submission “Sorry Heda”
Lexa turned back towards the skaihou and crossed the short distance without looking back; she could deal with Indra’s insolence later.
_
The healers had done everything they could, and had tried to reassure Lexa that Clarke would be fine. The fever was due to an infection in the cut in her arm, which had been able to take hold of her body so quickly due to Clarke’s severe dehydration and starvation. They assured her that it was the fever coupled with the minor head wound that was causing Clarke to drift in and out of consciousness, rather than anything more sinister. They had just left, promising they would be back in a few hours to change the dressings on her arm, and to apply more of the anteeinfek cream to fight the infection.
Lexa let out a deep sigh as silence descended on the room; alone at last.
She looked over at where the skaiprinsa lay. She had lost so much weight; she looked gaunt and frail, so tiny amongst the furs draped over the bed. Her face looked relaxed and her breathing was even, so Lexa could only assume that wherever she was, she was happy.
Adrenaline was still coursing through her veins from the events of the past few days, and Lexa couldn’t bear to sit still. She paced around her room, the place where she felt safest. It had been a split second decision to have Clarke in there, she just couldn’t bear the thought of Clarke in some cold room floors away from her. She needed to be able to see her, to be able to protect her from any threats. She had come so close to losing her, just as she had lost her beloved Costia.
Costia.
The name still sent a stab of pain through her heart, even now, after all this time. Afterwards Lexa had sworn to herself that she would never love again, she couldn’t. She couldn’t have any weaknesses, and love was perhaps the biggest weakness of them all. She had kept herself distant from her people, never allowing herself to form emotional connections. To do that meant to put them in danger, and she would not put her people in danger willingly. She had believed that to be a strong commander was to be fearless, and to rule with an iron fist.
Whilst she still believed that being a good commander entailed these things, she had given up. Clarke had wormed her way into her heart and wasn’t leaving. Nearly losing her had made her see just how much she cared for the feisty girl, how much she needed her. Lexa was stronger when she was around; Clarke wasn’t afraid to challenge her, to remind her of what she stood for. She didn’t see the commander, she just saw Lexa - and it was nice.
Lexa had fought against the feelings Clarke evoked in her for too long, and she didn’t want to fight them anymore.
There was no point, they had already won.
_
Clarke hadn't moved in days. She had remained perfectly motionless, still in the same place Lexa had carefully laid her three nights before. She was so still that Lexa periodically held her ear over Clarke’s mouth to make sure she was still breathing. Every time she felt the warm tickle of Clarke’s breath relief flooded over her.
Lexa had barely moved herself. She had remained with Clarke the whole time, pacing the room for hours, thinking about her people and the things she must do to keep peace. People came in and out; mostly to discuss Commander business. Titus had informed her that there had been whisperings of talk of uprisings in the azgeda region. She needed to talk to her ears in the azgeda camp; She didn’t trust their Quin, and she didn’t want to dismiss these whisperings as rumours for them to turn out to be true. She had only just escaped a war, and to enter another would be bad for her people.
Eventually she would grow tired; exhaustion finally creeping into every bone of her body like a fog. She would slump down into the chair next to the bed where Clarke lay and allow herself to drift into a light sleep.
“no” a murmur roused Lexa from the heaviness of sleep, and Lexa was immediately on the defensive, dagger drawn. She looked around, realising that the noise had come from Clarke.
“no, No, NO!” Clarke’s voice increased in volume, and her head thrashed around on the bed, eyes still shut. “Please, no. There has to be some other way! PLEASE!” her voice was frantic, and her body tense.
“Shhh aihodness, it is okay” Lexa urged, trying to reassure the girl; this was the third nightmare in as many nights.
“I’m sorry! I had no choice!” She cried out, her voice breaking. The sound sent pain shooting through Lexa, she longed to ease the suffering of her skaiprinsa.
Clarke was becoming more and more frantic, her eyes screwed shut and her breathing increased to a rate that was surely not healthy. Lexa reached out an touched Clarke’s arm, Clarke tensed and Lexa immediately went to let go, but suddenly Clarke seemed to relax a little. Her features softened, and while she still thrashed around on the bed she seemed comforted by the contact. Slowly Lexa stood up and lowered herself onto the bed next to Clarke, laying down next to her and gently wrapping her arm around Clarke’s waist. Clarke had responded well to being held the past two nights, and Lexa hoped that it would bring Clarke the same comfort tonight as it had the past few nights.
Lexa laid with her until Clarke stopped thrashing, until her pained cries dissolved into incoherent mumblings. Most of what she was muttering under her breath could not be understood, but Clarke kept saying one thing over and over again
“All dead. They’re all dead.”
Lexa knew.
She knew what was troubling Clarke, and she let the guilt wash over her. It was because of her that Clarke was plagued by nightmares, it was due to her choice on the mountain; her choice to save her people over her love. A choice that, unbeknown to Clarke, is one that has haunted the commander ever since she made it that night on the mountain not so long ago.
Clarke may hate her for the rest of her life, it is what Lexa deserves, but Lexa wanted to tell her what drove her to do it, explain why she betrayed her.
Clarke deserved to hear it.
——
“I never meant to hurt you Clarke. I wanted to stay by your side on that mountain, protect you from the evils of the Maunon. And now, I wish I could take your place. If I could take the burden of those deaths from you then I would in an instant.” Lexa murmured, her cheek still resting on Clarke’s head.
She hadn’t moved since she climbed on the bed last night to comfort the Skai prisa, and she had not stopped talking to her. She had told Clarke everything, she had told her about Costia, and how her death still haunts her, how she feels responsible for it. She had told her about her deepest worries and fears, she had laid her soul out bare to the sleeping girl - something she had never done before. She had admitted things that she had ever admitted to even herself before, and she felt exhausted, yet it was somewhat freeing.
“I wanted to stay Clarke” her voice was quivering slightly “I never wanted to hurt you. Please don’t hate me” her voice broke on the last few words, and she held back a sob.
She wished she could turn back the time and for things to be different, yet she knew they wouldn’t. She knew that regardless of her feelings for Clarke, she made the right decision for her people, and that if faced with the choice again, she would always make the same one.
“I….I d-“ Clarke’s voice was heavy with sleep, and caught in her throat. She took a deep breath and cleared it “I don’t hate you Lexa”
Lexa looked down in shock, and instantly happiness and relief flooded through her with an alarming force.
“Clarke. You’re awake” She suddenly realised she was still curled around Clarke, her arm draped over her waist.
Clarke blinked a few times, her eyes looked like they were fighting to close, but Clarke was winning. She looked around the room, obviously disorientated.
“How long have I been out?”
Lexa sat up and put some distance between them.
“Three days” Lexa replied, fiddling with a loose thread on one of her furs. “You had a nasty infection in your arm, and a minor head injury. You barely moved at all, I thought i’d lost you for good”
Clarke forced a weak half smile “Can’t get rid of me that easily”
“Do not joke about such things Clarke, I would never try to get rid of you” Lexa said stiffly “I shall go get the fisa, tell her you are awake.”
With that Lexa swept from the room, allowing herself to glance back at the girl in the bed only once.