Motherland
“Mommy! Look what I made at school!!”
Alex runs up and tackles Clarke from behind as the blonde sits on the couch taking her shoes off after a very long emotionally exhausting day. The little girl is beaming with pride over her macaroni necklace with each shell painted a different shade of blue or green.
“Ms. Andrews said to use colors that made me happy so I used blue and green like our eyes mama. Do you like it?!”
“Of course I do baby. You’re so talented. Can I try it on?”
Alex excitedly nodded her head and placed the macaroni shell string necklace around her mother’s neck. Alex might only be six years old but she could tell her mommy has been upset since that strange lady came into Auntie Raven’s office.
“Mama. Are you still sad?”
“I’m not sad love. Don’t worry about me okay? What do you want for dinner?”
Alex peered up at the ceiling and crinkled her cute little button nose as she thought in depth about what she wanted to eat. After all, for a six year old, the little things like deciding what to eat for supper was a big decision. Oh how Clarke wishes she could go back to simpler days where that was her hardest decision of the day.
“Hmm can we have granma’s ribs?”
“You know what that actually sounds perfect. Let me call grandma and see if she’s free to come over for dinner. Okay?”
Alex seems to always have trouble with her 'r' sounds and she usually skips the 'd' in words, so Clarke always has to remind the little girl. Alex's little accent is just so darn cute though.
“YAY! I’m going to go tell Auntie Raven.”
Alex kissed her mom on the cheek before she sprinted into her aunt’s room. Meanwhile, Clarke took out her cell and dialed Abby’s home phone number. Alex doesn’t see her grandma as much as she did when they still lived with Abby. Once Octavia moved in with Lincoln two years ago, Raven needed a new roommate. Clarke was also itching to leave her mother’s house, so it was a perfect match. Clarke and her mother remained very close though. The blonde felt eternally indebted to her mother after the last few years. Clarke leaned heavily on her mother in the beginning when raising Alex. The first night Clarke had Alex in the house alone she was feeding her and freaked out. Clarke started crying because she thought her baby was choking. Turns out all the little doe eyed newborn needed was a good burp.
Abby and Clarke weren’t that close when the blonde was growing up. Clarke was always closer to her father. It was a rough few months after Lexa left. First, Clarke’s first love abandons her. Then, she finds out she’s pregnant at 17. Then, her father died in a car crash a few months before Clarke gave birth. Then a few weeks after Alex was born, Abby realized Clarke was suffering from postpartum depression.
Clarke was anxious and numb and cried for hours on end. She was no longer in control of her own emotions. The blonde constantly second guessed herself. She didn’t want to leave the house because she felt ashamed. She convinced herself that she was a horrible mother. That everything she didn’t wasn’t good enough. Clarke felt broken, like she was no longer herself, like she was having an outer body experience. Abby noticed the signs because both her and Clarke’s grandmother suffered from postpartum. Abby convinced Clarke to go to counseling and slowly things got better. Five months later, Clarke felt like herself again. She was smiling again and she learned to trust her maternal instincts. The experience made Clarke and Abby grow closer. The mother and daughter now go for to lunch at least twice a week.
“Hello”
“Hi Mom”
“Sweetie everything ok?”
“Not really. Lexa is back in town. Can you come over for dinner? Alex wants your special ribs and I can’t really deal with cooking tonight.”
“Oh Clarke. I’ll be over in 30. Let me stop at the grocery store to get some ingredients.”
“Thank you Mom. Oh and don’t mention Lexa in front of Alex. I haven’t told her anything yet.”
“Of course. I’ll see you soon. Love you.”
“Love you too Mom. See you in a bit.”
///
“Honey? I’m here!”
“Granmaa!”
Alex pops up off the kitchen chair she was doing her homework at and runs into her grandma’s arms.
“Hey there sweetie.”
“Granma, mama is sad.”
Alex speaks in a hushed whisper, to make sure her mother didn’t hear her. All little Alex wants is for her mommy to be happy again.
“Is she now? How do you know?”
“I just do Granma! You have to listen to me. Make mama smile again ok?”
"Okay baby I'll try my best."
And with that Alex skips back to her homework so she can finish up before dinner.
///
“Clarke? Are you in here?”
“Just a second Mom. I’m changing.”
Clarke walks out in sweatpants and an old Polis High t shirt. Her hair is already in a messy bun and she’s taken off her makeup, leaving her face looking fresh and bare.
“How are you holding up?”
Abby closes the door to Clarke’s bedroom and sits on the edge of her daughter’s bed, urging her to follow suit.
“I don’t know. Honestly I’m all over the place right now. I just don’t know what to feel. She told me why she left Mom. And now I’m even more confused. I want to stay mad but I can’t. I feel myself forgiving her already and I know I shouldn’t. It’s just so hard because I still lo- care for her. She’s the mother of my child after all. How could I not care for her?”
“Clarke you’re too forgiving. Before anything else though, why did she leave?”
Clarke uncomfortably shifts in her seat and avoids her mother’s gaze.
“I can’t tell you the specifics but it was for a good reason. Anya got mixed up in something dangerous and pulled Lexa into it. If they stayed, they probably would have been killed. That’s all I can say Mom. Please don’t push for more details.”
Abby was slightly irritated that her daughter refused to tell her the whole story. I mean, Abby was the one who was here the whole time. She deserves to know why Lexa left her daughter and her adorable little grandbaby, but she won’t push it. Clarke and Abby’s relationship used to be very strained because Abby was too pushy and believed her opinion was always the right one. So she learned to relax a little more and trust her daughter’s choices.
“Ok ok I won’t push. Did you tell her about Alex?”
“Yeah I did.”
“And?”
“And she’s Lexa so it broke her heart when she realized she missed out on her kid’s whole existence. It was pretty emotional. We both cried. I just - seeing her again has thrown me for a loop. I don’t trust her mom. My heart is still broken, it might never heal. I don’t want to see her again. I need to though.”
“No you don’t Clarke.”
Yes I do. She’s Alexandria’s mother. I need to put my daughter’s needs above mine. Alex deserves to know both her moms. I won’t take that away from her just because I’m in pain.”
“You said they were in danger? What makes you so sure that it’s safe for them to be around Alex now?”
“The danger is no longer a problem anymore.”
“What does that even mean Clarke?”
“It means that Lexa and Anya are no longer in danger. They wouldn’t have come back if they were. And for the record, you know very well I would never let any harm come to Alex.”
“Okay sweetie I know I wasn’t accusing you.”
“Shit I know I’m sorry. I’m just really on edge right now. So much has happened in the past 24 hours.”
“Okay here’s what we are gonna do. Just relax, take a breather. I’m going to go cook Alex dinner. Open up a bottle of wine and rant to Raven some more. After dinner, I’ll check Alex’s homework and give her bath. I’ll do story time tonight too.”
“Mom you really don’t have to do all that.”
“I know I don’t have to but I want to. I used to love doing storytime when you two still lived with me. It’s been too long since I’ve snuggled up with my grandbaby.”
Abby got up and placed a kiss on her daughter’s forehead.
“Thank you Mom.”
“Don’t thank me honey, it’s what mother’s do.”
\\\
Lexa finally was home. After that bombshell, she’s not sure how she even got home in one piece. After Clarke left the shop, Lexa sat frozen in her sit for a good 15 minutes replaying the conversation in her head again just to make sure it was real. Once she finally got to her car she just sat and sobbed for a good 20 minutes. Lexa has never cried so much in her life. The only time she can remember being this emotional was when she first left Clarke all those years ago.
Lexa was exhausted and just wanted to crawl in her bed and cry herself to sleep. She dragged herself into her apartment and made eye contact with her sister. This wasn’t going to end well.
Anya looked at her sister and instantly flew to her side. To be blunt, Lexa looked like shit. Her eyes were red and puffy. Lexa looked like she aged ten years since she left this morning. It was like she was carrying the weight of the world on her shoulders. Anya knew this had to mean that her reunion with Clarke must have went awry. Shit.
“Lex?? Are you okay? What happened with Clarke? Here sit down and we can talk.”
“I don’t want to fucking talk Anya.”
Anya was taken back by her sister’s hostility. All throughout the years, Lexa rarely showed her emotions like this - especially anger. Anya has never seen such a storm of emotions in her sister’s eyes. It looked like Lexa was in between breaking everything in this house or just hysterically crying until she passed out from exhaustion. Either choices disturbed Anya to no end.
“Lex talk to me. Whatever happened we can fix it.”
Anya tries to envelop her sister in a hug but Lexa shoves her hard.
“You can fix this?! Anya you’re the one who broke this! Everything is ruined! I’ve missed out on so much. These are years I’ll never get back.”
“Lexa calm down. You and Clarke can make new memories. You both are so young, there's still so much more time for you two. Blondie will come around I promise. What happened to make you so upset?”
“What happened?! What happened dear old sister of mine is that I have a fucking daughter! And she’s gorgeous. She’s everything and I’m nothing to her. And do you want to know why? Do you want to know why I never got to meet her? DO YOU?”
Anya couldn’t feel any worse than she does right now. Her mind and body is screaming at her that she’s a fuck up. That no matter how hard she tried, she still ruined the one life she swore with all her being to protect. She’s never seen her sister so broken before, not even when she had to leave Clarke. Anya knows this is all her fault. There’s no way to fix this one. What’s done is done. Her sister missed out on the first six years of her daughter's life. To Lexa, that's unforgivable. Family is the most important thing in that girl's life. It's her anchor. It's what keeps her grounded.
“You have a daughter… oh my god. Lex I’m sorry. Oh my god no I - I don’t know what to say. I’m so sorry Le-”
Lexa slaps Anya across the face before she falls to the floor crying. Anya’s heart is breaking for the younger girl. The foster system broke Lexa but Clarke built her back up piece by piece. Anya was there as much as she could be, but Clarke was the one who showed her what true unconditional love was. Anya loved her because she was her sister. Clarke loved her because she was Lexa. Both loves so strong and incomparable. But Clarke’s love showed Lexa that love isn’t weakness. Clarke’s love opened up a part of Lexa that Anya thought withered away and died before it even had the chance to prosper. Losing that love broke Lexa. She became a shell of the person she once was. Lexa bottled up all her emotions for 7 years and now finally, the dam broke.
“You did this! You did this! Make it stop fuck make it stop. Make the pain go away please.”
Anya hugged the broken girl on the floor as she quietly whimpered and cried into her neck. Anya could feel her shirt collecting Lexa’s long overdue tears. These weren’t just the tears of not knowing her daughter. These were the tears for losing the love of her life. These were the tears of having to kill a man to save her sister. Tears for her dead brother and recovering addict sister. Tears for the parents she never knew. Tears for her childhood lost much too young. Lexa kept everything bottled in. It’s a mystery how she was able to keep all of this in for so long.
“I know Lex. I’m sorry. Shh it’s okay. I’m so sorry honey. Shh. I’m here. You’re okay. You’re okay.”
And that’s how the sisters stayed for an hour until Lexa’s cries got quieter and slower until they tapered off completely. Anya picked up her sleeping sister off the floor and carried her to her bedroom.
The older Woods was stunned that she had a niece. That Clarke Griffin has been alone raising Lexa’s child because of her. Anya knows that Lexa is hurt. Hell, Anya is hurt. Clarke is like a sister to her. She fucked up the lives of both her sisters. She made it impossible for her little niece to grow up with two parents side by side. Growing up in the system, a lot of foster kids promise themselves that when they have a family they would do it right. They would be there every step of the way. And Lexa missed out on all of that because she was trying to save her older sister. It wasn’t Lexa’s job to protect her, it was Anya’s and she failed.
Anya knew that entering the world of drugs again was a dumb idea. But she saw how hard Lexa was working to scrape together money for the academy and an apartment of her own. She was proud of her baby sister for trying to be self sufficient. Still, she felt like she needed to help more. So when she ran into Emerson and he mentioned the Mount Weathers would welcome her back with open arms, it was too tempting of an offer. It was the worst mistake of her life. Within a month she was hooked again, wasting away. She managed to hide it this time from Lexa, Clarke, and Lincoln. Until that night.
Anya was high out of her mind when Emerson called her and told her the address of a shipment that needed to be picked up. He said that this was time sensitive and if she didn’t screw up, that Cage would give her 30% of the profit from the delivery. How could she refuse? $3,000 would go a long way for her little sister. She had to do it. She was so high though so she passed out a few minutes later. By the time she came to, it was too late. The cops already caught wind of the shipment location and busted the whole operation. Everything was ruined and it was a domino effect that affected the lives of all of her loved ones. She fucked up bad. Anya no longer could hold back her own tears. Lexa was sound asleep and no one else was around so for the first time in 15 years Anya quietly weeped. She gave herself five minutes to feel sorry for herself before she picked herself up and left for her shift at the Arker’s Pub around the corner. Tonight was going to be a long night, but then again every night is for Anya. But somehow, she keeps surviving.