The End?
It wasn't pleasant, waking up. It didn't take a few minutes for the truth to sink in; instead it hit Dean like a ton of bricks as soon as his eyes popped open. And he was angry.
He didn't move from his position, with his face squashed against the cushions of his couch, but he did drop one hand to the floor and scrabble for his phone, lifting it to glance briefly at it and throw it with a growl out of his reach.
Still nothing.
He'd called Cas, over and over, leaving message after message, and still nothing.
At first he had stood there dumbly, watching Cas walk away from him, and when he had come to his senses the other man was already out of sight. He had run to catch up with him, but he wasn't to be seen anywhere. That was the first time he had called.
"Cas, Cas answer your phone, please! I need to speak to you, man. I just...answer your phone."
It and the next dozen or so messages had gone ignored. By the time Dean had reached his apartment his emotions were swirling dangerously, and the last few messages probably betrayed the fact that he didn't know what to feel, but a mix of devastation and anger were warring within him. He couldn't be sure; he couldn't remember what he had said in those last messages.
Eventually he had collapsed onto his couch, dropping his useless fucking phone beside him, and let his emotions and his confusion battle it out until he fell asleep.
Moving from his place on the couch now didn't seem in any way attractive, and with his tired brain ticking over everything so vividly, Dean resigned himself to the onslaught of emotions and let himself think.
He still couldn't explain this weird connection he'd felt with Cas, so quickly. Even months of fooling around and exploring this hidden relationship couldn't help him understand it. It was just there. It had been from the second Dean had looked into those beautiful blue eyes, and had cemented in his mind the first time he had seen the barest hint of hurt in them. The night of Cas' revelation about his past, about his bastard stepfather and the horrific childhood he had endured, was one that Dean would never forget. He couldn't possibly lose the memory of the horror and pain he had experienced himself as Castiel had relived his own, and he would never want to lose any of the moments he had held Cas in the aftermath.
Christ, he was sounding like a damned teenage girl.
Fuck it.
He let his mind rake over their few months together, trying to work out what he could have done differently the night before, what he could have said to avoid this. To stop Castiel from thinking that ripping Dean’s heart out was the only way forward.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Castiel called in sick. For three days nobody heard from him other than the HR department at the hospital, and by the time Charlie battered his front door until he dragged himself to answer it he was an absolute mess.
“Castiel, you open this goddamn door right now, or so help me I will hex you!” Charlie was in the middle of yelling when the door was thrown open and a dishevelled, unshaven, scowling nurse stood staring at her.
“Jesus, Cas. What the hell happened to you?”
Before the sentence was even finished, she had brushed past him and into the apartment. She stood surveying the darkened living room with a wrinkled nose. Castiel stopped in the doorway and leaned against the jamb, his arms wrapped around himself as he glared at his bare feet.
“What do you want, Charlie?” his voice croaked with disuse.
“Oh, Cas,” he heard softly, and then two arms were wrapped around him. He stiffened, refusing to give in. “What happened?”
“Nothing,” he whispered, his folded arms acting as a barrier between them. “I’m sick.”
“Don’t bullshit me, Castiel,” Charlie lifted her head from his shoulder and glared at him, arm still around his middle. “Is this about Dean?”
Castiel froze, panic assaulting him. Had Dean told her? “Why would Dean have anything to do with me being sick?”
Charlie released her hold on him, and smacked him on the arm. “You’re not sick, Castiel. I know you’re not. When you had flu a few weeks after you arrived you wouldn’t go home until you nearly collapsed! So stop with the bull, and tell me what’s wrong.”
“What did Dean…?”
“Dean never told me a thing, but it’s not hard to put it together, Cas. You liked him, he was crazy about you, you’ve both been happy lately, then three days ago you phone in sick and Dean keeps avoiding the main desk every time he’s in visiting. So tell me, what the fuck is going on?”
“He’s not crazy about me, Charlie. It’s not like that.”
Charlie snorted. “Cas, that man has been Lady Gaga about you since he met you.”
Castiel looked at her, eyes wide and stricken. “No, Charlie. It was just a bit of fun, that’s all he wanted. I know it.”
Charlie took hold of his shoulders and looked at him, her face full of concern. “Cas, what happened?” She felt her eyes well as she watched his face crumple. “Oh, Cas.”
Castiel let himself be pulled into a tight hug, and let the tears flow. He didn’t think he could have any left after the last days since he had left Dean at the side of the road, but apparently there were still enough to sob a wet patch into Charlie’s t-shirt as she manoeuvred them to the couch and sat down, pulling him into her arms as she sat back. It was several minutes before he could speak.
“Just a few months, Charlie,” he mumbled as he pulled away and sat up, his tears finally stopped. “That’s all it was, a few months of fooling around, keeping it secret. It’s done. That’s all it was.”
“Somehow I don’t think what you were doing was fooling around.”
“It has to be, Charlie. It doesn’t matter what I feel, felt, for Dean. It was fooling around for him. Nothing more. And that’s as it should be. That’s why I had to finish it.”
Charlie watched sadly as her friend tried to convince himself that there were no feelings involved in this fling, at least on Dean’s side. She knew, of course, that Dean’s heart was breaking, and it looked like Castiel’s was too.
“Cas, I don’t get it. Why did you end it? And why was it a secret in the first place?”
Castiel was on his feet again, pacing back and forth. “I was holding him back, Charlie. While he was with me, he couldn’t have anyone else. He deserves better. He deserves to find love.”
“And what if he had?”
“Please, don’t say that! He doesn’t love me, Charlie. He can’t.”
Charlie stayed silent for a few moments, before speaking quietly. “And you?”
“I can’t have love, Charlie. Not ever.”
“But why not, Cas?” Charlie stood, throwing her arms up in frustration. “Why don’t you deserve to be happy?”
“It’s not about deserving it, Charlie! It’s about trusting it!”
The both stood in shocked silence at Castiel’s outburst.
“What the hell happened to you, Cas?”
He sighed. “Michael. Michael happened.” And then he sat back down, put his head in his hands, and talked about it for the very first time.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Dean?”
“Hey, Sammy.”
“What’s wrong?”
“What? I can’t just call you up to talk anymore?”
Sam sighed down the phone. “I can hear it in your voice, Dean. What’s wrong?”
“Nothing, Sammy. I’m fine.”
“Dean…talk to me, come on.”
Dean played with his keys for a moment, then sank back into his couch with a sigh. “Sammy, I…”
After a moment or two of silence it became clear that Dean had no idea how to begin. Luckily, Sam seemed to. “Is this about Cas?” he asked quietly.
“What…what do you mean?”
“Dean, you’ve been talking about the guy non-stop for months. It’s pretty obvious you have feelings for the guy.”
“I…but…”
“What happened, Dean? Did he meet someone?”
To his horror, Dean felt a lump well up in his throat and tears began to blur his eyes. Shit. He was on shift tonight; he really had to pull his shit together.
“Dean?”
“Sam…Sammy…” he couldn’t stop the slight crack in his voice.
“Shit, Dean. Are you ok? Do you need me to fly out there? I’ve got some vacation time, man, I can be there tomorrow.”
“Sam!” Dean interrupted him, a watery smile on his face at the concern his little brother was sending down the phone in waves. “Sam, it’s ok. Just…let me tell you about it, alright?”
“I’m all ears,” Sam sounded nervous. Dean could only imagine what was going through his head.
“You don’t have to come here or anything, I just needed to talk to you.”
“Wow, Dean. You haven’t needed to talk to me about personal shit since…I don’t know when.”
“Sam…”
“So, it’s about Cas?”
Dean sighed. It was now or never. “Yeah, Sam. It’s about Cas. I…we…a few months Sammy, that’s all, and I couldn’t tell anybody, and, shit, he’s been through so much, and I couldn’t push him, but then he wanted me to act normally, and then Lisa…and then I had to get rid of her Sam, I had to. I couldn’t tell her what I wanted, so I lied, and then he got hurt, and then he told me, told me to…to…”
“Dean, you have to slow down, man. I have no idea what you’re telling me.”
“I…I just…,” Dean sighed as the lump came back and the tears welled up once more. “I love him, Sam. And he doesn’t love me back.”
A moment of silence, and then Sam’s whispered voice appeared as the first tear rolled down Dean’s cheek.
“Dean. I’m so, so, sorry.”
Dean didn’t know what to do, so he hung up the phone. And cried, for what he swore was the last time.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Charlie had been watching out for Dean’s arrival at the hospital for her whole shift, but apparently yet again he had snuck in another entrance to see his dad, because she didn’t see him before his 24 hour shift started, or during the night when the rest of his team came in with a firefighter with a broken leg. This was why she found herself heading the firestation after her nightshift, instead of home to put on her Gryffindor PJs and get some much-needed sleep.
“Hello? Anyone about?” she called as she stepped into the open garage beside the trucks. She knew that Dean would either be at breakfast, or messing around with the trucks if he was trying to avoid everyone. She heard a tool hit the floor. Bingo!
“Charlie? What the hell are you doing here?”
When Dean appeared round the side of a truck, wiping his hands on an oily rag, she started walking towards him, wagging her finger sternly.
“You’re avoiding me, Winchester.”
For a second she thought he would deny it, but he just shrugged and looked down at the rag in his hands. He looked exhausted, she thought.
“Are you not sleeping, Dean?” she asked quietly. He shrugged again, so she brought out the big guns. “I spoke to Sam.”
“What the fuck, Charlie?”
“He called me, Winchester. After you hung up on him!”
“Fuck. I should call him back.”
“Yeah, you should,” she shrugged back at him.
“So did he…tell you anything?”
“You mean like the fact that you love Cas, but you think it’s one-sided and Sam now wants to come and kick Cas’ ass because you sounded to broken on the phone? No. He didn’t tell me anything.”
“It’s not funny, Charlie.”
She stepped forward and pulled Dean into a hug. “I know it’s not, I’m sorry. He wouldn’t have told me anything, you know that. He just got really confused by what you told him, and assumed I would be able to help.”
Dean allowed his arms to wrap around her and give her a squeeze. “I’m sorry I avoided you.”
“It’s ok. I get it.”
“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you what was going on.”
“I get that too.”
Dean pulled back and raised an eyebrow at her. “How do you get it? I haven’t told you anything yet.”
Charlie dropped her arms from around him and folded them in front of her, looking at him defiantly. “You’re not my only friend involved in this mess, Dean.”
He stepped back from her, his eyes wide.
“I spoke to Cas yesterday, too.”
He gaped at her, not sure what to say. There were so many questions, thoughts, feelings, all running through his head. Eventually, his mouth took over. “How is he?”
Charlie looked at him, sadly. “About as messed up from this as you are. Maybe more.”
Dean sighed and sat down on the ground, leaning against the truck as he threw his rag away. “I don’t understand it, Charlie.”
She sat down next to him. “I spoke to him for a long time, Dean, and there are things I can’t tell you, but there are also things I think you should know.”
Dean looked at her, eyes wide as he waited for her to speak.
“He doesn’t know that you love him, Dean. He doesn’t even know that he loves you, and I’m sure he does. I’m sure of it. He’s had some pretty fucked up shit happen to him before, and you only know half of it, trust me. I can’t tell you the rest, but he needs to know that he can trust you. He’s been betrayed on a level I can’t even understand, it’s so fucked up Dean. But he ended things with you because he thinks he’s holding you back from finding someone to fall in love with. Ironic, when you’re already in love with him.”
Charlie leaned her head on dean’s shoulder and sighed.
“Is he ok?”
“I already told you he isn’t.”
“I mean the shit in his past that you can’t tell me. Is it really fucking him up?”
“It’s the reason he won’t be in a public relationship, and the reason he hasn’t told anyone he’s gay. It’s pretty bad, Dean. But the worst part is what it’s topping him from doing, from having. He’s letting the past eat away at his future, and it’s awful to watch.”
“We were happy. I thought we were, at least.”
Dean felt Charlie’s small hand reach over and cover his own.
“What do I do, Charlie?”
“I don’t know, Dean. I really don’t. But I know you’re meant to be together, I just know it. You’re so good for each other, or you could be if you could work past his issues.”
“He needs to trust me, right?”
“He does. It won’t be easy, but he needs you to be honest with him. He’s sad, Dean. He’s sad to think that he’s lost you. You might be able to work on him, I don’t know.”
“Thanks, Charlie.” Some hope was better than no hope, right?
It was another few of hours before Dean had an idea of where to start, and he began to compose a text. He had just finished it when the alarms went off, and he hit send before he could change his mind. He ran to meet the rest of his team at the trucks, deciding as he went that he wouldn’t check his phone until he was back in the station, and whether or not Cas had replied then would be his answer.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Cas, I spoke to Charlie today. Don’t worry – she didn’t tell me anything, I just know you guys talked. She told me I had to be honest with you, so that is what I’m doing. The thing is, this thing between us? I’ve never felt anything like it. I know that you want to keep us a secret, and I will do that. I will do whatever you want to be with you, Cas. Whatever is takes. I don’t understand why, and I hope that one day you will explain it to me, but I’ll do it. I love you, Cas. You’ve made me realise that I’ve never really loved anyone before, and that terrifies me, but not as much as the idea of losing you terrifies me. The last few days have felt like 40 years in hell, and I don’t want to do that anymore. In the interest of honesty, I told my brother about us. He’ll keep our secret, but I had to speak to him. I haven’t needed him like that before, ever. You did that, or at least the way I love you did that. I just want you, or need you, to give us a chance. Please, Cas. We’ll go back to the beginning and take it slow, or we’ll carry on and we’ll not tell anyone ever. Whatever you want. I love you, please believe that. You are everything I want, and I’ll do whatever it takes. Just please text back and tell me there’s a chance, however small. I love you. Dxx
It was Cas’ first day back at work after his three day pity party, and because he’d missed so much he threw himself into his work, keeping as busy as possible, so it was six o’clock that evening before he checked his phone, and found Dean’s message. Instantly, his mind was back to the turmoil of the last few days. What did he do?
Talking to Charlie had felt good, he couldn’t deny it, but it was more than he ever thought he could do, and he didn’t think he could do it again. And Dean deserved to know, didn’t he? Certainly, if they were still together he deserved to know what he couldn’t ever give him the relationship he wanted. As much as he would love to. The conversation had made him come to terms with his own feelings, and he knew that he loved Dean. The phone that he was clutching tightly in his hand made him start to believe that Dean felt the same way, but could he ever trust it? His whole heart was telling him yes, but that niggling part of his brain was still shouting at him to walk away. He just needed to decide what to listen to.
He never had time to contemplate it, as less than a minute later Meg stuck her head into the room and told them they had an emergency coming in, and then his life fell apart when Charlie called out the details as everyone gathered in the foyer. She caught his eyes and gave him a sad shake of her head. She couldn’t tell him what he wanted to hear – she knew nothing either.
Please, please, please.
“We’re up,” someone shouted and everyone surged forward as the doors were pushed open. Blue lights screamed into the bay and everyone separated, approaching the two vehicles in hurried organisation. A third set of blue lights followed them in but was ignored.
Cas led his group forward, instinctively heading for the truck on the left. The doors at the back of it opened at the same time, and two bodies burst out, a trolley quickly wheeled out between them and then they were hurtling back towards the building.
“Five-year-old female, left leg is broken, burns to the face and right arm. Pain meds administered at scene,” Benny rattled off the details as they rushed in. Cas grabbed part of the trolley, helping them steer the child into the ER, and waiting for Luke to start administering instructions. He refused to be distracted by the contents of the other ambulance. He sent up one last plea, then got to work.
Please, don’t let it be him.