Chapter 23
**Lexas POV**
She walked along trying to clear her head, heart pounding as it always was in this dream. This nightmare.
She needed to find her, she needed to save her. She never did. Every time she felt the pull telling her not to walk away, yet she could never stop herself, she couldn’t change the decision she made then. But she always tried, she had to.
So she went to the rode, the same one every time. She saw the big truck driving down the road. She turned and watched as Costia drove, she stood so far but could see her so clearly. She stepped between them as they got closer and closer.
Costias eyes widened as she realized the truck was heading straight towards her. She tried to turn out of way. Lexa prayed that this time it would work. This time the dream would end differently. This time she wouldn’t be left all alone.
It never ended that way. She closed her eyes squeezing them tight. When she opened them she was in the car. She looked to the divers side unable to stop herself.
But it was different this time, this time it was Clarke. Her heart began beating faster and faster as she turned and saw the truck getting closer and closer. This couldn’t be happening. But it was.
“Clarke! Stop the car!”
Costia usually never heard her, she didn’t expect Clarke to hear her but she did.
Clarkes head snapped over to look at her. Their eyes connected and she felt like she couldn’t breathe.
“Stop the car Clarke.”
Clarke looked from the truck that was slowly getting closer and closer as if time was slowing down so that this moment could happen. She turned back and looked at her this time with tears in her eyes.
“I can’t stop it.”
“Please try, please don’t leave me too.”
She felt tears streaming down her face. She watched as Clarkes fingers tightened around the steering wheel.
“I’m scared Lexa.”
She shook her head and tried to move to touch her but no matter how hard she tried she couldn’t move. Clarke stared out as the truck got closer.
“Don’t be scared, this isn’t real. It can’t be real. I’m right here with you, Clarke. I’m not going anywhere okay?”
Clarke turned to look at her.
“You aren’t here. You always leave.”
Before she could say anything she was out of the car once more standing on the side as the truck smashed into the small car.
“Clarke!” She dropped to her knees with tears streaming down her face knowing that just like Costia there was no way Clarke could have survived.
“Lexa! Please wake up.”
Her eyes snapped open and she sat up quickly. Luna scooted back to give her some room. She had tears streaming down her face.
Lexa reached forward and wiped the tears away with a small smile, that’s when she realized her own face was wet with her own tears. She wiped her face quickly.
“I’m sorry I woke you.”
Luna shook her head and lunged forward half on top of her in order to pull her into a hug. She scared her, she knew she did because she was completely terrified herself. Luna pulled away after a few moments with a small smile.
“Do you want me to get Clarke?”
At the sound of her name Lexa felt the fear she felt in the dream come back full force. She began to shake slightly. Luna stood up but she grabbed her hand before she could walk away.
“No, leave her. I’m okay really.”
Luna stared at her for a moment before nodding and sitting back down.
“You started saying her name over and over again. What happened in your dream?”
She shook her head. “I don’t want to talk about it.” She looked over and saw it six in the morning. She stood up and ran her fingers through her hair.
“Do you mind if I shower before I leave? I’m a mess.”
Luna just nodded her head and motioned for her to go over to the dresser. She wondered if it was weird that she still had a drawer full of clothes here or a toothbrush in the bathroom. Right now she was just grateful for it.
She walked towards the door and closed it behind herself before taking a deep breath in. She glanced towards Clarke room, every part of her wanted so bad to go and just lay down with her to see that she was okay. But that wouldn’t be fair to her, she couldn’t play with Clarkes emotions without figuring out her own.
Because she forgave Clarke for Niylah, she really did but something inside of her was holding back, something kept her from giving Clarke her all. She didn’t know how to change that. Blaming it on Clarke being with Niylah was wrong because that was like her trying to make a healed scar bleed again.
She stepped into the bathroom and took all of her clothing off staring at herself in the mirror, eyes swollen from tears she couldn’t remember shedding.
She turned the water on and closed the curtain, turning the water on as hot as it could possibly go. It burned her skin and she wondered if the dream would have went on if she would have seen Costias car burst into flames.
She sunk down to the shower floor, pulling her knees up so she could lay her head on them. She closed her eyes wishing her mind would stop playing the dream over and over again. She just wanted to scream.
She didn’t hear a knock on the door, she didn’t hear when it opened. She realized someone else was there only when the shower curtain was pulled back and Luna looked at her as if she was broken.
Luna crouched down leaning on the edge of the tub to lift her face.
“Lexa?”
She closed her eyes and once again felt the tears begin to fall.
“Can you get out?”
She shook her head no.
Luna nodded her head and grabbed a towel. She turned the shower off and placed the towel over her shoulders, a part of her wanted to laugh at the gesture, it wasn’t as if Luna didn’t know her body as much as she did herself.
But then Luna climbed into the tub fully clothed and sat behind her one leg on either side of her body pulling her into her. Trying to comfort her.
“What happened in the dream, maybe if you tell me I can help you.”
She didn’t say anything for a few minutes and Luna didn’t push her. She was trying to be brave to be strong.
“When I have bad dreams they are always watching Costia die. They have happened ever since that night. Sometimes I can go a really long time without having one. They are usually exactly the same. It hurts Luna.” She closed her eyes wishing she could disappear or rip her heart out of her chest. Would it hurt as much if it were outside of her body?
“This dream started like the others, leaving Costia only to watch from the side of the road as the truck gets closer. I always try and make myself stay with her but it never works I can never choose what I do. I saw her when she noticed the truck from her car, the fear in her face. Then I usually am in the car with her for her last seconds and they seem to always slow down and I watch as she cries. She died crying because of me.”
Still Luna said nothing. Just squeezed her a little tighter. She wasn’t sure but it felt like Lunas arms were the only thing keeping her body from shattering into a million pieces. She took a deep breath and went on.
“Except when I was in the car it wasn’t her it was Clarke. She was so scared and I couldn’t do anything to save her. I didn’t think the dream could ever get worse but tonight it did. I tried to tell her it would be okay that I was there for her but she said I wasn’t because all I ever do is leave, and she was right Luna. That’s why Costia died because I left her, I was selfish and stupid. And now I’m hurting Clarke too.”
She couldn’t hold it in anymore she began sobbing her body shaking in Lunas arms as she let every emotion that she tried so hard to always fight to always hide, the loss, the fear, the loneliness. Luna didn’t say anything she just held her until she could breathe again.
“Can I tell you something?”
She nodded her head.
“I think I knew even before we started dating that you could never love me the way I loved you. But sometimes when you were really sad you would look at me and smile and I would think maybe I can make her happy.”
She looked over shoulder and gave her a small smile, “You did.”
Luna nodded her head and returned the smile. “I still knew though, I just wished I could change it. It wasn’t my fault you didn’t love me that way, it wasn’t even Clarkes. I think that’s what this is Lexa.”
Luna took a deep breath taking a moment before going on. “You are still in love with Costia, that’s why we didn’t work, not because of Clarke, because honestly I think that’s why you push her away too. I think you’re scared because you love Clarke too, I can tell you do because you look at her how I used to wish you would look at me but then its like you realize it and you shut down.”
“In your dream, Costia turns into Clarke and you lose both of them in that one instant, that one accident. You are going to lose Clarke because you won’t let go of Costia. I don’t think you can handle losing her Lexa, you can’t let your soulmate go a second time.”
She wanted to rip herself out of Lunas arms because this wasn’t what she wanted to hear. Luna loosened her grip once she stopped speaking as if she expected her to bolt. Because that’s what she always did, not this time though.
“You can’t have two soulmates, saying Clarke is mine is basically saying Costia wasn’t.” She turned so she could look into Lunas eyes. “Costia was my soulmate.”
“Well then I think you are very lucky to have two Lexa.”
“That’s not possible.”
Luna stood up and bent down making her stand to. She tightened the towel around herself as Luna stepped out of the tub pulling her with her.
“What does your heart tell you?”
She didn’t say anything out loud because she knew Luna already knew the answer, one she wished she could have kept down and buried, because the truth was she was in love with Clarke Griffin, she felt like she had been her entire life and by feeling that way she felt as if she were betraying the woman she could never seem to let go.