Chapter 22
**Lexas POV**
She couldn’t take it anymore she was dying, she was going to lose both feet. She huffed and stared at her feet as if they were betraying her.
“Ready to switch?”
She looked up and saw Clarke watching her with an amused expression. She rolled her eyes and shifted her weight to one foot trying her best not to wince but failing completely.
“I’m fine.”
“I know you enough to know you’re not.”
“I’m going home soon. I can make it.”
Clarke watched her for a moment before shrugging her shoulders. “You are hurting yourself more than me by being stubborn.”
She glared at Clarke who was smiling at her, but she held the glare for too long because Clarkes smile dropped a moment later and that questioning look on her face came back as if she didn’t know what to do.
She sighed and lifted one leg up to be able to take her shoe off. Clarke did the same with some hesitation.
When she was no longer being tortured by the shoes and wore Clarkes instead she sighed in slight relief. Switching from one heal to another wasn’t going to fix the problem one hundred percent but it helped a lot.
She watched as Clarke put her shoes on without saying another word.
“Thank you.”
Clarke looked up and nodded her head but her smile was still gone. Raven came bounding over to them obviously intoxicated as Roan followed behind her with an amused expression. When Raven got close enough she threw her arms around both of their shoulders.
“So now that you guys know how to play nice we need to start planning my birthday! Oh and we can finally go back to having just one group chat!”
She looked at Clarke over Raven head who had the same confused expression that she was sure she did.
“You had two different group chats?”
Raven nodded her head. “Do you know how annoying it is to have the same conversations twice?”
“You guys didn’t have to do that.”
Raven nodded her head. “We did, we did it for you and then we can’t talk to you about clarkes dad so.” She shrugged her shoulders and froze her eyes widening her head turning to see Clarke whose eyes were wider before she cooled her features.
“Your dad?”
Clarke didn’t look at her but instead glared at Raven who had let go of both of them. “I didn’t mean to I swear oh my god.”
Roan walked over seeing Raven was in distress and took one of her hands in his own. He must have overheard what happened because he looked at Clarke apologetically.
“Lets let these two talk. I’m going to drop Raven off and I will take Anya back to our place too.”
She just nodded her head watching as Clarkes face seemed to have a million emotions flashing.
Roan and Raven walked towards Anya who seemed to be getting along well with Luna and her date.
She breathed in deeply motioning for Clarke stand where she was and walked over to get their coats. She held both of their coats and stood across the garden taking a deep breath in and watching Clarke from far.
This is what she had wanted, to know. Now she was scared, because here was this girl who she had pushed away for months to protect herself. She knows she hurt Clarke by doing so, Clarke hurt her too. Yet Clarke was going through something she had no idea about. This tug of war between them had been exhausting and she just wanted it to end and what if by listening to Clarke tonight she was throwing herself back in.
Was that something she could survive? She didn’t know but she was going to try anyway. She wasn’t here to be with Clarke but she wanted to know, she wanted to know everything before she hurt the girl standing waiting for her because that was her instinct one that she couldn’t seem to shake. Protect Clarke Griffin, but at what price, was she willing to lose herself in the process?
She shook her head, she was strong, she could do this. She walked over to Clarke who hadn’t moved at all. She passed her, her coat and put her own on. Once Clarke closed hers they began walking out of the garden. She didn’t know where they were going. So she walked out of the garden, she knew it wouldn’t be long before the zoo closed. She began walking towards sea lions knowing there would be plenty of benches in that area.
When they got there she sat down and waited for Clarke to sit next to her. Neither had spoken the entire walk. When Clarke sat she turned so she could see her face trying to let her know she was waiting.
**Clarkes POV**
Her heart was beating fast since the moment Raven uttered those words. She wasn’t ready, she hated having everyones pity, but having Lexas pity would be worst of all. She felt weak already she didn’t want people looking at her as if they knew she was.
When Lexa sat and turned to her she couldn’t do the same. She didn’t want to this.
“Clarke?”
She winced at the sound of Lexas voice.
“Please talk to me.”
She almost laughed out loud at the words because that is what she had been wishing for from Lexa for months.
“My dad is dying Lexa.”
She saw Lexa snap back in her peripheral vision.
“How?”
“Does it matter? It’s happening and its terminal.”
She waited for the I’m sorry that she got from everyone as of they had poisoned him months ago or something. It never came. Lexa just sat back seeming to get more comfortable, not saying another word. She was waiting for something but it seemed as if nothing was going to happen.
They sat in silence for about twenty minutes, her heart had finally calmed down and she felt relaxed enough to sit back. The announcement came that the park would be closing in the next fifteen minutes. Yet still Lexa said nothing.
“That’s it?”
Lexa turned and looked at her but it was the same way she had been looking at her all night, a slight curiousness to her eyes yet guarded at the same time. She missed the way she would look at her before, like she saw the world when she saw her. How her nose would scrunch when she smiled really big. Or how she looked so young when she was sleeping, it made her want to do anything she could to protect her yet she had hurt her. It was beginning to feel like she would never see her that way again.
“I can’t do anything to change what is happening, and it sounds like neither can you. Sometimes that’s just how life is and you have to be strong enough to survive it.”
She felt tears coming to her eyes.
“I don’t think I’m strong enough Lexa. I’m not sure I can do this alone.”
She turned to see Lexa giving her a sad smile. “You have been surviving it.”
She shook her head. “I found out after you left, you weren’t here that’s how I…. why I was sleeping with Niylah. I’m not good at death.”
“Are you sleeping with anyone now or drinking like you were then?”
She shook your head.
“Why did you stop?”
“For you. I need you and I will do what I have to because I don’t think I can do it without you Lexa. I need you.”
She watched as Lexa closed her eyes and took a deep breathe in. She didn’t say anything and her heart was pounding once again.
“You don’t need me. You are strong Clarke, you always have been, don’t be better for me. Be better for yourself because you deserve to have a good life Clarke, you deserve to do more than survive with or without me.”
Her eyes widened at her words because though it felt like a rejection it was so much more. Since all of this happened she had focused on being better for Lexa. But…… Lexa was right she deserved to be happy with or without her. She had found happiness in moments over the months none having to do with Lexa. She smiled remembering them.
Lexa was watching her to see how she would react but she was honestly just trying to process what she said still. So she just nodded her head.
“Tell your dad…. I don’t know. Tell him you aren’t alone.”
She turned to see what that meant.
“I don’t know how we do this but we are driving our friends crazy. So just maybe we don’t make them do separate crap so we… so I won’t see you?”
She nodded her head. She could definitely do that. She smiled slightly. “One group chat?”
Lexa gave a light laugh, “Yes one group message.”
The last announcement came saying that the zoo was officially closed. They both stood at the same time and began walking towards the exit.
“How did you get here?”
“I drove.”
Her eyesbrows shot up. “Drove what?”
Lexa smirked at her over her shoulder. “I finally got a car again.”
“You haven’t had a car since Costia though.”
She saw Lexa falter in her footsteps when she said Costias name and she regretted saying that almost immediately.
“I’m sorry.”
Lexa shook her head. “It’s fine. You’re right.”
They walked in silence towards the parking lot. When they got to the car she whistled out loud. Lexa rolled her eyes and unlocked the doors. They both got in and before Lexa could start driving she asked what had been on her mind all night.
“You never told me you were engaged.” Okay maybe more of a statement then a question.
Lexa looked at her. Her expression was hard to read because of how dark it was. But she took a deep breath leaning back in her seat releasing the wheel.
“No, I didn’t.”
“Why?”
“Because me and Costia, that’s for me to remember and no one else.”
“You don’t have to deal with the loss of her on your own.”
“I have done it this long I can continue to do it.”
She turned and reached for Lexas hand hesitating only a moment when Lexa didn’t move away from her. She squeezed her hand.
“Lexa just because you are strong doesn’t mean you have to be all the time.”
Lexa snatched her hand away quickly once she had let the words out.
“There is no other way for me, this is how I survive.”
“Why do you think I deserve more than just surviving but you don’t?”
**Lexas POV**
“Why do you think I deserve more than just surviving but you don’t?”
She didn’t say anything, she didn’t know what to say. So she started driving. Clarke didn’t push her to answer either which she appreciated.
She parked outside of Clarkes building, wondering if Luna was home yet. Clarke didn’t make a move to get up. She looked like she wanted to say something so she waited taking out her phone to text Luna.
Lexa: You home yet?
She got an instant reply.
Luna: Yes
Luna: Still with Clarke?
Lexa: Yes. We are downstairs in the car. I’m tired.
Luna: Come up, sleep over.
She looked over at Clarke for a moment. She really didn’t feel like driving home. She took her keys out. Clarke watched her with curiousity.
“Luna said Icould stay over…. If that’s okay with you?”
Clarke nodded her head but didn’t move.
“The letter?”
She looked at Clarke and shook her head.
“Why?”
“Soon, Clarke just not yet…. Promises still stand?”
Clarke nodded her head.
She doesn’t know why she asked that because she was pretty sure what those promises were.
“If you find someone you can fall in love with don’t wait for me okay?”
“Lexa.”
She shook her head quickly but Clarke continued.
“I can’t fall in love with anyone Lexa, I’m in love with you.”
Your heart began pounding everything in you said yes but apart of your heart, the one that would forever belong to Costia said no. That part of your head that remembered seeing Clarke with Niylah said no, the part that said you couldn’t do this again said no. So you shook your head no.
“Don’t be in love with me.”
Even with the darkness around her, she could see Clarke glare at her. “Don’t tell me what to feel. But you were right earlier, I can be okay without you, I have been in this time, I was before I met you. Loving you doesn’t make me weak it makes me stronger.”
She shook her head and leaned forward pressing it to the wheel. “I can’t Clarke. Please don’t push this, please don’t”
Clarke stood silent but put her hand on her shoulder.
“I won’t push you. Not on this ever, if you ever want to be with me that way I want you to do it because you want to and that’s it. I can take whatever you give me Lexa nothing more.”
“Damn it Clarke don’t just sit here waiting for me. It isn’t fair to you. It will just make me feel guilty. It will make me resent you.”
She didn’t mean to yell she didn’t but it felt as if there was something sitting on her chest making it hard for her to breathe.
She waited for her to yell back because this is what they did this was the tug of war she wanted nothing to do with.
“Lexa?” She lifted her head to look at Clarke. “My dad is dying, I’m not going to focus on finding someone new to fall in love with. I’m also not going to be spending my time chasing you, I have bigger things to worry about. I don’t need to go out with guys or girls I just need my friends and I want that to include you again. I’m not asking you to love me the way I love you.”
With that Clarke opened her door and stepped out of the car. She walked up towards the building door and stood there holding the door waiting for her to follow. She opened her own door and did.
When they got upstairs she went straight to Lunas room closing the door behind herself and taking a deep breath in. Luna rolled over and looked at her pointing towards her dresser. She nodded and grabbed some pajamas putting them on.
She climbed into the bed.
“How did it go?”
She closed her eyes and moved closer to Luna seeking out her warmth.
“Atom seems nice.”
Luna smiled, the smile that used to be reserved for her.
“You like him a lot, don’t you?”
Luna nodded her head and ducked it under the covers.
Lexa smiled and ducked her own head under.
“I’m happy for you.”
Luna turned her head so they were looking at each other.
“Yeah?”
“Yes.” She leaned forward and pressed a kiss to Lunas forehead.
“You and Clarke?”
Lexa shrugged her shoulders.
“Will she make you happy?”
Lexa shrugged her shoulders.
“Shes a good friend.”
Lexa rolled her eyes. “I know.”
“So maybe you start there.”