Friends?
The nurses watched as the woman walked back and forth in front of the hospital entrance. She had been there for a while and they were almost tempted to call security.
The woman eventually walked up to their desk, and the nurses immediately calmed down. Maybe it was the way she carried herself – exuding power and confidence – or the way she looked – strong and otherworldly – or the way she spoke – with a regality and control none of them had ever experienced before – but they were immediately put at ease.
So when she asked them to page Dr. Griffin, they didn’t hesitate.
If her nerves hadn’t been making a mush of her insides, Lexa would have laughed at the nurses. She had been told many times that she had a charm like no other, and it seemed that, even while freaking out, Lexa was extremely charismatic. One nurse in particular had been giving Lexa the most unbelievable sex eyes since she walked in, but the law intern’s mind was preoccupied by a blue-eyed blonde doctor somewhere else in the building.
Lexa’s attention was caught when another figure walked up to the desk and froze. Her head turned and green eyes locked with blue and everything melted away.
The figure before her was dressed in the most mundane, dirty scrubs she had ever seen, with blonde hair in a messy ponytail atop her head – but Lexa couldn’t remember seeing anything so beautiful before.
As soon as blue eyes fell upon the person standing at the counter, Clarke lost the ability to think. Lexa was standing before her in a charcoal grey suit that should have been illegal. The blonde knew that Lexa was in shape from the times that she had seen the law intern in the last many months, but this suit showed it off in so many new ways.
Grey pants clung to toned legs as if painted on. Clarke refused to openly ogle the brunette’s backside, but she had no doubt that that would also be perfect. She was wearing a dark blue shirt that rivaled the intensity of the night sky, tucked deep into her pants and accentuating the grey blazer she wore over it, both pulled over her shoulders and around her arms to show off just how solid she was, looking as though she had been made to imitate Roman statues, chiseled to depict the perfection of the gods.
The sound of a stack of papers falling on the counter next to them pulled them both out of their internal reveries, suddenly being pulled back to the world around them. Clarke’s head whipped back to the nurses standing next to her, face once again a mask of complete professionalism.
“I was paged here. Is there a chart I need to look at?”
The nurse with the sex eyes – Harper – said, “Tall, Dark, and Handsome here asked us to call you, actually.”
“Do you make a habit of paging doctors for every stranger that walks in, Nurse Cox?”
The nurses looked appropriately abashed. None of the nurses would have seen it, but Lexa definitely saw the slight softening of Clarke’s features. The blonde shook her head and chuckled under her breath at the sheepish nurses behind the desk before putting the folder in her hand down in the bin and turning to face Lexa once more.
“Is there something you needed, Lexa?”
The brunette’s breath caught in her throat once more at hearing Clarke say her name. She didn’t think she would ever get used to being able to hear it once again.
Seeing a tired eyebrow quirk upwards, the law intern realized that she had been silent for longer than she had intended. “Oh! Yea, actually. Octavia told me that you get off work at 2 today and I was wondering if you would be completely against the idea of grabbing lunch…?”
If Clarke wasn’t so damn guarded, she would have found the other girl’s flustered speech endearing. However, she wasn’t prepared to allow herself to feel anything – especially in front of her coworkers – so she merely studied her ex-girlfriend’s face.
“I have an appointment in the evening, but I might be able to get away for a little bit. I’ll need a few minutes to be done here.”
“That’s fine!” the law intern said with more enthusiasm that was probably appropriate. “Whenever you’re free works for me; I don’t want to rush you or anything. I’ll just, uh, I’ll meet you out there when you’re done.”
Clarke watched as the brunette bumped and bumbled her way out of the hospital, easily bumping into a few people and a cart. It had been so long since the medical student had been with her ex-girlfriend by herself and she had no idea why she agreed to this meal.
“So, Dr. Griffin, is this a special someone we should know about?”
The glare shot their way was more than enough to shut the nurses up.
Having changed out of her scrubs, Clarke made her way out of the hospital. She saw Lexa standing on the side, leaning against the wall and waiting for her.
As soon as the door opened, Lexa pushed off the wall. Her breath caught once again when she saw Clarke. The medical student looked more haggard than Lexa had seen her in a long time, but it wasn’t a miserable kind of tired. She was dressed in well-fitted jeans and a simple purple and black flannel shirt. The sleeves were rolled up to just under Clarke’s elbows, showing off the watch on her right hand.
The law intern was brought out of her stupor by the sound of a clearing throat. She hadn’t actually realized that Clarke had somehow made it to standing right in front of her while Lexa was too busy absorbing the fact that the younger blonde was actually there.
“Oh! Right. Sorry.” Lexa fumbled slightly, not knowing what to say or what to do with herself. Wringing her hands together she said, “Do you have anything in particular that you would be interested in eating right now? I have a feeling a fancy sit-down restaurant is probably a little much for just getting off such a long shift.”
Blue eyes studied the brunette before them, silently taking in everything about the other girl. After a few moments of continued silence, Lexa spoke up once again: “Well, how would you feel about just sitting in the car until we decide what we want to do?”
Clarke merely nodded, following the law student to her car before stopping at the back. She didn’t know if she was quite ready to get in the car at that point. It was stupid, she knew, that she would feel such a connection to a car that she had only ever seen in real life once; but she and Lexa had dreamt about this car together for so long that she felt like there were still abstract memories all around it, dreams that had kept her motivated to stay alive for so many years that she was slowly losing her hold over.
Lexa stood by her own open door, silently observing the girl behind her. The younger student was standing stock still, not moving a thing other than her eyes. Clarke seemed to be taking in every little detail of the car before her. Lexa herself ran her eyes over it briefly, realizing easily what must have caused Clarke’s freeze.
Memories not dissimilar from Clarke’s ran through Lexa’s head whenever she let herself really look at the car. Images that they had created between themselves, ideas brought to life in their heads while they lay together on their bed, sharing space and breath and life and love.
The memories were enough to poke the scabbed-over wound that was ever present on Lexa’s heart; she had a feeling that Clarke’s emotions in that moment were causing her significantly more trouble than Lexa’s were causing her.
Shutting the door softly, Lexa made her way over to where the blonde was still standing frozen, “Clarke, if you’d feel more comfortable walking somewhere, that’s more than fine as well. There’s plenty that we can do in this area.”
Clarke’s head shot over to see Lexa standing right next to her. She hadn’t noticed when it had happened, but she didn’t know whether to be comforted by her presence or put off by the proximity.
Blue eyes studied the law student’s face, trying to grasp whether or not she was being completely genuine in her offer to stay in the area. Clarke was still unused to people ever asking her what she was comfortable with doing.
Realizing that her ex-girlfriend was probably well out of her comfort zone, Lexa offered her a small smile and locked her car. The beep seemed to break Clarke out of her trance and the quick flash of fear on her face did not go unnoticed by the older brunette. She wanted nothing more than to be able to reach her hand out and grasp the younger girl’s, but she had no idea what the blonde would be okay with. Lexa knew from the beginning that Clarke probably wouldn’t have wanted to go out with her, and it didn’t surprise her that she might have only agreed because she didn’t know how to refuse. The last thing Lexa wanted was to make Clarke feel even more out of control.
“Come, Clarke. It’s a beautiful day for a walk.”
The two set out on foot. As they made it out of the parking lot and into the sun, they stayed close enough together that they would be reassured of each other’s presence. Eventually, however, Clarke’s hand brushed against Lexa’s and both girl’s felt the contact send shivers up their arms. Lexa’s head turned to the side to see nothing but tension all through Clarke’s features.
They walked separately.
Lexa steered them to a small burger place in the middle of a shopping outlet area. It was just after the lunch rush for that Sunday, so the whole complex was relatively empty.
Clarke and Lexa found a booth towards the back of the joint. Lexa waited a minute for Clarke to decide where she wanted to sit, and she was not surprised when the tortured blonde picked the seat against the corner wall, allowing her to see the entire room around her.
They sat in silence for some time, simply trying to gather their thoughts. It had been five years since they had been out together anywhere, and even for that last year together they didn’t do much together out of their apartment. The space that had grown between them back then was suffocating them even until that day.
It didn’t help that it was five years and one day to the day that Clarke had left. Lexa had contemplated contacting Clarke the previous day, but knowing that she was out with Octavia and then had work, the law intern didn’t want to bother the younger girl.
If she was being completely honest, however, Lexa would be able to admit that she was too nervous to actually send a message. She knew for a fact that, if she showed up at Clarke’s place of work, she would have no choice but to talk to her.
Both girls were zoned out, thinking about things going through their minds a-mile-a-minute, when a server came to their table. He eyed the two girls carefully before making his way over, noting how they sat stiffly in complete silence. Standing next to them, there was no way to deny that they had some sort of charged air between them, and he could only pray that there was no confrontation. His shift was almost over and he didn’t know if he would have the energy to deal with any shit.
“What can I get for you ladies today?”
Clarke was pulled out of her musings by a deep voice right next to her. She wasn’t expecting anyone to be there and jumped up off the seat. Landing back down, she had pushed herself further into the corner and clenched her hands in front of her. Almost immediately, she felt a soft hand cover her own and blue eyes shot in that direction.
Lexa kept her gaze on Clarke’s face, watching emotions flicker across her features. She placed her hand over the fist clenched on the table and hoped that the contact would help calm the girl down. She had no idea what sort of horrors were playing through the blonde’s mind, but she was more than 100% positive that they were absolute terrors.
“It’s okay, Clarke; you’re okay. I won’t let anything happen to you, I promise. You’re safe.”
The law intern kept whispering quiet reassurances, hoping her ex-girlfriend would hear what she was saying and believe her. She was vaguely aware of the waiter backing away from the table and going back to the counter. Not wanting to take too much attention away from the blonde quivering before her, Lexa didn’t think anything of it yet.
Clarke kept her gaze locked on green eyes, allowing the color to comfort her racing thoughts. She could hear words being spoken, and she could almost think that someone was speaking to her, but nothing was making it through the storm in her mind. The medical student could see the brunette’s lips moving, plump and luscious, beautiful and downturned to match the concern dancing across her face.
The one thing completely tethering Clarke to reality was the feeling of warmth on her hand. She could feel the tension across the back of her fist, running all the way up the muscle to her elbow. The warmth wasn’t coming from her own fist, but another hand wrapped around her own. Clarke knew that hand, too – almost better than she would know her own hand.
There had been so many hands to touch her over the years. Clarke had absolutely no reason to believe any longer that her body was actually hers. She had been touched and beaten and caressed and bloodied and thrown around so much, she wasn’t even sure she was alive half the time. The hand on her now, though, touched her in a way she forgot even existed. This hand touched her in a way that could make her feel as though she deserved it. As though its owner wasn’t going to use that same hand to try and tear another hole into her psyche.
The skin was soft and warm, comforting to feel and almost pleasant to be under. Clarke had almost no idea what to really think of it. She wanted to think that it would be okay, that she could trust this hand, but she was hard pressed to let the feeling break through her defenses.
Once the first little crack in her reserve showed up, her own protection reared its ugly head. All of a sudden, she was no longer in this burger place being comforted by her ex-girlfriend – no, she was back in their apartment, five years younger and far less tortured, being told by the woman she loved to “just get over it already”.
That voice echoed through her head and she clenched her eyes shut. Clarke had no way to get it out of her head on her own and, without realizing it, started pressing it harder and harder against the corner of the booth behind her.
As soon as Lexa saw Clarke start tapping her head against the booth, she was up and out of her seat, rounding the table and scooting in next to the blonde. She grabbed both of the medical student’s hands and brought them up to her chest, holding them tightly against the blonde’s body. Lexa held them there with her left hand while her right came up and gently cupped Clarke’s face, touching her as gently as possible but strong enough to turn her head and bring blue eyes to meet her own.
Blue eyes met green and all movement stopped cold. Clarke stared at Lexa’s face with her eyes wide open and jaw hanging down. Lexa could see the turmoil hiding deep within, a fire raging behind the shrouded ocean, and was at a loss. The brunette no longer had all the tools necessary to help the younger girl at her disposal.
Giving her a small smile, Lexa slowly eased her grip off of Clarke’s arms and allowed her body to relax a little bit. As she did so, she was speaking: “You’re okay, Clarke. I promise you, nothing will happen. I’ve got you; you’re safe.”
As soon as Lexa’s hands were off of Clarke, the younger blonde started breathing heavily again. Her pupils dilated even further and her chest started expanding rapidly. Not stopping to think, Lexa quickly leaned forward and pressed her lips to the blonde’s forehead.
She could taste the sweat under her lips, smell the shampoo in her hair, and feel the skin against her own face. She kept her hand on Clarke’s cheek, softly soothing her thumb over the skin there.
Lexa rested her nose against the girl’s forehead after a moment and pressed a kiss into a blonde hairline before barely whispering, “I’m here, Princess. No one can hurt you.”
The law intern pulled back slightly at the whimper that was released from the mouth so close to her own. She moved even further to create more of a distance, allowing Clarke some space once again.
Clarke’s eyes were screwed shut at that point and, as soon as blue orbs were revealed to the older brunette once again, Lexa felt her heart throb. There was a sheen of tears teetering on the edge of Clarke’s eyelids, barely held back by whatever walls the haunted girl had managed to keep up.
Lexa allowed herself to rest against the seat fully, pulling her body away from Clarke’s completely, when she heard the medical student clear her throat. Blue eyes finally tore themselves away from the forest within green ones as Clarke looked around to survey the rest of the restaurant. The few other patrons that were actually in the joint with them were on the other side and didn’t seem to be paying them any mind. The servers behind the counter, however, were another story.
The male server had gone back to the counter after leaving Clarke and Lexa’s table and walked up to the girl working the floor with him.
“Hey, I think you should take that table.”
Niylah turned her head and gave John the most exasperated look. While he was on the verge of finishing her shift, Niylah had just started hers. Neither one of them was quite eager to take a table that could cause problems. “Just because you don’t want to deal with the awkwardness doesn’t mean that I have to do it for you. I mean – “
“No, Niy, it’s not awkwardness. I don’t know if they’re…comfortable with me being their server.” At the quirked eyebrow he got in response, Murphy rolled his eyes and said, “Look, I walked over there and the blonde practically jumped out of her seat. I don’t know how okay she is with me being there.”
“Murphy, just because you startled the girl doesn’t mean she can’t stand you. Just go and do your job.”
“Dammit, Niylah, I don’t care if she doesn’t like me. I just know what a fucking victim looks like when I see one, okay?”
Seeing the way Murphy’s shoulders seemed to square themselves into an even more defensive stance, Niylah lost some of the fight in herself. She looked back towards the table as she heard some commotion and saw the blonde John was talking about in the corner. The brunette had made her way around the table and was currently trying to soothe her.
Niylah turned back to Murphy, soft eyes falling on the way he was looking off into the distance. It didn’t take a genius to put two and two together and figure out where the other waiter was coming from. He always acted like an absolute asshole, but she realized now that he actually did care about other people. She would have to talk to him about that later.
The dirty blonde turned her head to look at the table once more and saw both of its occupants looking their way. Giving John a small pat on his arm, she walked past him and made her way to their table.
As Niylah approached the two girls, she noticed them spread a bit of distance between themselves, but their hands remained clasped together. The next thing she noticed was the electric blue eyes trained on her face, and she felt the breath leave her body. She had never seen eyes that colour before and she used the time it took her to reach the table to gather her thoughts, not wanting to make the poor girls any more uncomfortable than they probably already were.
“Good afternoon, ladies. My name is Niylah and I’ll be helping you out today. Is there anything I can get started for you?”
Lexa eyed the server, glancing behind her quickly to see the guy that had come to the table before watching them. She narrowed her eyes at the girl – Niylah – before she felt Clarke’s hand tighten its hold on her hand.
Green eyes turned over to the blonde to see her eyes glazed over while looking at the menu. Not entirely sure she wanted to know what thoughts were racing through her ex-girlfriend’s mind, Lexa tried to distract her.
“Do you know what you want, Princess?”
Blue eyes shot up to the brunette, noticing only then that the law intern was eyeing her intently. The concern written across her features rendered Clarke incapable of speaking for a moment so Lexa decided to speak up again.
“Why don’t we get drinks for now, and then you can decide what you want. Is that okay with you, Clarke?”
Clarke wasn’t too sure what to do. She wasn’t used to making decisions for herself in public. It had been so long since she sat down to eat in a restaurant without some guy telling her what had too many calories for her to eat. Blue eyes studied the menu before her, overwhelmed by the multitude of options she had available to her.
Noticing the lost look on the blonde’s face, Lexa turned to the waitress and asked for two Sprites with low ice.
The waitress walked away and Lexa kept her eyes on Clarke’s face. She could see that there was something on her mind, causing blue eyes to remain trained strictly on the menu, glazed over and unfocused.
Not wanting to overstep any bounds or make the blonde uncomfortable, Lexa gently called her name until those blue eyes turned to look at her face. Even then, Clarke wouldn’t look her in the eyes. The medical student flitted her eyes all over Lexa’s face, looking confused and unsure.
Keeping her voice as gentle as possible, the law intern asked, “What would you like to eat, Clarke?”
Clarke kept looking at Lexa’s face, not saying a word.
Lexa sighed, before turning her body even more to face the girl next to her. She gently placed her hand next to the medical intern’s where it was sitting on the table. Blue eyes flitted over to keep note of the motion and Lexa looked over as well. After a moment, green eyes trained themselves on Clarke’s face once more.
"You have nothing to worry about, love. You can get anything you want to eat today. Think of it as a late birthday lunch.”
Clarke’s eyes screwed shut at the mention of her birthday, and she turned her head slightly to the side. Lexa realized immediately that maybe bringing up her birthday wasn’t such a good idea.
She had no idea what the issue was, though. She didn’t know what had Clarke so locked into her head and she didn’t want to pry anywhere she wasn’t welcome to try and find out.
Clarke couldn’t look away from their hands. She wanted so desperately to just move over an inch and touch Lexa, feel her warmth and comfort, but she knew she couldn’t. Lexa was pure, Lexa was good – Clarke wasn’t. Clarke didn’t deserve to touch Lexa and make her dirty, but –
Lexa was talking to her? Why? Lexa was talking to her and saying nice things and calling her good names. Lexa said she could eat whatever she wanted. Lexa said she was going to do a nice thing for her birthday. Was this Her Lexa again? She hadn’t seen Her Lexa in years, and Clarke didn’t know how to recognize her.
The last birthday that Clarke had had with her old family had been without Her Lexa. Her Lexa had been with Costia and didn’t want to deal with the mess in Clarke’s life.
The medical student’s gaze remained trained on the hand next to her own, trying desperately to understand why on earth her ex-girlfriend was sitting next to her. She didn’t know why Lexa was calling her names again; they weren’t together anymo –
Oh.
Maybe Lexa wanted something. Lexa knew what she did for Jaha, maybe that’s why she came to her that day. Maybe that’s why Lexa was taking her out. That was something Clarke could understand. That made sense.
Clarke felt a warmth on her hand and her head shot up, searching the brunette’s face for any indication as to what was going to happen next.
Lexa immediately pulled her hand away from Clarke’s, pulling both of her arms up so her hands were by her face.
“Whoa! Hey, don’t worry, Clarke. I’m not going to do anything. I just wanted to give you a heads up that the waitress is coming back.”
Through her peripherals, the medical student noticed the figure walking towards them with a tray in her hands, and slowly released some of the tension in her body.
Lexa spoke up again, “Clarke, would you feel more comfortable if I moved back to the other side of the table? I don’t want to take your space.”
The blonde’s head cocked to the side, confused. Why would Lexa be offering her a person bubble if she was just going to buy her for some time later? Unless that wasn’t Lexa’s plan – but then none of this made any sense.
As Niylah walked up to the table with the drinks, she saw the brunette get up and make her way to the other side of the table. She scooted into the seat there and offered the blonde – Clarke – a smile.
Niylah cleared her throat, “Here are your drinks, ladies. Do you know what you’d like to eat, or would you like some time?”
Lexa noticed that the waitress was keeping her distance from the table and was giving Clarke a look. The law intern almost got defensive, but the look in the dirty blonde’s eyes was not one of judgment. There was a look of understanding and recognition on her face that made Lexa take a deep breath and keep her wits about her.
Both older girls moved their eyes to Clarke, waiting for her to say anything about food. Blue eyes remained locked on the waitress, however, her head cocked to the side silently.
Lexa spoke up instead, causing Niylah to turn her head.
“Can we get a platter with seasoned fries and mozzarella sticks, and one plate of Mac-n-Cheese, please?” Green eyes flickered over to the medical student before a small smirk crossed her face, “And some Ranch dressing as well.”
Niylah tried to keep herself as pleasant as possible, layering her ‘Customer Service’ voice on very thick. “You most certainly can! I’ll have that out for you two as soon as possible.”
Clarke’s eyes shot over to Lexa as she ordered, remaining there even after their server walked away. The brunette had ordered exactly what Clarke would have ordered. Which shouldn’t have been all that surprising, but Clarke wasn’t expecting that Lexa would remember her order.
When they were still together, lives still beautifully intertwined in every way possible, Lexa and Clarke used to have a monthly date at a diner by their apartment. That place had the absolute best mozzarella sticks and seasoned fries either of them had ever had, and Clarke ordered them every single time they went.
Lexa could feel Clarke’s gaze on her, and she wished desperately that she could know what the younger blonde was thinking. Instead, she set about getting her place set up for the food to come.
Niylah walked back to the table with the food in her hand after a few minutes. She knew that there were other customers in the store, but these two girls had easily become her priority customers. There was just something about the quiet blonde, with the haunted look in her eyes shrouding layers and layers of beauty and depth, that captivated her. She wanted to get to know the girl’s story, but there was no way she was going to try and get between the two girls. They so obviously had some sort of connection, one that no one should even try to break.
“Alright! Here you are ladies. And here, I brought some extra dressing for you both as well,” she said as she placed the food on the table. Receiving a thank you from the brunette, Niylah smiled back and walked away.
Clarke eyed the food before quickly moving her gaze back to the brunette across from her. This would be the moment of truth. Was Lexa going to eat this food and not let Clarke have any? Was that what this was about? Put Clarke’s favourite food in front of her and eat it all, not letting her have any herself?
The medical student was taken by surprise when Lexa split all the food in half and gave Clarke one whole plate.
Lexa could feel Clarke’s eyes on her, watching her every move, and was once again struck with how desperately she wanted to know what was going on in the tortured girl’s mind.
The look of shock on Clarke’s face as the food was placed in front of her did not pass Lexa’s notice. The law intern could only guess what sparked that reaction, but she was almost certain that it was nothing good.
Deciding to take it the other way, Lexa said, “Oh my bad! Did you want some more?”
Clarke’s eyes widened almost comically as Lexa removed some of the food from her own plate and put it on Clarke’s.
When blue eyes looked up and locked with green. Lexa gave her a soft smile. “You can eat as much as you’d like, Clarke. We can get some more if you want, as well.”
The medical student kept her eyes trained on her ex-girlfriend, not entirely trusting of what was going on. Things had been relatively okay between them in the time since they ran into one another, but Clarke had no idea how to live without expecting another shoe to drop on her head as soon as she got comfortable. She had no idea who Lexa really was anymore; everyone changes over time, who’s to say Lexa hadn’t? Of course, that kind of thinking sent a pang of guilt through Clarke’s chest, because she knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that Lexa would never end up as one of those people.
Clarke’s attention was brought back to the situation at hand as she noticed movement in front of her. Lexa had started eating her food and talking, not really bothering to wait for a response. The law intern really wanted nothing more than to let Clarke feel comfortable – to feel normal.
Blue eyes stayed on Lexa, watching as she ate and spoke animatedly. The law intern was talking about everything from the most recent cases she was going over with Gustus, to things that Raven and Octavia did, to things she saw on the road.
After some time, Clarke seemed to realize that things weren’t going to be going completely sour immediately. Hesitantly, the blonde reached her hand forward to grab one of the fries from the plate in front of her. She eyed it carefully, looking from the fry to Lexa’s face, hoping to see any sort of reaction from the brunette that would tell her to put the food down immediately.
Lexa wasn’t even slightly fazed, however. She didn’t stop her story and she didn’t stop eating either. Clarke’s eyes shot over to the servers behind the counter, noticing that they seemed to be in the middle of a conversation, before bringing them back to the girl in front of her.
She slowly lifted the fry up to her face, trying to ignore the way her mouth started to water as the smell wafted into her nose. It had been such a long time since she had eaten anything like it.
The first touch of the potato to her tongue, Clarke felt an explosion of flavor. Her breath caught in her throat and the fry sat in her mouth for a moment. She didn’t chew – or move at all, really – but just let it sit there. The taste was something she hadn’t experienced in years and she was lost to the memories it brought up.
Clarke couldn’t help but relive the moments flashing through her mind: the uncountable times she and Lexa had gone out to their favourite diner; the times she had been told to lose weight by Jaha and Cage and Nia; the times she ate with Anya and Indra and Lincoln and Lexa; the days on end she spent as a teenager, having to keep food in front of her face constantly without being allowed to eat even a bite; the time she and Lexa had tried to make seasoned fries at home and failed miserably, only to end up on the floor of their living room eating shitty French fries and laying completely intertwined and smiling together and laughing together and just being alive together.
Clarke hadn’t experienced life like that in years, and this one single fry brought it all back.
Lexa watched as Clarke froze, mouth clenched shut and blue eyes completely unfocused on anything. For a second, the law intern was concerned that her ex-girlfriend was going to have an episode, but she remembered that the blonde only had myoclonic seizures and would be very obvious.
She allowed the girl some time to gather her thoughts and bring herself back, but after a few minutes Clarke was still completely out of it and Lexa was starting to get worried. She reached forward and placed her hand over the medical student’s, waiting until she got a response.
When Clarke focused back on her face, Lexa asked her softly, “Are you okay, Clarke? Do you need your inhaler?”
Clarke shook herself out of her thoughts and finally focused on the girl in front of her once more. On one hand she was surprised that Lexa would have remembered or made a connection with her inhaler on her own, but on the other hand it wasn’t completely unexpected. Lexa had always been incredibly attentive.
Shaking her head to indicate that she was fine, Clarke offered Lexa what she hoped was a smile and reached out to pick up another French fry.
(She made sure to eat the rest of her fries as soon as she put them in her mouth, because French fries get soggy if they sit on your tongue and soggy fries are gross)
They sat in silence for some time, both girls eating their food and trying to swallow past the tension at the table. Lexa hadn’t wanted the day to be uncomfortable, but she knew that there was some awkwardness that just couldn’t be avoided. She and Clarke had been together for years, they lived together, shared a home, shared a family, shared a life, and then didn’t see each other for almost four years. Spending time together now was bound to be at least a little tense.
Lexa watched Clarke as she ate, as though she were savoring every bite as her last. The blonde kept flicking her eyes around the room, settling them in one spot for a moment, if that, before moving to capture the next image. The law intern kept talking as her ex-girlfriend took stock of every thing around them – and every change in those things – hoping that some sense of normalcy would help Clarke feel even a little more comfortable.
She wanted to start talking. It was true that she did have another reason for inviting Clarke out for lunch today, but she didn’t know how to approach a conversation without making the poor girl put up her walls before she even started speaking.
When there were only a few fries left in their plates, Lexa jumped in.
“I’m sorry, Clarke. I didn’t mean for you to be uncomfortable today. I just – I had something I wanted to say.”
A ha. There it was. Clarke knew that there was something more going on; there was no way Lexa would have invited her out and bought her food if she didn’t want something. People don’t just do that, especially people that think you’re a burden.
Clarke was pulled from her thoughts as the brunette started speaking again.
“I’ve had a lot of time to think lately. I’ve been able to remember things and really reflect on what they mean and where they came from. And with all of that, I had one thing that I wanted to say to you, but it seemed pathetic compared to my actual thoughts. I have no idea how to tell you what I’m trying to say without it being completely lame.
“I mean, I speak for a living, you know? I’m supposed to look into something, figure out what it means and where it comes from and where it’s gonna go and what happens with it, and convince everyone else to see it from my own perspective with evidence and facts that are presented to me. And I’m damn good at my job, too. I’ve never completely failed at it. But, for some reason, I can’t get myself put together enough to apologize to you.”
Clarke’s mouth slipped open slightly. Her mind had been flying through all of the different things Lexa might want her for, trying to figure out where this was going to go. She knew that her ex-girlfriend wouldn’t take her like everyone else who bought her time, but maybe she wanted something else? Some work done around the apartment (but she had friends for that), or work done on her car (she had Raven for that, too), or, the thing that scared Clarke more than any other, Lexa needed medical help. Whatever she could’ve thought up, though, she definitely wouldn’t have expected an apology.
Lexa was still talking. “I know it’s been forever since things happened, and I know it’s been some time since we first ran into each other again, but it’s been so hard for me to be able to articulate what I’ve been thinking. And then I realized that, if I wait and keep on trying to come up with some eloquently scripted speech to give you, telling you how absolutely inexcusably fucking sorry I am, it would never happen.
“There’s no perfect way to tell you how I feel now, and there’s no perfect way for me to present it to you. I can’t treat this like a case of mine, where I have to say the right thing in the right way to win; you’re not something to win. You’re not a jury of strangers or a judge I’ve never met before that I’ve gotta convince of someone else’s innocence or guilt. In this case, I’m the one in the wrong.
“I can’t even find it in me to try and defend myself. That’s not what this is about and that’s another reason I stopped trying to figure out what to say. I have to right to try, and there’s nothing that I could say or do that would actually make up for how badly I absolutely fucked everything up.
A sheepish smile crossed Lexa’s face then, as she realized that she had been rambling. She looked down and took a few deep breaths, trying to gather herself enough to get to her point.
Her head shot up as she felt a hand on hers. Green eyes searched deep into blue, trying to find what reason her ex-girlfriend could possibly have for trying to comfort her. Despite her best attempts, she could see nothing but guarded concern.
Clarke could see the brunette struggling. She could see the turmoil and conflict written all over Lexa’s face and she wished that she could just take it all away. Despite everything, no matter what happened between them, Clarke hadn’t been able to make herself erase how she cared for Lexa. There was a connection that the older girl had with Clarke’s heart, some hold over the medical student’s emotions that wouldn’t let her disconnect from the girl who both broke her heart and held her together. Whatever that connection was, Clarke could feel Lexa’s pain through her whole body.
Before she could even think about what she was doing, Clarke’s hand reached out and placed itself over Lexa’s. The contact sent a jolt through the medical student’s body, emphasizing the pain already present at her ex-girlfriend’s words. When green eyes met hers, Clarke knew that she had done the right thing. She didn’t know if she would be able to give herself to Lexa again, or if there was even any of herself left to give, or allow herself to acknowledge the burning sensation in her hand where it was touching Lexa’s skin,
Clarke kept her guard up, walls set firmly in place not allowing any emotion to get through. She watched as Lexa took one more deep breath and continued talking.
“I have no right to ask you to forgive me and, after everything, I know I wouldn’t deserve it even if you gave it to me. I just – I was going somewhere with this and now I’m so lost.”
Clarke gave Lexa as reassuring of a smile as she could muster after the usually collected law intern choked out a nervous chuckle.
“The only thing I can say at this point is that whatever happens next is completely up to you. I don’t ever want you to feel uncomfortable and I don’t want you to feel like you’re obligated to spend time with me.”
Lexa could see that the blonde was getting a little lost. She laughed a little and explained, “Raven and Octavia told me about hanging out with you.” Seeing a look cross the guarded girl’s face, Lexa quickly continued, “I love that you guys get along so well and I love that you’re all friends. I honestly can’t even tell you how happy it makes me that you have people like them in your life now.
“I don’t want the fact that I live with them to be anything that deters you from spending time with them. If you want to hang out with them ever and you don’t want me around, please just let me know and I promise to make myself scarce.”
Clarke didn’t really know what to think. Lexa seemed to have a knack for coming at Clarke out of left field. Here she had been thinking the worst of the brunette, when all her ex-girlfriend wanted was for her to be comfortable. The guilt that Clarke was feeling was starting to overwhelm her.
Lexa could see the turmoil on Clarke’s face and it didn’t take much to figure out what she was thinking. Turning her hand over under Clarke’s, she gave it a small squeeze and saw blue eyes focus on her once more.
“Please don’t feel bad about it, either. The last thing I want is to pressure into having to see me. I mean, I know today isn’t a great example of that but…”
Clarke couldn’t stop the small smile from crossing her face at the sheepish blush that colored Lexa’s cheeks. She softly squeezed Lexa’s hand that was wrapped around her own, reassuring the girl that this was okay, she was alright.
They fell into a silence after that, that became more comfortable as the minutes went by.
Clarke eventually coughed lightly, clearing her throat and stating that she had to use the washroom. Lexa chuckled at the eager look on the blonde’s face. The laugh was quickly replaced by a look of shock as the medical student pointed out that she just came off a twenty hour shift where she couldn’t go at all. Clarke was the one to chuckle after that, seeing the look of horror on Lexa’s face as she slowly excused herself from the booth.
Lexa was surprised when a figure walked up to the table and cleared their throat awkwardly. The law intern looked up to see the male server who had come to their table first standing next to the table, shifting awkwardly from one foot to the other, the checkbook in his hand. Lexa cocked a perfectly shaped eyebrow, lawyer face painted on.
The look on the brunette’s face wasn’t helping Murphy’s nerves any more, and he could feel the hostility practically rolling off of her in waves. Naturally, it just made his scowl even deeper. He tried to avoid making eye contact with her, not wanting her to get any angrier than she already seemed to be.
After a moment of awkward silence, Lexa practically spit out, “Is there something you needed or are you just here to look?”
Murphy cleared his throat and finally looked at the girl’s face. Deciding to bite the bullet and get away from there as quick as possible he said, “Look, I just wanted to say sorry if I made your girlfriend uncomfortable or whatever.”
Lexa could see that he was practically about to run away. She allowed her scowl to soften – barely – but kept her eyes focused on the guy’s face. “Look, man, thanks for the apology or whatever, but if you’re just standing here for a spectacle then I swear to fuck I will break your nose so fast you won’t even see it coming.”
“Son of a bitch, dude! I’m not here for some show or whatever. I know I made her uncomfortable and I know it’s a bitch to be scared of everyone that pops up out of nowhere.” Murphy scoffed, thrusting the checkbook onto the table. “Just – tell her I said sorry. If you feel like it.”
Lexa could feel her steely demeanor melt off her when she fully realized what the server was saying. She handed him $20, telling him to keep the change.
He sighed. The scary brunette was confusing.
Before he could get out of ear shot Lexa called out, “Hey! Thanks. And I’m sorry too.”
Murphy took that to be sufficient and just nodded before making his way back to the counter.
By the time that Clarke made it back to the table, Murphy was set behind the counter and there was no indication of any conversation happening.
The blonde started pulling her wallet out of her back pocket, and Lexa quickly spoke up, “Clarke really don’t even worry about it. It’s been taken care of.”
Clarke looked up at Lexa, head cocked to side, not really understanding what just happened. This whole afternoon had been trippy beyond belief. If anyone had told Clarke yesterday that she would have spent a calm, friendly afternoon lunch with Lexa and everything would be okay, she would have looked at them as though they were crazy.
Not only did she spend lunch with Lexa on the five-year anniversary of their breakup, but nothing went wrong, either. Lexa was sweet as possible, leaving her car in a random parking lot so Clarke didn’t have to face what the car meant. She helped Clarke through whatever the fuck happened earlier. She let Clarke eat the food, and she even paid for it. The whole time, Clarke had been terrified that Lexa was going to drop another shoe at some point, something that was going to fuck everything up again and leave her the empty hollow shell she had been coming out of since she saw her ex-girlfriend again; but no, Lexa had been nothing but perfect. Lexa had even offered to not hang out with her friends so that Clarke could hang out with them too.
At this point, after thinking the absolute worst of Lexa, Clarke decided she owed her at least this much. The nagging thought that maybe this was the test, maybe this was the moment Lexa dropped the other shoe and told her what an ungrateful bitch she was for not even fighting to pay, popped into Clarke’s head, but she quickly shut it up and forced herself to settle down.
Lexa sat patiently, a smile on her face, as Clarke just looked at her. The blonde eventually smiled back and allowed a bit of the tension to leave her body.
“So, Clarke, would you like to stay in here for a bit, or do you want to walk around the area, or do you have something else you would like to do? I can only imagine how tired you must be after such a long shift.”
Clarke studied Lexa, still unsure as to what the correct answer was. Whether or not Lexa was going to beat Clarke later because wasn’t the whole deal, but there was always a right answer.
Lexa could see the storm behind blue eyes and felt a throb resound through her chest. Throughout the whole meal, Clarke had been on the defense and ready to bolt or fight to protect herself. Lexa hated that this was what had happened to the blonde; that this is where she ended up once again. The Clarke sitting before Lexa today reminded her of the Clarke that she had known in high school – the one that didn’t trust that there was anyone out there that was going to do anything simply because they cared about her; that thought that she was worth nothing more than a ragdoll.
The fact that Clarke thought that Lexa would be one of those people to try and hurt her felt like a dagger through her heart. She had a hard time thinking that Clarke was wrong in any way, though. Lexa had done nothing but perpetuate this idea in the tortured girl’s mind that she was a burden or something not worth any time or effort.
(A brief memory of five years ago flashed through Lexa’s mind, and she pictured herself yelling at her cowering ex-girlfriend “God just get over it already”.)
A fleeting thought crossed Lexa’s mind, about how Clarke could be such a fantastic doctor while being so lost herself, but the thought was pushed to the back of her mind for later contemplation when Clarke sighed lightly.
Quickly being brought back to the situation at hand, Lexa wiped the turmoil from her own face and blinked back the tears that had managed to make their way to her eyes before plastering a smile on her face once more.
“How ‘bout this? Let’s walk around for a bit in the direction of the hospital. That way we can just head back to the parking lot whenever you want to be done.”
Clarke just looked at Lexa before slowly nodding. She really wanted to go to her car, get to her park bench, and just sleep for hours, but it was already almost 4:00PM and she had a meeting with Cage at 6:30. The idea of having to go see him again after spending a couple hours with Lexa made her stomache churn.
She removed all thoughts of him from her mind after that, not wanting to taint Lexa by even thinking of him while she was around.
They both made their way out of the booth and then the diner together. Clarke threw a soft, cordial thanks to their server on the way out, getting a bright smile and wave in response.
The two ex-girlfriends walked along the street for a few minutes, looking from shop to shop, highly aware of the electricity crackling between them. Neither one of them could help but think about how normal something like this would’ve felt to them only five years ago. They used to things like this from time to time. Neither girl was ever too interested in shopping or anything even then, but it was fun to walk by and just look. They would walk together through the streets, hand-in-hand, engulfed in their own little world. At that time, it was only the two of them wherever they went, completely oblivious to the world around them.
Even now, five years later, it was the same situation. Both girls were so completely focused on the figure next to them that they couldn’t even focus on anything around them. The tension rolling off of Clarke in waves was something that Lexa couldn’t just ignore, but she didn’t want to make the poor girl uncomfortable by mentioning anything.
They were both brought out of their discomfort by a beeping coming from Clarke’s pocket. She frantically pulled out her phone, terrified that she was late for a meeting. She saw her alarm going off instead and realized that she had still lost track of time.
Lexa saw Clarke look up at her from her phone sheepishly, a slight blush beginning to make its way up her chest and to her cheeks. Eyes flicking down slightly, Lexa saw the notification on Clarke’s phone that simply read “Med”.
Not wanting to assume anything, Lexa simply asked, “Would you like to head back to the car now, Clarke?”
Clarke nodded.
After a silent walk back to the hospital, Clarke and Lexa finally made their way back to Clarke’s car. Lexa wanted to take the medical student back to her car, but she knew at that point that it would just make the poor girl even more comfortable.
Stopping in front of the classic vehicle, Lexa spoke up, “I, uh, I actually have something for you in my car. Could I run and go grab it real quick?”
Clarke nodded, fishing for her car keys from her pocket. As soon as Lexa was turned around and walking away, she pulled her inhaler out instead and took three big pumps. She released a deep breath after the last pump, appreciating the way the contractions in her chest seemed to release their hold and the fuzziness at the edge of her vision field cleared up.
The blonde knew that she was spreading herself thin. There was no way she was going to survive much longer with so many lives going at the same time. Between the Clarke that worked with Jaha, Nia, and Cage, and Dr. Griffin at the hospital, and the Clarke that was becoming friends with Raven and Octavia (and Lexa?) despite everything, Clarke felt like she was being pulled apart at ever seam and she had no idea who she was anymore. If she didn’t stop this, she would be gone sooner than she planned.
Just as she was swallowing her seizure medicine and packing it back in her bag, Lexa made her way back to her car with a bag of her own. The bag in Lexa’s hand, however, was festive and had confetti and party hats all over it.
Lexa rubber the back of her neck, a sheepish smile crossing her face. “I, uh, I know I missed your birthday this week, but better late than never, right?”
Both girls cringed. Lexa was a little later than just a week on the birthday present.
Clarke stood there for a moment, not knowing at all what to do. She had the fleeting thought that might finally be the test she’s been waiting for, but she shooed that away. She had resolved in the diner to trust the law intern for the day and she was done disrespecting the older girl.
When Clarke didn’t move for a couple minutes, Lexa took a step closer and held the bag out even further.
The medical intern brought a hesitant hand up, wrapping it around the handle at the top of the bag, paying close attention to make sure she didn’t accidentally brush Lexa’s hands. That would have been far too much at the moment.
Lexa watched Clarke for a moment, noting the way she eyed the bag carefully. It dawned on Lexa at that moment that Clarke probably hadn’t seen a birthday present bag with colorful tissue paper in many years. Swallowing the lump making itself known in her throat once again, she softly told her ex-girlfriend to go ahead and open the bag.
Clarke pulled the colorful papers out slowly, eyeing them as they came out one-by-one. When they were all finally out of the bag, she held them up in front of her face and cocked her head.
Lexa giggled, unable to stop herself. Clarke looked absolutely adorable. She was eyeing the paper like a little puppy, confused by what to do with such a thing. She reached her hand out, indicating for Clarke to hand her the stuffing.
When her hand was finally empty, Clarke looked into the bag and felt her breath catch.
Reaching a single hand in, the blonde pulled out a simple black, bound book, a pen resting within its strap. The book looked old and worn, as if it had been sitting somewhere for an unknown amount of time. The pages were wrinkled, as though it had gotten wet and then dried, turning yellow over the years it had been lying around.
Clarke looked up from the book to Lexa, mouth open and eyes wide, not knowing what to say in the slightest. Over the years, Clarke had slowly lost interest in even thinking about the things she used to say she wanted. It had been so long since she even thought about a notebook like this, and she definitely never would have imagined that Lexa would remember it.
Lexa could see the flustered look on Clarke’s face and offered her a small smile. “There was a conference in Greece about three years ago, and Gustus took a few of us interns with him. We had a single day where we could do anything we wanted and I took a day trip to Athens with –“ There was an awkward silence as Lexa cut herself off; they both knew who Lexa had ended up actually going with.
The law student cleared her throat before continuing, the smile having left her face. “I know we always planned on going together; it was going to be our one big vacation, the one we remembered until we were old and using walkers to get around. I just, I needed a way to stay close to you,” Lexa trailed off with a whisper.
Neither girl could move with that admission. They both knew what it meant, but they had no idea what to do with it. There was a draw between the two of them and no one could deny it. There was some sort of connection between their hearts that had managed to survive the years or torture and torment and turmoil; something that held them together even while every other part of Clarke was telling her to run and disappear once more.
Lexa sighed, closing her eyes and dropping her head. When she finally looked up again, green eyes seemed to have lost some of their vibrancy but none of their power.
Clarke watched quietly as Lexa seemed to gather herself for another statement. Of course, being a lawyer-in-the-making gave the brunette an advantage in being able to organize her thoughts and present them, but Clarke had no such gift. She was left alone to interpret their every interaction, just her and her damaged mind.
When blue eyes saw the lack of life in green eyes, she felt a throb in her chest. It had been such a long time since Clarke had felt this kind of connection to someone else’s pain, and the emotions coming up were terrifying her. She had never seen Lexa seem so downtrodden and broken before, and she had no idea how to prepare herself for what was about to come.
“Look, Clarke. I’m supposed to be good with words, but every time I try talking to you or about you, I seem to put my foot in my mouth. I haven’t given you the respect that you deserve, and I haven’t taken responsibility properly for what’s happened. That’s all stuff that needs to be changed. Right now, though? I just want tell you one thing, and then you can make your decision.
Her hand reached out, fingertips barely brushing against the book and then Clarke’s own hand. The blonde inhaled harshly at the contact, feeling a shock through her body.
“I’ve done nothing but cause you pain. Don’t get me wrong, I know we had good times together. Our life was going great and you were perfect, and I ended up fucking it all up. I built you up and made you feel comfortable with me as though I was someone better than everyone else who had fucked you over and, when push came to shove, I was exactly like them. I destroyed everything and you have always deserved better than something like that.
“That being said, I want to reiterate that you have absolutely no obligation to ever even see my face again if you don’t want to. You don’t have to take this book if you don’t want to have this constant reminder of what I failed to be for you if you don’t want to. And I don’t ever want to make you feel like you’re going to be pressured into anything. Just because I’m friends with Raven and Octavia doesn’t mean that you can’t become friends with them too. Just because I’m still friends with Lincoln and Indra and Anya doesn’t mean that you can’t rebuild your relationship with them. You deserve to have people like them in your lives again – people who will be able to treat you right and be there for you as you need them.
“If, by some random chance, you ever feel comfortable around me again, I will always be happy to be here for you, though. Whenever you’re ready to see me again, I’ll be more than happy to come back. And please don’t think that there’s some time limit here or something. You could take two months, one year, two years, or you might never be ready, and that’s totally okay. I will respect any boundaries you set for us absolutely and completely until you decide to change them. Just, please don’t shut yourself off from everyone else on my account.”
Clarke watched Lexa, seeing the way she slowly seemed to curl further in on herself with every statement she made. It was obvious that the older brunette had been constantly beating herself up over everything that had gone on between them, and Clarke had no idea what to do with this information. On one hand, she loathed with every fiber of her being the idea of Lexa being in any sort of pain because of her. On the other hand, this was the perfect opportunity to run and never look back. She already knew she needed to end at least one part of her many lives; why not this? Disappear once again and erase herself from any friendly existence.
Seeing the hope barely holding on in Lexa’s eyes, though, and thinking about her weekend with Raven and Octavia, Clarke couldn’t bring herself to run from this. Lexa’s statement had been the exact reasoning as to why she’d left in the first place: she didn’t want her own drama with her ex-girlfriend to pull Lexa away from her family, which was exactly what Lexa was proposing in that moment. She was offering to pull away from Lincoln and Anya and Indra once more, but this time Lexa would also be losing Raven and Octavia. There was no way she was going to let that happen again.
But Clarke also knew at this point that she couldn’t just abandon Anya and Indra again. She owed it to everyone that she give some sort of explanation this time. She had made promises to each and every person she had seen again, and she had to see them through.
The medical student slowly raised one hand, reaching forward to lightly skim her fingers over Lexa’s forearm. A shudder ran through both of their bodies before Clarke’s hand flopped back to her side.
"I think – “ she coughed, clearing her throat after so long with such little use. “I think I can do friends.”
It was barely a whisper, but Lexa heard it loud and clear. In the coming days, this one sentence would keep the law intern awake at night, thinking about all of the possibilities she could have now and all those she had missed out on; this sentence held her focus at work, often caught looking off into space with a stupid grin on her face. At that moment, though, the sentence stopped Lexa’s heart and breathing and any other function her body should have had.
She would never have expected that Clarke’s forgiveness would be so ready, or that it would be so simple. The brunette knew that she had a lot of work left until she forgave herself or that those around her forgave her, but Clarke was always that self-sacrificial angel.
Maybe this wasn’t even forgiveness, though. Maybe Clarke just didn’t want to cause turbulence or troubles or anything. In that moment, Lexa had no idea, but she wasn’t going to simply ignore any of it.
A smile slowly split the brunette’s face, full lips pulled over her teeth, the glistening white pearls adding to the way the smile already lit up her entire face. Clarke couldn’t help but return it with a small smile of her own.
They both stood in silence for a moment before Clarke’s phone started buzzing. Looking down, blue eyes widened slightly and Lexa could almost see the panic on her face.
Almost.
Instead, Lexa smiled and said, “I really enjoyed myself today, Clarke. I hope you had a good time as well.” Receiving a smile in response from Clarke, Lexa’s own smile only widened.
Both girls reached up at the same time to rub the back of their necks, and immediately started laughing.
Well, Lexa laughed. Clarke only smiled.
They both said their goodbyes, Lexa turning to go to her own car. Clarke waited until the brunette was out of eye-sight and closer to her own car before she finally got into her own. She had only an hour left to prepare for her meeting with the others tonight and she knew she had to look top-notch. Sighing, she quickly turned the car on and started heading to the hotel where she would be getting ready.
As she drove away, memories of her day came rushing back, and the blonde couldn’t stop a genuine smile from crossing her face. Little did she know, in that very moment, a black Audi on the other side of the parking lot held a brunette very close to her own age, reliving the same memories, and sporting an equally wide smile.