History (Part 1)
Lexa was 17 when they met. She walked into the school bathroom and immediately noticed the smell: vomit and sweat. It was strong enough to smell up the whole bathroom. She stopped in the doorway for a second and noticed that only one of the stalls seemed to be occupied. She walked to the sinks and washed her hands, debating whether or not to approach whoever seemed to be having such a horrible day.
As she was fumbling on which direction to turn – out the door or further into the restroom – the stall door opened. A small girl walked out, face showing just how shitty she felt. Her blonde hair was all disheveled, her clothes seemed to hang off her frame as if they were for someone three times her size. She kept her head down and her bag tight on her body. There was no way Lexa would be able to just walk out the door now.
“Hey are you okay?” She winced at how lame that sounded. The girl’s response of a mumbled assurance was to be expected and she sighed, resolving herself to the fact that she’d be in the bathroom for at least as long as the stranger-girl would be. She walked into the restroom and sat down on the bench against the wall, waiting for the girl to turn around from washing her hands. She allowed a smile to cross her face when the girl turned around, looking surprised to find her still sitting there. The girl seemed torn as to whether or not to entertain her or to go running. Lexa patted the seat next to her on the bench and waited while the girl just stood there. Sighing, she realized that she wasn’t going to join her on the bench no matter what.
Deciding that there was no point in waiting for the girl to say anything she said, “If you’re sick I can take you to the nurse, and if you need someone to talk to I can help you with that too.” She had no idea how to deal with a situation like this. The girl could just be sick, she could have an eating disorder, she could be pregnant; there were a plethora of possibilities and none of them were pleasant. She waited for a response.
“I’m not sick.”
Wow. That was a deep answer. They looked at each other for a minute, neither of them knowing what else there was to say. As they looked at each other for longer and longer Lexa could see her eyes get softer and softer. They started off a strong steeled blue, with seemingly solid walls up and no expression. After a bit they grew softer, a beautiful sky blue. There was pain there, though, and Lexa found her heart breaking for this stranger girl. Before the moment could break she started talking.
“It’s been a very long day for me, and I can only imagine yours has been even longer. There’s just so much going on in classes and such this week.” Wanting to keep some sort of friendly conversation going without getting into dangerous territories she asked, “What classes do you have today? Oh, and I’m sorry but what grade are you in?”
She got a very timid response, “I’m 15. I’m in your AP Statistics and AP Literature class.”
Right. They had had classes together in the past as well but she didn’t recognize the girl like this. She was always completely poised and professional, and the teachers used her work as examples in class, oftentimes despite her protests. They were both star students in almost all of their classes, beloved by the teachers and administrators. She had seen the girl around since freshman year but they had never interacted. She didn’t know much of anything about her except that she had skipped two grades in elementary school and that she spent most of her time alone. Lexa wanted to be able to learn who this girl was, but she could tell it would be difficult.
They spent almost twenty minutes in the restroom that day, with the older girl trying to get the younger one to say anything with some weight to it. Lexa learned that the mystery girl was Clarke, the infamous foster child of known pimp and drug dealer Thelonious Jaha, the girl who showed up to school with new bruises and cuts every other week. Lexa didn’t know much about how politics played in with the foster system, but she was skeptic of the effectiveness of it. Thelonious Jaha was only able to do the things he did because he was a local council member. It seemed as though people of power could get away with whatever the fuck they wanted if they had money. Clarke seemed to be the prime example of just how fucked up that was.
Eventually other people started pouring into the restroom as well. The two unlikely companions were made to split and Clarke truly believed she would never see Lexa again. She was used to it, though – people never stayed in her life.
The next day, however, the green-eyed brunette was waiting for her outside of their AP Stats classroom before she got there and made sure the two of them sat together. After class she dragged them both to a table at lunch. Clarke followed behind her, unable to say anything because, for one, she never expected this kind of reaction from the stranger in the bathroom yesterday, but secondly because, right then, Lexa was touching her hand and she wasn’t able to think about anything else.
Clarke joined Lexa and her friends for lunch that day and, eventually she started sitting with them regularly. She tried to remain as professional as possible, but it didn’t work with everybody. Costia, Titus, and Ryder never really understood her, but Lincoln welcomed her almost immediately. As she started spending more time Lexa and Lincoln outside of school, she met their families as well. Anya and Indra both warmed up to her quickly as well, and Clarke had no idea how to process it. She wasn’t used to people sticking around so she had always avoided making friends, but it seemed that this group was determined to get her to them.
But then again, there was a lot to like about Clarke. They all appreciated her raw candor, oftentimes finding humor in the way she could be a little too blunt with people. More than that, though, she always made herself available if anyone needed her. Clarke was also an absolute badass and trained with all of them at the gym. There was something in this girl that each of them could connect to, and it was incredible how seamlessly she seemed to fit into the group.
It took a long time for them to find out anything personal about her, though. Almost five months after meeting them Clarke showed up at Lexa and Anya’s front door, bloody and bruised. That was the first night they started hearing her story. She hadn’t had a safe home to live in since her mom died when she six years old. Her step-father decided to use her to fulfill all wifely duties and she was eventually removed from the house when teachers noticed her get more and more reserved and jumpy. She was removed from that house when she was eleven and she was placed in the foster system – which wasn’t much better. Her first foster family had used her merely as a punching bag and some extra income, and then she was placed with Jaha. That night was the first time she had reached out for help herself.
Lexa and Anya both felt like they had been punched in the gut. They had known this girl for five months now, spending all day at school together and many weekends at someone’s house, and they had no idea. She was going through so much shit and she dealt with so much crap because of hanging out with them and they had no idea. She had been kicked out of her house four days prior and they had no idea. The only reason she showed up at their doorstep tonight was because she ran into her former foster father.
They both assured her that she could spend the night with them at least. They would have to talk to their parents, and it would be difficult to do much more because she was technically a ward of the state. Clarke tried just asking for a place to wash her clothes and she would be on her way, but they adamantly refused. The Woods family wouldn’t stand for sending her back out there alone no matter what.
It took time. Clarke eventually had to go back to her foster family’s house, despite efforts by Lexa and Anya’s parents and Indra and Lincoln’s parents. She would often show up at their house in the middle of the night, bloodied and bruised, refusing medical treatment. Lexa always tried to get Clarke to go to a hospital but the girl would refuse, adamant that she had taken care of herself for long enough to know what to do. After a few months of this, Lexa and her family learned to just let her deal with whatever happened in her own way, and they were always there for her if she ever asked for help.
The Woods applied for an adoption license after having to send Clarke back to that house, and they were eventually granted custody, giving Clarke the best 16th birthday present she could have ever imagined. Ten years after her mother’s death, she finally had a family that cared about her.
Through all of this, she grew closer to the whole group. They were finally able to be there for her as much as she was there for them. They helped her when she had nightmares about past homes and she helped Lincoln and Indra when their mom left for deployment. They helped her when she didn’t know how to ask for it and she helped Lexa and Anya when their parents died in a car crash during college. The five of them became their own little family.
They had all kind of fallen out of touch with Costia, Ryder, Titus, and the rest of the group. This new bond that they had formed seemed to outweigh everyone else in their life. Of course they still spent some time with the others, but for the most part it was just them. They weren’t complaining, either. Everything seemed to be working out finally.
Clarke formed a special bond with Lexa. Somehow, during their initial meeting in the bathroom, something sparked in both of them and neither of them could ignore it. They got together officially a few weeks after Clarke came to their house for help the first time, and they decided to keep it quiet so they didn’t risk her chances of getting adopted by the Woods family.
Clarke was 17 when Lexa turned 18, and they faced a few obstacles in their relationship that year. Only their friends knew about them, but eventually Mr. and Mrs. Woods became privy to them as well. Clarke was terrified that they would finally kick her out of the house, ever ready for the shoe to drop on her happy story, but they surprised everyone by agreeing to keep it quiet. They could tell that these two girls had something special.
Lincoln and Lexa finished high school the year before Clarke did, but both of them stayed local for Undergrad. Anya was stationed closer to their home and Indra was promoted to detective in the LAPD, but Lexa and Lincoln were only a year ahead of her and they stayed behind. Lexa went to undergrad as pre-law and Lincoln wanted to be a police officer. Clarke couldn’t have been more proud of all of them.
Lexa and Clarke waited until Clarke was 18 to do anything beyond innocent touches. Lexa wanted to make sure that Clarke knew that she loved her for her and that she didn’t want to just use her. Their relationship blossomed and flourished, remaining together for over three years.
Lexa and Clarke ended up at the same school as well, deciding that they could stick around for a few more years to stay together. After a particularly hard night, though, Clarke found that the shoe that she had been waiting for dropped from the most unexpected of places.
They had gone out together for the first time in weeks. Lexa had been killing herself over her LSAT and Clarke had been busy with studying for the MCAT so they hadn’t had much time to just spend together. They were both stressed and snippy with each other and everyone around them and decided that a nice night out could help them get their footing again. They had been in rough territory for a few months and their friends were nervous about where their relationship was going.
They went out to their favourite restaurant that night. They had a beautiful dinner and connected in a way that they hadn’t in weeks. They went for a walk under the stars, something that they had always loved doing. They walked and walked and walked and they talked about nothing and everything and it was one of both girls’ favourite nights in memory. They were walking back to their car, though, when they heard a voice that stopped them both dead in their tracks.
Clarke’s ex-foster father, Cage Wallace, was standing on the sidewalk with his wife and son. They hadn’t talked to or seen them in years and were hoping that that chapter of her life was behind them. But all things catch up to us and her past and present decided to meet in the most explosive of ways.
The showdown between abuser and victim was not what ruined things, though. No; Clarke carried herself with a dignity few people could have managed after she grabbed her girlfriend’s hand and walked past the man spewing profanities at her with her head held high. Lexa and Clarke managed to make it back to the car and Lexa drove them both home, silence being her only companion. They walked into their apartment, Lexa leading Clarke who had been in a daze since the encounter. The older brunette placed a soft kiss on her lips, hoping to break her out of whatever nightmare she was locked in in her head.
Neither of them expected that the younger girl would flip out. She pushed Lexa away from her and got in a defensive stance. The green eyed girl looked up from the floor, terrified for the first time that Clarke could hurt her. She saw the immediate realization in her girlfriend’s blue eyes and felt her heart shatter in her chest. Clarke’s eyes were swimming with tears and disbelief at what she had done. She looked from Lexa to her own hands again and again until she started to get dizzy. Without saying a word, she turned away and bolted out the door.
Lexa had only ever been that terrified once in her life, and that was when her parents died. She had no idea where Clarke went or when she would be back. When she hadn’t heard from her girlfriend for some time she decided to text everyone else they knew in the area to see if they had heard from her. The only one to respond in the affirmative was Anya, and she wouldn’t say anything about what they had talked about. Anya was always very big about keeping people’s trust, and Clarke didn’t trust anybody, ever. So if she confided something in Anya, Anya sure as hell would never tell anybody.
Lexa made the mistake of texting Costia. She knew that there was no way in hell Clarke would end up going to her for help, but she eventually became desperate. After talking to Costia, Anya, Indra, Lincoln, and Titus, she ascertained that none of them would actually be able to help her. Looking at the time she realized it was now 1:30 in the morning and Clarke had been missing for four hours. They both had to be up by 5:30 and she knew the next day would be miserable too.
Just as the law student was about to go to the bedroom to try and get some sleep, she heard footsteps approach the door. She waited with baited breath, fairly certain it was her girlfriend but too afraid to hope. Whoever was there waited for some time with audible shuffling sounds, as if getting up the courage to come in. Eventually, there was a knock.
Lexa braced herself, terrified that a person in a police officer’s uniform would be there as a bearer of bad news. She couldn’t stop her heart from trying to beat out of her chest as she raised her shaking hand to unlock the door and then turn the knob. Her heart skipped a few beats when she was met with expressive blue eyes, full of pain and regret.
“I’m pretty sure you have a key to get in.”
Clarke’s shoulders deflated some and she seemed to curl in on herself even more. “I wasn’t sure how comfortable you would be with me just walking back in.”
Lexa felt her heart break some more, hearing the pain swirling in the other girl’s voice. She knew the issues the younger girl had with her own history, afraid that she had been conditioned to become a monster like everyone she grew up with. She knew that the moment earlier would weigh on her soul and cause her pain for as long as she remembered it. Lexa wanted to be able to do anything in her power to help the girl in front of her, but she was afraid that she wouldn’t be allowed in far enough to actually help.
The next few days were hard. Clarke was obviously having a hard time dealing with what happened and, no matter how many times Lexa told her everything was okay, she couldn’t properly comprehend what she had done. They both knew that no real damage was done to Lexa physically, but it seemed to really break Clarke’s mental state. The blonde closed off immediately and poured herself into studying 100%. If Lexa hadn’t have forced the girl to sit down and eat once a day she wouldn’t have eaten anything for a week and a half.
As their distance grew, Lexa started talking to others again. She started off just asking her three best friends for help again. They all said to handle Clarke delicately because her head seemed to be in a scary place, but Lexa couldn’t help but feel hurt. What about her own mind set? Why weren’t they concerned with what a scary place her head was in? Her girlfriend, the woman she loved with everything in her, had completely shut down. She had had a violent burst and then completely shut away. Why didn’t they care about what Lexa was going through?
She started talking to Costia, Ryder, and Titus more and more during this time, particularly Costia. She knew that the other girl was interested in her, but there wasn’t anything she could do about that now. She needed a friend on her side and Costia was more than willing to be that. She didn’t know how or when it happened, but she started spending more time with her than with her actual girlfriend. While Clarke was trying to protect Lexa by distancing herself, Lexa was protecting herself by getting closer to Costia.
Nothing happened for the longest time; Lexa loved Clarke too much to do anything with her new friend. However, one night they were both drunk. They had just taken their LSATs and decided that they deserved to go out and have some fun. Clarke was having a tough time again with Lexa gone so much, but Lexa insisted that she needed space, knowing that Clarke would never push her on that. She got drunk with Costia and hadn’t felt that free in months.
Neither girl remembered how it happened, but Lexa suddenly sobered up in the middle of the night and realized that she was pressed up flush to the darker skinned girl, her lips trailing down Lexa’s neck and a hand running up and down her back under her shirt; what was worse was that Lexa was actually enjoying it.
She shot away from the raven-haired girl in front of her and froze. She wanted to deny that it was Costia, she wanted to believe that she was actually with Clarke, the girl she loved, but she couldn’t. She knew that the giant bush of black curls on the girl in front of her didn’t belong to her girlfriend. It was the eyes that really broke her out though. Costia’s eyes were almost black with lust, but Clarke’s eyes never looked like that. Costia looked like she wanted to devour Lexa but Clarke always looked like she wanted to worship the other girl. This was all a big fucking mistake.
She walked home in silence. It was a forty minute walk and it was the middle of the night, but she absolutely had to get home immediately. She spent the whole walk thinking about what happened and how she was going to deal with it. She hated herself for what she had done and what she would have to say to her girlfriend. No matter what, though, the green eyed brunette couldn’t deny the fact that Costia could never compare to Clarke.
Walking home, she hoped beyond all hope that her girlfriend was asleep so she could have some time to process what she was going to say. Lexa was exhausted, freezing cold, and hurting and she was going back and forth between wanting to grovel for forgiveness and angrily defending herself in her own head. On one hand, she knew that what she had done was absolutely wrong and didn’t want to be forgiven at all. The other side of her, though, wanted her to defend herself, to argue about how difficult the last few months had been for her with Clarke emotionally checked out. The law student had no idea which side would come out when confronted with what she did.
Much to her chagrin, Clarke was up studying when she got home. She saw the light on in their room and the one in the living room on as well and she knew that shit was going to go down right then. It was 3 in the morning and she was terrified of how this was going to go.
“Babe? Is that you?” Once it got past 1:30 in the morning, Clarke had given up hope that her girlfriend would be coming home that night. Lexa had taken her LSAT that day and Clarke had made her favourite dinner and had their favourite movies ready, hoping to be able to spend some time with the older brunette that night and work on fixing what was wrong. Lexa hadn’t come home, though, and she hadn’t answered any of her texts either. She knew that they had been having problems over the last few weeks and it hurt that Lexa was spending as much time away from her as possible, but she only had a week left of this crazy work and then she had plans to focus solely on whatever was broken with them. She knew that the stoic and strong girl secretly had a soft spot for cheesy romance and she planned on going all out. She owed it to her to give her the best apology possible.
“Yea, love, it’s me.” The older girl couldn’t help but cringe, the guilt weighing down on her like boulders on her chest. “I was studying at Cos’s and just really wanted to come home.”
Clarke walked out into the living room with a slight smile on her face. She knew that she was the one who had created the initial distance between them, but she was working on fixing it. She got a little worried, though, when she went to give the brunette a kiss and she turned her head at the last second so she only got her cheek. Backing up to look at Lexa properly, she could see that the green-eyed girl was avoiding looking at her and she was chewing at her lip, which she only ever did when she was avoiding something.
“Lex what’s going on?”
Immediately getting defensive, Lexa saw the fear that Clarke was trying to keep hidden in her eyes and she stopped herself before she could snap. “I think we should sit down.”
Clarke walked over to the sofa and sat on one side. She didn’t want to sit too close to the other girl because she feared that she knew where this was going, but she couldn’t stand being too far from her either.
“Babe please. Anything you have to tell me it’s going to be okay.”
Lexa couldn’t stop the tears from building up in her eyes. She looked to the side and finally made eye contact with the deep blue eyes that she fell in love with and felt her heart start to break all over again. She couldn’t believe that she would break the other girl’s heart as well, when she had vowed do nothing but take care of it and protect it. Yet here they were.
When her girlfriend didn’t say anything for a while but just looked at her as if she was seeing her for both the first and last times her heartbeat started racing. She couldn’t get it to calm down and she was almost certain she knew where this was going. Taking a deep breath, she bit the bullet and asked, “Lexa, did you do something with Costia?”
Clarke heard the sharp intake of breath and that was all the confirmation she needed. Her head dropped immediately into her hands and she let out a deep breath. No matter what, though, she refused to let any tears drop. The blonde was up in an instant, shooting out of her seat and pacing, unable to sit still. She got slightly concerned when Lexa didn’t say anything though.
After a few minutes of pained silence, she turned her head to look at the girl still sitting on the sofa. She felt her heart leap at the tears running down her girlfriend’s face while she looked off into the distance and she couldn’t take it.
The young blonde rushed back over to the girl on the sofa and knelt in front of her, taking her hands in her own and gently pressing a kiss to her knuckles. When Lexa finally let out a singular sob and clenched her eyes shut, Clarke reached up and gently wiped her tears away, caressing her face while she was at it. She tried soothing the other girl until she finally looked back at her and Clarke couldn’t help but feel her breath catch at the heart-wrenching beauty of the woman sitting in front of her.
“I don’t understand,” she said, as gently as she could, but knowing that she couldn’t sugarcoat anything. “I don’t understand and I don’t like it, but we can deal with this. We can work on this and fix it.” When she still didn’t get a response she got more worried, “If it’s something that you want to fix…”
Lexa didn’t know how to deal with all of the emotions that started tearing their way through her body. Having to confirm to Clarke what had happened terrified the ever-loving shit out of her and she reacted in the worst way possible. Lexa tore her hands from the younger girl’s grasp and shot up off of the sofa, “What the fuck, Clarke? Do you really think that little of me that you automatically assumed that that’s what I was doing all night?”
Clarke’s eyes widened, terrified that she had seriously messed up, “No I just – “
“No I know exactly what. Just because you’re fucked up in the head doesn’t mean I’m going to do something to hurt you. Not everyone is out to fuck with you. God just get over it already.”
Neither of them knew where these words were coming from. Clarke tried her hardest not to take them to heart, she tried to understand that her girlfriend had so many things going on and they were probably just both really stressed. She couldn’t help it, though; the words really hurt.
“Babe, please. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean anything by it, I just thought – “
“Please I know exactly what you thought. What? Just because I was out all night with a girl you thought I was just going to sleep with her? News flash: not everyone gets fucked by everyone they run into.”
The words hit her like a punch to the stomache. Lexa had no idea where the words came from and Clarke couldn’t help the sharp exhale of breath at the impact of those words. She saw the realization cross Lexa’s features the instant those words were out of her mouth, but it was too late. The damage was already done.
Clarke slowly rose from her crouched position on the floor and stood there for a second, just looking at the green eyes in front of her, now swimming in a pool of tears. Without a word, she turned around and walked out the door.
Lexa couldn’t believe what just happened. Out of everything she imagined on the walk home, this was not what she expected. She had said that, no matter what, she wouldn’t let the anger get a hold of her and personally attack the younger girl. Lexa had royally fucked that up and she didn’t know if she would ever be able to make this up to the medical student. A history like Clarke’s was never supposed to be used as a weapon, but that was exactly what Lexa had done. She didn’t think she deserved to ever be forgiven.
It was now almost 4 in the morning and the law student had no idea where her girlfriend would go. Clarke didn’t have anybody she could go to at a time like this and Lexa couldn’t help the way her heart started pounding. Before she knew it, she was on the floor sobbing.