My Love Will Not Let You Down
The rest of the week goes by agonizingly slow for Lexa. All she could think about is her Saturday with Alex. She even took on an extra shift at the station to keep herself busy. Sitting at home, thinking about Alex and Clarke constantly, is not healthy.
Saturday comes and Lexa is freshly showered and dressed after a 5 a.m. run, impatiently waiting for Clarke to drop off their baby girl. Lexa is sitting on the couch with her leg nervously bobbing up and down when she hears a faint knock on her door. Lexa opens up the door embarrassingly quick and sees Clarke holding a smiling Alex.
“Hi Mommy! I knocked on the doowr [door] all by myself!” Alex waves at her mommy from Clarke’s arms.
“Wow I’m impressed princess. Are you excited for today?” Lexa smiles as she opens up her door wide so that her mini me and ex could come in.
“Yeah! Mama said I get to spend the whole day withs justs yous.”
“You sure do. I was thinking maybe we can go to the zoo?”
Alex freezes in her exploration of her mommy’s house and turns around.
“THE ZOO?!” Alex smiles and gasps as she cutely covers her mouth. Lexa bursts out laughing at her daughter’s excitement and looks over at Clarke who has a knowing smile. Alex always freaks out when she gets to go to the zoo. It is hands down one of her favorite places besides the soccer field.
“Mama! Mommy is taking me to the zoo!!”
“I know baby I heard.” Clarke smiles at their adorable little daughter.
“Jasper saids that there’s a new zebwa [zebra] exa-eggsa..” Alex pauses and frowns, frustrated she forgot the big word. She looks over to Clarke. “Mama, how do say that word again?”
“Exhibit.” Clarke gently says.
“Yeah! Jasper saids there’s a new zebwa exhibit at the zoo. Can we go to that?!”
Lexa softly laughs, her emerald green eyes beaming at Alex. She’s just too cute for words. “Of course we can peanut.”
“Baby how about you go and watch some TV? I have to talk to your mommy” Clarke bends down and hugs her daughter. Alex kisses her cheek and runs off the the TV in the living room.
“So I’ll come pick her up around 8:30. She usually eats lunch at 12:30 and dinner around 5:30. She’ll try to trick you into buying her the big bags of candy at the zoo souvenir shop but don’t let her convince you. She will get sick from all the candy and stay up all night on a sugar high.”
Lexa carefully takes a mental note of all the things Clarke has said. Clarke can tell Lexa looks a little overwhelmed so she takes a step closer and reassuringly squeezes her shoulder for support.
“Don’t worry. You two are going to have a fun day together. And if you need me for whatever reason, don’t hesitate to call. I’ve also written down Raven, Octavia, and my mom’s number in case I don’t pick up.”
Clarke hands her the piece of paper and Lexa stares at it while nodding. All of a sudden Lexa’s palms are sweaty and she’s nervous. What if she messes up? Oh god what if she loses Alex at the zoo?!
“Lex.” Clarke waves her hand in the older brunette’s face.
“Hmm?”
“I can tell you’re freaking out. Just relax. She’s already eaten breakfast but she might want a snack in a few hours. You’re gonna do great.”
Clarke gives Lexa a quick hug that is over much too soon, leaving both girls wishing for more contact. Clarke warmly smiles at her and goes over to Alex to say her ‘goodbyes’ and ‘I love yous.’
Once Clarke leaves, it’s just Lexa and Alex. Lexa makes her way over to the couch and sits next to her daughter. Alex, already invested into her cartoons, looks over and absentmindedly smiles at her mommy. Lexa is awkwardly sitting ever so straight on the couch, watching more of her daughter than the cartoons. This is a very important step for her. She wants to make sure her daughter has fun.
The zoo doesn’t open until 10am so they still have time to just relax. Alex scoots closer to Lexa and hugs her mommy. Alex always hugs her mama when they watch TV. Lexa is startled by the affection but all the more overjoyed. The firefighter opens her arms and Alex snuggles closer into her mommy’s embrace.
“Mommy?”
“Yes princess?”
“I can hear your heart. It’s going fast like ba boom ba boom ba boom ba boom.” Alex mimics the sound of Lexa’s fluttering heart. Lexa is just so happy to have her daughter in her arms, she can’t control the rhythm of her heart. “Are you okay?” Alex worriedly asks her mommy,
“I’m just so excited to be here with you so my heart is going a little faster. I’m okay though I promise.”
Alex accepts this answer and resumes her position lying on Lexa’s chest as Lexa gently strokes her daughter’s brown curly hair. This is perfect. This is everything Lexa has ever wanted. She’s finally home.
///
Three cups of juice and two handfuls of animal crackers later, Lexa and Alex leave the firefighter’s apartment on their quest to go to the zoo. Alex holds her mommy’s hand as they walk to the zoo, which is only a few blocks down. They pass by the park and Alex squeals because they’ve added in a new ‘big girl’ slide. Alex’s lip juts out as she begs her mommy to make a pit stop at the park. Since they have hours and no particular place to be, Lexa agrees and they make their way over to the park.
Alex first runs to the big slide but as soon as she’s about to slide down into Lexa’s waiting arms, she gets scared. The little brunette shakes her head and gets up. Lexa’s brows furrow in confusion as her little girls huffs and puffs as she stomps to an empty bench. Lexa walks over to her and sits down.
“What’s wrong peanut?” Lexa sweetly asks.
“Nothing. The new slide is silly. Can we just go to the zoo?” Alex’s face is scrunched up and angry but Lexa knows her daughter is just embarrassed because she got scared of the slide. How does Lexa know this? Well I guess you could say a mother always knows. Lexa has been so scared herself. She’s been scared that her so called ‘mother’s intuition’ would never kick in but what she didn’t realize is that it already has..back when they were at the amusement park. Lexa soothed her daughter’s fears then and she will do the same now.
“Sure thing baby. But do you mind if I try out the new slide first?” Lexa cautiously asks, hoping she’s making the right move.
Alex looks up and her curiously but nevertheless nods. Alex waiting at the end of the slide off to the side as Lexa squeezes through the children’s play gym to get to the slide that has proven daunting to her 6 year old.
Alex is nervous. What if her mommy gets broken on the ‘big girl’ slide? Alex really really wants to go on the ‘big girl’ slide but she’s scared. Her mommy is so cool. Her mommy doesn’t let fear stop her from doing what she wants. She wants to be just like her mommy and her mama too of course.
“Alrighty here I go!” Lexa dramatically yells out to Alex as she slides do the curvy rather large for little kids slide.
Alex holds her breath as her mommy comes down the slide. Lexa jumps off the slide and smiles at her little girl. Alex’s mouth is open in an ‘o’ form and her eyes are wide. Wow her mommy is so cool! Maybe if her mommy could go on the slide, she can too?
“Woooow.” Alex mumbles and Lexa smiles, pretending not to hear her little girl.
“Okay ready to go to the zoo now?” Lexa innocently asks and Alex shakes her head.
“Mommy can I try to the slide again?”
Lexa’s smile brightens. “Of course I’ll wait right here to catch you.”
“You don’ts have to catches me Mommy. I can do it all by myselfs just like you.”
Alex has a serious face on as she climbs the stairs to the slide. She’s determined to face her fears. She gets to the top of the slide and looks over to see her mommy giving her a thumbs up and smiling at her.
Alex smiles back at her and sits down on the cold metal of the slide. Alex closes her eyes briefly. “Come on you can do it just like mommy!” Alex whispers words of reassurance to herself before pushing herself down the slide. The first part of the slide down is really scary and Alex thinks she has made a mistake but then it’s actually really funny. By the end, she’s smiling and laughing. Alex jumps off and hugs her mommy.
“Looks! Looks what I did!” Alex squeals and jumps up and down. Lexa is so proud her baby girl for facing her fears. She knows it was only a slide but to a 6 year old, a big slide can be a big deal. Lexa just wants Alex to know that she can do whatever she puts her mind to. She’s glad she was able to get through to her today. She feels like a real parent, not just the occasional auntie who stops by with a gift. No. She feels like she really got through to her daughter today. If Alex were to listen to Lexa’s heartbeat right now, she would hear a familiar fast paced ‘ba boom ba boom ba boom.’
Lexa looks at her phone for a second and sees a test from Clarke.
From Clarke [12:03 PM] - Hey Lex. How’s Alex?
To Clarke [12:05 PM] - She’s great. We are at the park.
From Clarke [12:03 PM] - Okay great. Take some pics. I wanna see my two girls :)
Lexa’s heart continues on at a rapid pace after Clarke’s last message. Lexa takes a quick selfie of her and Alex and sends it to Clarke. Alex is giggling in Lexa’s arms as the firefighter kisses her cheek. They’re starting to become a real family right under their own noses.
Lexa and Alex spend two more hours at the park, giggling and running around. Alex goes on the ‘big girl’ slide at least 15 more times and all because of her mommy showing her she can conquer her fears.
///
“Mommy I’m hungry. Can we get cheeseburgers before the zoo?” Alex asks as the walk on the main street of Polis.
“Sure baby. You wanna go to the diner?”
Alex shakes her head ‘no.’
“No? Huh okay. Do you have a specific place in mind then?”
“Yep!” Alex’s pops her mouth at the sound of the ‘p’ and points across the street to Grounders. “Mama says the only place to gets a good burger from in town is from Grounders.”
Lexa smiles and silently agrees.
“You know I used to work there when me and your mama were younger.” Lexa offhandedly mentions as they wait for the streetlight to change from green to red. Alex looks up at her in awe. Her mommy just keeps getting cooler and cooler.
“No way!!”
“Yes way.”
“Wow that’s so cool. I really likes their burgers. Mama does too.” Alex keeps cutely babbling about cheeseburgers while they wait to be seated.
They order two cheeseburgers, one water, and one shirley temple with extra cherries (anything for Lexa’s little princess of course). Alex slurps up half her drink before Lexa laughs and softly tells her to slow down so she doesn’t get a tummyache. Alex tells Lexa about her best friend Jasper and how he tried to kiss her on the cheek last week. Lexa’s face pales considerably and she mumbles something about locking Alex away until she’s thirty. The 6 year old pays no mind to her silly mommy’s mumbling and keeps talking about Jasper, and soccer, her art teacher Ms. Andrews, and her long standing desire to get a puppy. Finally their food comes, and they begin to dig in. Alex has some ketchup on her face and Lexa laughs at how messy of an eater her kid is as she wipes it off her cheeks.
“So I have another questions.”
Lexa smiles and nods for her girl to continue. Clarke has mentioned to Lexa on various occasions that their little girl is very curious and will continually ask many questions throughout each day. Alex is also very observant so she picks up on things a normal 6 year old might not...like how much her mommies love each other.
“Where did you meet my mama?”
“It was her first day of high school. I was a year older than her. We became best friends after that.” Lexa says as she nervously smiles. She hopes Alex doesn’t ask more questions about her and Clarke’s relationship. She has no clue what Clarke wants their daughter to know.
Alex looks deep in thought as she takes another bite out of her burger.
“Mama said you had to leave cause of bad guys. What did they do??”
Shit. The only thing worse than Alex asking about her and Clarke’s relationship was her asking about the ‘bad guys’ that made Lexa leave her. Lexa looks shaken up by the question. She swallows hard before softly smiling and answering. She knew this day will come. The day where Alex asks her why she had to leave her and Clarke all those years ago.
“The bad guys were very mean to me and-” Lexa stops just short of saying ‘my sister.’ She knows that if she mentions Anya, Alex will want to meet her. She’s just not ready for that yet. And neither is Clarke. As much as it pains Lexa’s heart to ignore Anya’s existence, it’s best to just not mention Anya at all to Alex for the time being. “I had to leave to protect you and your mama and everyone else I love like Uncle Lincoln. I’m so sorry for not being here for you Alex. I promise I’ll never leave you again, okay?”
Lexa can feel herself get teary eyed as her daughter looks up at her with a messy ketchup ridden face and big curious emerald green pools.
“I’m glad the bad guys have gones aways so you could come back. I wove you mommy.”
Alex chirpily chomps away at her burger and Lexa releases a watery laugh. Her daughter is resilient and oh so compassionate, just like Clarke. The rest of their conversation is considerably lighter. Alex doesn’t ask anymore heavy questions and the pair goes back to laughing.
Lexa pays the bill and Alex asks her if they could go to the bathroom before they leave. Lexa walks her to the public girls restroom and waits outside the stall for her. When Alex is watching her hands, a familiar figure walks in. Ontari Sanders.
Ontari is on her phone, checking emails and not paying attention to the other people in the bathroom. Lexa clenches her jaw and prays that the dark haired woman doesn’t look up and doesn’t recognize her. But of course she does. Ontari glances up from her phone quickly before looking done. She freezes in her spot and looks back at Lexa with recognition evident in her eyes.
“Lexa right?” Ontari says and Alex turns around to see who is talking to her mommy.
“Ontawi!” Alex squeals excitedly and runs up to give Ontari a hug. Lexa just stands there dumbfounded. Ontari and Clarke’s relationship must have been serious if Alex feels so comfortable around the chef. Jealously coils in Lexa’s stomach.
“Oh my god Alex!! You’ve gotten so big.” Ontari bends down in her tight pencil skirt and hugs the little girl. Alex smiles at Ontari and pulls her over to her mommy.
“Mommy this is Ontawi. Ontawi this is my mommy Lexa. I have the same name as her!”
“You do? Wow that’s so cool!” Ontari turns from Alex and looks to Lexa. “It’s nice to see you again Lexa.” Ontari holds out her hand as a white flag. Lexa can tell that Ontari is trying to make up for the other night.
Lexa politely smiles at Ontari. This woman kissed Clarke just a few days ago. Her Clarke! Lexa shakes her head from those thoughts.
“You as well.” Lexa shakes her hand, showing off her strong handshake in the process. Ontari is not a bad person. She seems like a lovely woman actually. Lexa can see why Clarke was attracted to her. She can see why Alex loves her too. And god does she know why Ontari loves Clarke. I mean Clarke is...well there are no words to describe the blonde. And now she has a chance to be with her. Maybe someday. Lexa hopes that they can get their shit together before it’s too late and another Ontari comes in and swoops Clarke away.
“Alex we gotta go sweetie if we want to make it to the zoo.” Lexa smiles at her daughter whose eyes light up at the mention of the zoo.
“Bye bye Ontawi!” Alex hugs the dark haired woman again and grabs a hold of her mommy’s hand, tugging her out of the bathroom.
“Nice talking to you again.” Lexa calls out as her daughter pulls her out of the bathroom. Lexa realizes something very important. She was jealous of Ontari... but for reasons beside her being Clarke’s past lover. I mean sure Clarke sharing a bed with the woman isn’t a pleasant thought. But she was more so jealous that his woman was in her family’s life when she couldn’t be. She saw parts of Alex’s life that Lexa will never be able to experience. It’s only icing on the jealousy cake that she’s seen Clarke naked. At the end of the day though, Clarke chose Lexa. She chose her not Ontari. She can’t blame Ontari for wanting a second chance with Clarke. She wants the same exact thing. And Lexa will do everything in her power to make sure that this time, her and the love of her life will last.
///
Lexa and Alex finally arrive at the zoo around 1pm. Alex jumps up and down as soon as they enter the park. She grabs a map and points at all the exhibits she wants to see. First up, according to Alex, is the ‘Monkey Mania’. Then the ‘World of Birds.’ Then ‘Jungle Land.’ Followed by ‘African Wildlife.’ And last but certainly not least, the pony rides!
“Mommy look at the monkeys! They’re so funny.” Alex giggles as she presses her face against the glass and makes funny faces at the monkeys.
“Peanut don’t put your face against the glass. They’re germs.” Lexa says as she grabs a wipe and cleans Alex’s face.
“Mommyyyyyyy” Alex whines as Lexa cleans her cheeks.
“There all done.” Lexa smiles and kisses her forehead before booping Alex’s cute little button nose.
“Mama does the same thing.” Alex adorably grumbles before tugging Lexa along to the ‘World of Birds.’
Aside from an incident where a bird shit on Lexa’s shoulder, the zoo trip goes off without a hitch. Alex rides the ponies 3 times before wiping herself out. They leave the zoo around 5 pm at closing time and Alex is exhausted. Lexa buys her a cute little horse stuffed animal. Alex snuggles the plush toy the whole walk home as Lexa carries her tired little girl in her arms.
When they get back to Lexa’s, the firefighter cooks fish tacos for dinner. Alex eats them all up and of course ends up with food mushed on her face. Lexa playfully mumbles something about trying to keep all the food in her mouth and not on her face as she wipes Alex’s cheeks.
Lexa rents the first Shrek movie and cuddles up on the couch with a very tired Alex in her arms. Midway through the movie the 6 year old dozes off, lightly snoring. Lexa stares down at her little mini me with all the love and adoration in the world. Her life has never been more perfect than in this moment. The only thing that would make it better would be if Clarke was beside her. Lexa watches her little girl sleep. She sees the little puffs of breath escape Alex’s mouth as she drools on the arm of Lexa’s sweatshirt. Her daughter is just too damn adorable. Lexa stays like that, admiring her little girl’s beauty for about 20 minutes before she falls asleep herself.
Clarke comes over at 8:30 and eagerly knocks on the door. She called Lexa twice on the way to the firefighter’s apartment but there was no response. Clarke assumes Lexa probably is too busy with Alex jumping off the walls with energy. Alex was so excited this morning to see Lexa and spend the day with her. Clarke didn’t want to be that overbearing mom that texted Lexa a million times to check in and see if Alex was okay. Even when Alex is with Raven or even her mom, Clarke is always calling to check in on her little baby. She’s very protective. But today, when Alex was with Lexa, she felt relaxed. I guess her subconscious just knows that Lexa is her and Alex’s home too.
Clarke knocks on the door a few times but nobody answers. She can hear the muffled sounds of a familiar movie playing inside the apartment and assumes that Lexa can’t hear her over the TV. After a minute or two, the blonde hesitantly lets herself in to her ex’s apartment and finds the cutest sight she’s ever seen. Alex all snuggled up in Lexa’s muscular arms, both mother and daughter fast asleep. Clarke smiles so wide and feels her heart beating out of it’s chest for the older brunette. It takes all of her self restraint not to cuddle up with her two favorite people in the world. The blonde instead settles to take a picture of her two sleeping beauties. Lexa wakes up at the sound of the camera going off and the flash. She groggily opens her eyes up and sees a smirking blonde a few feet away from her.
“So you wake up from a camera going off but not my multiple phone calls and excessive knocks on your front door.” Clarke playfully teases.
“Clarke?” Lexa sleepily mumbles as she rubs her eyes, becoming less and less disoriented from her slumber.
“The one and only.” Clarke’s smile falters a little, realizing that her ex might not be happy she just waltzed into her apartment. “I’m uh sorry for just walking in but you weren’t answering your phone or the door and your door was unlocked so I figured I would let myself in.” Clarke finishes her little spiel to find Lexa smirking at her. Lexa always loved when Clarke got flustered and rambled.
“No no please continue. You know how much I love it when you get all tongue tied.”
“Yeah I think you just love anything involving my tongue.” Clarke said out loud without even thinking. As soon as she said it, both her and Lexa’s cheeks grew beat red.
“That’s uh..that’s actually very true.” Lexa chuckled and shook her head.
After a moment of awkward silence, Clarke spoke up.
“So I take it you tired this little monster out huh?”
Lexa smiles down at Alex, who is now clutching on her sweatshirt for dear life to make sure Lexa doesn’t leave her. Clarke sits next to them on the couch and gentle caresses the curly locks out of Alex’s scrunched up face.
“More like she tired me out. We went to the park and the for cheeseburgers at Grounders. Then the zoo and I cooked her some fish tacos. By the time I popped in Shrek, she was wiped. It was a really good day though. One of the best days of my life if I’m being honest.” Lexa finally looks and meets Clarke’s gaze. Clarke is looking at her like she used to look at her. Like she was the only person who’s ever seen her and vice versa. Like she’s the only person that have ever mattered to her and will ever matter to her (although that’s not true now since Alex is in the picture). Like she’s everything.
“It sounds like you guys were busy! I’m glad you had a good day with our daughter Lex. You both deserve to know eachother better. Maybe this can become a weekly thing if you’re interested.”
“Yes!” Lexa whisper screams, conscious not to wake Alex up. Clarke laughs lightly at her ex’s enthusiasm. “Definitely yes. I will never say no to spending more time with Alex. I love her so much Clarke. It’s insane how much I love her.”
“That’s how I felt when I first held her in my arms. She opened her tiny little eyes and all I saw was green. I felt like she just shot a spear in my chest. I couldn’t breathe, couldn’t think. All I could feel was love and an overwhelming sensation to protect her. Those feelings have never gone away.”
“I wish I was there.” Lexa sadly smiles.
“You might not have been there Lex, but you are here now. I know you beat yourself up for missing out on so much of Alex’s life, but it’s not your fault. You do get that right?” Clarke softly questions.
Lexa nods. “I do. I know that. But it’s still tough. It’s hard for me to process that so much has happened since I left. The pain was unbearable at first, knowing that I left you to raise our beautiful daughter alone. But it’s getting better. Each time I look into your eyes or see her wide goofy smile, it gets a little better. You guys make me better.”
Lexa audibly gulps. She swears Clarke is looking into her soul right now with her cerulean piercing eyes.
“You make me better too Lex. You’re..I’m not sure if I’m allowed to say this given the circumstances but..” Clarke briefly glances at Alex to make sure she’s still asleep. “You are everything to me. And I’m...I’m just so glad you’re here. That you’re real and in front of me.” Clarke gently touches Lexa’s cheek and the firefighter closes her eyes to the touch, savoring her ex lover’s gentle hand tracing her jawline.
Lexa’s eyes flutter open and blue meets green. It’s an intense moment but there is no movement on either sides to kiss or even crave any further physical intimacy because the sheer emotional intensity of this moment is impacting enough. After what feels like hours, Lexa breaks the silence with a dry throat.
“I’m glad I’m here with you too Clarke.” Lexa smiles and Clarke retracts her hand, the moment over. Alex begins to toss and turn in her sleep and soon enough wakes up enough for Lexa to hand her off to Clarke. Clarke carries Alex in her arms and bids Lexa a quick farewell. To outsiders, their goodbye is just a brief parting of ways between ex lovers and present co parents. But to Lexa and Clarke, their eyes convey all the love permeating between one another, waiting to be unleashed yet again.