Chapter 10
**Clarkes POV**
She rolled over and reached her hand out, her eyes snapped open at the feeling of empty space next to her. She sat up quickly pulling her knees to her chest. She ruined it, Lexa was going to shut her out all because she couldn’t keep her feelings in check.
But in the moment she felt like Lexa wanted her too, she must have been wrong or she would have kissed her instead of saying Lunas name. Lunas name… being so close to Lexa, Luna hadn’t mattered to her, and as fucked up as it sounded it felt amazing to be in a moment with Lexa where Luna didn’t matter.
She glanced up at her artwork that hung on Lexas wall, why was it there? Sure Lexa could have like it, but she would have given it to her for free or made one specifically for her. She stood up and ran her fingers across the paint strokes, closing her eyes reliving what she was feeling with each stroke she created.
When she opened her eyes, she felt as if she was being watched, she turned to see Lexa watching her in the doorway with a bag in her hand. Neither said anything for a moment but just looked to see how the other was feeling.
“You’re up.”
Clarke tilted to her head to the side still trying to gage how Lexa was feeling. She couldn’t tell so she nodded her head to the statement.
“You left.”
Lexa lifted the bag in her hand and looked away from her, “I got up early and decided to get breakfast. I got you your favorite.”
She didn’t realize she was hungry until food was brought up, she brought her hand to her stomach making a sad face as it grumbled on cue. She looked up to see a small smile on Lexas face at her reaction.
“Banana chocolate chip pancakes?”
Lexa nodded, “Extra bacon. Come on.”
Lexa turned and walked towards the kitchen leaving her to scramble after. She began placing the food on the table and then walked to the fridge opening and looking inside. Clarke sat in front of the food that looked like her own and waited.
“Apple or orange?”
“Apple of course.”
Lexa placed her drink down and they ate in silence neither saying a thing, she couldn’t figure out if they were okay or not and she didn’t know how to ask.
“Lexa-“
“I got this from that café we went to remember? Last week with that waitress Niylah? Do you remember her?”
Lexa wasn’t looking at her and rushed while talking.
“I remember.”
Lexa thrust her hand out which had a napkin in it. She reached forward and took it looking down and seeing the number sprawled on it along with Niylahs name. She didn’t understand what was happening.
“Lexa what are you doing?”
“Niylah likes you, she wanted you to have her number. You should call her.”
She crumpled the napkin in her hand and glared at Lexa who still wasn’t looking at her.
“Lexa.”
Lexa finally looked at her and waited for her to say something.
“Did you go ask for Niylahs number because we… because I almost kissed you?”
She saw Lexa physically flinch at her words and it felt like a slap to her face and a punch to her chest, she knew Lexa didn’t want her but to have that kind of reaction? She stood up abruptly and began pacing back and forth trying to calm herself she didn’t know if she was going to yell or cry, maybe both.
“She tried to give you her number before that happened, I went back today to get it for you though yes.”
“What do you mean she tried before?” She stopped pacing and looked at Lexa who was rubbing he face with her hands.
“I threw it out before you could see it last time.”
Clarke furrowed her eyebrows in confusion trying to figure out what this meant. She moved to the chair next to Lexa and turned It so she was facing her.
“Why?”
Lexa looked at her, and shrugged her shoulders.
“You know why.”
Lexa kept her gaze, “Weakness.”
That confused her. “You stopped me from getting her number out of weakness?” Lexa nodded her head, stood up and began to clean.
“I think you are being weak Lexa, weak for trying to push me towards someone else, I don’t need anyone else in order to get over you. It’s easy.”
She walked towards Lexas room and quickly began changing into her outfit from the night before. She grabbed her bag and walked out of the room.
“Clarke please don’t leave like this.”
“No I get it.” She reached for the table and grabbed the crumpled napkin with the number. “Don’t worry I don’t need you. I get you don’t want me but that doesn’t mean you have the right to push me towards anyone else. You can’t control me. Who the fuck do you think you are?”
Lexa looked angry now. “I didn’t ask for this! You are right you don’t need me so go Clarke, go fuck her for all I care. I have a girlfriend! I can’t want you too!”
Clarke glared at her and half ran out of the apartment slamming the door behind her. As soon as she was downstairs she hailed a cab.
**Lexas POV**
“I can’t want you too!”
She stopped speaking the moment she realized what she just said. Clarke glared at her hopefully having not really realized what that implied and stormed out slamming the door behind her. She looked up towards the ceiling feeling the burn in her eyes. She shook her head. This wasn’t okay.
She walked towards her room but jumped when she stepped on something on the floor. She looked to her own wrist to make sure it wasn’t hers and it wasn’t.
Was Clarke really that mad to throw the matching bracelet on the floor and leave? She pouted as she picked it up and put it on her dresser. She was completely exhausted and didn’t feel like thinking right now. She climbed back into her bed, it smelled like Clarkes perfume. She would never admit that the smell helped her fall asleep.
The nonstop vibration of her phone was what finally woke her, she looked to her window to see the sun was still up. Her phone quieted for a moment before the vibrations began once again. She sighed and reached over to grab it. She rolled her eyes when she saw it was her brother calling before picking it up.
“Roan, why are you calling me like a psycho?”
“Maybe because I have been knocking on your door for the last twenty minutes.”
She sat up quickly throwing her blanket off and jumping out of her bed and heading to her door.
“You’re lying.”
There was a knock on the door that she heard through the phone along with a “Nope.”
She hung up the phone while unlocking the door to the big grinning man before her.
“Hey little Lexa.”
She punched him in the arm lightly before turning and sitting on her couch putting her legs up.
“Really? No hey big brother thanks for driving three hours to see me?”
He pushed her legs off the couch and she glared at him. “Hello big brother, what are you doing here?”
“Can’t I just come see how you are doing?” He sat down and began running his hands through his hair eyes darting around the room. She could tell something was up.
“What’s wrong?”
He just shook his head and looked at her with sad eyes, Roan was never one to let his emotions show so she sat up straighter keen on figuring out what was going on.
“Is mom okay?” He just nodded his head and she wracked her brain trying to figure it out.
“You are freaking me out. Talk.”
“Echo left me.”
Lexa didn’t know what to say, she never really liked Echo anyway, neither did their mother, but she knew she couldn’t say that.
“Sorry to hear that.”
Roan looked at her and rolled his eyes. “No you aren’t and that why I’m here, I need a new start Lex.”
“What does that have to do with me?”
He patted the couch and gave her a small smile. “Can I stay here for a couple of days? I swear I already started looking into apartments, I will even sleep on the couch.”
Before she could say anything the apartment door opened and Lincoln walked in stopping when he saw Roan. A big grin broke out on his face as he made his way over to the couch and pulled him into a hug.
“What are you doing here?”
“I’m moving to the big city man.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I was just asking Lexa I could crash here for a couple of days while I look for apartments, if that’s okay with you?”
“Of course! You are going to love it here, we have to introduce you to the gang.”
“Yeah I want to meet your new girl too, does she by the way have any friends?”
Lexa punched Roan in the arm again but Lincoln just laughed.
“Two actually, are you into blondes or brunettes?”
“Lincoln!”
Both guys just laughed but she didn’t find the idea of her brother trying to get into Clarkes pants very amusing. She looked down and began playing with the bracelet on her wrist. Maybe it didn’t matter anyway, who knew if Clarke was ever going to talk to her again anyway.
“Actually Octavia said Clarke is supposed to make Sunday dinner tonight and told me to come over, want me to see if you can come too? “
“That sounds fun, you going Lexa?”
“Lexa and Clarke are basically attached at the hip, she will be there.”
She just looked between the two, how was she supposed to explain to people that she couldn’t be around Clarke anymore? How was she supposed to convince herself not to when the thought of seeing Clarke tonight had her beating faster just from the thought.
“Lexa?”
Her phone began ringing at that moment. She snatched it right away hoping it was Clarke telling her to come over that night. She answered without looking at the name.
“Clarke?”
“No….. It’s Luna.”
She felt her gut sink down when she realized who it was and felt guilty for it a second later.
“Hey, sorry I’m expecting a call from Clarke.” Well she wasn’t really but she did wish Clarke would call her so same thing right?
“Weren’t you guys just together?”
“What’s up Luna?”
There was a silence for a moment. “Actually Clarke is making dinner for everyone tonight but she said she would understand if we couldn’t make it and wanted some alone time.”
She furrowed her eyebrows at that. Clarke was pushing her to Luna?
“Actually my brother is here, going to stay with me a few days, I want him to meet everyone so tell her we are going.”
“Roan is there? Since when?”
“A couple of minutes ago.”
“Oh, I really wanted some alone time with you babe, but it should be fun with everyone tonight. I should get back to the city around six so just meet me over there with everyone.”
“Sounds good, see you tonight.”
“I love you.”
“Mhm. Bye.”
She hung up her phone and her attention went back to the boys in front of her. “What time are we supposed to be there?”
“Five.”
“I’m going early to help Clarke so I will meet you guys there.”
**Clarkes POV**
She looked at the cook book in front of her and the ingredients on the table to make sure she had everything she needed. She began measuring everything out, days like today she wished she had pursued medical school. You didn’t have space in your head to think about anything but the task in front of you.
Her art, all it was based on were emotions and her emotions were crazy at this moment. She replayed her fight with Lexa over and over again.
She knows she messed up, she let her damn emotions get the best of her when she tried to kiss her, it felt so right though. She heard Lexas gasp in her head over and over again, she could have sworn Lexa wanted her to do it.
“I can’t want you too.”
Did that mean something? It felt like it did, she shook her head and again focused back on the task in front of her. She just needed her space, and she would get over this. Over her, with her amazing eyes, hair, lips, body. She bit her lip just thinking about it.
But to try and set her up with someone else the nerve Lexa had. She didn’t need help finding someone else, if she wanted to be with someone else she would be. She began slamming the dough down extra hard, more than necessary when she realized her bracelet was no longer on her wrist.
She dropped the bread to the counter and began walking around her room, she searched all over the floor, checked her bag, and even went through her laundry to shake out the clothes she had worn the night before. It was gone.
She sat on her floor and felt tears building in her eyes, she had lost it already just like she had lost what it represented. She heard the sound of the apartment door opening and quickly wiped her eyes.
Why was Luna back so early? She looked at the time and saw it was three, Luna wasn’t supposed to be back for hours, but she didn’t care enough to go check, she didn’t want to see her, it would be a reminder of what she almost did and what she couldn’t have.
She got up and laid on her bed, she had time for a quick nap, maybe sleep would help her get out of her mind. There was a knock on her door but maybe she could pretend to not be here and Luna would go away.
She closed her eyes, when she heard her door open she kept them closed, maybe Luna would think she was already asleep. When she felt a weight on her bed she had enough and she sat up quickly.
“Fucks sake Clarke! You scared me!”
Her eyes widened when she saw it was Lexa instead of Luna.
“Lexa? What are you doing here? How did you even get in?
As an answer Lexa just waved her keys. Right Luna gave her a key.
“Well what do you want?” She felt her anger rising again, Lexa had no right to show up out of nowhere, not when she wasn’t wanted.
“I’m sorry.”
She was ready to yell at her again but the apology took her by surprise. She didn’t know what to say. Lexa took her silence as an approval to keep talking.
“I freaked out, I know I did. It was just a moment yesterday. I felt guilty, and I thought if you had a girlfriend too then we would go back to how we were. I got scared that I would lose you so I tried to push you and that was wrong.”
Lexa waited for her to say something but she was trying to process, and the only thing in her mind was one question.
“Why didn’t you give me Niylahs number the first time she tried to give it to me? Answer this time, no weakness crap.”
Lexa looked at her a moment before saying anything. She looked down and began touching the ends of her hair.
“Lexa?”
Lexa looked up and took a deep breath, sitting up straighter.
“I was jealous.”
Clarke just shook her head, she didn’t understand.
“But why?”
Lexa just looked at her and shrugged her shoulders, “It doesn’t make sense, you’re just…..” Lexa looked away from her and back quickly. “You’re my Clarke.”
“What does that mean?”
“I need you…. As a friend.”
The word friend hurt for a moment, friendship sounded wrong when describing them, it felt like so much more to her and it seemed like Lexa felt the same way.
“Do you have feelings for me?”
“Clarke.”
“Answer my question.”
She needed to know, she needed to know this wasn’t all in her head.
“I can’t.”
She just stared at her, why wouldn’t she tell her?
“Say it.”
Lexa just shook her head and bit her lip, Clarkes eyes followed her lips. When Lexa released it she leaned closer, moving a hand to behind Lexas neck.
“Do you want me?”
Lexa didn’t say anything but she didn’t move away either. She pressed a kiss to Lexas cheek, and pulled away, Lexa had her eyes closed. She moved her mouth to her ear.
“I think you do, I want you Lex. All of you.”
Lexa just shook her head eyes staying closed, she was breathing in deeply through her nose.
Clarke moved her hands to run up and down Lexas sides, she moved forward more and pressed a kiss on Lexas neck.
Lexa jerked up and stood next the bed. She looked up at her waiting to see what she would do.
“I need my best friend, that’s what I want okay? That’s what matters most because I’ve never had this kind of connection with someone Clarke. Please don’t make me give you up. I need you, I have luna and she does everything she can for me. Even if I felt something for you I have her. So please don’t make me choose.”
Clarke watched her and could see the distress on her face, the shaking of her hands. She stood up and took both of Lexas hands in hers.
“I rather have you in my life in some way than none at all. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have did what I just did, I was mad at you still and trying to push you. It was wrong. If you need a friend then that’s what I will be. But don’t try and change the way I feel. I won’t pursue you Lexa.”
Lexa just nodded in response.
“Are we okay?”
“Yes.”
“Okay, now come help me make this damn dinner, I only stared because I was mad at you anyway.
**Lexas POV**
Clarke walked out of the room and towards the kitchen, she stood there a few moments breathing in and out trying to calm her heart.
She ran her hand along the spot on her neck where Clarkes lips had been. She shouldn’t have let her do that. She had felt it in her entire body. She couldn’t let her do anything like that again, stopping her would only get harder and harder.
She walked out of the room not looking at Clarke before she walked into the bathroom and closed the door behind herself.
She slid down the door and felt tears begin running down her face. She was so confused.
She must have been in there longer than she thought because the door was opening and Clarke was on the floor too, pulling her into her arms.
“Lex, I’m sorry, please don’t cry. I shouldn’t put you in this kind of situation, its shit of me.”
She shook her head, it wasn’t Clarkes fault she has been in this situation since the moment Clarke came up to her at the bar, she was just realizing it now. She rubbed her eyes and pulled herself up.
“Okay, I’m okay.” She wasn’t but she had to be so she would force herself to be, it wasn’t the first time.
“Lexa?”
She shook her head.
“What are we making?”