Blame It On Me
“Clarke.”
“You knew where Lexa was this whole fucking time?!”
Clarke stalked up to Bellamy, fury evident in her eyes. She only caught onto the last part of the conversation when Bellamy was talking about how he broke both of their trusts, but she heard enough to connect the dots.
“Shit no Clarke I didn’t know where she was I promise.”
“Then what were you two just talking about? You’re hiding something from me. Explain.”
Clarke’s voice is stern and directed mostly at Bellamy. She is hurt that Lexa didn’t trust her with the reason why she left but trusted Bellamy. But she is furious at Bellamy. If this is true and he knew, he should have told her.
Lexa cuts in because quite frankly she didn’t want to hear anymore bullshit spew out of Bellamy’s mouth.
“Clarke, when I was leaving town I ran into Bellamy. I was bruised and messed up and he refused to let me go until I told him what happened. I only told him to make sure he didn’t go back and tell you he saw me.”
Lexa sees the flash of pain in Clarke’s eyes but nevertheless continues. Lexa is so tired of this conversation. She just wants it to be done with before she pummels Blake to the floor. The older brunette knows what Clarke is going to ask next ‘Why couldn't you tell me? Why couldn’t you trust me?’ so she answers the questions before they’re even answered.
“You couldn’t know why I left because it wasn’t safe. It wasn’t about trust. If you knew, you would have never stopped looking for me. You would have gotten yourself involved in a dangerous game and got yourself killed. I know you Clarke. You’re driven to fix everything but there was nothing you could do. And now that I know you were pregnant too, I stand by my decision even more so. I couldn’t risk putting you in danger. I told Bellamy to protect you when I couldn’t anymore.”
Clarke’s eyes softened considerably. At first, she assumed Bellamy was in communication with Lexa all these years. She felt like she was being played by both of them. She still feels a little betrayed but not by Lexa. Lexa did what she had to. Now she just feels bad for jumping to conclusions again. Lexa looks look emotionally drained like she’s about to pass out.
“Oh..I - oh.”
Lexa stoically nods a little and walks upstairs to get her things. Clarke looks flustered and confused so she leaves her to gather her thoughts. She doesn’t want to be here anymore. If that means taking the most expensive cab ride of her life then so be it. She really needs to get out of here.
///
Clarke watches Lexa walk away. She wants to go after her but she doesn’t know what to say. This whole situation is so fucked. She knows that Lexa is slipping into her apathetic stoic facade right now because she can’t take the onslaught of negative emotions. She knows Lexa is shutting down on her but she can’t do anything about it. She’s frozen.
Bellamy is awkwardly standing in the middle of them room, rubbing at his bruised jaw. Clarke directs her attention to him.
“Bellamy what the fuck? You knew?”
“Yeah I did.”
“Lexa made you promise not to tell me?”
“Yeah she did.”
“What’s with the one word fucking answers?!”
“I don’t know what else to say! I slept you even though I knew she left to protect you, to protect all of us. I knew that leaving was the hardest thing for her to do. I knew she would never stop loving you and you would never stop loving her. I knew all of this and despite all of this knowledge, I still slept with you. I slept with my best friend’s ex. You slept with your ex’s best friend. It’s a shitshow Clarke. I don’t know what else to say. I wanted to tell her as soon as she came back but it wasn’t my place so I avoided her. I didn’t come to Lincoln’s get together last month and I barely talked to her last night because I can’t look her in the eye. It took me a long time to even look you in the eye.”
Clarke plopped down on the couch. This is all so fucked up.
“We both fucked up Bellamy. We never should have slept together.. It’s not just on you, but the difference is that you knew the truth! I thought Lexa abandoned me. You knew though. I could look past the fact that you kept why she left a secret for so long because you were trying to protect us but goddamnit Bellamy! Last year should have never happened. I knew when I eventually told her about what happened between us, she would be upset. But I never imagined this. She must feel so betrayed.”
Bellamy just stared blankly at her, desperately trying to think of something to say..anything.
“Of course you have nothing to say. I don’t want to talk to you Bellamy. I’m so pissed off at this situation. Just please leave me alone. I need to fix things with Lexa and all you’re doing is adding more fuel to the fire.”
Clarke disappointedly shakes her head as Bellamy, shoulders sagging, goes to the backyard to mope to Murphy.
“Guys, I know you’re listening so you might as well come in here.”
Octavia and Raven guilty walk out from the shadows of the hallway.
“O, can I take your car? I need to get out of here.”
“Of course. Here.”
Octavia hands over the keys to the blonde. She loves her brother but right now she’s so damn angry at him. Octavia hasn’t been the biggest advocate for Lexa lately but this is just messed up. She can’t help but feel for the older girl.
Clarke seems emotionally distraught but Raven realizes she needs a dose of some tough love. If her and Lexa are ever going to have a second chance, Clarke needs to try and let go of the past. She needs to try and see if from Lexa’s side. All Clarke has been saying is ‘me,me,me.’ She needs to really listen to Lexa and actually hear her.
“Clarke you need to go and talk to Lexa. You’re kind of in the wrong here. You came in here demanding answers about things you don’t even know about. I’m not saying that you should apologize for sleeping with Bell but I think you need to ease up a bit on her, yeah? Think about the emotional rollercoaster she’s been on this weekend. Hell, think about how much she’s had to deal with since she’s came back.”
Clarke looks like she’s about to open her mouth but Raven puts her hand up in an effort to silence her.
“I know you love her and you know you love her, but does she know that? Look I’m not trying to discredit what you’ve been through in her absence but what about her? She lost out on so much and she was alone throughout most of it. You had a huge support system but who did Lexa have? Anya? I know what she does when she’s upset. She shuts down. Can you imagine what she must have done when she had to leave you? God Clarke that girl probably tortured herself over it. She probably convinced herself she didn’t deserve love, platonic or otherwise. I don’t know why she left but from what you’ve told us, it wasn’t her fault. So why are you so mad?”
“Yeah but Clarke said that Lexa waited almost a year to make contact again once she could.” Octavia interjects before Clarke can respond to Raven. Raven rolls her eyes a bit. She understands why Octavia is so protective but this is getting old.
“O, let Clarke speak.” Raven softly but firmly says. She’s not looking for a fight. She’s just trying to get through to Clarke. The blonde can be very stubborn when she wants and right now is no different.
Clarke stares at the wall as if she’s in deep thought.
“I need to go talk to Lexa.”
The blonde launches herself off the couch, only turning around to send a silent ‘thank you’ with her eyes to Raven.
///
Lexa is hurriedly packing all her belongings into her duffel bag. She’s already called a cab. Everytime she closes her eyes, she pictures it. Bellamy kissing Clarke. Touching her. It makes her sick. She can’t believe she entrusted Bellamy with the love of her life’s life. She can’t believe the man she once thought of as a brother betrayed her so.
Lexa doesn’t bother to turn around when the door to the bedroom creaks open.
“Lex..”
Clarke. Her Clarke. She doesn’t even know how she feels toward the blonde right now. She loves her so much it hurts. But Clarke had sex with Bellamy. The firefighter realizes she really has no right to be mad at her ex. They weren’t together and Clarke didn’t know the truth. But she’s still hurt. It fucking hurts so much.
Lexa stays silents as she finishes packing her things. Clarke awkwardly stands in the corner of the room, unsure of what to say or do.
“You’re leaving?”
Lexa mumbles out a quick yes and continues what she’s doing.
“Lex please talk to me. I - I can drive you home. O gave me her keys.”
“That’s not necessary Clarke.”
“How else are you planning on getting home?”
“I already called a cab.”
“A cab?! Lexa, that will cost you an insane amount of money.”
“It’s fine Clarke. I can afford it.”
“Look I’m driving home early anyways. I’m not exactly in the party mood anymore. We are both going the same way.”
Lexa doesn’t say anything, thinking her options. Does she really want to be trapped in the car with Clarke for an hour? It’s not that she doesn’t want to talk this out with Clarke, she does. She’s just not quite sure what she wants to say right now. Clarke continues speaking when she realizes Lexa isn’t going to say anything.
“I know you’re probably mad at me. You don’t even have to talk to me if you don’t want to. We can just listen to the radio.”
“I’m not mad at you Clarke.”
“Oh okay I just..um downstairs you seemed upset.”
“That’s because I am upset. It’s not everyday you find out the love of your life had sex with someone you considered a brother. I am upset Clarke. Just not specifically at you.”
“Lexa..I am so sorry. I was going to tell you everything I swear.”
“You don’t owe me anything Clarke.” Lexa dejectedly mumbles and tries to walk past the blonde but Clarke gently grabs her wrist.
“Hey stop that. Stop diminishing your feelings. I might not owe you an apology for sleeping with Bellamy but I am sorry this has hurt you. I’ve only been focusing on how I feel these past few weeks and it was shitty of me. I’m sorry for that too. Just - just let me give you a ride home please.”
Lexa looks into Clarke’s eyes, searching for sincerity behind her words. When the older brunette is satisfied she nods.
“Okay good. Let me get my things and we can leave. You can come with me if you want.”
Lexa follows Clarke into her room. The bed sheets and blankets are still in disarray from Clarke and Lexa’s late night activities. Clarke’s clothes are still scattered on the floor right where Lexa threw them. The exes try to ignore the tension in the room.
Just last night they were in that very bed, intimate and bare, exploring each other again for the first time in 7 years. It might have been fast and rough but it was all Clarke and Lexa. It was in Clarke’s loud moans and Lexa’s tiny gasps of pleasure. It was in the way Clarke’s back arched when Lexa hit the blonde’s walls just right. It was in Lexa’s tender caresses and soft words despite the primal nature of their love making. It was in all of this that their bodies found their way to each other again. Last night might have made things entirely too complicated to fathom at the moment given the turn of events today has brought them, but while it was happening, last night was fucking raw and beautiful. It was the most honest of encounters either have experienced and it left both of them vulnerable and exposed in the most sensual and haunting of ways. It’s not something you can just ignore and it’s cause both girls heads to spin.
Clarke clears her throat, successfully lulling them out of their daze.
“Um just give me a minute and we can uh leave.”
Clarke packs up rather quickly. The pair goes downstairs. Everyone in in the backyard except Octavia and Lincoln who are in the kitchen talking in low hushed whispers. Bellamy looks like he wants to come in and apologize again, but Murphy holds him off. Good thing too cause Lexa would no doubt punch him again..maybe even break his pretty little nose. After saying quick goodbyes and apologies to the couple, Clarke and Lexa leave.
The first half of the car ride is silent. Clarke quietly hums while driving, occasionally throw a nervous glance Lexa's way. The blonde doesn’t know how to start this dreaded conversation. Lexa is leaning against the window with her eyes closed, desperately trying to drown out the images of Bellamy and Clarke together. It’s no use though. The thought keeps festering in her mind. Her whole body is stiff and she’s gripping onto the armrests so tight that her knuckles are ghost white. Clarke notices Lexa’s tense posture immediately.
“Lex you okay?”
Lexa snorts a little and looks at Clarke incredulously, her eyes screaming “really?”
“Sorry dumb question.” Clarke mumbles and looks back at the road.
“No it wasn’t a dumb question. I’m sorry I’m just in my own head.”
“You don’t have to apologize Lexa.”
“So you’re not pissed about me telling Bellamy the truth all those years ago?” Lexa is genuinely curious. She knows Clarke shouldn’t be mad but the way the blonde reacted before she might think Lexa was lying by omission.
“Honestly? At first I was a little upset. When I overheard you and Bellamy, I only heard a portion of the conversation so it sounded like you were in contact with Bellamy this whole time. Apparently that’s not the case though.”
Lexa understandably nods and urges the girl to continue. She wants to see where Clarke’s headspace is at right now.
“Lexa you were put in an impossible situation all those years ago. I’m starting to see that. Raven was right. I’ve been pretty obtuse about this whole situation. I just - I don’t know how to deal with my emotions that well. I know how to take care of everyone else but when it comes to you know us..I think I’m stuck on stupid or something.”
Lexa chuckles a little but still doesn’t say anything, forcing Clarke to rant onwards.
“Basically I think I’ve been going about this all wrong. And I’m sorry about that. I really am. And I’m sorry for sleeping with Bellamy.”
Clarke takes a chance and looks over at Lexa, who now looks tense as ever. The small reserved smile wiped clean from her face.
“Clarke you don’t have to -”
“No I am sorry for sleeping with him. I regretted immediately. I know the whole ‘we were drunk’ thing is a copout. I don’t know Bellamy’s reasons behind it but I know myself. I guess I just wanted to lose control. I’m always bottling stuff in until it explodes. Sometimes I just want to let loose and he was there.”
“You know I’m not angry at you for sleeping with him right? Am I upset? Hell yes. But not at you. I’m furious at Bellamy sure but I can never find it in me to be angry at you. You’re my weakness Clarke. I know you’ve been with other people, so have I. It’s been 7 years. I just hate that Bellamy was one of them. He was suppose to protect you. He was suppose to be my brother. He really betrayed me and I don’t know if I can see past it. The fact that I can’t stop picturing it isn’t helping either.”
Clarke doesn’t love hearing that Lexa has been with other people. Obviously she realizes her ex has slept with others but it wasn’t something she loved hearing about, even in the most brief of sentiments. The blonde can only imagine how Lexa feels knowing Bellamy slept with Clarke. Her blood must have been boiling when she found out.
“This whole situation is fucked isn’t it?”
Clarke’s question is more of a rhetorical question but Lexa nevertheless grimly responds.
“Maybe it is.”
Clarke swallows the lump in her throat.
“Do you think too much has happened between us for this to work?”
“I don’t know but I want to try. Despite everything Clarke, I’ll always love you. I know you’re not sure if you feel the same but -”
“I do.” Clarke whispers.
Lexa’s heart is pounding out of her chest.
“You do what?” Lexa dares to ask back.
“I do feel the same. I love you too.”
Clarke turns into a woodsy deserted area off the back road and parks her car. This isn’t something to talk about while driving. Lexa is stunned into silence.
“I love you Lex. I - I meant what I said about not being sure what I felt for you but being close to you again..it made me realize that although I might have suppressed my love for you for a long time, I never stopped loving you. I still want to take things slow. I’m still working on trusting you again. I know this past weekend has made things thirty times more complicated if not more than that, but I still want to try. I mean we should probably avoid having sex again..at least for now. Just start off slow. Maybe go for dinner sometime next week?”
Lexa’s heart is happy but her mind is a mess. She loves Clarke. This is all she’s wanted to hear from the blonde’s mouth since the start. But now everything feels tainted and she knows that’s not how they should start this - whatever this is. Lexa grabs Clarke’s hand and kisses her palm.
“You know I love you and you know I want to be with you more than anything..but - but I think I need a breather. I think we need some time before we jump into this. I can’t stop picturing you and Bell. Everything feels rushed and forced. I want this to feel good when we finally find our way to each other. I want to only focus on you. I don’t want to have anything else in the back of my head ruining it.”
Those words were probably the hardest thing for Lexa ever to say, but it’s the truth. Clarke has been inconsistent with her emotions and actions. It’s almost like she’s trying to force herself to give Lexa a second chance when she’s not ready.
“That’s fair. I’m sorry.”
Clarke nods and sadly smiles. The blonde turns her head and wipes away a stray tear.
“Clarke come here.”
Clarke unbuckles her seatbelt and scoots closer to Lexa, their foreheads pressing together.
“I love you so fucking much it hurts. There wasn’t a day that went by where I didn’t wake up thinking about your smile and go to bed dreaming about your eyes. You are the one for me Clarke Griffin. I left you but if I stayed, your life would have been in danger. I couldn’t take that chance. I don’t regret leaving, but I do regret waiting so long to contact you. I’ve made some mistakes but I’m trying my best here and I know you are too. You don’t know how hard this is for me...saying no to you. You’re telling me you’re not confused but I think you are. You say you want to take things slow. Then we sleep together. Then you say you want to take things slow again. I love you but this back and forth is killing me. I love you so much that I would take any crumb you would give to me, but it would be disrespectful to both of us and our relationship if we continue this way. I just really need you to be sure next time we try this out. I want us to be together but right now doesn’t feel right. It feels wrong.”
Clarke nods against Lexa’s forehead.
“I’m a mess aren’t I?” Clarke laughs through the tears.
“Absolutely not. You’re thinking too much. Let yourself just feel Clarke. You’ll figure it out and when you do, I’ll be here.”
“How can you be so amazing?”
“I’m really not.”
“Yes you are. I have the emotional capacity of a child and you’re over here being mature and empathetic. How are you being so understanding and loving after you just found out about Bellamy? I don’t -”
“Please let’s stop talking about Bellamy. I never want to talk about him again.”
“Okay I’m sorry.”
“And stop saying sorry Clarke. You really don’t owe me an apology.”
“Okay I’m sorry.”
“Clarke!”
“Shit sorry.”
“Ok now you’re doing it on purpose.”
Lexa laughs a little and playfully shoves Clarke away. Clarke softly smiles and starts the car up. The pair rides in silence for most of the ride. Clarke drops Lexa off at her place. Before Lexa gets out of the car, Clarke gently grabs her wrist to stop her. The firefighter shoots her a curious glance.
“We are gonna figure this out right?”
“Yeah one day we will.” Lexa throws her a gentle smile before leaving Clarke to her own thoughts. One day. Only time will tell if that day will ever come.