Make You Feel My Love
Clarke got home from Grounders and was overcome by her emotions. The last week has really done a number on her mentally. Seeing Lexa again drained her but brought her back to life at the same time. Alex is the only reason she's smiling lately. Her little girl is her lifeline.
“Mama! You’re home!!”
“Yes I am sweetie!”
With her arms wide and flailing, Alex ran over to the blonde who knelt down to intercept the younger girl’s tight hug. Alex was wearing her favorite pair of purple “jamjams” and her hair wild. She missed her mommy lately. She seemed very sad. Even when she smiled, Alex could tell something was off. So Alex decided to make her mama smile whenever she could.
“I waited up for yous. Pwease can yous read me a story?!”
“Of course. Where’s your Auntie Raven?”
“Shh she’s hiding.”
“Why is she hiding?”
Clarke chucked as her daughter looked around the room suspiciously and whispered in a low voice.
“We are playing hide and seek and I cants find her.”
“So you just gave up and let her hide for all this time?”
Alex mischievously smiled and furiously nodded, emitting the cutest giggle Clarke has ever heard. How could Clarke ever keep this little bundle of joy from Lexa? No matter Lexa’s mistakes, keeping Alex from her would be a bigger one. Clarke decides she will pick up Alex from school tomorrow and talk to the little girl about Lexa then.
“Alright I’ll tell you what. You go find Auntie Raven and I’ll go change into my pjs. Then I’ll come tuck you in and read you any story you’d like. How does that sound baby?”
“Okay!! I wove [love] you mommy.”
“I love you too my little princess.”
///
Clarke got off just in time to pick up Alex from school. The blonde was nervously waiting outside her daughter’s elementary school. This was the day she was going to tell her daughter about Lexa, her mom. She knew Alex was at the age when she was starting to ask questions about family dynamics. Clarke decided she would just rip the bandaid off.
“BOO! Haha I got you mommy.”
Clarke was startled from her thoughts. Her daughter snuck up behind her and smiled triumphantly at successfully scaring her mom. The blonde scooped up Alex in her arms and relentlessly tickled the girl until she admitted defeat.
“Alright baby girl let’s go home I have something to talk to you about.”
“Did you buy me a puppy?!”
Alex squealed and excitedly jumped around at the prospect of a new furry K9 best friend.
“Nothing like that honey. Come on the quicker we get home, the sooner you find out.”
Alex took her mom’s hand and began to tug her down the street until they got home. Alex loved surprises. Last time her mommy told her they had something to talk about she asked her if she would be okay if they moved in with their Auntie Raven. Alex loves her Auntie Raven (especially when she sneaks her ice cream).
Alex took off her shoes and plopped on the couch looking up expectantly at her mom to start talking. Clarke sat down next to her daughter and smiled sadly. She cupped her baby’s cheeks and looked into those green eyes and saw only Lexa for a minute. She was finally going to tell her daughter about her other mom. Clarke always assumed that the one day she sat down and told her daughter about her other mom she would have to explain Lexa’s permanent absence. Now the whole ordeal has a hopeful ending because her daughter will actually be able to meet Lexa.
“So Auntie Raven has mentioned to me that you’ve been asking about your other mommy?”
“Jasper said that everyone always has two parents. But I only have one.”
Alex looked down at her pink socks sadly. She loves her mommy more than anything but she’s still so confused. Where is her other mommy or daddy? Why were they hiding from her?
“I will always be your mommy Alexandria. But you have another mommy too.”
“Another mommy?!”
Alex squealed and clapped her hands excitedly. This is definitely better than a dog.
“Yes honey. She had to go away for a very long time, but now she’s back. Her name is Alexandria, but Lexa for short.”
“That's my name too mama!”
“You’re so smart. I named you after her. I know this is a lot to take in. Do you have any questions you'd like to ask?”
Alex scrunched up her cute little button nose and pondered her feelings about having another mommy. She always thought Raven was her other mommy or maybe Bellamy was her daddy. But now her mom was telling Alex that she had another mommy with the same name as her. Alex was confused but excited. She wants to meet her mommy. She doesn’t understand where she went though. Why did she leave her?
“Why did she go away?”
“Well uh some very bad guys were not very nice to her so she had to go. She never would have left us if she had a choice baby.”
Alex is quiet for a moment and Clarke holds her breath. The blonde will respect whatever her daughter wants, but a part of her hopes Alex accepts Lexa as her other mother. She knows Lexa would be an amazing mom if given a second chance. She knows that if Alex rejects Lexa it would break both Lexa and her hearts. Clarke doesn't know why she still feels so overprotective of her ex, but she does.
“Can I meet her mommy?”
“Are you sure you want to?”
“She’s my mommy too right?”
“Yes she is.”
“Then I really wanna met her.”
“Okay baby then I’ll set it up.”
Clarke is rubbing her daughter's back as they're all cuddled up on the couch. The talk went surprisingly well. After a long silence, Alex finally speaks again with a soft smile on her face.
“Hey mama?”
“Yes?”
“Do I look like her?”
Alex’s tone was so hopeful and almost like a whisper.
“You look exactly like her.”
“Really?!”
“You’ll be able to see for yourself soon.”
“This is so cool. I have another mommy!! I can’t wait to tell Jasper.”
“I’m glad you’re happy.”
“Are you happy too?”
The question took Clarke aback. Her daughter was so observant. Clarke could never get anything past the 5 year old.
“Of course I am. I’m happy if you’re happy Alex.”
“Promise?”
“I promise.”
Clarke wrapped her arms around her sweet little daughter and breathed in her lavender no tears shampoo scent from the top of her head. Alex was so resilient and loving. Clarke just dropped a bomb on her and the five year old was flashing a wide toothy smile. Alex is so excited. Lexa is so excited. Maybe Clarke can afford being a little excited too.
///
From Linc [7:00 P.M.] - So excited to see you tonight Lex!
From Linc [8:16 P.M.] - Hey. You on your way?
Lexa grabs her phone from the table and reads the messages from Lincoln. Her shift at the station lasted longer than she hoped when she got caught in a particularly dangerous fire. A local high school was having a dance when a fire broke out. A few kids were trapped in the gym. Luckily, her and Luna were able to sneak through a small window opening and get the kids to safety. Between all the chaos of the day plus the nerves of seeing all her old friends again, boy does she need a drink.
To Linc [8:20 P.M.] - Yup sorry I got caught up at work.
From Linc [8:21 P.M.] - No worries :) See ya soon.
///
Lexa arrived at the cafe shortly after she sent that text to Lincoln. It seems as if lately, Lexa was constantly consumed by nerves. Nervous that Clarke hates her. Nervous that her daughter would hate her too. Nervous. Nervous. Nervous. But today was suppose to be fun right? Surely Lincoln wouldn’t invite her over for an angry interrogation with all her old high school friends. Lincoln would never do that. Besides, he looked genuinely happy to see the brunette at the cafe the other day. Truth be told, Lexa missed her friends a lot. This could be her chance to get in everyone’s good graces again.
“Holy shit the ghost of Lexa Woods has graced us with her presence.”
Lexa heard a voice from behind approaching the door of the cafe as well. She instantly recognized it as Murphy. John Murphy was an odd addition to the high school group. At first, he was Bellamy’s asshole best friend who had anger issues and a dirty mouth with no filter whatsoever. Lexa thought him to be crass. On more than one occasion the brunette had punched him in the face during high school.
Then Emori came around. They met when he got picked up by the cops for a drunken disorderly after a particularly wild house party at the Blakes. She was also at the station after getting caught stealing. Both were trouble alone but they managed to bring the best out in each other. After that, Murphy calmed down and became much less of an asshole. By the time Clarke and Lexa started dating he was a surprisingly welcomed addition to their little group. That doesn’t mean he was no longer a smart ass. One thing is for sure, John Murphy would always be a smart ass.
“Hey Murphy. It’s been a long time.”
“You don’t say. I heard you were coming tonight. It’s nice to see you Woods.”
Wow Murphy was actually acting like a decent human. Maybe adulthood suits him a tad better than his reckless adolescence.
“Yeah it’s good to see you too.”
“So are we gonna walk in or stare at the door some more?”
Okay so Murphy was still his normal snarky self. Lexa appreciated the consistency. It gave her hope that not too much has changed with the group since she left.
///
Clarke peeled the wrapper off her beer as she nervously waited for Lexa to arrive. She already warned the group not to bombard Lexa with a million and one questions on why she left. Clarke knew how touchy of a subject that was for both of them and more than anything the blonde wanted to enjoy tonight. It’s very rare that she actually goes out without her daughter and she’s in desperate need of a night out. Alex is having a sleepover at Abby’s so she can indulge in a couple beers. After the week the blonde has had, a couple drinks wouldn’t hurt either. Besides, a nice buzz might even calm the butterflies in her stomach.
Lexa hesitantly walks in scanning the room sparsely crowded with familiar faces she once knew well. The cafe looks different at night. The lighting is a little more intimate and the tables are filled with delicious smelling foods and varied alcoholic drinks. Clarke is situated at a center table intently peeling at her beer bottle wrapper as Octavia and Bellamy prattle on over something assumingly unimportant next to her. The blonde looks amazing as always. Her cheeks are flushed from the alcohol she’s consumed but she still holds the grace and composure she always manages to carry with her. She’s wearing a brown button down that only has a few buttons actually buttoned, revealing a beige revealing tank top which perfectly accentuates her gracious breasts. Lexa has to refrain from visibly gulping at the sight of her.
“Hey Lex!!”
Lincoln captures Lexa in a big bear hug. Once they separate, the tatted man goofily grins at his long lost best friend.
“Hey Linc. Thanks for inviting me.”
“Of course. Tonight should be a lot of fun. Dinner is still cooking but help yourself to some appetizers and drinks. Almost everyone is here except Emori. She’s running late from work I think.”
“Oh okay great. Are Murphy and Emori still together?”
“Yeah they actually got married a few years back. A few of us took a trip to Vegas awhile back and they eloped.”
“Oh wow that’s insane. Good for them.”
Lexa briefly looked around the room and saw two unfamiliar faces, one sitting next to Miller the other next to Monty. Lexa subtly lowered her voice and whispered to Lincoln.
“Hey who are those two guys next to Monty and Miller?”
“Oh that’s Byran and Sterling. Sterling is Monty’s fiancee. And Miller and Bryan just got back from their honeymoon a few weeks back.”
Lexa’s eyes widen and her mouth forms an ‘o’ shape. Last time she saw Monty and Miller they were happily in love. What happened in the past few years? Apparently a lot.
“What happened to Monty and Miller?”
“Oh they broke up a couple months after Monty went to Ark U. The distance was too much. They stayed friends though. Actually Bryan introduce Monty to Sterling at a block party we had a couple years ago.”
“I see a lot has changed.”
“Yeah I guess so. I still feel like I’m in high school though.”
“Except all of you are all married or about to be.”
Lexa’s finally feeling relaxed if not slightly overwhelmed with all the new information when Octavia has to of course come barging into the conversation ruining the good vibe.
“Yeah well that could have been you too if you didn’t run away from Clarke and your daughter.”
Ouch. That one hurt. As if Lexa didn’t realize that this could have been her life for the past 7 years. She could have been going to hundreds of these reunions with Clarke by her side. Believe me, Lexa knows this whole little dream could have been hers. She doesn’t need everyone reminding her every minute about something she can’t change now. Still though, Lexa swallows her anger because she’s really just mad at herself. At the end of the day, Octavia is just trying to be a good (very very) protective friend.
“Octavia stop. Today is suppose to be fun.”
Clarke cuts into the conversation just in time before Octavia sinks her teeth in deeper. The blonde knows her best friend is just looking out for her but she just wants to have some fun with the old crew. Lexa was a part of them and these reunions always seemed a little sad and empty without her. So now she’s here and for the night Clarke wants to forget that Lexa is her ex who left without a word. She wants to forget all the messy feelings and just reunite with all of her friends that watched her grow up. Is that so much to ask?
“I’ll call a cease fire for now. You’re off the hook for the time being Woods. Enjoy it.”
Octavia stomped off to grab and drink and catch up with Murphy and Emori. Lexa turned to look at Clarke who was already looking at her with an easy smile.
“Sorry about Octavia. She’s just worries about me.”
“It’s okay Clarke. I get it.”
There was a moment where the two girls didn’t have anything to say. The last few times they saw each other it was so filled with intense emotions and deep talks. This was a lighthearted relaxed group hangout meant to be fun. Clarke didn’t know how to act around her ex and neither did Lexa.
“So do you want a drink?”
“Yeah sure.”
“Do you still drink whiskey sours?”
“They are still my preferred drink yes.”
Clarke bit her lower lip to hold back her radiant smile. Lexa felt her heart sped up to see the smile directed at her, the first genuine smile Clarke has gifted her with since high school. Lexa felt all warm and fuzzy instead and the alcohol hasn’t even hit her tongue yet.
“One whiskey sour coming up then.”
“Thanks Clarke.”
“So I just wanted to let you know that I talked to Alex.”
Lexa’s heart stopped. Clarke talked to Alex. Oh my god. This is the make or break moment. Alex could have said no and although Lexa would understand, it would shatter her heart. Lexa just stared dumbfounded at Clarke, holding in her breath, until Clarke starting speaking again.
“She is very excited to meet you.”
The brunette let out the breath she didn’t realize she was holding and a choked sob. Without thinking she reached out and held onto Clarke resting her head on her shoulder. The blonde was tense out of sheer surprise before falling into the embrace. The two girls hugged for a few more seconds before Murphy called out.
“Hey ten minutes into the party and Woods and Griffin are back at it again. It wouldn’t be a party if those two didn’t get some action in!”
“Oh shut it Murphy.”
Clarke playfully barked out as Lexa’s cheeks grew red.
“I’m sorry Clarke. I shouldn’t have hugged you like that. I - I was just so happy that Alex actually wanted to meet me.”
“It’s okay to be excited Lex. We better get back to the group but we can figure out a time and date later.”
Lexa nodded as Clarke started to walk to the party she gently grabbed Clarke’s wrist.
“Clarke wait. Just I uh wanted to thank you for all of this again. I know I can’t expect your forgiveness and I know you’re only doing this for our daughter, but still thank you so much. You’re just so selfless. I mean I know you must hate being in my presence but you’re still here. This means the world to me.”
“Lexa you made a succession of mistakes towards me, but never once did you intentionally hurt me or our daughter. You just fucked up a lot. I don’t forgive you but I could never hate you. So don’t you dare ever say that again. Now let’s go have some fun.”
Clarke smiled and went to go refresh her drink as Lexa tried to calm her heartbeat before wandering into the party to mingle with long lost but found again friends.
///
The group sat around at a big round table at the center as soon as Lincoln finished cooking. Lexa was seated in between Monty and Lincoln. Thank god not Octavia. Raven and Octavia have been icey to her the whole night, not outwardly mean but whenever she looked in their direction their faces carried their emotions. Octavia pointedly glared at her. Whereas, Raven just looked at her disappointedly occasional shaking her head.
“So Lexa you’re a firefighter now?”
Miller started off the conversation to help fill in the lull of conversation. Lexa internally reminds herself to thank that sweet boy for not asking the obvious “Why did you leave?” question.
“Yeah it’s amazing and extremely satisfying. I love it.”
“That’s great! I couldn’t deal with all that heat everyday. What station are you at?”
“Station 20 on Garner Boulevard.”
“Oh that’s the same block as my work! We should grab lunch sometime.”
“Yeah I’d like that. Where do you work?”
“I’m a social worker.”
“Wow that’s amazing. Good for you Miller. That’s an admirable job. The system is tough and the kids need all the support they can get.”
“There’s so much tragedy in the system. It’s a difficult job emotionally, but so worth it. I can tell I’m making a difference in individual lives.”
“I’m sure the kids love you.”
“Yeah most of them do. We actually are considering getting a foster license.”
Miller clasps his hands with his husband Bryan, who leans over and places a chaste kiss on his cheek.
"Aw that's incredible. Congratulations you two."
The conversation flowed easily after that. The group ate and drank and drank some more. Every now and then Lexa would allow herself to look over at Clarke. The blonde was smiling throughout the night, laughing and joking around with old friends. Lexa felt at peace for the first time in a long time. It felt like a first step in the right direction.
“Clarke, don’t forget Alex has to be at practice tomorrow at 5. I have to be back to help Octavia with inventory by 8.”
“Yeah sure thing Linc. Thanks for taking up the coaching position this year. I’m swamped at the hospital.”
“No problem you know I love that little bug.”
Lexa was naturally curious about her daughter’s life so when she heard Clarke and Lincoln talking about the little girl, she couldn’t help but interject.
“Practice?”
“She’s a natural at soccer. Forward is her favorite just like you.”
“She plays soccer?!”
Clarke smiles at Lexa’s obvious excitement over their daughter and her’s mutual interest in the sport. Clarke wasn’t kidding when she said Alex was Lexa’s mini me. Alex loves art like Clarke, but other than that she’s all Lexa. She loves soccer and has been begging her mom to let her start taking karate too. Alex is fiercely protective of her family. She’s a little ball of fire. It’s amazing because she never met Lexa. The small green eyed girl wasn’t raised by Lexa and yet, she retained the older brunette's whole personality.
“Yes. Maybe you can come to her next game.”
“Wait really???”
“Yeah. You’d actually be doing me a favor. I’ve never been the best at any and all sports. She’ll be happy to have someone there who knows a bit more about soccer.”
“I - I um yes. Of course yes. I’d love to go.”
“Good. I’ll text you the details.”
Lexa was beaming and trying to contain her nerves and excitement. She was finally going to meet her daughter. Her body was almost shaking from the overwhelming love and elation buzzing through her veins. She felt a little dizzy. This is going to happen. Oh god she couldn’t be happier if she tried.