Aftermath
Lexa slowly became aware of her surroundings, pulled from her dreams by a feeling of contentment she hadn’t felt in a long time. It wasn’t the first time she had dreamt of her ex-girlfriend, but it was the first time it hadn’t been a nightmare.
As she woke up more and more, she also became aware of the weight on her body. Looking down, Lexa was met with a field of golden hair, obviously needing to be washed but heart-stoppingly beautiful all the same. Immediately, she realized that it hadn’t been a dream. Clarke actually had come to the apartment. She had shown up drunk off her ass. Everything that had happened afterwards – the outpouring of love, the seizure, the scene in the bathroom, falling asleep together – it actually had happened.
Lexa could feel tears slowly fill her eyes, a burning sensation in the back of her throat. On instinct, she tightened her arms and held the girl tighter against her. The law intern had never imagined that she would ever be able to be in this position again, believing that she had sufficiently ruined the one good thing she had ever had in her life. Waking up with Clarke in her arms once again, knowing she was safe and sound for the time-being, and being able to feel her chest expand with each breath in, release with each breath out, the thrumming of her heartbeat against Lexa’s own chest – it all sent a storm of emotions at the brunette, crashing through her brain like a storm.
She couldn’t believe this was real. She hadn’t felt this happy and this well-rested since everything happened, and she couldn’t help but hate herself for it. The guilt that Lexa was feeling was starting to slowly overwhelm her, eating at her inside and adding to the tears already building in her eyes. She could feel it start to consume her and felt like she would choke if she didn’t move immediately.
No matter what was going through her mind, though, the brunette couldn’t bring herself to move. She could tell that Clarke was deriving some sort of comfort from her; seeing as the blonde had done nothing but pull her closer throughout the night. After everything the law intern had heard the previous night, she knew that Clarke was in dire need of some sort of positive human contact.
Thinking back on the events of the night before, Lexa lowered her eyes to study Clarke’s face. Slightly shrouded by a curtain of hair, the law intern slowly raised an arm to smooth golden locks back. Finally getting a view of her face, Lexa felt the breath leave her body.
Clarke had such a peaceful look on her face. The furrow that had seemed to be ever-present in the girl’s eyebrow, worry lines seemingly permanent on her forehead, were absent. The frown that had taken residence across her lips was gone as well, lips turning upwards, instead, showing the girl’s contentment. Lexa wished above all else that she would be able to keep this image in her mind forever.
Unable to stop herself, the green-eyed girl slowly leaned down and pressed her own lips against Clarke’s forehead. As soon as contact was made, Lexa felt the first tear fall slowly out of her eye and roll down her cheek. She didn’t bother trying to stop those that followed as the girl in her arms pressed in closer, sighing before whispering a soft, “Lexie,” with her smile extending across her lips.
They stayed like that for some time, Lexa taking the time to reflect on everything that had been happening recently. It was only when she felt Clarke shift slightly, pulling away from her and turning onto her side, did Lexa move her body. Trying not to make any sounds or obnoxious movements, Lexa slowly pulled herself up into a sitting position, wincing at the volume of the cracks that made their way up her spine.
Turning to the side, Lexa saw that Clarke was still deep asleep. Not wanting to pass up this opportunity that she had only ever dreamt of happening again, the brunette walked around to the other side of the bed, kneeling so that she was eye-level with Clarke. Green eyes raked over her features, slowly drinking in everything she had missed for so many years. She slowly raised her hand, barely touching the strands of hair in front of her; reveling in the feel of them, the softness, the beauty, Lexa felt more tears fill her eyes at the idea of everything that she let walk out of her life.
As she stroked through Clarke’s hair, the brunette noticed the girl starting to stir. Not wanting to disturb her (obviously much needed) rest, Lexa stood up from the ground and decided to go out to the living room. Moving to the door, she stole one last glance of this peaceful Clarke, hoping to memorize every aspect of the vision, before opening the door and walking out.
Stopping by the restroom first in order to freshen up, Lexa was thrown back into memories of the early morning. Someone had cleaned up the mess that they had left there, and Lexa could almost believe that it hadn’t actually happened. The memories, though, and the pain associated with them would never let her forget it happened.
Lexa hadn’t actually expected to see anyone sitting in the living room when she got there and was surprised to find that Raven and Octavia were already seated on the sofa. They were sitting close together and seemed to be in the middle of some conversation. Walking further into the living room, the law intern snuck a glance at the clock by the TV and saw that it was almost one in the afternoon. A quick flash of panic ran across her face and she ran over to her phone. The panic was replaced by confusion when she found that she had no missed calls from work.
“We called in for you both and said you were sick.”
Green eyes shot over to the voice from the sofa, finding both girls there looking at her quietly. She offered them a soft smile in thanks and they both returned it.
Lexa made her way over to the love seat and slowly sat down. Getting out of bed and coming back into the reality that she now lived in, the tension set back into her body and she could feel it spread through her from head to toe.
“Thank you guys for cleaning up last night.”
Octavia and Raven both looked at their flatmate, offering her small nods of recognition.
Octavia spoke up first, “How is Clarke doing now?”
Lexa sighed, “She’s still asleep. I don’t know what state she’s gonna wake up in.”
A silence settled over them once again and they could all feel the tension in the air. Everything that they had witnessed only hours previous had set them all on edge and none of them really knew what to do.
Raven and Octavia had no idea how to react to everything they saw. Through all of their hardships and trials and tribulations, they had never experienced anything like what happened in their apartment.
Both younger brunettes were having a hard time actually comprehending everything gong through their minds.
Octavia spoke up again to break the silence that had settled over them. “How did you know what to do last night?”
Lexa looked over at the two girls on the sofa, “Between Clarke’s senior year of high school and her first year of undergrad, we both went out and got certified in a bunch of different life support certifications. Always the overachiever, she wanted to go above and beyond just basic life support so she searched out everything she could find. She looked into seizures in particular because they’re so complex.”
“Shouldn’t we have put a biting block or something in her mouth? They say you’re supposed to do that so whoever’s seizing doesn’t bite a chunk outta their tongue or whatever.”
Lexa offered her friends a small smile and explained, “TV and books are usually a bad place to get accurate information on anything. And so is Tumblr. Because matters of the brain are so delicately complex, there is no universal rule of how to treat seizures. If someone who has seizures – which is not limited to people with epilepsy – carries a biting block with them, then you use it. If they don’t have anything, then you have to just let them ride it out as long as it doesn’t go on for too long.”
Raven felt a small smile break across her face, “Look at you, Doctor Lexa. You really do know a little bit of everything.”
Lexa offered her a tight-lipped smile in return before turning back to look straight ahead. She had so many emotions going through her mind right now and she had no idea how to sort through them.
After some time, the silence from her two best friends became almost more deafening than the storm of thoughts roiling through her brain, and she decided to get up and go check on Clarke. Standing up from the sofa, Lexa made her way back into her bedroom.
Opening the door slowly, the brunette was met with a sight that warmed her heart. Clarke was laying on her back, mouth open slightly and head turned to the side, hair splayed out as a halo around her head. The most astounding thing in her expression, of course, was the fact that there wasn’t a single worry on her face. She looked truly restful and Lexa wished that look could remain there forever.
Walking closer, the law intern went to the side of her bed and knelt down by her ex-girlfriend’s head once more. Reaching a hand out to slowly run through golden locks, Lexa allowed a small smile to cross her face once again. She quickly retracted her hand when Clarke’s head turned towards her, but froze when she noticed the smile crossing her ex-girlfriend’s face.
Clarke seemed to still be in some sort of mid-sleep state and wasn’t really aware of what was going on. She turned over to face Lexa with a wide grin and barely opened her eyes. She reached forward and whispered, “Hey baby. Just five more minutes please,” before placing a chaste kiss on Lexa’s mouth and then promptly falling back to sleep.
Lexa stayed on the floor, unmoving. This was the absolute last thing she would ever have expected to happen. She was so not prepared for any of it and her mind was currently going into overdrive.
She stood up slowly, trying to comprehend what just happened, and wasn’t able to make any sense of it. Clarke’s mind must have taken her back to the time that they were still together, something to tether to while she slept through the exhaustion in her body.
Even knowing that the medical intern was basically unconscious when she said what she said, Lexa couldn’t handle it. She had been dying to hear those words, to feel those lips against hers for years, but this isn’t how she wanted it. She wanted to know that she had earned it. She wanted to know that Clarke had been truly comfortable with it happening. She wanted to know that Clarke wanted it as much as she did.
She didn’t want it to be some sleeping mistake. She didn’t want it to be when Clarke wasn’t even aware of what she was doing. She didn’t want it to be just a ghost of what once was.
Not even bothering to change or stop and say anything to her two best friends, Lexa walked out of her room and out of the apartment, running as she got further and further with no indication of stopping.
Clarke was pulled from her sleep when she heard a door slam outside. Her first instinct was to stretch and relax some into the bed, reveling in the fact that she hadn’t felt this good and well-rested in years, but her eyes shot open almost as soon as she closed them.
Everything came rushing back to her. Her night with Jaha’s people, her trek across the city, her babbling to three people fresh in her life, the seizure, the bathroom, and, most horrifyingly, the kiss. Clarke could feel her heart start pounding and her head start throbbing as all of the memories crashed against her like a wave, sobering her immediately.
The blonde flung herself off the bed and ran out of the room. She didn’t even bother waiting to register the fact that she wasn’t wearing her own clothes or that she had been sleeping for almost ten hours. The blonde ran through the apartment and out the door, ignoring the cries of her own name she heard coming from the living room.
As she reached the bottom of the stairs, Clarke became aware of the sound of footsteps running after her. Getting to the lobby, she turned around, her sympathetic nervous system kicking in with her “fight or flight” response preparing her to defend herself. She was met with a huffing brunette, though, calling her name and holding out a pair of car keys and a bag at her.
Octavia had chased after the blonde as she ran out of her apartment. Considering Raven couldn’t drive or run, she had stayed back in case Lexa made it back soon. Neither of them knew what happened other than both ex-girlfriends had run out of their apartment frantically within minutes of each other.
When the young brunette finally made it to the bottom of the stairs (damn, Clarke was fit – she made it down all 7 flights of stairs without stopping), she was glad to find that Clarke had stopped.
Running out the door and into the lobby, Octavia saw Clarke already facing her in a defensive stance and poised to attack. The psychology major raised her hands and said, “I just wanted to ask if you want a ride to your car, Clarke. I know it’s far away and it’s hot as fuck today.”
Clarke got even more confused as Octavia spoke. Could it be possible that the blue-eyed brunette really only wanted to help her? The haunted blonde could almost believe it. Almost.
Thinking back on the months that she had known the other girl, though, Clarke couldn’t help but believe it even more. Discounting the first night they had met, Raven and Octavia had been nothing but perfect to Clarke. They had let her repay her debt to them, they had not asked questions that she knew they were probably dying to ask, they hadn’t pushed her on details that she wasn’t prepared to talk about. They had been nothing but amazing. One part of Clarke wanted to believe that it was too good to be true – that they were eventually going to turn on her too; another part of her, though, thought that she owed them the benefit of the doubt.
Octavia was pleasantly surprised when she saw Clarke slowly nod her head. Jumping a little excitedly, she walked forward towards the blonde and tried to remain as respectful of her distance as possible.
Leading her to the garage, Octavia explained to the medical intern that she was going to be taking Clarke in Raven’s car. It wasn’t as fancy as Lexa’s Audi, but the engineering student made sure to keep it in pristine condition.
Finally reaching the car, Clarke realized why Raven had loved her car so much. The older brunette had her own antique muscle car: a sky-blue 1974 T-bird.
The blonde climbed into the passenger and, apparently, couldn’t keep the awe off her face. Octavia chuckled slightly at her expression and Clarke could feel herself blush.
They rode in silence for a while after Clarke told the girl driving her where her car was. After a few moments, Octavia felt blue eyes turn to look at her. She decidedly kept her eyes on the road so as not to make the blonde any more uncomfortable than she already was.
“I’m sorry for this morning.”
Octavia nearly sighed. She couldn’t wait for the day when this girl – this sweet, pure, amazing girl – stopped apologizing for things that were absolutely not her fault.
“Clarke, you have nothing to apologize for, I swear to you. I’m glad that you were able to make it to our apartment relatively safe.”
Clarke allowed the words to wash over her, trying her damndest to actually believe them. The thought that she was an inconvenient waste of space and time and been so deeply branded into her mind, though, that she was struggling to make the words stick.
After a little more time, Octavia spoke up again, “I want you to know that, if you ever need anything, you’re more than welcome to call me or Raven. We understand that you may not want to come to Lexa just yet, but we’re more than happy to help you in any way that we can.”
Blue eyes studied the brunette, silently contemplating how to reply. Never quite figuring out what to say, Clarke merely nods and looks back out the window.
When they reach the place Clarke said her car was parked, Octavia was sufficiently surprised. Every time Clarke mentioned something about Jaha’s “clients”, she had assumed that their escapades always took place in by-the-hour motels full of rats and questionable stains. This was a five-star hotel with Maseratis, Audis, i8s, and even a Ferrari. Money really could get anyone to turn a blind eye to the scum of the earth.
Octavia took them into a parking structure around the corner from the hotel and pulled into a spot near Clarke’s Chevelle. Before the blonde could make her way out of the car, Octavia started speaking.
“Life sucks.” Blue eyes shot over to the driver, who had her own blue eyes trained on the wall in front of their car. “Shit happens and things can go so completely wrong that life doesn’t even seem worth living sometimes. People do shitty things to others and everyone has some sort of fucked up justification for what they do.” Blue eyes turned to meet blue eyes, an electrical shock running through both girls at the connection. “Sometimes even good people do fucked up shit.”
Octavia reached over and placed a hand on Clarke’s shoulder. “Lexa fucked up, Clarke. Everything that she’s told us about what happened between you guys, I couldn’t believe it at first; that was nothing like the Lexa that I know. But the more I’ve thought about it and the more time I’ve spent with you, I know that I can’t deny it. Even good people can fuck everything up.”
The psychology major turned back to her spot on the wall and tried to think through what she wanted to say. “I’m having a hard time forgiving her for what she’s done. I know she didn’t do it to me, and I know that it wouldn’t have had any affect on my life had you not saved our asses, but I can’t stop thinking about it. Now that you are in my life and now that I kind of know you, I can’t help but think about the fact that you deserve so much better than what she did to you.
“I also know that, sometimes, we can’t help but love the people we love. You love Lexa, and Lexa loves you, and it would be almost impossible for anyone to deny these things. But, Clarke, you see only the beautiful things in her. You’ve held onto the pure things that you remember and the idea of her as the perfect person you needed to stay alive, and I’m so glad that you did. I’m so glad that you held onto something long enough to come into my life.
“I want to be able to help you now; Raven and I both do. We can’t work out yet whether or not Lexa has really atoned for how badly she jacked everything up, but we know that you totally don’t deserve any shit. Even if you don’t want to call us for help yet, or if you don’t want us to help you get away from Jaha yet, can you let us at least hang out with you? We just want to be able to show you that we really do care about you and we really do love you, Clarke. We just want you to be happy and safe and whole.”
Clarke stared at the girl sitting next to her. She could see why Indra had taken such a strong liking to her; she had a fire in her that burned bright and strong. Holding back her emotions as much as she could, willing her memories back into her brain and the tears to remain at bay in her eyes, Clarke studied Octavia. It had been years since she had trusted anyone or allowed herself to have friends. She hadn’t allowed herself to trust anyone else since she lost her family, knowing that everyone eventually left her anyways.
However, she couldn’t help but think that these girls were different. Sure, they had been pretty bitchy when they first met, but Clarke knew a self-preservation tactic when she saw one. They had only been defending themselves, much like Clarke had been doing her whole life. After that night, though, Octavia and Raven had been nothing but perfect. The medical intern knew that they hadn’t actually needed any tutoring in their classes those first few months, but she had found herself actually enjoying their company and not caring. In the ten months since then and now, the two best friends had given Clarke no reason to doubt them.
Deciding that she could try and trust them with just a little bit at first, Clarke nodded slowly, making sure Octavia would see the action.
Octavia clapped her hands excitedly and gave the blonde an incredibly bright smile. Clarke couldn’t help but return it with a small smile of her own.
Clarke opened the door softly and started making her way out of the car. Octavia followed her quickly and made her way to the back of the car. She grabbed the bag and made her way to Clarke’s side of the car.
The blonde eyed the bag questioningly. Looking up to see a smile still on Octavia’s face and mirth in blue eyes, she slowly extended a hand to grab it. Opening it, she felt her heart skip a beat and tears fill her eyes. In the bag was a box from a bakery and a sketchbook and some sketching utensils. Clarke looked up at Octavia questioningly, desperately choking back her emotions.
“Anya told Raven that you love to sketch. She called around to see who knew what you would like for your birthday and that was pretty much the universal idea. I hope you like them. Oh! And you can’t not have a cake on your birthday! Or, well, I guess a cupcake. Which is really just like a personal cake because it’s so small. I mean, who shares a cupcake really. Shit if you wanted a cake to share we can get that too, we weren’t trying to say we didn’t want to share with you really we just – “
“OCTAVIA!” Clarke laughed lightly as the blue-eyed brunette stopped rambling abruptly. “Thank you so much. I love all of it.”
The shy smile that Clarke sent her way instigated a splitting grin to break across Octavia’s face.
They walked over to Clarke’s car in a comfortable silence. Reaching the car, Clarke panicked slightly when she realized that she wasn’t wearing her own clothes. Searching frantically for her keys, the blonde’s attention was caught when she saw Octavia hold keys out for her. Offering the girl a gracious look, she took the keys and unlocked the car, placing the bag of gifts in her backseat.
Opening the door and turning the car on, Clarke turned back to look at the brunette standing behind her. They both smiled at each other and chuckled, neither of them really knowing what to say.
Clarke spoke up first, “I really can’t thank you enough for everything you and Ms. Re – you and Raven have done for me.”
Octavia placed her hand on Clarke’s shoulder comfortingly and looked into her eyes, “You really don’t have anything to thank us for, Clarke. We’re always more than happy to help our family.”
Clarke’s breath hitched at that description of her. They considered her family. She hadn’t had a family in years and she was almost terrified to be considered a part of one again.
Octavia spoke up once again, “So do you have any days off this week?” At the quizzical look on the medical intern’s face, she explained, “I wanted to know if you had a day you would be free to hang out.”
The hopeful look on the psychology major’s face didn’t allow Clarke to blow her off.
“I’m off all day Friday, until Saturday afternoon.”
“Awesome! How would you feel about coming to the gym with me on Saturday? I usually go around 6:30 in the morning, but I’m open to going anytime.”
Clarke smiled. She was glad they weren’t going out shopping or anything. “Early morning is the best time for a workout.”
Octavia smiled wide at her, glad that she had accepted.
With a smile of her own, the medical intern extended a hand, offering Octavia a handshake. The younger brunette opened her mouth slowly, “Clarke, would you be terribly opposed to a hug instead? You’re more than welcome to say no, of course, but I donno, I feel like we’re past handshakes.”
Keeping her hand extended, Clarke thought about it for a moment. She remembered that the last few times she had hung out with these girls they had just jumped up and hugged her. Nothing bad had happened those times, so she had no reason to fear it now. Octavia was even asking this time.
Slowly, Clarke raised her other arm to open them into an invitation. With a wide smile, Octavia stepped closer, wrapping her arms around Clarke’s middle.
They stayed in an embrace for a few moments. Clarke was tense at first, but she eventually warmed up to the contact, releasing the tension in her body and relaxing against the younger brunette.
Pulling apart, Clarke got into her car and Octavia walked over to hers. They both pulled out of their parking spots and waved as they passed each other.
Raven sat in the apartment after Octavia ran out after Clarke. Left with nothing but her thoughts, the brunette tried sorting through them and calming herself.
Seeing what Clarke had been dealing with on her own for the last five years had really hit the braced brunette hard. She knew how miserable it was for her at times, even with so much support and help around her, Raven could have days where the pain was unbearable or she just wanted to wallow in her self-pity.
Clarke’s situation was so much worse than hers. Raven couldn’t imagine something like this even in her worst nightmares. Clarke was living in a literal Hell on Earth, and she was living in it completely alone. She was on her own with demons eating at her 24/7, and it was Lexa’s fault.
Raven loved her best friends, there was no doubt about it. She loved them enough to be able to acknowledge when they’d fucked up beyond belief. From everything she had heard from Lexa, Raven could tell that the law intern had really just not thought about the consequences of her actions. Raven knew better than most what that kind of living did to people.
The aero-mechanical engineering student was brought out of her musings when the front door crashed open and the girl consuming her thoughts fell through the threshold. Lexa was a sweaty mess, panting and huffing, wide-eyed with clear tear-tracks running down both cheeks. On a normal day, Raven would have immediately jumped up and made sure everything was okay. That day, however, there were so many thins running through her own head that Raven was just trying to keep control of herself.
Raven stayed on the sofa as Lexa went to grab a cup of water and came and collapsed on her love seat. Brown eyes trailed her movements and studied her as she dropped her head against the back of her seat, looking up at the ceiling and not moving.
Green eyes eventually came down to meet the brown eyes trained on her, full to the brim with tears and bottom lip trembling. The law intern whimpered slightly, “I fucked up, Rae. I fucked up so bad.”
Not wanting to allow the girl off the hook again, Raven simply said, “Yea, you did.”
Lexa felt a painful throb in her chest when Raven agreed with her, but she couldn’t bring herself to argue. She knew that it was true and she knew that she deserved to hear it. She was ever thankful that her two best friends had been supportive so far, but she had a feeling that it wasn’t going to last.
“Everything got so fucked up. It all went to shit and it all happened so fast and I don’t even know how.”
Raven forced herself to stay calm. “You lost sight, Lexa. You had a great relationship with an incredible girl and you lost sight of it. Sure, it can happen to anyone, but the ones who think things are really worth fighting for usually snap themselves out of it.”
Lexa felt like she had been slapped. She had a feeling that she was going to get quite an earful from her best friend.
“Lexa, I love you. You know I love you and you know you’re my best friend. When you first told us what happened, Octavia and I couldn’t really believe that it was true. We couldn’t believe that you were ever really capable of letting someone like Clarke walk out of your life; and you didn’t just let her walk out, you literally pushed her away yourself. It’s just, I don’t know, Lexa. It seems like this whole thing just gets shittier day by day.”
Lexa could feel the tears streaming down her face, not prepared to hear all of this voiced out loud, but knowing she deserved it.
“The Lexa that we know now is a lot stronger than the old Lexa must have been. But I don’t know what that really means when it came at the expense of Clarke’s life.”
The breath left the older brunette’s body at that. A single sob forced its way out of her chest and she could feel her tears come out even harder than before. The worst thing was that she couldn’t even deny that what Raven was saying was completely correct.
She had been so full of herself, so consumed within her own life, that she had completely neglected to even care about how Clarke was doing. She had put herself at the front of her mind and had completely neglected her relationship with Clarke except for when it was convenient for her.
Lexa hadn’t even accepted proper responsibility for it yet. She had been so busy thinking about what all of these changes had meant for her that she hadn’t really thought about what it meant for Clarke. Or maybe she wasn’t able to handle that thought.
She knew that Clarke’s life had gone to beyond shit in the time since they’d been together. Clarke’s life had become the stuff of horror stories and there was no longer any way Lexa could get away without addressing it.
In the middle of their musings, Octavia came back through the front door. They both turned to look at her as she walked in and she gave Raven a big smile and nod. The young brunette then turned and gave Lexa a slightly more reserved smile.
They sat in silence for some time, none of them really knowing what to say. All three flatmates were busy thinking about the blonde that had made such an impact on their lives.
Lexa spoke up. “I fucked up, guys. I know that I’ve been saying that, and I know that you’ve both told me it was okay, but it really wasn’t. I need to figure out how to fix it.” Feeling tears well in her eyes once again, the brunette cleared her throat before turning to look at her two best friends. “I just…I don’t know if I can fix it. I don’t know if I deserve to even try.”
“I don’t either.” Octavia and Lexa were both shocked by Raven’s response.
Octavia whispered her name, cautioning her not to be too harsh on the older brunette.
“No, O, we can’t keep playing nice. She has to hear the truth, and she has to see how ugly the truth really is without any sugarcoating.” Raven turned to face her flatmate on the love seat, keeping the fire out of her eyes, but not losing any of her conviction. “You know we love you, Lexa, and nothing can change that. You’re our best friend and you’re practically our sister. We’ll always be family and no one can tear us apart.
“But, Legally Brunette, just saying that you’re sorry and that you know you messed up isn’t gonna fix everything that’s happened. We all know that what you did then was wrong. You used Clarke like a teddy bear, picking her up off the shelf when you wanted a romantic relationship and putting her back when you wanted to have fun with Costia. It was fucked up. You used her history and her past as a means to get her off your back when you were confronted with what you did. That was beyond fucked up. It’s going to take more than just a simple apology to move past that.
“You know that and I know that, but Clarke doesn’t know that. Clarke thinks that whatever happened then was her fault and that she did something wrong. I mean, sure she just left your guys’ apartment without saying anything, but it’s a lot more understandable that she would react like that. You should have gone after her. You should have showed her that she was worth fighting for. You should have showed her that you loved her enough to put her ahead of yourself.
“That girl is so pure, and so fucking good, and she doesn’t know any of it. She thinks that she’s trash and that she’s not worth anyone’s time because she was never made to believe otherwise. Her whole life has reinforced that idea in her mind. She even said this morning that she wasn’t good enough for you to keep. That’s what she thinks. That’s what’s been literally beaten into her mind.
“A simple apology and acceptance of responsibility may bring her back into your life, but it’s not going to fix what happened, Sexy Lexie. You gotta prove to her what she’s worth. You gotta show her that she deserves the world and you’re willing to give it to her. We all know that you would bring the stars to Earth for that girl – we all know that but her, and she’s the one that you have to convince. She’s the one that actually has to feel like she’s worth more than some cheap fuck and then a crap-ass motel room if she’s lucky.
"Anyone with a medical condition is already going to think they're damaged goods. Clarke has that shit to deal with on top of everything else. You're going to have to accept that and bring it into your relationship if you decide to. You're going to have to deal with it and acknowledge that it will become a part of your life. You can't let it overpower your relationship, but you also can't let it be some elephant in the room. You're going to have to make a lot of adjustments and you can't let her feel like a burden. Trust me, she'll feel like enough of a burden on her own.
“If you don’t think you’ll be able to do it, if you don’t think you can handle all of the baggage and history and weight and terrors that come in the wondrous package that is Sunshine Clarke, then you shouldn’t try. She deserves the earth, the stars – hell, she deserves the whole damn galaxy, and she deserves someone who’s going to show her that.”
Lexa was sitting frozen, mouth agape and eyes wide open, tears streaming down her face unabashedly. She had been completely unprepared for all of this, but there was no way the brunette could deny anything her best friend was saying.
Octavia spoke up next, slightly softer than Raven but not without any of the power behind her words. “She is right, Lexa. I might have said it with a little bit more tact, but she pretty much said it all. If you plan on having any sort of relationship with Clarke, be it friendship or romantic, you’re going to have to work insanely hard. That girl has no reason to believe that people actually want her in their lives and it’s gonna take a-fucking-lot to convince her otherwise.” Softening her voice and her gaze even further, she said, “You have to let us know what you plan on doing, babe. Whatever you decide, Raven and I are going to try and keep her in our lives. We want to make sure that she knows she has a safe place and that she doesn’t actually just giving up one night.”
Lexa sucked in a breath at that comment. She flashed back slightly to early that morning when Clarke had been slurring out a huge confession of love for her. The blonde had gone on and on about how Lexa’s eyes had been the one thing to keep her going, to keep her alive over the years, and the law intern knew that she would never be able to truly make up for what she had done.
Everything Octavia and Raven had said had been completely right. Everyone had been going to easy on her, allowing her to sit in self-pity and feel guilty without actually doing anything to fix what she had done. They had coddled her and shielded her from the consequences of her actions and it was time for her to face the music and deal with the circumstances.
Lexa quickly wiped at the tears still snaking rivers down her face and turned to really look at Raven and Octavia. If anyone else had said to her what they had said, she would have walked away from them and decided that they weren’t worth keeping in her life. If she didn’t know them as well as she did, she would have thought that they were assholes with not care about her feelings.
But she did know them. Lexa knew them as if she had been living with them for her whole life. She knew that they loved her and that that was the only reason they even thought about saying all that they did. She knew that they were both sitting on the sofa with baited breath, holding all of their air in their lungs and only giving off looks of confidence. She knew that they were terrified that they had gone too far and that Lexa was going to want to be done with them.
Allowing a small, sad smile to spread across her face, Lexa studied both brunettes on the sofa. They were both as scarred as each other and were probably the closest she would ever get to legitimate input on how to help Clarke. She was going to prove to all of them that she was in this for the real deal. Whether or not they would have a relationship would be completely up to Clarke, but Lexa was going to make sure she knew that she was worth every bit of her life.
“I love you both so much.”
Both girls on the sofa released an enormous sigh, allowing the tension to leave their bodies.
“I know that I’ve done wrong by Clarke, and I know that I’ve done nothing but add to the number of scars she has in her mind, but I really do want to actually fix it. I want to be able to prove to her that what happened was absolutely not her fault. I want to be able to prove to her that she deserves everything I could possible give her and then some. I want to be able to show her how genuinely, completely sorry I am for completely fucking everything up.
“I can’t do that without you two, though. You’re the only ones who gave me the reality check that I needed, and you’re the only ones who are really going to understand what Clarke’s situation is really like. I’m going to need you guys to make sure I’m going in the right direction.” Looking off to the side, thinking on everything that she was going to have to do, Lexa sighed, “I just need her to know that she deserves love more than anyone I know.”
Raven leaned over the side of the sofa, reaching her arm to place her hand on Lexa’s, and offered the brunette a smile when green eyes turned to meet hers. “We’ll be here for you every step of the way; for both of you.”
Octavia spoke up as well, “Yea we will. We’re going to get that girl her family back, and we’re going to make sure she knows that we all want her to be a part of it.”
Lexa studied the two brunettes next to her and smiled to herself. She had never thought that her lives would have ever collided in such a manner, but she found herself grateful that they had. She knew that she couldn’t undo everything she had done wrong over the years, but she could work to try and rectify some of the things she had so royally messed up.
With these two girls by her side, there was no doubt in her mind that she would be able to bring Clarke Griffin back into her family; back into the safe place she deserved to be.