To Make You Whole Again

Clarke was asleep against her by the time they arrived at the village and Briat helped Lexa get Clarke off the horse. Clarke woke up slightly when her feet touched the ground and whined sleepily in protest. She’d been comfortable.

“Be still skai prisa.” Briat murmured gently before handing her off to Lexa. Lexa left Trei and Briat to deal with the horses while she set off towards the dwelling meant for the commander with Jynx and a winded Britt in tow. She kept Clarke cradled against her chest as they entered before setting her down in the furs of the bed. Lexa stripped out of her armor, content that everything was taken care of as she remembered she’d sent a rider on their way to King Roan in the Azgeda territory already.

When Octavia had come to her that morning, they’d come to the conclusion that Clarke was poisoned by an Ice nation toxin favored by Ontari. It was extremely slow acting but lethal and Lexa only had a blurry idea of how Clarke was even still alive at this point. She made a mental note to ask Titus when she returned to Polis. She curled up under the furs next to Clarke, finally relaxing for the first time in days.

Lexa woke up the next day to find Clarke squirming uncomfortably under the furs and burning with a fever. Lexa called for one of her guards to retrieve a fever reducer from the village healer as she wet a rag with water from the basin across the room and brought it back to the bed to wipe Clarke’s forehead in an attempt to cool her down in the meantime. Trei knocked on the door almost ten minutes later with a steaming mug of bitter smelling liquid in hand. Lexa took it with a nod and nearly forced the liquid down Clarke’s throat with more than a few apologies. She knew the toxin was progressing and Clarke would have to take the reducer at least once a day until she could be given the antidote. Clarke looked at Lexa blearily as she became more awake.

Clarke watched through a blurred glass as the commander strode around issuing orders left and right, the noise sounding distant to Clarke until Lexa returned to her side on the bed, then the world sharpened.

“How are you feeling?” Lexa asked gently, stroking blonde locks fondly.

“Weak… Tired… What’s…?” Clarke mumbled dizzily.

“Poison. One of Ontari’s personal favorites. You should be dead right now… But it’s a good thing you aren’t… Roan is working on finding the anti-toxin but… If he doesn’t soon, we may have to ride to the azgeda lands for their healers to have a better look at you…” Lexa explained, finishing gently. She felt her heart crack as Clarke’s eyes widened in fear as the girl shook her head.

“I’d rather that not happen either.” Lexa agreed with a sigh.

“I’m ok…” Clarke protested, pushing herself into a sitting position and then to her feet. She swayed dizzily for a few seconds before slowly moving about the home.

“Don’t force yourself Clarke… No one thinks you are weak. As I said, it should’ve killed you by now but it hasn’t and we aren’t truly sure why yet.” Lexa warned softly, moving over to Clarke’s side again and wrapping her arms around the sky girl. Clarke hummed contently at the contact and rested her head on Lexa’s shoulder, relishing in the warmth of the other body.

“You’re ok… I won’t let you die Clarke… I’ll protect you always.” Lexa purred.

“I know… Ai hod yu in.” I love you. Clarke mumbled, clinging softly to her. Lexa helped her dress before getting her own leathers on.

“The forty seven…” Clarke tried faintly.

“Raven, Octavia, and Bellamy are with them overseeing things for now. Octavia will be back tomorrow to continue her training with Indra.” Lexa replied.

“Jynx… I need her to… She needs to…” Clarke continued. Lexa looked at her confused but called for the woman.

“Heda.” Jynx nodded.

“Clarke says she needs you to do something?” Lexa asked trying not to sound confused.

“Clarke?” Jynx asked.

“You need to…” Clarke mumbled reaching for Jynx and almost falling as another wave of dizziness almost took her feet from under her. Lexa hurried forward and caught the blonde before she fell.

“Heda could’ve taken care of your palms, Clarke.” Jynx told her softly, understanding what the girl had meant.

“What do you mean?” Lexa demanded. Clarke winced at her tone and whimpered, tucking her hands against her chest. Jynx’s eyes widened as she began to understand.

“You didn’t tell her? Clarke…” Jynx sighed.

“Didn’t tell me what? Ron ai ridiyo op, Jynx.” Speak true, Jynx. Lexa growled softly.

“Sha heda. Moba Clarke. While we were in Arkadia Clarke injured her palms on her daggers. I don’t know what happened but she ended up gripping the blades tight enough for them to bite into her hands.” Forgive me Clarke. Jynx admitted, apologizing softly.

“Muchof.” Lexa sighed, looking at Clarke who had pulled away to hide near the bed once her dizziness had abated.

“Pro. I’m going to go back outside to let you two talk.” Jynx said moving towards the door and then leaving.

“Clarke?” Lexa asked softly after the door had closed. Clarke was silent, keeping her hands against her chest.

“Clarke… What happened niron? Why didn’t you tell me..?” Lexa continued gently, slowly moving closer.

“I’ve been doing so well… I was ok…” Clarke began in a whisper.

“Sha, you’ve been healing.” Lexa nodded, moving closer still until she was able to pull Clarke into her arms.

“I-I’ve been doing so well… And as soon as you leave it gets worse again and I felt so weak… I hate it! I don’t want to be weak… I didn’t want you to see…” Clarke’s words came out in an angry but anguished sob.

“Clarke, you are still healing. It won’t just go away overnight… You are not weak. I’ve never seen you as anything but strong. You’re always so strong Clarke… You don’t need to hide things from me…” Lexa soothed, beginning to understand. Clarke buried her face against Lexa’s shoulder as the tears kept coming. Lexa held her and murmured soft comforts in trig and English until Clarke calmed again.

“Would you like me to call for Jynx again for your palms?” Lexa asked gently. Clarke shook her head against Lexa’s shoulder.

“They need to be taken care of.” Lexa reminded.

“Yu… Beja…” Clarke mumbled.

“Ok.” Lexa nodded, gently prying Clarke off of her and sitting the blonde down on the bed. Clarke held out shaky hands wrapped in gauze for her when she came back with a kit.

“Shh… It’s ok Clarke. I’m right here.” Lexa soothed, holding Clarke’s hands between her own until she stopped shaking. Lexa gently unwrapped the gauze on Clarke’s left hand, checking Jynx’s stitches before spreading some of the kits salve evenly over them and rewrapping the wound with gauze. Lexa kissed Clarke’s left palm before repeating the entire process with the right one.

“I’m sorry…” Clarke murmured, tearing up again.

“You’re ok Clarke. You’ve done nothing worth apologizing for.” Lexa shook her head, pulling Clarke back into her arms. She gently wiped the tears from Clarke’s eyes and pressed a soft kiss to her lips.

“I killed children Lexa… I killed thirteen innocents…” Clarke whimpered.

“Clarke…” Lexa began but found herself unsure of what to say next.

“I can’t make peace with it… I need to pay my penance for them…” Clarke whispered.

“If that’s what you feel will help you heal…” Lexa sighed as she felt Clarke nod against her chest.

“That’s why your people have kill marks isn’t it?” Clarke asked, looking up at her. Lexa nodded, no longer trusting her voice.

“Then that’s what I want… Maybe then I can sleep…” Clarke mused with a yawn, falling back asleep against Lexa’s chest a few minutes later.

“I swear you are going to be the death of me one day Clarke…” Lexa muttered to herself as she laid back down on the furs and stared up at the ceiling. She had a feeling they’d talk about it more when Clarke woke again.