Four-letters
It was just her and the woman sitting across, legs crossed, comfortably on the brown leather chair. Peridot felt herself inhale slowly. Even though today marked two months attending these sessions, they always felt strange. Uncomfortable.
In this space, Peridot became hyper aware of herself and her surroundings. Her hands were cold and a tad moist to the touch. The sofa cushions were firm and the pillows resting on each side were plush. The entirety of the room was warm and dark, most objects having green, brown, and red hues. The blinds on the window were closed, but Peridot did not mind that. Actually, she probably preferred it. Instead of the main overhead light, several lamps lit the room, casting a perfectly sufficient amount of light. It was unnervingly calming. The room was yelling at Peridot to start the conversation. Anything.
The person across from Peridot beat her to it. “What’s on your mind? You seem engulfed in something,” the docter said keenly, still yet lightheartedly, leaning to one side. Supporting the side of her head with one fingertip, she never broke eye contact.
Normally Peridot was perfectly fine with eye contact. But being in a room with only one person who she was still not too familiar with… Well, it felt strange.
A three months ago after their vacation, Peridot and Lapis mutually agreed it would be best to see counselors. They contemplated going together, but decided it was healthier if they went separately. At first, they were both unsure and skeptical about getting that kind of help. If Peridot was honest with herself, if it was not for Lapis, she would have never gone. But as much as they had each other, they were still in the process of healing. Neither Peridot nor Lapis wanted to depend detrimentally on the other at this time.
Fortunately, Beach City University had a well-renowned counseling center. Current students, with school ID, could book regular sessions for only twenty dollars. Even though Peridot could afford it either way, she wanted to do what was most flexible to their schedule.
It was something they did not talk much about. But after the first couple weeks, Peridot noticed visible positive changes in Lapis. Her girlfriend was always the more upbeat one, but somehow it started showing much brighter. Lapis’ dark under eye circles clearing up was the most noticeable detail. She was getting an adequate amount of sleep.
Peridot, on the other hand, was restless at night. When Lapis spent the night at her place, or vice versa, the blonde found herself falling asleep hours after her girlfriend had. There were nights she decided to give up and just work instead. She casually mentioned this to her counselor, who began keeping track of her daily habits.
Vidalia, her counselor, was in her late thirties and blonde like she was. Despite her casual attire, her hair and makeup was perfectly put together every forty five minute session. Secretly Peridot wondered if her counselor ever went through a rebel phase in college. Something about the woman gave off that vibe. The older woman was intelligent, no doubt about that, not too bad looking, quick-witted with words, and looked like she had experienced everything.
“It’s nothing,” Peridot returned to the present moment, averting her green eyes.
“Hmm, if you say so.” Based on her tone the counselor did not believe her, but Peridot knew she was not going to push her to say anything.
What the hell, Peridot thought. She was here paying this person to listen. She might as well talk.
“I was thinking about family,” Peridot gave in.
“Your mother?”
“Family in general. My mother, my father, what family means to me… I’m not sure”
“Not sure of what?”
It was these kinds of questions Peridot wished the counselor would skip over. “Not sure what family means to me.”
“That’s understandable. Very recently you were hurt very severely by your mother, and watched your girlfriend go through a similar situation. I would’ve been hurt too if I were in your shoes.”
“The hurt Lapis is dealing with is much greater than mine. I’d rather not compare my situation to hers.”
“Yet you both shared each other’s experiences, by being present when they happened. Why do you say what your girlfriend is going through is more significant?”
“Let’s see she has to deal with post trauma inflicted by her sister, quit a job she’s worked so hard at, support her mentally ill mother through thick and thin only to be disowned, I can keep going.”
“I believe you. But for some reason, I don’t entirely believe this is about Lapis. Otherwise I’d recommend she attend these sessions as well.”
They both knew that was not going to happen. Peridot let those words sink.
“I guess not,” Peridot crossed her arms.
The counselor continued, “Your emotions are just as valid as Lapis’. Whether or not she is going through more does not invalidate your feelings any less. Everyone responds to hurt differently.”
“I know that!” She abruptly, frustrated. That all was obvious. What was this counselor trying to pull out of her anyway? But realizing she should not have snapped in the first place, she quickly retracted. “I just care about my girlfriend.”
The counselor moved her hand away from her face, sitting a little straighter. She appeared unfazed. “Do you mind if I ask you a question?”
Peridot’s first instinct was to become defensive and say something snarky, like how she could say anything because she was the counselor. But her next instinct was to withhold from doing anything remotely immature. The two warring drives caused her to say nothing and stare.
“When was the last time you did something nice for yourself?”
Stammering, Peridot said, “Of course I care. I eat healthy enough, keep good hygiene, maintain a respectable GPA, and… Uh…” Peridot did not really know. “Well one time I went to the gas station late at night, when I was craving ice cream. Or last Sunday morning when I allowed myself to sleep in.” Granted she barely slept that night.
“Let’s say eating and sleeping are necessities, and that taking care of yourself doesn’t include other people.”
“Alright,” she would have mentioned the vacation, but Lapis, Pearl, and Blue went on that trip too. “Um, uh, there was one, no… Or maybe that time when, no, that doesn’t count…” Peridot talked as she thought.
“You need to treat yourself. Go get a massage, have a beach day, do something you enjoy outside of your work.”
“I… suppose that’s not a horrible idea,” Peridot softened, offering a smile.
“Taking care of yourself is a given, but, you already know that. The difficult part is making time for it. But before we get too off-topic, I want to go back to something you said; that you’re questioning what family really means to you. Can you expand on that thought so I have a clearer understanding?”
“Sure, but I really don’t know what to say.”
“Anything you want to, or nothing at all.”
Peridot breathed in before speaking, “Growing up as a kid, I always knew my mother to be cold and standoff-ish. That’s just the way things were, and I never seriously questioned it. I suppose I was too absorbed in my own activities to really care or pay it any attention. But whenever I went over to a classmates’ house, both of their parents were home and involved in their lives. So it seemed at least. That’s when I started to look at my own mom and think, why is my mom never home? Why does she never seem to care?”
She went on, “That was the point in time I began to resent her. She was never around, yet very constricting emotionally. If I wore something she did not like, she would go through my closet and throw it away. That happened to almost every article I liked, and my closet just became a hoard of dresses. At least I was able to pick the color. I never had social media growing up, because my mom saw too many problems with it and thought it was an unnecessary time-waster. She would always talk negatively about people I would try to hang out with. Even if it was something as small as their eye-contact or verbal communication skills. That’s why when I got the full-ride to Beach City University and she didn’t approve, I left anyway. And after I had that recent conversation with her, she pretty much confirmed that she doesn’t care about me anymore, that I’m lower than scum.”
“Were those her actual words?’ Vidalia said incredulously.
“No, but she did say I’m just like my quote-and-quote, good-for-nothing dad, who disappeared when I was young. I suppose it was meant to be an insult, but I wouldn’t know. I don’t remember him.”
“Have you ever tried to search for him?”
“Not really. I’ve never had any desire to. If he cared at all, he would have fought to take me with him.”
“That’s a lot of hurt, and built up feelings,” the counselor stated.
Peridot felt her voice waver. “But I have something better now, and a girlfriend I lo-… care very much about.”
She almost said “love,” almost admitted fully to her feelings. Why was she not able to? It was not like she was ashamed or embarrassed. But Peridot and Lapis had not exchanged “I love you-s”, even after over six months of dating. Knowing what Lapis went through, Peridot was too afraid to rush anything. What if she admitted her feelings to Lapis, and it was too soon? What if Lapis did not feel the same way? What if she was being used as a crutch? This brooding thought came up one other time, while they were on vacation. But she quickly dismissed it then. But being in a counseling appointment, it was expected of her to think about these tough thoughts.
The counselor did not interrogate Peridot on her sudden swap of words, though it was blatant what that word was. “You always speak so highly of her. Do you think you regard her, as well as your friends, family?”
“I live with some of my closest friends, and though we aren’t related, I know them better than I’ve ever known my biological family. Especially Lapis. I know her more than my mom by a light-year. So to answer your question, I’m not sure, but if I did have family, they would be it.”
“You seem to really love your girlfriend, the way your eyes light up when talking about her.”
Just kidding. Vidalia did bring the topic up after all.
A violent blush took Peridot’s cheeks. “Well that’s an interesting observation.”
“I’m so sorry,” Vidalia looked genuinely embarrassed. “Was I totally off?”
“No, not completely,” Peridot sighed, taking a sip of water from her small paper cup in hand. “We haven’t talked about it. I don’t want to push anything, with her especially all that she’s gone through. I want our relationship to be good.”
“Interesting,” the older woman wrote something down. “Have you talked about feelings towards each other? Are you on the same page?”
“Always. Up to this point everything has moved at a steady pace. I’m just lucky I haven’t done anything to scare her off, or make her think I’m desperate,” the younger girl laughed nervously.
“Somehow I doubt Lapis thinks you’re desperate, taking in the considerable amount of time you have been together.”
“Perhaps that was an exaggeration, you know what I mean.” Maybe the counselor did not understand, but Peridot could not figure out how to put her feelings into words. Vidalia seemed experienced at this, for the most part. Could she not use her skills and knowledge to figure out was she was thinking?
By the look of it she did not. Or maybe she did, but was trying to hear it from Peridot’s own mouth.
“Fine,” she threw her hands up, “I’m in love with Lapis, and fell for her since the beginning. Now what?”
“I can’t decide that for you. But it’s good that you mentioned something here, to process it. It sounds like bottling this up has created some anxiety. Any kind of love can be tricky to understand, especially when you haven’t received much of it growing up. But here, we can process those feelings as much or as little as you want to. I can’t tell you what to do, or how Lapis might respond if you shared that with her, but I do promise we can process together.”
It was strange. Peridot’s chest felt a bit lighter, and she began to breathe slower. Those words meant a lot to her, said right then in that way. Alhough she might not feel as upbeat like Lapis after counseling sessions, she would be able to navigate these kinds of things. Suddenly, these appointments became much more valuable.
After the five minute drive back home, she heated up some leftovers before going into her room. She plopped down into her expensive, black leather chair, opened up a notebook, and grabbed a pen. Maybe if she wrote what she wanted to say to Lapis, the words would flow from pen to paper more eloquently. But she kept getting stuck after the header and the sentence “I’ve been wanting to tell you this whole time…”
“Ah, this is no use!” She crinkled up her fourth attempt and threw it in the recycling bin, feeling like her hair was falling out. “I just need to not overthink it.” The thing was, Peridot wanted to have it be meaningful, like the time she asked Lapis to be her girlfriend. Even though it took time to gather her confidence, asking her out seemed possible. So why was there much more weight placed on this eventual conversation?
Moving over to her bed, Peridot curled under the sheets, succumbing to the counselor’s recommendation to take care of herself. Extra sleep counted a little bit, right?
Maybe Lapis would be the one to say she loved Peridot, and beat her to the conversation. Whatever the case, the blonde was determined to make it meaningful.