Powerless
The drive over took an hour and a half southeast, the opposite direction of home. Taking an exit off the freeway, they were officially in the outskirts of Beach City, and not much was around them. Only cheap businesses like car washes, self storages, and grocery stores passed by them now. The never-stopping city was left behind them, and they were reaching the desert. There were many beautiful places in the Golden State, but here was certainly not one of them.
For the whole drive, Peridot never let go of Lapis’ hand.
Back at the peak of where they hiked to, both girls were surprised they were even able to get reception. When Lapis answered at the third call, Peridot watched her face drop and nothing needed to be said to know something was wrong.
“I don’t know how soon I can be there,” Lapis spoke into her phone. “In a few hours, maybe.” She listened to the other line giving out some directions, which Peridot overheard from the static voice, due to the call volume turned up so loud.
“Thanks, I’ll be there as soon as I can,” the tan girl repeated, said a shaky goodbye, and hung up.
She turned to the blonde, “It’s my mom.”
“Is she okay?” Peridot said immediately.
“As much as I want to say yes, she’s not. I need to go to the hospital. The call was the receptionist letting me know about my mom’s condition, and that she requested to see me.”
“Let’s go now,” Peridot was not one for standing around and wasting time, whatever the situation was. During the hike down, Lapis explained more of the details.
“You know how I’ve told you my mom has some health issues? A few years ago she was admitted to a psych ward, when none of us knew how to help her. I was only in high school and Malachite had disappeared before this time. I was all she really had, and I did not know what to do. Admitting her in was not ultimately my choice, but it was not hers either. Back then, she was a bit out of control.
“I came home one day from high school, it was just another normal day. My mom at the time was working from home, since her job allowed her to. But when I walked in the door, she was not there at her computer, like she would normally be at that time. She was not anywhere in the house. There was no note, though she’s never one for notes anyway. I thought it was a bit odd, but decided to touch base and call her cell. She ended my call on the first ring, and on my second time she let it ring to the voicemail. After sending a text to see what’s up, she just sent me one word: Bye.” Lapis could not look at Peridot in the eye, and vice versa. If Peridot even glanced at Lapis, she was sure her emotions would gain the upper hand.
“I didn’t wait for a reply to see what she meant by that. I called 911 the second after. And you know where the police tracked her number to? A train yard. She was just going to hop on a train and disappear, because something inside told her it was right. When we found her, she was lying down on the tracks, like a damsel in destress from a shitty western film.” The blue haired girl said it with bitterness. “The police had to arrest her since she was technically trespassing, and when they took her in, they also did an evaluation of her state. She had three options: jail time, rehab, because she was on something other than her anti-depressant, or be hospitalized. They convinced her to seek treatment at the hospital. I knew it would be ultimately for the best, since I could not always be there to watch her at home. She’s been at the ward ever since then.”
“What happened to her now?” She could see Lapis’ eyes get slightly watery when she asked. Peridot wished she had said something else.
“She attempted suicide, and is at the hospital getting treated. She has not woken up yet since she fell asleep on her hospital bed.” The way she said it was so blunt and straightforward, even for Lapis.
Peridot was not intimidated, but she did not know what to say. What, that she was sorry? That she deserved better? Nothing seemed appropriate, and the blonde was no psychology major to recognize the best response. There were so many thoughts going through her head, as well as an aching urge to reply or even simply acknowledge Lapis in some fashion. But she did not. In these kind of speechless moments, which occurred rarely, Peridot acted outside her character and kept shut. Listening to her while the blue haired girl drove, she did not say a word, praying for Lapis to not hate her.
Remembering their hike down the mountain, Lapis said very clearly to her, “You don’t have to come along. I don’t want to bring you into this, especially right after you asked me to be your girlfriend. That would be unfair.”
But Peridot was stubborn, and reassured her it was fine. “For a good portion of my life, I never had anyone around when things got difficult. I know how I felt during those times, and I just…,” she took a sigh, “…I just don’t want you to go through that too.”
“Oh Peridot,” Lapis cupped the smaller girl’s bicep. “I already have.”
“But you don’t have to, not anymore.”
Lapis stared off into the distance, into the ever sparkling ocean. “…Okay. But since you drove here, let me drive to the hospital since I know the directions. I’ll pay for gas.”
“You don’t have to do that, pay for gas I mean.”
“I want to.”
“I’ll prevent you from doing any such thing.”
“I’ll do whatever I want Lapis,” she said with a certain tone of voice, which made Lapis giggle. But laughing also brought out a tear, which she choked back. Lapis was likely in a very emotional state, and holding it all in for Peridot’s sake. Maybe even her own.
Please don’t hate me Lapis, I just want to be there for you.
Now they were pulling up to the hospital parking lot. Finding a space to park was surprisingly easy, and Peridot said a quick thanks inside of her head.
“Are you sure you want to come in? You can just wait in your car and take a nap. I’m not sure how long it will be.”
“Lapis.”
“Sorry, I forgot how stubborn you can be. You win this one, since I don’t have the energy to argue anyway,” she shrugged.
Why did it feel like the tan girl was pushing her away? They only became official a few hours ago, and already, things were not looking so bright. Was she being too insistent? Or did Lapis just not want Peridot with her at all? Then she had a sudden realization. This was not about her or Lapis at all. This was about Lapis’ mom, who was in the hospital. Getting the call from the hospital probably took Lapis back to high school, when her mother was admitted into the ward. And today everything escalated again, including all those memories. How could she think so selfishly in the first place? Had she rushed into their relationship too fast? This could well be a sign that she was not ready for a relationship.
Living on her own for so long, Peridot was still getting used to having people in her life again. Thinking outside herself was not something she was completely used to, since it served as a mental survival method since the day she realized her mother did not care. She did not like to think of herself as a selfish person. Technically everyone is selfish to some degree. But being by herself for so long, it was harder to see outside herself. Now that Lapis and her other friends were part of her life, her worldview was changing.
It hit her like an anvil which fell from the sky. Everything in her life was shifting. Though she liked it and even encouraged it, it also terrified her. Routine was what pulled her out of her high school and community college misery, as well as the heartbreak over Rainbow Quartz. Now she was gambling with her emotions, and becoming too attached to a girlfriend and friends who could decide to leave any time.
This change was not bad, she prayed. But the last time she experienced a large change, this case with Rainbow, she was left in the cold. Every other major change in her life never turned out well. With routine, she could have some control. But suddenly, everything about her own life seemed boring, unappealing. That was what it stayed since the beginning to the present. Next to her was Lapis, the girl who was reshaping her life, which Peridot accepted.
Lapis was sweet as she was daunting. Though similar in some aspects, they were different still in many ways. The tan girl was more confident and able to speak her mind, which Peridot appreciated. She was familiar, yet remarkably dissimilar. But deep down, Lapis Lazuli was a good person with a very kind and sensitive heart. That right there was something Peridot cherished, making any unfamiliar change resulting from being with Lapis worth it. Being around Lapis made all her anxieties about the future dwindle to almost nothing.
Inside the emergency lobby, the first thing Peridot noticed was the smell; bland, sterile, and smelling of sick people. Pale art devoid of all saturation and reference to people hung on the walls, and contemporary sculptures giving zero clues to interpretation sat on every other table. The flowers on the reception counter were real, providing the only source of color in the room. The receptionist, who was young, good-looking, and very well dressed, frantically typed at her computer. No doubt work was stressing her out.
Lapis waited with Peridot by her side, behind the sign instructing them to stay a certain distance from the counter. By the time ten minutes passed, the blonde could tell Lapis was getting antsy and slightly annoyed, yet did not say anything. Her hands felt warmer than usual.
The receptionist looked over, looking Lapis straight in the eyes. As if helping people was a burden. “Can I help you?”
Tugging Peridot’s hand, Lapis took the blonde with her to the counter. “I received a call about my mother, Blue Diamond, who was admitted to the emergency center a few hours ago. She requested to see me, and I came as soon as I could.”
“I’m sorry, there are no visitor hours at the moment.”
Lapis lowered her voice, as if to remain cool and collected. “I checked online and it said otherwise.”
“That’s for non-emergency patients. If you want to visit your mother, you’ll have to wait an hour once the shift change is over.”
“I’m sorry,” she said a bit baffled, “but my mom requested to see me. She just attempted suicide, and I have no idea what condition she’s in.”
“Look, I’m just doing my job. I don’t make the rules. When the next doctor comes in, I’ll let them know. Sign in here with your name, signature, time, and date, so we have it on record.”
Lapis pressed the pen hard against the paper and surface of the counter, writing her information down without saying a word. Peridot followed suit. She led Peridot to the well section, where they took seats in the corner. The chairs, though of modernistic design like the rest of the building, were uncomfortable and offered no back support. Waiting in silence, Peridot found herself dozing off, resting her head on Lapis’ shoulder. When she awoke, the doctor who was taking care of Blue Diamond came back on shift, and called for them.
“This is my girlfriend Peridot,” Lapis told the doctor. “She’s with me.”
“Not a problem, though if you brought two people, one of them would have to remain in the lobby because of your mother’s condition.”
Peridot only listened to the two conversing back and forth, without speaking a word.
“What’s her condition? They never told me details over the phone.”
“Unfortunately, not good.” The three of them stopped at a doorway. “Likely she will recover, but worst case scenario she will suffer brain damage, some internal damage, and possibly scarring. After taking half a bottle of pain relievers, she attempted to hang herself from the plumbing fixture in the bathroom. She and her roommate shared the bathroom at the ward, with two other patients living in a room on the other side. It unsure how the pain relievers were snuck in to the facility, but the fact that she had them in her possession should be looked into. If her roommate hadn’t found her on the ground and called the staff, it likely would have gone through. Does your mother have any other family around, perhaps siblings or cousins?”
“No. There’s my older sister, but we haven’t heard from her in years.”
“I apologize, that was a personal question to ask. I was going to recommend if she has any friends or family members she’s close to, they could be an effective support system.”
“I’ll check through her phone book next time I visit her house.”
“Another thing to consider. The psychiatric ward held total care of your mother, when she attempted. By law you are entitled to open a case and even potentially sue the ward for malpractice, since staff was assigned to come by her door every fifteen minutes, but failed to the last hour. However recent studies show that fifteen minute check-ins for suicidal psychiatric inpatients can be counterproductive, and aren’t as accurate in evaluating at-risk patients. But it still a design practice they were upholding to, and when they hadn’t come, your mother’s roommate informed our medical staff about that. It may be something to look into.”
Lapis looked at Peridot, giving her a sad glance. Peridot knew Lapis would not be the type to sue, as she did not have the time and energy, nor need the money. She was just heartbroken over the whole situation. As the doctor kept on talking, the blonde felt increasingly overwhelmed.
Turning back to the doctor, Lapis asked, “Do you mind providing me with a list of psychiatric ward referrals, and maybe a referral list for psychiatrists as well? Or at least places you would recommend?”
“Of course. I’ll provide you with all that information to you before you leave. I’m assuming you’re her primary contact from what you’ve said.”
Lapis nodded, and the doctor seemed to make note of this as he spoke. “Just to inform you, a nurse is assigned to keep close watch on all attempt patients, until they are let go, reassigned, or released to the ward. Depending on her mental and physical condition, we usually keep patients from a few days to three weeks. In your mother’s case, we recommend keeping her in for at least a week. It looks like your mother’s insurance listed here covers her stay.”
That’s some good insurance, Peridot thought. With her work, it did not exactly provide full insurance. But with what she was making, if she had to check in to the hospital for a few days it would not be a huge hit. Hopefully it would never have to come to that. But the smaller girl saved a mental note in the back of her head to do research on insurance companies out there.
The doctor scribbled a few notes and checked a box off on a sheet, and he and Lapis exchanged a few more words. “And if you need assistance you can go up to the counter, or have your mom press the button on the bed to call non-urgent aid.”
Lapis nodded and thanked the doctor, as he rushed off to the next patient waiting.
No words were exchanged between the two girls. They heard it all from the doctor’s mouth. Letting go of Peridot’s hand, Lapis moved forward first, slowly into the room. There Blue Diamond lay asleep on the hospital bed with scrubs on. Besides breathing, she did not move at all.
As for appearance, Lapis did not resemble her mother, though they did have the same tan skin. Blue Diamond also held that same natural beauty as her girlfriend, though in a different way and apart from being in a critical state. She was not what Peridot expected her to look like. Blue Diamond had a gentle and motherly face while she slept. Outside the hospital setting, Blue Diamond seemed like the type of person who enjoyed wearing nice clothes, getting expensive haircuts, and would put makeup on every day. Not too different than her own mom.
A nurse was in the corner with a clip board taking down notes, and held a book to the side of her. If the blonde had not heard the pen tap on the board, Peridot would not have noticed her right off the bat. Was the nurse even allowed to be reading on shift? Was she solely observing Blue Diamond, or the two of them as well? Peridot did not like the feeling of being watched at all. It gave her the heebie-jeebies.
“How long has she been asleep like this?” Lapis was now at the foot of the bed, facing the nurse to her left.
“Since she got here, which was only six hours ago or so. Three hours prior, she woke up only for a few minutes, and that’s when she mentioned your name.”
“We came as soon as we could when we got her request.”
“She did not request for you…” The nurse’s voice became uncomfortably small. “Again, she’s been asleep this whole time.”
Blue Diamond did not look like she was asleep or breathing at all, even though the monitor was beeping still. Sleeping was just a fancy nurse word to make light of her condition. But no one wanted to say it.
“Well then why on the phone did they say she did?”
“The staff at the ward overheard her say your name in the middle of an incomprehensible sentence, as she was being transferred over here prior to her screening. She had little energy to speak, and you were the only person she referenced. In her medical records, we saw you listed as her daughter and her emergency contact.”
“I see…”
Lapis never went any closer to her mother from where she already stood. All the taller girl did was observe from a distance, never wavering her stare. It was like she was hypnotically fixed on her mother’s blank slate of a face, expressionless and weak.
“When do you think she’ll wake up?” Lapis asked, without looking at the nurse. She said those words as if she was talking to herself.
“It’s unclear. If she’s lucky, within the same day. Fortunately for your mother, I’ve seen much worse.”
“Were there any clues as to why?”
“That is also being looked into by the ward staff as we speak.”
The blue haired girl did not say a word after that. The room was silent, apart from the consistent beeping of the monitor. The atmosphere made Peridot anxious, as if something terrible was going to take Blue Diamond by surprise. She wished she did not dwell on such distressing thoughts, but then again she was prone to overthinking.
As if Lapis could read Peridot’s mind, she said out of the blue, “Let’s go, and let her sleep.” As if Blue Diamond was already awake.
Once they were out of the room, Lapis started walking at a fast pace down the hall to the exit. She was normally a fast walker and so was Peridot, but she was moving faster than normal. Peridot spoke, “Don’t you want to stay longer?”
“I don’t need to.”
“But you came all this way, and she’s your family. We were only in the room for fifteen minutes. Don’t you want to wait around until she wakes up?”
“It’s okay, Peridot.”
The blonde shut up after that. She was having a lot of those silencing moments today, and by this time she was getting used to it. They did not acknowledge the receptionist lady at the counter, and went straight out the double doors to the parking lot. Once they came to Peridot’s car, the blonde insisted she drive by getting to the driver’s side first. Lapis did not complain nor care.
They went into the sedan car, and shut their doors almost exactly at the same time. Lapis did not look okay, despite what she said to her in the hallway. The girl looked as if she was about to have a breakdown, the way she stared into nothingness and her face was becoming flushed.
Peridot badly wanted to hug Lapis, hold her and say everything was going to work out. But did Lapis want that, or did she want to be alone? The green eyed girl felt so powerless and overcome with sorrow, when she scarcely knew Blue Diamond.
She did not start the engine. Both girls simply sat in the car in silence, in their own minds. When Peridot turned her head slightly to peek at her girlfriend, waves of tears streamed down her face as she cried in silence. Lapis looked like a different person when she cried, though definitely not any less beautiful. Her gentle violet irises turned electric when her eyes swelled, and even past her tears every facial feature was softened.
Not resisting any longer, Peridot put the palm of her hand on Lapis’ back. Instantly by the gesture, she broke into sobs and leaned towards Peridot, accepting her touch. Wrapping her arms around the girl, she held Lapis tight and securely. It was the only thing she had the power to do. In that moment, the blonde was completely determined to protect Lapis at all costs. The blue haired girl had experienced enough pain and hardship. She made up her mind to look after and support her unconditionally, whether Lapis already knew that or not.