Ben's Story
It was the day before fighting day for the Level Fives, and everyone was excited. Everyone had put on some muscle and they were actually quite proud of themselves.
"Hey," Troye said brightly to their instructor. Ben smiled back and nodded in greeting.
"You look young," Troye noted. Ben dropped his smile and nodded.
"'M nineteen," Ben said.
"Really?" Troye raised an eyebrow, "So am I. How did you get here?"
"It's a long story," Ben said, voice barely audible, "I'll tell all of you later. It's about time you knew."
Leaving Troye with that feeling of dread, Ben left for a meeting. Brant appeared seconds later to yell them into shape.
.o0o.
It was at lunch when Tyler posed the question, "Should we even escape?"
And nobody could think of a reason why they should.
.o0o.
That night, Ben didn't bring out the equipment.
"I- I have a story to tell." Ben said, straightening out his shirt, "It's about how I was roped into this mess."
Everyone was paying attention as Ben sat down and started to speak, "I used to live in Pacific, Missouri. Of course, when you're from Small Town, Nowhere, you don't get this idea that you'll go on to do big things when you grow up. I did a lot of things- in seventh grade I was nationally recognized for my ACT scores. But there was still that problem- nobody in Missouri ever makes it to the Big Leagues. I wasn't happy with my life, and I knew I'd never become a scientist."
"So instead I joined the army." He swallowed, "At seventeen. I never had a birth record, so I could pretty much have done anything at that point. I met a- I met someone there. I fell in love with them. They brought me back here, only for us both to be prosecuted. They left me in the dust, heartbroken. They had never truly loved me, just used me for my naivety and intelligence."
"I was so sad, I was even contemplating suicide for a long time. Not like they'd notice. But then I realized how people were treated around here- you remember all the days when you didn't get fed, when you didn't have entertainment, when you were stuck in a windowless room and forced to imagine what was happening to your companions. I wanted to be the one person who wasn't evil. I wanted to be the one person who didn't make things worse- I wanted to be the only person who wasn't like Jack Garrett Brant." His face crumpled. There was a slight gasp before everyone gathered around Ben and hugged him- and suddenly it all made sense. The way his face darkened and brightened whenever he saw Brant, the was he was so quiet around him and why he was so kind to everybody. Why he wasn't as talkative on the fight days, why he was so shy and yet so accepting of everyone else.
"You are the one good person here." Dan said, "My first day out here was brutal. I had to watch my best friend tortured because I was late coming back for class."
"Thank you all," Ben said, sniffling.
"But you don't get it," His face darkened, "Being here and not being a sociopath, every fall of the very whip your friend was hit with, every death or act of torture or isolation feels like it falls squarely on your shoulders."
"I know," Dan said, "You think I don't? My best friend was tortured because of me, and Connor was killed because I was too slow."
"Dan-" Phil started to say, wanting to correct him, to say that Connor's death wasn't his fault- but rather Phil's- but Dan interrupted him.
"Yes, it is!" Dan knew exactly what Phil was going to say, and stood up, "I should've stood up for you, helped you more, done something!" There were tears in Dan's eyes.
"Dan, we all feel this way," Tyler stood up with Dan. Dan flinched away from Tyler's touch. Tyler thought back, again, to the day when he had the panic attack. He felt suffocated, like he couldn't get enough air. Tyler stepped back from Dan, and Dan stared around like a deer in headlights.
"They do horrible things here," Ben said quietly, "Horrible things that turn people into horrible monsters." He addressed Dan, "You aren't a monster. Not yet. None of you are," He looked around at the group, "Yet."
"I'd like to accredit that to you," Shane said, looking at Ben, "You've been the one to keep us sane." He turned to his friend, "Dan, deep breaths." Dan took a few breaths and- after a few minutes- sat back down, unbearably close to Phil, who just wrapped his arm around Dan and rubbed circles into his friend's shoulder to soothe him even more.
"After that, I think you might need to head in early," Ben said. And indeed, everyone was emotionally exhausted. Mark wasn't running his mouth to Jon, who wasn't talking right back, Tyler had dropped the color in his hair and it was sandy blond- its natural color. Troye was leaning into Tyler's shoulder. They all stood up and made their way to their rooms.
.o0o.
Dan laid in the dark. Before all of this, the dark terrified him, as he'd never known what was in the dark.
Now, the dark was a part of him. He couldn't possibly be scared of that, right? Still, he curled up to Phil's side and reminded himself that he literally had a human nightlight for a friend.
"Y'know," Phil murmured, "I read somewhere a story. About a little boy who was terrified of the dark. But then, the dark reached out to him and helped him to fall asleep, hiding him from the rest of the world."
That sounded almost peaceful.
Dan focused on that story. Phil sent out beams of light to stay in the corners, and they laid there, softly glowing. Dan smiled and wrapped his arms around Phil's body, pulling the older man closer.
"G'night," Dan said. Phil returned it, and the two dozed off.
.o0o.
In Dan's dream, the dark was all around him. It was filled with red, glowing eyes and flashes of sharp teeth and bursts of flame. Dan tried to shy away from the darkness, but it was everywhere.
"Please, stop," Dan whispered.
And it did.
For the first time in a long time, the darkness stopped. Instead of red, glowing eyes, there were blue ones. Instead of flashed of sharp teeth, there was soft, downy hair. Instead of bursts of fire, there were little waves of light that surrounded Dan and Phil.
"Dance?" Phil asked, grabbing Dan's hand. The two sang a melody and turned in circles, free and unpressured.
"I love you," Dan said, forgetting that it was a dream. Phil smiled and returned it, pressing his lips to Dan's forehead.
"Come with me?" Phil asked. Phil had taken away Dan's darkness, Dan would certainly go with Phil. Phil led him away to another place, perhaps another time, just as dark.
Phil's eyes turned black.
"How could I ever love you?" Phil snarled, pushing Dan away and laughing. The red eyes became intermingled with beady black ones, the sharp teeth joined shouts of 'faster!' and 'more!'. The fire became brighter and hotter, until it pressed against Dan's skin and made him want to cry.
He understood what Ben had felt.
.o0o.
"Dan?!" Phil shook him awake. Dan sat up, gasping for breath.
"What time's it?" Dan asked.
"We don't have a clock, you idiot." Phil said, glaring at him. Dan shrank away from the glare- it was just like the one Dream Phil had given him.
"I'm so- I'm so sorry," Phil immediately backtracked, "You've had a nightmare. You're fine, you're safe." He brought Dan into his embrace- just like Dream Phil had. It was warm and lovely, and Dan wanted to grip Phil tighter and run a hundred miles away at the same time. Phil started to sing, hoping to calm him down.
"America, America don't you cry." Phil said as Dan buried his face in the crook of his neck. Dan didn't tell Phil that he'd had this dream so many times that he couldn't count.
"Rise to the top of the world!" Phil said, wrapping his arms around Dan as Dan tried to regain his sense, "America, America don't you cry. Lift me up! Give me strength to press on!"
"Really?" Dan asked, chuckling, "America? What happened to your patriotism?"
"It's the first song I could think of!" Phil said defensively, "Screw you."
Dan pretended to think on it, "Maybe later."
"Dan!" Phil laughed. The two leaned back so that they were in the bed and Dan's body was still pressed against Phil's.
"I love you," The words didn't mean to slip out of Phil's mouth, but they did.
What he expected was for Dan to recoil, to storm away, to get mad.
What he didn't expect was for Dan to press his lips to Phil's temple and whisper back, "I love you too." And to start to sing in response.
"So take me back! To when I believed. To when I was unafraid, just like a thief." Dan's lips were still pressed to Phil's temple- and he hoped Dan would never remove them, "Oh the heights! That I could reach! Back when I was unafraid, just like a thief."
They went back to sleep perfectly peaceful.
And the darkness in Dan's dream never hurt him again.
What hurt him was Tyler's question, the one that had been nagging at him all day; Should we even bother trying to escape?
Was it worth it?
Was it worth the risk of losing people? Of leaving Ben behind? Of losing themselves in their attempts?
Had they already lost themselves?