To Make You Whole Again

Clarke woke up from nightmares four times throughout the night and each time, Raven patiently helped her calm back down and go back to sleep, and assuring her she was safe. To Raven’s surprise, Lexa didn’t show herself until almost 11 am the next day. Clarke was barely awake when there was a knock at the door. She yawned as Raven went to answer it.

“Clarke?” Raven called into the room softly.

“Yeah?” Clarke called back sleepily.

“The Commander’s here. And Aden… Is it ok for them to come in and see you?” Raven asked gently, watching Clarke closely. Clarke felt herself nod and she ran her fingers through her hair letting out a long sigh, ignoring the slight burning of her palms and wrists.

“Clarke?” Lexa asked softly, hesitating in the door frame. She looked small and more human than usual. Clarke could tell her eyes were slightly puffier than usual.

“Lexa…” Clarke mumbled, rising to her feet. She cursed the tears she felt forming in her eyes at the sight of the Commander. She was supposed to hate her! This was the woman who betrayed her at the mountain! It was this person’s fault Clarke had to kill all those people! So why did she feel so relieved to see her? Why does Lexa make her feel so safe? Clarke didn’t understand what she felt.

“When you ran… We were worried… I-I was worried… Please… Don’t do that again…” Lexa whispered, unable to look at Clarke. Clarke watched the Commander confused. She looked so small and timid, hugging her arms to her chest like a little kid. This wasn’t the Commander, the mighty Heda of the thirteen clans, no. This was Lexa. Lexa, the girl who kissed Clarke before the battle with the mountain, the girl who threw a knife through the arm of one of her generals that tried to kill Clarke.

“Jomp em op en yu jomp ai op!” ‘Attack her and you attack me!’ Clarke couldn’t help but recall.

This was Lexa, who invited her to the capitol with her before the siege on the mountain. This wasn’t the Commander.

“Lexa…” Clarke sobbed, moving close enough to wrap her arms around the girl in front of her. Clarke could feel Lexa’s stiff form relax as she returned the embrace with a relieved sigh.

“I’m so sorry Clarke… I never meant to turn you into this…” Lexa whimpered into the crook of her neck. The two held each other until their tears were dry.

“Would you like to see Polis Clarke? It’ll change the way you see us.” Lexa asked gently as she pulled away.

“You already have. I’d love to.” Clarke replied, standing strong as their words echoed the promise they made outside the mountain doors. Lexa nodded and led her back into the shop with the others. Raven waited by her work bench with Octavia and Aden.

“Thank you for taking care of me Rae…” Clarke said softly, looking at the mechanic. Raven nodded flashing another one of her signature grins.

“Are you okay Clarke?” Aden asked, watching her closely as she gave him a nod and a small smile.

“Where to Commander?” Octavia asked, moving from Raven’s side.

“I think we should show Clarke a bit of Polis. It’ll be good for her.” Lexa decided. Octavia and Aden nodded, looking at each other excited. Octavia and Aden led the way while Clarke and Lexa followed at a slower pace behind them. People stopped them occasionally, mostly to speak to Clarke, many thanking her for taking down the mountain.

“My son was taken by the mountain… They made him a monster Wanheda… I thought I’d never see him again… But you brought him home to me… Thank you.” An old woman told Clarke gratefully. Clarke was shocked. These people saw her as a hero. Clarke watched as the old woman moved away, wrapping her arms around a young man who hugged her back with a smile. She heard many similar stories as they were stopped throughout the streets, people thanking her for saving their sons or daughters, wives’ husbands, brothers, sisters, even children running up to tearfully thank her for their parent returning home. Clarke was nearly brought to tears as a little boy and girl ran up to her and hugged her as tightly as the little ones could for giving them back their father, who came and scooped both of the children up and set them on his shoulders saying something playfully in trig as the two cackled and laughed happily.

“Victory stands on the back of sacrifice Clarke, those children will not grow up in the looming shadow of the mountain. No child will fear their parents being taken away and no parent will have to fear for their child because of the maunon again. You guaranteed their futures.” Lexa told her softly. Clarke could only nod in response. They followed Octavia and Aden to the merchants and Clarke could feel her stomach growl as the smell of many foods cooking hit her nose. The merchants all had things they insisted Lexa and Clarke had to try, both took the offerings gratefully and Clarke couldn’t find a single thing she tried that she didn’t like.

As the day continued, it was growing harder and harder for Clarke to ignore the burning pain in her wrists and palms. Her steps slowed as the scrapes she hadn’t known she’d had on her knees too began to burn against the material of her pants.

“Clarke?” Lexa asked concerned, turning to look at her.

“Can we stop? I just… I need a minute to rest…” Clarke asked dizzily.

“Of course.” Lexa nodded, calling to Octavia and Aden. Lexa led them to the harbor and the four stopped to rest near one of the piers, Clarke finding stable ground atop some wooden crates. They sat for about ten minutes to rest.

“Are you ready to walk again Clarke?” Lexa asked. Clarke nodded and rose to her feet. She let out a soft yelp of surprise as her knees buckled under her weight and everything faded to darkness. Lexa whipped around at the noise behind her and found Clarke sprawled out on the dock, trembling and unconscious. Lexa rushed to her side, instantly looking for a pulse only to pull her hand back in shock as she found Clarke burning up with a fever.

“Aden run for Nyko, bring him to the tower as fast as you can! Octavia, with me!” Lexa ordered as she scooped the limp blond up in her arms and stood. Aden disappeared and Octavia ran with her to the tower, disappearing into the massive bathroom once they got to the top to run a cold bath, per Lexa’s instruction. Lexa stripped Clarke down to her underwear and tucked a fur around her. Nyko appeared not long later. He examined Clarke and easily found the source of the problem.

“Heda, these wounds are infected. They need to be cleaned well and re-bandaged with fresh strips.” Nyko told her firmly. Lexa nodded and dismissed him, looking at the angry red wounds on Clarke’s hands and wrists. She stripped down to her undergarments and picked Clarke up off the bed, bringing them into the bathroom. She nodded to Octavia who stood by with towels and slowly stepped into the pool of icy water. Lexa let out a string of curses in trig as she moved in up to her neck, holding Clarke still as the girl woke up squirming and gasping at the sudden drop in temperature.

“F-f-fuck Lexa!” Clarke chattered, clinging closer to Lexa’s chest. Talk about a rude awakening! She shivered against Lexa as they moved back out of the water.

“You have a fever Clarke, your hands got infected.” Lexa rumbled softly. Clarke could only nod and found herself releasing a small whimper as the moved back into the water again. She felt herself slip back in and out of consciousness while Lexa dunked them a couple more times. Clarke cracked her eyes open as she felt a large but warm towel wrap around her and sighed contently, only to shout and squirm again minutes later as Lexa doused her palms and wrists with burning alcohol to clean them. She tried to sit still at the pain as she heard the Commander softly give apologies and promises that it would be over soon. Clarke was able to relax again when Lexa brought her back to the bed and tucked her under the furs.

“You can sleep now Clarke…” Lexa promised gently, pushing the girl’s hair from her face. Clarke felt herself nod as she curled up under the warm furs.

“Aden, Octavia… Watch her… I-I need to go for a bit…” Lexa instructed shakily, rushing out of the room before they could question her. She ran through the tower, stopping in the throne room and locking the door, pressing her back against it as she fought to catch her breath, tears forming in her eyes.

“Jok.” She cursed herself as she began to weep.

‘Lexa’s heart was pounding in her chest as she led her troops from the mountain. She could feel something inside her dying as the betrayed look on Clarke, beautiful Clarke’s face. She wanted to stay, she wanted to help! They’d said they’d take the mountain together! But this was a decision she had to make for her people. Her head over her heart. Her lives of her people over the beautiful angel that was Clarke Griffin.’

Lexa choked back a sob at the memory, this storm had been a long time coming.

“I’m so sorry Clarke…” She whimpered, thankful she wasn’t wearing her war paint as it would’ve smudged and ran horribly by now.

As soon as the healers had taken prince Roan away, Lexa had found herself immediately calling a war meeting. This was the last straw. After days of messengers running to and fro between Polis and the ice nation, Nia refused to release Clarke. Lexa was in her throne room, looking at her war table when Marcus Kane and Abby Griffin had requested, well more like demanded and audience with her. One she’d found herself almost eager to take. It was after that meeting that she’d decided to make the sky people the thirteenth clan, they had much to learn from each other. After the ceremony, they’d gone to war. Lexa herself led the combine armies of the clans to the icy north, stopping in each and every town and city to as for the people’s allegiance to her and also to Roan who she’d leave in place as the new leader of the Azgeda. Any who refused were killed and their villages burned. All those who agreed were promised safety and aid should ever they require it. It had been a long trek through the ice, Lexa recalled, the castle of the queen was deep into the icy north. Abby had sent gunmen and Raven and a boy she called Monty along with them, which Lexa had learned to be thankful for. The gunmen ended up being more than helpful during the castles siege and Raven, with Monty’s help, built a bomb that allowed them to breach the castle itself. Lexa didn’t think she’d ever forget that day.

‘They were half a mile from the castle of ice. Lexa sat high on her horse. Her faithful war horse, Socks. She’d named him that when he was just a foal because of the white marks on his ankles. She’d only been twelve summers old then. He had yet to fail her. Lexa rode out in front of her troops, running the entire line and back again before stopping in the middle and calling out.

“It’s been a long march, but we are finally here! At the castle of the traitorous queen!” She began, noting the silence that fell over her warriors at the sound of her voice.

“Today we fight in the name of Wanheda! The mountain slayer! By days end, we WILL be victorious and the queen shall be no more! For some of you, by days end your fight will be over! But it will not be in vain! Now, KOM WAR!” Lexa roared pointing her sword skyward and turning Socks to lead the charge. Her warriors all roared loudly in response and the fight began. As soon as the castle had been breached, Lexa had dismounted and sent Socks running, knowing he would find safe ground away from the fighting. She and some of her warriors had led the fight into the castle, letting all who bowed before them and out of their way, live and killing any who wouldn’t. They’d found the throne room abandoned and worked their way through the castle. Lexa and her warriors found themselves in the dungeons and it was there that they’d found Nia and her warrior Ontari pulling a limp Clarke from her cell. Lexa felt rage building in her chest at the sight of the blonde. She was pale and thin, her body covered in bruises and injuries and her hair matted and tangled.

Lexa roared, leading her warriors into the final battle. It took all seven of her warriors to dispatch Ontari once and for all, keeping her busy while Lexa drew her sword on Nia and took her head clean from her shoulders. She set her sword down and knelt, pulling the battered and bruised form of Clarke gingerly into her arms. It was then that blue eyes fluttered open and found worried green.

“L-Lexa…?” Clarke had mumbled confused, reaching shakily for her. Lexa had caught her hand before it had fallen, gently pulling it up to rest against her cheek.

“Sha Clarke of the sky people. I’m here. You’re safe now.” Lexa promised.

“I-I don’t hate you…” Clarke had managed to say before her eyes rolled back and she fell unconscious again. Lexa sighed and pressed her forehead gently to Clarke’s before pulling the girl close to her chest and rising to her feet, calling for Abby and Nyko to be brought to her as soon as possible as she ran through the castle and back out to her camp.’

Lexa had been more than relieved when Abby and Nyko had told her Clarke would be ok.

She sat against the door of the throne room crying quietly, overwhelmed by everything. A gentle knock at the door startled Lexa to her feet and she scrambled to wipe her eyes. She took a deep breath and open the door to find Raven standing in the hall.

“Commander.” Raven nodded, moving past her into the throne room. Lexa closed the doors again and walked to her throne.

“What’s wrong?” Raven asked softly, watching her.

“Nothing. Everything’s fine. Clarke is resting.” Lexa lied, hiding her surprise.

“Commander, Lexa, its ok to tell the truth, we’re friends.” Raven told her. Lexa paused, sinking down into her throne.

“It’s too much… I don’t know what to do…” Lexa mumbled, putting her face in her hands.

“What’s too much?” Raven asked, stepping closer.

“Clarke… What if I can’t help her..? What if she doesn’t get better…? I don’t know what to do…” Lexa wondered miserably. She stiffened as she felt a hand rub her shoulders soothingly.

“It’ll be ok. Clarke’s tough. She needs you more than ever, even if she doesn’t want to. You just need to be patient. That’s all you can be. Patient and gentle. She’ll heal, don’t worry. Just be there.” Raven comforted. Lexa nodded.

Aden and Octavia sat quietly with their respective books as Clarke slept quietly. Though her body was still, her mind was anything but. Clarke was in and out of true sleep, sometimes feeling as if her mind was simply blank while others finding herself nearly drowning in her memories. Thankfully for her they played in some vague sort of order and she could do nothing but let herself drift.

‘It had been almost a month since her self-inflicted and enforced exodus. Clarke lay on her back near her pitiful attempt at a fire. Her stomach rumbled horribly and she was exhausted. It was the next day that she first encountered anyone. Mercifully a constantly cross and impatient warrior taught her to make fire and fish with a spear. Her savior had done well to hide their identity and disappeared on the seventh day. After that week, Clarke found herself well fed and always warm. It was during her second month in exile that she decided to dye her hair with berries and happened upon Nylah’s trade post. Nylah had been civil and kind to her and Clarke found herself returning there once a week almost. Definitely once every two weeks, she decided.’

‘Clarke snuck out of the trading post, reeking of Nylah and of sex. She was in too deep. Why couldn’t she stop thinking about Lexa? Wishing that it had been Lexa and not Nylah. She was caught horribly off guard as a rough hand clamped over her mouth and strong arms wrapped around her torso, pinning her own arms to her sides. She’d blacked out after that. When Clarke’s vision returned, she found herself bound and gagged. The rugged warrior holding the other end of her rope was watching her, rising to stand once he saw she was conscious. He dragged her to her feet and set off at a quick pace, forcing Clarke to keep up or risk being dragged and dislocating her shoulders. He didn’t say much to her whenever they stopped, and definitely didn’t take it well when she stabbed him and tried to drown him in a river. It had been four days since her capture when they ran into a group of hunters, much like the one that had her except significantly less friendly. They spoke in rapid angry sounding trig to her keeper before the fight began. Clarke ran as far and as fast as she could, only to be pinned down by a weight on her back. She was dragged back to the group of hunters and found herself in their care.

Pro’s?: She didn’t have to walk anymore as she was tied to the back of a horse.

Cons?: These guys were far less quiet than her prior captor, constantly jeering at her in broken English and trig. It also seemed like they were headed north, in the opposite direction of her former captors path. Everything was becoming white with snow and frost.

Thankfully she was bound up with leathers and furs. They obviously didn’t want her to die in the cold.’

Clarke shivered at the memory of the ice. It was cold and unforgiving like her tormenter. Clarke’s mind jumped into another memory.

‘She couldn’t breathe. There was a cloth over her face and icy cold water was being poured onto it. She was drowning, or at least that’s how it felt as her brain kept trying to enter its fight or flight responses. Her hands and legs were bound down to the table she was on. Somewhere in her mind, Clarke knew this in the old world had been called water boarding. How she knew that? She wasn’t even sure. The cloth was pulled off and she gasped for breath, greedily sucking in air as Nia laughed at her struggle. Then it began again and Clarke felt like she was drowning again.

“Why not just give up and embrace death Wanheda?” The queen asked softly in her ear. Clarke wished she could glare at the bitch.

“You’ve cost many people so much… Your poor mother. I heard you killed your father. Or at least, that you’re responsible for his death. And then she locked you away. Probably had no reason to keep seeing your face, seeing the pieces of him in you after that.” Nia cackled. Clarke clenched her fist, spitting in Nia’s face as soon as the cloth was removed and she was able to breathe for at least ten seconds. Nia recoiled and shouted something Clarke didn’t understand in rapid trig. Clarke was roughly readjusted, onto her stomach and shivered horribly as her shirt was cut in the back. She heard the whip before she felt the lashes, finding the strength to keep herself silent as the lashes fell. She lost count after 35 and blacked out from the pain.’

Clarke woke up gasping for breath, the scars and half healed wounds up and down her spine burned in response to the memory. Aden was at her side in an instant, trying to ground her.

“Clarke, you’re still burning up… You need to breathe.” She felt hands on her skin, moving from her neck to her forehead to her cheeks before disappearing completely. Everything around her was still so hazy.

“Octavia, run for Lexa, I don’t care what she’s doing, find her and bring her back here now! Clarke’s not responding! She’s too far gone for me to help right now she’s shutting me out! We NEED Lexa!” Clarke heard from a distance.

‘Lexa?’ She repeated mentally. She likes Lexa, Lexa was safe.

‘But I’m supposed to hate Lexa for betraying me…’ Another part of her mind pointed out. She shook her head. She didn’t hate Lexa. She hated the decision the girl made because of what it made Clarke do, but she didn’t hate Lexa. Suddenly she was wrapped up in a warm hold, her senses filled completely with Lexa. That beautiful gentle voice was saying things to her and Clarke struggled against the fog in her mind to listen.

“Clarke. You’re ok. I’m here. You’re safe, come back. Beja, come back to me Clarke, I’m here.” She heard Lexa’s voice plead softly. She felt her arms move and hands grip at the back of Lexa’s shirt, pulling the girl closer, her ear pressed against the Commanders’ chest. The steady heart beat is what finally lured Clarke’s mind back to the present.

“L-Lexa…?” Clarke mumbled, suddenly very aware of her position and just as confused.

“Shh. It’s ok... You’re back, its ok.” Lexa sighed relieved, pressing a kiss to the top of Clarke’s head, not letting her go.

“I can’t tell if she’s getting better or worse…” Octavia sighed after a while. Clarke was resting peacefully against Lexa who refused to move. Clarke needed to heal, she was the key to that. She wasn’t going to fuck it up.

‘I can’t lose Clarke too… I… I love her…’ Lexa decided, looking down at the blonde against her chest.

‘I need her.’ Two minds thought in unison.