Chapter 18
**One Week Later**
**Clarkes POV**
A week is a long time, a lot can happen in it. She looks out her window watching the people walk by, each has their own life, each their own story, some are in love, some are busy hating.
She herself is in love but she is pretty sure the girl she is in love with hates her. She hasn’t tried calling her because she is too scared, everyone says Lexa will speak to her when she is ready but what if she never does?
Her instincts tell her to push, to show up at her door again until Lexa listens to her, until she can see her with her own eyes and know she hasn’t broken the most amazing person she has ever known. Her instincts though, they are what got her into this mess.
She wants to fight Lexa and tell her that her father is dying that Lexa cannot blame her for what she did but that is wrong. That would be manipulative and she can’t do that to her because she deserves better. She wants to yell at her that they weren’t together that she didn’t know her and Luna had broken up but she knows that she had ignored her own heart and pushed Lexas to the side by sleeping with Niylah.
She sighed loudly. She still needed to talk to Niylah to apologize because Niylah was kind and she had taken advantage of her. She had used her and thrown her to the side as if she were nothing which wasn’t fair.
She stood up and walked to her closet throwing on a pair of leggings and a tshirt, surprisingly she still had some that weren’t covered in paint.
Her phone vibrated and she half ran to it, always hoping it would be Lexa ready to talk to her. It never was.
Luna: Are you home?
Luna had told her she was coming home soon, she just hadn’t realized how soon.
Clarke: I was just heading out, do you want me to wait for you?
Luna: No. We will meet up at another time…. I just need to pick some things up. I’m going to staying somewhere else for a bit.
She felt her heart ache, she should have known why Luna was coming home so soon.
Clarke: Lexa?
She almost expected Luna not to answer her but she did.
Luna: Yes.
Clarke: Are you guys…
Luna: No.
She felt herself sigh out in relief, Lexa hadn’t run back to Luna, at least not in that way which had crossed her mind since that day.
Clarke: Tell her I’m sorry.
Luna: That isn’t my job… She doesn’t want to talk to you and I am not going to push her or send messages for you. I am respecting her wishes. You should too.
She didn’t know what to say to that. She felt empty without Lexa and the feeling was only getting worse the longer she went without her.
Clarke: Okay.
She walked to her dresser looking down at the bracelets in front of her, the ones she had hidden since Luna had left, the ones that taunted her every day since she took them back out.
She sat down quickly at her desk quickly pulling out a piece of paper. She wouldn’t ambush her, she wouldn’t call her or even text her. She would write her a letter and leave it here, Lexa only had to read if she wanted to, it was an offer nothing more.
She wrote everything down, everything she felt, everything she thought everything she wished she could tell her if she was standing in front of her right now, she wrote an offer, a promise, one she swore she would keep for as long as she could.
When she looked up from the letter she saw that a lot more time had passed than she had thought, and she had better get going before Luna showed up with Lexa. They would think she stood on purpose to make Lexa see her, she wanted to, but she wouldn’t.
She quickly placed the letter in an envelope, writing Lexas name on it and grabbed her winter coat and boots.
She made it downstairs and turned to begin walking in the direction towards the coffee shop when she heard the voice that she wished she could hear for days now. She spun around to see Lexa helping Luna out of a cab.
“Make it fast.”
“Come up with me.”
Lexa had her hands shoved in her pockets and she wished she could see her face more than anything, but Lexa had her back towards her.
“I can’t, you know I cant.”
“She isn’t there Lex.”
She heard Lexa sigh, they stood less than ten feet away from each other, she was so close to her and for the first time in a while she could breathe like actually breathe.
She took a step forward and her eyes connected with Lunas for a moment, Lexa was looking at the ground, Luna subtly shook her head no before lifting Lexas chin so that she was looking at her.
“I swear she isn’t upstairs, we will be in and out, I just need some things.”
She saw Lexa barely nod her head. She took that as her cue to walk and it took all of her strength to walk away, to put distance between her and the girl she wanted more than she had ever wanted anyone else in her life.
Lexa seemed better than the last time she had spoken to her, that was something. But it hurt her hearing from Lexas own mouth that she basically did not want to see her or even put herself in a situation where she might have to.
Would she ever get the chance to see her or talk to her let alone actually be with her?
She began her walk towards the café once again trying to figure out what it was she was exactly going to tell Niylah. Sorry I used you for sex and treated you like crap but I was basically having a mental breakdown.
She stood outside of the café looking in deciding if she should actually go in or just head home. She couldn’t go home yet though, Lexa was still there most likely and the letter she left, she hoped Lexa would read it at least. Her decision was made for her when her stomach growled loudly.
When she stepped in she automatically spotted Niylah behind the counter working on coffee orders, she knows she should just go sit down and not interrupt but the guilt is eating at her. She was being selfish right now because if she was Niylah she wouldn’t want to see herself. She had to make things right though.
So she walked up to the counter, Niylah spoke to her without looking at her.
“Hey, can I I get you anything?”
If she wasn’t so stubborn she would have walked away at the glare Luna had pointed at her after she almost snapped her head to make sure she heard right.
“I’m working Clarke.”
“I know but I need to apologize for what happened.”
Niylah had stopped all her movements and just simply glared at her. A man next to them was watching them and pointed to the cup in Niylahs hand with a shrug.
She felt her cheeks turn a light pink in embarrassment.
Niylah turned away from her continuing to work and ignore as if she wasn’t there. After a few minutes of this she huffed. “Will you just go wait over there?” She was pointing towards a seat in the corner. Clarke tried to give her a small smile but Niylah had already turned away from her once again.
She sighed and made her way over to the table. She took out her phone but had nothing to do with.
Clarke: How you feeling today?
Dad: It is a good day, I’m bothering your mom on purpose ;)
She smiled to herself and felt her eyes begin to water. She tried shaking her head, now wasn’t the time to do this, she had to keep it together. She wiped angrily at her eyes covering her face focusing on her breathing to try and calm the feeling in her gut.
She took a deep breathe in when she felt calm enough she moved her hands to see Niylah sitting across from her watching her curiously.
“What do you want Clarke?”
She placed her hands beneath the table clenching and unclenching them.
“I owe you an apology.”
Niylah raised an eyebrow at her and leaned back in her chair crossing her arms over her chest.
“For what exactly?”
She gulped and began speaking before thinking. “I used you for sex and I shoudnt have, I knew you liked me and I took advantage of it. I wa- am going through a tough time and I dragged you into it when I shouldn’t have. And then Lexa walked in and I was even worse to you because she wasn’t supposed to find out.”
Niylah continued to watch her. She leaned forward with her elbows on the table, “Lets be honest Clarke, you don’t egret the sex it was what you needed, you regret getting caught by her. If it was anyone else I’m pretty sure you wouldn’t have cared that much. But Lexa…. She was never just your friend was she?”
Clarke stared at her, her instinct told her to fight to deny it but could she really? “If I could take it back I would, I’d wait for her.”
“Would you have wanted her to see you that way? Think about it, you were always drinking, always convincing me to drink, we didn’t have sex sober. The marks we left on eachother, you would do that to her? It was always angry sex if you really think about it. But I was okay with it, I don’t really know you but I’m pretty sure that’s not who you really are Clarke, I can tell from just talking to you now. Just by looking at you actually.”
She was right, she would never do what she did with Niylah to Lexa. “The moment you saw her it was like something in you came back I saw it in your eyes. So don’t worry about me I’m not fragile I can handle myself we both got something we needed from each other, even exchange I’d say.”
Clarke studied her a bit. Niylah wasn’t the person she seemed to be when she first met her. She just seemed kind, smart, and funny. She hadn’t seen this side of her before, the strength the stubbornness.
So she just nodded her head and made to stand up but Niylah stood first. “You still need your muffin.”
**Lexas POV**
“I swear she isn’t upstairs, we will be in and out, I just need some things.”
She nodded her head and Luna moved her hand from her face giving her a small smile. Luna turned to talk towards the building and she went to grab her hand but Luna simply squeezed it quickly and let go looking around quickly.
She raised an eyebrow towards her in question but Luna just shrugged and walked past her into the building. She felt as if someone was watching her earlier, so she turned and looked up and down the block but saw no one she recognized. She shook her head at herself, maybe a part of her was secretly wishing Clarke was there. It was that part of her she was learning to ignore.
She walked into the building rushing to catch up to Luna who was waiting for her at the top of the stairs. When Luna stood at the door holding it open for her she froze, she didn’t want to go in. She knew Clarke wasn’t there but it felt weird, she was actually scared to go in.
But Luna just stood there holding the door for her to walk in so that’s what she did. She walked in and closed the door behind herself and Luna walked straight to her room. She stood near the doorway unsure of what to do, she looked around noticing an envelop on the kitchen that was propped up.
She walked over to it and her eyes widened when she realized it had her name on it. She stared at it for a moment unsure of what to do. She picked it up and ran her hands over her name, she knew what it was. Clarke.
She put the envelope in her coat pocket and walked towards Clarkes room. She had her hand on the door knob. She took a deep breathe in and turned it, apart of her swore she would still see Clarke and Niylah in bed but it was empty. Bed made new sheets from the ones that were on it a week ago.
She walked to Clarkes dresser and saw the bracelets sitting there. She picked one up and it took all of her strength to place it back down as she found it instead of taking it with her.
She turned and walked over to the bed sitting on the edge of it.
She sighed and laid back closing her eyes and imagined if things had gone the way she wished Clarke would be laying there next to her. But they didn’t and if she learned anything in the last week it was that she was weak and she could not afford to be weak anymore.
Letting someone have that kind of power over her made her weak and she refused to be weak to put everything she had into one person was a recipe for disaster she would only get hurt in the end or she would only hurt them. That’s just what love seemed to be now a tug of war neither ever wanting to hurt the other but pain it was bound to happen.
She could handle pain she had lost so much already, her father, her first love. Those loves were gone from her life because for some reason it had been time for them to go. Clarke had too much power over her, she could break her in an instant and that was not something she could live with. The possibility of feeling such pain again, she wouldn’t survive for a third time, death wasn’t the only way to lose someone and she would rather do it her way then have it decided for her. Clarke may have cared for her but it was not equal in strength to what she felt and that was a recipe for disaster.
For now she needed her space, to fall out of love with Clarke Griffin. Things would be better once she could do that. Sitting on her bed imagining what they could have been is not helping her in any way. She sat up and walked quickly out of the room and into Lunas. She was completely exhausted, she hadn’t been able to sleep well all week.
She threw herself onto the bed and curled herself around a body pillow listening as Luna rummaged around her room gathering everything she might need for the next few days. She was in that in between state of sleeping and being awake and was startled when Luna brushed her hair out of her face and whispered she was ready to go.
She pouted, “I’m sleepy.”
Luna gave her a sad smile and leaned forward pressing a kiss to her forehead. You can sleep when we get to your place Lex.
She watched as Luna pulled away, she sat up and stretched.
“I missed you when you were gone.”
Luna nodded her head, “I know.”
She stood up and began walking towards the door, Luna walking behind her silently. She turned around and surveyed the space around her.
“It is better than last time I was here.”
Luna shrugged her shoulders, “Octavia said Clarkes going through some stuff but she wasn’t specific about anything.”
She nodded her head, she hoped Clarke would be okay she really did, but sometimes you just have to put yourself first and that is what she was doing.
“Tell her I said thank you for not being here.”
Luna shook her head no. “ I will not tell her anything, if you want to speak to her you have her number Lexa. I will not play telephone between you two. It is uncomfortable.”
Lexa studied Lunas face and nodded her head. “I’m sorry. I don’t ever think how this makes you feel and that is unfair of me. You don’t have to come stay with me if you really don’t want to, I would understand.”
“If I don’t go with you then I came back for almost no reason Lexa. I came back to help you through this. That’s what friends are for.”
“You are a really great friend.”
Luna rolled her eyes and walked out of the door.
“Obviously.”
**One week later**
“So you guys are no longer dating?”
Lexa nodded in response and looked at all of their friends sitting around them. She noted how close her brother and Raven were to each other but decided not to comment.
“Yet Luna has basically moved in with you?”
She rolled her eyes and began putting her hair in a messy bun. “She has not moved in.”
She turned to Luna for back up but Luna just shrugged in response. She shoved her a little with her shoulder brining a small smile to her face.
“I’m going home tomorrow.”
“Have you told Clarke?”
She tried to tune out the conversation then but it wasn’t that easy.
“Me and Clarke have been texting, she knows.”
She looked at Luna then. She hadn’t known that the two had been in contact at all.
“Have you spoken to her Lexa?”
She shook her head no and stood up walking over to the refrigerator.
“Has she not tried texting or calling you?” Roan was being annoyingly persistent.
She shook her head no once again feeling everyones eyes on her as she opened the door and surveyed what they had in it.
No, Clarke hadn’t tried to call or text her, she was honestly surprised the blonde shown up at her door demanding to be listened to. Her mind flashed to the still closed letter in bottom drawer. She wasn’t ready to open it, she didn’t know if she ever would be.
She stayed looking into the fridge longer than necessary waiting for the conversation in the living room to have changed to a safer topic.
Soon it was time for everyone to go even Octavia wasn’t spending the night saying she and Raven had promised Clarke a girls nights since they had spent the day with Lexa and Clarke was set to visit her parents the rest of the weekend. Kind of like the children from a divorced family.
While everyone was saying their goodbyes Octavia pulled her in and whispered into her ear as she hugged her, “She is waiting for you, I know you don’t want to talk about her but I thought you should know.” She pulled away and acted as if she had heard nothing.
When Raven and Octavia left, her Roan, Luna and Lincoln squeezed onto the couch to watch a movie. But before they could press play Roan pulled a magazine out of his jacket pocket and told her to turn to page forty eight. She should have known not to because there she was a picture of her from one of her last shoots. The things she did to pay for school. She rolled her eyes and threw it towards him.
“You know I hate seeing the pictures!”
“You are just lucky I didn’t show the girls.”
Luna picked up the magazine and looked at the picture shrugging her shoulders, “At least you look good. I really don’t get why you don’t tell people. I mean honestly where do they all think you get money from?”
Roan laughed and said, “I’m pretty sure Raven think you are like some secret assassin or something equally as crazy.”
“I don’t want to be known for that.” She waved her hand towards the picture Lincoln was now looking at. “It is just to pay for school until I get my license as a lawyer, who would take me seriously if they knew about this crap?”
“Who is the girl in the picture with you?”
She looked over to see who they were talking about and she smiled instantly recognizing that face.
“Her name is Anya.”
Roan took the magazine from Lincoln. “She seems bitchy.”
Lexa laughed she had seen Anya a few days ago and they had exchanged numbers, Anya wasn’t like the other girls she didn’t really seem to care about the clothes they were made to wear and she wiped off makeup faster than Lexa did which was impressive.
“Oh she is a bitch but in the best way possible.”
She took out her phone thumbing through the contacts.
Lexa: The pictures from our first shoot together are out.
She got an almost instant reply
Anya: Tell me something that I care about?
She laughed out loud and covered her mouth when she realized everyone was watching her. She shrugged her shoulders and began writing her response.
Lexa: My brother says you look like a bitch. I told him you are :)
Anya: You know me so well already <3