Chapter 15
Laura stomped up the porch stairs and slammed her fist against the door. ”
“Carm?” Carmilla looked up from her notebook where her nose had been stuck for most of the day. “Cupcake.”
“I think we need to talk.” Carmilla put her hands out, pulling Laura into her lap. She kissed her cheek, her ear, her neck, “Are you sure we can’t do something a little bit more fun?”
Laura pushed her away and stood up, noticing the glass on the table. For weeks, she hadn’t seen Carmilla without the crystal companion. Carmilla downed the drink, “Fine, then. About what?”
Laura pointed at the suspect, “About that.”
Carmilla looked at the glass, her eyes widening, “What has the whiskey done to you?”
Laura threw her hands up, “It’s what the whiskey is doing to you, Carm! I don’t – when did this happen?”
“Since I started feeling like we weren’t the same as before. Since I went to Mattie.”
Mattie. Laura glowered at the door. That was the conversation that found Laura fuming, her chest heaving, standing on the porch of Carmilla’s old house. The door opened. Mattie stood on the other side, her elegance not softened by how she nonchalantly leaned against the door. “What a sur-”
“It was you,” Laura poked hard at Mattie’s chest and stepped into the house, uninvited, “Carmilla’s drinking because of you.”
“A good drink never hurt anyone,” Mattie said, grabbing Laura’s hand and removing it from her chest.
“Except for when she doesn’t talk to me anymore and spends all of her time wrapped up in whiskey and her book!”
Mattie’s smile soured, “I would suppose she tried. And by suppose I mean know because she told me. That she tried to talk to the woman she as in love with, who barely gave her the time of day. Maybe if you were there for her when she needed-“
“Oh, do not turn this around on me! I have been working my ass off every day and when I come home, I then have to deal with a not sober Carmilla.
“Oh, cupcake. Is that what she calls you? It seems a little too sweet for my taste but then again, Carmilla always had other interests. Let’s discuss how you’re rarely there. How you forgot she was writing a book and since finding out again that she is doing so, haven’t even stopped once to ask her how it’s going. How you don’t seem to notice that Carmilla, world-traveler with an amazing intellect who has never been tied down until you, is wasting away inside that apartment of yours as she waits for you to do what you love. So, I don’t see the problem with Carmilla having an occasional drink to help with her writing and also with your continuous absence. I see the problem though. It’s standing right in front of me.”
“How can you be so…?” Laura struggled for the right words. Mattie had absolutely no right to talk to her like she knew anything about Laura or even Carmilla. Because she didn’t and her assumption made Laura want to scream out every hateful thing she ever felt. But she didn’t and Mattie kept talking, “What? Intuitive? Observant? Those weren’t the words you were looking for, I’m guessing. I’m not trying to step in and be the savior. I know what my prior relationship with my siblings entailed and I’m not proud of it. So, I’m only here to try and help them. I care about them. And when my sister comes to me, crying because her girlfriend has no time for her and her life feels like it has no meaning - or less meaning than usual; Carmilla has never really thought her life had meaning. That was until she met you. She was falling apart. And maybe if you weren’t so wrapped up in yourself, you could have seen that too.”
Laura was at a loss for words. She had come to tell Mattie off and it ended up being the other way around. Mattie stepped toward her, causing Laura to back up to the door. “And I would appreciate it, if you would not come to my house and accuse me of ruining Carmilla’s life. Because I think you need to take some time and really look at how your relationship with my sister is panning and out and maybe question why she felt the need to come see me instead of just talking to you.”
Laura was out the door, back on the porch and Mattie was shutting the door in her face. She was stunned.
“So, I had an interesting conversation.” Carmilla was waiting for Laura outside of The Journal building. Laura startled backward; it had been quite awhile since Carmilla had met her after work. She was lazily leaning against one of the columns. There were take-out cups on the ground next to her. She was peering around the pole, looking at Laura, an amused expression settled onto her face.
Laura collected herself, “And what was that about?”
Carmilla bent down to pick up the cups and handed one to Laura. She threw her arm around Laura’s shoulders. Things had been changing very quickly since Laura confronted Carmilla. And if she was giving Mattie any credit at all, she should have talked with Carmilla much earlier than she did. She took what Carmilla said at the wedding as a promise for complete change right away without actually discussing the problem. “If you could believe, some creampuff went and confronted my sister.”
Laura frowned, “Are you mad?”
“Entertained,” Carmilla shifted her head to look at Laura, “You took on Mattie.”
“I was pissed,” Laura admitted, “And I didn’t know what to do. And she said some things that weren’t entirely wrong. About me. About us.”
Carmilla was silent and Laura couldn’t help the next question that came out of her mouth because it was the only thing she had been thinking about for a very long time, “Are we gonna be okay?”
Carmilla tugged her closer, smiling, “We’re gonna be great.”
But for some reason, the tone of her voice didn’t give Laura much hope.
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“Booker! Booker!”
Perry came out from the back looking agitated and even more so when she saw Carmilla, “Carmilla, can you please not come into the bakery yelling. There are people here trying to eat.”
“Sure, sure, is Booker working?” Perry pointed toward the back as she tried to apologize to the customers. Carmilla pushed through the door singing, “Booker!”
The fridge door opened and his shaggy black hair popped out and he bowed, “Countess.”
She returned the bow. It had become their version of a special handshake. When it had started, Carmilla couldn’t pinpoint, but Booker was this oddity of a person who she had never had one single qualm about. “I need your help.”
“What can I do to be of service?”
"Laura.”
“Ah,” he said, setting a carton of eggs on the table, “Women. My specialty.”
Carmilla pretended to barf, “Aren’t you dating two right now? That don’t know about each other? Settle down.”
“Actually, after I broke it off with Anna, I realized that I was really in love with Felicity and I told her and she was not okay about it but she came around,” he paused, looking up at the ceiling, “I think I’m gonna marry her. Wait! Is that what you need help with with Laura?”
His eyes had lit up but Carmilla shook her head, thinking of the ring hidden in the apartment, “No, no. We just got back to a place where we might be able to move forward from. I just want to make a big gesture.”
“Carmilla Karnstein is coming to me about romance?”
“I’ve already taken her on a tour of Europe. I used my one big idea. I’m kinda at a loss right now.” It felt different with Laura now and Carmilla was at a loss. “Oh, who am I kidding? Of course, you can’t help.”
She started out of the kitchen. “Wait, no, I’ll try to think of something, alright?”
She threw him a look over her shoulder, “You’re not gonna think of anything, are you?”
He smiled wide; it reminded her a little bit of Kirsch, “Definitely not.”
“Leaving already?” Perry asked, less agitated than before. Carmilla nodded. Perry stared at her, “You interrupted everyone by shouting, for five minutes?”
Carmilla shrugged, “It was important.”
Carmilla was not going to give up that easy even though she didn’t really know why she felt the need to make some huge gesture. Lafontaine had terrible advice, “Why don’t you just ask her to marry you?”
“Oh, I don’t know, maybe just because we’ve both changed so much and we have to learn each other again.” So Carmilla had her laptop open with a million tabs, trying to figure something out when Laura came into the room startling her. She slammed the laptop shut and Laura’s brow furrowed, “What are you doing?”
Carmilla sat back against the wall and shrugged, “Nothing.”
Laura came over to the bed and reached out for the laptop, which Carmilla swiped into her arms. Her hand froze out above the covers, “That doesn’t look like nothing.”
“Its nothing.” Laura looked like she wanted to argue but with their new attempts she stood back up, “Okay.”
Carmilla let out a breath because she did appreciate what Laura was doing, trying to let her have something for herself, giving her some privacy. Carmilla threw the laptop back on the bed, ‘There. I swear its not a big deal though.”
Laura’s fingers were itching to open it and as soon as Carmilla gave her the get-go, she did. Her eyes whizzed back and forth trying to figure out what she was looking at but it wasn’t clicking. Carmilla leaned up, “I wanted to do something big after everything that happened.”
“Carm,” Laura said, sitting on the bed and pulling Carmilla into a hug, “You don’t have to do that.”
“I know but I -“
“Its completely unnecessary,” Laura cut her off, “This isn’t about that, right? This is about us coming back to each other.”
Laura gestured at the laptop, flippantly, “That’s not gonna help.”
Carmilla pulled out of her arms, “This is all I know how to do.”
Laura gave her a look, “Um…that’s not true. Coming to pick me up from work. That’s what we talked about, right? The little things. Finding each other again.”
And Laura was right; that had been their discussion. So, Carmilla smiled, leaning over and kissing Laura’s head, “Okay, creampuff.”
“That’s it?” Laura asked. It was new to them; the coming to a solution without a drawn-out argument. Carmilla nodded, “That’s it.”
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Danny’s promotion didn’t come as a surprise. Wilhemina Carlton’s book sales soared and Mrs. Rubinchik never had any qualms about making it clear that she had taken an immediate like to Danny. Anyone would have been grateful to the person who put their newest success in their hand but Mrs. Rubinchik became a sort of mentor. Catherine was pleased to have Danny as a partner on their team. Everyone around the office called them “the dream team.” There were a few here weren’t so entertained by the idea that they were getting all of the attention and weren’t happy with Danny’s immediate rise to editor from her small office as a reader.
But it wasn’t a gift horse she looked in the mouth. She worked just as much and hard as everyone else, sometimes even more so. The team pulled long hours, working all times of day just to stick to deadlines. Without a problem, she had had time off for the wedding and the honeymoon. And in a few months, she was gonna have to ask for another leave.
“Are we going to ever tell them?” Kirsch asked when she got home that night. Cooper was belly-up between Kirsch’s legs, his hands running through the fur. Danny had never totally believed the whole, “you have to actually make time for your friends in adulthood, you won’t just see them.” Her parents seeing their friends had always been a struggle and Danny had never understood why. But now she was living it. The wedding might have been the last time they saw everyone together; it was hard to keep track and no one was ever free at the same time. Danny put her hand on her stomach, “Well yeah, eventually. They will notice. I just feel like we need to make an announcement and I want everyone together.”
“You and your announcements. We had to do that for the wedding too.”
Danny grabbed a pillow off the couch and tossed it at his head, “These are important milestones!”
Kirsch put his hands up, “I know, I was just joking and I’m really excited. I want them to know!”
Danny looked down at her stomach; the bump was already starting to show. She pursed her lips. “D-Bear? You okay?”
“Yeah, I’m fine,” she shook off his question. And most of the time she was but she had started to wonder if this was something they were ready for. They had just gotten married, she had just been promoted, Kirsch was still coaching at the high school and doing personal training. She wondered if they even had the time, if they had the money. She had no idea what she was doing or even how to take care of a kid. Kirsch must have sensed what she was thinking and he scooted closer to her, taking her hand, “We can figure it out together.”
“But was it even a good idea?” They had discussed the topic of kids before they got married and after and agreed it was something that they wanted. He didn’t look mad or upset by her question but he looked at her hand and started rubbing circles on her skin. He looked back up to her, “Is this not something you want anymore?”
"I don't know."
“Because if it's not, you don’t have to do this,” Kirsch said, squeezing her hand.
“I don’t think its that,” Danny responded. She was confused herself, so explaining it made no sense, “I do. I just don’t know if we thought about it as much as we should have. What if we can’t do it?”
“Danny,” Kirsch said, adjusting so he was sitting up, “If you’re uncomfortable with this right now. We don’t need to do it.”
“But don’t you want kids? You’ve always said that.”
“I do,” he admitted, “But we can talk about it some more. We have time; we don’t have to do this right now.”
She took his face in her hands and kissed him, “You are amazing.”
“I know,” he said, smiling, “I’m the best. But, what do you want to do? You do have to make a decision. And soon if you’ve changed your mind.”
Danny sighed, “I think I’m just nervous. It’s not that I don’t want this; its that I’m worried about doing it at the wrong time.”
“I think this is the best time,” Kirsch responded. Danny quirked her eyebrow. “I don’t think we can ever be entirely ready for it so why not now? You were promoted so there’s more money coming in there. The school doesn’t pay much by the training does; I’ll just take on some new clients. It’s gonna be hard but I believe in us. We can do this. Together.”
Cooper barked making them both laugh, “Well, we know what he thinks.”
“We’re gonna do this?” Kirsch asked.
"We’re gonna do this,” Danny agreed.
“YOU’RE HAVING A BABY!” They waited a very long time. They waited until Danny could not hide the bump anymore to tell their friends. It had not been hard to keep the secret when there had been no time to see anyone. Kirsch would see Will every now and again but med school was a harrowing undertaking. He and Zayne had broken up and Kirsch had been there for him then, but other than that, they usually only talked on the phone.
Carmilla and Laura were working out their own stuff and had been very secretive about it; Laura had been ever since she started dating Carmilla. It was not bad, she was respecting Carmilla’s wishes, but it was a change. She used to tell Danny everything and then not so much but whenever Danny talked to Perry or Lafontaine, they were in the dark as well. She didn’t even tell Kirsch much of anything but he did hear from Carmilla. Their conversations were always vague and Kirsch never really knew what they had just talked about but apparently, they always made Carmilla feel better.
That had been a surprise for Danny, learning that Kirsch had a very close relationship with Carmilla. He was super protective of her and thought of her as a sister. No one else had noticed before but it became obvious to Danny once they were under the same roof, that they had a pretty intense friendship.
Laura’s crazed and happy outburst was only to be expected, but it was laced with disappointment and Danny knew it was because she had expected to hear first. Carmilla mumbled though it was loud enough to hear, “That kid is gonna be gigantic.”
“I can’t believe you didn’t tell us.”
“We’re telling you now.”
Kirsch threw his arm around Laura, “Come on, L. We made this decision for ourselves. You know how that is.”
Laura looked a little ashamed because what he said was true. Perry hugged her, “Oh, I’m so happy for you two.”
“I want to babysit.” Everyone stared at Lafontaine when they spoke. “What?”
“I never expected you to say that,” Danny disclosed, “But I’m not sure I want my kid with you unsupervised.”
“What is that supposed to mean?” Lafontaine asked defensively.
“Accident prone is what I mean.” Danny said, putting it in a nicer way that she had originally been thinking. Lafontaine acquiesced to that, “I still want to babysit. I’ll make Perry be there too.”
Kirsch was bouncing next to her, on the same level of excitement as Laura who had quickly gotten past her discontent. She put a hand on his arm, “Yes, you can tell them.”
“We want you all to be the god-parents.” Laura squealed, Carmilla grimaced, Perry smiled and Lafontaine said, “No way.”
“You’re our family. Seriously. There’s no one else.”
Not much changed for anyone in the next sixth months except for Danny’s growing stomach and the fact that their house had been officially baby-proofed. But when Kirsch sent out a mass text that they were currently rushing to the hospital because Danny’s water had broke, everyone managed to show up within half an hour. It took hours but no one left. They hung around the waiting room. Lafontaine left to get food for everyone. They weren’t allowed in the actual room which may have been a good thing because Kirsch spent the time pacing back and forth, continually asking if she was okay, and asking the doctor’s questions that Danny herself had never thought to ask. She accepted the epidural without question.
She had to have broken Kirsch’s hand but he didn’t say anything about it just breathed along with her and tried to coach her along with the help of the doctor and nurses in the room. It hurt like hell. And at the rate it was going, she didn’t think it was ever going to be over. She wasn’t able to think much as it were because she was so concentrated on breathing and, “Push, Danny, push. Come one. Almost there.”
Danny didn’t believe anything anyone was saying until the doctor said, “Okay, Danny. One more push and you’re done. Ready?”
It was a mighty push but then she fell against the bed, sweating, heaving but smiling at the look on Kirsch’s face as he stared at the bundle in the doctor’s arms. “It’s a girl.”
Kirsch started crying and laughing and he leaned out the door, calling everyone into the room. He lept back to Danny and handed her a cup of water, “You did so well, D-Bear.”
The doctors and nurses were taking care of the baby, cleaning her up and finally setting her in Danny’s arms. Everyone was looking through the window, waiting for the medical okay to enter and once they were giving it they swarmed making the most annoying cooing sounds that caused Danny to smile wide. She looked down at her baby girl whose eyes were closed but roaming. Her little hands had been swaddles inside a blanket. She was the most beautiful thing Danny had ever seen.
Perry was clutching Lafontaine’s arm. Laura was holding Carmilla in a hug with a huge smile on her face. Carmilla looked apprehensive but curious. Will was patting Kirsch on the back but Kirsch only had eyes for one and it was the new girl in the room. Danny didn’t blame him, she was entranced. She couldn’t break her eyes away from her daughter’s face. The little girl yawned but had stopped crying from when the doctor’s had first had her.
“Does the little thing have a name?” Perry asked. Everyone else nodded, wanting to know. Danny and Kirsch had had many conversations about names; some were really heated with Danny absolutely refusing to name their child Bandit no matter how many times Kirsch said, “It’s so cool!”
Danny looked up at everyone and snuggled the baby girl closer to her chest, not ready to give everyone else a chance to hold her even though she knew she would have to eventually. “This is Emma.”
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“So, what do you think?”
Carmilla turned to her. They were sitting on the couch in Danny and Kirsch’s living room. Danny was in the kitchen with Perry. Kirsch was on the floor, holding Emma and making funny faces at her. Laura was whispering. “About what?”
“A baby,” Laura urged. Carmilla looked over at Emma. “She’s cute.”
Laura shook her head, taking Carmilla’s hand, “Not about this baby. But babies.”
Carmilla’s brow creased. “Um…I guess they’re fine.”
“Oh,” Laura sounded dejected. She let go of Carmilla’s hand suddenly and turned away. Carmilla cocked her head, realizing what Laura was getting at. This was never something that had come up before and she was really hoping it was just due to the fact that there was a new baby around. “Wait a second. What do you think about babies?”
“Why don’t you just ask the question, Carm,” Laura stated, a coldness in her voice that Carmilla wasn’t expecting. But this wasn’t unusual and Carmilla was just as capable of attitude. “Why didn’t you just ask the question you really wanted to ask?”
“Fine,” Laura was still whispering but it was loud and Carmilla felt Kirsch’s eyes on them, “Do you want to have a baby?”
"Right now?"
“Ever,” Laura said through gritted teeth, “Stop being difficult.”
Truthfully, the idea had never crossed Carmilla’s mind. She was very comfortable with spending her time and life with Laura and didn’t need anything else. She was never comfortable around kids; they were messy and annoying and Carmilla could never tell what they wanted. They made her itch and having her own, she scoffed at herself. That was a ridiculous idea. Coming from the household she had grown up in, she wouldn’t even know where to start let alone if she would even be able to do it. There’s not a doubt in her mind that she would make a terrible mother. “No. No, not really.”
“Great.” Laura stood up and stormed out. Carmilla was not even surprised. She had thought they were getting back on equal footing but whenever a disagreement arose, it turned into the biggest argument they ever had. There was no talking about anything anymore like they used to or coming to a compromise. It was just immediate disregard for anything said and icy silences. But when they weren’t arguing everything was as it always had been. It was good and they were in love and Carmilla clung on to those moments with everything she had.
Danny peered around the corner and Carmilla just shook her head and shrugged. She pushed herself up from the couch as the front door slammed causing Cooper to bark. She put her hand up when passing the kitchen because she saw Perry open her mouth to question. “I’ve got it.”
She didn’t slam the door; she closed it gently behind her but let Cooper run out in front.
Laura hadn’t gotten far. She stood at the end of the driveway, hands on her hips. Cooper ran to her but she ignored him and he ran back to Carmilla to trail her. She came up upon Laura slowly and silently but not unacknowledged. “You didn’t need to follow me.”
Carmilla stood next to her silently, not responding to the statement. It didn’t take Laura long before she rounded on Carmilla. “I thought we were headed somewhere.”
Cooper had lain down by her feet, feeling the tension. “Aren’t we?”
“How can we be, Carm? When we both want different things?” Laura questioned, looking at the side of her face.
“This has never been something we’ve talked about before, Laura. You sprung that question on me out of nowhere.”
“So the answer would have been different?”
"No."
"Then I see a problem."
“I didn’t realize that children were the only direction we could be going in.” She knew she wasn’t completely off base. It seemed like Laura had wanted her to be able to read her mind, which was never a talent Carmilla had. The topic had never come up before; Laura had never even mentioned it.
“Well it seems like we’re only going in circles lately.”
Carmilla nodded in agreement. They fought, they made up, everything was good, and then they fought again. Everything they did, every decision they made, seemed to lead to another disagreement. They were always harsh, they were always explosive, and they always ended with a compromise no one was happy with.
Laura was standing feet away with her hands on her hips, looking the opposite way, down the street. “We know nothing about each other.”
“Laura, that’s ridiculous, we know everything about each other.” They had been together for years. All Carmilla knew was Laura.
Laura spun around, her eyes on fire with anger. Carmilla could tell she was trying not to yell as her voice growled and she spit the words out, “You’ve never asked how my mother died.”
Carmilla held her ground but the statement hit her hard in the chest. “You’ve never much acted like it’s something you wanted to discuss.”
Laura threw her arms in the air. “What does that matter, Carmilla!? You’re my girlfriend. You ask. I say ‘I don’t want to talk about that right now.’ You wait a little. You ask again. And maybe then I’d want to talk about it. But you never even asked once.”
The end came out as a hysterical chuckle that scared Carmilla. “So, this argument isn’t about a baby?”
“Ugh,” Laura groaned, frustrated, “Sometimes you can be so oblivious. The baby is only part of it. What about all the rest? It matters. All of it matters. Things have been really messed up for a long time now. We’ve never even discussed the months that you became an alcoholic all of a sudden –"
“We’ve never discussed your eating disorder either, Laura, but that one I have asked you about. Constantly. And I’ve tried to be supportive but you’ve told me nothing.”
“You’ve never asked how my dad and I had our falling out. You’ve never asked about how Kirsch and I became friends. You know nothing about SJ. My best friend who flew off to Europe without even saying goodbye. Yeah, well we still talk. But you don’t know that.”
“Well, there’s a lot you don’t know about me,” Carmilla returned. If Laura wanted to fight, Carmilla would come on just as strong. It was a little bit relieving finally just saying everything that had been troubling them. It wasn’t exactly how she would have wished it to come about but she’d take the in if she got one.
“Like what? I know about your father. About your mother. About the abuse. About Mattie. I know about the traveling and homeschooling and expectations. I know about Elle and the PTSD. I know about the street fights. Yet you know nothing about who I was before I came to college or before we met even. And lately, it feels like you don’t care to continue knowing who I am.”
“Laura, that’s not even close,” Carmilla retorted, thinking of the ring that was hidden away in her dresser drawer and thinking of how closed off Laura became whenever she had tried to bring up the past. “We’ve changed since we got together. And we haven’t let ourselves grow as a couple and change to accommodate that. That’s all.”
“Oh, I thought your idea of our relationship was ‘perfect just the way it is, cupcake.’ I mean that’s all you ever act like. You pretend nothing is wrong when it clearly is. And clearly has been. Perry asked me about it the other day. They all know we aren’t how we used to be.”
Carmilla shook her head, reaching out, only to be rejected. “Why have you never brought this up before? Why did you let it all sit and stew before exploding? We could’ve dealt with each thing as if came along. That’s how it should have been.”
“Because you acted like everything was fine!” Laura shouted for the first time.
“And so did you!” Carmilla yelled back. Cooper whimpered at her side.
The door opened on the front porch. “Hey, guys, I’m sorry to interrupt but it’s late and you might wake the neighbors –"
“It’s fine. We’re done.” Laura stomped into the house. Carmilla took a deep breath before following. The ride home was in complete silence.
It was a heartbreaking realization; one that came in hindsight after constant denial and suppression but that could no longer be ignored. It was a realization that was a set fact and though life was always changing, at this point, it was something that could not be changed if they stayed in their current situation. Technically, nothing on the surface was wrong and to the entire world they were happy but the loss of the small things spoke louder than the outer appearance. They both knew it but they were both too scared about the future if they made the decision and it was blatantly obvious in the way in which they spoke to each other and touched each other that they were starting to become hesitant and weary.
The tears had welled up as soon as they had both taken their seats, a tension-ridden few feet between them as they positioned themselves on different furniture, giving themselves room to feel and work through the words they knew would be their future. It felt like a movie. It was dark, no lighting. The sky was gray outside; the atmosphere was ominous at best. Laura was looking at her hands. Carmilla was looking at Laura. Laura’s cheeks were puffy a tint of pink settling in that would eventually be taken over by the terrible red that had no place on her usually smiling cheeks.
The water became too much and spilled over the edge, slowly sliding down Carmilla’s cheeks and she quickly brushed away the drops with her left hand, the stain still apparent on her pale skin. She knew neither of them wanted to say the first word but she also knew Laura would break first, the drawn-out silence agitating her until she exploded with emotion.
“We should’ve known.” It was not even the words that ripped Carmilla’s heart in two, but the cracking voice that was trying so hard to be strong. Carmilla was well-versed in even speaking no matter how she was feeling and it would be easier for them both if she did not break down; she knew it would be best for herself.
“I think we did. We’ve talked around in circles.”
“I don't agree.”
“Wow, something new.” Laura looked up to roll her eyes but Carmilla cut her off. “Really? You can keep doing this? Do you really want to go another couple rounds? Because I can’t do that anymore.”
Laura sniffled and looked away, trying to find anything but Carmilla to focus on but to no avail and Carmilla was pained by the big brown eyes that were shining; this was a different kind of shine. It was something sad and hopeless as if everything had crashed and burned. I guess it has.
"Well, is that it?” The words bit at Carmlla, cutting her open with how harsh they sounded coming from the voice that had always been soft and comforting and healing. It was not Laura’s fault and Carmilla knew she had only meant to end the conversation as quickly as possible. Carmilla supposed that that was it. There was nothing left to be said. They both knew what this was about and the only outcome that was possible. Her so-called veteran standing in the world of hidden emotions seemed to lose all meaning because her throat was drying out and any convoluted and half-assed attempt to make this sound okay was lost. Any decorum or decency or drawn out speech of sorrow and apology floated away with the happiness and importance that Laura had brought into her life. “Yeah, that’s it.”
And the world cracked and splintered with each word. It fell around them, littering the living room floor with the debris of memories and could have beens. The dust swirled and filled her lungs until it was too hard to breathe and her body trembled with the attempts to find air. She must have been getting some because her eyes stayed open and the blackness that comes with passing out stayed away. And before she could stop herself, her body was moving towards the door, leaving everything she had built behind her; the girl she loved, the memories that had saved her. She hesitated with her hand on the doorknob but it grew suddenly cold. Carmilla lurched back and gathered the dregs of a strength she was certain would never return, to open the door and make herself not look back. But weakness overtook just for a moment and she turned, “I love you.”
Laura turned to face her, tears streaming without even the slightest attempt to hold them back in, the red vibrant and terrifying to Carmilla. Laura wiped a hand across her face to try to rid it of most of the moisture but it was a futile attempt. She nodded and almost smiled. Carmilla felt the two sides of her heart split apart to even smaller pieces. “I love you too.”
Carmilla was down the hallway, down the stairs, out the door, and halfway down the sidewalk before she collapsed onto the pavement, her body heaving with everything she tried to save Laura from seeing. Her voice ripped from her throat in ungodly sounds that were unfamiliar to her. She only knew they were coming from her own body when she saw the blurry images of people with strange looks staring at her. Carmilla did not care about what they thought; none of them offered help.
And then a black car rolled up next to her in the street and a strict voice laced with minor concern spoke, “Get in.”
A car door opened and heels clicked across asphalt before Carmilla felt hands under her arms, pulling her from the ground as she sobbed, her cries louder than the voice next to her that was coaxing her into the vehicle.