What Am I to You?
Lexa had been in a great mood ever since her little reunion with the high school crew. It was great to see everyone again after so many years apart. So much has changed. Miller and Monty are married - and not to each other. Murphy and Emori eloped. Lincoln and Octavia are engaged. Raven is... well she’s still Raven. And then there's of course Clarke. Clarke has grown into an amazing mature woman just like Lexa always knew she would.
And now there’s Alex too. Everything is finally falling into place again. The brunette knows Clarke isn’t ready to open her heart to her again. She knows Clarke might never be ready, but she’ll wait. Lexa has always known Clarke was the one for her but now she worries that she might no longer be the one for Clarke. But that’s beside the point for now. No for now all she can think about is her impending meet up with the little adorable and oh so lovable Alex. Lexa stares at the pictures and videos Clarke sent her of their daughter multiple times a day.
The firefighter just finished up a hard long three day shift at the station. Lexa just wanted to veg out on the couch for a few hours but Nyko asked her to swing by the bar to drop off his spare set of keys he left at the station the other day. Lexa has successfully avoided the bar for the past week or so after her blowout fight with Anya. Her older sister has given her the space that she desperately needs to figure out her emotions. Part of Lexa knows that missing out on Alex’s first 7 years is partially her fault. But another part of her continually reminds her that Anya was the one who put her in this tragic position in the first place. Lexa loves her sister and knows in her heart that she was just trying to do right by Lexa the only way she knew how, but still. Anya fucked up and Lexa fucked up because of it like a sick domino effect. It’s a tough pill to swallow.
“Lexa!! Long time no see. Did you finally stop by for those drinks I owe you?”
Luna winks and quickly stands up to envelop the brunette in a much too long hug. Lexa pats her on the back and side hugs her before removing herself from the tight embrace. Luna is a sweet girl but Lexa doesn’t do work romances. Lexa doesn’t do romance period. Not since Clarke.
“I saw you yesterday Luna. I’m just dropping off Nyko’s keys he forgot at the station.”
Luna pouts and gives her best puppy dog eyes.
“Aw well you should really stay for a drink or two to relax. You seem so stiff lately. You know you should really try to relieve some of that tension.”
The intentional double meaning of Luna's words was not lost on Lexa. Wow this girl is shameless. Lexa really enjoys Luna’s company except when she’s drunk, which she apparently is now judging by the obvious slurring of her words. When Luna drinks, the girl gets very handsy and touchy feely. Two months ago after a long shift, a few of the firefighter’s went out for a few drinks. A few drinks turned into a shit ton of drinks and next thing you know Luna is sitting on Lexa’s lap pressing slobbery kisses on Lexa’s neck. Lexa gently pushed her off and brought her home. When they got to Luna’s apartment, the girl took off her dress in one fail swoop and propositioned Lexa. Lexa’s human after all and Luna’s body is built so she couldn't help but stare for a good long minute. The brunette couldn’t help the throbbing she felt in her now tight pants. After collecting her jaw off the floor, Lexa got Luna some water and left the apartment.
Luna was mortified the next morning by her actions. She told Lexa she never does that sort of thing, she’s a relationship type of gal. That comment about ‘relationships’ made Lexa confident of her decision to leave the apartment that night before anything could happen. Lexa doesn’t do relationships. Lexa is all in for a mind blowing one night stand or the occasional two night stand, but that’s it. The longest time she was with someone other than Clarke was this girl Mercedes. Mercedes was a waitress at the diner she used to work at before she became a firefighter. Mercedes and her had a friends with benefits type relationship without much of the friendship. Really, they just called one another when they were lonely and in need of a good screw. They didn't talk. They just had lots and lots of sex. That continued for about three months before Mercedes wanted something more from Lexa, something Lexa could never give. Their three month sex-a-thon fucked up working at the diner too. It was really awkward whenever they had shifts together after that. So yeah she doesn’t do anything unprofessional with her coworkers anymore. Beside the first moment she laid eyes on Clarke after all these years, she decided to wait. No more one night stands. They were just a coping mechanism. Something to do when she was lonely and sad and in need of release that wasn't drowning herself in a bottle of tequila. Lexa never though she would see the blonde again but now that she has she won't screw up any little chance she may or may not have. Lexa couldn't afford to make another mistake and she knew it.
“Sorry I would but I’m exhausted. I’m just going to go upstairs and drop this off to Nyko.”
“Okay okay. But next time I won’t let you go so easily.”
Luna lazily smirked, her eyes glazed over in a mixture of alcohol and lust. Lexa cautiously moved away from the drunk girl and went upstairs to see Nyko. Lexa was nervous that she would run into Anya. I mean the girl lives here for the time being and is a bartender downstairs. It’s totally plausible that she might run into her older sister, but so far she’s had good luck. Not for long though.
“Lexa?..”
Lexa gulped. Her sister looked worn and exhausted, donning heavy bags under her eyes. Lexa hadn’t slept much in the last three days and she still looked better than Anya.
“I’m just dropping off Nyko’s keys.”
Anya’s face fell and she solemnly nodded, refusing to look Lexa in the eyes.
“Oh okay. I’ll get out of your way. I’m sorry I know you don’t want to see me now.”
Anya started to hurry out of the room. She told Lexa she would give her space and that’s exactly what she would give her. Anya felt immense guilt for fucking up Lexa’s life. She made her innocent little sister take a human life to protect her. Anya is the older sister; she’s supposed to be the protector and she failed. She failed and now Lexa is broken. All Lexa ever wanted was a family. Anya knew Lexa loved her but the younger brunette deserved more and that’s what Clarke was. Clarke was a beacon of hope that made Lexa believe in love. And together they made a beautiful little girl. Together they made a family and Anya is the reason that her younger sister’s chance at the one thing she’s always wanted so desperately is now tainted. Anya couldn’t feel worse if she tried. The only reason she’s still sober is because she doesn’t want to cause her sister anymore unnecessary pain.
“Wait Anya. I - I’m still so mad, but it’s not all on you. It’s on me too. But I’m trying to make everything okay. I’m trying to forgive myself but before I can do that I need to try and forgive you too.”
“Lexa it’s not your fault. I’m the one who dragged you down into my dark world of drugs and gangs. I’m the one who tore you away from the love of your life and your unborn child. I’m the one -”
“I know what you’ve done Anya, you don’t need to remind me. I don't forgive you yet either. I'm not sure if I ever will completely. But I’m also the one who took a year to reach out to Clarke. I’m the one was a coward for too long. So yeah some of this is on me too. I just need some more time to breathe and cope with everything. I’m meeting my daughter soon. I need to focus on that for now.”
“Clarke is letting you see her?”
“Yes. Clarke is being very understanding. I just can’t fuck up again.”
“You won’t.”
Lexa looks unsure. The younger brunette is mad at her sister but she still loves her and remembers all the times Anya would soothe her. Anya was always the only person (besides Clarke of course) that Lexa could go to for comfort and reassurances.
“How can you be sure?”
“Because you’ve wanted a family more than anything. And I promise I won’t put you in a position where you have to choose between your sister or Clarke and your daughter again.”
“You’re right about that. You can’t -”
Lexa swallows. This is going to be hard to say even though it’s what both her and Clarke need right now.
“Anya you can’t be anywhere near my daughter. Not right now. It’s just I know you’re clean and you’re not involved in anything illegal but -”
“But Clarke doesn't. I understand.”
“It’s not just that. I don’t want you around Alex at first either.”
“Oh.”
Anya’s heart sort of deflated at that. It’s understandable but it still hurts like a bitch.
“It’s just I need to get to know her and I’m still so mad at you. And I need to be 100 percent okay with you before I let you in her life. I’m sorry I have to go this is too much. Tell Nyko I dropped his keys off.”
Lexa was shaking. Anya took a risk and grabbed the younger girl’s trembling hands which fiddled with her coworker’s keys. Anya tried to soothe the girl as she titled Lexa’s chin up to look in her eyes.
“It’s okay Lexa. You need to take care of yourself and your family. Don’t feel bad for being angry at me. It’s been a long time coming to be honest. You never got mad that I ruined your life. It’s okay to be mad. It’s okay to resent me. I’ll be waiting here when you want to talk. And before you protest, Nyko said I could start paying rent. I’m going to move in here officially at the end of the week.”
“Anya you don’t have to do that.”
“We’ve lived together for long enough Lex. You need space and so do I. I lost sight of who I am. Now that I think about it, I never really knew who I was except your sister. Go fight for your family. I’ll be here when you need me.”
“I don’t know what to say. I’m so confused Anya.”
“I know Lexa. Just walk away. Okay?”
“Okay.”
Lexa walked away with sadness and anger permeating through her body the whole car ride home. By the time she got to her apartment, she was physically drained and emotionally exhausted. She just want to sleep and then she heard her phone buzz. At this rate, she would never sleep.
From Clarke [10:07 PM] - Hey Lexa. Sorry for texting you so late. Alex has a game in two days. It’s a Randall’s Park at 6pm. If you could make it, it would mean the world to her.
Lexa was so used to her heart rate speeding up at the mention of her daughter’s name, she didn’t even realize it anymore. She grabbed her phone and answered quickly and eagerly.
To Clarke [10:08 PM] - I will be there. I’m really excited to meet her. Should I bring anything?
Lexa wasn’t really sure what to do or how to act. I mean Lexa played soccer once she got to high school, but before that she only played alone or with Anya on the public park’s soccer fields when they were empty. Lexa was a foster kid and couldn’t afford all the soccer gear and registration fees. In high school though, her coach realized her potential and found a way to waive all the fees.
Should she bring snacks? Do the parents usually bring the kid snacks?! Oh god what if she brings the wrong type of snack. Is Alex allergic to anything?? Maybe she’s gluten free or lactose intolerant. At this point, Lexa was freaking out to say the least. What if she kills the poor kid with from a peanut butter allergy?! Maybe she should invest in an epipen. You know, just to be safe. Ok calm down Lexa. Breathe. You got this. Stop overreacting and acting crazy.
To Clarke [10:10 PM] - So um is Alex allergic to anything? Lactose intolerant? Gluten free perhaps? What about peanuts or peanut butter?? I heard that's a common allergy amongst kids.
At that moment Clarke is sitting in her living room watching some post apocalyptic TV show with Raven, staring at her phone confused as fuck but amused nonetheless. Why was Lexa asking if their daughter was gluten free? Clarke giggled. Yes, she actually giggled. Clarke Griffin hasn’t giggled in god knows how long (7 years 32 days 19 hours and 56 seconds to be exact but who’s counting). Clarke could tell Lexa was nervous that she would fuck up instantly. Clarke found it endearing despite her best efforts to remain aloof towards her ex.
From Clarke [10:13 PM] - Okay first of all, breathe. Second, our daughter can and will eat anything (sound like anyone you know?). So don’t worry. And you don't have to bring anything. I was thinking after if Alex wants we can go for ice cream. Does that work for you?
Lexa was grinning from ear to ear. Of course that was more than okay with her.
To Clarke [10:13 PM] - Of course!!!
From Clarke [10:14 PM] - Are you more excited about the ice cream or our daughter? :)
Did Lexa read that right? No. Lexa shakes her head furiously. No Clarke did not send her a smiley face.. did she? Clarke is actually joking around with her. Lexa's heart swelled at the words "our daughter. For a minute, it feels like the old Clarke and Lexa conversations filled with playful banter.
To Clarke [10:15 PM] - Would it be bad if I said both?
From Clarke [10:19 PM] - Some things never change do they? Seems like your sugar obsession is still perfectly intact.
To Clarke [10:19 PM] - Well ya know taste buds don’t change.
From Clarke [10:20 PM] - Actually they do. If you want to get scientific, about 10,000 taste bud cells regenerate every few weeks or so.
God Lexa used to love when Clarke would talk science to her. Clarke’s brain was the biggest turn on for Lexa (well except for Clarke in a sports bra and tight workout shorts of course). Clarke was right though. Some things never do change and the things Clarke’s sexy science talk does to Lexa certainly hasn’t.
To Clarke [10:21 PM] - You always knew your science Griffin.
From Clarke [10:22 PM] - Being well versed in human anatomy is pretty vital to my job.
Lexa is surprised at the conversation turn. Is Clarke flirting with her? No. That’s impossible. Lexa is just projecting her hopes into her consciousness. Because Clarke wouldn’t actually flirt with her. Not now. Not yet. Right?
From Clarke [10:23 PM] - It’s late and I have a twelve hour shift starting in 7 hours. Goodnight Lexa. See you in two days.
To Clarke [10:23 PM] - It was nice talking to you Clarke. Thank you again for inviting me to Alex’s game. I can’t wait. Reshop.