Hidden truths
While Clarke slept, Lexa alternated between reading and resting. Every so often, Indra or one of the guards would stop in to check on them and give updated on the forty seven. Lexa was glad to here that they were settling in well. To her surprise, Raven joined them in the home a few hours later.
"Raven?" Lexa asked confused.
"Your guards, and Clarke's guards, and Indra sent a rider for me or Octavia. O was busy helping Bellamy so I came here. They all decided that I was the best person to lay with Clarke in case you wanted to get up and do commandery things, I'm sure there are some to do." Raven shrugged, pulling a chair up by the bed.
"Jokas." Fuckers. Lexa muttered, running a hand through her braids.
"What's wrong commander? You seem upset, and not just with them." Raven pointed out. Lexa was quiet for minute or two before sighing.
"Clarke... She didn't tell me about her palms. Jynx had to. She's still agonizing over the mountain Raven... Over the kids. She said that if she got kill marks for them she'd be able to sleep again... What am I supposed to do...?" Lexa wondered. She hated admitting her problems to anyone but so far, Raven has only ever tried to help.
"Yeah that sounds like our Clarkey. She didn't want to seem weak right?" Raven guessed. Lexa nodded slowly, looking at Raven with confusion.
"It's one of the reasons she ran away after the mountain. She couldn't handle, but she also didn't want to appear weak. Clarke's always had to be strong for us since we landed. It's shitty, but that's how it's been. As to the other bit, jus drein jus daun right? Clarke's like pure emotion. It's part of what makes her such a great leader and person. I've heard your people say that if life has no meaning, death has no cost or something of the sort. Maybe that's how it is for her. Talk to her about it more when she's awake. She'll be ok. She has you, Lexa." Raven explained. Lexa nodded again and sat up.
"I... I need to think. You'll stay with her?" Lexa asked. Raven nodded and moved to sit on the bed as Lexa left the home.
"Nothin' but trouble you are, Clarke. But then again, what trouble we'd be in without you." Raven chuckled to herself as Clarke moved closer in her sleep.
Lexa felt Britt and Trei fall in behind her as she left the home, but ignored them and roamed around the village, taking care of anything that required her attention.
Clarke began to whimper softly as she came too again, as if protesting waking up. Jynx handed a mug of fever reducer to Raven as soon as Clarke began to stir and Raven easily got Clarke to drink it before she was wide awake.
"R-Rae?" Clarke yawned.
"The one and only, princess." Raven grinned.
"Where's..?" The blonde asked nervously.
"You're ok. She went to deal with commander stuff while you were asleep. You gave her a lot to think about from what I heard." Raven soothed, instantly noting Clarke's distress.
"Oh..." Clarke mumbled, looking down at her hands. She gripped the furs in balled fists.
"She doesn't want to see you physically hurt again... Lexa saw first hand what they did to you... And I think it tore her up..." Raven explained gently.
"I can't sleep Raven... They're always there... Even on the good nights... Asking my where their parents are... Or why I killed them... And sometimes... Sometimes we're in one of the class rooms sitting in a circle and they tell me one by one what they want to be when they're adults... And then they burn right in front of me... Again and again they burn..." Clarke whispered brokenly.
"Clarke..." Raven began but stopped. She didn't know what to say to that.
"Sometimes... Sometimes in the dungeons... I'd remember them... And then I'd think that everything she did... Everything that was happening... That I deserved it... Raven I took their futures... Took their lives... I'd think 'Why should I walk free?' And I'd just accept it. I just accepted it. I only ever tried to escape once..." Clarke continued in the same hallow tone.
"No. You didn't deserve any of that bullshit. It was us or them Clarke. You did what you had to do. You did what you had to do. What we do to survive does not define us." Raven told her firmly, pulling the blonde into her arms. She felt Clarke return the hold gently, and slowly rocked the two of them until Clarke seemed calmer.
"Are you two ok?" Octavia asked, hurrying to ditch her armor at the table and join them on the bed.
"What are you doing here? I thought you were still helping Bell?" Raven asked softly with a smile.
"We finished not long after you left so I hauled ass here." Octavia shrugged, sitting on the edge of the bed.
"O..?" Clarke asked weakly, reaching one arm toward her.
"Right here." Octavia promised, wrapping her arms around Clarke and Raven.
"Hang on, as cozy as this is, let's lay down." Raven suggested. Octavia nodded and they both released Clarke who whimper softly in protest at lack of both heat and contact. She wished for Lexa but for now was content with her two closest friends. They let Clarke get comfortable before curling up to gently sandwich her between them.
"We're here for you Clarkey. There aren't any pillows of furs for a corner her so this will have to do." Octavia joked.
"Mhmm." Clarke hummed in response. Raven and Octavia chatted quietly once Clarke had drifted off again.
"I'm not really surprised." Octavia shrugged after Raven filled her in on the situation.
Lexa returned not long later and was surprised at the sight that greeted her. Clarke was curled up between both Raven and Octavia. Octavia was blissfully asleep and Raven drowsily alternated between running her fingers through both Clarke and Octavia's hair with one hand while the other was propped against the back of her head as she lay on her side.
"When did Octavia get here?" Lexa asked softly as she got closer to the bed.
"Not long after me. We couldn't make a corner so we gave Clarke a cuddle pile. Hope that's ok cuz it's too late now." Raven yawned, looking over at Lexa.
"I'm glad you two can help her. Aden isn't here so I'm glad. Did she wake at all?" Lexa admitted.
"Yeah. She was up for a bit before O got in and Jynx and I gave her more of whatever was in that mug. Something for the fever I'm guessing. She's really hurting over the mountain... Clarke said some fucked up stuff before O got here." Raven replied.
"What do you mean?" Lexa asked concerned, coming to sit at the foot of the bed.
"About the kids in the mountain... She said that while Nia was torturing her, that sometimes she'd think about the kids and then accept whatever was happening as her penance for their lives. I'm worried Lexa." The mechanic sighed.
"Thank you Raven. Jynx is coming with dinner. She'll bring enough for you and Octavia too. I'm surprised Octavia managed to get here without Indra seeing her. Not even I was that good at first." Lexa noted.
"Well she did spend most of her life trying not to be found so... I guess it's just second nature." Raven shrugged. Lexa nodded quietly. The two sat in a comfortable silence until Jynx arrives with dinner.