Chapter 16
The door opened as she pushed it slowly, dreading every single second she was about to spend inside. All of the lights were dark as if shouting that no one was around to inhabit the space. She stepped inside and froze as the air hit her, setting every nerve on edge. It smelled no different. It smelled like her. She let a loud breath out of her mouth and made sure the scent could not infiltrate her nose; closing off any sense that was not necessary for the task at hand.
She let the door hang ajar as she walked deeper into the apartment. Everything was gone. The cabinets were empty. Most of the furniture was removed except for a few larger pieces that would need a moving truck. It looked dejected as if decades of decay had taken over the space in a manner of weeks. But by far, the worst part was the bedroom, which was not empty. Her own stuff was still littered throughout the room, not allowing her to completely forget the memories. Flashes of images rushed through her mind and she fell to her knees, heaving without sound. Silent sobs racked her body and a heat was building up inside of her, making her muscles taut and fogging up her mind so that rational thought slipped away to pure emotion. With a loud, animalistic roar, she grabbed the nearest object to her, which happened to be a couple of shoes and whipped them across the room. The crashing sound only heightened the madness that had overtaken her and the room changed, becoming haunting and malicious.
She reared up and grabbed at the sheets on the bed, ripping them back until they were a tangled mess on the floor. The sounds that left her body were inhuman cries. The next to go was the desk chair which she swung against the wardrobe, cracking the legs and detaching them from the base of the chair which fell with an unsatisfying thud against the floor. She launched the legs to somewhere unknown and they slid underneath the bed where she could no longer harm them. It still wasn’t enough and the power coursing through her limbs urged her on. There was a stack of notebooks that she would have disregarded but now they were a possible addition to the destruction and she grabbed them, ripping and tearing, sending pages fluttering through the air to clutter the floor.
She clawed at the pillow of the window seat, her nails ripping up the fabric, exposing pure white stuffing that was spattered with the smallest drips of blood from her fingertips that had opened from reckless use. With the rage coursing through her, there were not enough things to destroy. The lamp on the desk was her next victim and with one swift movement she flung it out the bedroom door and sent it crashing, glass shattering everywhere as it shattered against the wall in the living room.
She thundered out, disregarding the glass crunching under foot and shoved over the end tables. They flipped upside down and then fell on their sides, no longer able to put up a fight. The small couch sitting alone against the wall withered in fear as she stumbled toward it. Once she ripped the pillows out of the way, her fists pounded relentlessly against the wood until one of the posts in the back cracked and inside, she did the same. A stream of tears fell down her face that she could not hinder and she slumped against the broken furniture. The fog clearing as everything started to hurt. The agony she felt on the inside transformed into a physical pain that left her crippled and weeping in the last place she wanted to be. In the place she had destroyed. It looked just like her future.
She found herself blurry-eyed, misty-minded, and on flight after flight; in the clouds whenever she could be. And the rest of the time, lying on the ground somewhere, out of her mind and body, numb to the cold, to the pain, to the amount of poison sloshing around her stomach. Usually bloody and broken.
Mattie had picked her up off the side of the street that day but not only was Mattie ill-equipped to repair a broken Carmilla, Carmilla had no want to be helped and refused to change, wallowing in the sorrow. She stayed comatose on a bed at the house for weeks until one day she got up, walked out the door and had yet to return. Mattie called for a while, trying to figure out where she had run off to but eventually her sister gave up.
She answered Will in vague, one-word text messages to ensure him that she was still alive, though barely. He surely passed those messages onto Mattie. And maybe onto others but Carmilla assumed they had chosen a side and that side was not hers.
The insistent platitudes were just a reminder that she had failed, yet again, just like she was raised to believe would be the case.
Being grounded was the problem. When she was attached to the ground things meant something. Things were real. Emotions had weight and actions had consequences. In the air was the in-between. Things floated meaninglessly from her thoughts and didn’t return until the plane touched down. She could grab drink after drink from the flight attendant and not worry about someone concerned for her health or mental well-being. She could sneer at the passengers who looked disdainful at her alcohol intake and rugged physical state. She would stare them in the eyes as she downed her drink, called for another, and looked out the window.
After all the devastation she wrecked on everyone else, it seemed only fitting she destroy her own life.
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She didn’t really have anywhere to go. Everything was a reminder of something. That was what led to the purple curtains being shut across her childhood windows, not to be opened again. She kept herself curled in the dark, her father’s knocking never bringing an answer from her lips. He opened the door to leave food that she didn’t eat and opened it again to take it away before it went bad.
A blanket was wrapped tightly around her body. The soft fabric touching every inch of her skin. On top of that was a sheet, a comforter, and another blanket. She wanted as much weight to keep her under as possible. It was warm underneath all of the covers and she knew that the back of her neck and knees were starting to perspire but she could not bring herself to care enough to move and get some relief. It could have been stifling and she would not have noticed.
The darkness of the room made it hard for her to know if her eyes were open or closed. Sleep called to her and sometimes she fell under its spell but mostly she was awake, though spent, unmoving, her mind floating away from her. She did her best to not think; keeping the thoughts at bay was the only way she was going to make it through. She was not doing well as it was.
Laura could not keep track of the days. The windows were always covered and though sunlight might have peeked through, the blankets covered her head. She was curled up in the fetal position, her muscles stiff from holding herself there. They would protest if she ever decided to move.
She stopped drinking water because she did not want to have to leave the confines of her bed. The glass sit on her bedside table, the water having gone stale. She had created a safe place that was not part of the world and she never wanted to have to go back into it.
Laura licked her lips; they were cracked and they hurt. She could barely swallow, her throat so dry it burned. Her hair was stuck to her face where it had been plastered by sweat and the rest was tangled and knotted. She sat up and her head swam as the blood rushed to it. She blinked and found herself face to face with her almost nude self in the mirror. She looked terrible, there was no way around it. The skin under her eyes looked bruise, her lids drooped from lack of sleep. Her body was covered with a thin layer of perspiration and grime.
She poked at her stomach where her ribs were visible. She hadn’t eaten in ten days, maybe more, she had lost track. Every muscle was stiff and she was almost afraid if she stood up, she’d fall over.
Her room was still dark. Finally, looking at the clock she saw it was past three. She assumed in the morning as the house was silent and there was no light sneaking in from under her bedroom door. She slowly rolled her ankles, which cracked loudly, and then her shoulders and neck. The kinks made her wince.
Laura slowly rose to her feet, finding herself slightly off balance but mostly stable. She wrapped the damp blanket she had been wrapped in for days around her body, too tired to put on anymore clothes. Creeping to the door, trying to avoid the creaks in the floor, she opened it slowly, listening into the hallway. She heard nothing. Her father’s door was closed, the lights off.
Sluggishly, she made her way down the hall to the stairs which she had to take one a time, hand on the wall and railing to keep herself upright. She hissed at the bottom when her bare feet landed on cold wood. It sent chills up her entire body.
She blinked, her eyes adjusting to the bright, fluorescent light in the kitchen. Everything seemed as it had always been; nothing out of place or changed. It was the kitchen she always new. At first it comforted her and then it made her angry. Everything was different now and she was stuck in a place where nothing evolved. She grabbed a cup from the same cupboard it had always been in. She twisted the faucet to cold and it stuck at the same place it always had.
The first sip was such a relief that she threw her head back and chugged the rest, the cold rushing down her throat into her empty stomach. She went to fill up the glass again when all of a sudden she doubled over in pain. “Ugh!”
The cup clattered into the sink and she bent over, her knuckles white as she gripped the counter. Cramps erupted all over her abdomen, sending spasms though her core. Sweat arose on her forehead and she was breathing heavily, her eyes closed tight, her mouth pulled into a grimace. She ground her teeth. Finally they abated enough where she could stand up straight again. She was still taking deep, slow breaths. Her body was begging for more water but she was afraid the cramps would only get worse.
Her dad still had an old landline so she grabbed it off the wall and slid herself to the floor, head falling back, almost lolling. She dialed a number, her fingers feeling heavy against the keys.
“Hello?” came a groggy voice.
She was still trying to catch her breath from pain and so she did not respond right away. “Hello?”
“Hey,” she sighed, “it’s me.”
“Oh my god, Laura!”
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Kirsch couldn’t remember if he had had any expectations and if so, he didn’t know exactly what they had been. But, it didn’t matter anymore. There was no explanation for the feelings he was currently having. Emma was the greatest thing that ever happened to him and she was the single most important thing every single moment of every single day. She consumed his life in a way that made him feel completely fulfilled. He wanted nothing else except to be with her. And so he was, every single minute of the day.
Months later and her laughter set his heart aflame. There was no cure for the utter joy he felt every time he laid eyes on her. And when he knelt on the ground over her, Danny by his side, he felt like the world had finally come together to make sense.
It didn’t stop the constant nagging worry that filled his gut when he couldn’t get in touch with Laura. It had been three months. He had left her numerous calls, as had Danny, Perry, and Lafontaine. He had arrived, unannounced on her doorstep. Mr. Hollis always let him in but he gained no admittance to her bedroom. She never even answered him through the door; he was met with complete silence. And it wasn’t like Laura; she never gave up on everything. She was always the go-getter, unstoppable even when it was to her detriment. And maybe it had all caught up with her finally. Or maybe Kirsch hadn’t realized just how dependent upon Carmilla she had become. He had his own life, his own family to focus on and he let Laura slip into something she couldn’t extricate herself from. He wouldn’t ever have been able to stop her from falling in love with Carmilla, but he might have been able to step between that and the total consumption that they both had fallen into together.
Danny didn’t even want to talk about it. She hated Carmilla with a vengeance that could not be hindered. Any mention of that name in the house set Danny off. And he understood. Danny had never been Carmilla’s number one fan though they had come to an agreement and a friendship had arisen. But, unlike him, Danny chose a side and that side was staunchly Laura’s, even though none of them had been able to talk to her since the breakup. And whether Danny really hated Carmilla, Kirsch questioned. She was fiercely loyal and would always do anything for Laura, so if Laura needed her to hate Carmilla, then that’s what she would do.
Kirsch didn’t have it in him to hate her. He knew her, probably more than their friends thought he did; he thought of her as a sister. And he wanted to reach out but he feared that would make it worse. She wouldn’t want to hear from him. She had cut ties and left without a word to anyone. So, he had tried to put it out of his mind. He took care of Emma, kissed Danny when she came home from work, and tried to ignore the past. He focused on Laura, getting her back to normal, which was impossible when she wouldn’t see him. And in doing so, he let another friend go.
Ring! Ring!
He sniffed and rolled.
Ring! Ring!
Danny groaned next to him.
Ring! Ring!
He pressed his cheek into the pillow.
Ring! Ring!
He sniffed again, his eyes opening slowly, groggily.
Ring! Ring!
He shook his head as he realized the noise that woke him so unceremoniously from his sleep, was not Emma, which would have had him off his back within seconds, but was his phone. He grappled blindly in the dark, knocking something off the table. Danny whacked him before turning away from him in the bed. He finally found the phone and tapped the screen repeatedly until it registered. “Hello?”
No answer. He squinted at the bright screen but couldn’t get his eyes to open enough to read the name.
“Hello?”
“Hey.” There was a sigh. “It’s me.”
He sat up ramrod straight in bed. “Oh my god, Laura!”
Danny almost jumped out of her skin next to him. She grabbed his arm, an inquisitive look on her face.
He tripped into his sweatpants and put his t-shirt on backwards in his rush to leave the house.
“Stay here with Emma,” he had said. “She just asked for me and I don’t want to push her too far.”
“Yeah, yeah, just let me know how it goes. Now, go, go.” Danny kissed him goodbye quickly. He grabbed his keys out of the drawer by the front door and shoved his phone deep into his pants pocket. The cold night air surprised him but he didn’t want to take the time to turn around for a jacket. He jogged to the car and jumped in. He had woken up too quickly and everything in his head was a jumble.
He knew the way to Laura’s dad’s house like the back of his hand until he remembered that he didn’t live in the house he had grown up in. He had to reorient himself and realized it was going to take a good thirty minutes or more to reach her.
His mind raced the entire time. How was she? What was he going to say? What was he even allowed to say? He didn’t want to mention anything without prompting; he had no idea what state she was going to be in. But he was overwhelmingly happy that she had finally reached out because he could not find any comfort within the emotional turmoil the past few months had wrought.
“Hey, I’m here.” He called her instead of knocking, not wanting to wake up Mr. Hollis. It was a little past four in the morning. He stood on the porch, rubbing his hands together, more from anxiousness than the cold. He heard the muffled sound of padding feet and then the click as the lock turned. The door slowly opened and the face that appeared was one he hardly recognized.
Her eyes were puffy and bruised; she looked absolutely exhausted. Her hair was down around her shoulders but looked as if it hadn’t been washed in days. She was wrapped in a blanket. He wanted to cry right then and there. She looked so small, so much smaller than usual.
The shy half-smile she gave him almost brought him to tears for the second time. “Hey, Kirsch.”
“L, oh my god.” He pushed open the door and swept her into his arms. There was no missing it, she had obviously lost a lot of weight. He put her down to look at her again and the blanket fell open. Kirsch’s breath caught in his throat. He couldn’t shake the memories of high school that flooded back in.
“Hey, Laura!” Kirsch said, a dopey smile on his face as he slid onto the bench across from her. “So, I think I’ve finally decided how to ask SJ to the dance. I mean it’s not great and she’ll probably say no because it’s stupid but… well, I know she always goes to the football games so I originally thought I’d ask her there but then I realized I’d be embarrassed because everyone goes to the football games so maybe not that. And then I was like, well, I’ll do it at lunch but also, very public. It makes me uncomfortable, so then I decided –“
His head quirked to the side as he took her in: she was frowning, her eyes glazed as she pushed food around her plate. She didn’t seem to even realize he was there. “L? Hey, Laura!”
She was completely dazed. He waved his hand in front of her face. “Earth to Laura!”
She jumped. “Kirsch, what -?”
“I’ve been talking to a wall here.”
“Sorry, I’m just really tired.” And she did look tired. She was always staying up too late to watch Doctor Who. “I gotta go.”
She pushed her tray to the middle of the table and stood up, walking away. “You’re not gonna eat?”
“I’m not hungry.”
That was the first “I’m not hungry” Kirsch heard from her and it took a bit but he soon caught on that Laura was often not hungry. It became her motto; something that she never went a whole day without saying once or twice. And as he watched, he realized that she spent a lot more time pushing food around her than she did putting it in her mouth. She became lethargic, always tired. Sometimes she fell asleep during class, which Laura Hollis didn’t even do when she pulled all night Harry Potter marathons on school nights. She never wanted to hang out or go out. She skipped football games and after school ice cream runs. When she did let Kirsch come over to watch a movie, he would bring bags of popcorn and ended up eating them himself. They used to fight over the bowl.
“Okay,” Kirsch said one day when he had finally decided she wasn’t going to get better on her own. He was yet again sitting across from her at lunch. This time she didn’t even have a tray to pretend. But he did, and he had filled it up with his usual and an apple. “I know we’ve never talked about this. And honestly, I don’t really know how to bring it up. So, we don’t have to get into it. But, you’re going to eat. And we can do it slowly. But it’s happening. Because this is not okay.”
Laura blinked at him. “I don’t know –“
“Don’t give me that crap, Laura.” He handed her an apple. “This is all I want from you. Eat this. Just this.”
She glared at the apple.
“I will sit here for as long as it takes.”
She glared at him.
After ten minutes of the stand off, she begrudgingly reached across and took a hesitant bite. “Happy?”
“No, all of it.”
And she did.
It wasn’t an easy road though. She had seemed to be doing really well for awhile and then during senior year it had all of sudden gotten really bad. She started to get really good at hiding it. But when Kirsch hadn’t seen her for days and she didn’t answer his texts, he went to Mr. Hollis. They found her curled up in pain on the floor of her bedroom one afternoon. Mr. Hollis forced her to go to the doctor and she was diagnosed with anorexia. Laura was furious but in the end, it was for the best. Saying she ever fully recovered was hard. She did get a lot better but there were still moments when the habits she had developed would wield their ugly head. But for the most part, she was consciously trying not to fall back into the eating disorder that had snuck up out of nowhere.
She had finally explained to Kirsch the thoughts she had that stopped her from eating. And it wasn’t about the food at all in the end. It was a means to an end. He didn’t know how far she would have gone if he hadn’t intervened and he didn’t want to think about it. She hid and fought but no matter the struggle, there was a certain line she had never been able to cross.
Until now. This time she had succeeded. Her muscle definition was gone and he could see her ribs protruding through her skin. She had been starving herself.
His eyes widened and she covered up quickly, ashamed. “L, What did you do?”
The next fifteen minutes was spent explaining the last three months. There wasn’t much to tell as Laura hadn’t left her bed. They were settled on the couch, Laura admitting that she had almost fallen asleep on the cold tile floor of the kitchen before he arrived and didn’t want either him or her father to walk in on her like that. The only thing he let her drink was water but she did it slowly.
“I had to eat some. But it was minimal,” she admitted. “Maybe a bite here or there or I would just take the cheese off a sandwich and eat that. And also not drinking water was horrible. I couldn’t do it. But getting up to go to the bathroom was too much work sometimes so I only took tiny sips. This past week was the worst. I can’t remember the last time I drank anything.”
She said this while taking a small sip, wincing in anticipation of the cramps that Kirsch knew weren’t unusual when you denied your body something it needed. But as he watched her, she seemed to go unscathed this time.
“Laura, I tried.”
She looked down, her fingers fiddling with the cup. “I know.”
“You scared everyone.”
“I think I scared myself,” she admitted. “Something happened, I don’t even know what it was, but for the first time I felt like I had things I needed to do.”
She laughed softly. “And I really don’t. I’m on sabbatical from The Journal. That’s all I ever did aside from…”
“What, L?”
“I guess I was taking care of other people so much that I forgot how to take care of myself.”
Kirsch gave her a soft and understanding smile.
“But that’s over know. Even Ra-Ra’s gone.”
“Actually, Bagheera isn’t gone. She’s at my house. But if that’s not okay –“
“No,” Laura shook her head vigorously, “I’m not punishing the cat for what happened. It’s not her fault and she wouldn’t understand.”
Kirsch sighed, relieved. “Well, that’s good because she’s kinda like Cooper’s new best friend.”
Laura chuckled and then winced. “My stomach still hurts.”
“It might for a while.” She finished her water. “Lets get you showered and back into bed, but this time only for a couple hours.”
She nodded. “I don’t want my dad to see me like this if I can spare him.”
“He wouldn’t care.”
“I don’t want him to worry.”
“Eh, I’m not sure you avoided that one, L.” He followed her up the stairs. She opened the door to her room and he gagged. The air was stagnant and smelled like sweat and old food.
“Oh my god,” he managed to get out, not breathing through his noise.
Laura’s hand was covering her nose and mouth. Her teeth were clenched. “I didn’t know how bad it was when I was living in it.”
He needed to air the place out so he began making a list in his head. They had a few hours until Mr. Hollis would wake up and by that time, Kirsch wanted the place cleaned up and Laura looking as normal as she could. Mr. Hollis had been a wreck since she had stumbled back home but if Kirsch could spare him some of it, he agreed with Laura that that would be best.
Kirsch felt the water streaming from the faucet to make sure it was warm and then switched the shower on. He took the nasty blanket from around Laura and dropped it outside the door as she undressed. He helped her into the shower and followed in after her. “Kirsch, what are you –“
“I’m helping, L. Let me.”
“Your clothes are all wet.”
“Then I guess I’ll just have to borrow yours.” This earned him a smile. Her hair was worse than anticipated and it took a good ten minutes for him to brush the tangles out. She murmured when the hot water rushed through it and seemed to sink a bit into him as he lathered shampoo into it, scrubbing her scalp.
By the time he was done with her hair, she had begun to shiver even under the hot stream of water. He stepped out of the shower. “I’ll let you do the rest. And then we’ll get you into something warm.”
Kirsch stripped off his now soaked sweatpants and shirt, throwing them on top of the blanket in the hallway. He made sure not to breathe as he entered her room. He threw open the curtains, the streetlights illuminating the dark room. He pushed open all three windows, hoping the breeze would be enough to dissipate the stench. Just in case though, he lit the old lavender candle sitting on Laura’s desk.
As far as he could ascertain, there was not food in the room, which was lucky. So, he set to ripping the dirty sheets off the bed and added them to the pile by the bathroom door. “You done, Laura? I’ve brought clothes.”
The water turned off and a hand reached out for the towel. She hugged it to her shivering form as she tried to dry and stay warm at the same time. She snorted when she saw him. “You need clothes.”
“I will get some but first, put these on.” He handed her clean underwear and then helped her into a pair of sweatpants and a sweatshirt. She hugged herself tightly when dressed.
“Thank you.” It was so quiet it sounded like she breathed the words.
He grimaced. “Oh, yikes, okay. I was gonna send you straight to bed, but no, brush your teeth.”
While she was doing that, he grabbed the dirty laundry from outside the door and bounded down the stairs to the laundry room, throwing them in for a deep wash. When he got back upstairs, he checked the bathroom but Laura was gone. He looked in her bedroom and found her curled up on the unmade bed, looking half-asleep.
“It’s not suitable for habitation in here yet. You’re sleeping in the guest room.” He bent down and reached out, scooping her into his arms.
“I can walk, Kirsch,” she said, groggily.
“I got you, Laura.”
Kirsch found himself in the living room wearing a pair of spandex shorts and a very tight sweatshirt, watching the sun beginning to rise out the window when Mr. Hollis appeared.
“What are you doing here, Kirsch?” he asked, surprised. “And where’s, Laura?”
He jumped up, knowing he looked ridiculous. His clothes were still drying. “Laura is okay. She’s sleeping in the other room.”
Kirsch had put new sheets on the bed and dusted. It probably needed vacuuming but it had been to early in the morning for that. The smell was lingering but not as strong and in a few more hours might be bearable or completely gone.
“She called me last night.”
“How is she?”
“I don’t know in that sense. But, I think she’s ready to try to move forward with things. We didn’t talk about Carmilla, if that’s what you mean.”
“She never told me what happened.” Mr. Hollis was visibly uncomfortable.
Kirsch’s shoulders moved to his ears in a sad, slow, shrug. He wished he had pockets to stuff his hands into. “She never told anyone.”
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She played with the leather box, rolling it between her fingers, opening the lid just to look at the glittering crystal surface inside, and then closing it again, resuming her initial action. The box grew heavier with every second she held it until it felt like she was holding a boulder, one that was blocking her road, creating an end where one should not have existed. She didn’t look up when someone cleared their throat in the doorway; she knew it was Will. The bed dipped as he sat down next to her and she opened the box, allowing him to look at the ring. He waited for her to say something, but there was nothing she could think of to start off this conversation about something she knew she would ruin. “Just give it to her already. I don’t know what you’re waiting for anymore. She’ll say ‘yes’ if that’s what you’re worried about. Just do it.”
Her throat felt like it was closing up, swelling to stop her from speaking but she managed to anyhow, “I can’t.”
“What?” Will demanded suddenly, clearly surprised by her answer.
“I can’t,” the words came out even quieter than the first time, almost a whisper.
“I don’t understand. What do you mean you can’t?”
“I can’t do this. I can’t marry her.”
Will laughed but the sound slowly ebbed away, “You’re serious. You’re not just screwing with me.”
Carmilla did not answer; he had stated the questions because there was no way her face could make him believe this was a joke. She felt like she couldn’t breathe. “I can’t. I can’t take her life away from her.”
“Carmilla, you’re not making any sense. You two already have a life together. You know she wants this.” He was trying to get her to change her mind but the vision of fear clouded everything, turning whatever perfect future she might have, gray. It wasn’t even fear for herself anymore, but for Laura.
“You don’t get it, Will. She’s already given up years of her life to me. I don’t know how I let it happen. I was selfish. I took what I wanted,” Will tried to interrupt her but she needed him to listen to her, “Don’t even try to say that she wanted it to. I know she did. Maybe she’s good for me, but I’m not good for her. She’s already started to stop trusting me. I must’ve given her a very good reason for that.”
“There’s nothing she shouldn’t trust you about,” Will said, doing his best to calm her but his best wasn’t good enough. She laughed, holding in tears, “There’s so much you don’t know. Some days are good and some are just absolutely terrible.”
“I haven’t -”
“Do you really think you would have? We aren’t ones to air our dirty laundry to anyone. We’re adults and we deal with it. No one else needs to be involved. But because of that, you don’t know what’s been going on.” She was trying to explain that this wasn’t as sudden as it seemed to him. She had had this ring for… she couldn’t even remember. But now but when things started to go downhill, she couldn’t bring herself to tell him about it.
“I thought you told me everything.”
“I tell you what I can,” she looked back down at the ring box, as she rubbed her hand across its surface.
“You guys can work it out.” He was adamant.
“That’s the thing. I don’t think we can. And, I think we both know it. And if she said ‘yes,’ I would know that I was dragging her down into something that she would hate for the rest of her life,” it was starting to get really hard for her to hold in the tears because talking about it, made it more real than just knowing it herself, “She’s the greatest thing to ever happen to me and I can’t hold her back. There’s so much she wants out of life and she’s not satisfied with what I’m willing to give her.”
He was flabbergasted, “You guys have traveled the world. You moved into a city, got an apartment. You both have jobs. You both have a great group of friends if I say so myself,” he grabbed her hand so she would look at him, “Carmilla, you do realize the bounds you have made. There’s rather a lack of panic attacks. You get into cars as if you never had a problem with them. You haven’t gone out fighting. You actually act like you care about people, even though we all knew you cared at the beginning.”
“She’s changed me. Great.”
He hung his head, “No, I didn’t mean – Listen. You are still the same sister you’ve always been. Sarcastic, an annoying flirt, secretive, intelligent, whatever other adjective I could think of that makes you who you are. But ever since Laura, you’ve opened up more. You’ve started dealing with the things you never wanted to even talk about before. It helps that mother is pretty much entirely gone now but that’s not the only thing that was holding you back. You’ve finally done all of your self-given penance about Elle and found something in your life that makes you want to keep living. You didn’t have that before. Maybe you wouldn’t have killed yourself, I really don’t think you would have. But you sure as hell didn’t care if you died. That’s what’s changed.”
She was giving him a harder time than necessary. She was well aware of how much her mind had cleared and allowed for better logical thought than she had had. There was no constant lack of concern for her well-being or fear about her mother. But because of that clarity, she knew exactly why things wouldn’t work. She wasn’t trying to trick herself anymore. “Will, you’re just telling me everything I already know. That doesn’t change the fact that we want different things. I can’t give her what she wants.”
“But she can give you what you want.”
Carmilla looked pointedly at him. “She’s the only thing I want.”