Say No
“Luna… You’re here.” Clarke says in surprise and awe. She hasn’t seen Luna since the last leg of her tour. Clarke was a mess back then. Lexa had just admitted she cheated on her and she just couldn’t deal.
“Hey Griff. I’ve missed you.” Luna breathes out with an easy smile on her face. She hugs the blonde tightly and Clarke hugs her right back.
“Come in, come in. What are you doing in New York?” Clarke invites Luna in and leads her to the living room.
“Quick charity concert in Brooklyn.” Luna says nonchalantly. Luna plops down on the couch and her easy smile turns to a look of understanding and slight sadness.
“So I saw Costia Greene’s interview.” Luna says quietly. Clarke immediately tenses up in her seat next to Luna. Luna places her hand over Clarke’s to calm the blonde down. “I’m sorry you had to hear that.” Luna says sincerely.
Luna actually liked Lexa. She thought the girl was sweet, very kind. She never had a bad word to say about the brunette. And when Clarke confided in Luna that she was an addict and that Lexa supported her and stood by her during her worst of days, Luna respected the woman that is Lexa Woods. But after Clarke became a mess on the later days of the tour after Lexa flew out and admitted she cheated, Luna lost all respect for her.
“It’s okay Lun.” Clarke says with a crack voice and a heartbreaking shrug. “It’s not your fault.” The blonde mumbles.
“Yeah but I can still be sorry that you had to hear that bullshit. You know, Costia has some nerve pulling that crap on live television. Does she not realize this isn’t one of her little movies? This is real life. It’s time for her to start acting like an adult. And she’s not the only one.” Luna rants angrily. People in Hollywood are too much for the singer. That’s why Luna’s personal life stays strictly her business. She doesn’t want to be in the gossip magazines and she is completely baffled by the people who do.
“It’s okay Lun. I’m okay.” Clarke says weakly. Luna just looks at her incredulously. “Alright..I’m not okay. I’m a fucking wreck. But I’ve been a mess long before Costia came out with that interview.” Clarke shrugs, averting her sad eyes from Luna’s gaze. Luna is quiet for a few minutes.
“Have you spoken to Lexa?” Luna asks curiously. Last she talked to Clarke, which was about two weeks ago, Clarke had not talked to Lexa since the brunette confessed to cheating. Clarke even sent Raven to pack up her belongings in their penthouse. She just couldn’t do it and she couldn’t stand to see Lexa’s face without breaking down.
“Oh yeah.” Clarke laughs bitterly. “I ran into her at a club the other day. We had a big fight and then I stormed away. And then yesterday, I showed up at her house and confronted her about the interview. We yelled...well more like I yelled and Lexa was soft and understanding as usual..then I cried and she cried. We fell asleep in eachother’s arms and I snuck out early this morning.” Clarke explains as Luna’s eyes widen at every new bit of information shared with her.
“Wow. You two seem to be reconnecting then?” Luna probes gently. She will respect whatever Clarke’s choice is in regards to Lexa. Clarke has explained a decent amount to Luna about her and Lexa’s relationship after they broke up. But Luna doesn’t know the whole story. So Luna knows it’s not really her place to judge or lecture Clarke on her choices regarding Lexa. For the record though, Luna hopes Clarke doesn’t get back with Lexa..at least not now. Clarke is in too emotional of a state to start a healthy relationship, not to mention all the baggage her and Lexa seem to have with each other.
“No..not like that.” Clarke says firmly. She might be talking to Lexa more now but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t sting every time she sees the brunette. It doesn’t mean she’s forgiven Lexa..and it certainly doesn’t mean she’s forgotten what Lexa’s done, even for a second. Luna nods, accepting the answer.
“What was your ‘big fight’ about?” Luna asks curiously. Clarke bites her lip like she does when she thinks she’s about to get in trouble.
“We were fighting about my addictions.” Clarke mumbles so low that Luna almost didn’t hear her. Luna knows Clarke has fallen off the wagon. In fact, she was there for Clarke the first night that Clarke slipped after her and Lexa broke up.
5 Months Ago
The tour has come to a close with it’s final blowout performance in Manhattan. Clarke is finally home, except she no longer has a home. So instead, she's living in a very expensive hotel suite as her managers search for a suitable new place to live.
Luna is staying in the same hotel, coincidentally in the room next to her. There's an afterparty in celebration of the tour’s success at the drummer’s house. It's suppose to be epic. Famous singers and actors and actresses will all be in attendance.
But Clarke is really really hesitant to go. She is barely holding onto her sobriety as it is. Lexa has tried reaching out to her but Clarke just rebuffs every attempt. And now Clarke’s back in Manhattan. Manhattan, the place where her and Lexa lived most of their adult lives together. Manhattan, the place where Lexa is right now as well. It’s almost too much for Clarke to bear. Lexa is walking the same streets right now. Clarke can’t stand it.
“Hey Griff. I have to make an appearance at this party but I can leave early and come back. We can watch some movies and have a girls night, if you’re interested?” Luna says sweetly. Clarke loves Luna..as a friend of course. Luna has been a very important part of her staying sober this past month. If it wasn’t for Luna, she would no longer be sober.
“No it’s okay.” Clarke waves the curly haired girl off politely. “Thank you though.”
“Well it would have been fun. You’re missing out. You could have even invited your cute friend Raven.” Luna smirks, teasing. Clarke chuckles. Luna has seen pictures of Raven on Clarke’s phone and on her Instagram. The curly haired girl is always drooling over her even though she’s never met Raven. It's now become a little running joke between the two girls.
“Have fun at the party.” Clarke says sincerely. Luna leaves with a small smile on her face. Clarke stares at the walls for hours, bored and lonely. She decides to go out and surprise Raven.
“Raven oh god.” Anya moans out as Raven pumps her fingers in and out of her expertly. They were watching a movie when Raven started kissing on Anya’s neck and the poor girl was done for. They’re still fully clothed with Raven on top of Anya and her hand down the girl’s baggy sweats.
“You like that?” Raven whispers out sexily and Anya has to choke back her groan. Her breathing is so heavy. She's close. The second Anya can feel her toes curling, Clarke barges through the door.
“Oh my god!” Clarke screams out as she covers her eyes and slams the front door. Did she really just walk in on Raven...and Anya? Well things certainly have changed while she was gone, that's for sure.
“Clarke! Wait, don't leave!” Raven calls out. Clarke stands patiently outside her best friend’s apartment door, still shocked. Raven hurries outside a second later, her clothes and hair disheveled. Clarke looks at her expectantly.
Truth is that Raven and Anya have been sleeping together for maybe two months now. It happened the first time while Clarke was on tour. They were keeping it to themselves, not even Lexa knows and she hung out with them a lot while Clarke was on tour. They had so much sexual tension for years. It was bound to happen.
“Hey! You're back.” Raven breathes out happily before going to hug her best friend who she hasn't seen in months since Clarke left for Luna’s tour. They still talked all the time. There was even a very very long heartbreaking phone call after her and Lexa broke up. Raven offered to fly over to Clarke but the blonde said it was okay and that she’d be back soon. They pair had plans to spend the afternoon together tomorrow but Clarke figured since she wasn’t busy now she might as well surprise her friend. She regrets her decision.
“You’re with Anya now?” Clarke cuts right to the chase. Raven looks away guiltily, biting her lip.
“Uh well we’ve sorta been messing around for the past two months. It just happened. We didn’t want to tell you or Le-” Raven’s eyes widen realizing she was about to bring up Lexa to Clarke. Clarke looks sad for a moment and swallows deeply.
“You can say Lexa’s name, Raven. I won’t break.” Clarke tries to sound strong but secretly inside she wants to sob. She doesn’t want to even say Lexa’s name out loud, let alone actually think about her.
“Oh okay. So um yeah we didn’t wanna tell you guys until we knew what it was.” Raven says nervously. Clarke isn’t mad though. Would she have liked to know? Sure. But it’s Raven’s life and it’s Raven and Anya’s business who they tell. As long as it wasn’t specifically a secret from her, she’s ok.
“And what are you two?” Clarke says curiously. Raven shrugs.
“The hell if I know.” Raven shrugs. They’re still trying to figure it out. Lately though, there’s been a lot of tension between Raven and Anya. Raven is Clarke’s best friend. And Anya is Lexa’s best friend. Together, they were a very very close group. Clarke is good friends with Anya and Raven is good friends with Lexa. But deep down, Raven’s loyalty always will be to Clarke just as Anya’s is to Lexa. And that’s creating a bit of a rift between them.
They try to ignore it but it’s present. It’s always lingering. It’s hard for them. Raven refuses to go out if Lexa is there. Anya grows impatient and snappy at Raven whenever the girl says something about Lexa. It’s just a mess. But they’re still trying. They actually like each other. It’s more than sex...at least Raven thinks it is.
“Are you mad?” Raven asks worriedly. She didn’t think Clarke or Lexa would be mad once they found out her and Anya started sleeping together. But that was before Lexa’s cheating and their breakup. Now Clarke might feel like she’s betrayed and that it the absolute last thing that Raven wants.
“No I’m not mad.” Clarke replies honestly. “But I am going to let you two get back to your evening together.” Clarke says with a small smile on her face. She’s happy for Raven and Anya. Truly. It was only a matter of time before this happened. But it does make her sad. It makes her reminiscent of a time when her and Lexa were together, a time when they would both tease Anya and Raven relentlessly. The teasing just wouldn’t be fun without Lexa by her side. All of a sudden, Clarke feels lonely.
“You can stay and watch movies with us. Anya is your friend too, Clarke.” Raven says sincerely. She doesn’t want Clarke to feel left out or like they were hiding something specifically from her. She knows Clarke is struggling a lot right now and last thing Raven wants is to add to that pain.
“I know she is.” Clarke smiles with sad eyes. “I actually just wanted to pop in and say hi before meeting up with Luna.” Clarke lies. She doesn’t want to be a burden to Raven. She can always see Raven tomorrow like they planned.
“Oh okay.” Raven says disappointed. Her invitation was completely sincere. She misses her best friend. “I’ll see you tomorrow then, yeah?” Raven sounds hopeful.
“Yeah of course.” Clarke goes in for a brief hug and kiss on the cheek. “I love you Rae.”
“Love you too C.”
Clarke leaves Raven’s apartment and wanders the streets of Manhattan a little. She’s trying to get her mind off going to that party. She knows there will be a lot of temptation there and she isn’t sure if she’s strong enough to say no if someone offers her a drink or a line.
After about an hour of walking around randomly, Clarke finds herself outside the drummer’s penthouse. Clarke stands outside the luxurious building, warily eyeing the property. Should she go in? Clarke shakes her head. No she shouldn’t. She starts walking away from the residence with her head looking down, not paying attention to other people walking on the street. And that’s when a tall strong body collides into hers. Finn Collins to be exact. Finn Collins as in part of Manhattan’s elite and drug dealer to the stars.
“Clarke? You look amazing as usual. I was hoping you’d be here.” Finn says with a bright smile. Clarke smiles back softly.
“Hey Finn. You look good as well. I was actually just leaving-” Clarke says politely until the long haired man cuts her off in an excited voice.
“Oh no, don’t say that! Come on, the party is only a few hours in. We can catch up.” Finn says sweetly. “Besides, I have some wicked party favors if you know what I mean.” Finn winks and Clarke’s entire body tenses. “I know how much you used to like my product. I gotta warn you, I’ve bumped it up a notch. New product coming in. It’s great though, you’ll love it.”
Clarke grits her teeth. Her heart is beating fast. ‘Say no, Say no, Say no,’ Clarke repeats in her head like a new mantra. ‘Come on Clarke, you’ve been so good. You’re stronger than this.’
“Not tonight Finn.” Clarke says politely. “I don’t really do that anymore.”
“Oh okay that’s cool then.” Finn puts his hands up in mock surrender.“How about we just go up there and catch up then?” When Clarke looks like she’s about to say no, Finn starts talking again. “No drugs, scouts honor.” Finn jokingly does the scout salute. “We were good friends once upon a time, right? I figured maybe you’d wanna talk. I heard Lexa and you broke up. I’m so sorry Clarke.” Finn says gently.
Clarke’s heart starts beating faster. She doesn’t want to talk about this. Not with Finn. Not with anyone really.
“Thank you.” Clarke says quietly. Finn smiles and moves closer to her.
“You deserve better. I mean it seemed like she was always trying to control you, right?” Finn says lightly. “I don’t know man, I think you’re better off.”
“Finn, don’t talk about things you don’t understand.” Clarke warns. She gets annoyed whenever talking about Lexa. Only a select few people know that Lexa cheated. And honestly, Clarke wants to keep it that way. She doesn’t want people to pity her or hate on Lexa. She just wants everyone to leave them alone.
“Shit, I’m sorry Clarke. I overstepped, didn’t I?” Finn rubs the back of his neck while he frantically apologizes. “I just..me and Vanessa just broke up recently too. It’s been rough. I thought we could just chat and hangout like old times, maybe bitch about our exes. But hey no pressure. I just miss ya princess.” Finn says sweetly. Clarke bites her lip. This whole conversation has been very hard for her. I mean, it won’t hurt to just go up there, right? Yeah she can manage to go to a party and socialize without going off the deep end. It shouldn’t be that hard...right?
“I guess we can catch up for a bit. It’s not like I have anything better to do.” Clarke says with a smile on her face. Finn smiles wide, happy to spend more time with Clarke.
“Great! Let’s go on up then!” Finn exclaims, leading the way inside and up the elevator to the drummer’s penthouse.
Finn Collins is an old buddy of Clarke’s from her partying days. After that night where she tried cocaine for the first time, she asked her celeb friends who she knew used where they got their ‘stuff’ from. They all told her Finn Collins. He apparently had the cleanest stuff around.
Finn had a thing for Clarke. Everybody with eyes saw that..except for Clarke of course. The first few months, Finn would hang around her like a lost puppy whenever they went out and partied. Clarke introduced Lexa to him (without saying that he was her drug dealer of course). Lexa hated him. Clarke stopped hanging out with him as much since Lexa disliked him so much.
Once Finn got a new girlfriend named Vanessa though, he was much less hostile to Lexa. Eventually Lexa learned to tolerate him..especially since he managed to stop publicly drooling over her girlfriend. Finn wasn’t all that bad a guy to be around. He was charming and funny. Everyone loved him. Deep down, he does have a good heart but the fact of the matter is that he's an addict. Clarke eventually realized that Finn was enabling her and finally told Lexa that Finn was in fact her dealer. Lexa was furious and begged Clarke to cut off contact with him. Clarke agreed and ever since then, Clarke did not talk to Finn anymore. But now, Lexa cheated on her. They’re done. She doesn’t have a say in what Clarke does with her life anymore. Clarke can do as she pleases and that’s exactly what she’s going to do.
Clarke goes upstairs with Finn and immediately is greeted by flashing lights, copious amounts of alcohol, and some celebs in the corner snorting lines. Clarke shuts her eyes in an effort to ground herself. She can do this. She can do this. She can do this.
Finn smiles and lightly takes her hand, weaving in and out of the crowd. After a few hello’s from fellow celebs, they find a quiet spot out on the balcony. Finn signals to one of the servers to bring over two of whatever he’s serving. The server comes by and hands him two champagne flutes filled to the brim with bubbling gold liquid.
“Oh I..I’m good.” Clarke waves off the drink. Finn nods.
“Oh I’m sorry Clarke. I didn’t realize you weren’t drinking either.” Finn says apologetically as he places the glass of champagne meant for Clarke on the glass table next to them.
“Yeah. I’m sober for about a year now.” Clarke says modestly. Finn’s eyes widen.
“Well hey congrats! You’re a stronger person than me.” Finn says sincerely before drinking his glass in one gulp. “Ahh that’s refreshing.” Finn remarks before his attention drifts to Clarke’s body. “Wow Clarke, I don’t know if I’m allowed to say this but you really look beautiful tonight.” Finn says in a shy but admiring voice.
Clarke feels a bit flustered. Whenever people used to hit on her, she would just politely wave them off informing them that she has a girlfriend. But now, she’s not with Lexa. She doesn’t owe Lexa anything. And she can’t distract herself by drinking or doing drugs, so why not just flirt a bit? That can’t hurt right?
“You’re allowed to say whatever you like.” Clarke husks out. Finn’s eyes are slightly surprised. His smile is sincere.
“Well in that case, do you want to go dance with me princess?” Finn says excitedly. Clarke bites her lip while thinking if she really wants to do this. She just wants to feel wanted, less lonely. And Finn is making her feel sort of okay right now. There’s no pity in his eyes.
“Sure why not.” Clarke says surely. Finn smiles, chugging the other glass of champagne before offering his hand to Clarke. The singer accepts and Finn leads her to the dance floor.
Finn smiles at her when the get in the middle of all the hot sweaty bodies dancing in the dark. He smirks at her and slides his arm around her waist, both their fronts pressed together close. They dance close, their faces getting closer and closer. Finn’s hands roam Clarke’s stomach and lower back, never going too high or too low. Finn takes a chance and presses a soft lingering kiss to Clarke’s cheek, close to her mouth. "Is this okay?" Finn asks nervously. If Clarke were to say no, Finn would stop right away. But Clarke that's not what Clarke says.
"Yeah..it's nice." Clarke mumbles out and Finn smiles wide. Clarke turns around so that her generous backside presses against Finn. The dark haired man grips her waist tight and goes to whisper in her ear.
“You’re driving me crazy.” Finn whispers hotly against her skin.
“Good.” Clarke rasps out. It all feels like a game, a game she doesn’t really like. She misses Lexa. But whenever she thinks of Lexa, she thinks of Costia and that only spurs her on more. She just wants to feel something else other than the pain and betrayal. Maybe a little part of her even wants to get back at Lexa, but she'll never admit that.
They dance like this for quite some time, her hips swaying to the beat. Finn moves her blonde hair to one side with his gruff hands. He kisses the newly free space of Clarke’s bare neck. Clarke leans into the touch. His hands go under Clarke’s top resting on her belly but doesn’t make any move to go further. He’s teasing her, trying to turn her on. It’s working.
She feels Finn’s one hand playing with the button on her jeans. It makes her really wet. It’s a weird feeling, being aroused by someone that isn’t Lexa. Lexa. Lexa cheated on her. Clarke can’t take all these conflicting emotions in her head right now. She just can’t fucking do it anymore. She’s at her limit. Clarke turns around quickly and Finn’s eyes widen slightly, confused by her abrupt movement.
“Did I go too far?” Finn says apologetically. Clarke shakes her head.
“No. You haven’t gone far enough.” Clarke crashes her lips into Finn’s. Nobody on the dance floor is paying attention, too drunk or high to see anything on the crowded dark floor. Clarke breaks the kiss and drags Finn to an upstairs room, grabbing two bottles of champagne on her way up.
Clarke and Finn lay breathless in the bed. The blonde stares up at the ceiling, immensely disappointed in herself. She thought this would make her feel good, but it doesn’t. It’s made her feel worse. The alcohol is starting to take its effect, her body buzzing. She was doing so well and now it’s over. She ignores the warm body cuddling into her as her brain processes all her thoughts at a pace of a million miles a minute.
“What’s going on in your head princess?” Finn mumbles out, pressing a light kiss to Clarke’s cheek. His kisses feel wrong. They’re not Lexa. She doesn't know why she thought this would make her feel good. She thought maybe she'd be empowered. Maybe it'd mean that she was moving on. Maybe Lexa sleeping with someone else wouldn't hurt as bad if she slept with someone else too. But none of those things happened. And now Clarke is left more broken than she was before.
“This was a mistake, Finn.” Clarke breathes out. Finn grows silent for a long time. Clarke looks over at him and sees the sadness in his eyes.
“I get it.” He throws her a sad smile. “But you know, I’m here for you.” Finn says honestly. Clarke bites her lip, trying to stop the next words she know are going to fly out of her mouth.
“You mentioned you had a new product..what is it?” Clarke asks with wide curious eyes. Finn looks at her apprehensively.
“Clarke, you just told me you were sober for a year.” Finn says hesitantly.
“And then I proceeded to down a bottle of champagne.” Clarke points out. Finn nods slowly.
“Yeah but that’s different. This shit is strong.” Finn says carefully.
“Oh don’t act like I’m some newbie, Finn. You know I can handle my coke.” Clarke blurts out and her hand flies to her mouth, in disbelief of what she just said. It scares her. It scares her how easy she can slip back into her old persona.
“Yeah you got me there.” Finn chuckles. “But this is..well it’s heroin.” Finn says bluntly. “I mean if that’s not your thing, I have another shipment of coke coming in about three weeks.”
Clarke tenses. No. She can’t do that. That’s what killed her Dad and her Mom. No. As soon as the word ‘heroin’ is brought up, it’s like something wakes up in Clarke. She shouldn’t be here.
“No.” Clarke says lowly. “I don’t want that.”
“See? Told ya.” Finn simply states, shrugging his shoulders. Clarke gets up, letting the thin bedsheet drop from her naked figure. She hurriedly picks up all her clothes and starts throwing them on carelessly, desperate to get out of that room. She feels like she’s suffocating.
Was she really about to do heroin? That killed her parents. She always promised herself she would never do that. And now? Now, there was a split second where she was terrified that she might just say yes.
“This was a mistake.. and I -I have to go.” Clarke stutters out. She turns around and sees that Finn’s face matches that of a kicked puppy. She feels bad. Finn must have feelings for her. She used him too. It makes Clarke feel even shittier. “I - I’m sorry.” Clarke mutters out sadly before running out the door. She can hear Finn calling out her name from the guest bedroom but she doesn’t stop. She only stops when she runs into something, more specifically someone.
“Clarke? What are you doing here?” Luna asks worriedly. Clarke looks a wreck. Her hair is messy and her clothes are wrinkled. Not a second later, Finn stumbles out of the room throwing on his shirt and buckling his belt. Luna looks between the two of them and only then does she truly understand what had just happened.
“Oh.” Luna mumbles, clearly shocked.
“Clarke..” Finn tries but Luna puts her hand up and he immediately shuts up. Luna is fierce like that. Nobody wants to mess with her. She seems sweet and peaceful, but the second you cross her, you’re done for.
“I’m taking Clarke home now, Mr. Collins. Whatever this was, it’s over.” Luna states in a calm yet deadly voice. Finn nods sadly as Luna leads Clarke away from him. Luna wraps her arms around Clarke like a protective Mama Bear. She heads straight for the door and calls a taxi. She can smell the alcohol on Clarke’s breath. Clarke has relapsed.
Clarke refuses to cry. She refuses to cry all the way until they get back to their hotel. Luna stays in Clarke’s room that night. She knows it won’t be easy for Clarke to stay sober now. It was hard enough before.
“I’m here for you, Clarke.” Luna whispers to in Clarke’s hair as the blonde lays in her arms. And it’s true. Luna is there for her friend and she always will be.
///
Lexa plans to call her agent once she gets home. She knows how angry Titus must be at her for dodging his calls. But once she arrives home, the tall seething bald man is already waiting on her porch. Lexa sighs out and prepares herself for Titus’ lecture.
“Alexandria.” Titus says simply. To anyone else, Titus would just seem indifferent. But to Lexa..well let's just say oh boy is she in trouble.
“Look Titus, I’ve been busy trying to-”
“You’ve been busy? I see.” Titus nods slightly. Lexa rolls her eyes and unlocks her front door letting both herself and Titus in.
“Spit it out.” Lexa sighs out.
“Nothing, it’s just funny that you’ve been too busy to call me back. I mean it’s not like I have been the one constantly on the phone with talk show hosts begging me to put you on their show. It’s not like I have been on the phone with the producers for the TV show ‘Off the Radar,’ begging them not to cut your guest spot for later this season. Oh wait, that is actually exactly what I’ve been doing!” Titus fumes out. “So tell me Alexandria, while I’ve been trying to save your public image and in turn your career, what in the hell have you been so ‘busy’ with?
Lexa sighs out. She’s so tired. So tired of fighting with everyone. Everyone hates her so it seems. Even if it is warranted, it makes her so tired. And lonely. And sad. And broken. Perhaps she was a little bit of all of those things before she cheated and didn’t even realize it. The thought makes her feel more exhausted than she was two seconds ago.
“What do I have to do to fix this?” Lexa says sadly.
“Get Clarke to issue a statement that she’s forgiven you.” Titus demands simply.
“Absolutely not. Don’t you dare suggest we drag Clarke in this. That is final.” Lexa’s voice is deadly low. Titus is man who will push and push until he gets his way, but he knows that there’s no point in trying to do so in this specific instance. Lexa is very clear on her feelings about Clarke. She would never allow it. Perhaps he’ll have to get a little creative on this one.
“Very well Alexandria. Then I’ll schedule an interview for you at the same talk show that Costia was on yesterday. Maybe sometime next week after we prep you. I’ll be in touch.” Titus says firmly before departing, leaving Lexa alone to her deepest of thoughts.
Lexa closes her eyes and tries to shut out the rest of the world for a quick minute. Her brain needs a break.
It never works though. As soon as she shuts her eyes, she is haunted by her favorite shade of blue.