Chapter 24
Three Weeks Later
**Lexas POV**
She picked the unopened letter from the table in between them flipping it over repeatedly.
“Are you ready?”
She looked up and tried to pass the letter to the man sitting across from her but he just shook his head and pointed at her.
“I said you had to open it…. If you want to know what it says.”
He was nice but stubborn. She rolled her eyes and once again just stared at the letter she held in her hands.
“Why are you scared?”
She didn’t look up. “You know why.”
“Yes, I do but maybe saying them out loud again will help you find the strength to do this.”
She sighed and looked at him. Kane was a very frustrating person, he knew what she was feeling yet always wanted her to voice them, he thought voicing her fears would give her strength.
She glared at him but sighed at the same time. He stared at her as if he was challenging her and it took every ounce of strength she had not to grab the pillow next her and hurl it at his head.
“Alexandria.”
She didn’t mean to but the growl escaped her lips before she could stop it.
“Sorry, Lexa. This is your time to talk, it’s what you came here for.”
She nodded her head and took a deep breath. “I’m in love with two women, one of them is dead. You can’t really be in love with two people at once, so I’m learning to let Costia go because…. It’s time.”
“What makes it time?”
“Clarke?”
“Why do you say that as if it is question and not your answer?”
She hated when he did that she honestly did. She glanced over at the pillow once again, how much trouble would she really get into for throwing it.
“Because Clarke should not be the reason. She isn’t the main reason, but she has influenced me, she makes me want to be better for myself and her. She makes me want to try.”
Kane nodded his head and folded his hands on his lap and gave her that toothy grin of his.
“So why are you afraid of reading the letter?”
“Because once I read it I feel like I have to make a decision. I know she said she made some promises to me in this and I can’t act like I have no clue what they are and I won’t lie if she asks me if I have read it. She deserves the truth.”
“Does her dads sickness have an effect on you rushing to figure this out?”
Her head snapped up so fast and she felt very defensive of Clarke in that moment though she knew he meant nothing wrong by his question.
He put his hands up as if to show her he was simply inquiring.
“I will be there for Clarke if she wants me to be. I won’t turn my back on her when she needs me most.”
“Isn’t that why she didn’t tell you he was sick in the first place? She thought you would feel guilty and go back to her?”
“I’m not sleeping with her! We text in the group chat and hang out with our mutual friends. I’m not just going for it. We wouldn’t work if I did. I can be there for her as a friend for now, anything more will come later.”
She took a deep breath trying to calm herself down.
“Okay.” She rolled her eyes and gripped the letter. Now or never.
**Clarkes POV**
FLASHBACK
She wanted to express to Lexa how sorry she was that she had done this to them done this to her, but she couldn’t blame any of this on her dad. It wasn’t right. She was weak but she swore she would be strong from now on. Strong enough for both of them.
Lexa,
I don’t know when you will read this or if you ever will. I really hope you read this, though even as I write it I don’t know what it is I am trying to say. I know you want nothing to do with me right now and I do not know how long that will last, I know how stubborn you are. Remember when I smacked your bagel out of yoru hand and you didn’t speak to me for a whole day and even then you refused to speak until I got you the same exact bagel from your favorite place? Yeah this might take a very long time.
Maybe that is what I am trying to tell you? I am sorry I hurt you Lex. If I could take it back I swear I would. But I’m not capable of that so I will wait for you as long as it takes, I will wait for you to not hate me anymore. Sometimes when I think about us I think about all of the times we fought over the stupidest things. (Did Ross cheat or were they on a break?) But then I think of all of the good times, and Lexa there is much more good than bad. I wish I knew how to show you that, one day I will, I swear it.
Remember the night we met and I hit on you right away? You have taken my breath away from the moment I met you. You are the most beautiful person I have ever met inside and out, I cannot fathom that I may have lost you for good. How could it be possible to live a life without you once I know how good life can be with you? I refuse to think this could actually be our end, seeing you, how I hurt you.. I think a part of me didn’t realize how much you actually do (did?) care for me. I’m sorry it took me realizing how much I could hurt you to see it, to see what had always been in your eyes. You gave me your heart and I didn’t notice it until you took it back.
I love you, I thought I knew how much already Lexa, I didn’t. I guess it is true you don’t realize what you have until it is gone. Please don’t be gone for good? I barely had you, I messed us up before we ould really start didn’t I? I shouldn’t be asking this of you. It’s selfish isn’t it, maybe that’s always been our problem, I’m selfish. Let me be selfish this last time? Because if you give me one more chance I swear I will be yours for the rest of my life. This isn’t some silly crush, I know this is it, you are the one for me. I’ve never felt this for anyone else before maybe it’s something you only feel once. If you cannot ever forgive me, or give me another chance at least I felt it for the time I did and I will cherish it for the rest of my life.
My heart is yours, don’t come to me for me Lexa, come to me because you love me too. God I really hope you can still love me. I can wait and I will and if one day I see you are happy with someone else then I will know it is too late. Your happiness matters to me more than anything and if that means we aren’t going to be together, well then I think that is the only way I can be okay with this, with no us. If a day comes and you find the person who you think is the love of your life I will let go.
I think I have loved you from the moment I met you and I’m sure I will love you until my last breath and even then. Maybe someday I will get the chance to prove it you if not I understand.
With Love
Clarke Griffin
P.S. THEY WERE ON A BREAK!
P.S.S. I will totally say they weren’t if it means that much to you <3
P.S.S.S. You’re my lobster.
She stared at the letter, wondering if this was enough. It wasn’t she knew it wasn’t but it was all she had at the moment and she meant every single word she had written down. When she looked up and saw how much time had passed she knew she had to go.
**Present**
She looked at him sleeping and knew this was it, his life was coming to an end and she could do nothing but stand by and watch. She had been going to see her parents every weekend these past few months since she learned the truth. She knew he wanted her to keep living her life so she tried. He was trying to make his loss more bearable. It would never be.
She climbed onto the bed pressing her head to his chest listening to his heart beat.
“Hows my little girl?”
She lifted her head and looked at him but the moment her eyes met his, she felt tears begin falling down her cheeks. She buried her face into his chest trying to hide them but it was too late, she was so tired of being strong all the time, here and back at home.
She felt him combing through her hair gently trying to calm her down. He shouldn’t have to do this. She was supposed to be there for him not the other way around. She tried to pull away but he wouldn’t let her.
“I’ve got you Clarke.”
So she stood there letting him comfort her, letting her father take care of her for maybe one of the last times. She isn’t sure how long they stood that way, only that her mother came in and stepped back out when her father shook his head at her.
She gently lifted her head so she could see his face again. It was then she noticed that he had been crying his own tears.
“I’m scared.” He nodded his head at her.
“Me too.”
“I’m staying here.”
He shook his head at her sadly.
“No, you are going back.”
“Daddy.”
He pulled her down and pressed a kiss to her forehead,” I will be here next weekend I promise.”
She shook her head at him. “You can’t promise that.”
He shrugged his shoulders. “Trust me, I feel it. Besides Ravens birthday Thursday isn’t it?”
She nodded her head.
“Go on then before you miss your bus.”
Her entire body screamed for her to stay, she didn’t know if he would be here when she came back next Saturday. It wasn’t guaranteed.
“I love you Dad.”
He gave her a big smile, it reached his eyes and she did her best to memorize it so she could paint it later.
“I love you more.”
She stood up and stretched bending down to press a kiss to his cheek. She walked to the door.
“Clarke?” She turned and looked at him. “I’m really proud to call you my daughter.” She felt her eyes brimming with tears and nodded her head running out of the room before he could see. She ran staright into her mother who when seeing her face pulled her into a hug.
She held her that way for quite some time.
“I will keep you updated I swear. Anything changes I will call you right away. Okay?” She nodded her head and pulled away.
****
This ride back to the city hurt more than the others had. She was more scared now then ever that she would never see her dad again. She spent the ride trying to fight the tears that seemed to be in endless supply. She just wanted to go home and lay in bed sleeping the rest of the day away.
When she got off of the bus she searched around, Luna said she would pick her up but she didn’t see her anywhere. She took out her phone to call her but it went straight to voicemail. She felt overwhelmed and the five-minute tear break was apparently over. She stood on the street tears streaming down her face feeling like this was the shitiest day ever.
She saw a car pull up in front of her that looked familiar. The passenger window rolled down and there was Lexa.
“Clarke?”
She couldn’t move, it was like her body was simply too tired physically and emotionally.
Lexa jumped out of the car and ran to stand in front of her just out of reach.
“What happened, are you okay?”
She just shook her head and dropped her bag onto the floor bringing her arms around her body so she was holding herself, because she swore she was falling apart and it felt like a long time coming.
Lexa lunged forward and wrapped her arms around her, she couldn’t move to hold her back because in this moment she felt if she let go of herself she would be lost forever.
Lexa held her for a few moments before picking up her bag and leading her with an arm over her shoulder to the car and opening the door for her she stepped in and sat down, Lexa reached across her strapping her in. She closed the door and she leaned her head against the window closing her eyes.
She heard Lexa get in the car and start the car. The driving was lulling her into a sleep she prayed would come faster.
“I wanted to pick you up so I told Luna not to worry about you.”
With her eyes still closed and half unconscious she nodded her head. A small part of her wondered why but she was sleeping before she could ask.
**Lexas POV**
She parked outside of Clarke and Lunas apartment unsure of what to do. She had wanted to pick up Clarke so they could talk about the letter. Now obviously wasn’t a good time for that, she was worried. She had never seen Clarke like this, she looked so hollow, as if she was just a body and the part of her that made her who she was had disappeared. She wondered if she looked like that sometimes.
The thought brought Costia to her mind and the instant guilt she felt for being with Clarke. She took a deep breath, Costia would want her to be happy. She looked over to Clarke, she would want her to fall in love again. Loving Clarke didn’t mean she never loved Costia or that she still didn’t but it was time and she was trying.
Clarkes phone began vibrating in her bag and Lexa looked at her quickly before reaching for it. Her mom. She didn’t know if she should pick it up, let her mom leave a voicemail, or wake Clarke up.
She picked it up.
“Hello?”
“Clarke?”
“Umm no it’s Lexa actualy. I just picked her up, we are in the car still. She fell asleep. Is everything okay?”
She looked over to see she hadn’t woken Clarke up.
“Yes, we just wanted to make sure she made it safely.”
She nodded her head and then remembered Mrs.Griffin couldn’t see her.
“She is ma’am.” She heard her laugh and mutter ma’am. She heard who she thought was Clarkes dad laugh in the background. Then he was on the phone.
“Lexa?”
“Yes ser?”
“First off it’s Jake. Second I need you to take care of my girl. I… it wont be long now and she can’t do this alone no matter how hard she may try or how strong she is…. She told me you lost your dad.”
She couldn’t say anything for a moment with a flash of her father in her mind, he was her hero.
“I did.”
“Then you know what this feels like for her kind of.”
“Yes. I’m here for her. I know I haven’t been but I am now. I mean…” She looked over at Clarkes sleeping form next to her, she looked as if she was trying to curl into herself in her sleep. She reached over and moved some blonde hair out of her face. “She is my best friend after all.”
**Clarkes POV**
“Come on Griffin, we need to get you upstairs.” She closed her eyes tighter trying to block the voice out. “Come on Clarke, will I have to carry you?”
She opened her eyes slowly so see Lexa watching her closely. She shook her head no and unbuckled her seat belt. Before she could move though Lexa got out of the car and ran over to her side opening the door for her and reaching for her bag. She held out her hand for her to take.
She stared at Lexas hand for a moment and then at her face. Lexa was watching her with such gentleness, she reached forward and grabbed it letting Lexa pull her up and towards the building. She was so tired she almost didn’t realize Lexa didn’t let go until they stood in front her actual apartment door so she could open it. Even then she grabbed it right away again leading Clarke to her room.
“Do you want to shower or just go to bed?”
She shrugged her shoulders. Lexa stared at her a moment and her eyes lit up quickly. She moved closer and sniffed her which took her by surprise causing her to take a step back. Lexa scrunched her face up but couldn’t hide the small smirk.
“I’d go with shower if I were you.”
She felt herself letting out a small smile before shoving Lexas shoulder lightly. She walked to her drawer grabbing some clothes before walking towards the shower. She turned to see Lexa walking to her dresser and picking up one of the bracelets and examining it.
“Thank you Lexa.”
Lexa looked at her with a smile. She walked to her bed and sat down fumbling to put the bracelet on. She couldn’t move for a moment just watching what Lexa was doing.
“You don’t have to-“
Lexa huffed and rolled her eyes. “Go shower, I will be here when you get out.”
She nodded and took a few steps. “Really?”
Lexa didn’t answer right away so she turned and saw her studying her. She felt extremely exposed as Lexa tilted her head as if thinking of something. Lexas eyes snapped to hers suddenly.
“I promise.”