Part One
Inspiration works weirdly.
Some people have to seat during hours before finding the perfect sentence. Some people write an entire book within a short among of time. Some people wake up at 3 am to write on a sticky note some idea they got in a dream. Some people write an amazing book and never write again. Some people write hundreds of them.
For Tobin Heath inspiration comes when it does. She doesn’t torture herself to find the perfect idea; she just lets the idea come to her.
The world surrounding her is enough of an inspiration. A dog crossing the street, a wave slowly brushing the sand, a slit on a wall, a woman sitting at a bar, an full steaming plate, a laugh ringing from outside her house, an old man whistling happily, a bone breaking hug given by a friend. Anything. Anything can be a source of inspiration for Tobin Heath.
Today she’s longboarding along the beach when a little girl kicks her ball too strongly and sends it toward her.
The novelist stops and picks it up from the ground as the little girl runs to get it back.
“Hey there, did you lose something?” The tan woman offers a warm smile to the girl and hands her the ball.
“Thanks to you I didn’t! It’s my favorite ball so I’d be really sad if I had lost it. Thank you.”
“Why is it your favorite ball?” Tobin wonders tilting her head a little.
“Because my Mom bought it to me when I told her I wanted to be a professional soccer player.”
“You wanna be a soccer player? That’s so cool. I love soccer.”
“I love it too!” The young girl responds excitedly.
“Alexandra where are you?” A woman’s voice calls from the beach.
“Oops that’s my Mom! Thanks for stopping my ball. Bye.”
Tobin doesn’t have the time to reply as the girl is already walking toward her mother while juggling her ball.
Midway she stops walking and does a quick little trick before making her way to the beach again.
And that is when Tobin gets it. The flash. The idea. The inspiration. The trigger to her new book.
“Goodbye.”
The plot quickly builds itself in her mind and she forces herself to remember all the details she can think of.
“Not the good day to be running out of paper Tobin,” she mumbles to herself.
Her eyes catch a glimpse of a stationer in a small street and she quickly turns around to go purchase paper.
A little bell rings when she opens the door.
“Good afternoon Miss. What can I do for you on this fine day?”
Tobin immediately loves the atmosphere of the place. The little shop gives a feeling of privacy and the smiling woman who seems to own it makes her feel comfortable.
“Good afternoon. I’d like to buy you some sheets of paper please," Tobin smiles back at the middle-aged woman.
“Will it be all?”
“Yes please. I have to quickly write my ideas before I lose track of them. I have a good plot in mind and I would hate to let it slip away.”
“Oh you’re a writer?” The woman’s eyes widen a little.
“Yes, and I have a feeling that this book will be special so I really need to write,” she says more quickly to speed the conversation.
“If it’s a special book you need special paper.”
Tobin is about to protest but the woman already hands her a packet of sheets.
“Thanks. How much do I owe you?” She fumbles in the back pocket of her cargo shorts for her wallet.
“Nothing my dear. It’s my pleasure to help you with this book.”
“I can’t accept.”
“Just promise me you’ll come back and tell me if you liked my special paper.”
Her genuine smile warms Tobin’s heart and she finally gives in.
“Thank you very much. I’ll come back when I need paper. And I’ll give you a copy of my book if it ever gets published.”
In the blink of an eye Tobin grabs the paper, waves at the woman and gets out of the shop.
Once outside she rolls for a few meters on her board before sitting on the sand with volleyball players, people tanning, screaming children and ocean sounds surrounding her.
“Okay… I’ll start with a first quick draft of my ideas of the main character,” she thinks.
She finds her favorite pen in her pocket and starts to write here and now, letting her ideas flow.
Alex has had a tough life. Her parents died when she was 6 in a car accident. Since then she’s been scared of the dark. The link between the two events is mysterious for the people close to her but that’s just the way she reacts.
She was really close to them. Her dad (Michael) taught her how to play soccer and her mom (Pamela) was her best friend.
She is an only child so their deaths had left her with her grandparents as only family.
To make her parents (she is still sure they’re watching over her) proud she studied a lot in middle school and high school and practiced her soccer skills every day after school until she couldn’t walk anymore. Her schedule didn’t leave time for friends.
UNC had called her during her senior year and all her efforts were rewarded.
During her debut in college she made her grandparents proud by killing it in soccer. Unfortunately they both died during her junior year; respectively from a heart attack and from sorrow.
Their deaths made her realized how lonely she was. Indeed, only focusing on soccer and studies as in her younger years she didn’t have time to make any friend.
At the end of her senior year she got a call from the National team and for once since her parents’ deaths there seemed to be hope in her life.
She packed her pink suitcase with every piece of cloth she owned and checked if her wallet contained all her papers before leaving her shitty apartment to go to the airport. There she decided to flee the East Coast, the coast she’d known her whole life and the coast which only brought her sadness, to go to the West Coast. Her destination: San Francisco. She has planned to stay there until camp.
Age 23, tall, brunette, baby blue eyes, raspy voice, sweet smile, soccer player’s body.
The story starts there and will deal with the adventure of Alex; the lost and lonely soccer player and how she’ll learn what it means to live.
Tobin’s ringtrone cuts her as she is about to start the first chapter.
She groans before checking who is calling.
“What do you want Ashlyn?”
“Dude I’m outside your house where are you?”
“I’m at the beach. I’ve just got an idea about a new story and I’m writing it. So come by later I have work.”
“Tobs it’s getting dark you should come back. I promise I won’t be long; I just want to see you for a bit. And then I’ll leave you to your words.”
“Ash I really need to write,” Tobin sighs, playing with the sand with her hand.
“Come on dude I just miss you. If you want I can just seat in corner and watch you write. I won’t bother you I promise,” Ashlyn pleads in her phone.
“Fine I’ll be here in two minutes. The backdoor is open if you want to wait for me inside.”
“Cool! See you soon buddy.”
Tobin reluctantly stands up, brushing the sand off her shorts, and stuffs the sheets in one of the pockets.
The way back home passes quickly as the plot of her book develops in her mind.
She is immediately greeted by a tight hug when she enters her house.
“Promise I won’t bother you,” Ashlyn quickly says in Tobin’s ear. “But if you want to have some fun with your old friend, I’ve brought some rum.”
Tobin chuckles as her friend plops down on her couch while pointing at a bottle of Captain Morgan.
“Alright, one drink and then I’m working on the book again. Understood?”
Ashlyn lifts her hands in surrender.
“You’re the boss.”
Tobin walks to her messy desk to put down the sheets of paper tucked in her shorts.
When she turns back Ashlyn is pouring rum in two glasses expertly, making Tobin giggles to herself at the sight of her tongue poking out.
She decides to subtly include this moment in her book so when she finishes it she can remember what she was doing the night she had started it.
Her favorite pen delicately scratches the paper, adding just a word, before she turns her back to the start of her new book to join Ashlyn on her couch.
The adventure of Alex Morgan, the lost and lonely soccer player and how she’ll learn what it means to live.
**
A loud gust of wind wakes Tobin up and she blinks a few times before sitting up and noticing it’s already past noon.
As she had predicted Ashlyn stayed over until the early hours of the morning; leaving Tobin with a slight headache, a dead bottle and a blank page as a first chapter.
Standing up she drags her feet to the kitchen and starts to boil water for her morning tea. She glances at her bay window to see that the weather forecast was accurate. Indeed, wind is blowing strongly while the dark grey clouds discharge all their sadness on the city.
“It’ll be a lying on the couch in sweat pants, listening to rainy day music kind of day,” Tobin says to herself before pouring herself a cup of tea and grabbing her writing stuff.
She settles on her couch and starts to read what she wrote the previous day while sipping her hot beverage before getting ready to start her first chapter. The cap of her pen falls on the couch next to her and there’s a millimeter left between the lead and the paper when her doorbell rings.
“Okay, I’m starting to believe there is some sort of conspiracy to keep me from starting this chapter,” Tobin grumbles before putting her sheets and her pen down on her coffee table and making her way to the door. “And who gets out with weather like that?” She throws her arms in the air in disbelief.
The doorbell rings again.
“I’m coming!”
Her key slides into the lock and Tobin opens her door without looking into the peephole.
Her jaw drops.
“Please help me.”
Standing there is a soaked woman looking frightened and lost with tears streaming down her face. She is only wearing a t-shirt and jeans and her body is shaking as strongly as her voice.
“Oh my God come in.”
Tobin wraps her arm around the woman’s shoulders and grabs the little suitcase next to her, immediately guiding the woman toward her couch.
“Here, take this blanket,” Tobin hands the warm fabric to the woman. “I’ll get you some dry clothes really quick.”
She’s never run up and down the stairs as fast as she does to get the woman a change of clothes.
“Here, take this. There’s also a towel to dry your hair.”
The stranger takes the clothes in her shaking hands and just by brushing them with her fingers Tobin shivers at how cold they are.
The novelist turns her back to the woman, letting her dry her body and change privately.
“Thank you.”
The trembling rasp lets Tobin know that it’s okay for her to look.
The stranger has wrapped herself in the blanket again and Tobin quickly sits next to her before rubbing her hands up and down on the woman’s arms to help her warm up.
“What happened to you?” Tobin whispers slowly, worried that the woman was hurt by someone.
The woman brings her hands to her face and Tobin hears her try to control her breathing.
“I don’t know. The last thing I remember is that I flew here from North Carolina. I got out of the airport. It started to rain and I was about to take my coat out of my suitcase… Then nothing. Something must have hit my head because everything went black. The next thing I know I’m standing in front of your door.”
As she speaks her voice gets strangled by sobs.
“What is happening to me?”
Tobin knows what a panic attack looks like and the stranger on her couch is at the verge of being a victim of one. She has to calm her down before it gets worse.
“Hey hey hey, look at me,” she breathes, trying to sound as soothingly as she can.
The woman lowers her hands to let Tobin discover her eyes. A small almost inaudible gasp escapes the novelist’s lips at the lightness of their color.
“You’re safe. Don’t worry. We’ll figure what happen to you together. Right now you just need to calm down. Breathe with me.”
Tobin takes a big inspiration and exhales deeply. The woman follows her lead and after a few repetitions she seems to calm down.
“There you go. It’s okay. You’re okay,” Tobin smiles warmly, adjusting the blanket on the stranger's shoulders.
“Thank you,” the stranger whispers, and for the first time Tobin gets a small glimpse of the woman’s smile even though her eyes are still showing some panic.
“We just need to check something though. If you think you got hit by something I gotta make sure that you don’t have a concussion or something.”
The stranger runs her hand in her damp hair, searching for any wound our bump.
“Do you feel dizzy or nauseous?” Tobin asks.
“No I don’t. I’m just cold,” the woman responds in a small rasp.
“Okay that’s good. Let’s check your memory. I hope it’s good because driving to the hospital in this storm wouldn’t be a good idea. Let’s start easy: What’s your name?”
“I don’t have memory trouble,” the woman protests with a pout.
“We need to be sure. What’s your name?”
“My name is Alex.”
“Come on I need a proper presentation,” Tobin smirks, trying to lighten up the mood.
The woman chuckles and extends her hand for Tobin to shake.
“My name is Alex. Alex Morgan.”
We all know that horrible feeling when we think we’ve missed a stair and that we’re going to fall down the entire staircase.
Tobin gets this feeling. Multiplied by a hundred.
Her stomach drops, her throats tightens and her breath gets caught in her lungs.
Every detail, every single one of them, is there.
The baby blue eyes, the brown hair, the raspy voice, the sweet smile, the pink suitcase, the flight from North Carolina to San Francisco.
The stranger is looking exactly like the character she has imagined. The person was quickly described on paper but Tobin’s had a clear image of her in her mind.
And this exact same image is sitting right beside her.
“Are you okay?”
Tobin snaps out of her thoughts. Her heart is pounding in her chest so loudly that a deaf man could hear it from across the street.
Trying to calm her crazy thoughts she clears her throat, hoping that her voice won’t betray her.
“I’m sorry. I’ve just realized that you kind of remind me of someone,'' Tobin breathes, taking the woman’s hand in hers and shaking it. "I’m Tobin Heath.”
“Nice to meet you Tobin Heath,” Alex smiles sweetly, letting her hand linger in Tobin's before letting go.
“Your hands are still cold. Do you want something to drink in order to warm you up?” Tobin asks, standing quickly.
“Hum yes, it would be great actually.”
“I’ll make you some tea.”
In the kitchen Tobin’s hands grips the countertop tightly, her knuckles turning so white you could think her bones are going to break as her thoughts races in her mind.
It is impossible.
There is no way that her character is sitting in her living room.
It is just a big coincidence.
Coincidences happen all the time.
Yes; it’s a big coincidence. A huge coincidence.
But there is no other explanation.
Who is she fooling?
There’s no way in hell that coincidences like this happen.
Fuck it.
Her hands leave the countertop to grip her hair and she shuts her eyes tightly.
She is dreaming.
That’s it!
The amount of Captain Morgan she consumed last night has to have consequences.
This is all a strange dream and when she’ll open her eyes she’ll wake her in her bed to an empty house.
Just a dream.
The kettle whistles breaking her hopes and Tobin curses under her breath. There is only one way to clear this out.
Two cups of tea in hand she makes her way to the living room.
“Thank you very much,” Alex wraps her cold fingers around the hot cup.
Tobin’s mind is running a thousand miles an hour and while the woman sips on her beverage she discretely grabs her sheets of paper and her pen.
Alex Morgan has a tiny birthmark in the shape of a circle on her left pinky.
Tobin closes her eyes and sends a quick prayer to God, begging for everything to be the biggest coincidence that will ever exist on earth before hiding her sheets under the coffee table.
She inhales deeply and finally finds the courage to glance at the woman on her right.
The delicate fingers wrapped around the cup are slim. They have short nails. There is no birthmark.
Tobin lets out a sigh of relief, all tension leaving her body.
“Thank you Tobin.”
The novelist lifts her eyes to meet ocean blue ones.
“I don’t know what I would have done without your help. I was really panicking and you managed to calm me down. You really helped me.”
“Anyone would have done the same,” Tobin’s humble side takes the stage.
“I’m not sure if there are a lot of people willing to let a complete stranger enter their house without questions and be as welcoming as you are. So please accept my gratitude.”
Tobin’s heart misses a bit at the smile that is offered to her.
She laughs when the smile stretches into an “o” shape when the brunette yawns.
“I’ll accept your gratitude if you take a quick nap. You look exhausted. We’ll figure out what happened to you when you wake up. And we’ll go to the hospital when the weather calms down.”
The only response she gets is a nod.
“Okay let me show you the guestroom.”
“Can I stay here please? I’m too tired to move,” the young woman whispers.
“Of course. I’ll let you sleep.”
Tobin gets up but a soft hand grabs hers, stopping her movements.
“Can you stay with me? I don’t wanna be alone.”
Brown eyes lose themselves in pleading blue ones and Tobin nods.
She intertwines her fingers with the brunette cold ones in a reassuring gesture and sits back on the couch.
“Sleep Alex, I’m right here.”
Alex smiles tiredly at her as a thank you while Tobin savors the way Alex’s name felt on her tongue.
She lies on the couch, her head on Tobin’s lap, and the novelist feels her breath even out in a matter of seconds.
Tobin allows her thoughts to wander as her eyes get lost in the wild ocean facing her behind her bay window.
After a few seconds she smiles, thinking back at her mini-heart attack when Alex introduced herself and chuckles at her own stupidity.
In what world fictional characters would be brought to life? She doesn’t know why she doubted in the first place. She doesn’t believe in magic or anything. It must have been a moment of weakness due to her lack of sleep.
The vibrations of her chuckle seem to disrupt Alex’s sleep for the young woman shifts.
“Shhh it’s okay,” Tobin soothingly whispers while stroking Alex’s hand with her thumb.
She mindlessly starts to draw patterns on the soft hand, noticing them finally warming up.
Alex unconsciously moves her hand when Tobin’s brush tickles her skin, exposing all her fingers to the novelist’s view.
Tobin gets that awful feeling again.
Where does that birthmark come from?
**
Tobin doesn’t know for how long she has been staring at the ocean. Her pulse hasn’t slow down since she spotted the circle mark on Alex’s hand.
The birthmark was not there in the first place; she would stake her life on it.
Alex turns around in her sleep and buries her face in Tobin’s stomach while her hand grabs a fitful of her shirt.
The beating heart of the novelist strangely slows down and she finally decides to face the situation.
Her character is here, sleeping on her lap. As much as she’d like to have an explanation, she does not. Coincidence can’t be this big and she confirmed it when she wrote about the birthmark and saw it appear on Alex’s finger.
What to do now? Tell someone?
People will think she is crazy. Alex will think she is crazy. She will have no choice then to write something about Alex and see it happen in order to prove her point. The story will spread in the whole world. She doesn’t want attention on her. And she doesn’t want attention on Alex either. The young woman has already suffered so much, she deserves some peace.
Tobin gulps loudly as realization hits her like a ton of bricks. If Alex has suffered it is only because of her. She wrote Alex’s life. She decided to make her character go through everything in order to build the plot of her book.
If Alex ever finds out she’ll hate Tobin with her every bone.
The novelist closes her eyes overwhelmed by her thoughts.
She feels herself drifting to sleep quickly but before falling into unconsciousness she makes a promise to herself.
She will find a way to send Alex back to her world, wherever that may be, and she will give her the best life she can think of.
**
A jolt makes Tobin open her eyes. The first think she notices is how dark her house is. The second thing she notices is the sound of heavy breaths.
She switches on the lamp beside her to discover Alex sitting straight with panicking eyes roaming the place.
“Alex you’re safe,” Tobin breathes slowly.
Startled by the voice Alex’s eyes find Tobin’s but her breathing does not slow down.
“You remember me? I helped you earlier. You fell asleep on my couch. Calm down, you’re okay.”
Alex stares at her for a few seconds before her eyes start to water.
“Tobin?” Her voice cracks.
“Yes it’s me. You’re okay,” Tobin cups her face and soothingly caresses her cheeks with her thumbs.
“I had this bad dream… And I woke up… And it was so dark…” Her shoulders relax a little under Tobin’s touch.
“I know, I’m sorry but I fell asleep too I didn’t realize it was already late. But it’s okay I’ve got you.”
Wrapping her arm around Alex’s shoulders the novelist brings the young woman in a hug. Alex buries her face into Tobin’s neck and the older woman rubs her back, she trying to her calm down. After a moment Tobin moves back a little and offers a warm smile at Alex.
“You good?”
“Yes thank you. I think I’m still a little bit shaken up by what happened earlier.”
“I get it. We’ll figure it out don’t worry, and everything will be good,” Tobin tries to reassures the young woman.
“I hope so,” Alex whispers, fidgeting with the blanket resting on her knees.
“But right now, I have some noodles leftovers that I can reheat if you’re hungry.”
“You don’t have to feed me. I mean, I already bother you so much today and you’ve been so kind even though you don’t know me. I can leave you alone,” Alex says, a blush coloring her cheeks as she stares at her fidgeting fingers, avoiding Tobin's eyes.
However her eyes shot up when the novelist’s laugh resonates in the room.
“You aren’t bothering me Alex. I don’t mind having you here. Plus, where would you go in this storm?”
Alex glances at the bay window and bites her bottom lip before wrapping herself more tightly in the blanket at the sight of the wild ocean and the pouring rain.
“Touché…” She mumbles and Tobin smiles.
“So noodles?”
The brunette looks at Tobin to see her smirk and she nods, a small smile dancing on her lips as well.
“Yeah noodles sound great.”
Tobin stands up to disappear in the kitchen and when she enters the room again her hands are gripping two steaming bowls. She puts them down on the table and sits Indian style next to Alex.
“Dinner is served my dear.”
Tobin wastes no time in taking her bowl in one hand and digging her forks into her noodles with the other. Alex chuckles at the sight before grabbing her bowl as well.
“So Tobin, what do you do besides helping complete strangers and inviting them into your house?”
Tobin slurps one stubborn noodle hanging from her mouth, making Alex giggle, before answering.
“I’m a writer.”
“Oh really? What do you write?” Alex’s eyes widen a little in surprise.
“Novels mostly. Well my novels are published, but I write some poems or short stories that I keep to myself,” Tobin shrugs.
“That is so cool. I’ve never met a novelist before.”
“Well we aren’t really different from other people,” Tobin smiles when Alex’s nose crunches at the noodles taste. “Sorry, I know they aren’t really good. My friend tried this new recipe yesterday but I’m not a big fan either.”
“It’s not bad… It’s hum different?” Alex states but it sounds more like a question.
Tobin laughs before continuing the conversation.
“And you, what do you do?”
She knows what Alex does. Alex just can’t know that.
“I got called by the US women national soccer team for next camp.”
“Wow that’s huge! So you’re about to become a professional soccer player?”
“I don’t know about that…” Alex whispers, playing with the rest of noodles in her bowl with her fork, a frown on her face.
“Why?” Tobin wonders, truly intrigued by Alex’s answer.
In her mind Alex ends up becoming the face of women soccer, but she’s never really thought of what her character could feel.
“I don’t know if I want to be a soccer player.”
Tobin’s eyebrows climb her forehead in surprise. She wasn’t expecting that.
“I mean I love the sport but I don’t think I wanna do it professionally. I’m more comfortable with the idea of coaching or something like that,” Alex finishes before starting to eat again.
“I see…”
Tobin is silent for a few minutes, letting Alex finish her dinner. Her eyes get lost into the ocean as she thinks. She only wrote a quick description of her character on paper; thinking she would elaborate everything in the actual chapters. But seeing Alex and listening to her makes her realize that the person sitting beside her is more than what she wrote. She is a living person with feelings, doubts, thoughts that Tobin didn’t plan.
Tobin closes her eyes briefly. Alex becoming more and more real only proves her that she’s right: She needs to send Alex back to her world before she finds out everything. She would suffer even more knowing the truth and Tobin doesn’t want her getting hurt again.
“You okay?”
Alex’s sweet wondering voice snaps Tobin out of her thoughts.
“Yes, everything is fine. You’re done?” The novelist asks while pointing to Alex’s bowl.
“Yes, thank you.”
“Okay, I’ll put everything in the dishwasher and then we can set the guest room for you.”
Tobin gathers their bowls and starts to make her way to the kitchen but a soft hand on her wrist stops her.
“Thank you for everything that you’re doing for me Tobin. I truly don’t know what I would have done without you.”
Tobin offers her small smile in return to Alex’s warm one.
“It’s the least I can do.” After everything I put you through.
In the safety of her kitchen walls she finally lets a single tear escape.
“If only you knew everything I’ve done to you.”
Pressing her forehead on the cold door of her fridge she tries her best to strangle her sobs.
“I’m sorry I gave you such a hard life Alex. I’m so sorry.”
**
When she comes back in her living room Alex is fast asleep on the couch again.
Tobin ignores the flutter of her heart at the sight.
“You had a rough day. Let’s get you to bed,” the novelist murmurs softly before sliding her arms under Alex’s knees and back and lifting her up gently.
Alex’s eyes flutter open for a short moment before she wraps her arms around Tobin and buries her face in her neck.
While climbing the stairs Tobin decides that it would be easier to tuck Alex in her already made bed and to set the guest room for herself. Walking her hallway she swiftly opens her bedroom door and switches on the light with her elbow.
She delicately puts Alex down on her bed and pulls the cover on her.
“I’ll be in the room next door if you need me,” Tobin murmurs and gets a soft hum as an answer.
She unconsciously leans in to kiss Alex’s forehead.
Her lips touch the young woman’s skin and everything goes black. Literally.
Tobin straightens up and curses under her breath.
“Fucking storm… Now I need to go to the circuit breaker downstairs…”
Tobin slowly starts to walk to the door, bumping into several objects on the way.
“Tobin?”
“Yeah?” The novelist is alerted by Alex’s scared voice. She really hopes the young girl isn’t about to have a panic attack again.
“I can’t see anything…” Her voice trembles.
“Yeah the circuit breaker must have tripped because of the storm. Once I reach it the power will be back on.”
Tobin pats the wall, searching for the door.
“Don’t go,” Alex’s voice cracks again.
“I won’t be long I promise. But I need the power for my fridge and everything.”
“Don’t leave me alone please…”
Tobin stops her movements at Alex’s desperate plea.
“It’s so dark…”
That’s when it hits Tobin. She remembers writing the words.
Alex has had a tough life. Her parents died when she was 6 in a car accident. Since then she’s been scared of the dark. The link between the two events is mysterious for the people close to her but that’s just the way she reacts.
Tobin curses herself.
Even her shutters are electric, so there’s no way to get any light in the house as she closed every one of them and she knows Alex will be too paralyzed by fear to walk downstairs with her. Climbing down the stairs in the dark with a frightened body in her arms would be too dangerous.
“I’m right here Alex,” Tobin quickly says in order to reassure the young woman.
This time she doesn’t bother to walk carefully in order to avoid any obstacle, she doesn’t care if she bumps her feet in something. She just needs to reach Alex.
Her knees finally hit the mattress and she climbs on the bed.
Her hands pat the bed to find Alex and when she softly hits her body a hand pulls her down on the bed.
Alex’s shaky breath hits Tobin’s neck and the novelist protectively wraps her arms around the young woman.
“I’m right here.”
**
Tobin wakes up with Alex launched on her side like a koala, the small ray of light peeking from the sides of the shutter allowing her to watch the peaceful face of the young woman.
The night was restless. Alex hadn’t stopped moving and jolting; woken up by bad dreams. Dreams linked to her parents’ deaths, Tobin assumes, for she had screamed their names a few times.
The novelist hasn’t slept a lot; too occupied calming the soccer player down by murmuring soothing words in her ear, or hating herself in her mind for giving Alex so much pain.
The forward had fallen in a deep slumber just a few hours ago when the sun started to rise, allowing Tobin to rest even for just a moment.
She carefully frees herself from Alex’s grasp, getting out of bed and climbing down the stair without a sound. The first thing she does is to fix the breaker circuit of her house, getting the power back on in order to open her shutters.
Tobin stays by herself for about an hour, trying to enjoy her tea and keeping herself from thinking about Alex and how awful she feels about the whole situation.
Soft footsteps on her wooden floor make her lift her eyes and she’s greeted by a sleepy Alex Morgan, dragging her feet and rubbing the sleep out of her eyes. The young woman takes a seat next to Tobin at the bar of the kitchen and offers a small, almost timid, smile to the novelist.
“Hi.”
“Hi Alex. How do you feel?” Tobin asks, genuinely concerned.
“I’m okay thank you.”
Tobin nods slowly studying Alex’s face, searching for any hint that the forward might be lying and actually be upset. When she doesn’t find any she smiles brightly at the brunette.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
“Hm… Do you have coffee?”
“No I don’t, I’m sorry…” Tobin scrunches her nose.
“You don’t like it?”
“No, not at all! But I have tea if you want?”
Alex laughs softly at Tobin’s disgusted face before nodding.
“I’ll have a tea then please. It would be my first morning without coffee in years!”
The novelist stands up to prepare Alex’s hot beverage. She’s standing on her toes, trying to grab a mug from her cabinet for Alex when the forward’s small voice makes her stop dead in her tracks.
“I’m sorry about last night.”
Tobin turns around, clutching her eyebrows together.
“Why are you sorry for?”
“For making you stay with me. For waking you up every hour of the night. For crying on you, probably ruining your shirt. I’m sorry,” Alex whispers sheepishly.
In two big steps Tobin is by Alex’s sides, gently lifting her chin in order to look at her in the eyes.
“Hey don’t worry, you don’t have to apologize. I get it. There’s nothing to apologize for,” she says, brushing a strand of hair out of Alex’s face.
“But you’ve know me for a day and I’ve already caused you so much trouble. I’m really sorry Tobin.”
“Well don’t be. You’re no trouble at all,” Tobin smiles reassuringly to the younger woman.
Alex opens her mouth to protest but the genuine smile on Tobin’s face stops her. Instead she smiles back at the novelist.
“Thank you.”
Tobin makes her way back to her cabinet, determined to finish Alex’s drink.
“There’s no need to thank me either.”
Only a few minutes later Alex is able to sip her tea, Tobin sitting next to her while watching the ocean behind her window.
“The storm calmed down during the night. We’re going to be able to take you to the hospital; check if everything is alright.”
Alex starts to tap her fingers on her mug, lowering her head and eyes.
“You don’t have to take me to the hospital… You’ve already done so much for me. I can call a taxi and go by myself.”
“Alex we’re over this. I’m going with you… Unless there is someone who can go with you, a family member or something.”
Deep down Tobin still hopes that Alex is going to smile and say “Oh yes, I have my parents who live in a little town half an hour away from here. I can call them”. She still hopes that Alex hasn’t gone through everything her Alex has gone through. She still hopes that life has a sense and that characters don’t walk through your door one day.
Her hopes are crushed once again when Alex’s eyes darken with sadness.
“No… No I don’t have anyone.”
It takes all Tobin’s strength not to curse or hit herself.
“Then I’m not letting you out of my sight until I’m sure you’re okay.”
“I’m okay…”
“I really want to be sure. I’m worried about you.”
Alex can’t help a small smile to stretch her lips at Tobin’s care.
“Alright, we’ll go.”
“Perfect. Do you need to shower?”
**
“I don’t understand.”
Sitting on the curb Alex drops her face in her hands. At her friend’s silence she lifts her eyes to look at her again.
“Can you find an explanation?”
Tobin is standing motionless next to her, eyes looking straight in front of her. The only proof that she is not a statue is her throat which moves slightly when she tries to swallow the lump blocked in it.
“No, I can’t.”
**
Everything was going perfectly well.
The drive to the hospital wasn’t awkward, both women getting to know each other better.
The doctor examining Alex was nothing but charming and nice. He only had good news; confirming that there was nothing wrong, that the short memory lost was probably due to the storm and Alex’s fears and trauma. He told Alex she just needed to rest for a few days and to come back if anything like that ever happened again.
Then it started to get worse.
Alex had offered to take Tobin for a drink to thank her for everything she had done for her. She had try to pay but her card was rejected.
After a few tries Tobin had told her she would take care of it and that Alex could repay her later.
In the car Alex had voiced her concern about her credit card and Tobin offered to go to her bank to signal the problem.
It got even worse.
The bank employee could not find Alex’s accounts.
He, and then his superiors, checked the credit card numerous times only to confirm each time that it couldn’t be a fake.
However, there was no trace of an Alex Morgan. None.
Alex had no money.
They advised Alex to go to the Police, report them the problem.
Tobin had driven straight to the Police station with an awfully pale Alex on her passenger seat.
There everything crashed down even more.
Even with an identity card, a driver license and a passport as proof that she was a citizen of the United States; there was no Alexandra Patricia Morgan registered.
Tobin knew she would have a bruise from how hard Alex clenched her arm to prevent herself from falling as her knees had weakened.
“What do you mean you can’t find me anywhere?”
“According to the data: You don’t exist.”
**
“Tobin, please say something.”
Alex’s sobs snap Tobin out of her paralysis.
Hesitantly she kneels in front of Alex, clenching her jaw at the watering panicking and lost blue eyes looking for support in her own brown eyes.
“They’re going to figure it out Alex. They saw you, they saw your papers; they can’t ignore that you exist. It’s just a gigantic bug in their data. They’ll found you again and you’ll have your money back, you’ll have your identity back.”
“What if they don’t find me?” Alex’s voice cracks.
Tobin gently brings her hands to the forward’s face, soothingly caressing her cheeks and wiping the tears off them.
“They’ll find you sweetheart.”
Alex closes her eyes and exhales loudly, trying to calm her sobs.
Tobin kisses the top of her head before pressing her forehead against Alex’s and closing her eyes too.
“They’ll find you.”
**
Tobin Heath is quiet. She has always been.
But Tobin Heath is also known for her capacity to say the right thing at the right time.
Today she can’t figure out what to say.
Her hands grips her wheel tightly, whitening her knuckles, while Alex wipes the few tears that won’t stop falling out of her eyes.
She is quiet but her mind is screaming.
Screaming that this is all her fault. Screaming that she needs to find a solution. Screaming that she needs to comfort Alex. Screaming that the girl next to her deserves so much better than the life she gave her.
There are only a few minutes left before they reach her house and she still doesn’t know what to do, what to say, or how to fix everything.
She presses her fingers on her right temple, trying to soothe the headache that decided to show up at the worst of time.
Tobin feels the cold fingers on her hand before she sees them. Alex’s fingers lace with hers and the squeeze she receives strangely relaxes her shoulders.
The red light gives her an excuse to look at the woman on the passenger seat.
Blue eyes still clouded with worry and incomprehension are looking right back at her.
“I’ll be okay Tobin. Don’t beat yourself up too hard.”
Her shoulders tense again.
She is supposed to be the one reassuring Alex. She is supposed to be the supportive one.
For the first time of her life Tobin feels useless.
And she doesn’t like it. Not for a second.
So, as she parks at her house she does what she always does when she is upset, worried or confused.
Alex doesn’t have the time to unbuckle her seatbelt that Tobin is already opening her door for her and grabbing her hand to drag her to the beach.
Tobin glances to Alex to see the confused expression on the forward’s face but she decides to stay silent until she figures out what she feels and what to say.
They walk until they’re as close to the ocean as they can get without getting wet.
Tobin sits and Alex follows her.
It’s calm.
Tobin had chosen this beach to buy her house because there aren’t too many people coming here. It makes her feel like she has her own private place.
It’s calm compared to Tobin’s thoughts.
But the more she stares at the peaceful ocean, the more she feels like she can breathe again.
It always has the same effect on her. Being close to the ocean always helps her clear her mind.
There is a shift next to her and her shoulder is brushed by another, reminding her that Alex is here.
Tobin Heath is quiet.
But when she says something she means it.
“I will take care of you.”
Her rasp is so soft she is afraid Alex didn’t hear her.
“I’m sorry what?”
Tobin licks her lips and turns her eyes to meet Alex’s.
“I will take care of you. For as long as you need my help I will be here. For as long as this unbelievable mess is going on I will be here. I’m not letting you in this alone.”
Her eyes shifts from looking into baby blue to look back at ocean blue and she lets the soft waves guide her again.
“I won’t let you down.”
The gentle strokes of Alex’s thumb remind her that she hasn’t let go of Alex’s hand since she dragged her out of her car.
There is a small kiss placed on her shoulder before Alex rests her head on it.
“I know you won’t.”
**
Living with Alex is easy and Tobin makes everything in her power to make Alex’s life with her easy as well.
Her first action is directly when they come back from the beach. Tobin immediately starts to search for the coffee maker her Grandmother had bought her as a house warming gift (even though Tobin had told her more than a million times since she was born that she didn’t like coffee). Under Alex’s puzzled gaze she pushes all items on her countertop to make space before running to her attic and coming back with the heavy machine in her arms.
“You don’t have to do that Tobin,” Alex protests, not able to hide her smirk as Tobin struggles to understand how the machine works.
“No it’s okay. If you’re gonna live here I want you to have everything you need.”
A full smile makes its way to Alex’s lips for the first time since the terrible news dropped.
It’s also the first time Tobin can’t ignore the jolts in her stomach.
The next days she does everything to keep Alex’s mind out of the mess she’s in.
Together they set the guest room for her. They clean up and old dresser Tobin had forgotten about and put it in Alex’s room.
Tobin laughs more that day than she has in a long time, going from a corner of a room to the other pushing the dresser according to Alex’s orders.
“No I think it was better there actually.”
“Never mind, it was definitely better next to the bed.”
“Okay put it back where it was before, I don’t like it here.”
The more days pass the more Tobin’s house feels alive. She has always loved her house, but since Alex’s been living with her she’s found herself loving it even more.
Maybe it’s the way Alex leaves her empty cup of coffee in the sink every morning, too lazy to put it in the dishwasher. Maybe it’s the way she’s got into the habit of picking up Tobin’s shoes after Tobin kicked them away in the middle of the hallway as she always does. Maybe it’s the way she hears Alex move in the next room keeping her from feeling alone. Or the way her house smell has changed, mixing a new fresh smell of vanilla with the former ocean smell.
It isn’t her house anymore. It’s already becoming their house.
If the days bring changes as they go, the same goes for the nights.
It starts with Alex coming with Tobin in her bedroom to watch TV one night before going back to her own room. The following night she slips under Tobin’s cover as they read, claiming she doesn’t like to stay alone when she’s awake, but goes back to her room again when Tobin’s eyes are too tired to stay open. It goes like this for a few nights, and Alex stays next to Tobin later in the night each time.
Until one night.
They’re watching a dumb movie when Tobin gets thirsty. She asks Alex if she wants water too, getting a small nod in return, before sliding out of bed to get their drinks. When she comes back she can’t muffle the soft laugh coming out of her lips. The only visible part of Alex’s body is the top of her head. Buried in Tobin’s cover, the soccer player is snoring lightly, already sleeping soundly. Tobin tip-toes to switch off the TV before sliding carefully next to Alex. She pushes the cover off Alex’s face and the younger woman’s nose scrunches as the light disturbs her sleep.
“Tobs the light…” Her hand flies in the air, searching for the switch, but lands on Tobin’s stomach.
“Oh yeah, I’m sorry,” Tobin apologizes in a whisper, quickly turning her lamp off.
She settles on her pillow, trying to calm her erratic heartbeat as Alex’s hand is still on her.
Tobin feels her shirt wrinkles and she realizes Alex is clutching it and has no intention to let her go.
“Goodnight Al’.”
As a response Alex moves closer to her, nuzzling her jaw, and hums softly.
Tobin doesn’t sleep alone from that night on.
So living with Alex is easy. Even easier as the days and nights go by.
The only problem is that the more days pass, the more Tobin forgets about her purpose.
For the first days of Alex living with her she spends hours facing her sheets of paper, trying to figure out a way of ending the mess she’s created.
But then Alex gets closer to her, and the time she spends with the younger woman is a time she doesn’t spend searching for a solution.
Soon her sheets of paper are almost forgotten, hided in a box in the kitchen.
The more she learns about the soccer player the more she forgets Alex is supposed to be a character she created. The sight of the young, funny, smart, gorgeous, talented woman makes it hard to believe she isn’t supposed to be real.
The day pass and Tobin forgets.
The day pass and Alex becomes a person.
**
The wakeup call comes two weeks later.
Tobin opens the front door for Alex as they come back from a run.
“Man I’m exhausted!”
“Can’t keep up with me Morgan?” Tobin winks as Alex plops down on the couch.
“Shut your mouth Heath, you and I both know who’s the best.”
“Whatever makes you sleep at night Al,” Tobin chuckles, kicking off her shoes.
“I think I’m going to take a nap right here right now,” the soccer player sighs closing her eyes.
“Okay, I’m going to take a shower because unlike you I’m not a gross person.”
“I’m going to pretend I didn’t hear you.”
Tobin laughs before making her way upstairs to her bathroom.
The hot water hits her back and she feels her muscles relax at the sensation. Her eyes close and she lets her thoughts wander freely.
The first think she thinks of is that she needs to buy milk.
This leads to think she needs to tell Alex it’s her turn to go to the grocery store.
And so she thinks about Alex.
Alex seems to be in all of her thoughts since she appeared on her doorstep.
First it was because Tobin was confused and scared by what was happening to her. Then it was because of her mission to find a solution. But those thoughts evolved into something else.
Now when she thinks about Alex she thinks of the way her eyes color shifts according to her mood. From sparkling blue when she laughs, to grey blue when she is sad or upset, ocean blue when she is calm and peaceful, or just the inexplicable blue when she opens her eyes for the first time in the morning, immediately searching for Tobin.
She thinks of the raspy voice echoing in the house calling Tobin’s name. How raspier it is in the morning when she greets the novelist with a small “mornin’ ”.
She thinks of intense soccer games, Fifa matches, Monop deal duels.
She thinks of loud laughs exchanged on the beach.
She thinks of deep talks murmuring late at night.
She thinks of soft hands brushing her arms.
She thinks of hot and steady breaths against her neck in the dark.
She thinks of her favorite person on earth.
Tobin slams her hand on her shower door.
“You can’t think like that Tobin,” she groans, gritting her teeth. “She has to go back. You can’t have her. Stop being selfish.”
The novelist stays under the water for a few extra minutes, getting all thoughts of Alex out of her mind. She is quick to step out of the shower, drying her body and sliding into fresh clothes.
Her loose T-shirt is just thrown over her head when a loud scream makes her jump.
It could be comical how quickly she hurtles down the stairs. However, she doesn’t have the chance to get to Alex as a furry figure tackles her to the grown. Long wet licks wet her cheeks and she laughs before pushing the dog away.
“Okay okay that’s enough Moses! I’ve missed you too,” Tobin strokes the excited German shepherd, forgetting about why she ran downstairs in the first place.
That is until Alex latches on her sides, pointing to someone sitting on the couch.
“Tobin there is a stranger in our house.”
Tobin can't find the strength to look at what Alex is showing her, she already knows who’s sitting on the couch. She only stares at the younger woman, a small smirk on her lips. “Our house.”
“Tobin, do something please,” Alex shakes her arm violently.
Tobin rolls her eyes before looking at the intruder. She’s greeted by a piece sign and impassible face.
“Yo.”
The novelist shakes her head and chuckles.
“You know Kelley; the spare key I gave you is just in case of emergency.”
“Well there was a stranger sleeping on your couch. I think it’s a pretty big emergency,” Kelley shrugs, pointing at Alex.
The soccer player scoffs before frowning when Tobin laughs.
“Excuse me I’m not a stranger! And who are you?”
“I’m Kelley,” Tobin’s friend state simply.
Alex’s fingers tighten around Tobin’s arm.
“Tobin who is this?” Alex hisses. “I woke up and she was staring at me, inches away from my face,” she continues, approaching her forefinger and thumb to emphasize how close Kelley was.
“Hm it’s Kelley, one of my best friends. Sorry about her she… She tends to do weird stuff like that, don’t pay attention to it,” Tobin rubs the back of her neck.
Alex turns back to the freckled woman on the couch and this time Kelley smiles brightly at her.
“Is this your girlfriend Toby?”
“Don’t call me that…” Tobin warns.
“Answer the question Toby.”
Tobin sighs before responding.
“No she’s not. This is Alex. She has some problems going on so I’m helping her and letting her stay here.”
Kelley shots up with a grin and walks to Alex, bringing her in a bear hug.
“Nice to meet you Alex. Tobin’s friends are my friends.”
“Sorry about that… You don’t want to be her friend,” Tobin whispers, earning a smack on her arm.
“So I take care of your dog and that’s how you thank me?” Kelley feigns offense and puts her hand over her heart.
“That’s your dog?” Alex asks, eyes sparkling at the sight of Moses.
As a clue Moses jumps on his hind legs and rests his paws on Tobin’s shoulders, licking her face again.
“Yes that’s my little, not so little anymore, puppy Moses. And I think he’s missed me as much as I missed him,” Tobin chuckles.
“Meh, he was pretty happy with my Mom,” Kelley shrugs.
“Moses?” Alex raises an amused eyebrow at Tobin who blushes a little.
“Yeah… When you throw a ball in the water and he runs to get it there’s water splashing on his sides… You know like he’s dividing the sea… So Moses…” Tobin rambles. “Don’t judge okay?” She eventually chuckles.
“I’m not judging!” Alex laughs before stroking the dog’s head. “So why was this big boy with Kelley?” She wonders.
“Kelley’s mom’s dog is actually his mother. So Karen took care of him when he was a small pup. From time to time when Kelley visits her she asks if he can come with her. She likes him a lot,” Tobin explains watching Alex pet her dog.
“Yeah yeah yeah, great story. I’m hungry though Tobs,” Kelley says and smiles innocently at her friend.
“Then go to the kitchen and make yourself a sandwich,” Tobin rolls her eyes.
“Okay, I see how you welcome a friend. I’ll remember that Tobin. I’ll remember,” Kelley states sternly before disappearing in the kitchen.
Tobin chuckles at her friend’s antics before joining Alex, who has sat on the ground to keep petting her dog.
“She’s something else,” Alex says while nodding to the kitchen with a smile.
“Yeah she is. But she grows on you. And she is a really good friend; I don’t know where I would be without her. She’s actually my agent,” Tobin responds, distractedly scratching Moses behind his ears.
“It must be cool, working with your friend.”
“Yes it is. She’s a huge help and she does her job really well. I wouldn’t have known success if it wasn’t for her hard work.”
The soccer player nods, impressed that the quirky brunette is actually a serious business woman.
“So you didn’t tell me you have a dog,” Alex winks.
“You didn’t ask,” Tobin shots back.
“He seems really sweet and loving.”
Tobin laughs and at the sound Moses turns his head toward her and licks her cheek. Alex bursts into laughter, rolling on her back.
“He is really loving indeed,” Tobin says, trying to stay composed but fails and laughs with Alex.
“Tobin, can you come please?” Kelley’s voice resonates from the kitchen.
The novelist frowns at the unusual serious voice of her friend.
“She must have broken something. I’ll be right back,” Tobin says to Alex who hums, busy with Moses.
“What’s wrong Kels?” Tobin wonders, entering the kitchen.
She stops dead in her tracks, color draining from her face, when she sees what Kelley is holding.
“I was looking for the sugar in the cabinet and I found this in a box. I saw the title so I thought it was the new novel you were telling me about a few weeks ago. I started to read and… Tobin what is this?”
Tobin clenches her jaw, unable to form words.
“Why are you writing Alex’s life?” Kelley tries again. “Because you’re obviously talking about the Alex who is in your living room, the description matches.”
“I’m not writing about her,” Tobin mumbles, fidgeting with the aim of her shirt.
“What do you mean? Tobs I read what you wrote. Why are you writing those things? It's kind of weird even for you.”
“I’m not writing about her… I wrote her.”
The silence in the room is heavy and Tobin feels the hair of the back of her neck raise at the uneasy atmosphere.
“What? Tobs you don’t make any sense.”
Tobin sighs loudly, passing her hand on her face, before sitting on a stool at her kitchen bar and mentioning Kelley to sit next to her.
She offloads everything. As the story goes on she can’t help but feel like a mad person, but she also can’t help but feel relieved as she finally voices everything that’s been going on in her head.
“So you’re saying that Alex comes from your notes?” Kelley slowly says.
“Yes.”
“Tobs that’s insane.”
“I know. I know Kel. But that’s the only explanation. Everything coincides: her name, her childhood, her physique. And it also explains why she doesn’t appear in the Police’s data or in her bank’s.”
Kelley stares at her for a few seconds, realization sinking behind her eyes.
“Dude that’s so fucked up,” she breathes.
“Don’t tell me.”
“What are you going to do?”
“I’ve got to find her way to send her back. She doesn’t belong in this world, she can’t be happy here. And imagine if she finds out that she comes from someone’s imagination. It’s like telling you that you don’t truly exist. I can’t hurt her like that. And I can’t have her hate me. If she discovers that I wrote her life she’s going to hate me for all the pain I put her through.”
Tobin grips her hair tightly in both hands, elbows on the bar.
“I can’t have her hate me Kels. I really can’t.”
Kelley caresses her friend’s back in a soothing gesture.
“Do you know how to send her back?” She wonders.
“I guess I have to write it. That’s how everything happened in the first place, when I wrote.”
“Why haven’t you done it yet?” Kelley frowns, confused.
“I’m afraid it’s not gonna work and hurt her instead, or worse. Imagine if I write something and it kills her instead of sending her back. And I…” Tobin cuts herself, looking away.
“You what?”
When Tobin looks into Kelley’s eyes again hers are filled with tears.
“It’s hard to let her go.”
Kelley’s eyes widen a little and she opens and closes her mouths, at loss of words.
“I’m being selfish and foolish, but I can’t find the strength to do it. It’s easy to forget everything when I’m by her side.”
Kelley nods understandingly before voicing in a simple sentence what Tobin is trying to tell her.
“You have feelings for her.”
Tobin only nods.
“I’m sorry to say that Tobs, but you’re right; you have to send her back. It’s too dangerous for her to stay. You don’t know what will happen; maybe someday she will have vanished inexplicably. This whole thing is so insane and you don’t know how it works. You have to send her back and quick, before you develop more feelings. The more you postpone it the harder it will be.”
“I know. But like I said I’m being selfish,” Tobin says sheepishly, fidgeting with her shirt.
“I’m not blaming you.”
“But you still think that I have to send her back…” Tobin sadly looks at her friend, knowing she will always tell her the truth.
“You know it’s the best thing to do too Tobin.”
The novelist nods slowly, a tear escaping her brown eye.
“Everything is alright guys? You’ve been here for a moment now.”
Alex‘s voice behind them startles both friends but they’re quick to pretend the conversation they’ve just had never happened.
Tobin wipes her tear before turning on her stool to look at Alex with the best smile she can offer.
“Just catching up. We were thinking about going out for dinner. You’re down?”
Alex’s excited response makes her heart skip a beat.
A few hours. Tobin thinks. I’m giving myself a few hours and then I’ll set her free.
**
“You want to go on a walk on the beach with me?”
At the raspy words Tobin lifts her head on nods.
Since they went out with Kelley all she can think of is “This is probably the last time…”
This is probably the last time she laughs at one of my stupid jokes.
This is probably the last time she wrinkles her nose at me when I eat something she finds disgusting.
This is probably the last time she hugs me.
This is probably the last time she laces her fingers with mine.
Tobin welcomes the coldness of the younger woman’s fingers.
“Your hands are always so cold,” she whispers.
“It’s because you’re supposed to warm them up,” Alex winks playfully, tugging on Tobin's hand to bring her closer.
They walk in silence, enjoying the calming sound of the waves.
Tobin feels a tug on her hand when Alex suddenly seats on the sand. The novelist takes place next to her and Alex moves closer to rest her head on her shoulder.
“You know… even though I wish it could have been under other circumstances, I’m so grateful that I met you,” Alex’s whisper is barely louder than the waves.
Tobin closes her eyes, letting Alex’s voice sink in her veins, trying to keep a clear memory for when Alex won’t be here anymore.
“I’m grateful too. I thank God every day for giving me the chance to meet you.”
Alex sits up to look at Tobin but the novelist keeps her eyes shut.
“You do?”
“Of course I do.”
When Tobin opens her eyes again Alex is staring at her lips.
Blue orbs flutter between brown ones and full lips and after a few seconds Alex starts to lean in.
Tobin stands up.
“I’m going to get a beer. Do you want one?”
Tobin tries to ignore the way her heart cracks at the hurt in Alex’s eyes when she nods.
The novelist starts to walk towards her house but turns around again.
She needs to say goodbye.
“Hey Al’?”
Alex turns her head to look at the novelist.
“Yeah?”
“You are the most important person in my life.”
Her heart’s crack heals at the sight of Alex’s blinding smile. The younger woman open her mouth to respond but Tobin doesn’t let her the chance to.
“And I’m sorry.”
Alex’s smile falls a little and a slight frown appears on her face.
“What are you sorry for?”
Tobin shakes her head.
“You don’t really need to know. Just know that I am sorry and that...”
Tobin swallows the lump in her throat. It’s her only chance.
“I love you.”
She doesn’t realize how fast she walked to her house, she doesn’t know how she found her sheets of paper with her vision blurred by tears, she doesn’t know why she’s decided to seat at her desk when it’s the last place she’s used to write.
Tobin wipes her eyes.
She has to write.
She has to.
Closing her eyes she allows herself to remember Alex one last time.
Her eyes, her smile, her laugh, her smell, her grip, her caresses, her love, her talent, her jokes.
She remembers her face, illuminated when she laughs, darkened when she is upset, confused on the beach when the three little words slided softly out of Tobin’s mouth.
Brown eyes opens again, a tear falls on her sheet.
Outside blue eyes open and look up at the sky, a drop falls on Alex’s shoulders.
“Do it Tobin.”
She grips her pen, almost breaking it in two.
“Fucking do it.”
For the first time in her life the familiar scratch of her pen makes her want to vomit.
Alex Morgan is
“What are you doing?”