A Beginning
They were half-naked before they even left the kitchen; t-shirts and jeans littered the floor and counter and Dean was a second away from finally getting his hand into Cas' underwear when the man gasped against his mouth: "bed."
Dean stopped and pulled away for a second to look at the flushed face of the man before him. They were both breathing heavily and Dean imagined he looked much like Cas did right at that moment: lips red, swollen and glistening, chest heaving as he panted, and eyes dark with long-held desire. Dean nearly ground out a "No" and pulled Cas back into his arms, but when he saw the grin spreading across Cas' face he was suddenly stunned by the man's beauty, and realised that he didn't want his first time with Cas to be quick and dirty on the kitchen floor - as appealing as that sounded. So, instead, he stepped back, grabbing the other man's hand, and pulled him with a growl out of the room and through the apartment to his bedroom.
They were barely through the door when Cas attacked him. Dean hadn't even managed to kick the door shut before Castiel grabbed him and all but threw him on the bed. Dean grinned, thinking that this was definitely a side to Cas that he could really get used to. He looked up from his position scrawled across the bed and raised an eyebrow.
"You feeling a bit eager, Cas?"
"Shut up, Dean," was his only reply before the nurse was crawling over him, until their lips were glued back together.
"Please, Cas," Dean found himself whispering, but Cas just growled and kept kissing him. Dean moaned as Cas sucked gently on his tongue and then pulled away.
"Something you wanted, Dean?" Cas asked with the most innocent expression Dean had ever seen on a grown man.
He reached up and gripped Cas' hips where they hovered infuriatingly above his own and pulled him down so that their groins were pressed together in a way that they both found to be infinitely agreeable.
"Jesus, Cas. I want you so much," Dean groaned.
"Please, Dean, please," Cas panted into his mouth as they continued to grind together, tongues battling furiously as they poured all their lust into a kiss.
"What do you want?" Dean managed to gasp, desperately trying to hold back an orgasm that was already threatening to build. His thoughts were heading in one very definite direction, but he would take his guidance from Cas on this.
"Everything, Dean," Cas answered. "Do you have, uh, what we need?"
Castiel had pulled away to ask his question and Dean gazed at him, thinking he had never looked so attractive as he did right in that moment. He groaned and reached over to his bedside cabinet, opening the top drawer and groping around until he found what he was looking for, which would have been much easier if Cas hadn't melded their lips together once again as Dean had tried to move. He brought his hand back and dropped the lube and the condom on the bed before taking Cas' face in his hands and kissing him gently.
"Are you sure?"
Castiel was having an internal war with himself, but currently his heart was winning hands down. He had never wanted anything so much as he wanted Dean right now, and for once he was going to let himself have what he wanted. Damn the consequences. They were for another time.
In answer to Dean's question, he reached out and took the lube from on top of the comforter, and opened the bottle. He sat up so that he was straddling Dean's hips, smirking when he ground his hips down and it made the other man throw his head back and moan.
"I think we might be a little overdressed for this," he observed quietly, giving his hips another roll for good measure. Dean's response was a frantic scrabbling to remove both his own and Cas' underwear, before pulling Cas back on top of him so that he was sitting back over his hips.
Cas found himself laughing at Dean's frantic movements, echoed by the firefighter himself, which gave him pause for a second. He couldn't remember enjoying himself in this way, or quite so much, during sex before. He smiled gently at Dean, who promptly wiggled beneath him.
"Come on, Cas," Dean whined and wiggled his eyebrows. "You've got the lube, are you going to do something with it or...oh!"
Dean's words caught in his throat as Cas' hand finally wrapped around the part of him that had been begging to be touched and squeezed gently.
"Hush, Dean," Castiel leaned forward and trailed kisses all over his face before capturing his lips once more. "All in good time, babe."
Good time is exactly what it took, and what it was, as the two men stayed in bed, naked and touching in every way they could think of for the rest of the day. And when they finally left the bed, it was for a shower – that they ended up finishing back in bed, when Dean decided it was his turn to ride. By the end of the day they were both exhausted, and sated, and wrapped up together as they spooned, each man thinking about how this could turn out to be everything they had been looking for, but each too scared to voice those thoughts aloud.
~~~
Cas was actually enjoying himself. For six weeks he and Dean and been meeting secretly, hooking up whenever they could, and torturing themselves on nights in or out with their friends by staring at each other and thinking about the things they could be doing if nobody else was around, and he was loving it. The ominous feelings that crept in when he was alone were easily dampened by a quick phone call or some sexting, and Cas was doing everything he could to keep those thoughts away. So far so good.
Right now, Castiel was sitting at Dean's kitchen table, grinning at the other man's excitement as he planned what was apparently an annual 4th of July barbecue. The enthusiasm was rolling of off him in waves and Cas couldn't help but be caught up in his excitement.
"Have I missed anything, Cas?" Dean was squinting at the list in front of him, which Castiel was vaguely sure involved food, but he looked up when his question didn't get a reply. He furrowed his brow in confusion at the dopey grin on the other man's face. "What?"
"Just you."
"What about me?"
God, Dean was adorable when he pouted.
"Do you always get this excited about July 4th? There's still a month to go."
Dean stared at him in mock horror. "There's pie, Cas. I'm organising burgers and pie! What's not to get excited about?"
Castiel laughed. "I don't think I've seen you quite this excited about anything before."
Dean wiggled his eyebrows at him. "Now that's not quite true, is it?" He leaned forward and kissed Castiel, and as always what started out as a chaste meeting of lips soon heated and escalated and Cas found himself with a lap full of a very eager Dean.
"We don't have time, Dean. We're both working this afternoon."
"Please. baby?" Dean continued to kiss Cas, while trying to pout at the same time. Castiel was laughing as he pushed him off.
"Later, Dean," he stood up and gave Dean's pout a quick peck then moved to refill his coffee cup. Arms quickly snaked around behind him.
"You coming over after shift in the morning?" Dean murmured in his ear.
"I finish first tomorrow, remember. I'll leave the door open for you."
They stayed there for several moments; Cas drinking his coffee with Dean wrapped around him, chin on his shoulder and their heads nestled together. Castiel's thoughts started to waver into ominous territory, so he broke the silence.
"Are you going to feed me some lunch before I go and get ready for work? I did work up quite an appetite this morning."
"And I am more than grateful for it, baby." Dean pressed a quick kiss to the side of this head then broke away to head for the fridge. That was better. Moments of perfect affection and quiet contemplation were Castiel's emotional downfall, and he needed to avoid them where he could.
The month in the run up to Dean’s barbecue continued much as the previous one had done. Dean and Cas continued their relationship, and continued to ignore any sadness they felt at keeping it hidden. Charlie had commented on one occasion to Castiel that Dean had seemed rather chipper lately, and hadn’t been flirting so much with the nurses, which had led to a slight argument as Cas had insisted that Dean restart this behaviour to waylay anymore suspicion.
Reluctantly, he had agreed, and Cas hated every minute of it.
The night at The Roadhouse when Lisa turned up was their worst argument. They had come to an uneasy truce with the flirting, which basically involved a whole lot of grumpiness from Cas every time it happened in front of him, followed by a whole lot of rough, apology-sex when they were finally alone. The Roadhouse incident, however, ended up being a bit different.
Dean and Castiel had been volunteered by their group to head to the bar for the next round of drinks, and this was the moment that Lisa appeared.
"Hi, Dean," a chipper voice announced behind them.
Dean groaned quietly, while Cas glanced over his shoulder at the intrusion, and turned to face his ex-girlfriend.
"Lisa," he said, nodding at her.
"How are you, Dean?"
"Fine, thanks." He wasn't going to ask her anything, as he didn't want to start a conversation. She was clearly drunk. and was looking at him with what she thought was her seductive face, and Cas had already tensed at the tone of her voice as she simpered at him.
"So, uh, you having your barbecue in a couple of weeks?"
"Sure. On the 4th this year. Got the day off."
"Wow, that's great. Last year kinda sucked, with you working and all. But we made up for it, didn't we?"
She actually winked at him. Ugh. He could hear Cas behind him, ordering their drinks.
"Did you want something, Lisa?" he sighed.
"Oh. Well, I just haven't seen you in a while, you know? I thought maybe we could have a drink, catch up, maybe see where the evening takes us?"
"Lisa..." he started, but was interrupted by Castiel spinning around beside him and reaching out his hand to her.
"Hi, I'm Castiel. I don't think we've met."
"Sorry, Lisa this is Cas, Cas this is Lisa, she's...uh", he trailed off. Had he even told Cas about Lisa?
"We went out, for a long time, didn't we Dean?" she took a small step closer to him, which made Dean lean back a little into the bar behind him.
"So, ex-girlfriend then?" Cas said smartly, a barely noticeable emphasis on the 'ex'.
"Well, for now!" she winked at Dean again and he cringed. What the hell was this chick's problem.
"For always, Lisa. We've been through this."
She actually laughed. Dean could practically feel the frown that was sure to be taking over Cas' face. "Oh, Dean. You always tell yourself that, and yet we always hook up again. It won't ever be over, Dean. Not really."
Was she insane? Dean was starting to believe so. Christ, what was he supposed to do now? He almost winced at how pissed Cas was going to try and hide he was after this. "I'm seeing someone," he blurted in a panic. Castiel stiffened completely beside him.
Lisa blinked. "No, you're not."
Shit, shit shit. The easiest thing to do would be to tell her it was Cas and sling his arm around the guy, but that was definitely not going to be allowed. Not if he wanted to ever have sex with Cas again, and hell, he wanted to.
“Is it serious?” Lisa was asking, her denial evidently forgotten.
“Um, pretty serious, yeah.”
“Anyone I know?” Lisa asked.
Say no, Dean. Say No! His brain was screaming at him; but when had Dean Winchester ever listened to his reasonable side?
“Meg,” he blurted. Oh. Shit.
The answer seemed to deflate Lisa a little, and less than a minute later she had left them in peace. Cas was standing beside Dean, holding a tray of drinks (when had they arrived?), but saying nothing.
“Phew,” was all Dean could think to say.
“If you say so, Dean,” Cas replied stiffly, before moving away with the drinks towards where their friends were waiting on them. Including Meg. Dean winced. Something told him the rest of this night wasn’t going to be fun.
Castiel was trying very hard to be reasonable. Dean was clearly awkward around the disturbing clinginess of his ex, and telling her he was in a relationship seemed to have done the trick, certainly. He only wished that Dean had thought through the consequences of claiming to be in a relationship with Meg, of all people, who was a bigger flirt than he was, and had immediately found the whole thing hilarious, and made Castiel switch seats with her so that she could latch onto his arm and play the part of the doting girlfriend.
Cas had no reason to refuse her, and now he was utterly miserable. The only saving grace was that he hadn’t named Anna. He didn’t think he’d have been able to cope with that.
They were a few drinks into their evening, and Dean, of course, was being the flirt he was expected to be. Except this time, he was being flirted with in return, by an increasingly drunk Meg who had commented to Castiel on a number of occasions about just how attractive she found the firefighter. Cas was trying not to scowl every time she squeezed his arm.
Charlie was a Godsend. She was chatting with him about Harry Potter, and was so caught up in it that he was managing to focus on her quite well. Until he heard the following statement.
“Dean, your ex has gone past the table about ten times in the last hour. Either her bladder is fucked, or she’s checking up your story, man.”
God damn you, Benny! Cas wanted to yell. His eyes immediately shot to where Dean and Meg were sitting, and the sly look on Meg’s face made his stomach sink to his boots.
“Let’s just get out of here guys,” Dean started to move as if to stand, and the others started following suit. Dean caught Cas’ eye and gave him a reassuring smile while everyone was shuffling their way out from the table. Cas smiled back in relief. He wasn’t going to have to watch Meg do something stupid.
Then, of course, Lisa strolled into Cas’ eye line, and Meg and Dean caught sight of her too.
“Come on, babe, let’s go back to my place,” she said loudly, then before Castiel had time to brace himself, she had grabbed Dean’s face and planted an extremely passionate kiss on him.
Which he started to reciprocate after just a couple of seconds.
“Ew!” Charlie said. “Save it, guys!” She looked at Cas as if he was expected to join in her complaint, but his heart was breaking just a little, and he couldn’t say a thing.
A few moments later, the nightmare kiss ended, but Cas had already turned and walked towards the door, trying to piece his sanity back together as he went. He reached the doors and just kept walking. His apartment was just a few streets away, and he just needed to leave. He heard Charlie and a few others voices shouting a goodbye to him, and he just raised a hand above his head in acknowledgement. He could be an awkward guy; nobody would think anything weird about it.
“Cas! Cas, wait up!”
He heard Dean’s footsteps pounding up the street behind him. He closed his eyes. He didn’t want to do this. He didn’t want to argue with Dean about it; he knew their situation was his fault. Although Dean had created the Meg situation entirely on his own.
“Come on, man,” Dean called, almost caught up now. “I’m sorry, Cas. She just grabbed me…”
Cas sighed when Dean grabbed his arm and made him stop walking. “Cas, look at me. You’re not mad at me, are you? It would’ve looked worse if I hadn’t, I’m sorry.”
Castiel didn’t know what to say, so he didn’t say anything.
“Cas, come on,” Dean said, threads of anger creeping into his voice. “What the fuck did you expect me to do?”
“You didn’t have to tell her you were in a relationship at all, Dean. Let alone allow things to go so far with Meg.”
“I had to get rid of her Cas, you don’t know what she’s like.”
“And Meg?”
Dean threw up his hands in frustration. “Just the first name I thought of! No, actually, fuck that. The second name I thought of. Yours was the first Cas, and then I could have just owned up to the relationship I’m actually supposed to be in, but I’m not allowed to do that, am I?”
“Dean, I explained…”
“No, Cas. You didn’t explain anything. You never have. You don’t trust me enough to tell me what’s going on, yet I’m supposed to live with it?”
Now Cas was getting angry himself. “I told you, Dean, that this was a bad idea. You were the one that pushed me to do this, don’t you remember? I told you this wouldn’t end well. That you would be miserable.”
“Is that what this is, Cas? The end?” Dean asked quietly, his eyes sad but his face still showing his angry frustration.
“I, I don’t know, Dean. I don’t know how long we can keep doing this.”
“Then let’s not! Let’s just tell people the truth; that we’re together, that we l…like each other a whole lot. Nothing bad is going to happen!”
Castiel stared at Dean in utter dismay. The man deserved honestly from him, but he couldn’t give him it. He was riddled with fear about it, and he didn’t see how to change it.
“I can’t, Dean. I’m sorry,” he whispered eventually.
“Can’t what? Be honest with me?” Dean scoffed.
“Can’t do this to you, not anymore,” Cas’ voice cracked and his eyes filled with tears as he watched Dean come to understand what he was saying. “You deserve more than this, and I can’t do it. You won’t survive this way, and neither will I. I can’t watch you flirt, and I can’t watch you do things like tonight with Meg. It wasn’t your fault Dean, but it hurts, a lot, and I know I’m hurting you more. I’m sorry.”
He waited for a few moments for Dean to speak, and felt his heart wrench when he finally did. “You’re hurting me now, Cas. Don’t do this.”
“I have to, Dean. You have to be free to be in a proper relationship. You need to be able to flirt with people with some possibility of an outcome.”
Dean raised his hands to cup Cas’ face. “Fuck the flirting, Cas,” he growled. “I fucking hate it. I only did it because you insisted I act like my old self. How can you think I want to flirt with anyone, when all I can think about is you?”
“I’m sorry,” Cas whispered, the tears falling freely when Dean started pressing kisses to his face. After a few moments he pulled himself together enough to pull himself out of Dean’s arms. “I’m sorry,” he said again, then turned and walked away before he could see what his words did to Dean.
He was grateful when Dean didn’t follow him, or call after him. He had hurt him, he knew that, but now he had to cling on to the knowledge that he could hurt Dean a lot more if he let things carry on much longer. Before Dean had the chance to feel the way he already did.
Tears still decorating his cheeks, Castiel squared his shoulders and quickened his pace, walking towards home, and away from the man he had fallen completely in love with.