No Quick Fix

Neither of them woke the next morning wrapped in contentment, sure that now everything would be ok. That they were going to make this work. That they were allowed to feel happy about the night before.

Castiel woke in a state of panic. He snapped awake as soon as his awakening mind was focused enough to realise that the heat at his back was a human body, and that the arm clamped around his waist, with a hand resting on his belly (a hand which he was gripping onto, with fingers laced together), was Dean's.

Dean felt it as soon as Cas woke. He himself had been awake for about an hour, having come to with a sense of dread squashing down any happiness he was able to feel. He had lain there since, not moving an inch, soaking in the feeling of Cas pressed against him, their heads lying on the same pillow, their hands still locked together tightly in the way that they had fallen asleep the night before. He had willed Castiel to stay asleep, to let him have this for just a little bit longer, as the expression in the nurse's eyes when he'd turned away from Dean and burrowed back into him the night before had told him quite clearly that this would not be happening again.

The sadness in that expression had almost broken Dean. Again.

Now, he felt Castiel come to with a jerk and just managed to stop himself from tightening his hold further in a bid to stop the man from escaping his embrace. Instead, he kept his breath even and let Cas think he was still asleep, so that he could find out what he would do.

Castiel let himself panic for a whole thirty seconds, before allowing himself to relax. He wasn't going to be a coward and try to slip away while Dean still slept, instead he would wait and speak to the man, and explain that what happened between them the night before had been a mistake, and that he was sorry, but it couldn't happen again.

He sighed as he finished the thought in his head. Life was so damn unfair sometimes. Why did he have to meet Dean now? Why couldn't Dean have been in Maryland, in Baltimore, instead of Lawrence? Why couldn't Dean have been there, then this whole nightmare with Michael might never have happened, and he might have been able to be happy for the first time since his mother had married Uri.

His fingers automatically tightened around Dean's for a moment as he forced himself to realise that he had to give this up, today, and another sigh escaped him.

Dean couldn't listen to the sad noises any more.

"Cas?" he whispered.

"Don't, Dean," Castiel murmured back. "Just let me pretend, for another minute, please?"

Dean groaned softly and pressed his face into the back of Cas' neck, unable to resist pressing a kiss to the soft skin below his hairline.

"You're killing me here, Cas."

Like a shot, Castiel was out of his arms and was sitting on the edge of the bed, his head in his hands. "I'm so sorry, Dean. I've been completely selfish, I..."

"Hey, hey, man," Dean admonished him, looking in dismay at the naked back that had been pressed so beautifully against him a moment before. "I'm not complaining, alright?" He wanted to reach out and run his hand down the beautiful skin, but he didn't.

"I shouldn't have stayed, I shouldn't have..."

"Don't, Cas," Dean said sharply, sitting up to position himself in a despondent mirror image on the opposite side of the bed. He couldn't look any more without touching, so he moved away from temptation.

"What?"

"Don't tell me you regret it, ok? If rutting like adolescents on the couch until we came in our pants is all I'm going to get from you, then please don't take even that away."

The gruffness of Dean's voice didn't hide the sadness in it, and Cas twisted himself slightly to glance over at him. Guilt hit him like a sledge hammer when he saw the miserable picture Dean exhibited on the other side of the mattress. "I'm sorry, Dean. I should go."

Cas stood quietly and reached down to lift up the clothes he had stripped off before collapsing into Dean's bed the night before. He was just pulling the jeans over his boxers when Dean turned to face him.

"Stay."

"Dean, I can't..."

"I just mean as a friend, Cas. Please? I still don't think you should be alone, and I...I'm scared, man, that if you leave here now after what happened last night that we won't get past it, and I don't think I'm ready to lose you completely. Besides, despite all the craziness and this weird connection between us, we hardly really know each other. Please?"

Castiel gazed at him for a few moments, contemplating. He realised quickly that he could only see honesty in his face, and sighed in resignation.

"Get dressed, Dean. We can watch a movie or two if you want."

"You don't have to sound quite so pleased about it," Dean smiled softly, relief poorly hidden in his features.

"I'll be more pleased about it once you tell me what you're making for breakfast, and if, um..."

"And what?"

"And if you could give me some clean underwear? I don't really want to spend the day in these ones," Cas flushed and looked down.

Dean laughed and stood. "Tell you what, I'll get you some clean boxers and a towel. You can grab a shower while I start some pancakes or something. Sound good?"

Cas just smiled and nodded at him.

"Excellent. Then we have a plan, dude."

An hour later, after an excellent breakfast and a lot of conversation, the two of them were back in the living room, arguing light-heartedly about what movie they should watch. While Dean argued the merits of Die Hard, True Lies, and Indiana Jones, none of which Cas had seen because he had been living under a rock, apparently, both of them studiously avoided thinking about what they had got up to the last time they had been sitting on this couch together.

"Seriously, man, I can't believe you haven't seen any of this stuff!"

Castiel shrugged. "I wasn't allowed to watch a lot of television at Uri's, and certainly never went to the movies, so I guess it just kind of stuck."

"Well, it's time to fix that. Let's start with Indy."

Dean grinned as he put the Dvd into the player. Cas was here. He was sitting on Dean's couch and had agreed to spend the day together. Dean was determined to show Cas that they could be friends; that they already were.

They quickly settled into companionable chatter as they watched Dr Jones and his struggle with the Nazis. Dean managed to not speak along with every bit of dialogue that he liked, and they chuckled together at the film's dated special effects. Castiel found himself enjoying the film immensely, much to Dean's pleasure when he told him so as the credits began to roll.

"Excellent, man," Dean smiled at him and dragged himself off the couch and onto the floor towards the Dvd player. "Next one, then?"

"Sure," Cas smiled back at him. He had nowhere else to be, and was enjoying getting to know Dean properly.

"Cool."

The movie was about three quarters of the way through when Dean's phone rang. He picked up his cell and checked the name flashing across the screen.

"Uh, it's Gabe. Should I answer?"

Cas nodded at him, but eyed him warily as he did so.

"Hey, Gabe."

"Dean. I was looking for my brother's number, if you have it? I, uh, wanted to call him but I realised I don't have it." Gabriel sounded a little awkward, nothing like his usual boisterous self, and Dean felt a little stab of guilt for his anger at him the night before. Until he looked at Cas, and remembered how devastated he had been.

"Hang on a sec," Dean said, then covered the phone with his hand. "He wants your number; what do you want me to do?"

Castiel looked at him for a moment, eyes growing momentarily with anxiety, then he sighed and held out his hand.

"You sure?" Dean asked softly. Castiel nodded, and Dean dropped the cell into his palm. He sat frozen as Cas stood and left the room, feeling helpless.

"Hello, Gabriel," Cas said as he closed the kitchen door and moved to sit at the kitchen table.

"Cas? Oh! I didn't, I wasn't...I didn't expect you to still be there, sorry."

"That's alright, Gabriel. We're watching some movies as we both have the day off today."

"Oh."

The line went quiet for a long enough moment that it was verging on uncomfortable.

"Did you want to say something, Gabriel?"

"Yeah, Cas. Shit. Sorry, I suppose I was planning and being a total jackass and texting you. I just, well, I suppose I wanted to check on you, first of all. Are you... ok?"

"I'm fine."

There was a pause. "Really?"

Castiel sighed. "It depends what you're asking about, Gabriel. Am I ok with telling Charlie and Dean? I suppose so. Am I ok here in Lawrence? More or less. Am I doing ok with you being around? I have no idea yet, Gabriel. Am I doing ok with being beaten for years, threatened, hospitalised, with no one to look after me or help me get through it? Not so much."

"I'm so sorry, Cassie. I never would have left you there if I had known..."

"I know you're sorry, Gabriel. But the last part isn't quite true is it?"

"Cas, I..." Gabriel sputtered.

"I don't mean that you left me there on purpose," Castiel said calmly, cutting him off. "I just mean that I don't think you wanted to think about what would happen to me if you left me there, so you just didn't think about it."

"Shit, Cassie," Gabriel's voice broke slightly on his name. "I...I guess you're right. I was utterly selfish, wasn't I?"

"You were young, Gabriel. And scared."

"And I was also a big brother, Castiel. I was your big brother, and I did nothing to protect you. I failed you. In every way that mattered, I failed. I'm so sorry, Cassie."

Castiel stood and moved to lean against the counter, raising his face heavenwards to ward off the threatening tears.

"It's ok," he said softly.

"No it fucking isn't ok!" Gabriel said, suddenly angry. "It's not ok, but I'll make it up to you, I swear."

"I just...I need some time to get used to you being around, Gabriel. It was a long time ago, but I, well I suppose I've not quite dealt with it all yet. A little bit of time. Ok?"

A weary sigh came through the phone. "Of course it's ok, Cassie. Anything you want, alright? When you're ready, we can deal with Uri too."

Castiel froze. No, no, no! He didn't want to deal with Uri, ever. He didn't even want to think about him, never mind do anything that might be thought of as in any way as dealing with him. He choked out his words. "No, Gabriel, no! I can't...I don't... Please."

"Ok, Cas, ok! Sorry, shit. I didn't mean to... I won't mention it, ever, ok?"

Another pause, as Cas tried to control his breathing.  

"Look, I'll go just now. But...can we talk, maybe? When you're ready?"

Cas nodded, then realised that of course Gabriel couldn't see him. "I'll get your number from Dean."

"Alright, that's fine, Cas. Completely on your terms, ok? I'll go. But I'll speak to you soon, and you know where I am if you need me."

"Goodbye, Gabriel."

"Bye, Cassie."

Dean was fidgeting. He couldn't help it. Cas had headed for the kitchen and closed the door fifteen minutes ago, and for a while he had heard the soft murmur of the other man's voice, but now there was nothing. At least five minutes of silence, during every second of which Dean had debated with himself whether to go in and check on the other man or not. A brief image of Cas' face the night before flashed through his head, and his decision was made.

He stood and made his way to the kitchen, knocking softly before he opened the door.

Cas was standing with his back to him. His hands were leaning on the counter, the phone lying beside him, his arms straight. Dean could see the muscles in his arms, taught where he leant his weight on them. Dean let his eyes travel over his body, not checking him out, honestly, but noting that his shoulders were steady. He was stressed, but he wasn't crying.

"Cas?" he asked, gently.

The raven head shook minutely. Dean stepped into the kitchen and approached him slowly.

"You alright, man? You need anything?" Again, that shake of the head.

Dean kept approaching him, forcing his hands to stay by their sides, however much they wanted to reach out and touch Cas; run themselves gently down his back in a comforting gesture, rest reassuringly on the soft skin at the nape of this neck.

He stopped directly behind him and just waited silently.

After a couple of moments, a hand snuck back and reached out for him. Astonished, he quickly reached out and latched onto the offered hand, just managing not to link their fingers and instead squeezed the hand gently.

"Thank you, Dean," Cas said softly.

"For what?"

Cas shrugged. "For being here. For being a friend."

Dean felt a lump forming in his throat as Cas' hand squeezed his back. Cas, I don't want to be your friend. I want to be your... everything.

But he couldn't say that. and not only because it would've been the most girly fucking thing he had ever said. He couldn't tell him how deeply he thought he could fall for him, if given the chance. He couldn't tell him how desperately he wanted to hold him and kiss him, and help him through everything that was hurting him. He couldn't even explain how he was feeling to himself, with having known Castiel for so little time. Instead he just squeezed the fingers again, and this time let himself twist their hands together until their fingers were linked.

Cas' breath hitched when Dean's fingers threaded through his. He allowed himself a moment of weakness and leaned back into Dean briefly. A second later he moved to pull himself away, but Dean's other hand softly landed on his hip.

"Dean," his voice came out breathy. A whisper, and almost a plea. He just didn't know what for.

"I don't understand this, Cas," Dean said softly as he rested his forehead on Cas' shoulder. "I don't know why you drive me so crazy, why I can't get you out of my head, but all I know is that I can't. I can't stop thinking about you, and I can't stop thinking that we would be great together."

Castiel found his body relaxing into the other man's, and sighed as he brought their clasped hands round to rest against his abdomen, effectively wrapping Dean's arm around him.  "I know, Dean. I don't understand it either, but I feel the same. But I just..."

"You can't, I know. You said." Dean lifted his head until his chin was resting on the shoulder, and tilted his face so that his lips were practically brushing Castiel's neck as he spoke. "I just don't understand why."

Cas squeezed his eyes shut. "I can't explain it to you Dean, I want to, but I can't do it. I ran away from it, and I'm not ready to...bring it here. Please don't ask me to."

"You can trust me, Cas."

Dean just got another soft sigh as a response, but just tightened his grip on Cas.

After a few moments, Castiel spoke. "This isn't fair, Dean. I'm being so unfair to you."

"Cas, I..."

"No, Dean. I should leave. I should stay away from you. It's too hard. I don't think I've... I haven't ever felt like this about someone so quickly before, and I don't..."

"You don't what?"

"I don't think I can do it anymore," he finished on a whisper. He knew he had to pull out of Dean's embrace, but he was finding it impossible to persuade his body to move. A gentle kiss to his neck made him almost groan aloud. "Please, Dean."

"Then don't do it anymore, Cas. Let yourself have what you want. Let me have what I want. We've already established that I'm fucking adorable," Dean grinned, and was relieved when he heard Castiel chuckle lightly. 

Castiel's resolve was beginning to crumble. "I couldn't...it would have to be a secret, Dean. I can't do that to you. I won't."

"What if I don't mind?" Alarm bells were ringing; Dean could only see heartbreak ahead with a secret relationship, but at this point he would take anything. He realised that he'd started nuzzling and kissing Cas' neck and jaw and hardly noticed. He did notice when Cas' tilted his head to allow him better access, and the hand that still rested by his side made an aborted move to reach up and caress Dean's head. "Please, baby. Let us try. Please," he whispered in between kisses, smirking when Castiel moaned softly.

A second later, Cas had turned round completely and they were pressed front to front, Dean's arms leaning on the counter's edge with Cas trapped in between them. Castiel was eyeballing Dean, his pupils blown but his face serious.

"Are you sure, Dean? I mean it; nobody could know."

Dean just grinned at him. "Absolutely."

Castiel raised an eyebrow. "Dean, have you ever been in a secret relationship before?" Dean nodded, screwing his face up slightly. "Did it end well?"

"Uh, no," Dean bit his lip. Cas dropped his head, but Dean moved one hand to grab his chin and lift it. "Hey. I was a kid, ok? And trying to hide my sexuality from, well, everyone, but mostly my dad. It didn't end well, but I was shit scared, and I was 17. And I never felt anything like this about him."

"It's such a bad idea, Dean."

Dean sighed and rested their foreheads together, his hand now cupping Cas' face, and the other moved back to what was quickly becoming its favourite place - Cas' hip. "I know, Cas. I know it's a terrible idea. But I also know that we can't just be friends."

"I know."

"So. What do we do?"

Castiel lifted his face from Dean's and contemplated his handsome, and hopeful, face. He was absolutely right. There was no way they could just be friends; this weird...bond.... they shared was far too strong for that. And Castiel had been alone for so long, and he hated it.

But nobody could know.

"This is going to end really badly."

Dean grinned at him. "Not if I have anything to say about it."

And with that confident statement, Dean pulled Cas' face to his and brushed their lips together a few times, before running his tongue along Castiel's lower lip. With a groan, Cas opened his mouth and the kiss deepened. Their arms wrapped tightly around each other and their tongues battled for dominance as they finally lost themselves in a kiss that they were allowing themselves to have.