I Wanna Know What Love is but not from You
The smell of chalk, slate and dust felt like the whole world was new. Ryan stepped into his homeroom class, English. The desks were paired, and the white walls of the classroom were empty, aching with promise. The clock was broken, but Ryan already knew he was early as the first bell had just rung. The first day meant first impressions, and Ryan knew that could make or break him.
Sitting on top of the teacher’s desk was Mr. Beckett, his brown slacks clashing with the silver of the desk. His light brown locks cascaded over his shoulders and onto his sky blue button up shirt. His sleeves were rolled up past his bony elbows, revealing cherry-tinted skin that had obviously been sunburned over the summer.
“Ryan? You’re here awfully early” Mr. Beckett said, closing the ancient copy of The Great Gatsby that was in his hands. Ryan noticed a thick golden band around his ring finger. He didn't know that Mr. Beckett was even dating someone, let alone married. Ryan wondered who was lucky enough to be Mrs. Beckett.
“Yeah, I figured I’d get set up early,” Ryan smiled blankly at him. He noticed little slips of paper with beautifully handwritten names scripted across them. Great. A seating arrangement. He knew that Spencer was in his class, and as their last names were fairly close alphabetically he was hopeful that they would be beside one another. Ryan wandered the classroom for a moment, before finding “Ryan Ross” written in perfect script on a crisp white piece of paper in the second row from the back, on the far right of the classroom. The desk beside him had Spencer's name on it, quite literally. He smiled knowing that he and his best friend would be sitting beside one another, which also meant they'd have lockers beside one another. Already this year seemed like it would be a good one.
He slung his brown leather satchel off of his shoulder, his black biker jacket making the signature sound of leather crinkling. He opened up his bag and pulled out a red binder, slapping it down onto his desk, and then returning to retrieve a black pencil case, as well as a coil bound notebook with a classic navy blue cover. He pulled out his phone, and on the lockscreen was a message notification from Keltie. He unlocked his phone to reveal where r u? Didn't see u this morning with a sad face emoji and a pink sparkly heart. He debated ignoring it, but then remember he had his read receipts on. He typed up I'm just in class, but then realized that sounded totally lame so deleted it and wrote Running late. Much better. He put the phone back into the front pocket of his black jeans and sat back in his chair.
“Ryan, since you're here early, there's something I wanted to talk to you about,” Mr. Beckett suggested.
“Sure,” Ryan replied, checking the clock on his phone and realizing they still had 7 minutes before class started. He stood up from his seat, the plastic chair scraping across the floor. He walked up to Mr. Beckett’s desk and asked “What is it?”
“Mr. Saporta and I wanted to ensure you planned on playing Varsity hockey again this year,” he quirked an eyebrow.
“Obviously. I've been on the team since grade 9, why wouldn't I?” Ryan asked.
“Oh. Mr. Saporta just told me that- well, that you might not be playing this year,” Mr. Beckett replied.
“What would give him that idea?” Ryan asked. He was also confused as to why Mr. Beckett and Mr. Saporta had been talking over the summer. They had probably just been planning the school hockey season for the next year, deciding who had proven themselves enough in juniors, who hadn't done well enough last year to continue playing hockey.
“Something about the OHL? I think he said something about you declining to be drafted or something,” Mr. Beckett explained, looking slightly confused.
Ryan had declined to be a part of last year's draft, purely because relocation would not have been an option for him at the time. He would not be quitting hockey, no, that was not an option, and he would be drafted again this year. He knew that.
“Oh, yeah.” Ryan said. “Yeah, that was a mistake. But I will be playing this year, I can assure you.”
“Great! That’s all I needed to know,” Mr. Beckett smiled, then his soft brown gaze returned back to the book in his hands. Ryan returned to his seat, and almost on cue, the music started playing on the announcements. He instantly recognized the melodious synth chords and subtle drumbeat of “I Want to Know What Love Is” and scowled to himself. Lou Gramm’s gospel inspired vocals began, and somehow the song became worse. With luck, the bell would ring before the song ever made it to the chorus. Who was doing the announcements this year? And what did they have against him?
Students began filing through the doors, the disgusting song being drowned out by the mumbling voices of teenagers catching up on what had happened over the summer.
Urie walked in and the chorus of the song blared, embarrassing lyrics, tune and human character fitting together as if planned. His white vans squeaked against the aged wooden floors, an equally distasteful addition to the terrible song. His dark blue shirt was long sleeved and draping over his thin body. He walked towards the back of the classroom, then frowned when he realized that there was a seating arrangement. Wait. There was a seating arrangement. It was alphabetical. R, s, t-
“You've got to be fucking kidding me,” Ryan heard Urie mutter, before pulling out the chair behind him, and dropping his obnoxious navy blue Herschel beside him. You had to be a pretty big fuckboy to wear one of those. Ryan's fists subconsciously clenched. A year in front of Urie. Great.
Spencer walked in the classroom, aimlessly fiddling with the zipper on his black and blue huskies jacket. Ryan realized he would probably be the only team member who wasn't wearing that obnoxious jacket today, but couldn’t bring himself to care about his lack of team spirit.
Ryan smiled at Spencer and gestured for him to come over. Spencer had a bounce in his step as he walked towards him, a grin on his face. He approached the right hand side of the pair of desks, and took his place beside Ryan.
“RyRo!” Spencer grinned, extending his fist for Ryan to bump.
“Spence!” Ryan responded, obliging and tapping his knuckles against Spencer's.
The announcements blared out one final I wanna know what love is, then the final bell rang.
“Gooood morning ECI and welcome to the new school year! Please rise for the playing of O Canada,” an unfamiliar voice said on the announcements.
The room filled with an uncomfortable sound of metal chair legs scratching against wood and quiet stepping to gain balance on two feet.
Spencer leaned over to Ryan and whispered “Is Walker doing the announcements this year?”
Ryan shrugged. He didn't know who Walker was.
The national anthem began to play after a few moments of silence. Behind him, Ryan could hear Urie humming along in perfect key to the tune. So Urie was that kid. It was good to know.
After the song came to a halt, everyone took their seats again. The announcements droned on in the background, but no one ever really paid them any attention anyways.
“So, how was your summer?” Spencer asked, his voice full of enthusiasm.
“Good, when I wasn't hanging out with you I was with Keltie,” he replied. Hanging out with Keltie wasn't really good, but whatever.
“Oh right, you and Keltie! You guys have been together for what, like, a year now? How's that going...” Spencer’s voice trailed a little as he went into his backpack to grab his school supplies.
“Good,” Ryan lied. In all honesty, the sooner they broke up, the better.
“That's great man! Good for you!” Spencer smiled, placing his hand on Ryan’s shoulder. Ryan caught Urie angrily scrolling through his cell phone in the corner of his vision.
“And that's the announcements for today ECI, have yourselves a welcome back Wednesday!” the enthusiastic voice announced.
“Good morning students,” Mr. Beckett said. “I know most of you already, but I'm Mr. Beckett. I'll be your English teacher this year.”
He began walking through the classroom, placing stapled packages of paper on the desks of each student. When one thwapped down on Ryan’s desk, he immediately knew exactly what it was.
“Course Outline and Forms” the title read. Mr. Beckett seemed like a good homeroom teacher, keeping everything together. Most teachers would just hand out a pile of individual papers.
He returned to his rolly chair, probably putting in the attendance. The only good thing about seating plans was that the attendance didn’t have to be taken. The teacher would already know.
There was a knock on the door, and a girl with brown hair on the opposite end of the classroom stood to answer it.
The door opened to reveal Jon, the timekeeper for the Huskies.
“Uh, hi, sorry I’m late, this’ll be an everyday thing. I’m doing the announcements this year,” he said, and it was the same voice that had been on the announcements minutes before.
“Find your seat,” Mr. Beckett replied. There was only one empty desk in the classroom, it was behind Spencer, beside Urie.
His eyes seemed to light up when he saw Spencer in front of him. Ryan knew that Spencer was the type to always thank the timekeepers after the game, so Jon had reason to be happy that he was in Spencer’s presence.
“Okay, I know you’re all going to ignore me if I go through the curriculum anyways, so I’ll just give all of you your locker assignments,” Mr. Beckett announced over the quiet lull of people whispering.
He went down the attendance list, announcing names and numbers.
“Ryan Ross, 257”
“Spencer Smith, 258”
“Brendon Urie, 259”
“Jonathan Walker, 260”
And then the list was finished.
The class all scrambled out the door and to their lockers. Ryan found his and just placed his blue combination lock through the loop, locking it with a click, thin fingers turning the dial to 0. Spencer, beside him, was pulling out a calendar, notebooks, magnets, the whole five yards. He was an organized student, worked hard for his grades. Ryan’s gaze went past Spencer and to Urie, who was already tossing the package of paper he had just received into his locker. He was so disorganized, Ryan hated it.
“Listen you two,” Spencer spoke up. “I’m stuck with a locker between you, so you’d better not fucking fight at school.”
“Don’t fucking tell me what to do,” Urie snarled, slamming his locker door shut, then placing a red combination lock through the loop, locking it, and storming back to class.
“Ryan, liste-” Spencer started.
“I know, Spence. I’m not gonna fight him,” Ryan cut him off.
“Are you and Brendon finally gonna make amends?” Jon asked optimistically. Spencer and Ryan both burst into hysterical laughter.
“Me and Urie? On good terms? That’s cute, Jon, really cute,” Ryan chuckled, before he and Spencer started making their way back into the classroom.
“Hey guys! Wait up!” Jon called out, and Ryan heard the clanking of a combination lock against the cold metal of the empty locker. Ryan continued walking in the direction of their classroom. He felt Spencer’s hand on his shoulder, and he stopped in his path.
“Hey, wait for him,” Spencer suggested softly. Jon caught up to the pair, and walked back into the classroom with them. They found their way back to their seats, and Ryan realized that there was only 10 minutes left in the class. The chances of them getting anything done was next to nothing.
“Spencer, how was your summer?” Jon smiled. Spencer turned his chair around and started telling Jon about absolutely everything he had done over his summer. Ryan rolled his eyes and pulled his phone out of his pocket. 6 new notifications from Keltie. God, did she know how to lay off?
Oh, hope u get to class on time! Followed by a purple heart. Ryan was getting tired of the constant hearts. He’d stopped sending them months ago, couldn’t she take a hint?
Miss u and another one of those god-awful hearts. You shouldn’t need caricature hearts to ensure someone knows you care. The should be within the words you say, Ryan thought. Not some half-assed addition of tiny cartoons into meaningless messages.
Ur eating w me at lunch right?
Ryab?
*ryan
?????????
Ryan decided to leave her on read. He was in absolutely no mood to talk to Keltie right now. Just for a moment, he contemplated turning around and starting conversation with Urie. Wait, what was he thinking? He shook the thought from his mind very quickly, and realized he would rather sit in silence and pretend to be preoccupied on his phone.
“Ryan, right?” Jon interrupted Ryan’s lack of activity.
“Yeah,” he nodded.
“That was a sick hat trick the other night! Like, holy shit man, you’re going pro for sure!” Jon smiled enthusiastically. Jon seemed to have this positivity that radiated around him, but Ryan wasn’t sure how he felt about him yet.
“Thanks, I know,” Ryan responded, then realized just how stuck up he sounded. Ryan didn’t really let it get to him, his whole hockey team held an aura of condescension and superiority. They had the right to, they’d won the GTHL championships 5 years straight.
“Ross? Going pro? Cute. That’ll happen the day he actually learns how to play contact hockey,” Urie laughed sarcastically.
“Oh, shut the fuck up, Urie,” Ryan rolled his eyes.
“Hey! Boys, be nice,” Mr. Beckett called out from the front of the classroom. Ryan had honestly forgotten he was there, considering the fact that the classroom was still basically empty, students still chattering in the hallways about their summer or organizing their school supplies.
Ryan then ignored Urie, in favour of speaking with Spencer and Jon. They mostly just chatted about their summers, and compared schedules. Jon and Spencer were in the same politics and world issues classes, Ryan and Jon shared American history. Jon cracked a joke about how he’d definitely be getting the best mark in that class, because he was born in Boston. Ryan already knew, but Spencer was in his gym and math classes as well. Urie didn’t weigh in on anything.
The shrill electronic ding of the bell caused the entire class to submit to a miniature chaos, and Ryan stayed in the same classroom for creative writing as everyone else seemed to evaporate around him.
He was happy in that class as there was no seating arrangement. Mr. Beckett had said something about ensuring that everyone had the greatest creative potential. Hippie bullshit, as far as Ryan was concerned, but Z was in that class with him, thus, he was thankful. Instead of paying attention to all of the regular administrative first day of school programming, the two of them drowned out all of the background noise with each other’s mellifluous laughter. Ryan enjoyed Z’s company, and he probably trusted her more than anyone else he knew, even Spencer. Z kept switching to French, trying to get Ryan to speak about that he dared not, but to no avail. Ryan was an iron padlock. Ryan left the class in a very good mood regardless, feeling as though the heavy air of the school had just turned into that of an ocean breeze.
American history was with Mr. Saporta, every student’s favourite teacher. Ryan sat with Jon, since he wasn’t very fond of anyone else in that classroom. Plus, Jon had asked, and Ryan didn’t have the heart to say no. He attempted to get to know Jon through the class, since Mr. Saporta had decided to leave the classroom alone for some unknown reason. He claimed it was to make photocopies, but when he walked back into the classroom, there wasn’t a trace of paper. No one really questioned Mr. Saporta, he did suspicious shit all of the time.
After the class, Mr. Saporta asked Ryan to speak with him, but accidentally spilled his Tim Hortons coffee all over his obnoxiously bright polo shirt and cliche khakis, and Ryan was set free. He couldn’t seem to escape the grasp of Keltie after class though, unfortunately.
“How the fuck could you leave me on read!?” Keltie yelled. She must have had a history class that period too and had been nearby. Not that Ryan really cared all that much.
“I forgot to reply, Keltie,” Ryan lied, voice surprisingly even.
“Yeah, sure, likely story,” she said through gritted teeth, before spinning around and walking in the opposite direction from Ryan, the angry stomping of Keltie’s feet drowned out by freshmen scrambling to ensure they wouldn’t be late for whatever mediocre prerequisite they had next. Ryan watched her golden blonde curls bobbing up and down as she walked, then realized that he was about to be late for math class.
When he walked in, he noticed Spencer had saved him a seat, and he smiled. After receiving a curriculum outline, Ryan was deeply regretting choosing university math. He and Spencer would probably have to take time after school often to catch up on content. They were given a grade 10 review to attempt, when they took it up, Ryan was extremely disappointed that he had only scored a 15/20. Thank god that didn’t actually count for marks.
Lunch used to be the only good time of school for Ryan, but now he preferred spending his time in class. He took a seat next to Spencer at the regular Huskies table, the one on the far right of the back of the cafeteria. He was the only one there who wasn’t in the classic Huskies outfit, the team jacket with a pair of black trackpants on the bottom. Ryan thought it was elitist and stupid, he didn’t feel the need to conform to the rest of his team’s standards. Besides, he was one of the more fashion forward students at his school, he took pride in that.
His dad gave him $5 for lunch every day, but the majority of the time, he didn’t bother eating lunch and pocketed the cash so that he could afford other expenses that he had. Most kids at the school did the same thing.
Keltie slid in beside him and gave him an ugly look, then smiled and started talking and flirting with Ryan’s teammates. He knew he had to act as though everything was okay. There could never appear to be trouble in paradise. They were the perfect couple, the pretty blonde cheerleader and the hockey jock, the kind of relationship every single Canadian wishes they could be in. He put his arm around her, a false illusion of a happy couple.
Ryan scanned the cafeteria, noticing Brendon sitting with the few Hurricanes that went to ECI, as well as some of the church kids. He looked a little miserable, in all honesty. Good. Off to the side Jon was sitting with his girlfriend, and the two were smiling and laughing together. Ryan was a little bit jealous, although, in his ideal life, perhaps, there wouldn’t be a girl in the picture.
Ryan began to feel his head pounding, the cafeteria was too loud, and his day had been stressful.
Ryan should be happy with his hockey team. There was no reason to be unhappy, everyone loved him, he was the centre of attention. They were great guys, but he didn’t want to be there. He was a walking trope, the cliche “alone in a crowded room”. He hated it.
“RyRo, I hear you’re up for varsity captain this year!” one of his teammates announced. He received several pats on the back, both literal and metaphorical. Ryan wasn’t surprised, he’d been on the varsity team since the ninth grade. Usually they chose a senior, but Ryan seemed the obvious choice.
“Wait, really?” Ryan asked, trying to display some kind of false modesty.
“Aw, don’t be so modest Ryan! You’re the obvious choice,” Keltie smiled, then pulled him in for a kiss. Ryan hated PDA. Keltie knew that, and yet, there they were. He kissed her back anyways, even though he knew he would probably pay for it later.
After they pulled away, Ryan made some excuse about having to go to the bathroom, and everyone bought it. His body escaped the grips of a clingy girlfriend, then he walked to the nearest washroom. Nobody was inside so he pulled out his phone and pulled up the school’s phone number. He masked his voice with a thick Quebecois accent to sound like his father’s once he arrived in the tiled room.
“My son, Ryan Ross, will be spending the rest of the day at home. He’s sick,” his voice echoed, reminding him of how ashamed he should be for lying like this, but it wasn’t like his father would care, it wasn’t like anyone would find out.
He got away with it, no doubt, and as he walked away from the suffocating red brick walls, his headache dissolved.