No Hope
7 years ago
“Babe I love this one. What do you think?”
Lexa excitedly looks around the apartment again, dragging her girlfriend by the hand to each different room as the real estate quietly smiles at the young in love couple.
“It’s gorgeous Lex but the rent is sort of steep.”
Clarke always the cautious optimist. She was always the girl to point out the flaws in a seemingly perfect plan. It’s what’s going to make her one hell of a doctor one day. She’s always prepared for the unexpected. Usually Lexa is the one who needs everything planned and organized, but just this once the roles are reversed. When it comes to Clarke Griffin, all of Lexa’s sense turn to mush. Just this once, Lexa dreams of having the love of her life and beautiful home are possible. Just this once she will let herself be happy and indulgent.
“Come onnnn Clarke! It’s only $200 over my budget. And it’s still cheaper than if you were to dorm next year. I can manage the rent for a year on my own until you move in after your senior year. I know this is our home. I can just feel it.”
How could Clarke refuse her adorably dorky girlfriend’s excited grin? It’s rare to see Lexa smile, unless you’re Clarke that is. Still though, the brunette’s smiles melt Clarke every damn time. Her beauty is at it’s peak when the older girl is grinning, free of inhibitions and the ghosts of her past.
“Okay baby if you think you can manage I’m all in.”
“Yeah?”
“Of course you big idiot. I love you.”
"I love you too Clarke. More than anything. I'm so lucky to be with you"
"You're such a romantic sap Lex."
"You love it."
"Mmm I do. Come here."
Clarke delicately cups Lexa’s cheeks and places a chaste kiss on the corner of her girlfriend’s mouth. When Lexa tries to deepen the kiss though, the blonde pulls away with a smirk on her face.
“Nope not yet. You have to put down a deposit before we christen the place.”
At that moment, the realtor walks in.
“So ladies, what do you think of the space?”
Lexa interlocks her hand with Clarke’s and brightens the whole room with her smile.
“We’ll take it.”
///
Lexa was nervous. No terrified as she sat in her car outside the hospital. The hospital where Clarke worked. Clarke. This still feels so surreal. Lexa hoped that Clarke was still living in Polis, but she wasn’t sure. Lexa knows she fucked up. She knows she fucked up when she left 7 years ago, but even more so she knows she messed up by not running to Clarke as soon as it was safe to.
Truthfully, Lexa could have contacted Clarke a year ago. But she was scared. So she promised herself once her and Anya moved back, the first thing she would do was find Clarke. It wouldn’t be that hard. All she had to do was knock on Abby Griffin’s door. She even went to the house once and stood outside for a good two hours contemplating on how to approach the mother of her love.
But then she let her fears consume her. Was she really ready to answer all the questions that would be thrown at her? What if her presence only disrupted Clarke’s life even more? She knows she probably broke the young girl’s heart. Isn’t selfish of her to barge into her life after all these years? What if she’s moved on? What if she doesn’t care? What if Lexa has been carrying a torch for a girl who forgot about her a long time ago? There were too many unknown variables. Too many things that could go wrong. So Lexa walked away again, before she even had the chance to start over.
This time though, Lexa had no intentions of walking away. She needed to see Clarke, even if all she would get in return was closure. If there was any chance Clarke wanted her back, she would fight till her last breath to prove her love and devotion.
Ok Lexa stop chickening out. You can do this. Just walk through those doors and ask for Clarke Griffin. She won’t kill you in front of all her patients and colleagues right? Ok even if she does try to kill you, you’re in a hospital. Yeah you got this.
After a much needed pep talk, the brunette exited her car and entered the hospital.
“Hello. Welcome to Trikru Hospital. My name is Monroe. How can I help you?”
“Hi. I’m looking for a Dr. Griffin.”
“Okay let me check if she’s not in surgery. Hold one moment please.”
Lexa was really really nervous. Her heart was beating out of her chest and her palms were all gross and sweaty.
“I’m sorry Abby is in surgery at the moment. If you would like to come back, I can let her know you came by.”
“Wait uh no. I’m sorry I didn’t realize Abby worked here too. I’m looking for Dr. Clarke Griffin.”
“Oh! Nurse Clarke. Sure. Sorry for the mix up. I’ll page her right away. May I ask who’s requesting her?”
“Oh uh Lexa Woods.”
“Okay Ms. Woods if you could take a seat in the waiting room, she will be down shortly.”
“Okay thank you. Have a nice day.”
So this is really happening. Lexa is going to see Clarke. No turning back now. Although Lexa certainly is curious why Clarke chose to be a nurse instead of a doctor like she always planned. But I suppose people change. Obviously there are many more important subjects to discuss before they can delve into Clarke’s career change.
Lexa’s leg was bobbing up and down as she gripped the armchairs as if her life depended on it. And that’s when she saw her. As beautiful as ever. It was like a harsh blow to her chest. After all these years, Clarke Griffin still was able to suck all the air out of her lungs.
Her eyes might be blue, but they were also red with anger and hurt. Clarke stopped in her place once she saw Lexa. Lexa could see all the emotions over the rainbow go through Clarke’s cerulean pools. At first, she was shocked. Then, angry. Then filled to the brim with sadness. And finally the younger girl just looked tired. Tired as if she has been battling this onslaught of emotions every day since Lexa left. Clarke hasn’t even spoken to her yet and Lexa already felt broken.
For a moment, neither girls knew what to do or how to greet the other. Lexa was the one to get up unsteadily from her chair and cautiously approach Clarke as if she was a mountain lion that could pounce on her prey at any given moment.
“Hi Clarke. It's really good to see you again you have no idea. I know you have questions. Uhm Anya said you uh worked here and I wanted to see you. Maybe we could talk? There’s a lot we should talk about.”
Clarke was silent as she looked at anything other than Lexa. She knew that if she looked in Lexa’s bright green eyes she would see the same eyes of her daughter and would melt. She would break down and she couldn’t do that. No. Not now. She will break down tonight with a nice bottle of wine and Raven Reyes supplying witty comments and unwavering support. So instead, she shut off her emotions as best as she possibly could. Clarke couldn’t have a meltdown in the middle of her work. She needed this job. She loved this job. So the blonde had to keep her shit together. Clarke couldn’t afford to freak out like she did at Raven’s shop (she apologized profusely to Raven for causing such a scene but Raven didn’t care about the scene caused, she only cared about her friend).
“7 years.”
“What?”
“You’ve been gone 7 years.”
“I know. I'm so -”
“You’ve been in town for 6 months.”
“Yes. I was -”
“And you didn’t contact me.”
“Yes, but listen Clarke I -”
“Then there’s nothing to say here.”
Clarke turned on her heels and was ready to walk away and never look back when Lexa gently grabbed her wrist as if it was her lifeline. Clarke backed out of the touch, but nonetheless turned around. Her eyes seething as her body remained stiff and aloof.
“Clarke please wait. Please I’m begging you. There’s so much I need to tell you. I’ll tell you anything you want to know. Just please. Hear me out. I would have never left you if I had a choice! Please please just listen to what I have to say.”
Lexa was desperate as her eyes filled with tears. She could see that Clarke was defeated. That she might have already given up on them. She wasn’t screaming or crying or punching. There may have been a storm of emotions raging in her eyes, but her actions screamed indifference. If Clarke walked away now, Lexa knew Clarke had slipped from her grasp yet again and she couldn’t let that happen. Lexa would get on her hands and knees and plead with the blonde if she had to.
Clarke let out a loud sigh as she massaged her temple with her fingers. She was at work. She couldn’t deal with this shit right now.
“Lexa I’m at work if you haven’t noticed. I’ll give you one chance to explain yourself, but I’m letting you know right now that I’m not doing this for me and certainly not for us. I’ll be off in an hour. Come back then and maybe I’ll listen to what you have to say. Right now though, it’s not looking good for you.”
“Okay. I’ll be here. Thank you Clarke. You don't know how much this means to me. I am so sor-”
“Don’t you dare say sorry and don't thank me. I haven’t done anything except allow you the chance to talk at me.”
And with that, Clarke was off to finish up her work for the day. Lexa was stunned. Clarke has never been so cold with her before, but she deserves every venomous word Clarke spit at her. One thing that Clarke said didn’t make sense though. If she wasn’t hearing Lexa out for her or for their relationship, why? I guess it doesn’t matter why. Clarke was giving her a chance. That’s all she could ask for.
///
“Hey you’re calling Reyes the mechanic extraordinaire. How can I help you today?”
“Raven, it’s me.”
“Oh hey Clarkey. Whatsup?”
“Any chance you can pick up Alex from school today? If you can’t it’s okay I’ll find someone else I know I ask too much of you already and I -”
“Clarke hey just breathe. You know I love that squirt and I don’t mind picking her up today. What’s wrong?”
Ever since their run in with Anya, Clarke has been on the edge. She has been off in her own world, internally and externally freaking out.
“Lexa fucking showed up at my work Raven that’s what’s wrong! I’ve been trying so long to keep myself together but I feel like I’m ripping apart at the seams. I can’t do this Raven. Seeing her again. When I'm around her, I feel like I’m still the small confused 17 year old who just had her heart shattered and found out she was going to be a teen mother.”
Raven can hear some sniffling and shuffling on the other end which means Clarke is probably holed up in an all call room crying her eyes out while pacing around the cramped space.
“Oh Clarke. Listen to me okay. You’re definitely not that small confused 17 year old anymore. Look at the life you’ve created for Alexandria. She’s a happy and healthy beautiful little girl with a roof over her head and a mother who loves and supports her. You didn’t let what happen break you. You kept going and even though life continued to throw more and more shit at you, you’re still surviving.”
“You make me sound like some hero Rae. I just did what I had to.”
“Clarke not everyone would be able to get their nursing degree while raising a baby while they're still a kid themselves. You are a hero. You’re my hero. But more importantly, you’re your daughter’s hero.”
A sob escaped Clarke’s throat. Clarke doesn’t know what she deserved to have this amazing support system that has continually picked her up throughout all the hardships. Raven is her rock. She's so thankful to have the witty mechanic in her life.
“She wants to talk Rae. She said she would tell me the whole story.”
“Then maybe you should listen to her.”
“I don’t want to listen to a word out of her mouth. I don’t trust her. I don’t want her in my life after she broke my heart and never came back.”
“But she’s back now. Listen to her. If not for you, for Alex. She keeps asking about her ‘other mommy’ Clarke. She deserves to know her. Lexa did something really shitty leaving you. But don’t let your daughter suffer because of her mother’s mistakes. Besides, you know Lexa never would have left had she known you were pregnant.”
“That’s the thing Raven, I thought that Lexa would never leave me either. But I was wrong.”
Clarke heavily sighed again before she continued on ranting to her best friend.
“But you’re right as usual. Lexa deserves to meet her daughter and Alexandria deserves to know her mother. I need to get the whole story before anything though. I won’t let my daughter suffer through the heartbreak that is Lexa Woods if she decides to pick up and leave again.”
“Okay just be careful with your temper Griff. If you don’t rip her head off I’ll reward you with some wine and the best cheeseburgers in Polis.”
Clarke let out a dry chuckle and after their ‘I love you’s’ and goodbye's, the two best friends hung up the phone. Both girls consumed by nerves regarding the upcoming confrontation because they both knew they were stuck in the eye of the storm.