Chapter 16
**Roans POV**
He tried to watch the television, he really did but he had no idea what was happening, a tiny girl and man were fighting on the screen it seemed obvious as to who would win.
“No!!”
He would never admit that she startled him, he looked back towards the screen to see the girl on the ground and the man standing above her.
“Well what did you expect, she is tiny compared to him?”
Ravens head whipped to look at him so quickly it took him by surprise.
“She is small but she is strong.” He went to roll his eyes at her but she had turned back to the screen. He just continued to look at her, when she stood up and started cheering he looked at the television to see the girl throwing a spear at a woman’s chest instead of the man on the floor at her feet.
Raven turned to smile at him and gloat but he grabbed her hand instead standing to pull her closer. Her brown eyes, felt as if they showed him the world. He had never seen someone so beautiful. He gave her a moment to pull away, to say no but she didn’t.
She looked at him as if she was waiting and with the raise of an eyebrow she seemed to be growing impatient. He couldn’t help the smile that came to his lips as he moved in closer, nudging her nose with his, her eyes were now closed.
He couldn’t wait any longer, having her this close and being the only thing holding himself back was torture. So he closed the distance and pressed their lips together. Still holding her hand he used the other to wrap around her waist and pull her in impossibly closer.
He could not help the moan that escaped him, and if feeling her smile against his lips meant anything he knew he was going to get made fun of in a few seconds.
She would have he was sure if whoever was on the other side of the door did not begin banging incessantly.
They both pulled away from each other at the same time.
“Lexa please open the door!”
Ravens face showed the same confusion he was sure could be found on his.
“That’s Clarke.”
Roan nodded and before he could say anything Raven was walking towards the door and opening it. His eyes widened as Clarke stumbled into the apartment.
“Where is she?”
He watched as Raven closed the door and crossed her arms.
“I think the real question is where the hell have you been Clarke?” her
Clarke spun around eyes widening as if she hadn’t noticed Raven had been the one to answer the door.
“Where is she?”
Clarke looked half mad, he couldn’t tell if she was going to cry or freak out on Raven so he walked to stand in between them. He should have known Raven wouldn’t allow that. The moment he stepped in front of her she stepped in front of him taking a moment to glare at him over her shoulder. He put his hands up in surrender.
“Where have you been Clarke?”
“This is not the time, I need to talk to Lexa, I….. She wasn’t supposed to find out.”
Roan took a closer look at her, her eyes were blood shot, it did not seem to be from just crying with the way she held onto the counter to steady herself.
“You’re drunk.”
Clarke shook her head, but didn’t let go of the counter. Roan walked forward standing so close to Raven they were touching.
“What did you do to my sister?”
Clarke shook her head and tears began falling, it only angered him. “Where is she Clarke?”
Raven turned around and glared at him. “Back off Roan.”
He shook his head at her. “Where is my sister?”
Before Raven could say anything the apartment door was once again being opened, but now Lexa stood there in the doorway.
Lexa looked terrible, she looked broken. She looked around the room at everyone until her eyes landed on him. “Roan?” Her voice cracked saying his name and it took everything in him not to run to her. He watched her face and nodded in understanding.
He put his hand on Ravens shoulder until she gave him her attention. He noticed Clarke take a step towards Lexa and Lexa take a step back almost walking out of the apartment.
“Take Clarke home.”
Raven looked towards Lexa and he fought the urge to block her view to let anyone see his sister in such a way went against his every instinct. She looked into his face and nodded once stretching up to press a kiss to his cheek.
She turned around and walked towards Clarke while he turned and walked to Lexa who was leaning against the doorway. It looked as if it was the only thing holding he up. He reach out his hand to her and she took it. He led her towards her room and almost freaked out when Clarke took a step towards them.
“Lexa.” He felt Lexa squeeze his hand tighter, as if she were holding on for dear life. He pulled her in closer wrapping an arm around her shoulder.
“Get to your room.”
She nodded and he let go of her as she walked the remaining feet to her bedroom closing her door behind herself. He turned back to see Raven trying to speak softly to Clarke who just shook her head over and over again.
He walked towards them until he could see the tears streaming down Clarkes face clearly. For a moment he felt bad for her for a moment he was willing to hear her out but then the image of Lexa standing in the doorway he had only seen her that way once before and he never thought he would get her back after that. Whatever Clarke did, if it could not be fixed he would hate her enough for both h and Lexa.
“You need to leave Clarke.”
“It meant nothing, she was gone, she left me, she chose Luna.”
“I don’t want to hear it.” He pointed towards Lexas door, “She needs me, so you need to go. Let Raven take you home. Lexa will talk to you if she wants to, but you will not force her. And for Gods sake sober up.”
Clarkes eyes widened at his last statement but she nodded and looked from him to Raven nodding to her. She reached out and Raven grabbed her hand pulling her in to steady her. They began walking towards the door when Clarke stopped and turned to look at him.
“Her bag is there.” She pointed with her head to the ground and he nodded in return. “Tell her….. tell her I’m sorry.” She stared at him waiting for a response, her gaze so focused he almost forgot she was intoxicated.
“Okay.”
**Lexas POV**
“It meant nothing, she was gone, she left me, she chose Luna.”
It took every ounce of strength she had not to go out there and yell that she had chosen her and she had told her. That maybe if Clarke would have listened to her and trusted her they could have been together. She ruined them, she did.
“I don’t want to hear it. She needs me, so you need to go. Let Raven take you home. Lexa will talk to you if she wants to, but you will not force her. And for Gods sake sober up.”
She climbed onto her bed soaked clothes and all. She didn’t want to hear this, it hurt. Her throat felt tight her stomach was in knots, there was an ache in heart she had only felt one other time in her life.
“Her bag is there. Tell her….. tell her I’m sorry.”
The word sorry repeated in her head over and over again. She gripped the pillow with all of her strength. Sorry? How could she do that when she claimed to care about her so much? She herself had been unable to have sex with Luna because her heart was Clarkes even if she didn’t know it then.
She felt her eyes begin to tear and it made her feel weak. She had not wanted to give Clarke her heart, she had simply been robbed and now she was suffering the consequences.
Her bedroom door opened and she looked up to see Roan watching her. He said nothing, just moved to her drawers and began removing clothes. She sat up watching him confused.
“Get changed, I will give you two minutes. I do not want to walk in on you half naked and I definitely don’t want to change you myself so do it and do it fast for both our sakes.”
He didn’t say anything but walked out and closed the door behind himself. He looked down at the clothes and at the door wondering how serious he was.
“A minute and half left!”
She began removing her clothing quickly and changing into the clothes he had lain out in front for her. She looked at her bed which now had water stains on it and opted to sit on the floor instead. She didn’t look up when she heard Roan walk in just pulled her knees to her chest and laid her head on them.
He began taking the sheets off of her bed until it was bare and sat on it. He began running his fingers through her hair which had become a knotted mess. She closed her eyes focusing on the calm being with him brought her.
She turned and looked over her shoulder at him.
“I love her.”
He simply nodded his head at her in acceptance.
“You and Raven?”
His lip twitched into a smile quickly before he could stop it and he shrugged his shoulders.
“I like it.”
“You and Luna?”
She closed her eyes and wished she hadn’t let Luna convince her to come back. If she could go back and be crawling in bed next to Luna right now she would, the time she had spent with Luna only made her love for the other girl grow more but just as friends.
“I love her very much but not the way I love Clarke.”
Roan didn’t say anything for a few minutes he let her stare at her fingers chipping off the ugly orange color she had let Aden choose for her. She hated it when he picked it but couldn’t say no to him.
“What happened?”
Lexa closed her eyes and took a deep breath trying to make sure she could talk without letting tears choke her words.
“I fell for her is what happened when I should have been in love with my girlfriend. She tried to.. she tempted me multiple times but I always stopped her. I couldn’t do that to Luna. But my feelings for her only grew even though we have fought so much, she challenges me I like it. Liked it. I couldn’t hide it anymore, I wasn’t very good at it. The day of Adens accident I decided I needed to follow my heart and would do right by both of them. But Luna needed me, so I went, she broke up with me on our way there but I wanted to be there for her still. At the station though I told Clarke I chose her, to wait for me. She apparently didn’t think I was worth waiting for. She hasn’t been answering my text and calls while I was gone. I went straight to her apartment and found her in bed with another girl.”
Roan didn’t say anything and she couldn’t tell if that was a good thing or not so she turned around to look at him.
“What is it?’”
He shrugged his shoulders and went to walk out of the room but she stood blocking the door.
“You aren’t leaving until you talk.”
He looked at her for a moment before chuckling to himself. “Small but strong.”
“What?”
“Nothing something me and Raven were talking about earlier.”
She was confused but stood her ground until he sighed and sat back down on her bed.
“Since you left Clarke has pretty much gone missing on the rest of the group she seemed okay letting us all know she decided to visit her parents but we have barely talked to her since then. And today… Lexa she was drunk. I know I only met her about a month ago but it didn’t seem like her.”
She felt the worry she had felt about Clarke rise again but with it came the image of her and Niylah so she pushed it away and shrugged her shoulders.
“Do you want to talk to her?”
“I don’t even want to look at her.”
**Clarkes POV**
She leaned her head against the window regretting it once her head began to pound. She decided to hold her head in her hands instead.
Raven didn’t say a word until they got to her apartment only speaking to ask for her keys. She felt as if she was with her mother again with the way Raven surveyed the room shaking her head when she saw the random bottles strewn around. She couldn’t take this.
She sat at the table grabbing a bottle but before she could even open it it was snatched out of her hands. Her head snapped up to tell Raven off but Raven simply looked at her like she was broken, and in this moment she was sure she was.
“No more drinking. How long have you been drinking like this?”
She pictured her father laying in his bed getting worse but could not say it out loud, if she started telling people her father was dying it would be more real.
“Basically since Luna left.”
“What did you do to Lexa?”
She looked away then picturing how Lexa looked so lost. She stood from the table and began walking towards her room.
“Clarke I’m not leaving until you talk to me.”
She stopped and swayed a bit realizing she wasn’t as sober as she felt.
“I need to shower… I feel dirty. Just give me a few minutes.” She closed her bedroom door behind herself taking a deep breath, she looked at her bed still crumpled and probably smelling of sex. She grabbed her phone from her night stand and some clothes to change into before leaving the room and heading to the bathroom. She made no comment as she raven dumping the rest of her alcohol into the sink.
She walked into the bathroom and turned on the shower right away but sat on the floor outside of it instead. She went to her voice messages ready to listen to all Lexa had to say wondering if this will be the last time she hears her voice.
She clicked on the first voice mail holding her breath the entire time.
“Clarke…. Look I’m worried about you and I really miss you. I’m going to be coming home soon, I hope I speak to you before then but when I do go I’m going straight to see you. We have to figure out what we are doing here. I…. I want you Clarke and I mean it. I think you want me too. Call me please.”
She felt the tears streaming down her face, what had she done? She clicked on the next message.
“You still haven’t called me, I’m trying not to worry here. I miss you, I had your favorite pancakes today just because, Aden tasted them and now wants them for every meal. Lunas parents might hate me for it, I find it amusing. Call me please.”
Through her tears she laughed a little picturing a little blonde boy crying about pancakes and Lexa trying to pretend it wasn’t her fault.
“I don’t know why you aren’t talking to me. Did I do something? I know I have been gone longer than we both probably thought I would be and I’m sorry…. Now I’m scared of what I will come home to. Clarke I just want to come home to you. Call me.”
She stared at her phone for a moment. Lexa had been scared to come home because of her. She was angry with her because she wasn’t there she left to be with Luna because…. Because she was a good person.
There was only one message left from last night.
“I’m coming home tomorrow, Luna is basically kicking me out, she doesn’t know if she is coming back or not. I can’t blame her really. The only reason I’m not more terrified I will never see her again is because I know I will be with you soon. Clarke, we can be together now. I’m not sure that is what you want anymore, I don’t know what I will do if you don’t want me anymore. I hope you are okay.”
She put her phone down and quickly stripped to nothing climbing into the shower, she looked down at her body noticing all of the hickies new and old left by Niylah. She grabbed a rag and began scrubbing as hard as she could but she knew they would only go away with time. She let Niylah… do everything to her while Lexa was worried about her while all her friends were worried about her. Because she didn’t care, because she had been drowing herself into not feeling.
She had done exactly what her father asked her not to do. She had done exactly what her parents knew she would but this time they couldn’t take care of her themselves….. because…. Her dad was dying.
She stepped out of the shower but left it on to cover her conversation.
“Clarke?”
“Daddy? I’m so sorry, you were right about me. I pushed them all away. I don’t think Lexa will ever talk to me again.”
“Princess they will understand you are going through a lot right now just talk to them, tell them.”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“It will make it real. It can’t be real because I need you so much right now, I will always need you.”
Her father stopped talking for a moment, she heard him take a deep breathe in.
“I was never going to be here forever, you can do this. I raised you to be strong, make things right with everyone, with Lexa.”
“I’m in love with her.”
“I know.”