Memories and Confrontations
Clarke wakes up first. It takes her a moment to realize she’s wrapped in Lexa’s arms. It takes her an even longer moment to realize that is no longer where she is suppose to be. But right now, Clarke doesn’t give a damn. Lexa is still asleep. She can afford to be weak for a second.
Clarke lays her head back on Lexa’s chest, listening to her ex girlfriend’s heartbeat. It’s soothing to her. It’s nice to feel Lexa’s warmth again. It makes Clarke feel safe and loved. The blonde wills away any unwanted images of Lexa and Costia in similar positions. All she wants right now is to be consumed by her love for Lexa. Her love for Lexa makes her feel human. But with love so intense, so massive, there are both great highs and great falls.
Clarke angles her head so that she can look at Lexa’s peaceful sleeping face. She caresses the brunette’s soft cheeks before shaking herself out of this reverie. She can’t slip back into this. She’s fought so hard to stay away from Lexa. And yet somehow, she’s in her arms again. Clarke gently breaks out of Lexa’s loving embrace and hurries out the door without looking back. As soon as the door shuts, Lexa starts to stir. When she finally does wake up, Clarke is gone. And so is her heart.
///
Lexa turns her phone on after showering and getting dressed. There are millions of messages on her phone. Most are from Twitter and Instagram. Her fans are begging her to issue a statement saying Costia’s claims aren’t true. But she can’t. She cheated. She can’t deny reality as much as she wishes she could.
Her manager might have had an aneurysm with how angry he is right now. Costia’s interview painted Lexa in a horrible light, but the fact of the matter is that Costia didn’t say anything that wasn’t true. She did sleep with someone else while still with the love of her life. She did that. She can’t hide from it anymore.
Anya also texted her asking it she was okay as well as a handful of her true friends like Nate. They said they were here for her. But they really shouldn’t be. They should be there for Clarke, not for her. She’s the one who royally messed up. Lexa doesn't believe she deserves anyone's kind words right now.
From Costia Greene [10:05 A.M.] : Did you get the chance to see my interview last night? I think it might be of interest to you. xo
Lexa is furious. She doesn’t know what she was thinking when she slept with Costia. Costia is a wolf in sheep’s clothing. She’s opportunistic and manipulative and an attention seeker. She’s the worst kind of person in Hollywood. Lexa decides to confront this head on. And that starts with confronting none other than Costia Greene.
///
Clarke is sitting in her mansion swiping through the photo album she keeps of all her pictures with her and Lexa, which is a lot. They were so happy in all the pictures. But maybe Lexa is right. Maybe they were broken for a long time and Clarke just didn't see it. She was too caught up in her own inner demons to see that Lexa has some too.
Lexa was always so good to her, so loving, so understanding. Lexa was always her rock. She stood by her no matter how hard Clarke was. Clarke doesn't remember all the things she said to Lexa all the times she was high, but she remembers enough. Clarke could only imagine all the things she said to her that she doesn't remember. Thinking back to those days isn't her favorite thing to do. She's so ashamed how she acted towards Lexa. But she can't change it. What's done is done.
A Little Over 2 Years Ago
Clarke spent the night partying with some fellow musicians after performing at a small time music festival. The party was at one of the musicians’ mansions so the alcohol was expensive and so were the drugs. Clarke invited Lexa but her girlfriend was working late on her latest film. So Clarke went solo.
Clarke is usually good at parties when Lexa is with her. Lexa monitors her drink intake and makes sure she stays away from drugs. Lexa has been trying to convince her to go to rehab again but Clarke doesn’t see the point. She’s gone so many times before. She always relapses. The way Clarke see it it’s just a waste of time.
Clarke doesn’t always drink like this. She is on and off. Sometimes she’s good for a few months and then bad for the next few. It’s been that way for the past few years. She only slips up when Lexa isn’t with her.
And it just so happens that Lexa wasn’t there tonight. Clarke could tell Lexa was worried for Clarke to go alone to this thing but the blonde promised she’d come home early. And she stuck by her promise. It’s only 12:30 in the morning. Lexa asked her to be home by 1. The only problem is that since Clarke was planning on leaving so early, she decided to drink as much as do as many lines as she could without going overboard in the little time she had. A bad idea, very very bad idea.
Clarke somehow manages to get home. She’s stumbles out of her friend’s car and makes her way upstairs to her and Lexa’s penthouse. She throws up in the elevator. It’s hard to walk so she decides to drag her body on the walls, the only thing keeping her upright. She gets to the door and tries to put her key in the door. It doesn’t work. Clarke gets impatient so she starts banging on the door and in the process falls straight on her face.
“Fuck..” Clarke groans from the floor, not bothering to move from her position lying face first on the ground. She can hear Lexa’s light footsteps hurrying toward the door. She can already tell Lexa is going to be disappointed in her.
“Oh my god.” Lexa gasps out, immediately moving to help Clarke up and check her for any wounds. “Clarke, are you hurt? Baby, let me help you into the bathroom so I can clean you up.” Lexa’s voice is sad and anxious and it makes Clarke feel ashamed. She’s disappointed in herself for showing up to their home like this again. She doesn’t know how to stop though. And she’s so tired. Rehab never works. Perhaps she just doesn’t commit enough to it.
“Don’t touch me.” Clarke jerks away from Lexa’s touch. She feels like she’s a burden to Lexa. She doesn’t even want Lexa to look at her right now.
Lexa’s face is full of hurt. Despite dealing with Clarke in this state before, she’ll never get used to it. It breaks her heart every time.
“Baby, please. You can sleep once I get you inside.” Lexa begs and Clarke just grunts, knowing she won’t win this battle. Clarke doesn’t help at all; she’s just dead weight. Luckily, Lexa is strong and carries Clarke inside all on her own. She gently places her muttering girlfriend on the bed and goes to get her pajamas.
“I don’t want your fucking help!” Clarke shouts out. Lexa quietly gathers Clarke’s pajamas while the blonde rants at her. She’s used to seeing Clarke this way. It’s horrible but it’s the truth.
“Okay Clarke.” Lexa sighs, placing the blonde’s pjs on the bed next to her. They have to go through the same routine every time. Clarke refuses Lexa’s help and starts to get snappy. She yells at Lexa to leave her alone and to go away. She says she can undress herself and then when she tries to, she fails. That’s when Lexa comes in and gently helps her girlfriend. It’s a struggle but Lexa does it because she loves Clarke and she will never let her go.
Clarke stumbles up and sloppily throws her clothes on the floor. She manages to get her top and bra off. Her jeans prove difficult though and she falls to the floor, cursing. Lexa goes to pick her up and Clarke starts crying.
“Clarke, shhh. Let me help you up.” Lexa says softly. It’s breaking her heart to see Clarke like this. Lexa gets her into pajamas and puts her in bed. Clarke lays down with her eyes closed.
“I don’t feel good.” Clarke sighs out. Lexa hurries over to her and tries to get her to sit up.
“Sit up Clarke.” Lexa says firmly.
“Noooo..” Clarke whines out. “I don’t feel good.”
“I know baby. That’s why you need to sit up. You’re going to throw up.” Lexa says calmly. She knows when Clarke is going to throw up. This is one of those times.
“Fuck you. Why won’t you ever leave me the hell alone? You’re so goddamn clingy.” Clarke mumbles, her eyes fluttering open and shut. Lexa wishes she could say that hearing those words from her love’s mouth doesn’t hurt anymore. But she’d be lying. It hurts so much. She knows Clarke doesn’t know what she’s saying right now but fuck it still hurts.
“Clarke, please sit up.” Lexa says in a stern voice. Clarke groans and grunts as she sits up reluctantly.
“Why can’t you find someone else to bitch at?” Clarke slurs out, her eyes rolling into the back of her head. Clarke sways and falls back on the pillows, her body too weak to sit upright. Lexa checks her temperature. Clarke is way worse than usual.
“God how much did you drink tonight?” Lexa says worriedly.
“Drank lots.” Clarke mumbles out. “Did lots of lines too.”
“Fuck.” Lexa checks Clarke’s pulse. It’s beating really fast and it’s starting to worry her. Clarke throws up into the bucket Lexa has been holding next to her. Lexa rubs Clarke’s back and whispers her love to the blonde and her girlfriend throws up everything in her stomach.
“We should get you in the shower.” Lexa says softly when all is said and done.
“Noo let me sleep.” Clarke whines and pouts. Lexa cleans up Clarke’s face and hair before going to get her some water. In the kitchen, Lexa grips the edges of the sink counter hard and cries quietly to herself for a few minutes.
“Lex I’m thirsty!” Clarke shouts out weakly. “I need water baby.”
Lexa wipes her tears away and wills herself to be strong for Clarke. She has to be.
“I’m coming love.” Lexa gives Clarke the water and gets into bed with her. Clarke grumbles about how shitty she feels and Lexa soothes her. Clarke is inconsolable right now.
“Why are you still with me? I’m a mess.” Clarke cries into Lexa’s sleep shirt.
“You’re not a mess baby. You have a disease. You need help. We are going to get you all the help you need I promise.” Lexa says calmly even though her hands are shaking. Clarke sniffles back her tears and nods. Clarke cries some more about how she doesn’t deserve Lexa. Lexa holds her and tells her she loves her. Because despite everything, Lexa loves Clarke. Clarke is the one for her. And it may be hard but Clarke is worth it. She will always be worth it.
Clarke curses herself. She regrets so much. She threw so much of her weight on Lexa and a dam broke. Lexa was never perfect either. She had a shitty life and she has plenty of baggage. And for years, she ignored her problems to make sure Clarke was okay. Clarke misses Lexa. Clarke misses the good times with Lexa, which don’t get me wrong, there were many good times. Years of happy times. Clarke was always better with Lexa. She’d like to think it was the same for Lexa too.
Clarke looks at a picture and sadly smiles. She traces Lexa’s smile in the photo. This was taken the week after high school ended. They saved up some money and took a trip up to a nearby lake. They rented a modest lake cabin for the weekend. Clarke wishes she could go back to those times. They were happy. Clarke never had a drop of alcohol or any kinds of drugs in her life. Everything was perfect.
5 Years Ago
“I think my back has some sunburn, it’s stinging. Can you rub some aloe on it for me?” Lexa calls out lightly as Clarke steps out of the shower and wraps her wet body in a towel. They spent the day by the lake, tanning and fishing and just soaking up each other's presence. It was amazing. They’ve never laughed harder.
“Sure baby. Take your shirt off and lay on the bed.” Clarke says simply. Lexa carefully takes her shirt off, wincing when the rough fabric rubs against the sunburn. She unties her bikini top and lays face down on the plush bed.
Clarke begins rubbing her back sensually, lathering Lexa up with aloe. Lexa sighs out in relief as Clarke’s cool hands rub her back just right.
“That’s good.” Lexa mumbles into the sheets. “I like that.”
Clarke smiles. By the time she's finished with the massage, Lexa is in a light sleep. Clarke walks away wordlessly and goes into the bathroom. Lexa groggily looks up in her direction, wondering where she’s going. “Clarke? Where are you going?” Lexa calls out confused. Not a moment later, Clarke comes out completely nude. Lexa’s mouth waters.
“I just wanted to wash the aloe off my hands and get a little more comfortable.” Clarke says simply as she saunters towards Lexa. Lexa’s mouth is on the floor. Her girlfriend’s body is her favorite thing. Lexa was never a fan of pleasuring herself before she met Clarke. In fact, she never even tried it before the blonde came into her life. But Clarke’s body. God, the things Clarke’s body does to her.
Lexa is stunned into silence. Clarke smirks and lays down next to her. “Hi.” Clarke slyly says. “I’d say get on your back but you have aloe all over you so you’re going to have to be on top today. Is that okay?” Clarke says with a smirk on her face. Lexa furiously nods a yes, at a loss for words.
Her hands frantically start roaming the blonde’s curves, touching everything she can get her hands on. “Fuck Clarke.” Lexa groans out before attaching her lips to Clarke’s. After a very heated makeout session complete with lots of grinding and heavy petting, Lexa’s hands inch their way down to Clarke’s wet and waiting pussy.
The brunette sucks on Clarke’s tongue as she slowly rubs up and down through Clarke’s fold, never quite touching the blonde’s clit. Clarke squirms and moans. The blonde wraps her legs around the brunette and starts grinding her core into Lexa’s hand and lower stomach. Lexa gasps at the action. Clarke is so aroused right now. Lexa can feel it all over her fingers and stomach.
“Take your pants off.” Clarke moans out. Lexa hurries to oblige. Once her clothes are shed, Clarke’s hand immediately cups her bulge. Lexa sighs out in pleasure. Clarke’s hand grips her girlfriend’s shaft, slowing pumping her member. Lexa presses her forehead to Clarke’s shoulder as she fingers Clarke, slowly going in and out. Lexa likes to start off slow, working Clarke up, before going fast and making Clarke come hard.
“Lex c’mon baby I need you. I need all of you in me..now.” Clarke mewls out, grinding harder against whatever Lexa will give her. Lexa grunts and groans in pleasure at Clarke’s movements before the brunette angles her cock to Clarke’s entrance.
“Baby, I need to go get a condom.” Lexa weakly warns. They usually use condoms but every now and then, in the heat of the moment, they don’t. They know it's not smart but this happens to be one of those times when they are acting like two hormonal teenagers in love and not thinking of potential consequences.
“No, just come inside me. I’m on the pill. We should be fine.” Clarke whispers hotly. Lexa nods, not needing much convincing. She pushes her cock into Clarke. Lexa feels so good. Her girlfriend is so tight. Clarke’s walls are warm and wet and pulling her in. Lexa pumps her hips, pushing her full member in and out of Clarke. Clarke screams out in ecstasy.
“Touch my clit please Lex.” Clarke moans out, trying to guide one of Lexa’s hands to her folds. Lexa smirks and bites her lip. The second she starts rubbing Clarke’s clit, the blonde screams out and starts to see stars. Lexa ruts into her, feeling her own orgasm crash into her. Lexa’s come coats Clarke’s walls. Clarke moans obscenely loud at the feeling. She loves feeling Lexa come inside her. Lexa pulls out once she is soft. She lays down next to Clarke and smiles.
“That was perfect.” Lexa smiles dreamily. “I love making love to you.” Lexa smiles wide and goofily. Clarke snorts.
“You’re such an adorable dork Lex.” Clarke giggles out. Lexa fake pouts. Clarke pulls her chin down for a kiss. “But you’re my dork so it’s okay.” Lexa smiles, nodding in agreement before leaning down and kissing Clarke languidly. “All mine.” Clarke mumbles against her lips.
“All yours.” Lexa whispers sweetly before returning for more kisses. They couldn't be happier if they try. All they will ever need is each other. However, somewhere along the way, the two girls lose sight of that. And that's when the real tragedy begins.
Clarke shakes her head and swipes to some more pictures. She doesn’t know why she’s torturing herself looking at all these old photos of happier times. All she knows is that it’s bringing her some peace. Her and Lexa were happy once upon a time...right? Clarke misses the simple times when their biggest problem was some sunburn.
///
Lexa, wearing a hoodie and sunglasses, sneakily arrives at Costia’s house. She knows where the other actress lives since Costia once had a party during the filming of 'Grounders' and invited Lexa and Clarke. It was back when Costia acted as if she was just a sweet costar looking to be friends. God, Lexa was so dumb. Clarke was right. Why didn’t she just listen to her?
Lexa knocks on the door, pissed off and eager to get this over with. Costia, dressed in a bikini and sunglasses opens the door. A smirk immediately flies onto the barely clothed actress’ face.
“Well well well, Lexa Woods.” Costia smirks, making a conscious effort to hungrily scan up and down Lexa’s body. “What do I owe the pleasure?”
“Cut the crap Costia. We need to talk about your interview.” Lexa snaps out, not in the mood for the other actress’ dramatic theatrics. Costia rolls her eyes and moves, allowing Lexa to walk into her mansion. She closes the door and leads Lexa to the living room.
“I was just about to take a swim. Care to join me? You can swim nude. It’s nothing I haven’t seen before.” Costia teases and Lexa barely holds in the bile literally making it’s way up her throat.
“Knock it off.” Lexa barks out. Costia just laughs, sauntering over to her bar to pour herself a cocktail. “How could you do that interview? We agreed not to tell the media. You humiliated Clarke!”
“I humiliated Clarke?” Costia asks incredulously. “Lexa darling, I would have been fine keeping quiet about our little night but your bitch of an ex girlfriend decided to release that music video. It’s bad enough that there were rumours circulating all through Hollywood that we had an affair. That song basically confirmed it was me. I had to do something to save my public presence.” Costia explains in a simple almost bored tone.
“Don’t you dare call Clarke a bitch! You know nothing about her.” Lexa growls out.
“You know Lexa, I’m not really appreciating your tone. I could have said much worse about you.” Costia says with a smirk on her face. “You should be thanking me really.”
“Thanking you?! Are you fucking kidding me?” Lexa snaps out.
“Yes. I said you were a ‘skilled lover.’” Costia uses air quotes to signal her exact words. Lexa looks slightly offended. “I mean you have to admit, that night was a mess. We only had sex for what? Maybe a good minute before you all of a sudden developed a conscience.”
“What are you talking about?” Lexa asks slowly, wildly confused. Truthfully, that night is a little murky. She was so drunk. “We had sex. I remember we had sex.” Lexa sounds sure of herself, but now is very confused. Costia looks at her apprehensively.
“We made out in the kitchen for a bit before you carried me to the guest bedroom. Remember?” Costia asks plainly.
“Yes.” Lexa says guiltily.
“Then we ripped each other's clothes off and you put a condom on. We started going at it for about a minute or two when you stopped it. You pulled out and said you couldn’t do it. You loved your girlfriend blah blah blah.” Costia says, seemingly still annoyed at how the night turned out.
“I mean I remember stopping it but I thought it was longer than that.” Lexa mumbles. She remembers the movements. She remembers vague memories of starting to have sex with Costia but she doesn’t remember for how long they had sex. All she remembers is that she couldn't stop thinking about Clarke. So she stopped it. But that doesn't mean it didn't happen.
“You started bitching about how you love your girlfriend. You kept mumbling about Clarke and that other chick. I tried to comfort you but then you yawned and mumbled that you were tired. I said you should probably go to bed so then we just slept.” Costia says while sipping on her fruity looking cocktail.
Lexa starts to remember bits and pieces of what Costia is saying. It’s a fuzzy picture but she remembers it all. She doesn’t want to think about this. She doesn’t want to relive sleeping with someone other than Clarke.
“Guess we both had a bit too much tequila.” Costia jokes. “But hey if you ever want a repeat with less alcohol and more sex this time,” Costia wiggles her eyebrows suggestively, “you know where to find me.”
“That will never happen.” Lexa growls out. “Just..” Lexa sighs deeply, “please don’t talk about me or Clarke again. Clarke is going through a rough time and your interview really upset her.”
“I didn’t say anything but the truth Lexa.” Costia says truthfully.
“I know.” Lexa says guiltily. “But you know as well as I do you were trying to rub it in her and everyone else’s face that we slept together.” Lexa says firmly. Costia just shrugs.
“Just leave us out of your plans to climb to the top of Hollywood ok? Don’t drag Clarke’s name in the media about mistakes I’ve made. Leave it alone, Costia.” Lexa says sternly. Costia rolls her eyes.
“Fine.” Costia throws her hands up in mock surrender. “The story is getting old anyways.”
Lexa shakes her head and starts to walk out the door.
"Before you leave, tell me this though. Why did you do it? You love Clarke right? So why sleep with someone else?" Costia asks curiously. Lexa sighs, exhausted suddenly.
"I'm still trying to figure that out." Lexa sadly mutters. "I don't think I'll ever have a explanation that satisfies anyone. It was the worst mistake of my life." Lexa mumbles. Costia nods, almost looking like she feels sorry for a moment. "Bye Costia. I hope we never cross paths again." Lexa softly says, not bitter and with no malice. She simply never wants to see the girl she slept with and in turn ruined the one good thing she ever had in her life. Lexa walks back to her car and never looks back.
///
Clarke sits in her fancy Los Angeles apartment for hours just staring at old pictures of her and Lexa. Octavia has texted her a bunch but she’s ignoring her. Raven texted her too. She quickly responds to Raven that she’s ok and that she’s just shutting the world out right now.
Clarke decides to take a nap. She can’t shut her brain off and she doesn’t want to do drugs right now to distract herself. Clarke is woken up about four hours later to the ring of her buzzer. She yawns and gets up to figure out who’s at her door.
“Who is it?” Clarke asks hesitantly.
“It’s me.” A female voice patches through and Clarke’s eyes widen. She immediately buzzes the girl up and opens the door.
“Hey Grif. I’m not gonna lie, you’ve had better days.” The girl teases.
“Luna...You’re here.”