Chapter 4
Clarke must have fallen asleep again, for when she next opened her eyes it was dark outside. The room was softly illuminated by a cluster of candles, and in front of her Lexa was curled up in a chair, seemingly sleeping. She took a moment to look, truly look, at the sleeping girl. Laid there with no war paint and no armour, the commander looked young, innocent. Her hardened mask was gone, her features relaxed in sleep. Clarke was taken aback with just how beautiful Lexa was; the soft light of the candles cast a soft glow over the gentle sloping of her cheekbones, and her hair was loose, tumbling down her shoulder in soft waves. Clarke felt the familiar urge to draw her, she wanted this part of Lexa documented forever; it was a rare sight to see the commander like this, stripped bare of all her defences - open and vulnerable.
Clarke brought her attention back to the room; it was grand, and unfamiliar. It occurred to her that she didn’t know where she was, and made a mental note to ask Lexa later. She made an internal assessment of her physical state; her limbs felt okay, stiff from lack of movement, and the gash on her arm was healing, the infection nearly gone. Her head felt better, the incessant throbbing that had been present when she first opened her eyes was all but gone. She gingerly lifted her head up, propping herself up on her elbows. When she didn’t pass out, she took it as a good sign and slowly sat up, taking a minute to recover as the blood rushed away from her head, leaving her slightly dizzy. So far so good - now for standing. She carefully swung her legs over the side of the bed, and was shocked to see how thin they were; she quickly scanned her body and saw how bones jutted out where they didn’t before - she had lost a lot of weight since she left camp Jaha.
She had no idea how long it had been since she’d left Bellamy and the rest of her people; it felt like it was a lifetime ago. She buried that thought away in the back of her mind - thinking of her people made her think of what she had done to save them at that mountain.
She cleared her mind and set about attempting to get up. She shuffled closer towards the edge of the bed, the opposite side to where Lexa lay sleeping in the chair, until she felt her feet touch the cold, hard floor. She took a deep breath and stood, her muscles doing all they could to keep her on her feet; they were weak from the lack of movement, and the starvation. Her vision went black and she blindly grabbed onto the bedpost for support while her head swam as the blood rushed to her feet. She took deep, shaky breaths, willing her muscles to keep her standing. It only took a few moments for her to regain her sight, and for her head to stop spinning. She gingerly took a step forward, ignoring the screamed protest from her body. She felt so weak, and she was ravenous. She wondered when the last time she had food was, then she caught herself wondering when the last time the commander had eaten, finding herself oddly worried about Lexa’s welfare.
She had meant what she said to Lexa; she didn’t hate her. She didn’t think she ever really had; she had been angry at herself, and in her head she had been desperate to be angry at Lexa for what she did. But she couldn’t, because she understood. She knew that had the situations been reversed, she would have done what Lexa did without a second thought; telling herself any different would be a lie. She was glad Lexa had found her in the woods; she realised now that she hadn’t wanted to die, she just wanted to suffer, she had needed to suffer.
She walked over to the balcony, where the moonlight was streaming into the room, mixing with the candlelight. She needed to feel the air on her face, to remind her that she was still here, still Clarke. She looked up into the sky and saw the stars, so tiny and beautiful. How had her life ended up here? If someone had told her that in a few years time she would be on the ground, sleeping in the same room - albeit temporarily - as the commander, Heda of the 12 clans, and running away from the people she had lead, the people she had kept alive, she would have laughed in their face.
She had dreamed of the ground alongside her father, drawn sketches of it’s beauty, devoured every picture of the earth in every book she could get her hands on. She had longed to set foot on its surface, and had dreamt of a better life.
Well here she was after falling from the sky, and while the earth was breathtakingly beautiful, she wasn’t sure they had found a better way of life. yet.
“Clarke” a sharp voice came from behind her, Clarke whirled around to face Lexa “You should not be up”
Lexa’s stoic expression had settled onto her face, and Clarke wondered if she had ever consciously let anyone see the Lexa behind the mask.
“I woke up” Clarke said, unable to think of anything other than how strikingly beautiful those eyes were
“Evidently” The commander’s lip twitched upwards, just for a second. She said nothing more; the grounders were not big with their words.
Lexa moved silently over to stand next to Clarke. Illuminated in the moonlight, Clarke could fully appreciate her beauty. She looked so…different. Lexa was wearing a green nightgown of sorts; it was long and flowing, but it fit to Lexa’s form, almost as if it was an extension of her skin. It billowed around her ankles in the soft breeze. It had only 2 thin straps over the shoulder, showing off the most bare skin Clarke had ever seen Lexa expose, and it was the same beautiful tan as her face. Looking at Lexa stood tall, staring out over her sleeping people, took Clarke’s breath away. She radiated authority and power, yet Clarke knew there was a soft side to Lexa; she’d seen how caring and gentle Lexa could be.
Clarke shifted her attention back to the sky.
“I wish my dad could see this” she said after a while, smiling sadly
Lexa turned her head to look at her
“He can” she said, matter of factly “His spirit lives on Clarke”
Clarke sighed softly
“We used to dream about the ground, he and I” she began. For some reason unbeknown to her, it suddenly felt important that Lexa heard this. “He told me stories of the animals, of the plants, of all the things we would do when we got to earth.” She looked to the horizon “Of woods and rivers and lakes and beaches. Beaches where the sun shone, and the sand was warm between our toes, and the water lapped on the shore where the children played.” She felt tears forming, and she blinked them away.
Lexa’s expression was softer now, more gentle. They were silent for a while, but it was a comfortable silence. Clarke was somewhat surprised when it was Lexa who eventually broke the silence.
“There is a beach not far from here” She said, her voice even and somewhat commanding. Clarke wondered if she could ever sound anything but. “I could take you”
Lexa looked at Clarke almost shyly, and once again Clarke felt herself falling for her a little bit more
“I would like that” Clarke replied, taking a step towards lexa so that their shoulders touched ever so slightly. Lexa smiled, properly this time, and gave a curt nod
“Then it shall be done, strikskaifaya.” She declared, then held a hand to Clarke’s head “As soon as you are well”
——
Lexa had only allowed her to stay out on the balcony for a short while longer, before ushering her back into the room - Lexa’s room, she had found out - and back into the bed, muttering about how she was going to make herself ill again.
“Lexa, i’ll be fine” Clarke assured her “I am more than capable of getting into bed by myself” she continued as Lexa tried to lift her into the bed
“I am sure you are” Lexa said “I am just making sure you do not injure yourself further. You are quite clumsy sometimes, klarkkomskaikru”
With that she swept Clarke up in her arms as if she weighed nothing at all, and gently placed her down on the bed. She then set about arranging the many furs around Clarke.
“You are quite sweet sometimes, Leksa komtrikru” Clarke grinned
Clarke’s stomach growled loudly
“You are hungry” Lexa said, her mask returning somewhat “I shall have had food brought up for you.”
Lexa turned and made towards the door.
“Hey” Clarke said, causing her to stop
“Yes, Klark”
“Hurry back?” Clarke asked, her eyes hopeful and her heart beating unnervingly fast, though it had no reason to, she was simply asking the commander if she would come back.
“As you wish” Lexa replied, and Clarke swore she saw the hint of a smile grace the commander’s lips before she strode out of the room, her footsteps echoing down the hall.
——
Lexa had returned a short while later, arms laden with food. When Clarke had questioned just how many people Lexa was going to feed with it, Lexa muttered something about not knowing what food Clarke liked, so she had brought them all.
Lexa had warned Clarke not to eat too fast, but when presented with strips of meat and berries and pastries and bread and all with such a mouthwatering aroma, all self control went out of the window. She gorged herself on food until she was sure she could fit no more in. Immediately after stopping eating, her stomach began to churn violently, and she only just had time to dash to the bathroom before it set about emptying it’s contents.
When she had padded back into the bedroom and climbed back into bed, she glared at Lexa’s ‘i told you so’ that was so evident upon her face.
They had talked a little, but a lot of the time was spent in comfortable silence; grounders were not people of many words, and Clarke found herself growing to like that.
They were sat in silence right now; Clarke was looking at Lexa, watching the even rise and fall of her chest. Lexa was staring off into the distance, probably mulling over Commander business; she didn’t seem like one to easily separate business from the rest of her life. Being the commander was not just her job, it was a part of her. Clarke couldn’t hold back the yawn that escaped her lips, as the sleepless nights in the forest finally caught up with her.
Lexa’s eyes snapped back to hers
“You are tired” Lexa noted, standing up to leave “I shall leave you to rest”
Clarke’s heart sank at the thought of the commander leaving her in this strange room on her own. She hated going to sleep now, ever since the mountain. She feared the nightmares that would inevitably come, and she feared being alone.
Lexa must have noticed the change in Clarke’s expression, because she stopped in her tracks.
“What is wrong, klark?”
“Stay?” Clarke asked, not daring to look the other girl in her eyes. “Please?” She couldn’t keep the hopefulness from her voice.
Clarke could see the indecision in Lexa’s eyes, she seemed hesitant. Clarke thought she was going to leave, but then something changed, and Lexa nodded and went to sit in the chair again. It didn’t look comfortable in the slightest, and it was too far away. Clarke wanted Lexa closer, she wanted to feel the warmth of her skin. She longed for closeness.
Clarke reached out and grabbed the commander’s wrist, Lexa looked almost stunned at the action. Clarke fought the urge to let go.
“Would you lie with me?” She asked hesitantly, not sure if she was overstepping the mark “I just need….” she trailed off, unsure how to finish. you, she thought silently to herself. Ineedyou.
Lexa nodded stiffly, but Clarke could have sworn there was happiness in her eyes. She wondered if this was the first time Lexa had let herself get this close to another human being, in such a vulnerable way, since Costia.
Lexa silently moved around the bed, extinguishing the candles and climbing in gently, so as not to jostle the bed. Clarke marvelled at the way she seemed to move like a shadow, like a ghost.
Lexa laid stiffly on her back, staring up at the ceiling as if she were scared to move.
“It’s okay, I don’t bite” Clarke muttered, amusement in her voice.
Lexa looked confused
“I never thou-”
“It’s a saying” Clarke said, rolling her eyes and cutting her off before the commander could get herself even more confused.
“Your people have stupid sayings” Lexa huffed
Clarke rolled onto her side so she could see Lexa properly. She stared in silence for a few moments, before another yawn fought its way out of her mouth.
“Go to sleep, klark of the sky people”
“I’m not tired” Clarke protested, feeling like a petulant child.
It’’s not that she wasn’t tired; she was exhausted, but she was scared of falling asleep. She was scared of the images and tortured screams that would no doubt come once she closed her eyes. Sleep was no longer an escape; it was torture. A rush of emotion swept over her so violently that she suddenly couldn’t hold back the tears that threatened to fall; she was so tired of everything, and she was scared. She was scared of the nightmares, she was scared of rejection, she was scared that if she made one wrong move then her people would die, or a war would be declared. She was scared of the responsibility she held, and she didn’t want it anymore. She just wanted to be Clarke.
She turned her face into the pillow and couldn’t hold back the muffled sob that escaped her body.
“Klark?” There was worry in Lexa’s voice “Are you hurt? Shall I get the fisa?”
Clarke uncovered her face, trying to hold herself together.
“It’s not that” Clarke said, looking anywhere but at Lexa “I’m not hurt”
“Then what is it, ai hodness?” Lexa murmured with a gentleness in her voice that Clarke had never heard before, not like this. Lexa hesitantly lifted her hand and delicately brushed a strand of hair away from Clarke’s face; Clarke leaned into the touch.
“I’m scared” She admitted quietly
“Of what?”
“Of falling asleep”
Lexa gently rolled onto her side, scooting closer to Clarke. She gently place her arm around Clarke’s side, looking up at her, silently asking if it was alright. Clarke just moved in even closer, wrapping her arms around Lexa; she knew that Lexa understood, and she felt safer. She buried her head in lexa’s chest, and for the first time since the mountain, she let herself cry. She cried for the people she’d lost, and the people she’d killed.
But most of all she cried for the Clarke who died the moment they reached the ground.
She cried for the person she used to be.