Wine and Cigarettes
Wine and Cigarettes
Piper meets Larry and they automatically click, talking about everything and nothing in particular. They go out on cliché dates and visit expensive restaurants and she shaves her legs for him and wears tight uncomfortable dresses and push up bras.
And really, that’s what love is in the modern world.
“Larry is great for you, I’m sure you two will be very happy.” Polly assures her almost daily when she tells her about him over lunch or when they stalk him on Facebook while they enjoy Vanilla Lates in Starbucks.
xxx
“I’m so proud of you Piper!” her mother tells her when she goes on a visit, in between criticizing her outfit and brushing her hair, almost as if she is thirteen again.
“Finding a nice boy like Larry, you’ve made our dreams come true!” she declares, patting her on the head and Piper feels as if she’s a dog getting a treat instead of a real human being.
But she forces a smile that seems to fool everyone around and for a few fleeting moments herself as well.
“Yes…Larry is a dream come true.” She concludes and maybe, just maybe if she keeps repeating those rehearsed words they’ll become true one day.
xxx
“What did you think about the movie?” Larry asks in his usual sweet voice, his hand wrapping around her wrist and pulling her closer.
“It was great.” she says and really it was – yet another blockbuster she’ll forget in forty minutes time but still enjoyable. For whatever reason, she believes that’s a pretty good metaphor for their relationship as well.
“I really liked that part when-“ her boyfriend rambles on and on and absentmindedly she remarks to herself how he never really stops talking yet at the same time he never says anything.
Larry is fun and nice and the sex is good but none of it feels real. It lacks depth, emotion, it lacks that bittersweet feeling she’s read about in romantic novels and watched unfold in the complex plots of good old movies.
Because really Larry is nothing more than a summer blockbuster.
“What’s wrong?” he asks her, voice filled with empty concern.
His words make her break away from her thoughts and she looks at him, his big kind brown eyes and his boyish smile. Really, Larry deserves to be loved, deserves to have something real and interesting and special and somewhere at the back of her mind she regrets she can never give him that.
But then again she can’t leave him because being alone in this mad, superficial and empty world is terrifying and Larry is so much better than spending her nights alone wrapped in a blanket with her mother on the phone.
“Nothing.” She states with a skillful smile, before stepping in closer to him and locking their lips together.
Larry tastes like beer and popcorn while she wants wine and cigarettes.
xxx
Every night is a different adventure for Alex, a different girl.
It’s Michel in France, Lola in Spain, Ingrid in Germany, Maria in Slovakia and Nikoleta in Greece.
Alex really doesn’t want to remember their names but somehow they get stuck with her and every morning the list becomes longer and she feels emptier. It’s not that she doesn’t enjoy sex – because she does, it’s one of her favourite things in the world and she’s not one bit ashamed of it. But there’s this lingering feeling, at the back of her mind telling her it is no longer enough and maybe it never was.
All these girls scream her name (or at least the fake name she has chosen to use at that time) and moan and talk seductively in languages, which she can’t understand and really she has no idea what they’re saying. For all she knows they might be swearing.
At first it doesn’t bother her, this feeling of being empty, feeling like a lost puppy because she’s used to it. After all it’s not like she has ever had the big house and white picked fantasy going on for her. But then the feeling gets too much and she becomes tired, exhausted even.
The beautiful bodies she looks at and touches and explores no longer bring her the pleasure they used to because she knows after a few hours she’ll be gone, sneaking out with her shoes in one hand and a cigarette in the other.
And somewhere along the road, she realizes that is no longer what she wants.
“Well, you look sad.” a rough voice, soaked in foreign accent, interrupts her thoughts and she turns around to meet Kubra’s stare and a familiar lop-sided smile.
She’s currently standing at the balcony of some tall, luxurious building Balik has an apartment in (where doesn’t he have an apartment). Before her eyes is the panoramic view of Istanbul and it is breathtakingly beautiful and she should be feeling on top of the world.
Except she isn’t. She feels numb and no matter how hard she tries she can’t appreciate even an ounce of the beauty that is laid before her eyes. The sky, which is painted in red and gold by the sunset seems somehow sad and melancholic. The last sunrays remind her of how time passes by you and no matter how hard you try you can’t make it slow down, you can’t force it to wait for you.
She wonders do other people who look up to the same sky see the same things? Probably not. Of course not.
“Hey, Earth to Alex!” Kubra jokes, waving a tan hand before her eyes and the trick seems to work, making her snap back to reality.
“Sorry, Balik. I just…I was thinking about something.” she mumbles, flashing him a pearly smile which doesn’t reach her eyes.
“You, westerns, you always complicate things.” the other grumbles but she knows he’s joking around, obviously in a good mood. – “Can’t you enjoy a good sunset? Cause, if you can’t, there must be something wrong with you.” the man concludes, drawing smoke from his cigarette.
He offers her one too and she accepts, her hand stretching out without her even thinking about it.
She inhales the smoke and coughs lightly.
“No filter.” she points out, raising an eyebrow, “I’m impressed, you know.”
“You’re always impressed by the wrong things.” the other snickers and for some reason the words resonate with her.
“You have no idea how right you are.” she responds slowly, voice more hollow and more serious than she intended. Kubra gives her a confused look because surely he hadn’t meant for his remark to be taken seriously.
Alex breaks into a very forced laugh and it sounds fake even to her own ears but she hopes the other would play along for her, would pretend he doesn’t notice there’s something wrong.
He doesn’t and she can read something in his dark eyes, some empathy which is the last thing she would expect from the leader of an international drug cartel. Then again, he too is human and she has never been one to judge too harsh, perhaps because she thinks she has no right to.
“Are you happy, Balik?” Alex asks in a small voice before she can stop herself. The question seems to catch him completely off guard and for a second he just stares at her, rendered speechless. There’s some lost look to his eyes and he doesn’t quite manage to hide it fast it enough.
“It’s funny cause this is the most important question we should be asking ourselves.” she continues and once again lets out a small laugh, “Are you happy? But…alas, we never ask.”
Time seems to pass and they both remain silent and she can see the sky starting to darken and the air becoming a bit cooler, even though it still feels too hot.
“I am not unhappy.” Kubra says finally and his tone is flat and empty, nothing like the one he uses when he gives order to his subordinates left and right.
“My dad…he owns a small coffee shop.” he starts and Alex cocks an eyebrow, unsure how that follows his previous statement. Still she doesn’t interrupt, interested in what he has to say.
“I grew up dirt poor, you know. Six kids and hardly any money but…” the Turk inhales sharply, his eyes set on something far away, something she can’t see, “I was happy back then.”
“Any my dad…” Balik’s voice is now softer, almost gentle as he closes his eyes and submerges into memories of times long gone,“You should see how he looks at my mother. What respect, what love even after all those years. Sometimes I wonder – isn’t this what we all want in the end of the day?”
Alex can feel her throat tighten and her eyes start to water, vision blurring slightly. That’s something she hasn’t done in a long time, seeing no point in it.
Next thing she knows, Kubra’s hands are on her waist, travelling up, face too close. She can feel his warm breath, smelling of cigarettes and hot Turkish coffee, on her features and she struggles not to give in. She knows why he’s doing this – he’s lonely and empty and wants to forget about it for a few brief moments of pleasure. Alex wants it too and when he kisses her she doesn’t respond but she doesn’t pull off right away either, doesn’t stop him.
In the end thought she does, giving him a small, sad smile.
“I only like girls. I’m sorry.” she says but Kubra doesn’t turn and walk right away and there’re some small part of her that is glad he doesn’t.
“I know. I’m sorry too.” he admits at last and sits on the terracotta floor with a sigh.
“Go find yourself some pretty girl then, Vausse.” the man says in the end, trying to insert some humor into the situation, go back to their usual dynamics which are always light-hearted and simple.
Simple. Alex likes simple. Except at one point it has become boring and distasteful.
“You too, Kubra.” Alex responds, lips curving into a smile purely out of habit.
xxx
That night she has sex with a gorgeous woman named Shirin and she is beautiful and Alex wants that feeling of pure ecstasy to last forever. At the same time she knows it won’t and there’s something rushed, something greedy in her actions when she’s with the other woman.
She gasps and moans and pulls the other closer to herself, as if she wants to melt into her but there’s no meaning behind her actions. It’s just a mixture of lust and desperation and some need for distraction.
Alex screams that night in pleasure but in the morning her mouth feels dry and she remains silent as the watches the sun rise, bathing her hotel room in gentle light.