Here Comes the Sun
The night of Lexa's dinner with Clarke came fast. The brunette was nervous and waiting on the edge of her seat for the blonde to arrive. Clarke walked in and her brain turned to mush. She was wearing a white button down blouse and tight black pencil skirt that perfectly traced every curve of her well sculpted ass. Her hair was in loose curls and she had very limited makeup on, giving off a natural look. Clarke looked stunning and she wasn't even trying. Lexa had to dramatically gulp before she forced herself from her chair to greet her ex lover. For a moment, she didn't think she could even get up because she was so weak in the knees.
“Hey Clarke. Thank you for meeting with me. You look beautiful.”
“Oh that's very sweet Lexa. I’m doing this for Alex though you don’t have to thank me.”
So you keep saying. Clarke needs to convince herself the only reason she’s doing this is for her daughter’s sake. The blonde can’t forgive Lexa after everything. Clarke can push aside her personal feelings for the well being of her daughter because that’s what mother’s do. But she will never allow her heart to fall into the hands of Lexa Woods again (even if secretly Clarke knows she never got it back in the first place).
“Yeah I know, but this must not be easy for you.”
“It doesn’t matter Lexa.”
“Yes. Yes it does Clarke. I want to get to know our daughter, yes. But I want to get to know you again as well.”
Before Clarke could respond to her ex’s annoyingly sincere words, the waiter came by and interrupted the much needed conversation.
“Hi welcome to Grounders. Are you two ready to order?”
“Yes. We’ll have two cheeseburgers.”
Well shit.The words flew out Clarke’s mouth before she could control herself. When Lexa used to work at Grounders all those years ago, the restaurant wasn’t as fancy as it is now. The two girls would sit on the back porch on Lexa’s breaks and eat what they proclaimed to be the ‘best cheeseburgers in Polis.’
Lexa smirked. Maybe she was wrong. Maybe Clarke was still in love with her? Or maybe she was just trying to be nice for the sake of their daughter. Maybe it was just muscle memory. After all, the former couple did eat a lot of cheeseburgers here. Maybe the blonde was just wrapped up in nostalgia. That’s what it must be. Just nostalgia.
“Ordering for me now? I see not much has changed.”
“Oh shut up you know that’s exactly what you would have ordered. 7 years doesn’t change the fact that this place has the best burgers in Polis.”
At least one thing hasn’t changed and that's the burgers at Grounders.
After some more polite small talk, Lexa decides she needs to go deeper with Clarke. She’s never been one for light conversation. Lexa was always intense and blunt and right now it seemed as if her and Clarke were dancing around the elephant in the room, afraid one wrong word will break the dam - again.
“Soo Alexandria...”
Lexa decides to start off simple. She doesn’t want to put pressure on Clarke. Lexa desperately wants to meet their daughter, but in the same wave she refuses to rush Clarke. Lexa feels like her whole world has been thrown off its axis, but Clarke must feel the same way too. Maybe even more confused. I mean Lexa knows what she wants. Clarke and Alex. But for Clarke, this must be very confusing. There are so many complicated variables in this. Lexa will be patient for Clarke. She has to.
“Most people just call her Alex.”
“Oh okay. Alex then. Did you talk to her about me yet? I don’t want to rush you. Take your time. I don’t want to overwhelm you or her more than I already have.”
“I’m going to talk to her tomorrow if this dinner goes well.”
“In that case, how am I doing so far?”
That goddamn smirk will be the death of Clarke. Lexa has always been her kryptonite especially that smirk. Whenever Clarke would get angry at Lexa all the older girl had to do was pull out the smirk and she was putty in her hands. Lexa didn’t realize the power that she wielded back then and she still doesn’t. But Clarke does and it scares the shit out of her. Because with every smirk and loving proclamation she can feel her heart softening and she just can't. She just can’t let herself be taken in by the all consuming entity that is Lexa Woods.
“Not bad, but wipe that smirk off your face. We haven’t even been served our food yet. You can still mess up.”
///
“Mm fuck I’ve missed these burgers. They gave me life after a long shift here. That seems like a lifetime ago.”
Clarke smiles sadly before nodding.
“That’s because it was.”
“Clarke I’m so sorry. I never wanted to leave you, to leave us -”
“No please don’t. We aren’t talking about us. I don’t have the energy. This past week has left me completely exhausted even Alex has noticed.”
“I’m sorry Clarke. I’m so so sorry you have no idea.”
“Quite frankly Lexa, telling me you’re sorry doesn’t mean shit to me. I want to see action. This is a big deal. This is a human life we are talking about. A child. Our child. And if you want to be a part of her life, I need to see what your life is like now. What your life has been like for the last couple of years. I don’t even know what you do for a living Lexa. I have to feel comfortable making room for you in Alex’s life. And most importantly, I need to know you aren’t going to break my daughter’s heart.”
The 'Like you broke mine' was left unsaid but still heard all the more by both girls.
“I’ll tell you everything you want to know and I’ll do anything to prove to you that I’m never leaving you two again. I promise that Clarke.”
“Your promises mean very little to me.” Clarke mutters under her breath.
“I know I hurt you Clarke, but I am trying to make it up to you and Alex. I’ll never stop trying. Just tell me what to do and I’ll do it.”
Clarke decided to throw Lexa a bone. The older girl just looks so desperate. Besides, Clarke’s stubbornness and anger is getting them nowhere. She has to at least try to listen to Lexa for Alex. That’s what she keeps telling herself. That this is all for Alex and not by any means for her. Oh how wrong she is.
“Let’s start with baby steps. Tell me about your life now. Your job, your hobbies, your friends, significant others, everything that might affect Alex.”
Ok so maybe Clarke was a bit curious. Has Lexa moved on? Sure, she keeps proclaiming it was a big mistake leaving Clarke, but that doesn’t mean the brunette isn’t seeing anyone. Not that it matters because Clarke doesn’t care. She is only doing this for her daughter. If Lexa is seeing someone, sooner than later, this significant other might cross paths with Alex. That’s definitely the only reason she’s asking.
“I’m a firefighter. After everything happened with uh Cage, I couldn’t see myself as an upholder of the law when the only thing I could see was the blood on my hands. I couldn’t even look at myself in the mirror. Just imagining myself in the uniform made me sick to my stomach. So a couple years ago when there was a fire at this little diner I was working at, I helped some people out to safety. The feeling was amazing. I didn’t feel as numb as I usually did. The rest is history. Been one for 4 years and it’s amazing.”
“I’m proud of you Lex.”
The nickname just fell out of Clarke’s mouth and it took both girls by surprise. Lexa’s heart swelled at the words and just for a moment, she forgot that awkward conversation was their reality and instead thought of the easy love they once shared.
“As far as friends, I mean you know I never made them easy. My coworkers are a really nice group of people though. I’d consider them my friends.”
“Well I’m glad you have some people in your corner. What about your dating life?”
Clarke tried to ask nonchalantly but she wasn’t fooling anyone.
“And how will who I’m seeing affect Alex?”
There it is. Clarke’s nostrils flare and her grasp on her water glass oh so subtly tightens. Lexa can tell the younger girl’s interest in who she’s dating is maybe a little self motivated. Lexa knows not to push it too much because she’s on thin ice with Clarke as it is. They aren’t at the stage where playful banter will be welcomed. But still, her ex’s words gives the brunette some hope that Clarke still loves her. And a little hope is all she really could ask for after some many years of despair.
“Well uh I need to make sure you don’t bring anyone around my daughter who is a bad influence. Like Anya.”
Clarke spat out her sister’s name with such venom. Lexa can’t blame her though. Anya fucked up one too many times. Anya is the reason why Clarke and Lexa are sitting so stiff and heartbroken at this table, trying desperately to pick up the pieces. Lexa can’t blame Clarke for her anger because she holds the same feelings towards her sister. Lexa and Anya haven’t seen each other since the night Lexa slapped her. Anya texted her sister a long apology and said she would be staying above the bar she works at for the time being.
Lexa’s co worker Nyko owns the bar and lives in the apartment above it so Lexa isn’t worried about her sister. She knows Nyko will look out for her. Anya and him became fast friends when they met awhile back when Anya brought Lexa her cell phone she forgot at home to the station. Nyko mentioned how he needed a new bartender one day and Anya jumped at the job. She’s been bartending for years, which she even admits is a tad ironic. She never had problem with alcohol though. It was the drugs that got her hooked. Still, she swore off the juice a long time ago just to be safe. Lexa has seen her sister’s guilt and struggles firsthand. So she’s trying so hard to let go of her anger, but right now it’s not going anywhere. The best thing Anya could do right now is stay far away from Lexa. The brunette would surely say something she would regret if she saw her sister right now. Space is the best option for them right now.
“For the record, I'm not seeing anyone and I have no plans to be with anyone else either. And don’t worry Clarke. Anya won’t be anyone near Alex for a long time.”
The prospect of Lexa not being with anyone else sent Clarke's heart a flutter. She felt warm and cozy inside. Shit. That's definitely not good. Clarke chooses to ignore the information that Lexa is single because it doesn't change anything. She still broke her heart. She still left. That's what matters. That's what she has to keep reminding herself.
“Good. I know she’s your sister, but I’m just not comfortable after everything you shared with me. Not yet.”
“I understand Clarke. Truly I do. I couldn’t ask for you to be more understanding after everything I’ve put you and our daughter through. You managed to create a beautiful life for Alex and yourself. I’m so sorry I’m not a part of it, but I’m also so fucking proud of you. You’re so strong. Stronger than I ever will be.”
Lexa takes a chance and reaches for Clarke’s hand and gives a quick reassuring squeeze. Clarke flinches a tad to the touch but surprisingly doesn’t pull back. Instead both girls stare at the hands waiting for the other to make another move. Clarke desperately wants to interlock their fingers together once more. Lexa wishes she could rub soothing soft circles on the blonde’s palm. The tension in the air hits an all time high as both girls hearts beat out of their chest.
“Clarke? Clarke Griffin?!”
Their moment is cut short by the soft voice of a woman who was quickly approaching their table. Clarke withdrew her hand first leaving an ache in Lexa’s heart. The mystery woman grew closer and realization dawned on Clarke’s face. Ok, so Clarke knew this person. But who is she?
“Ontari Sanders?! Oh my god!”
Clarke got out of her seat and tightly hugged the tan gorgeous woman who opened her arms wide for the petite blonde. After a hug that was much too long for Lexa’s taste, the pair broke apart still smiling.
“Wow Clarke you look amazing as ever! The years have been kind to you. How’s Alex?”
“She’s growing up so fast. I can barely believe she’s six already. What are you doing back in the states?”
“Well one of my old friends bought Grounders a couple months ago and asked me to be his new head chef. I just flew in a week ago from London. I was actually thinking about calling you when I got settled in.”
Lexa felt a surge of jealousy hit her, threatening to drown her. Since the second this Ontari character approached them, not once had Clarke looked over to her. Hell, Clarke didn’t even introduce her. Lexa loudly clears her throat hoping for this intense display of affection to end.
“I’m sorry! How rude of me. I’m Ontari Sanders. And you are?”
“Lexa Woods.”
Ontari looks as if the name bears some meaning to her. Soon enough, a look a awareness washes over him. She looks over to Clarke as if she’s silently asking a question to which the blonde shyly nods in return.
“You’re Alex’s mother.”
It was a statement rather than a question. Lexa’s taken aback. How close was this Ontari to Clarke? I mean obviously they must have been close at one point or another in order for her to know about Lexa. Did Clarke really talk about her. What did she say?
“Yes I am.”
“Oh wow I didn’t realize you two got back together.”
Clarke cuts in at the moment and rather quickly.
“We aren’t back together.”
“Ah okay. Nice to know.”
Ontari looks a little too happy with this discovery. Lexa knows she shouldn’t be jealous, but she can’t help it. This girl was blatantly expressing interesting in Clarke right in front of her. Her Clarke. Well that’s not true anymore. But it still stings. Over the years, Lexa tried not to think about Clarke dating other people. Obviously she wanted the other girl to be happy. She just wished it was with her. The brunette realizes it's a selfish thought. After all, Lexa could have had Clarke all to herself had she never left. Had she came back sooner. Lexa promised herself she would be in Clarke’s life again even if that means being just her friend. So she can’t show her jealously. It would ruin all the improvement she’s made with the blonde.
“So Ontari, how do you know Clarke?”
“Oh uh we dated a couple of years ago before I got a job in London.”
“Oh I see.”
Ouch okay. So Clarke and Ontari were a couple once. Did they date for a long time? Were they serious? Did Ontari love Clarke? Did Clarke love her? Did Clarke introduce her to their daughter? Did Alex like her? Why did they break up? Are they going to get back together now that they miraculously reunited? Lexa had so many questions she knew she had no right to the answers to.
An awkward silence filled the air. Ever since Ontari started speaking to Lexa, Clarke had fixed her eyes on the ground. Ontari was here. And Lexa was here. Why do all her ex lovers keep popping up out of the woodwork?! Next thing you know Niylah and Bellamy are going to walk through the doors of Grounders. Seeing Lexa was confusing enough. Why did fate have to throw Ontari into the mix?
After Lexa, Clarke didn’t date for a very long time. It wasn’t until Alex was three that she finally let Raven drag her for a girls night out while Abby watched her toddler. That’s when she met Niylah. Niylah was a sweet girl. She was in pharmacy school, studying to take over her father’s business. They met at a bar and spent the night together. It was the first person Clarke had sex with other than Lexa. When Clarke got home the next morning, she cried in her bathroom for two hours because it was in that moment she realized she needed to move on from the green eyed beauty. It was in that moment that she realized Lexa would never come back.
Clarke never saw Niylah after that night, but she was an important stepping stone in the blonde’s life. A couple months later, Clarke met Ontari. Ontari Sanders was a fresh out of culinary school ambitious chef. They met in line at the grocery store when Alex spilled her juice all over the other girl's shoes. Clarke was mortified but Ontari was so easygoing and relaxed. Alex started to cry and Ontari made a funny face and cracked a few jokes to soothe the then toddler. Clarke was done for. They started dating after that and for awhile it was perfect. It took six months for Clarke to formally introduce Ontari to her daughter. It took another three months to tell her the story of Lexa Woods. Through all this time, Clarke never said ‘I love you,’ Even if she felt it, she never said it. Because at the end of the day, Lexa Woods stole her heart and never gave it back.
After another five months of dating, Ontari was offered the job of a lifetime in London. A few years working at a world renowned restaurant and her career would be made. She asked Clarke to move with her. To start a new life with her daughter and Ontari in London. And for all of five minutes, Clarke actually considered it. Then she realized she would be running away just like Lexa did. So she turned Ontari down with a passionate night goodbye filled with tears and and a whispered ‘May we meet again.’ She didn’t really believe the words when she said them, but now here she is right in front of her.
“It’s great to see you again Ontari.”
Clarke meant these words as a goodbye. Her life was too confusing to add another ex to the mix. No thank you.
“You too Clarke. It’s always nice to see you. We should catch up soon. I’ll give you a call.”
Before Clarke could respond, Ontari winked at the blonde and turned to Lexa extending her hand for a polite handshake.
“It was nice to meet you Lexa.”
And with that Ontari retreated back into the kitchen, leaving a mess of emotions in her wake. Clarke sat back down in her seat and stared at her water glass as if it was the most interesting thing around.
“So you and Ontari dated?”
“Yeah a couple years ago. Can we talk about something else?”
“Of course Clarke.”
Even though Lexa wanted answers, the older girl figured she should drop it before Clarke felt even more uncomfortable. Besides, Lexa knew she wasn’t entitled to ask question about her ex’s dating life when she was the one who left in the first place.
The waiter comes by with the check and Lexa takes the bill. Clarke tries to pay but Lexa refuses and says it’s on her. The duo leaves the restaurant talking politely about safe topics like the weather and a new television series that just aired last week. And for a moment, everything between them seemed okay. As if this light conversation they were sharing wasn’t tinged with sadness and years lost. For a moment, they were just Clarke and Lexa. But that moment came and went much too soon.
“I’m glad we did this Lex.”
“Me too Clarke. You have no idea how good it is to see you, to talk to you again.”
“I - I feel the same way… but you’re not off the hook you know.”
“I know. I don’t deserve your forgiveness Clarke. Not yet. I know it’s going to be a long road but I’m going to be here from now on. I’ll be there for Alex… and if you let me, for you too.”
Every time Lexa speaks Clarke feels her heart slowly opening up again for the first time in 7 years and it’s a very dangerous feeling. She still doesn’t trust Lexa and her words are empty for now, but oh how badly Clarke wants to believe her.
“Just focus on being there for Alex. She needs both her moms in her life. She’s been asking about her ‘other mommy’ lately. I think she’ll be excited to meet you.”
Lexa felt an overflow of tears threatening to stain her cheeks yet again. Her daughter was asking about her, her ‘other mommy.’ Her daughter must be so confused and it's all her (and of course Anya's) fault.
“I hope I’m everything she’s hoping for.”
It kills Clarke to see Lexa in pain. The blonde moves closer to Lexa and pulls her in for a comforting hug.
“You’ll be more.”
“How can you be sure?”
Lexa’s words are just above a whisper. Her deepest fear is that her daughter will reject her, hate her for abandoning them. She would have every right too. She hopes she’s not too late. Lexa hopes that Alex will open up to her and let her in. Lexa is so afraid she’s too late though.
“Because you’re Lexa Woods. You’ve never realized the effect you have on people. She will love you I promise that. Besides, our daughter is like a mini you. You will get along perfectly. Don’t worry.”
“Thank you Clarke. You keep offering me comfort when I don’t deserve it.”
“Let me decide what you do and don’t deserve from me. Okay?”
“Okay.”
“Goodnight Lexa. I’ll see you at Lincoln’s little get together, right?”
“Yeah I’ll be there. Goodnight Clarke.”
When Lexa was walking to her car she couldn’t help the smile that formed on her face. Maybe there was a little room in her heart for some hope. Some hope that one day her family could be whole.