The Past Catches Up to Us
The end of June was always a hard time for Lexa. Raven and Octavia never knew exactly why; they were only told it was a painful anniversary. She always got quiet and reserved during that time, spending more and more time cuddled in the living room with a cup of Sprite in the evenings.
After the last 9 months, though, they assumed that it had something to do with her history with Clarke. There had been a lot of things that Lexa had kept to herself that were now making sense to her two flatmates. Clarke had been a major part of the law intern’s life and she had been cut out of it completely and totally in one go. They understood the pain of losing a loved one, but they also acknowledged that the pain of not knowing what happened to a loved one is different than losing someone for good.
Raven walked into the apartment one night to find Lexa curled up on the love seat with Octavia sitting on the sofa. The green-eyed brunette was curled into such a tight ball that, had it not been for her mane of hair peeking out from under the blanket, Raven wouldn’t have even known she was there. She had covered herself with the blanket and seemed to be trying to make herself small enough to disappear. Raven’s concern increased as she realized that it was working.
Octavia was sitting on the sofa, leaning against the arm with her legs spread across the rest of it. She looked relaxed to anyone that didn’t know her, but Raven wasn’t one of those people. Her neck was tense and her hand was tapping at her thigh. Instead of looking at the TV that was playing some mindless show, her eyes were drifting back and forth from absently staring at the wall and watching Lexa on the sofa.
Walking further into the apartment and dropping her bag by the door, Raven walked straight over to the sofa. She picked up Octavia’s legs and placed them in her lap, resting her own braced leg on the table in front of them. The movement managed to bring Octavia out of whatever thoughts were plaguing her and she smiled softly at the aero-mechanical engineer, leaning up to place a quick kiss on her cheek and scoot closer so they could sit together. Raven wasn’t surprised when she got no acknowledgment from the closed off brunette on the love seat.
Lexa had become a rock for the two younger brunettes. She had taken them under her wings and allowed them into her life wholeheartedly when she was still so raw and in so much pain. They had helped each other heal in different ways, but Lexa had ended up being the Mama Bear of the group. So whenever she was hurting, Raven and Octavia felt that pain as well. Whatever it was about this time of the year that always caused Lexa to shut down was big enough that the two younger brunettes felt it too. It became an annual time of hardcore self reflection and thinking about where they used to be. Something about the three girls going through all of that alone yet together always seemed to make their relationship stronger and neither Raven nor Octavia had wanted to disrupt what they had going to ask about it.
This pattern continued for the week. Lexa would always be home from work when the other two got back; she would always be cuddled up under a blanket. They would go and sit with her in silence, allowing her the space they knew she needed but the comfort of knowing they were close. They had a balance between the three of them and they refused to let anything mess that up.
One Friday evening, the three brunettes were again sitting in the living room in companionable silence. Octavia and Raven had brought food home from their favourite pizza place, with the obscure Root Beer flavors, and all three of them ate comfortably. Lexa was getting gradually more tense as the days past and they knew that there was some sort of anniversary coming up. Neither of the younger brunettes knew exactly what the day was, but they were more than happy to help their best friend out in whatever way they could.
Lexa stayed curled up on the sofa, silently appreciating everything her flatmates were doing for her. She hated being like this, she hated getting so pitiable whenever this time of the year rolled around, but she couldn’t help it. The first two years that they had been living together she had tried everything in her power not to let it consume her, but Raven and Octavia had gone above and beyond to help her with what little pain she did show. After the second year, though, she allowed herself these two weeks to wallow.
Clarke’s birthday was coming up. So was the anniversary of the date she had left Lexa. It was a painful time for the brunette before because there had been no resolution in how things had ended. Everything had fallen to shit and then Clarke was just gone. The law intern held an incredible amount of guilt in her whenever the blonde’s birthday rolled around because she had been with Costia on the last birthday they could have spent together. Clarke had told her at the time that she understood why they couldn’t spend the day or evening or night together, considering they had both had their exams coming up they wouldn’t have been able to do much anyways. Lexa knew, though, that she hadn’t been studying that night. She had been hanging out with her other friends and just relaxing. Clarke had made them dinner that night as well and the table was all set up in a romantic way when Lexa woke up in the morning. This time of the year brought everything that she had done wrong to the front of Lexa’s mind.
The difference this time around, though, was something Lexa never thought she would have been able to go through. Clarke was (somewhat) back in her life and Lexa was actually aware of where she was for this birthday, but the law intern had absolutely no idea if she would be able to do anything for her. On one hand she wanted to contact the medical intern and inquire about her plans for the night, but at the same time she was afraid. Lexa wasn’t ready to spend a day like that with her ex-girlfriend alone, but she didn’t know if the blonde would want Raven and Octavia to know what the day was.
Thinking about her two flatmates again, the brunette trailed her green eyes to where the two younger brunettes were sitting cuddled on the sofa. They were ignoring whatever show was on the TV and talking in whispers. From where they were positioned they wouldn’t have been able to see her movements, but she was more than able to see them. Her heart filled with warmth as she watched them together. They had all three of them been through so much in their relatively short lives, but the two girls that lived with her were two of the most beautiful personalities she had ever met. They had taken every wrench thrown into their lives in the last ten months in complete stride, never once blinking an eye as Lexa’s past life started sticking its foot back into their current lives.
Raven and Octavia pulled their heads away from each other, pulled out of their quiet conversation when they felt a dip on the sofa. Their heads shot to Raven’s left side to see a head of brown hair peeking over her shoulder. Raven turned her body away from Octavia to open herself to Lexa as well, concerned but excited to see her on the sofa with them. Neither of them had noticed the brunette moving and were pleasantly surprised to finally see her coming out of her nest.
Lexa sat and looked at the two brunettes next to her for a second, more than aware that there were a plethora of different thoughts going through their heads. She didn’t really know what she was going to do, or if she was going to say anything to them. She had no idea what she had intended to do by moving to the sofa, so she sat there and just looked at her two flatmates. Eventually, she decided not to do anything. She pulled the blanket back around her shoulders and put her head on Raven’s shoulder, curling herself back into a ball and retreating back into her head.
Both Octavia and Raven were surprised to see Lexa suddenly curl up against Raven. The law intern was very rarely one to initiate that kind of intimate contact and when she did, she was almost always the one comforting one of the younger girls. Seeing her cuddle into Raven warmed both of their hearts, more than happy to see her opening up and reaching out to them.
The three brunettes stayed like that for the rest of the evening, ignoring whatever mindless shows were playing on the TV and just sitting with each other. Lexa eventually fell asleep there with her head on Raven’s lap and the mechanic’s hands running through her hair. Octavia stayed cuddled up against the braced brunette as well, more than content to just sit there with two of the most important people in her life.
Octavia and Raven eventually pulled themselves off the sofa, leaving Lexa where she was, and got ready for bed. When they were done with their own respective routines, they went back out into the living room to get the older brunette to go to her own room. The sight that greeted them, though, prevented them from being able to wake the slumbering girl at all. Lexa had curled herself around a pillow, facing the back of the sofa, with her legs dangling off the arm. She looked like a fish that had flopped down onto it and stayed there, and the peaceful look on her face was enough to stop her two flatmates from waking her up. It was rare that they got to see Lexa sleeping peacefully around this time of year and they didn’t want to disrupt it if they could avoid it.
Raven and Octavia both got up early the next morning, ready to go to the gym. They always went together in order to make things simpler for Raven. Lexa was still sleeping on the sofa when they got back to the apartment, exhausted from everything that had been going through her head the last few weeks. The two younger brunettes showered and started on their breakfast before their slumbering flatmate woke up. Their faces broke out in fond smiles when they noticed her head pop up over the back of the sofa.
Lexa peeked over the back of the sofa. She knew it would be a comical sight from the other end with her hair all over the place and barely being able to see anything but her eyes. She watched them look at her and let a laugh bounce out of her chest when they both jumped out of their seats and ran towards the sofa. Octavia jumped over the back of the sofa and landed on the green-eyed brunette while Raven made her way around and jumped on the duo already wrestling around. Their laughter made its way around the apartment, echoing against the walls and bringing life back.
They eventually pulled off of each other, small laughs still breaking out of their mouths as they tried to catch their breath. Lexa stood up from the sofa, stretching her arms above her head and groaning as her muscles finally stretched. Spending the night on the sofa wasn’t necessarily the best of ideas, but she was glad that they had invested in a sofa that wasn’t absolutely miserable to fall asleep on.
The three flatmates went about their morning routines comfortably since none of them had work that weekend. It was rare that their schedules matched up like that, but Lexa was still on edge about the date. They decided to spend the day in the apartment eating ice cream and watching Dexter (it was embarrassing that they were still only in the beginning of season 7 but, I mean, they’ve been busy!). Raven and Octavia managed to convince Lexa to walk to the grocery store down the street from their apartment complex with them so they would all have a say in which ice creams they would be getting.
They bought their snacks for the night (which ended up being a lot more than just a tub of ice cream) and headed back home. They got changed back into their night clothes before getting comfortable in the living room. It was a fun afternoon, full of jokes and laughter between the three best friends. The later into the day they got, though, Lexa got more and more tense.
As the day faded away and the colorful hues of the evening sky came through their windows, Lexa receded back into her shell. By nightfall, she had ended up curled up under her blanket again. Every time Raven or Octavia looked over at the green-eyed brunette, they saw her looking off at nothing, eyes wide and unfocused. At one point, Octavia looked over to see tears in green eyes, ready to follow the salty drops already snaking rivers down the law intern’s face. She quickly reached forward and turned off the TV, ignoring Raven’s confused cry of protest before turning over to look at Lexa. Once Raven saw what was going on, she quickly quieted down as well.
Octavia scooted over on the sofa, reaching her hand out slowly to cup the crying brunette’s face. Lexa didn’t even acknowledge that Octavia was touching her as she slowly wiped away the tears. Eventually, Octavia guided her friend’s face up to look at her and Octavia gave her a sad smile when they finally made eye contact.
Lexa’s eyes were wide and unfocused as they met Octavia’s, but as soon as soon green eyes locked with blue the tears started coming harder. Lexa couldn’t help it. Those blue eyes were too much like the ones that were currently haunting her every thought. Octavia’s eyes still had an innocence to them; despite everything she had been through, the younger brunette had managed to remain as kind, childlike, and open as possible. She hadn’t let life tear her down and she had persevered in remaining as true to herself as she could. Clarke had had that same look in her eyes five years ago. Those blue eyes had been haunted and dull when they first met but, after a few years, the color had made its way back into them and they quickly became the most vibrant color Lexa had seen in her life. Thinking about her eyes now tore the breath from Lexa’s lungs. Those eyes that had once held every bit of Lexa’s heart in them were back to that guarded, dead, lifeless color. Clarke had reverted back to being a person of survival, thinking of nothing but how she was going to live to see the next day.
Before she could get too deep in her thoughts, Octavia pulled the crying brunette into her arms, cradling her against her chest. They sat like that for some time before Lexa eventually pulled back, rubbing her face and taking shaky breaths. She sat up and gave Octavia a shy smile, quickly leaning forward to press a kiss to her cheek. Octavia gave the girl a broad smile, happy to see her in a better mood.
Raven had been sitting next to them, silently watching her two best friends. When green eyes looked her way, she grinned wide and winked. Lexa barked out a choked laugh, throat full of nastiness from crying so hard. It spurred the other two brunettes into laughing along with her and, soon, all three of them were laughing with each other.
The three best friends calmed down eventually, a comfortable silence falling over all of them. Lexa settled against Octavia, comforted to feel the happy vibe the blue-eyed brunette gave off. Raven sat on the opposite side of Octavia, their legs touching each other comfortable but not too intimately. They sat like that for a few minutes, each of them reminiscing about the ways things had changed in their lives over the last few months.
The thing plaguing Octavia’s mind the most was that Lexa had almost never cuddled up to her before. They had been sitting on this couch for almost four years now and she could count on one hand the number of times Lexa had been in this position with her. Lexa had always been the one offering them comfort, always taking care of them and making sure they were okay. As much as she appreciated the opportunity to offer her some comfort back, she wanted to make sure the older girl was okay.
“How are you feeling, love?”
Lexa let out a deep sigh at the quiet question. She didn’t say anything, but she pushed herself up so she was facing the two girls next to her. She watched them both carefully as they looked back at her. They stayed like that for a few minutes before the green-eyed law intern offered them a small smile.
Raven spoke up this time, “What’s going on, Lexa?”
Lexa looked between the two younger brunettes looking back at her so intently and carefully. She sighed, “Clarke’s birthday is the day after tomorrow.”
The two younger brunettes hummed in acknowledgement, knowing what a day like that could mean for their best friend. Before they could say anything, though, she continued, “And next weekend is five years to the day that she left me.”
Neither of them knew what to say to that. Lexa hadn’t mentioned anything about the two dates being so close together when she had told them their story. Both of them could work out, though, that if the two dates were so close together, something must have gone wrong at Clarke’s birthday five years ago.
Octavia leaned forward again and placed a hand on Lexa’s knee and green eyes flicked over to meet blue. The pain and guilt swirling in the depths of the older brunette’s forest-like eyes caused a throb to pulse through Octavia’s chest and she offered the law intern a sympathetic smile. Lexa gave her a watery smile back, tight-lipped and terse, communicating gratitude but no actual contentment.
Knowing her two flatmates would be curious but too respectful to actually ask the question, she started explaining (she refused to believe it had anything to do with the fact that she actually wanted to talk to them about it), “Her birthday was on a Monday that year too and my exam was on the following Saturday. She told me that she didn’t want to do anything too big for her birthday that night so I could focus on last minute studying. I jumped at the opportunity not to have to plan a big birthday thing, and I hated myself for it. We always did something special for our birthdays. She didn’t like celebrating her birthday because she hadn’t had a positive birthday experience since before her mom died, so we always did something small but special for her. That year, though, things were different. We were going through so many things in our relationship and we both had so much going on in school. My exam was that Saturday and her MCAT was the following Thursday. We both agreed to hold off on celebrations that year and we could go all out after she was done with her test.”
Lexa took a deep breath, burrowing into herself even further before continuing, “Even though she suggested it, I knew what a big deal her birthday was for her. Her step-father and her foster families liked to make her life a special hell on that day. Every year that we were together for her birthday, she would be plagued with nightmares and a kind of mental agony that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. None of that changed on that last birthday, although it was different. That year, for the first time in the four years we had been together, I couldn’t handle it. I told her that I had to study for my exam that night and I wouldn’t be able to spend her birthday with her, but that I was excited to be able to go out the following weekend.
“Except that I didn’t study that night. I was supposed to be working with Costia, but I ended up going out with her, Ryder, Titus, and some of their other friends. I had started having fun drinking with them after we started hanging out more and I took full advantage of it. Clarke wasn’t a fan of drinking and I knew Anya and Indra tried to avoid drinking in excess as well so the next weekend’s celebrations would be relatively sober. I went all out that night and got pretty wasted. I don’t remember much of what happened on that night. According to what Anya and Indra told me I came stumbling back into our apartment around 2:30 in the morning, singing some shitty song from the club and stumbling all over the place. They were both in the apartment that night helping Clarke deal with the terrors that were running through her mind. I can never get over the fact that while I was out partying with my new friends, my family was at my house taking care of my girlfriend and talking her down from the proverbial ledge.
“Anya said that Clarke jumped up as soon as I banged the door open and started taking care of me. They didn’t have to tell me how painful it was for her to see me drunk and partied out after lying to avoid her on her birthday. The woman I love was catatonic at home, terrorized by the demons I’d sworn to protect her from, and I was out partying because I didn’t want to have to deal with it. She took care of me that night and the next day, all the while convincing Anya and Indra to either leave me alone or help me deal with whatever I was going through.”
Lexa quickly wiped at the tears that had made their way down her cheeks during her story. She looked at the love seat that had been her residence for the last couple of weeks, remembering everything that had been going through her head, “I did so many things wrong during that time, and I can’t forgive myself for any of it. It’s been five years and, with every year that goes by, her birthday gets more and more painful because I completely squandered my last days with her. I used her birthday as a weapon against her, just like her ex-foster families did, and it drove her away. I swore to do everything in my power to make sure she never felt that kind of pain again and I completely threw it away.”
Octavia and Raven watched their best friend as she receded into herself again, burying her face in her knees to gather her tears in between them. Octavia noted that Lexa hadn’t let go of her hand throughout the entire retelling of the story, instead gripping it harder and harder as each minute passed by. She used that grip to pull herself closer to the older brunette and bringing her into her side. Lexa turned her head to bury it into Octavia’s neck, shuddering out shaky breaths. The psych major ran a soothing hand up and down the law intern’s back, whispering kisses into her hair and doing her best to calm the distraught girl down.
Neither Raven nor Octavia really knew what to do. The Lexa from the story was absolutely nothing like the Lexa that they knew. Had anyone else been telling them that story, the two brunettes would have laughed in their faces and said it was impossible. Both of them knew what emotional turmoil mixed with alcohol did to people’s minds, though, and that the most unlikely people could do the most unpredictable things.
Raven spoke up after a few minutes, breaking the silence, “How do you think she would feel about us doing something for her birthday this year?”
Lexa lifted her head from Octavia’s shoulder and gave her a shy, watery smile. The returning grin allowed her to release some of the tension from her shoulder and she turned her attention to the braced brunette who had just spoken. “I honestly have no idea.”
Octavia and Raven were both aware of the weight those words had, considering Lexa knew very little about the woman she once used to live with. They tried to keep her calm and talking, keeping her mind occupied from the self-destructive thoughts. As much as they wanted to convince Lexa that none of what happened was her fault, they knew that it wouldn’t be easily accepted. They resolved to talk about it between the two of them and then discuss it with Anya, Indra, or Lincoln later. From the bond that Indra and Clarke seemed to have, they thought that the older soldier might be more helpful in this situation.
They spent that night on the sofa again, comfortable and cuddled together. They woke up Sunday morning and decided to forgo their usual gym routine. It seemed like Lexa could use the break and they wanted to have a little more lazy-time before having to get ready for work.
After their breakfast was over and the kitchen was (relatively) clean they all started about their work. Lexa had a lot of cases to go over and a lot of reading to do for each of them. The doctor that Octavia was shadowing had her looking into the symptoms of a few different conditions, trying to help her get some practical application experience with the different terms she was learning. Raven was working on one of her newest projects, excited to finally have time to do what she wanted outside of work.
They all got together on the couch again that night, determined to spend as much time together as possible. Now that Raven and Octavia knew the significance of the days and what they all meant to their ever steady best friend, they were determined to keep her as comfortable as possible. The three of them spent hours cuddled together, catching up on shows (bitching about the finale of Dexter because WHAT THE FUCK?!?!) and talking about everything and nothing.
Lexa got particularly somber around midnight, and her mood stayed rather dull. Raven and Octavia kept trying to lift her spirits again, but she seemed set. They didn’t want to push her too far too fast so they didn’t put too much effort into it, but it hurt both of them to see her in so much pain. They just wanted to be able to help her.
Around one-thirty in the morning, Octavia decided to get up and grab them all something to drink. As she was pushing herself up from where she was pressed against Raven’s side, they heard the elevator ding out in the hallway. It was odd to be hearing people come and go at such a time on a Monday morning, but they didn’t pay it much mind.
When Octavia made it into the kitchen, they could hear scuffling in the hallway and what sounded like a muffled voice talking to no one. Whatever the voice was saying sounded like drunken mumblings and they were starting to get concerned about who was in their hallway. The athletic brunette was making her way back to the sofas when they all heard a loud thump against the front door.
Octavia froze where she was, debating whether or not to go see who was at the door. The decision was made for her, however, when she heard a small voice call through the door: “Lexie?”
Octavia quickly put the drinks in her hand down on the table and rushed to the front door. As she pulled the door open, the figure using it for support fell forward and into Octavia’s arms. A blonde head of hair collided with her chin and the brunette felt herself stumble back with the unexpected force of the body. They both fell to the floor, the blonde landing on top of Octavia with a grunt and whimper.
“Clarke!”
Two voices echoed each other from the sofa, both of its occupants getting up to run to the two girls by the door. Lexa reached Clarke first and placed a hand on her shoulder to gently try and guide her up. The poor girl trembled under the touch, though, and she curled herself into a ball with completely uncharacteristic whimpers. Raven went to help Octavia up, and all three of them stayed on the ground near Clarke.
Clarke eventually became aware of her surroundings, noticing the concerned faces looking down at her. Recognizing all three of them, a lazy grin made its way across her face and giggles burst through her lips.
Lexa, Octavia, and Raven grew more and more concerned with each passing second. Clarke seemed completely out of touch with everything, and they would all bet everything they had that the medical student was drunk off her ass.
They eventually got her up and onto the sofa, sitting on one side with Raven and Octavia on the other. Lexa sat in her love seat. Looking at the blonde sitting with them they all noticed that she seemed to be in pretty bad shape. She had bruises on her face, a split lip, a cut on her forehead, and bruises on her neck. Her sleeves were pulled all the way down, but they could all imagine what was done to the rest of her body. She looked disturbingly like she had the first night she reappeared in their lives. None of them really wanted to think about what could have happened to bring her to their door in the middle of the night and looking like she had just fought three football players by herself again.
They sat like that for some time, simply observing as Clarke looked around the room with complete awe written across her features. The moment was broken when she spoke, “Guys it looks like someone lives here.”
Raven was the first to speak up, “Yea it does, Clarke. That’s because we live here.”
If the circumstances had been different they all would have cracked up at the comical look of astonishment that crossed Clarke’s face. With a gasp and wide eyes, she said, “You live here? Like, in a home?”
“We sure do, kid. We’ve lived here for almost five years now.”
The blonde’s features dropped at that. “Five years is a long time.”
The words came out as a whisper, but everyone heard them loud and clear.
Raven spoke up again, “Clarke, how did you get here? Where were you tonight? Please say you didn’t drive yourself here.”
“I was in Pasadena tonight. I didn’t drive here, I promise.”
The proud smile on the blonde’s face almost caused Raven to miss what was said. She caught it, however, and couldn’t help her following outburst: “Wait you walked all the way here from Pasadena!? Clarke, that’s easily a 9 mile walk!” The smile quickly left Clarke’s face and the medical student looked down at the floor. Raven sighed and lowered her voice, “I’m sorry, Clarke, I didn’t mean to yell at you. It is pretty crazy that you walked that whole way here, though – especially in the middle of the night like this. You should really be more careful, kid.”
The medical student just nodded, keeping her head facing the floor.
Octavia was the next one to break the silence. “Clarke, how’re you feeling right now?”
Clarke turned her gaze to look into blue eyes. With a straight face she said, “I don’t like alcohol,” and then split her face with a lazy grin.
“Why’d you drink it then? You shouldn’t do the things you don’t like.” The psych major felt like Clarke would be offended if she knew Octavia was talking to her as if she were a child, but it didn’t seem like drunk-Clarke cared much about being treated like an adult.
“He made me work tonight. And I really wanted some food.”
The clipped answer confused all of them. It didn’t make any sense, and they couldn’t understand what to make of it. Raven decided to ask her, “Who made you work?”
“Thelonious.”
A sharp intake of breath brought all of their attention to Lexa. Clarke looked over at her curiously, cocking her head to the side and studying the law student before turning her head back to the two girls on the sofa with her.
“What kind of job does he make you do?”
“He’s a big man. He knows lots of people and they always want something. He always keeps a special client reserved for tonight.”
A chill ran down all three brunettes’ spines. After a few moments Octavia asked the question that the others wanted to avoid, “What do you mean by special client?”
Clarke took a deep breath and fisted something in her pocket. They assumed it was her inhaler and Raven was about to suggest she use it when Clarke started talking. “Jaha’s gift to me is always a guy. If I do whatever he wants and he gives Jaha a good review, then he gets me a motel room for the night. If it’s a really good review, then he’ll give me a motel with food.”
Her response was met with silence. None of them could come up with a single thing to say to that. Clarke seemed too content with these condition for any of them to know what to say about any of it.
Lexa had feared that she had trouble on her birthday every year, but she never expected it to be like this. The man had always been absolutely brutal when she was living in his house, but none of them had ever thought it could have gotten worse. Seeing the effects their breakup had had on her ex more and more, Lexa couldn’t stop the tears from building in her eyes or the giant lump in the back of her throat, and she couldn’t say a word without a sob threatening to break through.
Raven’s head was spinning a mile a minute. She was flashing back to all of the guys that her mother would bring home. She remembered the time Lenore tried to sell her to a man for drugs. The pain she felt at those memories was almost unbearable, and it broke her heart that Clarke’s memories must have been so much worse.
Octavia knew plenty about Thelonious Jaha and the kind of house that he kept. All of the kids in the foster system knew about that house and prayed for the good fortune to never be placed there. If Clarke had been there when they were younger and was willing to go back to a house like that, her situation must have been far more dire than they every imagined.
Before she could think about it, Octavia blurted out, “Why did you come here? If Jaha is supposed to get you a room and food, how did you end up here?”
Clarke faced the younger brunette with a slightly incredulous look. “That’s only if I do a good job. If someone’s not happy, they don’t say nice things to Jaha.”
Now genuinely curious, Raven asked, “Why wouldn’t they say nice things? What do you have to do for it to be a ‘good job’?”
The moment the words were out of her mouth, she regretted them. Looking at the girl and remembering what Anya had said about the work this particular foster father did, Raven had a feeling she knew exactly where this was going to go.
Clarke bristled up and tried her very best not to remember what had happened to her that night. Alcohol was nobody’s friend, though, and she couldn’t control her mind enough to get away from the memories. Before she could stop herself, she started speaking. “The guy tonight just really liked fighting. He liked drunk hitting and drunk fighting. I didn’t fight the way he wanted me to and he wasn’t happy with it. I kind of sort of hit him in the middle of it and ran out of the room, too.” She giggled behind her hands, looking more innocent with the horrific memories than either Octavia or Raven had seen her yet. On a roll, Clarke kept talking: “He brought somebody else in too, but I didn’t want to do anything with her. He got mad and started to choke me while he finished whatever he was doing, but it didn’t feel good to me.”
All three of them had tears in their eyes at that point. Raven and Octavia could feel their blood boiling, burning in their ears and causing them to clench their fists. Lexa felt her heart shatter more than she would have ever thought possible. None of them had never imagined that they would hear someone they cared about talk so nonchalantly about something so monstrous, and an emotional pain radiated through each of their bodies.
Raven didn’t want her newest friend to feel uncomfortable so she tried to keep the conversation going. She couldn’t speak around the lump in her throat, though, and it took her a moment before she could actually get the words out. “Clarke, I’m- I’m- I’m sorry, but I thought you were bisexual. Why did you have a problem with a woman walking into the room?”
The drunk blonde started giggling again, fuelled even further by the fatigue beginning to set it. “Silly, Rabbit. I didn’t mind the girl walking in. She was actually really pretty, I gotta say. No. I just don’t want to be with a girl again.”
“Why not?”
It was a simple enough question, but it seemed that Clarke had to seriously think about the answer. “I think that, when you’re in love with somebody, you can’t get with anyone else. I couldn’t do anything with the pretty lady. I don’t want to do anything with any other lady.”
Octavia spoke up then. “Are you saying you’re in love with somebody?”
"Yea, Octagon, I am."
The goofy grin that appeared on Clarke’s face then was unlike anything they had ever seen. Raven and Octavia had never seen such raw emotion on the other girl’s face before and it took their breath away. Clarke had the kind of smile that could render anybody speechless.
Lexa feared she knew where this was going to go and did her best to prepare for what she was about to hear.
Clarke’s mind took her back to the best part of her life. She looked off into the distance, remembering things she wouldn’t ever allow herself to think about when sober. Without even thinking about it, she started speaking, “Her eyes were green. They’re the most beautiful shade of green I’ve ever seen. If there was a shade of green in the sunset, it would be the color of her eyes. They make me think of the soul of the Earth – steadfast, strong, grounded, pure. Her eyes were magical.
“It’s not only the color, though. She didn’t like too many words all the time, but her eyes never stopped talking to me. The expressions on her face could speak louder than she ever could. The way her eyebrows moved and changed with each expression, the slight crinkle of her nose when she was irritated, the tendons and veins that would stick out of her neck when she got angry. Everything about her expressions were beautiful.
“She was careful, too. The way she touched me made me feel like she actually cared about me. Her touch was so gentle and delicate, like she loved me too. I could have believed it. I was too much, though, and I couldn’t keep her.”
Clarke gave a chuckle and lazily turned her head to look at the brunette in the love seat. Up until this point, Lexa had been completely silent. She didn’t think she would be capable of saying anything with Clarke reminiscing like this. She definitely wasn’t wrong. Lexa had tears streaming down her face, choked sobs forcing their way out of her mouth. She received a sad smile from the blonde on the sofa and another sob tore through her chest.
“You remind me of her. Your faces are the same and your voices are the same, but you’re not. My Lexa was a lot happier than you are and your eyes are different. Your eyes are still pretty, but they don’t say the same things my Lexa’s did. My Lexa always had a smile in her eyes and they would always make me happy. You seem as sad as I am.”
Clarke looked back into the distance, oblivious to the three crying girls around her. “My Lexa was everything I had then. She keeps me alive. I just want to be alive long enough to tell her that I love her one more time before I leave for good. I want to, I really want to just go, but I want to talk to my Lexa again.
“She has someone, though. My Lexa always liked Costia. They work together now. I don’t know if they’re an item, but they spend time together. My Lexa could do much better than Costia. She took advantage of my Lexa when she was drunk one time. I want to hit her. I want to hit Costia on the head with a frying pan.”
Octavia choked out a laugh. She wiped at her tears and said, “With a frying pan?”
Wide-eyed, Clarke nodded vigorously. “It worked for Tangled in Rapunzel.”
If the situation wasn’t what it was, the three brunettes would have laughed. As well-spoken as drunk-Clarke was, she wasn’t quite as put together as usual. None of them could bring themselves to let go of the severity of the situation though.
Clarke continued, oblivious to the shattering hearts around her. “My Lexa never liked violence. I don’t want to make her sad. My Lexa should never be sad. She’s the only good thing that ever happened to me. I don’t know if she knows how many times she saved my life.” Clarke looked at the two brunettes on the sofa next to her, their hands clasped tightly together, deriving any sliver of comfort from each other that they possibly could. “I wanted to die. The day she walked into that bathroom, I wanted nothing more than to finally be able to die. She wouldn’t let me though. It was her eyes. Her eyes were so beautiful and I just wanted to see them one more time before I ended everything. And then she showed up at the classroom the next day and she actually talked to me and I decided that she was worth staying alive for. It happened like that so many times while we were together. When things were getting really bad, all she had to do was look at me and I would find the will to stay alive a little longer. Anya said I would be able to see her eyes again soon. That’s the only reason I’m still here.”
Clarke released a reminiscent sigh, her head lolling over to look at the brunette sobbing on the love seat. The blonde’s face scrunched up, curiosity getting the better of her, and she pushed herself up and off the sofa. The drunk blonde stumbled over to the love seat and squatted down in front of it. She looked up at the brunette sitting above her, green eyes screwed shut and her head turned away from Clarke.
Slowly, careful and curious, Clarke raised her two hands and placed them gently on Lexa’s face. The law intern couldn’t hold back the shattering sob that tore out of her chest at the contact. She had never imagined that she would be this close to Clarke again, but here she was, and it was nothing like she wanted it to be.
Clarke’s hand cupped the older brunette’s cheeks, thumbs brushing gently over raised cheekbones made wet by the hot tears currently scouring rivers down her face. The medical intern could feel the tears gathering along the pads of her thumbs and felt a smile creep across her face. She recognized this face.
Lexa slowly turned to look at the face in front of her. Piercing blue eyes were staring directly into her own, and more tears made their way up and out of her eyes. Clarke had such a look of complete and utter adoration, a smile on her face and eyes open, looking directly into her own. Lexa knew that Clarke wasn’t wrong – she had been the only person who could ever just know what Lexa was thinking by looking into her eyes. She had no idea what the blue-eyed girl could possibly be reading in her eyes now that was putting such a smile on her face.
The next words out of Clarke’s mouth caused another sob to fall out of Lexa’s mouth: “You’re her.”
Clarke couldn’t believe it. She had finally found her. After all of these years, after all this time that she had spent trying to stay away from this girl who had an intense hold on every bit of her, Clarke stumbled into her apartment unknowingly. The last thing she usually wanted to do when she was drunk was go looking for Lexa. The thought of ever getting to see Lexa again was usually the only thing that kept Clarke alive through her forced drunk nights. Something must have changed.
That train of thought would have to wait, though. Her Lexa was right in front of her now. Her Lexa, who looked as beautiful as ever. Her Lexa, who looked like she was in so much pain. Clarke couldn’t stop the smile from growing on her face or the tears from building in her eyes. They were so close.
She rubbed her thumb over the girl’s cheekbone again, before slowly moving her hand. She moved her fingers up to her forehead, trailing them down her face, over her eyelids, down her cheeks, and finally resting on her lips. She could feel every little indent and blemish on her Lexa’s face, every little thing that made her absolutely perfect.
Clarke never thought she would get to be this close to the other girl again. She could see the single hair that always stood up and away from the rest of the hairs on her right eyebrow. She could see the smallest curve of her lip, turning down now where it used to turn up. She could see the slight freckle on the older girl’s upper lip. She could see the shadow in the crevice just under her Lexa’s nose, connecting to her upper lip. She could see every line in those full lips – the lips that brought so many memories back.
Clarke lost her breath like she was punched in the gut. Those memories of their time together, the time she spent getting to know her Lexa’s lips, knocked the wind right out of her. Blue eyes shot up to meet green eyes, and it absolutely did not help her gain her breath back.
From this close, she could see the flecks of gold and brown scattered through her iris, adding layers to the green. She could see the way her pupils were dilated, obviously feeling the effects of their proximity as much as Clarke was. Her Lexa’s eyes were much dimmer than they used to be, but more prominent as well. She could see the amplification of color, warped behind the sheen of tears that had taken residence on her lower lashes. Everything about those eyes took Clarke completely by surprise and the blonde was knocked backwards by the weight of it all.
Blue eyes stayed locked on green, though, even as the blonde’s rump landed hard on the floor. Both girls were completely oblivious to the two brunettes on the sofa, completely taken aback by the intensity of what they had just witnessed.
Clarke sat on the floor, that silly grin staying on her face as she looked up into green eyes above her. Her head fell back against the table behind her and she felt the night start catching up to her. From the alcohol in her system to the adrenaline of walking all the way across town to seeing her Lexa again, Clarke had managed to completely ignore the physical pain that was radiating through her body.
As her body slumped and she started to relax more and more, her words became more slurred too. Eventually the only things they could make out were “You’re her”, “I found you”, and “My Lexa”.
Her words tapered off gradually as the alcohol really caught up with her. Clarke fell asleep with mumbles of “My Lexa” on her lips. The slight snores were what alerted them to the moment Clarke really fell asleep.
Lexa’s shuddering breaths and the sobs, tearing their way through her chest with a vengeance, were the only things breaking the silence in the room. Raven and Octavia both had tears streaming down their own faces. The three brunettes looked at each other, none of them knowing how to move forward.
Lexa had dreamed of this moment so many times over the last five years, the moment Clarke would come back into her life and tell her about what she had been through. This? This wasn’t what she wanted at all. She never wanted to know that her ex-girlfriend wanted to kill herself. She never wanted to know that this girl that she still loved with every part of her was letting herself be sold for a night just for some food and a bed. Clarke deserved the world and she had ended up in Hell, all because of her.
All three flatmates were caught up in their thoughts, remembering their own demons and thinking about how to help this broken girl that literally fell into their arms that night when things took a turn for the worse.
A grunt sounded throughout the living room, followed by the thud of a body falling to the ground. Three pairs of eyes immediately shot over to the blonde that was once leaning against the table, and all three of them lost their breath. Octavia and Raven actually froze, looks of terror written across their features, while Lexa immediately jumped over to the medical intern currently seizing on their apartment floor.
Lexa hadn’t had to use this knowledge even once since she learned it, but she would never regret studying it all those years ago. When she saw Clarke’s body stiffen and then fall to the floor jerkily, she knew exactly what was happening. With the girl’s history of TBI, it wasn’t a surprise that she was also prone to seizures.
The law intern started shouting orders to the two frozen brunettes on the sofa, “Quick, one of you grab her neck! You need to keep it stable and straight. The other, go grab me a warm, wet washcloth. Bring it here and then grab her legs too.” Seeing her two flatmates sitting frozen on the sofa, she barked, “Now!”
They jumped into action at that. Octavia came and cradled the back of Clarke’s head, left hand on her shoulder and right hand at the nape of her neck. She was surprised by the amount of force behind the jerks. The psychology student hadn’t wanted to grab her too hard, but Clarke’s body seemed to be using all of her strength to flail.
Raven came rushing in with the washcloth, handing it to the law intern immediately before crouching down to put her hands on Clarke’s legs. The medical intern didn’t seem to react to her touch at all, the jerking motions continuing with each passing seconds.
Lexa watched the blonde’s face intently, noticing that the girl’s eyes were open wide. Blue eyes were looking straight ahead, completely unfocused on anything and hazed over. It was a look that Lexa had only ever seen when Clarke was first brought into her house, the nights that the haunted girl would wake up in the middle of the night, screaming through her night terrors, mind consumed by whatever horrors she had been subjected to in her short life.
Green eyes remained locked with blue while the older girl whispered soothing nothings to the seizing girl. Running her hand over Clarke’s forehead, pushing her hair back and wiping the sweat off the girl’s face, she whispered, “You’re okay, baby. It’s going to be okay. It’ll be over in a minute and everything is going to be okay, love.”
After a few more seconds, that felt like an eternity to the three brunettes, Clarke gave a few more weak jerks before her body shuddered and then stilled.
Blue eyes remained unfocused for a few minutes until they finally locked onto green eyes staring down at her. Tears had made their way across her face and forehead,, mixing with the sweat and saliva that had spluttered everywhere. Blonde tresses were a mess upon her head, going in every which direction and stuck in clumps by sweat. Clarke’s face was red from pain, embarrassment, and discomfort. The front of the girl’s pants had a stain spreading across the crotch as a result of her bladder contracting and then relaxing at the end of the seizure.
Blue eyes immediately welled up with tears and Clarke clenched them shut, burying herself in hatred for herself and her condition. She had spent the last half-decade avoiding everyone for this very reason. The blonde knew she was a handful and then some; she knew that she could take a turn for the worse at any given moment, and she wasn’t wrong. She hadn’t even intended to go to these girls’ apartment that night and she still ended up there, ruining everything. She needed just a second to make her way out of the apartment and out of their lives forever.
As she was trying to think up her idea of making her way out of their lives once again, voices around her started making their way through the haze that had engulfed her mind. The stimulation caused an influx of blood to her brain, and she could feel the pain bring the bile up to her throat. She tore herself from the arms around her and stumbled down the hallway, refusing to add to the mess she had already created in these girls’ living room.
The three girls immediately pulled themselves off the floor as their guest stumbled and tripped her way down their hallway. Lexa realized that she was headed for the restroom and followed quickly after her, Raven and Octavia sticking back to start cleaning the mess that had been made in the living room.
The law intern turned the corner around the doorway and was immediately met with the smell of vomit. The blonde was sitting crouched over the porcelain bowl, stringy hair falling over her shoulder and splaying across the seat as she heaved. The sound of gagging and spluttering brought Lexa back to the present and she rushed into the washroom, gathering blonde locks in her hand and pulling them away from the spewing vomit.
Clarke was vaguely aware of the feeling of a hand on her back, rubbing soothing circles, and a voice whispering softly into her ear. Her initial reaction was to jerk away from the person, still unaware as to who it was with her, but she couldn’t bring herself to abandon the voice.
“You’re okay, love. Let it out, babe, just let it out.”
Lexa received a slight grunt in response and the feeling of Clarke actually leaning into her touch. She had expected the girl to recoil and hadn’t been disappointed – she hadn’t expected the girl to actually seek comfort from her. The green-eyed girl continued to say mindless nothings, anything that came to mind, as the girl continued her dry heaving, having nothing to actually bring up out of her stomache. “Everything is going to be just fine, Princess. I’m here now, Clarke, and everything is going to be okay. I won’t leave you, we’re here.”
Clarke slowly came back to her senses, the alcohol having been purged from her body, left with nothing but the pain radiating through every last inch of her body. She turned her head slightly to see brown hair shrouding her vision out of the room. She knew that hair, though, and she resented the comfort that ran through her body at the recognition.
She would know this hair in any world, in any situation, in any time. She had spent countless hours just playing with it, twirling the strands through her fingers, running her fingers through them in rows, burrowing her face deep into them and inhaling their scent. These same locks of hair had provided her comfort on countless nights, tucked under her chin and splayed across her chest, allowing her to sleep when her life kept her up all night. Their owner would turn over in bed, knowing inherently when the younger blonde was awake and thinking loud enough to keep them both up, tucking her head onto the girl’s chest and wrapping an arm around her waist, the weight tethering her mind to reality.
Clarke kept her eyes focused on brown hair in her vision, having enough mind to know that the green eyes that surely accompanied them would break her completely. Before she could stop herself, the medical intern could feel her hand lifting and running through the hair hanging by her. If she had been paying attention, she would have seen the softest of smiles grace Lexa’s face.
Lexa used the girl’s lack of attention to gently guide her into a standing position, bringing her to lean heavily into her own body. Even with the support, Clarke stumbled heavily to the sink, nearly falling over when she bent to reach the water. The brunette quickly pulled her back up, grabbing a disposable cup from the counter and filling it with water to allow the girl to rinse her mouth out without losing her balance.
Once Clarke had effectively rinsed the taste of vomit out of her mouth and had replaced it with the taste of minty mouth-wash, she turned back to the brunette standing against her. Blue eyes finally met green and Clarke felt the blood rush back to her brain. Her head swam and her knees buckled beneath her, bringing her crashing down and right back into Lexa’s arms.
Clarke immediately realized that she hadn’t used her inhaler yet. She was always supposed to use it after an episode to help combat any lasting effects that might have come up. She tried to reach her hand into her pocket, but it seemed that the coordination was still lacking. Her fingers fumbled slightly, barely touching her leg before flopping back to her side. Without any conscious thought behind it, the blonde growled low in her throat to ignore the tears that were making their way into her eyes.
Lexa noticed the movement and was extremely aware of the growl reverberating through the younger girl’s chest and to her own body. Grasping Clarke’s hand in her own, the brunette softly asked her what she was trying to get.
“’Nhaler. Need.”
Green eyes widened immediately, quickly reaching into the girl’s pocket as softly as possible and pulling the red contraption out. Remembering the last two times she had witnessed this, Lexa held it up to the blonde’s lips herself, depressing the pump when Clarke wrapped her lips around it.
After four pumps, Clarke finally pulled her mouth from the inhaler and turned away. She turned her head into Lexa, burying her face at the junction of her neck and shoulder, inhaling her scent. Lexa held her close and allowed the medical intern to derive whatever comfort she wanted from the embrace.
They stayed like that for a few moments until Clarke pulled away and tried to create some distance between them.
Lexa let her pull back, albeit reluctantly, but kept her arms ready to reach out and grab her at any indication that things were going south.
Clarke studied the look on the law intern’s face, seeing nothing but concern and fear written across her features. The hatred flared up once more through her body, finally registering the smell of her own messes, and the blonde quickly ducked her head away from green eyes.
Lexa sighed softly, knowing how Clarke was probably beating herself up in her head. “Do you want to take a shower, Clarke?”
Even with such a soft voice, with not a trace of judgment or resentment, full of nothing but care and understanding, Clarke flinched. On one hand, her head currently felt like 500 elephants were having a jumping competition; and on the other, she had never been around another person after one of her episodes. Her experiences, however, had conditioned her to always expect the worst and she had no reason to disagree.
Once she realized that nothing was coming crashing down at her, however, Clarke slowly looked up to meet Lexa’s eyes. The law intern had completely schooled her features, keeping only a professional look upon her face, refusing to show the already vulnerable blonde any conflicting expressions.
Blue eyes studied the brunette’s face for some time before looking away. If the room hadn’t been at such a stand-still, Lexa would have completely missed the mumbled “Yes, please,” that made its was out of Clarke’s mouth.
Lexa got the shower running, checking the temperature to make sure it was comfortable and not scalding, and turned back to see Clarke still standing there, leaning against the counter and looking down at the ground.
The brunette slowly approached the quiet girl and asked, “Clarke, love, do you need some help getting undressed?”
Blue eyes clenched shut, trying to gain some semblance of control back on her emotions, Clarke nearly imperceptibly nodded her head. As Lexa spoke, warning Clarke each time before she touched her and explaining each article of clothing that she was removing, Clarke could feel the red hot fury well up inside. Of course, it was directed at no one but herself.
For five fucking years Clarke had avoided any interaction with her ex-girlfriend, knowing that she was too much of a handful for anyone to have to deal with. She had resigned to a life of solitude and debts, both of which seemed unending. Despite everything Anya said whenever they got the rare opportunity to actually talk, she had opted out of contacting the woman she loved, refusing to think that it could help either of them. The haunted blonde truly believed that she would just leech all of the good out of her ex’s life, and she was just proving herself right.
Clarke had been relatively unresponsive as Lexa was taking off her clothes. Lexa feared whatever was going through the blonde’s head, hoping beyond hope that she was not feeling even more violated.
As the last of Clarke’s clothes came off her body, Lexa felt the breath leave her lungs. She had expected the younger girl to close in on herself, to try and shield her body from view and scrutiny; she had expected that vision to hurt her heart. What she did see, though, tore it to pieces instead.
Clarke was stood there, legs apart and arms slightly extended to her sides, palms facing out, making her body seem as open as possible. The girl was standing in a sacrificial pose, giving herself up for someone to take, and Lexa realized that Clarke hadn’t expected the touches to be innocent.
Green eyes remained locked on blue eyes, refusing to take advantage of the situation and actually look at the body in front of her, not allowing herself to come even within 100 miles of violating Clarke in the way she expected. As she walked closer to the blonde in front of her, she gently grabbed both of her hands. Closing them into fists and turning them back into a natural resting position, Lexa pulled the hands up to allow Clarke some modesty. The brunette placed the softest of kisses on those hands, feeling all of the new scabs and scars around her wrists and she felt like shit.
Clarke’s breath hitched at the feeling of those soft lips on her skin. She had only dreamt of those lips for the last five years, imagining it over and over whenever Jaha’s clients decided she would be worth a night or two. She imagined those long, slender fingers running across her skin as opposed to the rough and forceful hands of whatever diplomat. She imagined those eyes looking into her own as they lay together instead of the pillow pressed into her face to remove the reality of the paid-for-whore for the men. She imagined those lips on her own, pressing softly and sweetly into her skin, completely undemanding and relinquishing all control to her, as opposed to whatever other body parts Jaha’s clients expected her to take care of.
Lexa could feel the tremors running through the body by hers and tried to provide as much comfort as she could without violating any personal space. Considering she didn’t know what any of the problems were, though, she was having some trouble figuring out how she could possibly help her ex-girlfriend.
Clarke’s mind was in overdrive. She was being flooded with memories, switching from experiences with the girl in front of her and hotel rooms or alleyways or wherever else the guys would take her. Her mind was not equipped or ready to handle any of that just yet and she could feel her body start to give way under the force.
The law intern was caught completely off guard as the body in front of her collapsed. Clarke’s knees buckled under her and she fell forward, catching herself on Lexa’s shoulders. Not knowing what else to do, Lexa hooked her arms under the blonde’s armpits, providing her enough support to stay upright.
It had been so long since the brunette had felt this body pressed against hers but, when she dreamt of being able to do it again, never in a million years would she have imagined it to be like this.
Keeping her arms wrapped around the vulnerable blonde, Lexa gently led her to the shower. She kept one arm around the girl’s waist and used the other to gently lead her under the spray of the water. Realizing that she wouldn’t be able to truly support Clarke like this, Lexa stepped into the shower with her, not bothering to remove her clothes.
Clarke could feel the arms around her, gentle and caring, completely undemanding, and she had no idea what to do with it. It had been years since she had been so vulnerable with anybody and she had resolved herself to the fact that she would spend the rest of her very short life alone. She didn’t want to get close to anyone again because she wasn’t planning on staying long.
This feeling was sending her into overdrive. These arms were the only arms she ever wanted to touch her again, but they were also the arms that she wanted to stay as far as possible away from. She wanted nothing to do with these arms ever again, but she never wanted to step away from them. These arms held every last inch of her mind, body, and heart, and she didn’t know if she ever wanted them back.
The feeling of Lexa lathering soap into her hair, running her fingers through golden locks and cleaning all of the filth she had brought into the brunettes’ home, of soap running over her shoulder blades and down her back, of soft hands making sure to keep the touch as simple as possible, Clarke felt her heart start to flutter in her chest. It had been years since her heartbeat had been anything more than an empty pulsation – like that of a motor, designed for nothing more than power for very basic function. For the first time in half a decade, Clarke could feel some life seep back into her chest.
When Lexa turned the blonde around in order to clean her front side, she was met with a sight that took her breath away. Clarke was standing completely limp, not controlling a single movement of her body and allowing Lexa to have complete control. The look on her face, however, was something neither of them were able to control.
Blue eyes were trained on her face, looking directly into the green orbs in front of them. They were studying, searching, looking deep into their depths to try and understand everything that did not make sense at that point. Those blue eyes were like a storm, swirling and crashing and waving and thrashing, unable to remain still with the ghosts of the monsters and the beautiful memories whirling through their depths. They locked onto green eyes, looking for something solid, something pure, something marvelous to anchor to, knowing that they would be swept away by the power of everything roiling within them.
Lexa kept Clarke under the water for some time, allowing the warmth to wash over her and settle everything that had been haunting her. Eventually, the water ran cold and Lexa had to break the spell that had fallen over them.
“Are you okay to stay here for a minute while I go grab us some towels?”
Clarke wasn’t consciously aware of it until she stopped, but Lexa had been talking the whole time. She was telling small, insignificant stories of her life with Octavia and Raven, stupid things that the three of them had done in the last five years, and Clarke didn’t realize it until she stopped.
The medical intern watched Lexa silently as the brunette led her out of the shower and sat her on the stool in the bathroom. She sat there, just staring at the wall and trying to gather her thoughts. She had no idea if she succeeded or not.
Lexa had run out of the washroom after she sat her ex-girlfriend down and straight into the living room. “I need the softest towels you guys have and whichever one of you has the most comfortable clothes to sleep in, I need those too.”
Octavia and Raven had been sitting on the sofa, deep in thought and holding onto each other for any kind of comfort, when the law intern had come rushing in. They barely registered the fact that she was completely dressed and soaking wet before she started yelling at them. Without a second thought, they both went running into their rooms to grab whatever Lexa needed.
Octavia went to grab her softest towel while Raven went to get her favourite night suit. She had the softest clothes they had ever found, keeping them as a comfort outfit whenever her leg acted up. Everyone would agree that Clarke could use it that night.
Lexa walked back into the washroom with the things to find Clarke sitting in the exact same position she had left her, silently staring at the wall and completely unmoved. The law intern walked in as softly as possible, so as to not startle the quiet girl. She had already wrapped her own hair up into the towel and changed into dry clothes.
She walked over to her slowly, kneeling in the floor in front of the blonde and gently placed a hand under her chin to guide blue eyes to her own. Clarke seemed startled to see Lexa back, but quickly schooled her features.
“Do you want me to help you get dressed, Clarke?” Lexa spoke softly.
Clarke didn’t respond. Her eyes remained trained on her ex-girlfriend’s face, taking in all of the details she hadn’t seen there before. The vision before her was the only thing keeping her mind from going into overdrive and shutting down once again.
Waiting for a moment until she was sure she wasn’t going to get a response, Lexa grabbed the towel on the counter and stared running it softly over the bruised and battered body in front of her. The brunette made sure to keep her eyes trained on Clarke’s face, assuring the blonde completely that Lexa had nothing but innocent intentions.
When she saw a wince mar Clarke’s features, however, Lexa looked down to where her hands were. She had run the towel over Clarke’s ribs and the sight under the towel was horrifying. The blonde’s ribs were painted with a myriad of colours, bruises old and new adorning the skin as red highlights streaked across in cuts and scabs. A scanning glance over the rest of the younger girl’s body brought Lexa’s attention to the abundance of wounds over the expanse of her skin.
Trying to keep her emotions at bay, Lexa brought her eyes back up to Clarke’s face and saw the disgust in them as blue eyes raked over her own form. The brunette tried to offer the younger girl a small smile, hoping to calm her down some, before saying, “Would it be okay with you if I try and take care of some of these? I want to make sure they get cleaned properly.”
Once again, Clarke couldn’t bring herself to respond. She was so not used to someone helping her through these episodes, and even less accustomed to someone caring for her so much in their aftermath. She had never felt this much concern from another person and she was having trouble wrapping her mind around it.
Lexa allowed the silence to wash over her and resolved to take care of the girl in front of her. She kept a watchful eye on the blonde’s features, should there be any indication that she was crossing a line or making her uncomfortable.
The law intern slowly pulled the separate articles of clothing onto the distressed body ahead of her after taking care to make sure any wounds in an area were attended to.
As much as she tried not to ogle at the body in front of her, knowing that the girl had been violated beyond belief for years, but at a certain point she couldn’t help herself.
There were marks on the girl’s hips, going all the way up to her ribs and down to her thighs. There were words carved into her skin – horrible, nightmarish words, that nobody should ever associate with themselves – as well as unintelligible shapes. The most grueling marks, however, were the brands. There were blobs branded into the blonde’s side, like those on an animal.
Lexa could feel tears start to build in her eyes, and she made herself choke them back, refusing to steal this moment from Clarke. It was the first time in six years that she was actually taking the opportunity to put the blonde first, and she refused to waste it.
Clarke watched her ex-girlfriend silently, observing her every movement and every expression. The brunette’s features contorted whenever a particularly bad wound was revealed, and she remained completely focused on each inch of skin that she saw. Green eyes, however, revealed the true depths behind whatever the older girl was feeling. Lexa had never been able to hide her eyes from the young blonde. Clarke was always able to see everything hidden in their depths – the emotions hanging off the branches of the forest hidden within, the thoughts swirling in emerald depths, as priceless as the gem itself.
Clarke watched the emotions tearing their way through eyes that haunted her dreams every night, and couldn’t help herself. She allowed herself to look into them, to see all of the things that she had been missing. The way they looked at her, the way they raked over her body only to make sure she was safe, made the blonde’s heart throb. It was the first time someone had looked at her with nothing but innocence on their mind, and Clarke wasn’t used to it.
She was torn at this point. The medical intern had intended to leave the apartment the next day and disappear from their lives once again. She had planned to go and save these girls from having to deal with her shit, giving them the freedom to forget she was ever there and be able to live their lives like they should.
There were emotions running through her mind now, though, that she hadn’t felt in years. Clarke hadn’t had a connection with anyone since she walked out of her own apartment and the best relationship she could have ever hoped to have. Now that this family was back in her life, she had no idea if she would last more than a few months without them.
Everything going through her mind started overwhelming her and the blonde didn’t know what to do. She felt tears start to well in her eyes and she tried her best to keep them from falling, but once the first tear made its way to the lip of her bottom eyelid, pooling at the threshold and falling over the edge like stepping off a dive-board, taking a leap, it started a chain that had been held back for five years, one she could no longer control.
Lexa was caught completely off guard when she felt the first tear land on her hand. Her head shot up to look at the blonde’s face and was immediately met with watery blue eyes boring into her own, leaking rivers down her face, snaking their way down the column of her throat and disappearing beneath the neck of the shirt now covering her torso.
She was even more taken aback when the first sob made its way to her ears. The brunette barely had a second to react before the girl in front of her had collapsed and fallen right into her arms.
Clarke lost all control over her body and was no longer able to keep herself up. Lexa managed to grab her in time, keeping them both from falling to the floor unchecked. Lexa sat on the floor, back leaning against the door of the shower, Clarke’s body curled in her lap.
The blonde in her arms was shaking and shuddering under the force of the sobs wracking through her body. She was trying to remain as quiet as possible, Lexa could tell, but she couldn’t hold it back. This flood had been held back for years, building and building and it was finally time for it all to come crashing down around her.
They stayed like that for some time, Clarke curled up in Lexa’s arms, face tucked into the brunette’s neck and inhaling her scent, the only thing that could ever comfort her when they were together. It was true that whenever her night terrors reared their ugly head, tearing screams out of the medical student with the ability of waking their neighbors, Lexa’s weight across her body, her head tucked under the blonde’s chin, and her breath wafting across the column of her neck was the only thing that could tether her to reality and allow her to get back to sleep. However, in the “gentler” moments, when Clarke was consumed with abhoration for herself and a desire for it all to be over, the only thing that could bring her out of her own mind was Lexa’s smell. She would curl up, much like this, laying her head on the law student’s chest, wrap her arms around the older girl’s waist, and hold her body as close as possible, not wanting a single monstrous thought to make its way between them.
This moment was no different. Lexa herself was the only thing keeping Clarke collected enough to remain in this reality. It was the first time she had allowed herself to think about all of the monstrous, disgusting, despicable things that had been done to her; the first time she had allowed herself to think about the last conversation she had had with her ex-girlfriend and what she had done to herself afterwards.
Lexa held the body in her arms close to herself. She kept one arm wrapped around the girl’s waist, not allowing any space between them, and used the other to run her fingers through blonde locks. She trailed her hand up and down the clothed back, careful to keep her hands away from the places she remembered there being bruises, and gently scratched at the back of her neck. That had always been one of Clarke’s favourite things: Lexa scratching at the nape of her neck or across her scalp. Things didn’t seem to have changed.
She pressed kisses across the blonde’s hairline as well, trying to provide any possible comfort she could, murmuring quiet assurances into the skin there, “You’re alright, love. You’re okay. I’m right here, Princess, and I’m not going anywhere. We’re here for you. You’re okay now. You’re with us.”
It took Lexa some time to realize that she, too, was shedding tears. It shouldn’t have surprised her, really. She had not a single doubt in any hidden crevice of her mind that this girl was the love of her life, that this girl was the single most important person in her whole world. Knowing the horrors and the evils that she had been through in their time apart was effective in tearing the last bits of her heart to shreds.
Everything that the blonde had been through in the last five years had been because of her, because she had been too caught up in herself to see what the blonde really needed. Lexa had wasted her time with the blonde when they were still together and it had directly led to them being in this position.
Tears streamed down her face at this thought. The guilt of abandoning her ex-girlfriend in their last year together, as well as the pain gripping her heart at the vision of the girl she loved with every part of her in so much pain, was all becoming overwhelming.
It took some time but Clarke’s sobs eventually stopped and slowed into quiet whimpers and occasional gasps. Lexa continued to hold the girl for some time, her fingers still running through now dry hair, lips still pressing light kisses across her forehead.
When she felt her eyelids start to droop and her own body start to give in to her exhaustion, she decided that it was time to take Clarke to sleep.
She stood up from the floor, keeping the blonde in her arms, and rocked back and forth, shushing the girl slightly as she started fussing. The movement disturbed the distressed blonde’s rest and she tucked herself closer into the arms around her. Clarke pressed her nose deeper into Lexa’s neck and tried to snuggle even deeper into her arms.
Lexa eventually managed to make her way out of the washroom, electing to clean the mess the next day, and walked the two of them into her own room.
Reaching the bed, the law intern tried to lower the girl in her arms to lay down. Clarke, however, seemed to have different ideas and clung even tight to the body pressed against her own.
Lexa eventually had no option other than to lay down with the girl. Intending to lay down and then get back up, she soon realized that that wasn’t going to work either. As soon as she got onto her back, Clarke climbed on top of her and pressed herself along the length of the brunette’s body.
The blonde laid her body completely on top of the one under her. Their legs entwined, blonde head resting on the law intern’s bosom, arms clutching desperately around the brunette’s body, Clarke seemed to be holding onto Lexa for dear life.
Lexa wrapped her own arms around her ex-girlfriend’s body, pulling her snug against her. She hadn’t expected to be in this position ever again, having resolved to the fact that she had lost her love years ago, and she would be damned if she let this slip through her fingers too.
Holding Clarke close enough to feel their heartbeats syncing up, Lexa pressed kisses into the crown of the medical intern's head and burrowed her nose into blonde locks, inhaling her scent. Sighing softly, she whispered, "Happy Birthday, Clarke," before following the girl into the land of sleep.