Chapter 17
Surprisingly the shower and talk with her father had sobered her up some, enough so that she was scared to go back out and face Raven. She knew Raven wouldn’t let her go to bed without talking to her but she just wasn’t ready to talk about her dad. She didn’t want to talk about Lexa, she wanted to talk to her.
She sighed and looked down noticing she had stalled so much that her fingers were no longer wrinkled and her hair was almost dry. It was now or never, she had to face her sometime.
When she opened the door Raven looked away from the television, turning it off and motioning for her to come sit with her on the couch. She glanced from her to the door of her bedroom looking back at Raven to see her now glaring.
She sighed quietly and walked over to the couch sitting on the opposite end, as far from Raven as she could possibly get. Raven didn’t say anything she simply seemed to be waiting for something.
That something came as a knock on the door, Clarke couldn’t help but feel a glimmer of hope that it was Lexa coming to talk to her, to give her a chance to explain why she had been ignoring her and had been with Niylah.
Instead when Raven opened the door in sauntered Octavia with a glare of her own. She curled in on herself taking up as little room as possible. Octavia wasn’t even going to try and play nice, she sat on the coffee table directly in front of her arms crossed.
They stared at each other for a moment before Octavia raised an eyebrow at her almost daring her to hold her silence.
“Hey O.”
Wrong thing to say, definitely wrong thing to say.
“Hey O?! Are you serious Clarke? You disappear on us for weeks show up out of nowhere and all you have to say is Hey O?”
Octavias yelling was about to cause a headache and she really had been avoiding hangovers for a reason. She turned to Raven for help but Raven shrugged.
“I shouldn’t have ignored you guys, I’m sorry.”
Octavia glared at her still. “What made you appear today?”
She looked at her bedroom and began rubbing a hicky she knew was on her neck.
“Yeah you have enough of those to make question if they are hickys or if you really just got fucked up and the person missed your face.”
She couldn’t help but roll her eyes. “Lexa.”
Octavias eyes widened. “Lexa did that? What the fuck Clarke, how could you do that to Luna?!”
“Chill out Octavia and fucking listen.” Octavias eyes widened at Ravens outburst, but Clarke sent her a grateful look. She hadn’t had to tell anyone about her feelings or anything recently it was harder than she thought it would be.
“So you are going to let her off the hook that easily? What good reason could she possibly have?”
She wasn’t going to be able to hold it in, she felt tears beginning to come to her eyes, and she wondered how she had any left. Can you cry out alcohol?
“Maybe if you listened we would find out.”
“I call bullshit.”
“Stop being so damn hard headed for once Blake!”
She hated when they fought, they would stay mad at each other for days making her fix whatever the problem was for them each time, Clarke Griffin always trying to create peace. But she couldn’t do that right now, she could barely stop herself from physically shaking in this moment and before she could think about it words were coming out of her mouth like vomit.
“My dad is dying and I’m in love with Lexa.”
Raven and Octavia both whipped their heads to look at her and she had never felt like such a deer in headlights. Neither seemed to know what to say but then they glanced at each other seeming to communicate telepathically. They both turned to her at the same time but she raised her hand before either could say anything.
“I don’t want to talk about my father, just know that’s why I stopped talking to everyone, he isn’t doing good, I don’t know how much time I have left with him and I couldn’t handle it.”
“You are in love with Lexa?”
She looked at Octavia with grateful eyes and nodded her head.
“Are the hickies from her?”
Raven moved forward and pushed Octavia lightly. “Lexa isn’t like that so stop it, she wouldn’t do that to Luna.”
Octavia glared at her and looked between the two of them. “She obviously isn’t that good if she made Clarke fall in love with her while she is with Luna.”
Clarke watched as Raven stood silent, unable to think of way to defend Lexa.
“She didn’t make me do anything, if anything, I pursued her.”
“Look, I knew you didn’t like Luna when she first got here but why would you go that far Clarke?”
She looked away from both of them thinking of everything she had and tried to get Lexa to do while she was with Luna and she knew she was crap for it and it was never that she didn’t like Luna she just thought… she just felt like Lexa was hers from the moment they met.
“It’s not that I don’t like Luna, I mean who can actually not like Luna? I just, I love her, this is the first time I have ever really been in love…..and I messed it up.”
“What did you do her Clarke? I have never seen someone so broken.”
“So Lexa is back?”
Clarke and Raven nodded at the same time and when Clarke didn’t say anything else Raven took it as her cue to speak.
“I was with Roan at Lexas place hanging out when Clarke showed up drunk and demanding to see Lexa who wasn’t there. Lexa walks in drenched, she was shaking and had obviously been crying. Roan took one look at her and went to full on protective brother mode made her go to her room while this one started rattling that Lexa had chosen Luna and she wasn’t supposed to find out about something. That’s basically all I know.”
They both turned to her expectantly and she took a deep breathe in. “Lexa told me she chose me and told me to wait for her and she left with Luna. I found out about my Dad and she wasn’t here when I needed her so I stopped talking to her and all of you guys. I started drinking and sleeping with Niylah.” She cringed thinking about how she ended things with Niylah. “Who I also owe an apology to.”
Before she could say anything her phone began ringing and she basically jumped towards it hesitiaing before picking up when she saw who it was calling her.
“Luna?”
“Hi, well this is awkward but Lexa never let me know she got there and I’m kind of worried. Is she there?”
“She isn’t here but she did get to the city, she is probably home still.”
“Can you try calling her for me?”
“She isn’t going to answer for me either.”
There was a moment of silence when neither said anything and Octavia and Raven just stared at her confused.
“Look just take care of her, she tries to be tough but she is really sensitive, she has been through enough pain. If you cause her anymore I will hurt you Clarke.”
She couldn’t help the tears and tried to make it so her sniffling couldn’t be heard over the phone.
“Clarke?”
She gasped for air before answering. “I fucked up Luna, fucked up.”
“What did you do?”
“I can’t, she won’t forgive me, but I didn’t know.”
Octavia grabbed the phone away from her and quietly spoke to Luna.
“Yes, I know, I don’t know what happened yet I’m going to find out. Yes. I will check on her later.” There was some silence as Octavia listened and then began talking again. “How are you? Yeah I get it. I miss you. Let me know. Okay bye.”
Octavia hung up her phone and Raven moved closer to her rubbing small circles onto her back. Octavia looked at her and seemed to be confused with her emotions.
“She kept texting me and trying to call me but I ignored her because I was mad and hurt. I started sleeping with Niylah and Lexa walked in on us today. I have hurt her before I’ve done it on purpose because of being mad at her but I have never seen her like today. I pushed her too much I thought she chose Luna again and I couldn’t deal with it.
“Her and Luna broke up before they even made it to Lunas house, she was there as friend to her this whole time she did choose you.”
Clarke nodded her head as the stears streamed down her face.
“How do I fix this? Raven looked at her with side eyes and wiped a tear from her face.
“I don’t know if you can Clarke.”
**Lexas POV**
She layed under the covers, it had taken awhile for her to convince Roan she would be okay alone, but since he had left her she had been unable to sleep. Simply staring at the darkness around her.
When she heard a knock on her door she rolled her eyes wondering if Roan was going to check on her every few hours or something.
“Damn it Roan just leave me alone please!”
The door opened and she sat up ready to yell at him when Octavia walked into the room. It took her by so much surprise she didn’t say anything but just watched as Octavia closed the door behind herself and went to sit at her desk.
“What are you doing here?”
“Hello to you to Lexa. Long time no see.”
She just nodded her head feeling very suspicious, her and Octavia usually get along well with her being Lunas closest friend here but they had never actually been alone as far as she could remember.
“I’m really torn right now between wanting to yell at you or make you a snack or something to comfort you.”
She raised her eyebrow in confusion. “Explain.”
“Well I’m pretty sure you hurt Luna, I mean she really cared about you and you just pushed her to the side for Clarke.”
She felt her defenses going up and was ready to defend herself but Octavia just continued.
“Clarke is also a mess but that can’t be entirely blamed on you, I mean I get she hurt you too, she doesn’t think sometimes. Like if you are in love with one girl it isn’t okay to sleep around with another. But you guys aren’t together so it is kind of messy.”
She had stopped listening though, her mind had gone blank the moment Octavia had said in love.
“She’s in love with me?”
Octavia stopped rambling and her eyes widened. “I shouldn’t have said that.”
Her heart began beating faster and she felt like she couldn’t breather. How could Clarke claim to be in love with her?
“No she isn’t.”
Octavia just stared at her for a moment. “Yes she is, she has never really been in love before but she is now.”
She shook her head because that just didn’t make sense to her.
“You can’t be in love with someone and have sex with someone else, it doesn’t make sense. I couldn’t do that. She ignored me for days. How can you ignore someone you are in love with? She doesn’t love me Octavia.”
Octavia seemed to get angry then and she couldn’t figure out why until Octavia began yelling at her.
“You did it too! You slept with Luna while having feelings for Clarke. You can’t judge her on that!”
She shook her and looked away. “The moment I realized my feelings for Clarke were real I stopped having sex with Luna.”
Octavias eyes widened. “How could you get away with that?”
She shrugged, “Luna knew something was up, I was just wasn’t brave enough to choose between them, because I loved them both but differently. But I did Octavia, I got brave and I chose Clarke and I told her. I asked her to wait for me and she couldn’t do that. She couldn’t wait a few weeks, so no she doesn’t love me and I can’t give my all to someone like that.”
“You need to talk to her give her a chance Lexa.”
“I don’t have to do anything I don’t want to. I don’t want to talk to her.”
“Lexa, trust me, talk to her.”
She just glared at her.
“You love her I know you do, because you look like shit right now. She is going through a lot, give her a chance to explain.”
“Do you know feels like to give someone everything and to walk in on what I did? Octavia I loved her with everything, every part of me, I haven’t loved like that since…. I can’t open myself up like that to be torn apart, I don’t think I could survive it a second time.”
She had stopped looking at Octavia then, she felt the pain coming back, one loss reminding her of another.
Octavia stood up and walked closer to her, “I know you have been through a lot, but so has she, talk to her when you are ready. I think she will wait this time.”
She simply nodded in order to get her to go away and it worked, Octavia walked out of the room closing the door behind herself.
She didn’t want to talk to Clarke. Her heart ached in ways she barely remembered, she needed her, it wasn’t a want and she was never one to give in too easily.
She picked up her phone and turned it on, noting all the messages from Luna.
She clicked for it to call and waited patiently.
“Lexa! When are you coming back?”
She felt a small smile tug at the corner of her mouth. “Hey buddy, I don’t know when I will be back honestly.”
“You should have stayed longer.”
“You know what I think you are right about that.” She would still be pretty content right now if she had been there still.
“Luna wants to talk to you.”
“Put her on then.”
“Okay bye.”
“Bye.”
“What the fuck do you not understand about text me when you get there?”
“Can you come home?”
There was silence for a moment and Luna took a deep breathe in and her background noise became silent.
“Octavia told me what happened.”
“She is just everywhere today isn’t she?” She rolled her eyes wishing no one knew except who she wanted to.
“How are you?”
“How do you think?”
“Curled in your bed lights off staring at nothing.”
She didn’t say anything which seemed to be answer enough.
“Lexa I don’t know if me going to comfort you would be the best thing.”
Of course it wouldn’t, who calls their ex when the girl they basically broke up over breaks her heart?
“I know I’m sorry. It was unfair of me to even ask.”
There was a silence for a moment. “Can you hold up until the end of the week?
“Luna you don’t have to come, I really shouldn’t have asked.”
“The fact that you did ask shows me how much you need me. Go to sleep Lex you have a shoot in the morning.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes, shut up already.”
She couldn’t help the smile that came to her face even though Luna promptly hung up on her before she could respond.