Chapter 25
**Lexas POV**
She didn’t know what she was doing exactly only that it felt right. Even if she tried she wouldn’t be able to leave Clarke right now. She quickly ran into Lunas room to grab her pajamas and changed sitting on the couch to wait for Clarke to get out.
Luna said she might be spending the night at Atoms tonight. She could sleep in her room or the couch, both seemed too far from Clarke though. Would it be weird to sleep in her bed again considering they had barely had any one on one time in months?
She didn’t know, she didn’t know what she was there to do at all. Her dad… he hadn’t sounded too good on the phone. She felt sad that she had never gotten to meet him in person as she wanted to before. It was probably too late for that now.
She heard the shower stop and waited a few minutes before her worry grew to be too much. She stood up and walked to the bathroom knocking on the door. She heard a sniffle from the other side and turned the knob opening the door.
Clarke sat on the edge of the tub fully dressed. She looked up and saw her tears coming down. Her eyes were so puffy and her pale face so red. She looked at her and walked over grabbing her arms and pulling her out of the bathroom and towards her room.
She brought Clarke to the bed where she crawled under the covers right away and turned away from her. She didn’t know what to do so she stood there frozen next to the bed just watching her as she played with the charms on the bracelet.
She started walking to the door but Clarke turned around to watch her and she stopped mid step. “I know I said I’m strong but I.. Lexa…..”
She nodded her head, “I’m just going to get you some water.” Clarke nodded her head. She walked out and walked over to the kitchen grabbing a glass and filling it. She closed her eyes a took a deep breath in. She wanted to scream, Clarke had more life inside her than everyone she had ever known and it just looked like that life was draining out of her. She was powerless to fix it.
She took a sip of the water herself before walking back to the room where Clarke hadn’t moved at all. She motioned for her to sit up and she did taking the glass and gulping almost the entire thing down. She took it away from her and placed it on the desk sitting in the chair as Clarke laid back down. This was giving her anxiety.
“Lexa?” She looked up from her hands to see Clarke watching her.
“You don’t have to be here if you rather go home.”
She stood up and saw Clarkes face fall. But her face changed to one of confusion as she walked closer to the bed instead of the door. She reached over and grabbed Clarkes laptop sitting down on the bed making sure to leave plenty of space between them. Clarke turned over so she was laying on her stomach able to see what it was that she was doing.
She couldn’t help but smile to herself when she saw Clarke had not seen the show since the last time they had seen it together. Clarke looked over at her and gave her a small smile which she returned. She scooted back away from the computer still sitting up. Clarke laid her head on her own arms and Lexa watched slowly as the episode went on Clarke seemed to struggle to keep her eyes open.
When she turned it off and looked at Clarke she was watching her. “Thank you.”
“For what?”
“Not leaving me when I needed you.”
“I don’t think I would have been able to even if I tried.”
“I’m sorry Lexa.” Tears began streaming down Clarkes face.
“Hey, Clarke. Come on.” She began wiping the tears falling from Clarkes eyes wondering how the girl still had tears to shed. Clarke shook her head no.
“You are here and you shouldn’t have to be. I’m not your responsibility. I lost you when I chose to sleep with Niylah but you are here taking care of me because of my dad, It isn’t fair to you. I’m sorry.”
Clarke covered her face with her hands and began to shake with the force of her crying. She was frozen for a moment unsure of what to do. She pulled on Clarke until she was basically sitting in her lap and began rubbing circles onto her back.
“Look at me Clarke.” Clarke shook her head. “Please look at me. Clarke.”
Clarke took a deep breath and moved her hands from her face. Lexa held onto her chin to make sure Clarke wouldn’t turn away.
“I wanted to see you today. Okay? I wanted to talk to you to tell you I’m sorry I pulled away for so long. I want to be here for you. I want to be in your life because…. You make mine better. Clarke I’ve never had a friend like you before and Ietting you go would be stupid of me. I’m here to try, don’t apologize for needing a friend. I’m your friend and I’m here so deal with it. And lord help me if you apologize for Niylah one more time I’m going to scream. I forgive you, not because of your dad either okay? You weren’t my girlfriend Clarke, you didn’t cheat on me so stop it.” She took a deep breath realizing that she had in fact begun to raise her voice.
“I want a do over with you. Can we do that? Forget everything else and start over?”
Clarke watched her curiously as if she wasn’t believing her and she didn’t know how to convince her either. She put her hand on Clarkes cheeks and stared into the blue eyes that had become swollen and red.
“Please?”
Clarke nodded her head slowly. Lexa pulled Clarke into her a hug and held her for a moment trying to comfort her to the best of her ability. When she pulled away Clarke shuffled back over to her side of the bed and back under the covers. She could tell how exhausted she was. She sat there silently waiting for Clarke to sleep and when she was sure she was she stood and walked out into the living room leaving Clarkes door open just in case. She laid herself down on the couch as her eyes began feeling heavy, her emotions of the day had taken a toll on her physically and she couldn’t do it for another moment.
**Clarkes POV**
She had fallen into a deep sleep except everything was dark. There was no dream and she could hear someone calling her name.
“Clarke please stop.”
Her eyes shot open and sat up in her bed looking around at her dark room.
“Stonp.”
She looked towards her door which was open. “Please.”
Lexa. She threw her blankets off of her and ran towards her voice to find her sleeping on the couch tears streaming down her face. She began speaking softly into her ear and rubbing her hand up and down Lexas arms having learned how to wake her from her nightmares.
Her heart clenched when instead of saying Costias name she whimpered hers instead.
“I’m here Lexa, wake up, I’m right here.”
Lexas eyes opened and before she could say anything else Lexa pulled her down and was holding her close and tight.
“You’re okay?” The question confused her, shouldn’t she be asking the one asking that question? She nodded her head yes anyway. Lexa released her and they both sat up.
“I woke you up didn’t I?”
She shrugged her shoulders with a small smile.
“Sorry.”
“No need to be, are you okay? This dream was different?”
Lexa nodded her head and she waited for her to explain it but Lexa said nothing and she didn’t yet feel comfortable enough in their new found again friendship to push her to talk.
“Why are you sleeping on the couch?”
Lexa shrugged her shoulders. “I didn’t know if it would be weird sleeping in your bed but Lunas room… I wanted to be close enough to hear you so I chose here.”
She felt her heart skip a beat but internally yelled at herself to act cool. She stood and reached out her hand. “You and Luna share a bed and you are just friends right?”
“Yes.”
“So I don’t see why it should be different for us.”
Lexa looked at her questioningly.
“I’m not going to try and have sex with you or anything like that. We are starting over right?”
Lexa nodded her head and took her hand. They made their way back to her room. Lexa naturally taking what had been her side of the bed. They left more room between them then they ever have before but it felt good just knowing Lexa was there for her.
It didn’t take long for sleep to come for her once again. But before she was completely asleep she swore she heard Lexa whisper something.
“I won’t leave this time.” It didn’t make sense to her and she wanted to ask what she was talking about but it was too late.
**Lexas POV**
**Thursday**
“Did you talk to Clarke about the letter yet?”
“No.”
Kane watched her waiting for her to go on. She sighed loudly knowing that it bothered him slightly but the uplift of the corned of his lip.
“Her dad, it’s bad. I’m trying to just be her friend right now. It is what she and I both need.”
Kane nodded his head. “How are you feeling about Costia when it comes to Clarke and you?”
She looked towards the window. Since she began seeing Kane the thought of Costia seemed to hurt a little less. She was learning to not let her death be the first thing she thought of when she heard her name. Kane had told her that she should think of things that she loved about her. Right now it was as if she could hear Costias laugh in her mind and it made her smile.
Kane noticed and gave her an approving smile and head nod.
“I’m not sure yet, I know I’m not betraying her. But its still hard. Its like I had this future in my mind of like what it would look like and now I have to rearrange it. I have to accept that..” She took a deep breath and closed her eyes. “That I will never marry Costia, or give her children, or grow old with her. But that doesn’t mean I cannot have that with someone else.”
She opened her eyes and looked out the window again. “I’ve always wanted to be a mother. More than even being a lawyer honestly. I still want that.”
Kane nodded his head. “You can have that still Lexa.”
She nodded her head and looked at him. “I think I’m starting to figure that out now thanks to you.”
Kane shook his head no but didn’t push it.
**Clarkes POV**
She sat on the couch wrapped in her blanket staring at the television but not really watching it. She looked up when the apartment door opened and Luna walked in plopping down on the couch and stealing half of her blanket.
“What are we watching?” She shrugged her shoulders and passed Luna the remote.
Luna took it but watched her instead.
“So what’s happening with you and Lexa?’
She looked up and instinctively felt the guilt she always did when thinking of both Lexa and Luna.
“I think we are trying to work on our friendship.”
Luna nodded her head. “Don’t hurt her again.”
Clarke watched as Luna stared at her in an almost challenging way.
“I would rather hurt myself than hurt her again.” Lunas eyes softened.
She scooted closer to her and pulled her in close.
“Don’t hurt yourself either.”
She nodded her head and Luna let go.
“Look, I care about you Clarke I do. I love you even though we have been through some rocky times with you trying to steel my girlfriend and all.” Clarkes eyes widened and her jaw dropped.
Luna laughed lightly running her hands through her own hair trying to find the words to speak. “ Lexa is my best friend, now I know we were always meant to just be friends and I’m okay with that. She would have never hurt me on purpose or cheat on me even if her heart was with you. She is a loyal person always has been.” Luna shrugged her shoulders.
“I know you are going through a lot with your dad. Lexa knows loss she can help you. I’m glad you guys are speaking again.”
Clarke nodded her head. “I was jealous of you. She always chose you over me and it hurt and it made me resent you, made me feel inadequate. So I pushed her when I shouldn’t have. I messed with her head then because it felt like she was messing with my heart. She wasn’t though she was confused. I will never do that to her again she didn’t deserve it. I don’t know how she can still want to be my friend or how you can either. I’m sorry.”
Luna nodded her head. “She loves you. It’s up to you guys to figure out in what way. I guess I just wanted you to know I love you both and am okay with whatever you guys choose to do.”
Clarke nodded her head. “Thank you.”
“All of us are here for you. Me,O,Ray, the whole gang. You were never alone, even without Lexa. “
“I know.”
Luna leaned over and pressed a kiss to her head before walking towards her room.
“Oh and Clarke?” She looked up to see what else Luna had to say. “I will kick your ass if you even look at Atom too long.”
Clarke let out a laugh. She knew Luna was teasing her. “Got it.”
She thought of their group of friends. She was lucky to have each and every one of them. Luna was something extraordinary and she hated that she had been willing to hurt her in such a way before. She had been selfish always putting herself first. A spoiled little princess. She shook her head she was going to be better.