Numbers
Numbers are a funny thing. They help us to count, to group, to tell time, and so forth. They are completely arbitrary yet it is almost human nature to use numbers which means they have to hold some significance in the human mind. Numbers are an crucial component to society acting as a base. How else would we know how many there was of something or how much was needed. Could you think of a time when you weren't using numbers?
Another concept that was made out of the human mind using numbers was time. Science has shown people lightyears away can see earth during the Roman time, does that make time nonexistent or just furthermore proof that it does exist? If time did exist then why could she not have a few more seconds to fix her mistake? If time were real could it not give her a few more seconds to ask the question later or leave the party later?
Philosophy was never her major but after taking a course in it one year suddenly she found herself questioning the very being of everything she saw. As expected she was skeptical about everything she saw trying to see all perspectives of the situation. No matter how many times her wife tried to convince her to just let life happen she was determined to put an explanation to it all.
Well for the first time in her life she had no explanation.
One
A single second was all it took for the situation to unfold the way it did. There was so much noise, too much noise for a single ear to handle, however it was not so much outside beside the screaming coming from another voice rather the ringing in her own ears.
There was someone yelling inaudible things but for some reason she could not get her eyes to open and see why they were. She was alive but she was not understanding what was going on. Maybe this was some sort of weird twisted dream that she could hear people talk but not see them.
“Are they alive?” The voice called out. She wanted to respond that of course she was why wouldn’t she be but she could not open her eyes. She tried again to open her eyes but her body would not let her.
“Call 911!” Why was it that they needed to call an emergency number? Someone’s life was endangered but did they think it was her own? It could not possibly be she was fine. How could she express to them that she was alive, that she was okay? Their voices were laced with worry and fear but she knew there was no reason to or so she hoped. She tried to sort previous moments where she was awake.
The memory flashed through her mind of the bright lights coming at her causing everything to click in her mind. She was in accident. How bad was it really that they had to call the ambulance? She really was fine she just could not get her eyes to flutter open.
But she wasn’t alone in the car, her wife sat in the seat beside her. Sudden panic filled her body at though that her wife being the one that was truly injured. It was enough to jolt her eyes open. The transition from the dark to sudden light caused the eyes to shut again.
Two.
It took all of two blinks before her eyes finally adjusted to the situation she was in. She tried to raise her left hand to shield from the light but it was stuck and unable to move. Attempting to remove her hand made her realize how immobile she truly was. Slowly turning her head to the side she finally caught glimpse of her wife.
Unmoving. The woman sat slumped in her seat fragile as ever. Not a single movement had come from her putting the other woman in action mode. Once again she attempted to move her body forward with more urgency now but the seatbelt kept her in place.
The woman’s body looked as if she were sleeping with her lips slightly parted and her body sprawled out. Beside the blood and glass that surrounded her she would have thought she had just woken up from her bed.
But she was not in her bed. She was not even in her home. They were stuck in her car after having suffered from an accident. Her eyes were tight shut and wondered if the girl had been struggling to open her eyes as well.
“Clarke.” The words finally croaked out of her mouth dry and rough in questioning, unsure herself what was going on.
With everything in her body she tried to reach her arm out to touch the girl but she couldn’t. There was only two things she was sure of. It was that they were in an accident and Clarke was not awake.
“Clarke.” It was more assertive this time with purpose and conviction. There was still no response from the girl. Some of the blood dripped into her eyes but ignoring the red marks her focus remained on Clarke. The blonde hair seemed to be drenched in blood making her realize she suffered a head injury.
Three.
That was the number of times so far her body went into panic discovering something new about the situation. Anything could happen at this point and Lexa would not mind, all she needed was to see Clarke flutter her eyes or move anything to confirm that everything was alright.
“Clarke.” She tried again but still no response. The mixed tears with blood came down her face as she turned her side to side trying to get a better hold of a way out. Her body was crushed between the airbag, not allowing her to see in front well, and the back of the seat.
There had to be a way to remove herself from the confinement so that she could get to Clarke. Though one of her hands was stuck she hoped she could manage to move the other to side so that she could pull her chair back.
Before she could focus on Clarke she needed to help herself first. So she went through a mental process of taking each moment by the moment not trying to freight about the next. The task was simple, get the handle and pull it down.
Despite the ease she was unable to do it. Her hands had found the handle but pulling it on it was much harder. With as much strength her body allowed her she came to the conclusion that it was stuck. In anger she lashed out her body as best as she could only causing her more pain in which she ignored.
Four.
“Clarke, baby please wake up.” It was the amount of times Lexa had spoken her wife’s name. Each time laced with more desperation than the previous one. This was her fault. She had taken her eyes off the road for just two seconds and that was all it took.
She would not be able to bear any thought or mind that she would never see those beautiful blue eyes. One movement was all she needed but understanding her struggle at first she hoped she could hear her talking.
“Clarke, if you can hear me know that I’m so sorry. You got to wake up, please.” The loud sound of the sirens finally replaced the ringing in her ear, well at least subsided the best it could.
“They are coming to help us. Just stay with me.” Still no movement from the blonde.
“I need you.” She whispered. It was the last quiet moment she had with Clarke before the true chaos began.
Five.
That was how many minutes it took for the people to actually arrive on scene since she woke up. The sound of people yelling and barking orders caused her to turn her head towards the window. With the pair of legs by the window and the closeness of the paved floor, the realization hit her that the car was flipped over.
A body laid itself on the floor and turned it’s head so that they could speak to the passengers in the car. The face was a very recognizable one. The eyes scanned the entire scene as best as he could.
“Miss. Woods?”
“Jackson?”
He tried his best to weave his hand through the shattered glass window to unbuckle Lexa’s seatbelt but it was jammed. As he retrieved his hand back, there was a slight shake of the car. It caused Clarke’s lifeless body to move and slop over to the side.
“Fuck.” The words muttered under his breathe knowing any improper movement to the car would cause it shake and with Clarke’s lifeless body and no seat belt attached to her she, was at risk of hurting her body even more.
“Please help her.” Lexa croaked out, hoping the man would obey her plea. It was Jackson from whom she had met at the fire station the previous days. Her voice was still sore but she was determined to make sure they helped Clarke before above all else.
“We are going to get you both out of here, don’t you worry.” That was all Lexa could really do though. How could they not expect her to worry, their car had been flipped over, Clarke was not awake, and she was stuck and in pain. Clarke was not responding and that was sending her more into shock than any of the pain that was taking it’s course through her body.
“Stop thrashing it won’t help.”
“Help Clarke.”
He left the girl to return back to other members of the rescue team to discuss possible action plans. Lexa did the best she could to tone down the ringing in her ears to listen to the conversation hoping for new information.
“Miss. Woods is trapped in there by the airbag and I think a possible jammed seatbelt.”
“Check for any other possible damages, we are on a time constraint. I want the removal of Miss.Woods first. No one else gets treated until she is safely out of the car.”
“What about Dr.Griffin? It looks like she suffered a massive head wound, she is still unconscious.”
“Follow your orders now.” The bark of instructions came with the sound of shuffling people following suit. Those orders were not going to go down well with Lexa who was now trying to reach over towards Clarke.
Lexa did not need saving, she was breathing but with Clarke she could not tell. Her body was neither rising nor falling it was completely still. Again she frustratedly thrashed her body out in hopes that maybe something will loosen up, nothing.
“Miss.Woods, you need to stop moving.” Lexa turned to find a new firefighter laying on his side so that he could talk to the woman.
“Take Clarke out first.”
“I have strict orders to help you first.” He moved his hands into the car to start helping her but he quickly retrieved his hand back Lexa had actually bit his hand.
“Seriously.”
“I told you what to do.”
“I have orde-”
“Well now you will take orders from me! I will have your fucking job and your life if you don’t help my wife first!” Lexa had barked out the words instilling a great fear into the firefighter. It followed by a cough due to the soreness of her throat. How she referred to Clarke went unnoticed but her threatening words had the power to choke him.
“We can’t get to Clarke until we get to you.” He tried again not sure who was the one he did not want to betray. His boss was his boss but he knew the kind of power Lexa had in this town.
“You got to help her. She isn’t responding.”
“I know Miss.Woods but please let me make you my priority so I can then save her. Time is ticking her.” With a grunt of defeat he was finally able to do his job and remove Lexa from the confinement she was in. He explained the process and what would happen before he began to go to work.
Loosening her was the easy part but pulling her out of the car proved to be much more difficult. The first movement jolted a loud scream from her throat. Her leg was stuck underneath which meant they had to remove the wheel before they could get her out.
“That will take too long.”
“It’s our only option.”
“Break my leg, then turn it.”
“Miss.Woods we cannot-” But his words were already too late as Lexa began to twist her leg into the awkward angle doing her best to ignore the pain.
“Miss.Woods!” His protest were not enough, she was almost at a clean break but she was caught by surprise as he managed to pull her leg out without breaking it.
“You are impatient.” He spoke as the finally were able to remove her out of the vehicle.
“Go take care of Clarke.” This was not a request but an order that was going to be followed through or she would have anyone’s head who did not obey. She tried to stand up but her legs were too weak to hold herself up. The paramedics were there in seconds to help put her on the stretcher.
“I don’t need it.” She spat but once again as she stood up she almost fell luckily being caught by one of them. Sighing she knew she had no choice but to at least sit down on it.
“I won’t leave until they take Clarke out.” Lexa demanded if they were going to keep her on the stretcher. Agreeing they began to attend to her wounds on the back of the ambulance that gave her a view of the flipped car.
As one of the men went inside of the car to retrieve Clarke she was finally able to take into account the scene that had developed. They did not hit into another car because Lexa would not qualify the semi as one. A part of her had wondered how she even came out barely unscathed in her opinion.
There a few injuries to her body like the fact that she could not move left arm but it could have been much worse. It was where she assumed Clarke had taken the worst of it. There was no question she would have nightmares of the sight she caught her wife in.
Able to settle her mind somewhat she was thought back of how the unscathed skin was now marked with different cuts, how her body lay limp in the passenger seat as if someone had just thrown her like a toy doll in there.
There had been nightmares the brunette struggled with where she thought she had lost the most precious thing in her life. It was not everyday someone’s worst fear came to life but when it did nothing made sense. Lexa would never be able to fully recall the events of the night nor would she able to live with herself if her nightmare took full effect.
Six.
There were six people who were standing by the car waiting to slowly pull Clarke’s body out of the car. Directions were being ordered, there were people crying, but none of it seemed to register in Lexa’s head. Why had they not pull Clarke out of the vehicle yet?
“I need a neck brace! Severe injury to the head, possibly spine as well.” A firefighter had called out.
Everything was done so carefully as if any wrong movement would break the fragile sculpture. Clarke was art and injured or not she deserved to be handle with the utmost care, at least that was what Lexa thought. Paramedics were running to the firefighters side to help the girl but they moved faster when they heard the words no one ever wants to hear.
“There’s no pulse.” It was those words that put Lexa into motion again snapping her out of her head and back into the scene. Her body moved to the statement but was quickly pushed back down by the attending person.
“You won’t be able to do anything.” But she wasn’t listening, Clarke had stopped breathing and that was the only thing on her mind.
“Lexa?” She didn’t move as she watched them resuscitate her back to life. Not even bothering to put her on a stretcher their main focus was to get the girl breathing again.
This wasn’t real, this wasn’t her Clarke. Clarke would never give up like this. Her Clarke would fight and fight because it was just who she was, it was one of the many reasons why she loved her.
Again she moved with eyes fixated on the lifeless body on the cold pavement. Finally able to get out of the grip she lunged off the ambulance. The cloud that surrounded her mind prohibited her from feeling any pain or words being yelled at her.
Going off the ambulance was a bad idea as her leg was not strong enough to stand on its own. Immediately she could feel her body ready to collapse but she was caught by a pair of strong hands.
Another compression to the heart. Clarke still wasn't breathing.
“Lexa! Lexa please!” Her eyes were locked on the body being pressed down upon. The focus didn't allow her to realize she was screaming Clarke's name repeatedly to wake up.
“You can't do anything.” The voice spoke into her ringing ear again but it didn't stop the words from pouring out of her mouth.
“Don't do this to me Clarke. You promised.” Lexa yelled as the arms pulled her closer despite the fight she was putting up.
Her words were incoherent to anyone watching. In fact everyone watching could not stop the tears flowing down. Lexa was always known for her strength to the public but never had she been so vulnerable.
The woman who they saw as serious, focus, determined, even unemotional was crying, screaming, and in pain. She was curled up in a pair of arms who held onto her with every possibly strength they could knowing Lexa was no weak girl.
The deep voice was laced with pain, a pain no would should ever be burden with. What no one knew was that she bared the pain for both of them. They felt each other’s pain and though Clarke was unaware of the pain she was suffering Lexa had felt it for her.
“Lexa.” The voice spoke again and this time it registered in her head. She leant into the woman crying even harder as she watched them try to bring Clarke back to life.
Lexa was not sure how she got her or what entirely was going on but Anya had been the one there to hold her wrecked self. They must have been still fairly close to her house and Anya must have heard the crash rushing right over. There was no doubt that this was plastered already all over the news as she was not just any person especially in Polis.
Seven.
It took seven tries to get Clarke’s pulse back. The breathing continued but her eyes remained shut. The only response her body gave was the very slow and almost inaudible breathing that soon was to be helped by the oxygen mask they put on immediately.
“Clarke!” She watched as they put her onto the stretcher that lead her into the ambulance. They had moved right past her but Lexa was unable to get to her. Anya had a good grip because Lexa wailed her arms around kicking her feet to get to her wife.
“Let go Anya!”
“You are making things worse Lexa!” The words barked out did not phase the woman.
Her natural instincts came in when she could finally see Clarke’s face in entirety. Without really thinking she suckered punch her capturer and hobbled to the stretcher stopping them from moving. Her body mostly fell onto it due to the fact her legs could not keep her up.
For the first time in her life she didn’t know what to do, she didn’t know how to react. What had she done? Clarke was in an oxygen mask with her life on the line. How did things get to this point? What had seemed like a terrible morning did not even come close to the way her heart cracked at the sight of Clarke.
Words and orders were being thrown around, people were shouting and loud bangs came from everywhere. The ringing in her ear never gave up but Lexa was too focused on Clarke to even come close to comprehend what had just happened. One of the paramedics was about to push her off but noticed who it was.
There was an argument going as Anya was attempting to defend Lexa while the paramedic quarreled with her. There was no time to waste which was why they caved in as someone had swept her off her feet. Her body this time did not resist as it were too in shock to understand. The green eyes were locked on the blonde as they lifted her into the ambulance and before she knew it she was carried into the same one.
The doors were slammed shut behind her as she sat on the seat. The paramedic began to work on Clarke’s head as they tried to stop the excessive bleeding coming from it. Lexa held onto the blonde’s hand noticing how cold they have gotten.
She had not realized that she had made the statement aloud until the paramedic answered her question.
“She lost a lot of blood.”
“Make it stop.” The words did not come off as a command as everyone normally heard. She was pleading. The infamous stoic Woods had tears strolling down her face begging the stranger to do anything to save her. Saving Clarke would mean saving two people because Lexa knew she wouldn’t be able to handle living without her.
“We are doing our best Miss.Woods. Would you let us check your injuries?”
“No. Clarke first.” The paramedic shook his head as he continued cleaning up her injuries. Clarke’s injuries were undoubtedly bad but he feared Lexa was injuring herself more possibly causing more injuries than necessary.
Lexa held onto to Clarke’s hand with her good arm repeatedly kissing it. She began to say her thoughts aloud not realizing nor caring that the paramedics were listening.
“It’s going to be okay babe. You are going to wake up, get better, and we’ll look back on this one day as a long distant memory. You are going to be okay Clarke. I just need you to wake up. You are going to be okay.”
Maybe her persistent words were not necessarily for Clarke but for own trying to convince herself she was going to be alright. Nothing in the world seemed to matter as every trouble, every argument, every moment of happiness, all of it fell into the abyss leaving an empty soul to await her other half of it to return.
When Clarke did not wake up what she had not known was that she took apart of her. She wondered if it was never hers to begin with but those memories were theirs and without the other what was the point of all those moments. What was the point of loving someone with your entire being if they were going to be ripped away? Were they ever even yours to love?
Another kiss graced Clarke’s hand as the brunette stroked her arm. In the moment there was no reason for all their memories if was going to end so tragically leaving her a pain unbearable to human nature. They say you only suffer the pain you can handle but that was a lie, it was bullshit.
If pain was replaced by happiness then was there a type of happiness she could not handle? It had not made sense and it was just a lazy excuse to explain pain. It hurt whether it is physical, emotional, or both no one is omitted to that rule. For the first time in twelve years Lexa realized that they would not be that exception as she had always dreamed about.
Eight
With the swinging of the ambulance door eight people awaited outside to help. Clarke of course was the first to go. As Lexa attempted to follow suit her crappy leg refused to be her friend in which she still had not learned from.
The paramedic carried her out and then placed her in a wheelchair much to her dismay. They wheeled Clarke away as Lexa began to protest that she wanted to go with her. If it allowed her she would use every bit of her power to make sure she went with Clarke but the doctors refused.
They wanted to provide her treatment but Lexa only wanted Clarke to be cared for. Anyone who was helping her meant there were less people helping Clarke and for an unknown reason she could not understand why it was like that.
“Lexa, you have to let them treat you.” Anya had come up from behind now trying to help doctors with an extremely stubborn Lexa.
“They have to help Clarke first.”
“They are.”
“If they are here with me then they are not with her.” Despite knowing Lexa so well it was the pain laced her in words to understand why she didn’t want treatment.
Lexa was blaming herself and whether she was doing this consciously or not she couldn’t live with herself if they had fixed her up and couldn’t for Clarke. In her mind she felt as if she deserved the pain, knowing it was not nearly enough to help with the guilt but only numb it for a while.
Anya knelt to the ground so that she was eye level with the brunette. “It was an accident Lexa, these things happen.”
She began to shake her head realizing too now why she didn’t want treatment.
“I looked away for a second.”
“Lexa.”
“What if she doesn’t wake up?” Anya pulled the girl close to her now giving any comfort she could possibly provide for the girl.
“We are talking about Clarke here. There is no one stronger out there than her.” Anya whispered into her hair.
Before Lexa could protest any treatment a needle was placed in her neck causing the her to be sleep induced. It was the only way they could help Lexa as at this point her pain was the only thing reminding her she was still alive.
What could she had done differently? Had the accident been truly her fault or was it inevitable? What if she had never asked for the leftovers? All the questions filled her head as she played the ‘what if’ game. The only question she truly wanted an answer for though was that Clarke was okay.
They will tell her that time will heal. That years from now they will be okay as if these moments never happened. People get over things because time allows them to work it out with their heart. The problem was her heart was not hers to keep anymore. With every number that passed today, the pain that controlled her body did not get better. No science or mathematics could help her understand in that moment that time does not exist because no amount of time could pass without guilt shaking her body for the rest of her life.