History (Part 2)
Lexa woke with a jerk, gasping for breath and frantically trying to get a grasp of her surroundings. It seemed that she had passed out on the floor, tears still streaming down her face. Before she could really understand where she was, though, she heard a small voice.
“Hey. It’s okay. You’re okay. You’re at home and I’m right here. You’re going to be okay.” Lexa just looked at the girl in front of her in complete and utter shock. She had no idea when the younger girl had gotten home or how long she was gone or even how long she, herself, had been asleep. Lexa just knew that she had been afraid that she would never see Clarke again and, after that nightmare, all of the possibilities of what could have happened to her girlfriend before dawn plagued her mind.
Before she could think to stop herself, Lexa threw her arms around the younger girl’s neck, sobbing and gasping for air. Thanking God and anyone else she could think of that she was okay. For the first time, Clarke didn’t actively try to comfort her. She let the older girl take whatever comfort she needed, but she didn’t put any sort of effort in herself, and Lexa couldn’t blame her.
After a minute, Lexa untangled herself from the younger girl and looked sheepishly at her face. Clarke seemed to be trying her best to avoid any and all eye contact and Lexa couldn’t help but feel her heart break even more. A smell caught her attention and she realized that the other girl had made breakfast and, from the smell of it, it was her favourite breakfast too. All of a sudden, the weight of what happened last night came crashing at her and she had to run to the washroom as quick as possible before she emptied her stomache in the living room.
Clarke sighed as she saw her girlfriend run into the bathroom and heard her start retching. Her whole body felt like it was being pulled in that direction to help her, but at the same time she was stuck where she was. She still couldn’t completely comprehend what happened last night, but remembering the older girl in her arms sobbing only minutes before, something she never did, Clarke couldn’t stop herself from going after her girlfriend into the bathroom and trying to comfort her.
The medical student softly ran her hands through her girlfriend’s hair, before gathering it all behind her head and trying to calm her a little bit.
Lexa felt the hands holding her hair back and running gentle circles on her back. She heard the other girl whispering soft words to her, trying to calm her down, and she started crying again. At this point, she wasn’t even throwing up anymore, she was just grossly sobbing. She couldn’t believe what she had said and done that morning and she couldn’t help but hurt at the fact that her girlfriend was still willing to comfort her.
After she brushed her teeth and washed her face a little bit, they made their way back into the living room and kitchen area. Lexa saw the chocolate chip pancakes sitting on the table waiting for her with a smoothie right next to them and she could stop the whimper that fell out of her mouth. She felt herself be led to her seat and had her chair tucked in before a hand ran over her hair and a gentle kiss was placed on her forehead.
She expected the younger girl to sit in front of her and eat with her but when she turned to look at her she saw her leaning against the counter with a cup of apple juice in her hand. It was the apple juice that really hurt her. Lexa knew that the medical student had strong aversions to alcohol and she used apple juice as a way to calm herself down and considered it her own “liquid courage”. The fact that she needed it now was all Lexa’s fault and it just hurt so much.
Lexa took a single bite of the pancake in front of her and tears sprung to her eyes again. She was going to let this slip right through her fingers – and for what? Because things were tough? Bullshit. She would fight for this as long as Clarke would let her.
They stayed together in the kitchen in silence until Lexa finished the pancakes. They were both women of very few words and that was proving to be a problem now. They both had many things that they wanted to say but they couldn’t come up with how to say them. Lexa finished her breakfast and Clarke walked over and took her dishes to the sink. She set them down on the counter but didn’t start washing them immediately, which was Lexa’s first indication that something was about to happen. The second was the way the beautiful blonde gripped the edge of the counter and hung her head down, taking deep, shuddering breaths. Lexa felt a pang in her chest and she knew that she was hurting for the pain that she caused the girl in front of her.
The first words out of Clarke’s mouth felt like someone threw a dagger right into Lexa’s heart: “I’m sorry.” What the blonde was apologizing for, she had no idea. Between the two of them, Lexa should have been the one doing the groveling.
Clarke turned to look at the girl on the table when she didn’t get a response. She could see emotions running over her face and couldn’t handle the thought that Lexa might say something final and just let whatever came fall from her mouth. “I’m so sorry,” she said. “I didn’t mean to accuse you of anything last night. I know that was unfounded and it was wrong and disrespectful to you. I know you’re not that kind of person.” She slowly turned so her whole body was facing her girlfriend, “And I’m sorry for what I did. I know that I hurt you and that is absolutely unacceptable and I honestly wouldn’t blame you if you did want to leave. It was wrong and I can’t forgive myself for hurting you like that.” Unable to stop herself, she knelt in front of the girl in the chair again and grabbed her two hands, pressing a gentle kiss to her knuckles, silently pleading with her to say something.
Lexa couldn’t breathe. She had no idea what to say and she couldn’t handle the love she could feel pouring out of the girl in front of her. Slowly she pulled her hands out of her grasp and got up, walking to the living room and started pacing. She had so many thoughts running through her head and she was terrified of what they all meant.
Clarke slowly walked into the other room, worried that she couldn’t tell what was going on with her girlfriend. She had talked to Costia that morning after leaving and she knew exactly what happened. She knew that Lexa and Costia had gotten into some very heated territory, and that Lexa ran away in the middle of it without a word to the other girl. She even understood that Lexa used aggressive defensiveness as a self-preservation tactic. Clarke would be willing to work through all of that and try and move past it with the green-eyed brunette by her side. What she couldn’t seem to move past, though, were the comments that the older brunette had made that morning. She could forgive all of the rest of it if the girl would only talk to her, but those words opened a large scab on her psyche that she would have trouble closing again.
The medical student watched her girlfriend walk back and forth as if she was trying to erode a hole into their living room floor. She didn’t know what to do to help her or what to say to help either of them. She stood there for a few minutes, just watching the turmoil on the green-eyed girl’s face and trying to ignore the nagging pain in her chest. Their interaction from that morning kept playing in the back of her mind and Clarke tried everything she could to stop those words from playing on repeat, but failed. Everything was swirling around in her head and watching the woman she loved with all of her heart pacing back and forth was making her get more and more dizzy. Eventually she couldn’t remain standing anymore and her knees buckled underneath her.
Clarke fell to her knees next to the sofa and landed with a groan, feeling pain erupt through her legs. She’d never been great at running (physically) and had fallen down the stairs at Costia’s apartment that morning. Her head dropped to her chest with the weight of everything that was going on and she pulled her hands up to her face, scratching furiously to not allow the tears to build up in her eyes. She fucking hated crying.
Lexa heard the thud and the groan and turned to see her girlfriend on the floor in a ball and, before she could even think, she was kneeling next to the blonde with an arm around her shoulder. She gasped when the girl looked up at her – the deep, blue eyes were swimming in unshed tears and she could tell how hard the younger girl was fighting not to let them fall. She gently helped her up, seeing the effort it took and realizing that the groan was from genuine pain, and led her to sit on the sofa. She stayed knelt in front of the girl and rested both of her hands on the other girl’s knees.
She sat like that for a minute. Looking up into the girl’s eyes she could see all of the turmoil swirling there. Lexa couldn’t help but feel a bit of pride in the girl’s strength because she still wouldn’t let the tears fall. Eventually an odd feeling crept into her hands and she looked down to see a slight blood stain spreading across the girl’s left knee. She gasped and looked up at her girlfriend’s face only to see her avoiding her eyes. “Clarke, what the hell happened?!”
The younger girl couldn’t help but flinch at the raised voice, flashing back to the years of abuse she endured before she met the girl in front of her. Everything that had happened the last many months had pushed Clarke back into a haunted headspace. Running into Cage, the guilt of almost hitting Lexa, the pain and confusion of Lexa’s relations with Costia, and the words that her girlfriend had thrown at her that morning were sending her into overdrive and she couldn’t handle it. Clarke flinched when Lexa raised her hand to caress her face and clenched her eyes shut, picturing a fist flying down at her.
Lexa felt her heart continue to break at the turmoil on her girlfriend’s face, knowing exactly where her fear was coming from. The fact that she made her girlfriend afraid for her own safety was something that her heart couldn’t handle and a single tear streaked down her face. The brunette wiped it away angrily, hating how much she was crying that day. She repeated her question again in a gentler tone, hoping it would help the scared girl calm down some.
Clarke scrunched her face up, hating how weak she felt. She shouldn’t have been afraid of her girlfriend; she knew the older girl would never hurt her. But, then again, she never thought she would use her past as a weapon against her. Gathering up her courage and looking into her girlfriend’s eyes, she prepared herself for the onslaught of emotions she knew she would see there. “I fell down a flight of stairs this morning.”
“Oh, baby, what happened? Why didn’t you take care of it immediately?”
Before the other girl could get any further into her concern, Clarke cut her off. “I fell down the stairs at Costia’s apartment complex.” The words were barely a whisper, but she knew by the way the hands stroking her cheeks froze and by the sudden gasp of air that the law student heard what she said.
Lexa panicked. She wasn’t prepared for that and she didn’t know what to do now. She froze and freaked out. She looked up at her girlfriend’s face with wide eyes and fear clearly written across her features.
Clarke sighed slightly before offering her girlfriend a sad smile. She raised her hands slowly and framed the green-eyed girl’s face gently, seeing the despair and pain written plainly in her eyes. Clarke gently rubbed her thumbs across Lexa's cheeks, relishing their softness and wishing they could just stay in that moment forever - looking into each others' eyes, sincerity bubbling between them. They had to be adults, though, and deal with what had happened. Steeling herself, Clarke started talking, “She told me what happened. She told me that you came to her all those weeks ago, afraid that you’d lost me. She told me that you’ve been spending most of your time with her and ignoring any advance that she made on you. She told me that you were so excited to finally be done with your exam last night that you both decided to go out for drinks with your friends.” Clarke took a shuddering breath before wiping at the tears running steadily down her girlfriend’s face, offering her another small smile before continuing, “She told me how you both got smashed and somehow ended up kissing. She told me about how she pushed you and pushed you, knowing that you were too inebriated to resist any physical advances she made. I may or may not have punched her in the face when she admitted to taking advantage of you being drunk.
“She told me how you freaked out in the middle and ran all the way home in the wee hours of the morning, freaking out about what had happened.” She leant down and placed a gentle kiss on the brunette curls before resting her forehead against the older girl’s. “She told me that she would stay away from you and wouldn’t try to come between us anymore.”
Lexa pulled back a little bit to look into the blue eyes in front of her full of nothing but love for her and would never have been able to brace herself for the next words that fell out of her mouth, “I told her that I would talk to you and let you decide what you want to do.”
Lexa felt her world start spinning. Her girlfriend genuinely thought that she would leave her for someone – anyone – else. She knew that she hadn’t been able to hide her attraction to the other girl but she never thought that she would ever act on it. She had explained it to Costia many times before as well and the fact that she took advantage of her own inebriated state disturbed her. Lexa had thought that Costia was a good person but now she was afraid that she didn’t actually know the other girl at all.
Clarke was slowly getting more and more concerned with the silence from the girl in front of her a started rambling. “Lex, I know that I’m not the easiest person to live with. I know it’s been nothing but problems from the beginning and I know that it’s getting harder and harder to put up with me as we’re getting more and more busy. I wouldn’t blame you if you wanted to go for someone normal.” She took another deep breath before continuing, not feeling very reassured by the other girl’s continued silence, “If you want to have drinks after a test, you deserve a friend who will do that with you. You could have someone your own age, someone in your own field of study, someone who’s actually as smart and beautiful as you. You don’t deserve to be with someone who’s going to hold you back with all of her problems and baggage.” She made the girl look her in the eyes again, “Lexa you deserve the world and everything beautiful it has to offer, and you deserve someone who can give you all of that.”
Lexa couldn’t breathe. She felt like everything was crashing down around her and she couldn’t process any of it. She looked into the blue eyes boring into her own dumbly and couldn’t formulate an even remotely cohesive response. She could see the girl on the sofa getting more and more flustered as her silence grew but she couldn’t do anything about it.
Before either of them knew what was happening, Lexa had flung herself up and into the younger girl’s arms, pressing her lips frantically against hers. Clarke tried to pull back at first but she couldn’t put up much of a fight at all. She had been craving this kind of connection with her girlfriend for weeks and she was finally getting it.
They kissed frantically and eventually Lexa lay on the sofa undressed with Clarke worshipping the entire expanse of her body. Trailing kisses up both of her legs, blowing a raspberry on her belly, earning a giggle from the green-eyed girl and fingers running through her hair, kissing from her fingers up both of her arms to her neck, hitting all of the right places. Lexa basked in the love being showered down on her and she felt like the love was going to send her heart bursting straight through her chest. Eventually she fell asleep wrapped up in her girlfriend’s arms, a blanket covering her exposed body. Just before she finally lost the battle with consciousness she realized that Clarke was still fully dressed and untouched. She resolved to return the favors later and snuggled her head deeper into her girlfriend’s chest, wrapping her arms tighter around her midsection, and drifting off into the most peaceful sleep she’d had in almost four months.
She woke when it was getting dark again outside and realized she was alone on the sofa. There was a shirt, undergarments, and sweats laid out across the back of the sofa and she dressed languidly, hoping that this meant things would start looking better for the two of them.
She got up to walk through the apartment to their room. Walking in, did a double take. It was all wrong. The room hadn’t been stripped completely, but there were things missing. Worse yet, there were Clarke’s things missing. She ran to the closet, throwing open the door. She was unable to stop the wail that fell from her lips when she realized that most of her girlfriend’s things had been removed from the closet. She noticed the medical student’s favourite sweatshirt in a heap on the floor and frantically grabbed for it, needing some connection to the girl she loved. She curled up on the floor and sobbed.
She had no idea how long she had been laying on the floor, crying out her despair, before a pair of arms were wrapped around her, gently cradling her head and peppering kisses across her face and head. The law student felt herself be pulled up and into someone’s lap. She pushed against it – there was only one person whose arms she wanted to be wrapped up in – until she heard a gentle voice attempting to calm her down.
The law student’s head flew up, accidentally clipping the younger girl on the chin and jerking her head back. Before she could stop herself she scrambled up and threw her arms around the younger girl’s neck.
Clarke felt her girlfriend’s head hit her on the chin and, before she had a chance to do anything, she felt herself be tackled to the floor with the other girl’s arms wrapped around her neck in a vice grip. She wouldn’t have been able to get her off of herself even if she had wanted to.
They sat like that for an undetermined amount of time. Neither of them paid attention to a clock and they didn’t exchange any words. They stayed wrapped in each other’s arms, clinging desperately to each other, trying to absorb as much love from the other as they could.
Clarke eventually noticed that her girlfriend’s stomache was rumbling and remembered the food that she brought home. She slowly moved to pull herself up off the floor, only to have the girl in her arms whimper and scramble to hold onto her more desperately. Sighing softly, she braced herself and stood up with her girlfriend still in her arms. Cradling the girl close to her chest, Clarke placed one hand under Lexa's butt and the other supporting one knee wrapped around her waist. Lexa kept her face pressed as close as possible into the blonde's neck, inhaling her scent and finding comfort in the closeness.
Walking into the living room she gently leant down to place the girl in her arms on the sofa. Lexa whimpered again and tried to keep a hold of her. Gently, Clarke reached her hands up to unwrap her arms from around her neck. Before Lexa could start crying again, she pressed her lips to the older girl’s forehead calming her down and explaining to her that she was only going to get their food.
Feeling that her girlfriend was walking back towards her, Lexa uncurled herself from the sofa and sat up. She ran her hands down her face, knowing that she had to look miserable at that moment but unable to help herself. She could still remember the fear gripping her heart when she noticed the younger girl’s stuff was all gone when she woke up.
The anxiety built up in her chest again and she couldn’t breathe. She looked around frantically, desperate to know that she hadn’t just imagined the girl back. She looked up as soon as the medical student put the plate of macaroni-and-cheese in front of her and reached down immediately to allow her to curl back up into her side. Lexa sighed contentedly, feeling the love wash over her. She reached up quickly and placed a soft kiss on the underside of her girlfriend’s chin before reaching forward to grab the plate of her favourite comfort food sitting on the table and snuggling back into the cocoon of warmth at her side.
She hummed contentedly at the warm taste that exploded in her mouth. She ignored the fact that the younger girl wasn’t eating anything and found comfort in the light kisses she was pressing into her hair and the hand that was running whispers lightly up and down her right arm.
They stayed snuggled together like that long after Lexa had finished her food. Both of them were aware that neither of them had done anything productive all day, but they both believed that this situation warranted immediate attention.
Lexa eventually couldn’t control her bladder anymore and had to get up to go to the bathroom. She pressed a quick kiss on her girlfriend’s lips before running into their restroom with a calm smile on her face. She heard Clarke get up from the sofa just before she closed the door.
Walking out of the bathroom Lexa heard the water running in the kitchen and walked right in, wrapping her arms around the other girl’s waist from behind and resting her head between her shoulder blades. She felt trembles running through Clarke’s body and tried to comfort her by running her hands in circles over her toned stomache and pressing kisses across her shoulders and along the back of her neck.
When Clarke was finally done with the dishes, she turned around in her arms and Lexa immediately placed a kiss on her lips. Clarke hummed into the kiss and pressed herself closer to the green-eyed girl. They kissed for a few minutes, Lexa pressing Clarke into the counter and pulling their bodies flush against each other. Eventually, Clarke pulled back and looked into the expressive green eyes in front of her. She couldn’t help the small smile that made its way across her face – as much as Lexa was closed off, stoic, and mysterious to other people, Clarke could read her eyes as though they spoke only to her.
The blonde placed one more gentle kiss on the law student’s lips before grabbing her hands and pulling her back into the living room. Lexa inhaled sharply when she noticed the duffel bag sitting against the wall and a look of abject fear crossed her face in realization. Her head whipped around to look at the younger girl’s face but Clarke blatantly avoiding eye contact. Lexa felt Clarke lead her to the sofa and sit her down, and she still couldn’t tear her eyes from the other girl’s face.
Clarke sat down silently next to her girlfriend, wringing her hands together in her lap. What happened on the couch earlier felt like a goodbye and the medical student couldn’t deny it no matter how much she wanted to. She felt more than heard her partner’s breathing getting more erratic and didn't stop herself from turning to try and calm her down. She should have expected the tears in her eyes, but they still threw her for a loop.
Lexa saw Clarke struggling with whatever was going through her head and knew immediately that this might be it for them. Try as she might to keep her breathing under control, she just couldn’t. Her breathing got erratic and her heart starting beating like crazy and she was started to see black spots in her field of vision. Lexa felt the girl next to her turn and gently place a hand on her shoulder and the other on her chest. She heard Clarke asking her to calm down and to follow her breathing. Eventually the other girl grabbed her hand and gently placed it over her own chest. Lexa felt the heart under her hand flutter a little bit before going steady again. The steadiness of the girl next to her calmed her down almost immediately.
Once both of them were calmed down, Clarke slowly pulled herself away from the other girl. She looked away again, unable to handle the longing gaze the green-eyed girl was throwing her way. She didn’t want to do what she was about to do, but she didn’t know what else there was for her to do. Everything had been broken for so long and it was just going downhill. She had no idea how they were supposed to try and move past this, and she couldn't convince herself that she deserved to work on it. As much as she wanted to she just couldn’t stop playing her girlfriend’s words again and again, reliving each one of her worst nightmares. She knew that she was broken because of her past, she knew that no one else deserved to have to deal with her shit, and she knew that she shouldn’t have made Lexa have to deal with it. No one deserved that no matter what. Lexa deserved so much better.
She told her as much, too. Taking a deep breath she said, “Lex. Lexa, you know I love you. You know that I would do anything and everything in my power to keep you safe and happy.” She finally turned to be look at her girlfriend’s face and wished she hadn’t. The pain written across her features was crippling. She pushed on. “The past few months have been so hard on us. We both put our schoolwork over each other and we stopped working on us at all. We should have kept communicating and we should have been there for each other.”
Clarke put her head down again and swallowed the lump that was building in her throat. “I should never have put my hands on you the way I did, and I can never apologize enough for that.” Putting her hand up, she stopped whatever argument Lexa was going to make. She continued, “More than that, though, I shouldn’t have pulled away from you the way I did. I know I let my issues into our relationship and they shouldn’t have been thrust on you like that. You didn’t deserve any of it, and I’m just so sorry.”
Lexa’s head shot back over to look at her girlfriend at the sob that fell through her lips. She could count on one hand the number of times she had seen the younger girl cry in front of her in the four years they had known each other. Her heart hurt at the pain written across the face of the woman she loved, and she watched the emotions run across her face as she kept talking, “I know what happened last night was because I pulled away, and I can’t tell you how sorry I am for that as well. I pushed you into Costia’s arms and then accused you as if it was your fault. It was wrong of me. I know you need friends who will do things with you and you need someone on your own level. You don’t need to be weighed down by my shit and I know that, and I’m sorry that I tried to push that on you. You deserve – “
Lexa cut her off right there, placing her hand over the other girl’s mouth. “Shut up. Please, just don’t.” She pulled her hand away but kept eye contact with the bright blue eyes in front of her. “Please don’t try telling me that you know what’s best for me better than I do. I know what I want and I know what I deserve and that’s you.”
Clarke shook her head and looked at her girlfriend with a forlorn look, “Tell me you don’t wish we could do more things together.” At Lexa’s silence she continued, “You don’t drink because of me. You don’t go into crowded bars or clubs because of me. You don’t stay out late at night because of me. You don’t do half the things that you want to do because of me. I can’t keep being the thing that stops you from doing what you want anymore.” Lexa was about to argue and Clarke knew exactly what she was going to say, “I know you’ll argue ‘til your last breath that that’s not true, but we both know it is. Babe, if it wasn’t true we wouldn’t be having the problems we’ve had this year. You would’ve been here on Monday. You wouldn’t have ended up with Costia last night.” She held her hands up, “I’m absolutely not accusing you of anything. I don’t blame you at all and I can't really hold that against you, but you and I both know it’s true. You wouldn’t have gotten with Costia last night and you wouldn’t have said what you did this morning.” The last part was a whisper but they both heard it loud and clear.
The sob that fell through Clarke’s mouth was enough to break Lexa. She hadn’t seen this girl cry more than once a year and here she was, sobbing twice within five minutes because of her. If Lexa thought her heart couldn’t break anymore than it already had, she was wrong.
Even worse? She loved Clarke more than anything, but she couldn’t deny that some of these things were true.
She knew without a doubt, though, that she didn’t want to lose the girl sitting next to her. They had been together for almost four years now and she wanted to be able to stay with her forever. She knew, though, that Clarke wasn’t trying to suggest this without thinking about it. After everything they had been through the last few months she believed that Clarke really thought she was doing the right thing. She searched her (ex?)girlfriend’s face and saw nothing but pain and heartbreak. She reached over slowly and rested her hand on top of the pair currently trying to pick themselves apart. She smiled fondly, remembering how hard she’d worked to try and get her past that bad habit. Almost immediately, though, the smile fell off her face, realizing that she probably wouldn’t be able to help the other girl past this, or anything else, if she got bad again.
“Clarke, please. You have to know I love you more than anyone.” Clarke looked over at her hesitantly and she kept going, “I don’t want anyone else. Whatever happened with Costia was a mistake. Babe I would never want to hurt you like that and I don’t want anyone else. You’re the only one that I want or need. I don't need alcohol, or friends, or parties, or loud and crowded bars - I need you.” Scooting slightly closer she turned the other girl’s head to meet her eyes again, “And don’t you dare say that I deserve better than you. I would never be able to do better than you even if I tried.”
Clarke let out a choked gasp of a laugh at the older girl’s ridiculous comment. Seeing her quirk her eyebrow in that way that meant business sobered her up immediately, though. She searched deep into the green eyes in front of her and could see the honesty. She knew how much Lexa wanted her to stay, but she could also see how much pain the older girl had been in for so long. Lexa had cut off all of her outside friends because of her and that had added strain on their relationship as time went on.
Knowing that she really didn’t have anything better to give the older girl she gently pulled her hands out from underneath the other girl’s and walked over to the duffel bag by the door. She knelt down and unzipped it, pulling something out before walking back to the sofa and retaking her seat.
Lexa started panicking when the younger girl got up and walked to the duffel bag, but calmed down when she walked back. The blonde took her seat again and toyed with whatever was in her hand. Lexa wanted to see but she was desperate not to push Clarke too far again.
She gasped, though, when Clarke opened her hand and she saw the long velvet box. The med student held it out to her and she slowly reached for it. Opening it she couldn’t stop the long exhale as she eyed the necklace laying along the box. The pendant in the middle was like the forehead piece of their favorite character, a young commander of 12 nations. They both looked up to her as a beacon of strength and hope that any young woman could be whatever she wanted to be.
She looked from the necklace back to her girlfriend a few times and finally noticed that she was toying with another thing in her hands now. When Clarke finally looked up, she noticed that the other girl was looking at her intently. Slowly she handed her the other box as well, this time taking care to explain what it was. “It wasn’t supposed to be an engagement ring. Neither of us is anywhere near the stage where we’re ready to be engaged. Although, I’m going to have to cancel my order for that now,” she said with a harsh chuckle. The sharp intake of breath from the girl in front of her caused her to shake her head softly. Clarke had told herself that she wouldn’t try to hurt Lexa, as hard as it seemed right then. “It was a gift for you, though, to symbolize our relationship. The ring was for you; it’s made of the same wood as Alicia’s throne on the show. Since I can’t wear jewelry on my hands I got the necklace made for me.” She looked back up at her the other girl’s face, “They’re both yours now.”
Lexa inhaled sharply. For one, Clarke had made herself a necklace to symbolize their relationship. If there was one thing Lexa was absolutely certain she knew about the younger girl, it was that she detested anything touching her neck (with a few choice exceptions in very specific situations). The fact that she was willing to wear a necklace for her made her heart throb all over again. What added to that pain, though, was that the fact that Clarke was giving her both of them meant that this was for sure over.
The law student looked up and searched the other girl’s face, trying to memorize everything about it. Slowly she opened the small box in her hand and gasped – it was beautiful. Looking at the ring, seeing everything it was supposed to mean whenever the more closed off girl got it made, knowing everything it meant that she was giving it to her now, the tears started streaming down her face again. Lexa knew now there was no doubt that this was the end of them together.
Turning back to the younger girl and seeing the emotions swirling through the depths of those blue eyes, she extended the box back to her, “Could you put it on me?”
Clarke heard the words like a knife to the chest. They were airy, breathy, and weak – everything the speaker wasn’t. She reached out slowly, maintaining eye contact, and gently pulled the ring out of the box. Taking the older girl’s right hand, she picked out her middle finger and slid the ring in place. She took a shuddering breath and raised the hand to her face, pressing a small kiss to the ring before allowing her tears to fall for the first time in years.
Lexa’s breath caught in her throat when she felt the younger girl press the lightest but heaviest of kisses to the ring now placed on her finger. She could do nothing to stop the sob that fell out of her mouth when she felt the first tear fall on her hand, though. Clarke hadn’t truly cried since she was officially taken out of her last foster home thee-and-a-half years previous. She spent her whole life trying to remain strong and never show any vulnerability and Lexa had broken her. She would never be able to forgive herself for that.
As much as Clarke wanted to pull away, she couldn’t. Once the first tear fell the rest came pouring out. She sat, crouched over, face pressed to her girlfriend’s hand, tears pouring down her face, and hated herself for allowing it to get this far. She had known her entire life that love was weakness and nothing good would ever come out of emotional attachments, but she had allowed her heart to speak over her head when it came to Lexa and the family that they were a part of.
Clarke felt a hand start running through her hair and a sob broke through whatever walls were remaining. She hadn’t been comforted like this in years, save for the nightmares that came whenever she was stressed. Never once had she thought that the girl next to her would be able to bring her to this point.
Allowing herself to stay like that for a few minutes, knowing it was the last time she would ever let someone this close to her again, Clarke let all of her love pour out in the tears. She needed the girl with the green eyes that she fell so madly in love with that she had become a part of her very being, but she couldn't keep holding her back. Clarke had immersed herself in Lexa and in turn the older girl had seeped into her every pore. Clarke was now just giving back everything she had unrightfully taken from her.
Lexa’s whole body was hurting with this pain. She felt a particularly painful throb when the girl in her lap choked out a last broken sob before sitting up. Lexa saw the tear tracks down her cheeks and raised a hand to wipe them away. She let out a wistful smile when the younger girl leaned into her hands before placing a kiss on her palms. Before she knew what was happening, though, Clarke had pulled her hands away from her face and was rising from the seat.
Clarke knew that she would have to take a leap soon and get up from the sofa. She had to go before she fell any harder for the girl in front of her. Standing up she walked over to the door and pulled her duffel bag up onto her shoulder and stood there for a second. It was taking more energy than she had expected to open the door and walk through. Her whole body was being pulled to the girl sobbing on the couch, but her mind was telling her that she had to leave. Lexa would be better off once she left.
Before she knew what was happening, she walked back to Lexa and bent over slightly. She bent down until they were eye-level and raised the older girl’s face until she could see those beautiful green eyes again. Despite the pain drowning in the tears cascading out of both eyes, they were the most beautiful things Clarke had every seen. Gently, she pulled the other girl up while maintaining eye contact. She smiled softly, hoping she could show all of the love behind the notion. She raised her hands up to wipe the tears away, which proved to be futile because they started pouring out even more after that.
She was caught off guard when the girl in front of her suddenly threw herself forward and into her arms. She felt Lexa wrap her arms around her neck and immediately press her lips to her own. It was a desperate kiss, an outpouring of all of the emotions neither of them were capable of saying in the moment. They expressed apologies and condolences, memories wasted and memories to be had, all of the plans they had made and the things they hadn’t yet done, all of the things they were wanted to do together but never would – most importantly, though, they poured all of their love into the kiss.
Lexa felt herself collapse in on herself when Clarke pulled out of her embrace and raced out of the apartment. Even if she had wanted to she wouldn’t have been able to stop the gut-wrenching sobs that tore through her body. She heard the door open and close and just cried harder. She couldn’t get up, she couldn’t move, she couldn’t breathe. She just lay there and felt her heart break and the shards scour through every part of her.
Eventually she cried herself to sleep curled up on the floor, only to be woken by banging on the door and worried calling of her name. Groggily, she managed to pull herself up and stumble to the door. Seeing her sister and two best friends standing on the other side, concern etched into their features, she felt the dam break again.
She spent the night crying to her family, explaining to them everything that had happened over the last few months. They had known about the tension between the two girls but they had no idea that it had gotten as bad as it did. None of them could believe what she said about hooking up with Costia, and Indra almost called her on it – she had always had a particular bond with the young medical student – but stopped herself when she saw the pain that Lexa was already putting herself through.
The four of them spent the night together at the apartment – Lexa couldn’t stand staying there alone. All of them failed to ignore the missing fifth member of their family.
They sat in silence for a while and then someone started a light conversation and then that died out again. Around 1:30 that morning Lexa finally fell asleep. Not even that, she essentially passed out with her head in Anya’s lap, the older girl running her hands through the wavy golden locks.
Time went on and none of them heard from the younger girl for weeks. Anya, Lincoln, and Indra explained to Lexa that Clarke had called them that night and insisted that she needed their help. They could all tell that Clarke wasn’t doing well either but she refused to answer any of their questions. They all got anxious whenever a phone rang after that, eager to hear the voice they were all longing to hear again and terrified that they were getting a call that the girl was officially gone from the world.
Days turned into weeks, weeks turned into months, months turned into years, and everything started to bleed together. To Lexa’s knowledge, Clarke hadn’t contacted any of them except for a condoling call when Anya was in the hospital after a particularly bad tour while on duty. Anya wished Lexa had been there to hear from the younger girl, but she didn’t want to submit either girl to that heartbreak all over again. She wanted to hate the medical student for putting her little sister through all of that pain, but Clarke was her little sister too. She knew without a doubt that things had to be worse for her since she didn’t have a support system. Clarke was obsessed with taking care of things on her own and that hurt Anya so much.
All four of them wished she would reach out to at least one of them. Lincoln got a message when he made it onto the police force and, Indra got a call when she was promoted to Lieutenant of her precinct. Clarke had asked Anya not to tell the others that they were still in contact. As far as anyone else knew, Anya hadn’t heard from Clarke save for a call after Anya’s accident. She always sent flowers on birthdays and in congratulations for big things, but that was it.
Lexa wished she could just hear her voice again. She knew that the other three had gotten calls from the girl and she envied each and every one of them. After four years, though, she had resigned herself to the fact that she would never be able to hear the melodious up and down of her voice, the way different emotions and thoughts were poured out in her overly articulate manner of speaking; the depth of the sound and the weight behind every word she used. She would never again be able to have a conversation with her about the randomest shit in the middle of the night. The more she thought about the fact that she would never be able to talk to her now-ex-girlfriend again, the sadder she got.
“And I moved forward with my life. I decided that I couldn’t spend forever stuck in that time period and I had to move on because I owed it to both of us.” Lexa looked at both of the brunettes sitting across from her, tears in their eyes and mouths open, “I met you two not long after that and I could never tell you how grateful I am that I met you two when I did.”
They sat in silence for a bit. Neither Raven nor Octavia had any idea what to say to what they just heard. Lexa had never told them about her past and who she was before they were friends. Hearing all of this, knowing these new things about their mysterious best friend, they were able to understand her better. So many of the things they weren’t able to puzzle out about the green-eyed brunette were suddenly starting to make sense. It was a lot of information, though, to absorb all at once.
On top of learning about their best friend’s sad past, they got quite a bit of information on the mystery girl in their apartment. Hearing all of the shit that that girl had been through and who she was made them hurt for her. They both knew better than most that pity was rarely ever a welcome emotion and they refused to pity anyone. No; in this case they had almost nothing but respect for the younger girl.
She had one of the shittiest childhoods they had heard of, which was saying a lot considering where they both came from, but she had somehow managed to pull herself out of that and make it to the last leg of her medical education. They really just wanted to be able to talk to her, because the more they got to know about her, the more captivating she became. They had no idea what it would be like to make Clarke and Lexa spend time together, though, after all these years just because they want to talk to her.
The three flatmates sat around for a while, going over all of the information that had just been presented. Raven was the one to ask the first question, of course.
“Wait a second. Costia. Please tell me that’s not the Costia that you work with now?”
Lexa winced. As much as she wanted to deny it, she knew she couldn’t. She looked over at her two best friends and said, “We ended up getting an internship at the same law firm. I couldn’t pass up this big of an opportunity, so yeah I do work with her now.” Before either of them could say anything, though, she quickly said, “But absolutely nothing happened between the two of us after that one night. We talked, I yelled, and I told her to stay the fuck away from me. There’s never been anything between me and Costia.”
They stayed there for a while, deciding to take a break from the work that awaited them in favor of just talking about nothing and everything. Around 2 in the morning, they realized that they should probably head to bed if they didn’t want to be zombies the next day.
As the three girls walked into the hallway, they realized that Lexa’s bed was currently occupied by the girl that had quite possibly saved their lives. Before Lexa had a chance to think about everything that had happened and retreat into a sad head space, Octavia excitedly jumped up and down, calling for all of them to have a sleepover in her room.
They made their way into the youngest brunette’s room, Lexa borrowing some clothes to sleep in, and settled into her bed. They had done this enough to know how they would all fit. Raven laid on the rightmost part of the bed, allowing her leg enough room to stretch out. Octavia usually lay between the two older brunettes, but tonight it seemed as though Lexa could do with a snuggle sandwich.
Octavia placed her head on Lexa’s chest, smiling when the law intern wrapped an arm around her and pulled her closer. Raven reached down and intertwined their fingers on her other hand. Lexa reveled in the feeling of being able to comfort these two girls. She was aware that she sometimes treated them like her children, but she couldn’t help it.
Her mind wandered back to the girl in her own room, and she sighed. The green-eyed brunette wasn't able to truly comprehend what she was feeling about the reappearance of the girl who still held her heart, but she could feel the pain of it start to seep into her body. Octavia snuggled closer to her and Raven squeezed her hand, indicating to the law intern that she had tensed up. She squeezed both girls back in response and decided to shut off her mind. Lexa eventually drifted off to sleep, uncertainty swirling in her head.