World Spins Madly On
Clarke was shaking. Her mind was in a daze of indignation and shock. The Woods were back in town. Lexa's back. So many questions were swirling around in her head.
When did they come back? Why did they return after all these years? What have they been doing? Where have they been? And the most the important question of all, why did she leave her?
Clarke honestly never thought this day would come. Lexa left her 7 years ago and didn't give her a reason. All she got was a quick vague voicemail telling her that the love of her life was leaving and not coming back and not to wait for her. It broke her heart. To this day
it still stings.
Lexa was her first and only love. She loved her since she was 14 and truthfully she never stopped. Even after Lexa abandoned her, she never was able to shake her love for the older girl. Clarke wanted to look for her after she found out she was pregnant. After all, it was Lexa's kid too. Lexa may have abandoned her but she knows she would never abandoned her child had to she known of her existence.
Lexa grew up in the foster care system with her older sister Anya. By the time she was in high school, Anya already aged out of the system and acted as the brunette's legal guardian. Lexa didn't like talking about her time in the system. It was rough. The good foster parents were the ones who didn't care when you came and went, only in it for the paychecks. But the bad ones. They were hell.
The worst of them was this creep Titus. Lexa only told the story once but from what she told Clarke, Titus would emotionally abuse her and Anya. He tried to convince them that love was weakness and they were incapable of being loved. Lexa was 10 and Anya was 14. They were in his "care" for a year. Lexa's time with Titus definitely gave her battle wounds. She was only a sweet little wide eyed kid with too much hope in the world. The emotional trauma she experienced there will follow her for the rest of her life.
When Lexa went to high school, she was still haunted by Titus' words. She didn't think she could be loved. And for two years, she closed herself off from feeling. Instead Lexa became a bit of a player. She would do anything to drown the pain. Sex. Booze. Parties. But not drugs. Never drugs. Her older brother Gustus died of an overdose when she was 7 years old. Lexa never touched the stuff and never will; Clarke was confident of that. Not the same could be said of her sister though. Anya had a pretty bad drug problem and was mixed up in a tough crowd.
Anya Woods was the girl who you saw at every party. She was the girl who you went to whenever you needed a score. The older blonde definitely knew her way around the sketchy part of town. Anya started in the business when she was 16. She was trying to save enough money so that she could support her and Lexa when she aged out. By the time she was 19, she tried it for the first time. It became less about selling the stuff and more about shoving it up her nose, in her veins, in between her toes. You name it. Anya was heading down a dangerous road for about a year until she got her act together.
Still though, Anya was like a sister to Clarke. Anya got it much worse than Lexa when they were in the foster system. Anya would protect her sister at all costs. She would take both of their beatings as long as they agreed to never touch her sister. Lexa cried and begged her sister to let her share the burden. But all Anya would say in return was "I bear it so you don't have to."
Anya Woods was Clarke's goddamn hero growing up. She was a fallen angel trying to claw her way back to Earth. She was the reason Clarke had Lexa. Lexa could have easily fallen through the cracks of the system. But Anya never let that happen. Anya did whatever it took to make sure her baby sister was alright.
Clarke and Anya grew close once her and Lexa started dating. She was actually the one to convince Anya to go to rehab. She told her that using was hurting Lexa more than anything else could. The prospect of hurting her sister after spending her whole life trying to protect her brought the older girl to her sense. A year later, Anya was 20 and fresh out of rehab. And she stuck with it. The younger couple couldn't have been more proud. So Clarke didn't just lose the love of her life, she lost her sister and confidante.
///
"Took you long enough. How's my car?"
Anya seemed nervous, not her usual confident self. Not that Raven really knew her well. Anya was Lexa's older sister. The only person other than Lexa that she was close with was Clarke and Lincoln and surprisingly Bellamy. It was obvious to anyone with a brain that Anya wanted to get out of Raven's shop as quick as possible. She was clearly taken by surprise to see one of Lexa's old high school friends.
"Wick just towed it in. He'll fix it up and you should be out of here in no time. Maybe we will see run into each other in another 7 years right?"
Anya glared at her with such raw intensity, that Raven thought she would combust right there. Just turn into a pile of dust. Damn was this woman intimidating. If she wasn't the biological aunt of her favorite niece and one of the two people who broke her best friend's heart, she would definitely hit on her. This woman in front of her was all fire. Just the way she liked them.
Speaking of balls of fire, in walked the small yet oh so fierce Clarke Griffin still clad in her blue scrubs with eyes of fury that rivaled Anya's steely gaze.
"Anya fucking Woods."
The room was silent but the walls were screaming. Anya grew pale as if a ghost had just entered the shop. And for Anya, that's exactly what Clarke Griffin was. A ghost. A haunting of what her and Lexa left behind. Well more specifically Lexa. Leaving blondie behind was the hardest thing her little sister ever had to do and it was all her fault.
"Clarke."
Clarke's name was spoken like a whisper. Clearly, Anya wasn't expecting this when she went out to pick up some Thai food tonight.
"I don't even know where to begin. Why the fuck are you here?!"
Clarke was pissed off to say the least. Her hands were balled up in fists as if she was ready for physical blows to come to pass. Her jaw was clenched and it looked like her teeth could crack under the sheer pressure. Her eyes were willing back tears of pure frustration. And her body was shaking from the cold air mixed with the utter shock of running into a real live Woods after 7 goddamn years.
"Why did you leave? Where did you go? And where the fuck is your sister?! No calls. No messages. One goddamn voicemail Anya! Is that all I deserve?! Is that all I was to you two. I treated you like my family and in return you treat me like the shit on the bottom of your shoe."
Anya patiently waited for the blonde to finishing expelling her well deserved anger at her. She knew that most of this anger wasn't even directed at her. She could tell in Clarke's eyes that she's still heartbroken like her sister. It's tragic that both girls could never move on and probably never will. She was going to make it up to her sister though. In that moment Anya decided, she was going to help Lexa get back her girl.
"I know you want answers but I can't give them to you right now. What I can give you is Lexa's number and you can -"
"No!! Don't you fucking say her name to me. You don't know what I've been through these past few years Anya. And neither does your sister. She left me and I had to pick up the pieces."
Raven knew this was bad. Clarke never talked about Lexa. It was a well known unspoken rule to NEVER bring her ex's name up especially not in front of the blonde's daughter. Speaking of Alex, if Clarke keeps up with the yelling she will surely hear which would only add fuel to the fire. Alex looks exactly like a mini Lexa. If Anya saw her and heard her name, there would be no way to keep all hell from breaking loose in her shop.
"Clarke you need to calm down. Look I'm sorry you're still hurting but yelling at me won't change the fact that we left you. Lexa left you. But you don't know the story. You don't know why!"
The blonde slowed down her breathing and unclenched her fists. She knew she had to calm down. Truthfully, it wasn't her plan to come in guns blazing but once she saw the older Woods, something in her snapped.
Lexa left her to raise their child on her own. Sure, she didn't know there was a child to raise. But on the hard days, the blonde needed someone to blame and that person was Lexa. Clarke looked for her during the first few months of her pregnancy but when she couldn't find her after a five month intense search, she knew Lexa didn't want to be found by anyone - including her. She felt abandoned and broken. She still does.
"Then tell me why. Tell me why she left me. Tell me why she left me when everything was perfect. We were going to get an apartment together in a month. We were in love or so I thought. Did I mean that little to her?"
Clarke's words were barely above a whisper and it broke Raven and Anya's heart. Clarke was always so strong, but she wore her heart on her sleeve. So when Lexa left, she didn't just break the young girl's heart, she pulverized it.
"You meant - no you mean the world to my sister Clarke. You're everything to her even now. You have to understand though this is a long story. A story I can't just tell you in summary while I wait for my car to be fixed. There's so much you don't know and I -"
"Who are you?"
Silence fills the room. The three adults slowly turn to the small human looking up curiously at Anya. Her eyes are wide, drowning in emerald green pools. Her luscious brown hair is in a French braid. Something about this kid strikes Anya. This girl is adorable, innocent, sweet, and so fucking familiar. But who is she?
Anya glances over at Clarke and then at Raven. They both look pale. Like a deer caught in headlights. Very strange behavior. Since the question was obviously directed at her, she feels obligated to answer the little girl.
"I'm Anya. What's your name kid?"
"My name is -"
"Alrighty! Your tire is all done!! If you'll follow me you can pay and then be on your way."
Anya looks over to the greased up man and politely nods. By the time she looks back over to finish her conversation with the mystery girl, Raven has her scooped up in her arms tickling her and taking her away into her office.
"I didn't realize Reyes had a kid."
Clarke ignores the comment. She doesn't owe anything to Anya. And if she's going to tell one of the Woods about her child, it would certainly not be her.
"Anya you said I didn't know the whole story."
"Yes I did."
"So when do I get to hear this ever so dramatic story of the utmost importance?"
"Don't be a smartass blondie. That was always one of your lesser of qualities"
"You didn't answer my question."
"I can tell Lexa you want to talk."
"You know what don't bother. I do have one question though and you're going to answer this one thing."
"Just one question and I have the right not to answer if I don't like it."
"When did you two come back?"
"About six months ago."
Six months. Lexa has been in town for six months and she didn't even bother to come looking for her. If Clarke's heart wasn't crushed before, it certainly is now.
"Get in your car. Leave this shop. And don't come back."
"Alright alright I'll leave. But I'm going to leave Lexa's number on this counter. She's never stopped loving you Clarke. At Least give her the chance to explain."
And with that Anya got in her car and drove to her shared apartment with Lexa, desperate to tell her little sister about this turn of events.
\\\
"Hey Anya. Where's the Thai food? I'm starving and you took forever."
"No Thai food. I ran into someone though."
"Oh yeah? Who?"
Lexa makes her way to the fridge searching for something to eat. The brunette just finished up a three kickboxing session at the gym and she was famished. Lexa's life revolved around work and working out. That's all she had time for. More importantly that's all her heart and brain allowed of her. She left her chance at true happiness 7 years ago and she's too much of a coward to try and win her back. So she throws herself into her work and the occasional one night stand. It’s easier this way. She knows she’s already found and lost the best thing in her life.
“Don’t freak out sis.”
“Why would I freak out?”
“Clarke.”
Lexa’s whole body stiffens as her head whips in Anya’s direction.
“What did you just say?!”
“I ran into Raven Reyes and Clarke Griffin.”
Anya could see Lexa’s mind working. Her eyes showcased a variety of emotions. Her headspace was in overdrive. They barely talked about Clarke Griffin because she was the one that got away. She was the one who Lexa lost before their lives could even really begin. Anya was never a romantic, she preferred much more to be a realist. When she saw the way Lexa and Clarke looked at each other though, she finally understood what all the fuss was about.
Lexa threw a million questions at Anya in a matter of seconds. Who, what, when, where, how. The younger Woods’ mind was spinning. This was the first real information she would have on Clarke since she was 18 years old.
“Lex breathe. Not much happened. I got a flat and it turns out Reyes owns a car shop near Roosevelt Street. When Raven saw me she called blondie and boy was she pissed. She came storming in yelling, demanding answers. Still the same smartass she always has been.”
Lexa took a minute to process the info. Clarke is mad. That’s better than her not caring at all right? Lexa knows she fucked up by not going to her the second she could, but she was scared. She was scared that Clarke would reject her after all these years apart. She was scared she would find out that Clarke moved on and had a new life, a new love, and had no space left for her. Lexa was scared because she left home 7 years ago and left her heart behind. But more than anything, Lexa is scared that Clarke would throw her love and her heart in her face if they ever met again.
“How did she look?”
Lexa’s voice was fragile, almost terrified to hear the answer. Either Clarke was happy without her or still in pain. Either way, Lexa would never get a chance with her again, she’s sure of it.
“Well she was wearing a pair of scrubs with one of her signature messy buns. She looked good. Tired but good. Oh and I think Reyes has a kid. She looked like an adorable little shit, nothing like Reyes though.”
“A kid?? Wow that’s so adult. How old?”
“Not sure. She looked maybe 5? I guess a lot has changed since we left.”
“...Yeah I guess you’re right.”
“Look I left your number for Clarke. I wouldn’t hold your breath though you know how blondie can hold a grudge. I did manage to read on her scrubs that she works at Trikru Hospital. I’m guessing she’s working there while finishing med school like she always planned.”
The younger brunette was beaming. Lexa was so proud of Clarke for following through with her dreams. She’s happy Clarke was able to be happy and move on from her. Lexa though, was reminded of Clarke everyday. Everything reminded Lexa of Clarke. From the blue of the sky to the artwork at her favorite cafe that looked just like the artist’s old sketches. What Lexa didn’t know was that Clarke had a real live mini Lexa running around, reminding Clarke of her former love every second of everyday.
“You should go see her Lex. You’re going to have to make the first move here because you’re the one who left.”
“I very well know I’m the one who left Anya. And you know why I had to leave so don’t give me shit.”
“I’m sorry for how everything went down you know that. If I could change it -”
“No I know. I’m sorry for snapping. I’m just scared of seeing her again Anya. What if she hates me?”
“Oh honey Clarke Griffin could never hate you. 7 years is a long time, but I could see it in her eyes. She still loves you. Maybe her life has changed a bit but so has yours. Don’t walk away cause you’re scared Lex.”
“You’re right. I’ll go see her at Trikru Hospital tomorrow. If I don't come back, I'm either dead or dead.”
"Sounds like two very promising options."
Lexa knew seeing Clarke would be like the first breath of fresh air she's had since she was 18 years old. She also knew it wouldn't be easy, impossible even, but she wanted Clarke Griffin back in her life - in whatever capacity the blonde deemed to give her. She never stopped loving her. And she will always have her heart.
The restless brunette could not fall asleep that night because whenever she closed her eyes all she saw was blue.