Chapter 19
**Two Weeks later**
**Lexas POV**
She sat on the couch looking around, it felt weird to be spending her weekends here again but it also felt very right.
She was lost as to what was happening in the movie. She tossed her phone from hand to hand, she wanted to speak to her, as the time has gone by her heart has felt lighter calmer. She was sure if she was ready yet. Was it still too soon?
Everytime she wanted to talk to her she almost did, it was getting harder and harder. She opened the notes section on her phone and began typing.
I miss asking you what you are doing, why haven’t you tried calling or texting me?
She scrolled through the note that had begun weeks ago, everything she wanted to tell her she wrote down there and it helped her.
Yesterdays notes.
Why do you spend every weekend with your parents now?
Five Days ago.
I wonder if I will ever not love you?
A week ago.
Am I ready to see you without simply falling back into your arms? What is in the letter?
The damn letter she always wanted to open, it kept her up sometimes wondering what it said. But she knew more than anything that she wasn’t ready to read it. But the one question she wrote every single day for the last three weeks without fail was…
What is happening to you? Everyone says you are going through something.. What is it Clarke? Can I fix it? Do you need me? Will I ever not want to make sure you are okay?
She couldn’t focus on the damn movie. The thought of Clarke had slowly no longer caused her pain just a want. She wanted to know now, she thinks she was ready, nothing more than knowing. She didn’t have to see her she didn’t even have to talk to her.
She reached forward for the remote and paused the movie. Luna just looked at her curiously and turned so they were facing eachother.
“What is happening with her?”
Luna looked around the apartment as if she were thinking.
“I can’t tell you.”
“So you know?”
Luna nodded and stood up walking away from her towards her room. She stood sitting for a moment before she felt anger rise. She stood up and stormed into Lunas room.
“Tell me.”
Luna looked up from her own phone for a moment taking the sight of her in.
“She told me not to, she told all of us not to.”
“Who knows?”
“Everyone.”
She began pacing in the small room. Her heart began to race faster and faster, what if something was really wrong with her and she had spent the last month focused on herself and Clarke actually needed her.
“What if she needs me?”
Luna watched her and padded the bed next to her. She felt tears begin to fill her eyes even though everything she had told herself in the last month was supposed to stop this. These emotions that Clarke seemed to constantly bring out of her. Luna wrapped her arms around her.
“She doesn’t want you coming to her rescue Lexa. If you go back to her she wants it to be because you want to not because you feel like you have to. She is keeping it from you to protect you. She…… she is figuring out how to be strong on her own, let her.”
She nodded her head and let herself be calmed by Lunas touch.
“Has she been drinking?”
She felt Luna shake her head no. “No, I don’t know how she was before but the only time I have seen her drink since being back is a beer with Lincoln and Octavia the other night.”
She needed to ask she had to, it had been eating at her for weeks. “Is she still seeing Niylah?”
“She isn’t she has made it clear that she will not be seeing anyone any time soon.”
She nodded her head and stood up. “Lets finish the movie, I’m getting tired and should head out soon.” She should leave before Clarke got back tonight.
“You aren’t watching it Lexa.” She shrugged her shoulders and walked back to the living room waiting for Luna to sit before pressing play.
She thought she was going to fall asleep but when she looked over at Luna twenty minutes later she was the one who was knocked out. She smiled and turned the television off reaching over and grabbing the blanket that was always there and covered her.
She sat there a few minutes knowing she should leave watching as the minutes passed by. She stood up and walked towards Clarkes room. This was a little creepy wasn’t it? If Clarke saw her it would be weird.
But she knew Clarke wouldn’t be home for another hour, she had gotten used to knowing when she had to leave to avoid her.
She went and sat on the bed, noting that their bracelets still had yet to be moved. She grabbed one and put it on. She laid down and grabbed a pillow breathing it in. She was being weak but being weak had never felt so right. She just laid there wanting to never get up because this felt like home. Clarke felt like home and sometimes all she ever wanted to do was go home.
She closed her eyes for a moment she swore it was just a moment but when she opened them again almost two hours had passed. She jumped up and walked into the livingroom grabbing her stuff, Luna was still asleep.
Before she could reach the door though she heard a key going in and the locks being turned. Her heart stopped beating, she couldn’t breathe, she couldn’t move.
**Clarkes POV**
She just wanted to get in bed she was exhausted. It had been a good weekend, her dad had a good weekend. That made her smile, things were going okay, she found happy moments in the last couple of weeks. It was hard but she was doing it.
She walked up the stairs one at a time too tired to rush. She stood outside her door for a moment taking a deep breathe in. She began taking off her boots that were covered in snow as she was opening the door. She bent down as she opened the door so she could take them off and when she looked up she froze in her movements.
“Lexa.” She breathed her name out before she could think. She took a step forward bringing them closer, she didn’t say anything else. She just watched and read the emotions that flashed across Lexas face as they stared at eachother.
She took another step forward but froze as Lexa took a step back. She looked as if she were in physical pain being so close to her. She took a step back and saw her physically relax a bit.
“I was just leaving…. I meant to leave earlier but I fell asleep.”
She nodded her head and realized she was blocking the door so she stepped to the side leaving Lexa room to walk but she didn’t make another move to leave. They stood there staring at each other.
“Lexa?”
“Stop.” She didn’t know what to say she hadn’t done a thing, she was doing everything right wasn’t she? She had been trying to do everything right. She stared at Lexa everything about her was beautiful everything in her told her this was the person she was meant to be with for the rest of her life. But she needed to deserve her to not push to let Lexa figure out if she wanted her too.
“Stop what?”
“Saying my name, just stop. Please.” She nodded her head and they stood there.
“Do you want something?”
She swore she could see tears brimming her eyes, she raised a hand to reach out to her but Lexa physically flinched away and she dropped her hand as fast as she had raised it.
“Are you okay?”
The question took her by surprise. She glanced towards the couch where she saw Luna was sleeping and she just watched her chest rise and fall before looking back towards Lexa.
“She won’t tell me what is going on. You told her not to which means no one will probably tell me.”
She nodded her head she had told everyone not to.
“They won’t.”
She saw a flash of anger in the green eyes she was getting lost in and it brought her back.
“So you tell me.”
She shook her head no. “Are you actually ready to talk to me or do you just want to know. I don’t want your pity Lexa I want you. I want you to want me, to forgive me, to give me a chance because you want to.”
Lexa stared at her. “I can’t be with you.”
She felt her heart clench and leaned back against the wall to hold her up.
“It isn’t because of…. Its not because of Niylah. I just can’t, I can’t do this again Clarke. I had one great love you know? Maybe that can be enough for me.”
“Don’t you deserve better than that? Don’t we?” Lexa shrugged her shoulders and looked away.
“Niylah and me it was stupid, I know it was. I shouldn’t have ignored you, I know it’s my fault. You asked me to wait and I didn’t. I just knew you left with her and then…. I just couldn’t. I was weak. I want to be strong now Lexa.”
Lexa still wasn’t looking at her. “Stop talking about Niylah. We weren’t together we are different people, just because I wasn’t sleeping with… when I care for someone really care for them I can’t be with anyone else that’s just how I am. I assumed the same thing for you so seeing you together… I don’t know if you felt what I felt for you Clarke I don’t. But that isn’t the point anymore. Maybe one day we can be friends but that isn’t today.”
She felt tears begin sliding down her face, she watched as Lexa clenched and unclenched her hands as if she was unsure of what she should do.
She quickly wiped the tears away.
“Did you ever read the letter?”
“I’m not ready to.”
She nodded her head. “When you do, if you do, know that I mean every word I say in it and I’m going to keep every promise.”
Lexa nodded her head. She closed her coat the rest of the way and walked towards the door.
“Goodbye Clarke.”
Lexa opened the door and closed it behind herself. Clarke walked towards the door and leaned her forehead against it.
“Goodbye Lexa.”
**Lexas POV**
She leaned back against the door trying to find the strength to walk away.
“Goodbye Lexa.”
She closed her eyes and held her breathe until she heard Clarkes footsteps walking away from the door.
When she got home Lincoln and Roan were watching football on the couch. She sat next to them without saying a word. When the game was over Lincoln turned towards her with a serious expression.
“I have to talk to you.” She nodded her head for him to go on.
“I’m planning on doing something, something big and I want everyone to be there. You Raven, Roan, Bellamy, Clarke. I need to do something and you and Clarke both need to be there.”
She didn’t understand what he was talking about but stood quiet so he would continue talking. The thought of seeing Clarke again made her heart beat faster, her heart always seemed to betray her.
“I’m going to ask Octavia to marry me.”