Therapy

Tony sighs, looking at the files that were literally up to his eyeballs in distain. Well, this was horrible and he was supposed to have a date tonight. That probably wasn’t going to happen because he needed to get this all done before he went anywhere or Obi was going to have his ass. Pepper would probably have his ass too given that her work relied on him getting his own done and she didn’t like missing deadlines. There was no way he could get it all done before tomorrow at noon let alone before dinner tonight but he didn’t want to cancel…

Thankfully Bucky solves the problem himself when he calls in a panic, only sort of making sense. “Hey whoa, whoa, slow down, I can only half hear you. Are you in a bathroom? You sound really echo-y. Oh god, do you have one of those Hammer phones? Do you even know how shitty those things are? They’re cheaper than Hammer himself and- you know what, I’m going to save my lectures for when you’ll be able to actually appreciate my words. What’s up?” he asks. A stack of files nearly falls over and he manages to snatch it just in time, pushing them back into the leaning tower of Shit Stew that his office was becoming. Ugh.

Bucky lets out a hysterical little laugh but he sounds calmer, “look, I’m sorry but I can’t do this,” Bucky says, hysterical edge still in his tone of voice.

“I’m going to assume ‘this’ is our date, which is convenient because neither can I. I’m literally up to my eyeballs in paperwork, like that isn’t even an exaggeration. I’d like to see the doors of my office but I can’t because there’s so much crap in front of me.” Maybe a couple years ago he would have left this to the last minute but he likes to think he’s grown as a person a little since his partying days. Admittedly they came a bit later than normal, usually college kids did the partying thing, but he was graduating college at fourteen so he was a wee bit underage. Then he did his Masters, then his first PhD, then his parents died and he floundered hard. Obi was useful then, taking over the business while Tony chased any way to avoid the pain that he could.

Eventually it got just a tad out of control and, well, if he never saw Rhodey that disappointed again it’d be too soon. People liked to say addicts couldn’t quit cold turkey and that might be true for some people but Tony hadn’t had much of a problem. Well, he did, but his resolve to stop drinking was more powerful than his desire to pick up a drink. Plus he’s always been an all or nothing kind of guy, it didn’t surprise him that he reacted the way he did. The point was that he was more responsible now, at least when he felt like it, so he usually got his paperwork done on time. Usually. Sometimes he fucked off to his lab because his toys were more fun and he left all the work to Obi. He wished this was one of the times he could do that but sadly he could not.

“Oh,” Bucky says and for a moment he leaves it at that, “that sounds… thrilling.”

“About as thrilling as watching paint dry on a humid day. Normally I’d leave this sort of thing to Obadiah but Europe took a shit and now I have to deal with all the ways business could tank over there and really, this sucks. I think watching paint dry on a humid day might actually be more fun,” he says. Distraction, he has learned, was a great way to avoid panic attacks, or to pull yourself out of one. He hadn’t even known that his regular freaking the hell out to the point where your vision was blacking out a little and you couldn’t breath anymore wasn’t normal until Riley clued him in. Apparently normal people didn’t do that ever let alone at least twice a month. He also learned that normal people didn’t think that all the people that loved them would just up and leave them one day. He had no idea how people functioned without the crushing weight of knowing that their loved ones would realize how horrible they were and leave without ever looking back but okay.

Riley had some interesting thoughts, and he thought Tony’s last therapist was a fucking moron too so that made him less of a quack in Tony’s opinion. He was also worried about Tony’s insomnia but he’s always had trouble getting to sleep, there was always too much going on in his mind at any one time. It was easier to work himself into the ground until he passed out. That was an unhealthy habit but whatever; Riley didn’t know what it was like to have the designs keep him awake for so long he just wrote them down. He couldn’t sleep unless he wrote them down.

“It isn’t, trust me,” Bucky says, drawing Tony’s attention away from his semi-successful therapy sessions. “I… I’m sorry, I just-”

“Hey, hey, none of that,” Tony says, cutting Bucky off, “don’t ever apologize for your discomfort. This is good, you should tell me when you’re uncomfortable, and anyone else for that matter. So no need to apologize. Plus it isn’t like I can leave the office either, as much as I’d like to.” At this point if his only exit was a window he might take it. Well, probably not, most of the time he didn’t have any real desire to die. He decided to keep that to himself, no need for Riley to have more reason to try and stick him on some medication that was bound to make him feel like a zombie in the name of being ‘right’. He’s had enough of that, thanks.

“I… um… thank you,” Bucky says eventually and he actually sound relieved. Good. Tony wanted to meet the asshole that made Bucky feel like he had to apologize for his discomfort to punch them but hey, it wasn’t a perfect world. He had a strong dislike for them on principal though; no one would feel like they have to apologize for not wanting someone to breach their boundaries. He’s done enough of that too and he was done with acting like he was supposed to feel sorry that someone else was in the wrong. Not his style. It wasn’t his intention to make anyone else uncomfortable either, unless they were uncomfortable because they were like homophobic or something. Then he’d be as gay as he could get but he wasn’t the wrong one there.

“No worries,” Tony says, “except for all the paperwork.” He eyes the stack wearily but he figures he should get to the stacks before they grew even larger. Honestly he could read ten times faster than the average person, it wasn’t like this would take long once he fell into a pattern but he didn’t really want to fall into a pattern. Bucky stammers out an awkward goodbye and Tony is left to his own devices but, first he was going to need like six gallons of coffee.

He’s halfway through the giant stack and silently praying for his own death when his phone rings, offering him a merciful distraction from yet another file of shit that mirrored the last twenty goddamn files. “Stark,” he says into the receiver, wrinkling his nose at the next pile of paperwork in front of him. He should just sign the company over to Pepper and then she could do all the paperwork and he could invent things like he wanted to. If Obi wouldn’t skin him alive for trying that he’d so do it.

“Hey Tony,” Bucky says and he straightens up some. He probably should have checked the caller I.D before assuming it was some business associate or Pepper. Well, too late now. “Umm, so I know I called like four hours ago to cancel but like… can I uncancel? I know you said you couldn’t leave but I could bring you food, if you wanted,” Bucky says, sounding hesitant, unsure.

Tony squints at the clock on his computer. Shit, it had been four hours, where the hell had the time gone? “Uh, yeah, alright. I could use the company, these files are boring as hell and why did I ever decide being a CEO was a good idea? I should have been a stripper like I wanted,” he mumbles more to himself than Bucky. Howard had been pissed when he whipped that out at fifteen. His mother had covered her mouth and her eyes had crinkled a little, indicating that she was smiling though she didn’t say much of anything. Obviously she understood him but Howard, not so much, so Tony got a long lecture in not disrespecting the family name.

Boy was Howard pissed when Tony told him that all his DUIs probably already fucked the family name beyond recognition. It wasn’t his fault it was true and then Howard hit him and his mother wasn’t smiling anymore but Tony was plenty used to it by then. He died two years later and that was the best day of Tony’s life, and the worst, because his childhood terror and savior happened to die at the same time. That was rather unfortunate but whatever.

“Yeah, and what would your stage name be, hmm?” Bucky asks, sounding more amused than nervous now. Good, that was the goal.

“Iron Man,” Tony says because he’s thought this out thoroughly. He had routines, okay; he’d be a fucking great stripper. Back during his party days he had the strippers he hired teach him a thing or two for fun. The part where he almost broke his neck was less fun but hey, they all had their failings, his was a pole but he got better eventually. Even Natasha was impressed with his skills and she was not an easy woman to impress.

“That’s a horrible stripper name, you should stick with the CEO thing. Pizza sound good?” Bucky asks.

“Okay first of all Iron Man is great, thank you. I’d like to see you come up with something better. Pizza sounds great, honestly you could feed me cardboard with hot sauce on it and I’d be happy right about now,” he says. When was the last time he ate? He tries to remember but comes up empty, which probably indicated a whole host of issues but he wasn’t going to tell Riley about those either. Better to play things close to the chest, you never know, this wouldn’t be the first time he didn’t think a doctor was a total jackass and he didn’t have a desire to be proven wrong. Again.

“That is disgusting,” Bucky says, snickering at him, “I’m pretty sure even college students have higher standards than that. And if I were a stripper I would be the Winter Soldier, sounds mysterious and sexy. Plus there’s that whole military kink thing I’d have going for me. Wade would be Deadpool, and Steve would Captain America,” Bucky says, a hint of pride in his tone.

“College students will eat anything, I ran a few unethical studies in MIT. Kangaroo was a hit, and people liked the chocolate covered ants until they found out they were ants. Except Scott Lang but he was a weird fucker, pretty sure he has a kid and a criminal record now. Anyways. Winter Solider? No, Rhodey would cry at the use of military kink, I’ve told you about his plight over people joining the military for kinky purposes, right? Don’t do it. Also who the shit would go see a stripper named Deadpool? That’s like the opposite of sexy. And Captain America? That makes that guy sound like a wholesome jackass.” Who would want their stage name to be Captain America? “And what is with the consistent military theme here? I won’t judge, but we can’t tell Rhodey,” he says playfully. He’s seen the dead-eyed stare of despair Rhodey handed out to anyone who even vaguely alluded to a military kink.

It was almost amusing watching him beat people off when he mentioned being a colonel. It was Tony’s favorite thing to do if Rhodey was being an asshole, slipping his military status into a conversation and then watching the news spread. It was a pretty popular kink so by the end of the event Rhodey was a pretty popular guy. Back before he joined the military he used to use the ‘going off to war’ ruse to bring some cute Dom home but now he wanted absolutely nothing to do with that particular kink. Which was why Tony made sure to mention it if he got the chance. But Rhodey mentioned that weird thing he had for tech every chance he got so he could stuff it. No one needed to know about his math boners but Rhodey, after discovering that lovely little fact, had been using it against him ever since. Total asshole but Tony loved him anyways.

“Okay you know what, you don’t even know the ants are in the chocolate so people caring about that is stupid. And trust me, the crowd Wade would drag in would appreciate Deadpool as a stage name. And Steve kind of is a wholesome jackass so it fits. And no, I do not have a military kink, or any other uniform based kink. Unless you count suits, which I don’t by the way. I just think the names sound neat,” Bucky says.

“And Iron Man doesn’t sound neat? Iron Man is awesome, Bucky; you just don’t know it yet. When are you going to be here with that pizza? I’m starving.”

*

He had been leery of Tony, of course he had, and with this Steve mess now he had even more reason to be suspicious. Don’t apologize for your discomfort. Those had been the key words Bucky hadn’t known he had been looking for but as soon as Tony said them he had relaxed some. He had needed it too, as panicked as he was. He had considered calling Phil but he didn’t really want to listen to the lecture the man was sure to have for him plus he had needed to call Tony anyways. It wasn’t his initial intention to have Tony calm him down but the man had an aura about him that Bucky was drawn to, and apparently it still worked when he had half entered panic attack mode too. That was always good information to know, Steve hadn’t ever been much useful during situations like that. Something had always felt… off about his comfort and now Bucky knew what that was.

Always trust your instincts, Riley kept telling him that and apparently Bucky had good instincts. Personally he thought his past indicated otherwise but alright. But he was supposed to start listening to his body more and his body had a thing for Tony, it was the rest of him that was unsure. Of course this was the part where he’d usually ignore what his body was telling him but that always seemed to go horribly so maybe he should try listening for once. Worst come to worst he was wrong again but he was pretty used to that anyways.

He ignores the doubts for now because there was no reason for them and makes his way to Stark Tower. It wasn’t like the building was hard to find, it was the highest in its area. People claimed that was because Tony had an ego but Bucky wasn’t totally sold on that argument. Sure he had a quiet arrogance about him but from what Bucky had researched it wasn’t entirely unfounded. It wasn’t really arrogance when he wasn’t overestimating himself, plus the building looked cool despite what Steve thought of it. He couldn’t believe Steve thought the modern looking building was ugly. Bucky had a lot of words for it, like how the hell did it not fall over in strong winds, but not unattractive. Steve had no taste, why the hell else would he love Bucky? Damaged goods weren’t of much use, Brock might have been an ass but he was right about that. The good news was that Tony must be damaged too considering they met in therapy of all things. Maybe he would understand in ways that other people didn’t, like Phil did.

Regardless of how this may or may not work out he finds his way to Tony’s building easily and he finds his way to Tony’s office even easier thanks to one Pepper Potts. She was giving him looks and one of those tight lipped smiles he had seen in a few pictures of her with Tony but yikes that was terrifying in person. He didn’t envy the Dom who had to deal with that. Personally he’d rather not, thank you. Pepper smiles at him and opens the door to Tony’s office and the fact that she hadn’t said a word the whole time was both disconcerting and relieving at the same time. On the plus side there was no small talk, on the downside he was certain Pepper Potts was planning his death.

Tony looks up and all Bucky can see are his eyeballs. Shit, he hadn’t been kidding about the paperwork. “Don’t look so horrified, half of this is done,” he says and the corners of his eyes crinkle a little, indicating that he was smiling.

Pepper comes rushing in, nearly running Bucky over, and she scoops up the files that… Bucky didn’t know how she knew they were the completed ones. He didn’t even know how she heard that comment to come running in to take the files. Pepper Potts is a terrifying enigma and he never wanted to deal with her again. “She give you the silent treatment on the way up?” Tony asks in response to Bucky’s horrified expression.

“Yeah… she’s scary. Is she supposed to be that scary?” he asks. She was Tony’s personal assistant, were personal assistants supposed to be frightening in any capacity? He didn’t think so but to be fair he’s never met a personal assistant so.

“Nah, but her ability to scare the hell out of people by smiling at them is so useful. You should meet her Dom; Nat takes the scary smile thing to a whole new level. I’m fully convinced that they could take over the world together if they tried,” Tony says and yeah, Bucky was already under the impression Pepper could do that herself never mind her Dom. “Don’t be scared off though, if she spoke it would have been worse,” Tony tells him and he smiles the shit.

“I don’t think my imminent death is a matter deserving of a smile, thank you,” Bucky says and Tony snorts out a laugh.

“Nah, Pep’s more creative than that. You’ll live, you just won’t want to,” Tony says as if that was any more comforting.

“That was the opposite of helpful but thanks for that nightmare inducing statement,” Bucky says, throwing himself in one of the chairs that sat opposite to Tony’s desk.

“And people claim I’m melodramatic. Now pass that pizza I’m dying of starvation over here,” Tony says, extending his hands over the desk and eyeing the pizza Bucky forgot he was holding hungrily. For a moment Bucky wasn’t sure Tony was serious but after deciding he must be he snorts and passes the box over.

“People think you’re melodramatic because you are melodramatic,” Bucky tells him. Tony practically devours an entire pizza slice whole and it contrasts to badly with his expensive suit that Bucky laughs. The last thing he expected was the guy in Gucci to devour pizza slices whole. It was a good look though, Tony in a suit. And the red tie was honestly a lovely touch, very Tony Bucky thought. The bright strip of color against the dark suit stood out and Bucky surprised himself by wanting that tie around his wrists. Bondage sort of fell out of favor when Brock did, too little control was left to him and then he tended to do the freaking out thing. That wasn’t exactly what people were going for in a scene unless it was negotiated so he tended to avoid bondage now. But that tie would look so pretty around his wrists and- and he better eat some of that pizza before Tony left him only crumbs and a half a peperoni. “Leave me some, asshole,” Bucky says, snatching the slice Tony was about to stuff in his mouth.

“Hey,” Tony says, offended, “I wanted that one. And I am not melodramatic, I am just dramatic enough thank you.” Bucky raises an eyebrow at that but Tony looks entirely unrepentant. They eat in comfortable silence and Tony desecrates that beautiful suit by wiping pizza fingers on it. Bucky decides that Tony should never be left to his own devices ever because he was clearly a savage. Tony looks unrepentant about that too and no one should have so much money they don’t worry about running a suit that probably cost more than everything Bucky owned.

“I can’t believe you wiped pizza fingers on that suit,” Bucky says finally, unable to keep that in. he had tried reading the book he had gotten earlier from the library but he couldn’t concentrate knowing Tony wiped pizza grease on his pants.

“That’s what dry cleaning is for, honeybee, relax,” he says, eyes flicking up from his file. He gives Bucky just a hint of a smile and for a second Bucky forgets about Tony ruining his suit.

Thankfully he wasn’t a total twit and he regains control over himself, “napkins, Stark, are for pizza fingers, not suits. I can’t even believe you would consider ruining that suit with pizza grease, who does that?” he asks, giving Tony’s hands a look of distain.

“I do that. And you didn’t bring napkins. Plus bad manners piss off the business execs so I sort of got into the habit of behaving badly with food. And again, dry cleaning, Pepper found this great place that get any stain out of any material and honestly I am impressed. I’ve got some weird shit on my clothing and it always comes back in pristine condition,” Tony says, smoothing that pretty tie with his fingers and Bucky is deeply offended.

“You should not be left to your own devices, wiping pizza fingers on suits because you have a good dry cleaning place. They probably think you’re a barbarian,” Bucky says.

“They do, Pep’s told me. Granted on that particular occasion they had every right to assume I was a barbarian because… well you have an active imagination I’m sure, you can but two and two together. So what are you reading, exactly?” Tony asks, nodding to the book he was holding.

“Oh, some stuff about witchcraft. Demonology actually,” Bucky admits somewhat hesitantly. This was his go-to subject when he didn’t want anyone to talk to him. He loved history as a whole but witch trials were especially interesting to him, fortunately people found reading about demonology just a bit weird. Hence this being his go-to subject in a bad mood, if people came up to him he could tell them that he was reading about demonology and nine times out of ten he’d get a look and the person would walk away.

“Remember when you said you were boring? Well Bucky, we have some very different definitions of boring if you read demonology in your spare time. Tell me more, I’m curious,” Tony says, leaning forward in genuine interest. And apparently Tony was the tenth person who thought that Bucky must be interesting if he read a subject like this in his spare time. Well, thankfully in this case he actually wanted to have a conversation with the person who was curious so he smiles just a bit, prepared to give Tony a lecture on general witchcraft beliefs in the Middle Ages.