Epilogue
Overall it was an easy, logical decision. The boredom had set in but so had the controversy and cover-ups that she couldn’t stomach. It was the dark side of the industry that she thought she had escaped with The Journal, but apparently Vordenberg was not as clean as his reputation suggested. She had a hard time reading the op-ed on him because he had been kind to her and had given her a shot when there was no reason for him to. But the second was too much to ignore; the evidence was more than damning and he went into hiding. She stayed longer than she should have, until she couldn’t face herself any more. The newspaper was already discredited, her work wasn’t being read as usual and there was no chance anyone could take her articles seriously anymore. Everything was under intense criticism.
Along with the turn of events she had never anticipated came a change of heart. She had thought she would be working at The Journal for the rest of her life. That’s where she envisioned herself winning a Pulitzer. That’s where she envisioned her retirement. But, she came to a point in which she was no longer fulfilled. It came amidst much change in her life and at first she thought it was only a reaction to those other evolutions. But, months later, almost a year, and she could no longer deny the fact that there was something missing from the venture, something that she had once had: it came in the form of hope and joy and passion. And she couldn’t pretend like she wasn’t trying to make her job something it wasn’t in lieu of what she had lost. The chasm was becoming so big that neither parts of her life were being filled.
Coming to a stop on Main Street was still a jolt to the heart; it was an onslaught of memories. As she stepped out of the car and stood under the arch, she couldn’t stop herself from shedding tears. Silas University. She was back yet again.
It did feel a little bit like going back in time as she crossed the quad. Ghosts of her friends appeared, moving across the grass, laughing with full backpacks and studying on their mind. She ducked her head and smiled.
The key turned easily in the lock and the door swung open upon a new yet homey space. There was one large window through which the sun shone, illuminating the oblong office that she could now call hers. She ran her finger across a desk that was cracked, the finish rubbed off in some places from overuse. It was sturdy. It was what she needed to start her new life. The bookshelves set up against the walls to her right and left were filled not only with her own library but with the books left behind by the previous owner’s of the office. It was a tradition, a sort of passing of the baton. She tried not to start thinking of what books she would leave behind.
She had never given a thought to teaching until she one day, she had. And from that moment on, she breathed freely. It had never crossed her mind that she belonged right where she had began. She sat at the large, empty desk, imagining students walking through the door. She imagined the stacks of papers to grade. She imagined the endless spreadsheets and syllabi. She imagined learning lists of names. But mostly, the one thing she imagined clearly was being happy.
It had been a long time since she felt that reassurance; that the path she was taking in her life was indeed to make it better. She was caring for herself, taking her own needs and wants into consideration and it had made all the difference. She had never seen Kirsch smile as wide as he had when she told him she was returning to Silas. He told her to makes sure she kept that Zeta journalism majors in line and if she needed any help, he was a phone call away. Danny seemed worried at first that Laura was regressing, taking steps back to find what she had lost. And in a way she was, but now she was looking for different things and Danny had pulled her into a hug, “I’ll always love you, Laura.” And it wasn’t uncomfortable; it was heartfelt and Laura felt herself saying it back in a way that she hadn’t been able to for years.
Lafontaine and Perry were the least surprised by the choice. Perry smiled knowingly and Lafontaine said something along the lines of, “That’s always where you’ve belonged. Glad you finally figured it out, frosh.”
These weren’t goodbyes. Styria was only a few hours away and Laura had holidays and summers off to visit. They all promised to come back to Silas. Kirsch thought it would be fun to show Emma around; he was already trying to raise the newest legacy of the Summer Society. If not granted access, Lafontaine wanted to break into the science buildings and see what updates had been made to the labs. Perry would come to put a stop to that.
Laura had been fearful at first. What would be brought up upon her return? It scared her; she feared that she would fall back into the devastation she had clambered out of. But, this had been a place filled with every memory from broken hearts to complete happiness. There was never going to be a place where her heart was free from the small twinge every now and again and she couldn’t continue to avoid the entire world for the rest of her life.
And sitting behind the desk, looking out the window at an empty campus that would be filled in the next couple of weeks, she sighed, letting out tension. Her body felt new. How long she had been holding that in for, she couldn’t say, but she did know that the reflection of herself she was currently seeing in the window was the most relaxed, the most free, the most her that she had ever seen.
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“Layton, stop running!” she reprimanded loudly. The grocery store was more crowded than she had expected for a Thursday morning and Layton was dashing away from her, weaving in and out of people and getting in the way of everyone. The bright blue eyes turned to look at her, a wide and untainted smile on the tiny face as she grabbed the little body in her arms and nuzzled their noses together, “You are gonna get us both in trouble, you little monster.”
He giggled as she tickled his sides and squirmed in her arms but then he settled down and swivelled the top half of his body so that he could look in the direction they were heading.
“Can we get blueberries?” he asked in the cute but too loud voice of a child.
“We’ll see. Mommy has to get some fish for dinner.” He sucked in his cheeks making his lips into a fish face, “Fishy. Fishy. Fishy.”
She let a bright laugh escape her lips. “What kind of fish do you want?”
“I don’t like fish.”
She laughed again, “Yes, you do. You eat it all the time.”
“No, I don’t.”
“What did you eat yesterday?”
He smiled mischievously, “Nothing.”
She narrowed her eyes playfully at him, “Are you lying to me?”
Giggling, “No.”
“Are you sure?
“No.”
“Aha! That’s what I thought,” she pinched his nose. Guiding them towards the fish aisle they passed the produce section and his eyes grew wide with delight. For a little kid, he was often amazed and in awe of the strangest things but she found it entirely endearing. Not wanting to make him sad she turned her head to whisper in his ear, “Guess what?”
“What?”
“We’ll get blueberries before we leave.”
“Yay, blueberries!” She hitched him up further on her hip as she headed up to the fish counter and pointed out the couple that she deemed good quality and the man behind the counter quickly wrapped them and handed them to her with a smile and wave at Layton. She was headed back to the produce section with Layton chanting, “Blueberries! Blueberries!,” when she remembered that she also needed to pick up more peanut butter. “One second bud, I almost forgot.”
She was grabbing a jar off the shelf when she froze. Layton poked her on the cheek but she was stuck in place, delayed in movement by a flash from the past. Throughout the air rang a contagious laugh, a smile-rendering giggle, a tinkling sound she thought she would never hear again. It caught her completely off-guard; memories colliding with each other as they flooded her brain as they once had. “Mommy?”
Layton’s voice is what brought her back to the real world and the sounds of the grocery store invaded her hearing once again, though she had not realized everything had gone quiet in the first place. She was not entirely sure of the direction the sound had came from, it seemed to envelope the very air she was breathing so she turned left to leave the aisle when she met eyes with a woman, causing them both to jolt to a stop. The woman’s eyes widened and her mouth parted while she could only stare absently back. She watched the eyes as they flickered to the boy in her arms and a flash of sadness crossed them before they returned to her own.
Layton seemed to realize something was off because he stopped poking her in the face and was staring at the woman across from them. As they looked at each other, neither wanting to break the glance, every single emotion, touch, experience, came back in one fell swoop, creating a tension in the air between them that was taught with confusion. With her gaze still on the other woman, she bent her knees and set Layton on the ground; he wrapped his arms around her leg. With that movement, the woman looked down at him and smiled, her face a mixture of wistfulness and hurt yet she still did not speak.
It seemed as if they both never imagined this moment to arise and here they were, stunned. She was completely lost for words because this is what she had left; she had given it all up and here it was presented before her as if a second chance waited. Of course, that would never be the case but it was the first thought that crossed her mind.
“Hey,” the woman almost whispered, a shy, uncomfortable smile appearing on her face.
“Hey,” she returned, running her hand through Layton’s hair as he continued to look up at the both of them in silence. The grip on her hand tightened as Layton squeezed on it, “Mommy?”
“Mommy?” The words came from the mouth of the other woman sounding very dejected, torn, and confused.
“Laura?” It was as if a trance was lifted from the two as a curly red-haired woman appeared in the aisle. Perry’s eyes widened in shock as she took in the sight and her mouth opened and closed a few times before it hung open. She looked between the two not knowing how to react before clearing her throat, “I’ll just be,” she pointed vaguely off to her right, “…yeah.”
She bent down to pick the little boy up again; he seemed to become very nervous around the strangers. “Layton, this is Laura.”
She spoke to him gently, gesturing at the woman before her. Layton hid his head in her neck and she was about to apologize when, “Hi, Layton.”
She scrunched her neck up to look at her little boy, who was peeking an eye out from his hiding spot, “Why don’t you say hi? It’s okay.”
He completely un-tucked his head and looked at Laura with wide, piercing eyes, “Hi.”
The words came out sheepishly and he began to lower his head but then it popped back up again. “Do you like my bow?”
Layton’s hand shot up to his head where there was a bright purple bow clipped into his hair. Laura chuckled and the sound pulled at Carmilla’s heart. “Your bow is very pretty.”
Laura’s smile vanished almost as quickly as it had appeared when she met Carmilla’s eyes again. There was so much depth there; so many things left unsaid. “He looks just like you.”
Carmilla bit back the sentence that had wanted to escape her tongue; she would let Laura think whatever made her happy or maybe not so happy in this aspect. Layton’s the reason she has come to this point in her life. In a very odd way, he saved her. “So, how -”
“I don’t know what you want me to say, Carm.” The nickname was like a knife, cutting straight through her chest, hitting bone. There was a stinging behind her eyes but she would not let herself shed a tear for her own decision years ago. She had already shed enough of them. A day had not gone by when Laura had not crossed her mind but seeing her was entirely different. She could feel her heart pounding in her chest; she was almost shaking.
“Yeah, you’re right, I don’t know what I was thinking.” She picked Layton up. Laura did not look like she could speak and there was nothing Carmilla could say; she was better off leaving so they could both go back to their lives. Layton put his hand on her chest, “Mommy I can feel your heart. It's fast.”
Carmilla froze. Kids always knew the worst things to say and chose the worst moments to say them. All Carmilla did was give Laura an awkward smile and a head nod before turning to leave. Layton was polite, “Bye bye.”
She was almost out of the aisle when Laura spoke so soft that she almost missed it, “I loved you.”
Her boots stopped in their tracks and she swayed slightly at the sudden halt. They should not be doing this after all of these years. If they were going to talk, they should have done it sooner because it was too hard now. So much time had passed. Carmilla had lived an entire other life without Laura. But even after all of these years, she could not bring herself to just walk away from the woman she had given everything to. So, despite everything in her body telling her to just keep walking, she turned around. “I know.”
Laura was looking at her shoes, her head nodding, all the signs of holding back tears that Carmilla never once forgot. Laura’s head lifted up so that she was looking at Carmilla, her lips were quivering and her eyes were scrunched up, already red. The voice that escaped her lips shuddered and cracked, “I still do.”
“That…that I did not know.” The words slipped from Carmilla’s mouth without thought and she wished she could pull them back, letter by letter and break them into pieces. Her instincts drew her to comfort Laura and her feet moved forward just to do so but when she came close enough to touch, she hesitated. It was inappropriate. Her hand fell back to her side. Layton whispered, “Mommy, why is she crying?”
“One second, bud.” Laura had watched her walk the length of the aisle but now she was looking anywhere but at Carmilla. I am going to do something completely stupid.
“J'ai été amoureux de personne, et ne le serai jamais, à moins qu'il ne soit de toi.” Carmilla blanched as Laura’s head snapped around, her face slack but full of comprehension. Leave it to Laura to remember the very little French that Carmilla had taught her to put the gist of the sentence together. She had hoped she could have said it and left, leaving Laura with at least some last words even if she had not known what she had said. The years without Laura had made her forget to not underestimate her; she was full of surprises.
Laura’s voice was still trembling from the effort to keep the tears in, which was failing, and she mirrored Carmilla’s previous thought, “I am going to do something completely stupid.”
Carmilla did not even have time to figure out what that might mean when Laura’s fingers shocked the skin on her left cheek and the familiar sensation of Laura’s lips pressed into her own. It was wet with tears and sloppy from the awkward angle. It was closed lips and pressure but even just that was enough to rip Carmilla to the core. She had done her best to move on to forget this feeling and it only took one moment to make it all come rushing back with the realization that this was never something she could move on from. Laura pulled back suddenly, tears abundant on her cheeks, “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have…”
Carmilla studied Laura’s face wanting to do nothing else than feel Laura’s lips against hers again but she had learned much over the years and her instincts fought against the strong urge to grab Laura’s face. A flicker of red over Laura’s shoulder made Carmilla lose her concentration and she saw Perry, a woman she had avoided all of these years, staring at her with malice, “Laura, I think it's about time we left.”
“I’m sorry, Per -”
“I think you’ve done enough,” Perry snapped at Carmilla who was only trying to explain the situation.
Laura sniffled and turned, “Perry, she didn’t do anything. I kissed her.”
Carmilla reached her hand out to touch Laura’s arm for comfort. It was the first time she had initiated contact and Laura reacted as if she had been shocked. “I didn’t stop it.”
“Laura, you’ve worked so hard.”
“Perry, I really don’t think this is the time or place to talk about this.”
Perry looked back and forth between them, “Fine. Then I’ll be waiting in the car. I will not watch this.”
“About what?” Carmilla asked with the inkling she knew already.
Laura wrung her hands with nerves, building up the courage to speak. Layton was watching with rapt attention, still in Carmilla’s arms, where he was growing heavier and heavier with each passing moment. “It wasn’t easy when you left.”
“I didn’t just leave, Laura.”
“I know, I know, that’s not what I meant,” her eyes shut tight in frustration, “I just meant…it wasn’t easy. I fell apart. Perry was there for that. She hasn’t really trusted me to make my own choices since then. And she never forgave you even when I told her it was both of us.”
“She was always your friend first.” Laura didn’t argue like she used to about how all of her friends were Carmilla’s as well. When they had split up, no one but Kirsch had reached out to Carmilla and she had not expected them to. Even with Kirsch, it was once or twice in the beginning before she told him he needed to take care of Laura and to forget about her. He surprised her by actually listening to the order but in the end, it had been for the best. The farther she split herself off from Laura and Laura’s life, the better she would do on her own.
All of a sudden, Laura’s eyes widened and her mouth fell open, “Oh my god. I am so sorry. I’m such an idiot. I can’t believe I kissed you. And with Layton here. I hope I didn’t ruin anything. I’m sure she’s wonderful. Oh my god. What have I done?”
It took Carmilla a few seconds to catch on and remember that Laura knew nothing about her life and where it had taken her. She tried to appease her, “There’s no one. There’s nothing to worry about.”
Laura took a deep breath to settle herself. But it did not take long for her thinking look to come about her face, the one that Carmilla knew so well. She couldn’t help but smile, “I know you want to ask. I don’t think you should right now.”
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In the absence of Layton, without the blessing of any of their friends, they sat down with each other.
They both tried to avoid recounting the days after the breakup but it became unavoidable. Carmilla listened, her jaw clenched, when Laura recounted her devastating self-imprisonment. Laura cried hearing about the battering Carmilla had subjected herself to. They both heard of each other’s spirals but then also of the rebirth.
“You can ask now.”
“He looks exactly like you.”
And that was all it took for them to tell each other everything; to break through the walls that they had built to keep each other out.
Carmilla found it hard to describe the relationship she had fallen into when she was sitting across from the woman she had always loved more than anyone else. Laura look betrayed and for good reason. Carmilla had been adamantly against kids and now, she had one. She found it hard to describe the reasons why. Everything about this was hard. But, Laura didn’t flinch at the fact that Will had been the sperm donor. She didn’t cringe when Carmilla confessed that the only reason she had agreed to a child was to fulfill the wish of a dying woman. Laura reached across the table when Carmilla shed a tear telling her about the death of the woman she had married.
But Laura did have one question. “You finally wanted kids then?”
Carmilla was silent for a few seconds. She loved Layton, she really did. There was nothing she wouldn’t do for him and she couldn’t imagine her life now with him. But, that didn’t change how she had felt. “No, I didn’t.”
“But you did it for her?”
The part Laura didn’t say was, “And you couldn’t do it for me.”
Carmilla’s feelings about the situation were very convoluted. She didn’t want to sound callous but she didn’t want to deceive. “We both knew we loved each other as much as we could. I don’t know what that means but it was exactly what we both needed. That little bit of understanding that we were both longing for something different.”
“We were in a hospital room and she grabbed my hand and with a ferocity in her eyes I had never seen said, ‘I want to have a kid before I die.’ It wasn’t a good reason to have a kid. It was a way for her to stay alive. It was a way for her family to continue. I think I said yes because she never mentioned it again. She had been so desperate and that plagued me. And then we were rushing because we didn’t know what was going to happen. We shouldn’t have done it. I wasn’t going to carry a baby. Her health was declining. She should not have put that stress on her body."
“I think we were relieved when Will agreed. I didn’t think he would but some people are hard to deny things to and she was one of them. And I don’t think anyone thought she’d last to term or that the baby would survive. She got so sick, so fast. It was frightening. But she did. And she got to see him. And she got to know him for a couple months and then she was gone.”
There was a look on Laura’s face that Carmilla couldn’t quite place. And then there was a sudden realization. Their confessions of love. The kiss. The look of adoration but confusion on Laura’s face when she saw Layton. “I don’t have some fairytale story of having a change of heart, Laura. I love Layton but I don’t want another kid.”
Laura nodded, having to wipe tears from her face. She hadn’t prepared herself for an answer she had already known.
Laura at first felt ashamed admitting that there was no one else. She wanted them to be on even ground. But she also knew that there was no one else that could ever come across her path that would compare. And while Carmilla had seemed able to live with what she got, Laura knew that she couldn’t go into something half-heartedly. She didn’t want to have to. She wanted to find the type of love she knew existed. She didn’t want to have to pretend. Carmilla’s had responded with respectful acknowledgement and silent agreement. There was no sign of anything self-serving.
“I wish you would ask me something,” Laura admitted.
Carmilla had avoided asking questions. She knew this woman more than she knew anyone else but time had passed and things had changed; she didn’t want to overstep boundaries. “Why did you come back here?”
“I could ask you the same thing,” Laura retorted. Carmilla couldn’t help the corners of her mouth lifting at the fiery response. Carmilla had come back because there was nowhere else to go. The short amount of time she had spent in Silas had been the years of her life in which her sense of home solidified. She didn’t want Layton to have the same childhood she did, moving from city to city, never having roots, never having friends. Silas was where she had found all of that.
“You wanted me to ask you a question. That’s my question.”
Laura looked at her, a wistful expression on her face. “It’s home.”
“It’s home.” Carmilla agreed, for the first time willing to put her heart in a precarious position.
And there was hope in that.