Dinner Actually Goes Well
Lexa had been having a tough time building herself up to text Clarke and ask if she was ever free, but Raven and Octavia would jump at any opportunity to talk to the blonde. They texted her every few days about any random thing they could, and the law intern was almost jealous of how comfortable they were getting around her ex. She wanted to be back at that level with the younger girl, but she was drowning in her guilt and she had no idea how to pull herself out of it. Every time she pulled out her phone, a message typed out and finger hovering over the "send" button, Lexa flashed back to their last conversation and started questioning whether or not they would even know what to do with the contact.
The green-eyed brunette was able to bring herself to text the medical intern a few times, and they had cordial enough conversations, but they really didn't know what to say to each other. They had gone from living together for three years to not talking to each other for four years, and they no longer had the same connection. They no longer knew which side of the bed the other slept on (though Clarke still slept against the wall and Lexa slept on the open side, snuggling a teddy bear or pillow to fill up the empty space); they no longer knew how the other's toilet paper turned (though Clarke still kept it going over and Lexa couldn't have it the other way anymore); they no longer knew which pant leg went on first, or what order the other washed dishes in, or what kept the other up at night (though none of that really changed over time, memories of a previous life keeping them in the same routine for some small bit of comfort).
The law intern had her hands full at work, though, so she didn’t have too much time to dwell on it. Gustus had been giving her more and more work and, as tedious as it was, she was excited for the opportunities. He was personally mentoring her and had essentially taken her under his wing.
The one thing about work that sufficiently put a damper on her day was that Costia had ended up at the same firm. She wasn’t necessarily a rival or anything and they didn’t particularly spend too much time together, but they did have to work together on things every so often. The two brunettes hadn’t spoken much after everything that happened at Costia’s apartment five years previous and there had been an underlying tension between the two of them since then. Costia had apologized in the beginning, explaining to Lexa the conversation she had had with Clarke that morning. The curly-haired law student had tried to threaten Clarke and intimidate her into letting her have Lexa, but the blonde had easily knocked that down. Clarke had told her that Lexa was anything but someone’s possession to have and she only deserved someone who would give her the world. She had told Costia that if she would be able to give Lexa all that she deserved, Clarke would willingly back off. But, if the olive-skinned girl wasn’t in it with her whole heart, then she had no right to interfere in Lexa’s life.
The green-eyed brunette had walked away in the middle of the conversation, unable to handle the emotions. She had never been able to deny an attraction the darker brunette, but she had never loved the girl. Clarke had her body, heart, and mind and Lexa should never have even thought that she would be able to walk away from that. The medical student would have let her, though, and she wouldn’t have put up a fight. Hearing that story from Costia was the first time she realized that she might never be able to move on from the blonde.
Work was a solace to her now, though. She was able to focus on helping people and learning at the same time. Lexa had decided to go into family law. She was focused on law within the foster system and for children who had lost their families, and she felt like she couldn’t have been doing anything else.
Raven and Octavia had both finished school for the term and had their hands full with their own programs. Octavia was shadowing a psychologist at the local Children’s Hospital, learning the tricks of her trade before she started school again in the fall. Raven had a job at a local Tesla engineering firm, learning all about the technology that would go into the cars of the future. They couldn’t have been more stoked about their summer plans if they tried.
They were particularly excited that they had managed to make plans with Clarke two weeks into their break. Lexa, Raven, and Octavia all happened to have a Saturday off together and decided to ask the medical intern if the hospital could spare her for a day. Getting confirmation from the blonde, they agreed to meet up at a locally owned coffee shop.
Raven and Octavia were the first ones to make it to the coffee shop that day since Lexa claimed she had something she needed to do. They knew exactly what they would be getting before even sitting down so their drinks were already sitting in front of them when Clarke showed up. She ordered a simple hot chocolate and grinned when the two brunettes laughed at her for being so simple.
"Clarke, you're literally one of the most mature people I've ever met. I don't think anyone would even believe me if I told them you're really just a big softy."
The blonde offered a sheepish smile to Octavia's joking voice, electing to appreciate the light-hearted air about them as opposed to dwelling on the reasons behind the dichotomy of her behaviors.
Lexa came rushing into the coffee shop in the middle of Octavia telling a story about a giant hulking dude at the gym who was completely ripped in the top half of his body, but his legs looked like toothpicks that would snap at any moment. Raven laughed at that, openly judging the “gym buffs” that ignored leg days.
They talked about work for a while, then went on to summer plans. None of them really had anything they wanted to do outside of work considering they wouldn’t be taking much time off. Clarke was supposed to start her psychology rotations soon, so she mentioned that she’d be spending less time at the hospital.
Octavia jumped on that, “Holy shit! Does that mean we get to hang out more???”
Clarke was startled by the sudden excited outburst, but felt a smirk cross her face, “It is possible that I’ll be able to go out more, yes; but I will be doing more work outside of the hospital as well, though.”
The three flatmates felt a twinge of worry at that, knowing what kind of work she did outside of the hospital. Raven didn’t want to let the atmosphere go somber, though, so she said, “How about we get together for drinks next Friday. We’ll take you to our favourite bar and it’ll be a blast and then come over and watch movies and just chill.”
Lexa’s eyes immediately shot over to Clarke, knowing how the blonde felt about bar scenes. Raven realized her slip up immediately and added, “Or we could do dinner or something! We could do literally anything. Whatever works for everyone is what we should do.”
Clarke looked back at the mechanic and felt some of the weight leave her chest when she saw the big smile directed her way. She gave a soft smile back and said, “I’m more than happy to do whatever you all would like to do.”
Eventually they agreed on going out to dinner and maybe back to the girls’ apartment for a movie. Before they could discuss much else, Clarke got a call from the hospital, causing her to have to run out of the coffee shop. The three brunettes watched her walk away, more than happy that they had successfully made plans for the following weekend.
The week went quickly for all four of them. They all had so much work thrown their way that they rarely ever saw each other. By the time Friday rolled around they were all excited to just be able to spend time together. Lexa, Raven, and Octavia made their way out of the apartment laughing and messing with each other, more than excited to finally have a night to just go out and chill. They weren’t going anywhere super casual, but they weren’t too fancy either and they were perfectly balanced to look comfortable and hot as fuck.
Octavia was wearing a pair of jet black skinny jeans tucked into ankle boots, paired with a solid purple shirt that made her eyes pop. She wore a soft black jacket over it and had her hair flowing down in gentle waves over her shoulder. Raven had on a pair of black jeans as well, tucked into her combat boots, allowing her brace to camouflage in. She had on a red and black flannel shirt and had her hair up in a bouncy ponytail. Lexa, true to their trend, also donned black jeans, although hers were paired with a some black and white converse. She had a green shirt on to accentuate her eyes as well and covered it with a black leather jacket. Her hair was up in a mess of intricate braids, giving her a regal and powerful look. She refused to admit that she had dressed up to impress anyone in particular and her two flatmates couldn’t help but poke fun at her.
Clarke walked out of her car at the same time that the three flatmates were walking towards the restaurant. They decided on a small, local restaurant that Lexa, Raven, and Octavia went to all the time. They know the servers there rather well and always manage to have a good time. Clarke saw the three girls as they were passing their cars and felt her breath catch; they all looked fantastic. It was impossible to deny that the three ladies were attractive as hell, and she refused to admit that Lexa had a special effect on her. She looked down at her plain grey button up shirt, black jeans, and combat boots and sighed, hoping she didn’t look too dull for them.
Considering it was relatively early in the evening, there wasn’t a large crowd in the restaurant. All four of them were more than okay with that. They got a booth in the back, keeping them away from the bustle of people when crowds started coming in. Everyone understood that Clarke would want the corner seat against the wall, facing the room and able to see everything. Octavia sat next to her, Lexa sat across from her, and Raven sat next to Lexa in order to allow her braced leg room to spread out. Clarke and Lexa snuck glances at each other, eyes meeting from time to time and blushes spreading across both of their faces each time. Raven and Octavia exchanged sly looks, knowing the two oblivious idiots wouldn’t realize that they were still hung up on each other.
Octavia started the conversation, “So, Clarke, have you ever been here before?”
“No, ma’am, I haven’t. I don’t really go out to eat much.” It was said as a joke, but the tension behind her words was impossible to miss. A blind person could see that Clarke was uncomfortable at the moment, but they all hoped she would calm down a little as the night went on.
The blue-eyed brunette allowed the “ma’am” comment to slip for that reason. Instead she said, “Oh! That means we get to take your Bestia virginity.”
The wink that was sent her way with those words caused Clarke to choke on her water. Octavia threw her head back, laughing as she patted the blonde on the back to help her clear her throat. Blue eyes met blue and Clarke could see the mirth hidden in her new friend’s eyes. Wanting to seem friendlier than she usually did and not scare the three ladies away she forced a chuckle out. It was stupid that, after all these years, the topic of her virginity still caused her to flash back to the time it actually had been taken.
Lexa knew from experience what that word did to the blonde and watched her face carefully. She knew that Clarke was struggling on the inside with that word, and her heart ached that the younger girl wasn’t allowing it to show through. She wanted to be able to reach over and hold her hand, to run her own fingers through golden locks and pepper her forehead with kisses, comforting her and shielding her from all of the awful memories. But she couldn’t do that anymore and she had to settle with keeping her hands between her knees and biting her lip.
Clarke refused to let the words affect her and carried on a normal conversation with the two newest brunettes in her life. She was acutely aware of green eyes boring into the side of her head, but she refused to fuck up their evening again. The last few times she had spent time out with these ladies, everything had gone to shit. The medical intern was going to do every damn thing in her power to ensure that that didn’t happen again.
They laughed when Clarke ordered a macaroni-and-cheese with Sprite, asking her how someone so badass would be obsessed with a cheesy kid’s food. Clarke played along though, “One can never have enough cheese. If a food doesn’t have at least four different kinds of cheeses, then it’s not a gourmet meal.” The serious way she spoke caused the two girls to break out in laughter again, bringing a smile to the blonde’s face.
Lexa watched them all, content to see her best friends interact with her ex. She hadn’t expected to see Clarke this carefree with her flatmates so soon, but she wanted to enjoy it to the max. The one thing she definitely noticed, though, was that Mac-n-Cheese with Sprite was her ex-girlfriend’s comfort meal that she ate whenever she was under a lot of stress. She knew immediately that Clarke was more uncomfortable than she let on.
The green-eyed brunette tuned in again when she heard Raven say, “Oh! This place has the best mimosas! We’re definitely going to have you try one.”
Clarke shuddered internally at the mention of alcohol, but didn’t allow the small smile to fall off her face. Instead, choosing her words very carefully, she said, “Actually, Raven, I prefer not to drink, so I’m going to have to pass.”
“Oh yea! Lexa mentioned something about that. Why is that, if you don’t mind my asking?” Octavia asked.
Clarke couldn’t stop herself from bristling at that question. She forced herself to calm down, though, and said, “Well, you see, that’s a complex question. I can give you the short or full answer.”
Trying to relieve some of the tension, Raven said freely, “Well, we have all the time in the world! Why don’t you give us your full answer?”
The medical intern looked at the broad and open smiles on both faces in front of her and knew she wouldn’t be able to deny them. She looked over at Lexa for a quick second, meeting her green eyes, and she felt all of the tension in her body release. It was the first time in five years that thinking of the green-eyed brunette had calmed her down instead of caused her pain. With a fresh smile on her face, she turned back to the two expectant brunettes and set off into her superficial explanation.
"Well, you see, there's a lot about alcohol and its effects on people that are not really advertised to the consumers. In low doses, alcohol has an anxiolytic effect, which means that it reduces the effects of anxiety. Which definitely sounds like a good thing, but it does so by releasing the person from the effects of aversive stimuli. So, essentially, someone could get an electric shock and, with enough alcohol, they wouldn't even notice it. Alcohol acts as an antagonist of NMDA receptors. Now, NMDA receptors have a lot to do with sodium, calcium, and potassium pathways within cell membranes, as well as different enzymes. The biggest thing affected, though, is the characteristics of its synapse that begins the formation of new memories.
"As you drink more and more, alcohol also inhibits GABAA receptors, which means that particular neurotransmitters remains active in the synapse for longer than is natural. Increased GABAA activity results in sedations which, mixed with glutamate suppression, results in loss of coordination, comprehension, and attention. It also increases the release of dopamine in the brain, which generally results in feelings of elation and happiness, but can affect some people negatively. Changing the way neurotransmitter fire and work within the synapses is a risk that no one should take because it completely changes the conformation of the brain. Drinking regularly, even a little bit at a time, can completely change how GABAA, serotonin, dopamine, glutamate, and many other neurotransmitters are translated over the years."
Once she had started medical talk, it was hard for her to stop. She realized that she had most likely completely lost her audience, and she tried bringing it back off on the big terminology. However, the attention being thrown her way by the three brunettes at her table and those at the table next to them caused her to start rambling even further. "The changes in these behaviors while under the effects of alcohol can change everything about a person's character. People tend to lose awareness of their surroundings and what is or is not appropriate. And with my personal experience with alcohol and alcoholics, not being 100% aware of your surroundings at all times can have terrible consequences." The blonde dug her nails into her palms with that statement, realizing that her explanation too a turn into territory that she wanted to avoid completely. Forcing a chuckle through her teeth in an attempt to lighten the mood, she joked, "Most importantly, though, alcohol makes people look like fools and I'd rather avoid that in front of you all."
They all released breathy chuckles at that, allowing Clarke’s joke to break through the tension. It was a lame joke and they wouldn’t have laughed in any other situation, but they all knew that the blonde was probably uncomfortable at this point and none of them really knew how to react.
“Well, we’re definitely not here to make you do anything you don’t want to, so you just dig into that Mac-n-Cheese and down that Sprite and we’ll all have a blast. Okay? Okay.”
Clarke felt a genuine smile cross her face at Raven’s easy words. Her attention was caught by the waiter coming with all of their dishes, effectively ending that part of the conversation.
Raven and Octavia spent the first few minutes after receiving their food fighting over whether or not they were going to share with each other. Lexa watched them with a fond smile. The two brunettes fought like Athens and Sparta, but they loved each other and she knew they would end up eating out of each other’s plates anyways.
Green eyes made their way to the blonde’s fair features, taking in everything she had missed in the last five years. Her face was more solemn than it had been then, something she would never have believed was possible. The blue eyes that haunted her dreams were still there, however they were dull and subdued compared to the vibrancy that lit up her life when they been together. Those eyes used to be able to fix her entire day with a single look or twinkle, and now they looked cold and hard, guarded tighter than Fort Knox. Her cheekbones and jawline were far more defined, which Lexa assumed was from extra years of working out like crazy. That thought led her to remembering Octavia’s comment about Clarke’s involvement in a fight club and her reminiscing was cut short once again by the harsh reality of what their lives had become.
Clarke could feel green eyes boring into her skin. The last thing she wanted, though, was to make the law intern feel awkward that she had been caught staring. Add that to the fact that Clarke wasn’t sure if she was mentally capable of looking into green eyes and not breaking down. She watched her two new friends(?) bicker about food and allowed it to comfort her out of whatever thoughts were trying to make their way into her mind.
After some time and a couple of different arguments later, the four ladies sat silently, just enjoying their food. Raven eventually broke the silence, unable to hold back her curiosity about the newest addition to their Friday night outing.
“So, Clarke, how is it that you’re at USC?”
Clarke took a sip of her Sprite before giving an answer, contemplating how much information she wanted to disclose. "Well, I had contacted different medical schools early in my undergrad. I was out one night and one thing led to another and I ended up with a connection at the school. I applied after I took my MCAT and the guy there looked at my application."
Octavia had heard the full story from Lincoln, and she knew the information that was being left out. She couldn't quite figure out why, exactly, Clarke didn't want to tell them everything, but she understood that the younger blonde had her own pace that she was comfortable moving at. She didn't want to push the girl too hard.
Octavia did decide to reach a little further with the next question, though: “Does medical school offer some sort of scholarships?”
Clarke looked at Octavia closely, watching for any sign of judgment. Seeing nothing but genuine curiosity, she sighed, “No, ma’am. That's part of what has caused me so many problems. At one point in time, the pricy-ness of USC wasn't quite as daunting as it is now, but the medical bills proved to be big pains in the ass. There is a program at USC that Dr. Deidre has me working with that have lessened the amount that I owe by a little bit. I'm working however I can outside of the hospital, though, to try and help with whatever else I still have to take care of."
“Does that work happen to include a fight club?”
Blue eyes shot over to meet green, noticing immediately that the law intern hadn’t intended for the words to come out. After all these years, she could still read those eyes as if they were a book written specifically for her, glowing and worn like a well read novel that you couldn’t put down no matter how much you might want to. She took a deep breath before answering, “I do whatever it takes to survive. I try not to go too often, but sometimes money gets tight and I need something quick. So yes, that work does occasionally entail a fight club.”
The three brunettes at the table could feel the tension rolling off the blonde in waves and decided it would be better if they let the conversation drop. The last thing any of them wanted was for the medical intern to feel like they were attacking her.
Raven broke through the tension with a wise-ass joke about the movie Fight Club and Octavia jumped right on it, allowing everyone to move on from the weight of the previous conversation.
They all finished their food and waited for their bills to come by. They generally traded off with one person paying for the meal in total but had agreed beforehand to pay individually so as not to put any pressure on Clarke. When their bills finally showed up, though, they all noticed Clarke hesitate when pulling out her wallet. They could tell she was struggling to come up with the right amount, but all three flatmates abstained from looking at her directly. Clarke knew that they were all aware of her struggle and was grateful that they were acting oblivious.
When they were done in the restaurant, they walked along the sidewalk with some shops and such. Clarke noticed a Cold Stone a few shops down and unconsciously turned to Lexa with an excited look on her face, almost hopping up and down. She was met with such a pained look of longing in green eyes and was immediately brought back to their current situation. The blonde jerked back around, looking straight ahead as stiffly as possible.
Octavia noticed the interaction (if you could call it that) and decided to handle it herself. She quickly grabbed Raven’s hand and guided her directly towards the ice cream shop, eyeing the two behind them from the door. The two younger brunettes were already looking at different ice creams when Clarke and Lexa walked in. They got in line behind their friends calmly, watching them with soft smiles on their faces.
Clarke and Lexa waited for the two excited brunettes to order their ice creams before moving forward. Lexa’s brain immediately took her back over five years and she walked right up to the counter and said, “One ‘like it’ birthday cake remix, please, and one ‘like it’ banana ice cream with two Reese’s cups, please.”
Clarke stood frozen where she was. Her brain was imagining herself five years younger, safe and secure with her girlfriend’s fingers between her own, a loving smile directed at her. Remembering those experiences, feeling those feelings, it all made her feel inexplicably dirty and she had an urge to go take a shower. She didn’t want her current self to taint the memories she had of her life before.
Lexa realized what she had done almost immediately after it was done. She turned to the blonde next to her, intending to apologize profusely for assuming her order, but stopped short when she saw the look on her face. Blue eyes were looking at her with such fire in them, burning with some unrecognizable emotion behind walls Donald Trump would be jealous of. Realizing that they were blocking the people behind them from ordering, she gently placed her hand on the medical intern’s shoulder to guide her towards the table Octavia and Raven had picked out for them. She tried not to react when Clarke flinched at her touch, but she couldn’t stop her heart from breaking.
Raven and Octavia definitely noticed what happened between them at the counter and they put extra effort into not letting it show on their faces. Under normal circumstances they would have poked endless fun at Lexa, but they were concerned with how Clarke would react to the attention. They decided, instead, to tease the green-eyed brunette when they got back home.
The four friends enjoyed their ice cream for some time, although Clarke was noticeably quieter now than she had been earlier. None of them faulted her for it, though, knowing that this night had been full of lots of new experiences for the closed-off girl. After finishing their ice cream, they realized that it was already almost 9 o’clock. They walked towards their cars, Raven, Lexa, and Octavia having come in one and Clarke in her own.
The three flatmates walked the blonde to her car and they stood there for some more time just talking. Raven, being the mechanics nerd that she was, asked if she could check out the Chevelle. While Raven went crazy over the car, Clarke explained to them that the car had been her parents’ when they were alive and her father had kept it for her. Her lawyer had contacted her when she turned 16, saying that her father had wanted her to have the car when she got her license. She had refused it at the time, arguing that she didn’t want anything so precious and valuable while she was still in the foster system. She got in contact with him again when she moved into the Woods’s house and found out about all of the other things she would inherit after she turned 20.
Lexa’s eyes widened. “That’s where the trust fund came from!”
Clarke eyes the brunette, surprised that she actually remembered that information. Lexa was in law, though, so it wasn’t too shocking. “Yes, ma’am. They left me some money in the bank that was made available to me after I turned 21.”
She knew immediately that the two brunettes listening to her wanted to know what happened to the money, but their attention was pulled to the mechanic on the other side of the car. “Yo! Why is the material of this door different than the rest of the car?”
Clarke looked at Raven, hyper aware of the attention of the other two brunettes on her as well. She cleared her throat and spoke, “There was a situation a few years ago, and I was hit in the side of my car. The front of it took the brunt of the hit and was in rather poor condition. I had to get much of it replaced and repaired, but I couldn’t find any similar materials.” She turned to the two ladies next to her and said, “The money from the fund was used to fix the car, finish off Anya’s medical bills, and my initial payments for medical school.”
“C’mon, kid, the car had to be more than just ‘in rather poor condition’ to have to have that much of it replaced.” Raven challenged Clarke this time. She didn’t want her to back down from the explanation.
The blonde steeled the older brunette with her gaze. “The front passenger side of the car was completely crushed. The car was in the shop for over a month. There was a high probability that it wouldn’t have been able to be salvaged.”
All three brunettes were taken aback by her clipped explanation. They hadn’t expected one at all, but the straightforwardness here was like a bucket of cold water. It didn’t go over any of their heads that if the car was in that bad condition, Clarke must’ve been extremely injured as well.
Raven looked from Clarke to the car a few times before something clicked in her head. She walked back over to the blonde on the other side of the car and waited until blue eyes met her own. She spoke in a soft voice, “Is this the car accident you were talking about when you told us about your TBI?”
Clarke was taken aback by the fact that Raven actually remembered that particular detail. She had mentioned it in passing and tried her hardest not to make it seem like a big deal. Brown eyes had locked her own blue eyes in place, though, and she couldn’t look away. Clarke nodded softly, aware of the gazes of the other two brunettes on her as well.
A soft smile spread across Raven’s lips, conveying the undeniable truth of her next statement, and she raised her hand to rest it on Clarke’s shoulder. “I’m glad you’re okay, Clarke.”
They split ways from the parking lot since Clarke informed them that she had to be at the hospital at 6 the following morning. Lexa, Raven, and Octavia all got into their designated seats in the law intern’s Audi and headed off towards their apartment.
They didn’t need to participate in Clarke’s psych rotations to know that Lexa was stressed out. Her knuckles were tight around the steering wheel and her eyes were not 100% focused on the road ahead of them. Octavia and Raven had so many questions that they wanted to ask their roommate, but the didn’t know where Lexa’s boundaries were.
The three best friends made it back to their apartment in relative silence. They assured each other that they had genuinely enjoyed the evening as they were walking thorough the door. Raven and Octavia were excited to be able to plan another night out with their newest friend and they were all eager to help her get comfortable around them again.
They went to their respective rooms and got into comfortable clothes. They all opened their doors at the same time and laughed. Raven cracked some joke about their souls being connected and Lexa just scoffed at the two younger brunettes pretending to fall in love. Laughing, they made their way to the sofa, though Octavia made a detour to the kitchen to get them all drinks.
Raven and Octavia both got slightly worried when their best friend asked for a beer instead of a soda, but Octavia obliged and watched as she downed half the bottle in one go. The two younger brunettes sat and allowed their friend to sit in silence for some time while watching Modern Family, knowing that was her main comfort show. After two episodes, though, they both decided that it was time to start talking.
Neither girl wanted the conversation to be serious. They knew that the law intern had trouble sifting through her own emotions as they came and they had learned early on in their friendship to ask their own questions and have her answer them instead of just telling her to talk about whatever was on her mind. Octavia went to go get them all another drink, which sparked Raven’s first question.
“Hey so what was Clarke’s deal with alcohol? Like, I understood some of what she said and I feel like I got the overall gist or whatever, but it seemed too rehearsed and official to be legit.”
Octavia interjected, "Also goddamn she used a lot of big words. I mean, I recognized some of 'em from BioPsych, but shit even my professor doesn't talk like that."
Lexa sighed but didn't look up at either of the girls next to her. "What she said is the medical reason for why she stays away from alcohol. She's one of the rare doctors that actually implements the medical knowledge into her real life. It could be sufficiently annoying." She let out a small chuckle, but the law intern's flatmates could hear the pain in her breath. Lexa turned to look at the two girls next to her, seeing them studying her face expectantly. These two girls sitting on the sofa with her, her two best friends, genuinely wanted to know about Clarke. they cared about the younger girl and they wanted to get to know her and were concerned with who she was and how to keep her comfortable for no reason other than she was special to Lexa. her lives of "before" and "after" were meeting and everything was starting to mesh together.
She could feel herself start to choke up and decided to get back to her answer, "The main answer, that she probably doesn't like advertising, is that she's been through a lot. You know the kinds of houses she was in in the system, and I'm sure you've managed to figure out some of the things that have happened to her. A lot of the guys she encountered used and abused alcohol, and then used its influence as an excuse to use and abuse her. She would have to perform certain...favors... to get food sometimes, which ended up being a lot. As she got older and further in school, she had less time to deal with them and she ended up spending days without food." Lexa looked out again, remembering the situations she was actually there for. "I don't think these are the kinds of things anyone could ever just get over. She ended up with such an extreme sense of paranoia, it was terrifying sometimes. We shared a Rockstar one time - she said that she wanted something to be able to stay up and study - and she vowed never to touch anything with that much caffeine again. I don't want to give away too many details, but she had the most intense panic attack I've ever seen. When she said that she likes to remain aware of her surroundings, she absolutely was not kidding or exaggerating. Her survival for so many years has literally hinged on her ability to protect herself from any unexpected occurrences."
Green eyes turned back to the two brunettes at their side and took in the look of disbelief on their faces. Lexa sighed, knowing that this kind of story was painful for anyone that heard it. She looked at her best friends, using them as a tether to her reality. She needed them to ground her so that her mind stayed away from even scarier places. She took a deep breath and let it out, "That was her reasoning half a decade ago. Who the fuck even knows what's happened to her since then."
Octavia and Raven watched their flatmate as she trailed off and raised her bottle back to her lips. She took a long drink from the bottle before pulling it away from her face and glaring at it as if the bottle had betrayed her. Her grip got so tight it looked as though her knuckles would rip through her skin, but she relaxed it and just leant forward to place the bottle on the coffee table, resting her head in her hands. Neither of them knew what to do to help their friend, but Raven scooted closer slightly and rested her hand on Lexa’s back.
Lexa looked up, meeting brown eyes filled with concern. Her own eyes were brimming with tears that she didn’t want to let fall. She looked over into blue eyes that reminded her so much of the eyes that haunted her dreams and wasn’t able to stop the first tear from falling. Her face never changed, the expression remained pained, and the tears just started a steady path down her cheeks, trailing down her neck and meeting in the crevice between her clavicles.
Raven hated seeing her best friend in so much pain. She hated the look of despair written across her face and the helplessness in her eyes. She moved closer to the law intern and wrapped her arm around her shoulders, bringing her in to rest her head against her shoulder. Lexa finally let out a slight whimper and pressed further into her best friend’s shoulder. She felt a dip on the other side of the sofa and felt another hand start rubbing up and down her back.
Octavia sat on the other side of Lexa, sandwiching the girl between herself and Raven. Blue eyes met brown and they couldn’t help but feel like they were finally paying back part of what they owed this girl who had saved them in the most innocent of ways. The law intern had done so much for them over the years, from giving them a family to giving them a home and a place to feel like they were safe and belonged; a place where they were equal. She had spent countless nights up helping both of them through whatever demons they had lurking in their closets, both alone and together, and nursed them back to health after their eventual hangovers. They were finally able to repay some of that and they wanted to do everything they possibly could to help her feel better.
They could tell that the older brunette was drowning in her guilt for what happened to her ex-girlfriend, and they also seemed to understand that she might have taken them in as a way to atone to herself - whether she was aware of it or not. Neither of them could disagree with the fact that Lexa completely and totally fucked up with Clarke, from the cheating to not fighting to get her to stay, but that didn't mean that they were just going to let her suffer through this by herself.
“Love, it’ll all be okay. She’s not alone anymore and we’ll be there for her if she needs anything.” Octavia tried saying something to comfort the older brunette, but the words were weak considering they all knew the absent blonde might never come to them for help. “We can teach her about family again, the same way you taught us.”
Lexa raised her head to look over her shoulder at Octavia’s face. She studied blue eyes, seeing the genuine concern there and felt more tears break out of her eyes. She turned to Raven and saw the concern still there in brown depths and everything came rushing out, “She was there. She was in a good place five years ago and I – oh god, I fucked it all up. She was safe and she was healthy and she was alive and I fucked it all up and now everything has gone to shit.”
The two younger brunettes started getting concerned when they noticed Lexa start hyperventilating. The law intern hadn’t had a panic attack in a long time and they both felt the pain of this one, knowing that it meant they were all headed for painful times.
Octavia reached for Lexa’s chin, turning her head so she could look into green eyes. They were panicked when she finally saw them, tears now pouring out in streams. The older brunette was gasping for breaths and her face was turning red. Octavia carefully framed the angular face, making sure green eyes stayed locked on her own. She started a steady breathing pattern silently, knowing words weren’t going to help the law intern. Lexa had always been a very silent and subconscious person. Raven and Octavia had quickly come to learn that Lexa was more comforted by a solid presence than she was by the things they said.
Their breathing eventually synced up and Octavia could feel her friend relax some of the tension that had built up in her body. Her body slumped back into Raven’s side, the mechanic’s arm tightening its hold on her to keep her steady while green eyes remained locked on blue like a lifeline. Raven and Octavia fought to keep their own eyes clear of tears. They knew that they had to stay strong to be able to help Lexa.
"Lexa you can't carry this guilt around with you all the time. You don't have to demonize yourself for what has happened to Clarke. You made a mistake, babe, and it had catastrophic consequences. But mistakes happen and, when they do, we have to come up with a way to deal with the results. There's a lot that has to be said and a lot that has to be done to start fixing it, but burying yourself in guilt is not going to help anyone."
Lexa felt herself start trembling again at Octavia's words. She knew they were true, but she couldn't bring herself to completely believe it. Her thoughts liked to creep up on her and kick her while she was down. She knew that a lot of Clarke's situation had to do with the houses she was raised in, and she really didn't have any control over that. Everything that had happened in the last five years, though, was all on her. If she had supported Clarke the right way after running into Cage things wouldn't have gone downhill the way they did. If she hadn't gone to Costia's apartment that night, she probably never would have cheated on her girlfriend. If she had gotten up from that sofa when Clarke was leaving, she might have been able to talk her out of leaving. Everything that she did during those months was wrong. Lexa's actions, or lack thereof, had led the woman she loved to believe she was disgusting and despicable and not worth anything. Lexa had caused her girlfriend to leave and to end up where she was now. She was back with that shitfuck Jaha because she was desperate for survival. The law intern had every reason to hate herself and she did it full force at times like this.
At the same time, though, she could believe that it wasn't all her fault. They had both completely shut down after that one night. Clarke had been conditioned to keep everything close to herself, to not express anything and handle it all in her own head. Looking back on it now, Lexa should've told the blonde to talk to a professional or, at lease, someone who knew how to help. At the time, though, she had thought that she was protecting her girlfriend. Clarke hated talking about things and she couldn't always handle being faced with her own emotions. The law student had just wanted her girlfriend to feel comfortable and safe in their home. If anyone deserved a break from the shit of life, it was Clarke. Clarke had been the one to walk out. Jaha and Cage and everyone else had hammered it into her head that she was worthless and Lexa had worked night and day to convince her other. When she let Clarke leave their apartment that night, though, Lexa had reaffirmed what Clarke's foster fathers had taught her. The nagging voice in the back of the law intern's head, remnants of her heart that had broken, told her that it was all her fault.
The law intern eventually tired herself out and fell asleep curled up with her head in Raven’s lap. The two younger brunettes knew that they wouldn’t be able to move for some time and, truth be told, neither of them really wanted to move. They weren’t uncomfortable on the sofa and they actually enjoyed being all curled up together.
Octavia settled herself further into the couch, mindful of Lexa’s legs across her lap. She turned her head to look at Raven. Their eyes met and they were both immediately comforted to know that they were thinking the same thing. They had had no idea that Lexa was carrying this kind of pain around in her heart all these years, and it pained them to know that she had kept this hidden. This was their chance, though. They would be able to help her now in the same way that she had helped them. She had chased away their demons, sacrificing nights of sleep to hold one or both of them as they broke down and now it was their turn to pay it back.
Octavia was the first one to feel a tear trail its way down her cheek. The weight of her best friend’s pain was weighing on her now and she hurt in her own heart. Raven quickly followed her, both crying silently for their sleeping friend. Looking at each other, though, they knew that everything would be okay. They would help Lexa through whatever she went through and they would be there for each other.
They woke up the following morning, all tangled up in each other. Octavia was the first one to wake up, feeling a foot jab into her gut. Lexa was still laying across her lap, but Raven had joined her on the opposite side of the sofa. Octavia had somehow ended up with her legs on the coffee table and her head resting against the back of the sofa. She sat up slightly and groaned at the pops that sounded through the living room. Focusing back on the two brunettes laying on the other side of the sofa, she felt a small smile cross her face. They looked so peaceful and content, ignoring everything going on in the world around them. Lexa still had tear tracks on her cheeks, but she seemed comfortable in sleep. The blue-eyed brunette worried about what Lexa would feel like when she woke up.
Raven woke up next, to a tickling sensation against her throat. She opened her eyes to see a head of messy brown hair in her face. Lexa was wrapped around her with her head burrowed into the mechanic’s shoulder. Raven felt her heart swell, more than happy to be able to comfort the law intern in even the smallest of ways. She looked over and saw blue eyes staring back at her, a playful smirk across her lips.
Raven and Octavia managed to get out from under the sleeping beauty and went into the kitchen to prepare breakfast. They ate and waited for Lexa to wake up, but the previous night seemed to have taken a lot out of the law intern and she slept until almost one in the afternoon. Raven and Octavia finished their work early in the day and spent the rest of the time before Lexa woke up planning out different ways to help their best friend, and how they could help the girl who was quickly becoming a best friend.
The trio spent that weekend trying to find their footing again as Lexa dealt with the guilt that plagued her every thought. Her two flatmates were saviors to her in that time, knowing she could have gone to many dangerous things in order to comfort herself. They eventually got back into safe waters and into the grooves of their lives.
They talked to Clarke from time to time over the next few weeks. Lexa had started texting her as well, hoping that they could repair and rebuild at least some semblance of a friendship. Their schedules were all so busy that they weren’t able to properly hold a conversation with her for too long. The medical intern checked in with them from time to time and they texted her to make sure she was alive and well, but that was the extent of their conversations for quite a while. The three flatmates wanted nothing more than to be able to hang out with Clarke more, but her schedule at the hospital hadn't really calmed down much. They would make plans and then have to cancel at the last minute.
Jasper and Monty asked about her a few times, whenever they came over to the girls' apartment. It warmed everyone's hearts to see them actually caring about her. Lincoln, of course, would ask about how she was doing, but he was also able to text her on his own. Indra was a whole other story and they were all slightly terrified of bringing any of it up with her.
They were starting to feel like the blonde medical intern was a part of their family, in whatever unconventional idea they could muster up, and the crew eagerly waited for the time where Clarke would feel the same way.