Ready or Not
Clarke managed to sleep through the night in Lexa’s arms but when she woke up, the commander was nowhere to be seen. Clarke instantly sat up and looked around the room, only confirming what she already knew. Lexa was gone. Clarke felt her breathing hitch as she heard Nia’s voice cackle in her head.
’No one is safe around you Clarke. You kill everyone you care about, your own mother doesn’t want you anymore, you cost her her life partner! You thought the commander would be immune? HA! Commanders are built to die!’ The voice hissed. Clarke shook her head, stumbling out of bed. She staggered around the room like a drunk looking for something, anything to help her feel. Clarke’s eyes locked onto Lexa’s sword and she felt her stomach drop. Lexa never went anywhere without it. Not willingly, as far as Clarke knew. She stumbled over to the blade, fighting the design to get it out of the sheath.
‘It’s not real… Nothing real, this isn’t real… This won’t hurt... It’s not real.’ Clarke told herself as she held the blade against her palms. She took a deep breath and began to tighten her grip, the edges of the sword digging deep into her palms until blood pooled and spilled down out of her hands
“Klarke!”
“Clarke!”
“CLARKE!” Lexa, Aden, and Octavia exclaimed in unison. Lexa came out of the bathroom fully dressed and raced towards Clarke. Aden and Octavia had been entering the room after knocking and getting no response. They’d assumed Lexa and Clarke were still sleeping. Aden wrapped his arms around Clarke from behind while Lexa shouted in rapid trig for a healer and took her sword from Clarke, handing it off to Octavia who held it a few feet away from Clarke, well out of arms reach. Aden let her go as she sank to her knees dazed at the sight of Lexa, unable to support her weight. Clarke felt her eyes water as she instantly reached for the commander, who’d crouched to her level to look at her palms.
“Lexa…” Clarke sobbed, her breath hitching. She held Lexa’s face between her bloody palms, not registering the wounds.
“Sha Clarke. I’m here. Let me see your hands.” Lexa soothed. Clarke sat still, still out of it as Aden brought Lexa the healer’s kit.
“Octavia, run and get Nyko. Hurry please, bring him here.” Lexa told the young warrior. Octavia set the sword down away from Clarke and ran off. Lexa wrapped Clarke’s palms to try and stop the bleeding while they waited.
“Clarke… What happened..?” Lexa asked softly, holding Clarke’s hands together between her own.
“I-I… You weren’t… I’m not safe… I kill everyone… People die around me… N-Nia… N-Not even the Commander is… I thought… You were gone… Nia… I thought… It wasn’t real…” Clarke tried to explain, breaking off into choked sobs as a panic attack took over her system.
“Clarke, I’m here, breathe… I’m so sorry I scared you like that, I didn’t expect you to be awake before I was done. You’re safe. Nia is gone. You’re real, this is real, and you’re in Polis. I’m here, Aden is here. Breathe… Next time just call out for one of us.” Lexa soothed, bringing two of Clarke’s fingers to her neck, pressing them softly against her pulse point.
“I’m sorry…” Clarke whimpered, trying to shrink away.
“Don’t let her do that, she’ll withdraw Lexa… Contact. Keep her here with you.” Aden warned, gently pushing Clarke closer to Lexa. Lexa nodded and pulled the distressed blond into her lap, holding her firmly against her front.
“I’m here Clarke, you’re here. Listen to me, feel me. I’m right here. You don’t need to apologize, you’re ok.” Lexa purred, allowing Clarke to feel the rumble that accompanied her voice in her chest.
“Aden…” Clarke whimpered softly, reaching towards him. He knelt to her level and gently did as Lexa had, guiding two of her fingers to the pulse on his neck before holding her hands together away from her chest. Clarke was asleep again against Lexa’s chest when Octavia returned with Nyko. None of them wanted to risk waking her again by moving her yet. Nyko gently took Clarke’s hands from Aden, undoing the wraps to tend to the deep gashes on her palms.
“Heda, wash the wounds every day and re-apply this salve and then re-wrap her hands with a fresh bandage. Tell her to see me in two weeks to check the healing unless it starts to bleed badly.” Nyko instructed, leaving Lexa a roll of gauze wrap and multiple pots of the salve he’d used. Lexa nodded and softly thanked him as he left. Lexa slowly stood, lifting Clarke with her as she brought them back to the bed. She eased under the furs, keeping her back against the head board. She kept Clarke against her chest as she read through the reports she’d had Aden bring her before Clarke woke up. Aden and Octavia both pulled out their books, content to read as well.
Clarke woke up after a while but remained silent. She slowly pulled away from Lexa, who watched her cautiously. Aden looked up from his book and nudged Octavia to show her that Clarke had woken up.
“You ok, Clarke?” Octavia asked concerned.
“I-I’m sorry…” Clarke whimpered, nearly inaudibly.
“Clarke..?” Lexa asked confused, slowly setting her papers down to reach out for the blond. Clarke’s eyes widened in fear and she ran, disappearing out the door before any of them could stop her. Clarke found her way out of the tower and ran down the busy streets of Polis, following every turn and twist to get as far away from the tower as possible. She ran until she couldn’t anymore and her knee’s hit the cobblestone street. Clarke stayed where she was, panting to catch her breath.
“Clarke?” A voice called out. Clarke paused. She recognized that voice.
“R-Raven…” She tried, looking up at the mechanic.
“The one and only, Princess.” Raven grinned and Clarke found herself unable to mask a small smile in return.
“O said you were up in the tower with the Commander. You’re a bit far from there, what happened?” Raven asked. Clarke was silent.
“It’s alright. You don’t have to tell me anything. What about what happened to your wrists? Or your palms? Did that ice bitch do that to you?! Or Lexa? Cuz I swear I’ll fight the Commander.” Raven continued. Clarke just shook her head.
“Do you want to maybe come inside? I know the road is great and all, but you’ll be more comfortable in the shop.” Raven suggested, extending a hand down to Clarke.
“Ok…” Clarke agreed, ignoring the burning of her palm as Raven helped her to her feet and led her inside the wooden building.
“Wick, Monty, Bell and I set up shop here. Lexa gave us permission so we sell lights and simple stuff. Some of the others from Arcadia have shops around here too. At nights Monty works at the bar with some of the grounders. They loved his moonshine and struck a deal with him. Jasper was thrilled as you can imagine.” Raven paused to shake her head with a smile.
“Anyway, we also work with the metal smiths for some of our projects as well, we have so much to learn from one another, Clarke! It’s amazing!” Raven sighed happily, sitting Clarke down on something that resembled a couch.
“Arcadia..?” Clarke asked confused.
“Oh. Right. You probably only knew it as camp Jaha. We call it Arcadia now. It's almost like TonDc at this point. Indra and Kane get along really well, believe it or not. Lincoln helps too and Bell spends half his time there as well. We’ve grown a lot.” Raven explained. Clarke found herself smiling again.
“That’s good.” She nodded.
“Mhmm.” Raven hummed in agreement.
“Raven! Have you seen my-” A male voice called out as Bellamy wandered into the room. His hair was longer than Clarke remembered.
“Princess.” He paused surprised.
“B-Bellamy.” Clarke greeted shakily. She could feel her throat tighten and her breath catch.
“I thought you were up in the tower with Lexa.” Bellamy told her, moving closer.
“I w-was…” Clarke replied shrinking away from him. She still remembered the feel of his hand over hers as they pulled the lever at mount weather. She heard the screams from the innocent people in the dining room and suddenly the room melted away and all she saw were the burnt bodies crying out at her again. Clarke whimpered, pushing herself back against the couch.
“Ok, alright, Bell, get out. Go in the other room.” Raven ordered, moving towards Clarke. Bellamy nodded, hardening his expression as he left the room again.
“It’s ok Clarke. You’re alright. Breathe.” Raven instructed. She’s helped Jasper through his episodes and Bellamy through his nightmares, so Clarke’s panic attack was nothing new to Raven. She understood now why Octavia had told her Clarke might not be ready to see her.
“Clarke, what do you see?” Raven asked gently.
“The b-bodies… We burned all of them… I-I burned all of them…” Clarke gasped.
“No Clarke, focus, you’re here. What do you see?” Raven said firmly, repeating her question.
“D-Door… The door way…” Clarke mumbled.
“Good. That’s right Clarke, you’re here. What else do you see? I want five things.” Raven encouraged.
“The fire… Table… Chair… T-Tool bench… Raven, I burned the kids… They were innocent… The people that helped us too… Maya…” Clarke gasped. Raven firmly grabbed Clarke’s upper arm.
“No, you’re here, in Polis. Just one more thing Clarke, you’re doing so well, you’re here.” Raven urged, redirecting Clarke’s focus.
“Your brace…” Clarke managed to get out and Raven nodded in approval.
“Good Clarke. Now, tell me four things you can hear.” Raven continued.
“Uh… Horses… People calling… Footsteps… Creaking..?” Clarke listed hesitantly as she strained to hear.
“That’s great Clarke. I want you to tell me three things you can touch and feel.” Raven nodded, watching her. Clarke nodded taking a deep breath.
“The couch… The wrap on my palms… Y-You..” Clarke hesitated, reaching slowly for Raven. Raven smiled and put Clarke’s fingers to her pulse.
“I’m right here. We’re almost done. Give me two things you smell, Clarke.” Raven encouraged.
“Smoke… Something cooking…” Clarke told her. Raven grinned.
“It’s lunch time. For the last thing, tell me one thing you taste.” The mechanic finished.
“Blood… I think I bit my cheek or something while I was running…” Clarke admitted.
“How do you feel now?” Raven asked, standing up.
“Better… Thanks Rae…” Clarke said softly.
“No problem Princess.” Raven shrugged. She wondered when she’d become the responsible one. She managed to get some food in Clarke and the two talked for a while, catching up. Clarke was amazed to learn about everything that had happened during both her absence and her imprisonment. Skaikru had become the thirteenth clan and Lexa had sent some of her people to Arcadia to help Indra teach the sky people how to make things and were currently helping them prepare for their first harvest season as winter was almost over now. Clarke had been too preoccupied to notice the chill in the air while she ran. She’d met the cold of the north in her time of captivity. She was also shocked to learn that while Kane was the Chancellor, her mother had been selected as the representative of the sky people in the clan meetings.
“I thought my mother hated the grounders?” Clarke asked confused. Raven flashed her another grin.
“Oh she did. But as soon as she saw the effort Lexa was putting towards fighting with that ice bitch and rallying her forces for a siege, your mom bullied Kane into letting her find forces to send and forming the initial alliance with Lexa to help get you back.” Raven explained. Clarke sat silently. When Raven noticed that Clarke was beginning to tire, she brought her a blanket and let Clarke rest on the couch, finding work to be done in the shop. Raven warned Monty and Wick of Clarkes presence and of her apparent PTSD while she worked with them in the workshop.
As the sun began to set, there was a rapid pounding at the door and Raven opened it to let a panicked Octavia in.
“Jesus O, what’s wrong?” Raven asked, bringing her into the workshop.
“Clarke’s been gone for hours now and Lexa’s worrying herself to death… She hurt herself and then ran away and we thought she’d be back by now and-” Octavia babbled, falling silent to Ravens raised hand.
“Be quiet and follow me.” Raven ordered. Octavia nodded and Raven led her into the house and into the living room where Clarke still lay sleeping on the couch.
“Rae! How did she-!” Octavia exclaimed, her sentence cut off as Raven shoved her into the kitchen and shut the door to the living room.
“Shut up, you’ll wake her up!” Raven growled. Octavia looked at her surprised.
“Look, she was running and stopped outside of the shop. She was exhausted. So I brought her in here and helped her through the panic attack Bellamy accidently caused. I gave her something to eat and we talked. Then she got tired, which is entirely understandable, so I got her a fur and she’s been asleep since.” Raven explained pinching the bridge of her nose in frustration.
“We were so worried. She just took off. Something spooked her.” Octavia sighed.
“You said she hurt herself?” Raven asked, it was her turn to get some answers about her friend.
“Yeah. She slit her wrists and then this morning she messed up her palms with Lexa’s sword. Aden says it’s because she’s been losing her grip and detaching or something.” Octavia told her.
“Disassociating?” Raven corrected. Octavia nodded.
“What happened this morning?” Raven demanded.
“I don’t know. We went into her room and Clarke had Lexa’s sword and her hands were bleeding badly. Lexa shouted for the healers and gave me the sword to keep away from Clarke. Aden said it was because she couldn’t find Lexa when she woke up and freaked out.” Octavia explained.
“Who the hell is Aden?” Raven asked confused.
“He’s one of the nightbloods but apparently he’s gone through something similar so the Commander is having him help her help Clarke. He’s pretty cool and can react to Clarke before Clarke reacts. He reads her and the Commander easily.” Octavia replied fondly.
“You said something about Clarke freaking out because of Lexa?” Raven pressed.
“Yeah. I don’t know what’s up with them, but Clarke gets nervous when the commander isn’t around. I thought she hated Lexa. Aden said something about Clarke seeing Lexa as a safe place, as her ground because she’s vulnerable right now.” Octavia tried to explain with a shrug.
“That actually makes sense. Jasper was the same way with Monty and I at first. We didn’t have the heart to tell him Monty helped Clarke and Bell. Jas would freak out and panic if one of us wasn’t constantly around him. It wore off after a couple of months when he got a bit better but he still always tries to be around Monty. We helped him through his nightmares and episodes when he couldn’t even look at Bellamy.” Raven nodded.
“I’m gonna go tell Lexa Clarke is safe.” Octavia decided, moving towards the door to the shop.
“If she intends to come here, Commander or not, she better not be here until tomorrow. Clarke needs to rest, I can handle her for tonight.” Raven told her firmly. Octavia nodded and ran off. Raven watched her go before sighing and setting up a place to sleep in the living room near Clarke. It was going to be a long night.