Consequences
U comin over 2nite?
Cas looked at the text with the usual butterflies in his stomach. It had been two months, but every single time he got a message, or spoke to him, Castiel's stomach started dancing a jig.
Sure. Charlie still coming?
Yeah. Don't worry, am not trying to get you alone.
Cas flushed. He had been very good at making sure that he and Dean were never truly alone. The only time they spoke without a friend present was when they came across each other at the hospital, or if Charlie was late for their fortnightly movie marathons.
What should I bring?
Just ur gorgeous self ;)
Cas rolled his eyes. Dean had been very good about Cas' continuous work to keep himself safe from temptation, but it didn't stop the man flirting with him constantly.
Shut up, Dean.
U shut up
I'll see you later.
U bet ur ass u will :)
Cas tucked his phone into the pocket of his jeans and grinned as he hauled his bag out of his locker. He loved spending time with Dean, and they had truly become good friends over the past few weeks. The little nagging voice in his brain of course kept pointing out how much better that time would be if he would just give in and allow himself the kind of relationship with Dean that he really wanted, but he was not going to allow that to happen.
No matter how hard Dean tried to convince him, or how desperately he wanted to kiss him every time he saw him.
Shoving his locker closed, Cas realised he was still grinning as he left the room and headed for the hospital exit. He didn't care. He looked forward to his evenings with Dean, and Charlie of course - and so far, he was surviving.
~~~
Dean was doing some frantic tidying. Usually, movie night took place at Charlie's place, but some sort of temporary insanity had made him suggest that they relocate this week, and spend the evening at his. He was a fairly tidy person, but tidy for yourself and tidy for people coming over, especially when one of those people was the subject of all your affections, were two different things. He only just managed to stop himself putting clean sheets on his bed; no way in hell was he going to be needing a clean bed for company, worse luck.
Finally sitting on the couch in his super-tidy apartment, he pulled out his phone and scrolled through his text conversations with Cas. He felt ridiculous every time he did this, but he couldn't stop himself. It was like he needed to see the contact, to make sure that he wasn't imagining their friendship or something. Ridiculous.
The third time he'd caught himself doing it, Dean had realised just how far gone he was.
Now, he accepted it for what it was. His feelings for Castiel had been pretty damn strong since he'd met him, but now he knew exactly how deep his feelings ran, and how painful it would be if he let himself think about it too much. They were friends, very much so, and Dean would take what he could get,
His phone buzzed with a new text, making him jump slightly.
Hey man. What you doing tonight? My plans with Kali fell through.
Dean winced. His instinct so far had been not to mention Castiel in front of Gabriel. He felt a bit ridiculous hiding a friendship when he didn't know anything about the situation between Cas and Gabriel, but the latter hadn't mentioned the nurse at all since that night two months ago and Dean was beginning to think more and more outlandish and worrying things about what was going on.
Got people coming over 2 watch a couple of movies. Welcome to join if u want.
There. That was innocent enough. He bit his lip as he waited for Gabriel's reply, not sure if he wanted the man to come or not. He wondered if he should mention Cas' name. Luckily, Gabriel gave him an excuse to.
Could do. What u watching?
Last to HP movies. Finishing Castiel's education of the wizarding world.
Now it was out of his hands, and up to Gabe. That had been causal enough, hadn't it? A mention of Cas as if he talked about him all the time.
Gabriel's answer wasn't quick to arrive, and Dean got himself a beer as he nervously wondered if he'd done the right thing. Eventually, his phone buzzed.
K. Might see you later.
Shit. Now that he thought about it, this struck him as being a very bad idea. Perhaps luckily, he didn't have time to dwell on it as his door buzzed. Gabe wouldn't show; it would be fine. Surely.
Throwing himself over the back of the couch, he jogged to the door and pressed the buzzer, throwing the door open in time for Cas to reach his floor. He grinned as the nurse looked up and caught his eye, gracing him with one of those rare but beautiful smiles that flipped Dean's heart over.
"Hey, man."
"Hello, Dean."
Dean stepped aside to let Cas pass him into the apartment, but didn't step completely out of the way so that Cas had to squeeze past him a little bit. He chuckled softly as Castiel rolled his eyes at him as he moved by, then choked on it as Cas' hand reached out and pinched his waist before he moved completely inside. Evidently it was going to be one of those nights.
"Your home is lovely, Dean," Cas called, and Dean realised he was still standing frozen in the doorway. Shaking off the stupor, he strode confidently into where Cas was standing in his living room, admiring the simple but homely décor that Dean enjoyed.
"Thanks. You want the tour?"
"Sure."
They wasted a few minutes waiting for Charlie, moving around the apartment with Dean explaining what he had done to the place since he'd bought it, and what he planned to do in the future.
"It sounds amazing, Dean," Cas said as they arrived back in the living room.
He shrugged. "It could be. Dunno if I'll do it all here though, or wait until I can get myself a house instead."
"You want a house?"
"I want the whole thing, Cas. House, family, dog. Full apple pie life," Dean gazed at Cas warmly, unable to stop himself imagining Cas feeding their dog in their big, square kitchen as he cooked. "Don't you?"
"I don't know, Dean," Cas said quietly, eyes suddenly sad. "I've never really thought about it. Not with any idea of being able to have it."
They were silent for a moment and Dean felt his heart break slightly as Cas tried to smile normally. One day, he would break the enigma of this man and whoever had made him suffer would know it back, ten-fold.
"You alright, Cas?"
"I'm fine, Dean. You got beer?"
"Sure, dude. Let's go."
Charlie arrived just as they settled in front of the TV, a respectable distance between them as Cas took the single armchair instead of joining Dean on the couch. No way was he going to sidle up close to the man. Being in his space was hard enough.
"Hey guys!" Charlie greeted them cheerily. "Sorry I'm late! Couldn't find part two anywhere, but I found it in my laptop bag eventually. Did I miss anything?"
"Just the grand tour, but you've seen it already. Want to put the movie on, and I'll grab you a beer?"
"Hey, Cas," Charlie said as she got to her knees in front of Dean's dvd player. "You alright?"
"Fine, Charlie. Thanks."
She smiled warmly at him then turned back to the machine and let her face drop into a slight frown. These two were driving her crazy, but for some reason they just weren't getting their act together. She knew, of course, that Castiel had this weird rule about no relationships, but she was sure he would've broken it by now.
A few minutes later, they were comfortable and ready to start the first movie. Cas watched carefully, while Dean mostly just watched him enjoying it. There was something about watching movies that made Castiel relax completely, and there was something about a completely relaxed Castiel that made Dean's chest ache. He watched him laugh at the disturbing sight of several Harry Potters, watched him frown at Ron's behaviour, watched him be confused by all the changes from the book he had loved.
It was as he was watching Cas trying to not be devastated by the end of the first movie that the door buzzer went, and Gabriel proved himself to have what Dean later decided was the worst timing ever.
With a sinking feeling, Dean cast one last look at a sad Cas, who was at least laughing at himself for being so sad about something he knew was coming, before he moved to answer the door. A few seconds later Gabriel reached the apartment and swept past Dean with a fairly poor attempt at his usual grin. Dean sighed and followed him in, entering his living room to find a frozen Castiel, an awkward-looking Gabe, a confused Charlie, and a complete lack of any positive atmosphere.
"Hey Charlie. Hey, Cas. How's it going?"
Castiel got stiffly to his feet, his face drained of color. "What are you doing here, Gabriel?"
"I was invited," the older man shrugged.
Cas glanced at Dean, noticing the nervous look on the man's face, then back at Gabriel. "Did you know I was going to be here?"
Gabe didn't say anything, and Castiel closed his eyes in pain. He knew he could never have this. He should've known.
"You promised you'd leave me alone."
"What the hell is going on here, guys?" Charlie spoke up. She was appalled by the look on Castiel's face at the sight of Gabriel. She looked at Dean, and saw that he didn't seem quite so surprised by Cas' current state as she was. "Dean?"
Dean just shook his head.
"Cas, come on. You have to let me make this up to you, please!"
Gabe moved towards him with his arms stretched, but the horrified look on Castiel's face made him freeze.
Cas suddenly realised that nobody else in the room had any idea what was going on, and his face flushed in mortification.
"I'm sorry. I have to go," he blurted out before rushing for the door.
"Cas, wait!"
He couldn't even tell who had called after him as he headed blindly for the door. His head was rushing and his lungs weren't working properly. He knew he was having the beginnings of a panic attack, but he needed to get out of there. Now.
He was scrabbling with the lock when a hand reached out and covered his, pulling it away from the door. Strong arms wrapped around him from behind, holding his arms to his torso.
"Breathe, Cas. Just breathe, please," Dean murmured in his ear, then slowly walked him to the kitchen, never releasing his hold. He mumbled apologies over and over again as they moved. His eyes filled with tears as he felt Castiel trying to hold in a sob. He kicked the kitchen door shut and turned Cas in his arms until he was holding him properly. "Keep breathing, baby. That's it."
Slowly they sank to the floor, Cas' face hidden tightly in Dean's neck as he fought to breathe steadily. Dimly, he was aware that soon he was going to be more embarrassed than he had been in a long time, but for now all he could really focus on was a need to breathe, and the need to cling on.
Dean was horrified. He had done this, he had let Gabe come here, knowing that there was something going on that had panicked Castiel before. This was his fault; his and whatever part of Gabriel's brain had told him it would be ok.
"I'm sorry, Cas. I'm so sorry," he began to mumble into Cas' ear as his breathing finally slowed. "I shouldn't have... I shouldn't have told him to come over. I should have known, I should've thought. I'm so sorry, so sorry."
Cas pulled back far enough to look at Dean with confusion. "Why are you sorry, you couldn't possibly...did he tell you?!"
Dean shook his head vigorously; Cas looked absolutely sickened at the thought the Gabriel had been talking. "No, I promise. He never said a word."
"Then how-"
"I heard you," Dean's couldn't meet Cas' eyes, ashamed of himself.
"What?" Cas whispered, appalled.
Get a grip, Winchester. Man up and admit it! "The night at the bar. I came outside to check on you, but before I reached you Gabe was there. I heard you talking. I didn't mean to listen to anything private, honestly. I just needed to make sure you were alright, and I wasn't sure what Gabriel could be doing there with you, and then when you started talking I didn't want to make you uncomfortable by letting you know I was there, so I..."
"You stayed. And listened."
Dean searched Cas' eyes for a clue to what emotion hid behind them. HIs voice was flat; and his eyes were carefully blank.
"I'm sorry, Cas. I'm so sorry."
"But why didn't you...you never asked. Anything."
Dean shrugged, grateful that Cas hadn't moved out of his arms yet. "I figured that you'd tell if you needed to. And I've made sure that I'm here for you, but it's not my business. Not until you're ready for it to be."
"Gabriel?"
"He hasn't mentioned you since that night. I kind of assumed things might be ok then, which is why I said he was ok to come round."
Cas looked at him for a moment until he was sure that Dean was telling him the truth. He nodded, then let his face fall back into Dean's neck. This wasn't helping his plan to keep his distance, but right now the only place he wanted to be was as close to the man as possible.
"Did he know I was here?" he asked quietly.
"Yeah. He knew," Dean whispered back, tightening his arms protectively around Cas' still shaking torso. "Do I need to kick him out?" Dean had always thought Gabriel to be a good guy, but clearly there was more to him than met the eye.
Castiel was silent for a few moments. "Just give me a minute," he said into Dean's neck. "I'll speak to him." There was no way he could hide their story anymore. It wasn't fair to Dean or Charlie. And if he was going to tell them, he wanted Gabe there to hear it all.
"You sure?" Dean closed his eyes as he felt Cas nod his answer against his neck. He was glad that Cas was willing to talk to him, but he really didn't want to move. He supposed he just had to hope that holding Cas like this was not going to be a one-time deal.
When they re-entered the living room, Gabriel was pacing around the floor, his hands clenched at his sides, and Charlie was sitting curled in Cas' abandoned armchair, her fingers pressed against her mouth in distress. It was to her that Castiel address his quiet apology as he let Dean lead him to the couch. Gabriel stopped pacing and gazed at him in sorrow as he curled quietly into Dean's side, the firefighter's arm never leaving its firm place across his shoulders.
"Cas, I'm sorry, I just wanted to speak to you, I-" Gabriel sat down suddenly on the floor in front of the couch, the expression on his face beseeching Cas for some kind of forgiveness. Charlie and Dean were both frozen, waiting for something to happen.
"Dean, Charlie," Cas spoke quietly. "Meet my big brother."
"Your what?!" both of them spoke at the same time.
"Well, my step-brother."
"What the hell, man..."
Cas put his hand gently on Dean's arm. "Just let me tell you." And he began to speak.
"My mother married Gabriel's father when I was four. My own father drifted a lot and eventually my mother divorced him. Then she married Uri. Gabriel was nine years older than me, and straight away became my big brother."
"He was such a cute kid, and he followed me like a damn puppy," Gabriel added quietly, dropping his head with a sigh.
"I was seven the first time I noticed the bruises," Cas continued. "He wouldn't tell me the truth about where they had come from, but I knew that the marks covering his back weren't from falling off his bike. It scared me. My mother didn't care about either of us, so I couldn't ask her. And I was always scared of Uri."
Gabriel looked up at him with a weak smile. "You stuck to me like glue after that, Cassie. Somehow feeling like you should protect me. And it worked; he left me alone while you were hanging around."
Cas nodded, while Charlie curled herself even tighter into a ball, and Dean fought against the urge to pull Cas deeply into his embrace.
"When I was nine, Gabriel vanished."
Dean's eyes shot to Gabriel, whose eyes dropped to the floor again as his shoulders hunched in in misery. Instantly, Dean knew what happened next.
"Uri left me alone, for about three months. Then one day he came home drunk, and he came to my bedroom. I was sleeping. I had, once again, cried myself to sleep when Gabriel didn't come home. I think seeing the evidence of my tears when he dragged me out of bed was what changed his mind."
Gabriel's head whipped up to look at him, but Castiel avoided his gaze. Gabe needed to know, but this was going to hurt.
"I think he was just going to use his fists, knock me around a bit, but he looked at my face, snarled at me about being weak and pathetic, then dragged me down to the basement. That time, he used his belt."
Gabriel looked sick as he threw himself to his feet and started pacing again. "The fucking belt," he spat. "That bastard. I never thought he would, Cassie, I never thought..."
"Gabriel. Sit down and let him finish," Charlie said quietly. She could see that this was some sort of therapy for them, and they needed to see it through.
Cas sighed and tipped his head back to lean against Dean's shoulder. "Once he started, he didn't stop. He took me down there, at least one night every week, and beat me. Sometimes he used the belt, sometimes his fists, or his feet. And every night I prayed."
His head snapped up to look at the miserable figure of the brother he had so adored. "Every night, Gabriel. I prayed that you would come back for me, that you hadn't left me there for him, to replace you." Tears were streaming down his face now, a matching set gracing Gabriel's.
"I tried, Cassie, I promise. I tried. I never thought he'd touch you, but I came for you anyway. So many times. I tried."
Cas looked at him and slowly nodded.
"What happened, Cas?" Dean asked quietly, his own voice raw with horror.
"I knew I had to leave after the baseball bat," he whispered.
"Fuck, Cassie, please, no. No, no."
Castiel nodded. "He broke my arms and three of my ribs with it, after he caught me...kissing another boy. The rage in his face, I'll never forget it. He phoned an ambulance eventually, told them I'd been attacked by an intruder. He spent weeks talking to the police and everything."
"Why didn't you say anything, Cas?"
Cas looked at Charlie and answered her question bluntly. "Because he told me what he would with the bat next time."
Charlie covered her mouth, the implication of Cas' words hitting her like a blow to the gut.
"He left me alone while I recovered, but I took off from the hospital when the last cast was removed. Got a friend from school to help me."
Everyone sat in shocked silence. Castiel shrugged. "And that's it. That's how we know each other, and that's why I couldn't bear to see him. I could never stand the thought of anyone knowing, so I never told a soul. My friend gave me money and a bus ticket, and I got myself a job. Eventually I went back to school, and here I am. I wanted to leave it all behind, everything, but seeing Gabe, I just.... I'm sorry."
"What the fuck are you apologising for?" Dean blurted out, horrified, as he removed his arm from Cas' shoulders and stood looking down at him. Cas just blinked at him, as if he didn't understand the question. Dean whirled around to point down at Gabe. "And why the fuck are you not apologising?"
"Dean..." Cas said quietly, but Dean ignored him.
"He was nine, for fuck sake, and you left him there! Alone! You're supposed to be the big brother, Gabe, you're supposed to do everything you can to look after him, not leave him behind when you make your own escape from your psycho dad!"
Dean's face was rigid with fury, but Gabe was on the edge now and stood quickly to stand nose to nose with him. "Don't you think I know that, Winchester?! Don't you think I know that I am fucking useless? That I'm a coward? I'm everything that bastard said I was, and I left my little brother there to face worse than I ever had to, and I hate myself for it! Is that what you want to hear?!"
"Gabriel, please," Cas stood and inserted himself between the two men. "I know, ok? It's not your fault. Please. And Dean, you have to believe that too. You're not angry with each other."
The streaks of tears that covered Castiel's cheeks made Dean's heart break a little more, and he reached blindly out and pulled the other man to him. He caught Gabriel's eye and gave a quick nod.
"Uh, Cassie?" Gabe said quietly. "I think I'm gonna go, okay? I need to...well, you need to... Can I call you tomorrow?"
"Come on, I'll see you out," Cas said instead. Pulling himself from Dean's arms and leading Gabriel to the door.
As soon as they left the room. Dean practically collapsed on the couch. "Jesus, shit, Charlie."
"I know, Dean."
"What do we even do now?"
"What do you want to do?" Charlie unfolded herself and sat on the edge of the chair, her head resting in her hands.
Dean sighed and sat back, looking to the ceiling. "I want to punch Gabe for leaving him there, even though I know it's not his fault. I want to find this Uri and beat the shit out of him, and threaten to rape him with a baseball bat. I want to see his mother in jail for abandoning her child, possibly his dad too."
"And then?"
"And then," Dean snorted dismissively. His voice was quiet and hoarse when he finished his thought. "Then I want to make him let me love him."
"Oh, Dean," Charlie said sadly.
"Yeah, I know."
A minute or two later, Castiel came back into the room and Charlie immediately stood and pulled him into a hug. "I'm gonna go now, Cas, ok? But don't go home. Stay here with Dean. You don't need to be alone just now. I'll see you at work tomorrow night, yeah?"
Cas nodded, giving her a squeeze of thanks. She returned it briefly before letting him go, then giving Dean a quick wave before she left. By the time the front door closed, Dean had pulled Cas by the hand until he was sitting next to him on the couch again, tucked into his side in the only way that Dean could think to protect him.
They sat in silence for several minutes.
"I never meant to burden you with all of that," Cas said quietly.
"It's not a burden, Cas," Dean bit down his anger at Cas' words. "I'm your friend."
It came out more of a question than a statement.
"Yes, Dean."
Their silence stretched on. They were both emotionally drained, and worried about what happened next.
"Cas?"
"Yes, Dean?"
"Will you stay?"
"Dean, I can't..."
"I'm not expecting anything from you, Cas. I just...I'm not ready to let go of you yet, and I don't think you should be alone."
"Gabriel and Charlie both said the same thing."
"Well, then. It must be right."
Cas sighed then pulled away to sit up, turning round on his seat so that his legs were crossed and he was facing Dean. He was shocked to see how emotional the other man was. He gazed at him for a few minutes, until the firefighter began squirming in discomfort.
"What is it?"
Cas sighed, tears springing to his eyes again. "I just, I really wish that I could, Dean."
"Could what?"
"Let myself."
Be happy. Love him. Have him. Kiss him.
"Is it because of, you know, everything you just told us?" Dean was still struggling to understand. Was it the baseball bat? Had the punishment worked?
Cas smiled sadly. "No, Dean."
Dean just sighed and nodded, back to facing the ceiling again. "Are you sure you don't just...not like me?" he tried to smile and break the ice with a little bit of humour. "Cos maybe you're just nuts, man. I'm fucking adorable."
Gentle fingers reached out and cradled his cheek, and a slight sniffle made him turn to see Cas' face once again home to fresh tears. "I'm a mess, Dean," he gave a watery smile. "You don't want to deal with all of this. Trust me."
There was nothing he could say to that. They both knew it to be completely untrue. Instead, he reached over and hauled Castiel into his lap, wrapping himself tightly around him and pressing kisses to his temple until the tears stopped again.
"Maybe I like a challenge," he eventually said, softly, lips still grazing the side of Cas' head.
If he hadn't been sitting down already, you could've knocked him over with half a feather when Castiel suddenly turned his head and pressed his lips to Dean's. In the two seconds it took his brain to catch up with what had happened, Cas had twisted in his lap and was now straddling him, with both of his hands clenched in Dean's hair.
"Dean," he breathed against his lips.
It was all the instruction Dean needed to press back to Cas' soft mouth with a groan, gripping his hips tightly with both hands. Ten minutes ago, he thought he'd died and gone to hell, but now, as Cas opened his mouth under his and invited Dean's tongue to tangle smoothly with his own, Dean knew that he was discovering what heaven tasted like. And he was going to savour every moment.